All language subtitles for Maude s01e17 Arthur Moves In

Lady Godiva was a freedom rider.

She didn't care if the whole world
looked.

Joan of Arc was the lord to guide her.
She was a sister who really could.

Isadora was the first bra burner. Ain't
you glad she showed up?

Oh, yeah.

When the country was falling apart,
Betsy Ross got it all sewed up.

And then there's my...

And then there's Maud.

And then there's Maud. And then there's
Maud. And then there's Maud. And then

there's Maud. And then there's Maud.
That'll compromise and enterprise and

anything but tranquilize. No, no, no.

Just one more day.

Just one more day.

Chris, Chris.

Medium. Medium.

I'll let them worry about it.

Hi, Miss Finley. Beautiful day, isn't
it?

Ernie, the last milkman who told me it
was a beautiful day at 7 in the morning

was found three weeks later face down in
his cream cheese.

I just wanted to check on this order.

You never took prune yogurt before or
low -fat buttermilk. The only one I know

who takes that is Dr.

Harmon next door. Yeah, well, right now,
Dr.

Harmon next door is up in my shower.

singing Gilbert and Sullivan off -key
and steaming all the wallpaper off my

ceiling.

Let all his natural body oils go right
down the drain.

Oh, I get it. He's here because of that
fire in his house. Bingo, bright

milkman.

He is here because of that fire in his
house.

Ernie, please, get the buttermilk.

Maud. Don't tell me you're Mark Spitz
doing an orange juice.

Permit me to introduce myself.

My name is Maude Findlay. I am your
wife.

What's that mean? That means that ever
since Arthur has been here, you've

come to bed.

Last night I was in bed promptly at 1 a
.m.

I'm sorry to hear that, Walter.

Because you weren't in our bed until 2
.30.

here playing cribbage with Arthur. Now,
if you'll excuse me, I'll take my shower

in the utility bathroom.

Why must Arthur always use our bathroom?
Why can't he shower in the utility

bathroom? Oh, one more day.

Oh, I see you and Mr. Findlay play
cribbage. No, Dr.

Harmon and Mr. Findlay play cribbage. Is
it tough to learn?

I don't see why.

All you do is move those little pegs up
and down the board and drink beer, belch

a lot, and tell dirty jokes.

Ernie, please. You're becoming too
involved in my life. I'm not ready for

What?

We're going to have to boil some water.
Why? Are you going to have a baby?

I just want to wash my face. Arthur used
up all the hot water.

How can anyone spend so much time in the
shower and with such a little body?

Then again, how can anybody put a shirt
in the washing machine with a quarter of

a pound of Kleenex in the pocket?

And how can anyone spread prune yogurt
between two Lorna Dunes?

Mort, I know having Arthur here is no
picnic for you, but I've been trying to

keep him out of your hair.

I took him bowling one night. The night
before that, we went to the fights.

Last night, we played cribbage. I'm
doing my best to help. Thank you,

And if you want to help me some more,
when Mommy goes upstairs to tell Arthur

that his breakfast is ready, you stay
down here like a good boy and poison his

coffee.

If it isn't Mark Smith.

Good morning.

Honey, I'm awfully glad you're here.

Tell me, Carol, do you like my poached
eggs?

Poached eggs are poached eggs. That's
what I always thought. So all my life

been cooking them in those little round
cups, but Arthur says no.

First you must bring the water up to a
furious boil, then make a whirlpool with

a wooden spoon.

Now, it must be wooden so as not to give
a metallic taste to the water and then

to the egg. Then take said egg and very
gently slide it from the dish

into the eye of the whirlpool.

Enough to make Julia Child lose her
ladle.

Where's Philip?

Oh, he went to school before dawn so he
could use the bathroom.

Hello. Is there a doctor in the house?
Yes. Bye.

Come on in. Good morning.

Good morning, Carol.

What are you carrying?

Dr. Harmon asked me to iron some shirts,
so I did it at home last night. Oh, but

no! That's nothing.

He also wanted his socks donned and his
jockey shorts stay puffed.

My great -grandmother didn't work this
hard, and she was a slave.

Good morning, Florida. Good morning,
Mrs. Edlund. I just shouldn't ask

to do work like that. You should mention
that to him. No, I have a better idea.

When he comes in for breakfast, I'll
smile sweetly at him, and when he isn't

looking, I'll slip him into the eye of
the world.

Oh, little buttercup, dear little
buttercup. No, I can never tell why.

But still I am buttercup. Carol, get me
a shovel. I'm going to plant little

buttercup.

I thank you, Marty.

Hey, Arthur!

You expect me to read the paper in this
condition?

You don't have to. I read it.

What do you want to know?

The liberals are still fighting, the
Democrats are broke, and Mary Worth had

purse snatched by a junkie.

Okay, Arthur.

Your water is boiling.

Your egg is on the launching pad. Start
the countdown.

Start the countdown.

Carol, would you like one, too?

No, thanks, Mother. I couldn't put an
egg through all that trouble just for

I'm late. I better get on my bicycle.

Bicycle?

What's so funny?

Come on. Come on. Let me in on it. Why?

Why?

Nothing more. Just a joke we heard at
the bowling alley the other night.

Because elephants don't ride bicycles.

Because elephants don't ride bicycles?

I've got to look it, but I am over 18.

It's a man's joke board. You wouldn't
appreciate it.

Then don't tell me. I don't need your
help. I'll get Philip to tell me.

Hey, you read this.

Oh, yeah. What?

What? What?

It's about basketball.

You wouldn't understand. What do you
mean I wouldn't understand basketball?

a college graduate. All right, you've
made your point.

Tell Arthur his egg is ready. Arthur,
you register it. Oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh,

oh, oh.

What do you mean, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh,
oh?

Marty, I don't want you to think I'm
finickety now, but if you make left -to

-right whirlpools instead of right -to
-left whirlpools, it does a much better

job, you know. I don't know why. It
seems to gather up the whites better.

Look, why don't I give that one to
Walter?

Walter, try to make up for my failure
and eat it counterclockwise.

I know counterclockwise.

Good morning, Dr.

Harmon. Good morning, Florida.

Try not to spill anything on that shirt,
will you?

Oh, by the way, Mrs. Finley, I'm about
to make the beds. Are there any check

-ins or check -outs today?

No.

But when you short -sheet the bed in the
den, be sure it's left to right, not

right to left.

Lord! No, no, no, no, no. Leave her be,
Walter. There's a lot. Marty has a right

to be aggravated.

I know I'm not the easiest man in the
world to live with.

You're kidding.

No, it's true.

Even my, even my Agnes told me that.

I remember she said, Arthur, you are not
the easiest man in the world to live

with. And then she died.

Marvelous woman.

And a prophet before her time.

Hello, buddy.

Our home is your home as long as you
want.

Right, Mark?

Right, as long as you want her.

One more day.

Well, I think I better get on the stick.

Oh, uh... I don't want to be too much
trouble, Marty. Why don't I get

downtown?

Arthur, the next time you want an egg a
certain way, I'm going to give you an

egg a certain way.

That's probably for me.

Dr. Harmon here.

Oh, hello, Mrs. Martell.

How's that finger of yours?

I see.

Still draining, is it?

No, no, no, that's a very good sign.
Nothing to worry about.

It isn't draining, drain. You know it's
draining.

She's like you. She likes a good joke.

so squeamish, just a little shop talk.

I'll get it, Marty.

One more day.

Hello? Oh, Harvey.

Say, how's it going?

Oh. Oh, really?

Complications, huh?

Oh, that's too bad.

That's terrible.

Well, listen, is there anything I can
do?

No. Well, you can't win them all.

Yeah, thanks for calling.

Arthur, that's awful. A patient of
yours?

Worse. My house. It won't be ready for
two more weeks.

Two weeks?

Well, it's an old house. They're having
trouble replacing certain things.

Walter, I think I'd better sign into a
motel.

Oh, don't be ridiculous. You're staying
right here. Hey, where did this come

from? Isn't that great? That's a
surprise for Philip.

Are you crazy, Arthur? Carol hates war
toys, and so does Maud. You can't give

that to Philip.

Oh. Well, I don't want to cause any
trouble, even though they're both wrong.

Kind of a shame, isn't it?

Machine guns are kind of fun, don't you
think?

All right, you guys.

I'm going to give it to you just the way
you gave it to my sister.

Arthur!

Arthur Harmon!

What is that gun doing in this house?
Marty, that's just a toy. A war toy,

Arthur, in this house?

Well, I bought it for my grandson.

I'm going to give it to him tomorrow.
Right, Walter? Right. Well, just be sure

that Philip doesn't see it. Don't worry,
he won't. But Philip has to learn those

things sometime.

In this world, it's dog -eat -dog, and
vice versa.

Now he's bringing war toys into the
house, Walter. One more day!

24 hours, Walter. I am clinging to that
like a drowning woman. A drowning woman,

Walter. Maud, there's trouble with this
house. We'll be here two more weeks.

Maud Findlay, lost at sea.

I don't know why you're so upset about
Arthur. I know it's an inconvenience for

a couple of weeks, but he's our friend
and you put up with friends.

By the way, Arthur and I have tickets
for the Lumberjack show.

Do you mean to tell me, Walter, that the
two of you are going to go out together

again tonight?

Walter, did you ever think of asking me?
Did you? Did you ever think of asking

me?

Okay, Maud.

Can I go out with Arthur tonight?

God will get you for that.

Mort, it's tree climbing, log rolling,
rail splitting. I didn't think you'd be

interested.

Didn't think I'd be interested in rail
splitting?

I am shocked.

I adore rail splitting.

It is my favorite pastime next to log
rolling.

Mort, what do you want?

invitation, Walter.

All right, you're invited. Thank you
very much, but I've already made other

plans.

Do you want me to stay at home? Is that
what you want? I didn't say that. I'll

stay home. You'll do no such thing.

You want to go with me? You don't want
to go with me. You want me to stay home

with you? You don't want me to stay home
with you. You haven't told me what you

want, so I don't know what you want.

Tacky excuses, Walter.

Feeble, tacky excuses.

I give up.

It's only 7 .30 in the morning and I've
already put in a full day of arguing.

Either I stay or I go, Maud. Go, Walter.
Go!

Go! And after the lumberjack show, why
don't you and Arthur round out the

evening at a massage parlor where Miss
Lily can put you into orbit with her

dancing vibrators?

What's that all about?

After all these years, I have finally
found the perfect marriage.

Walter and Arthur.

Why am I talking to myself?

That's why he's not home yet.

I have to do something to stay awake.

And Johnny's guests tonight are Horst
Buchholz, Alan Lutton and Betty White,

Melvin Laird.

I'd rather hit myself.

Mother, I'm all out of hand lotion. Do
you mind if I borrow yours? What are you

reading? Oh, pornography, dear. You
wouldn't like it.

How to play cribbage? Some pornography.

Well, when you're 47, you clutch at the
straws.

Mother, you're not fooling anyone.

You're feeling left out. And you're
reading that to get back in.

All right.

But how would you feel if your husband
went out every night with his best

and totally ignored you?

Mother, you're acting like a child.

Don't you think I know I'm acting like a
child? Don't you think I know that,

Carol? That's why I have to stay up
until Walter gets home tonight so that I

apologize to him. I can get down on my
knees if necessary to beg his

for my childish emotional outburst,
which he deserved, every word of it.

It's high time I remembered I'm an
adult.

That's more like it.

Thank you, dear.

Now, where the hell...

Lumberjack show. It's almost midnight.
Even I can climb a tree faster than

Mother, insecurity is for children.

It used to be, Carol. Now they make it
for adults, too.

They're home.

How should I know?

I saw it once in a Carol Lombard movie.

It kept Clark Gable from going to
Shanghai with Walter Slazak.

Now get out of here and let me start
remembering to act like an adult.

Oh, sorry I'm so late, Maud.

Better late than never, Clark.

glad you're home.

You're up kind of late, aren't you,
Maud? Darling, I had to wake up so that

could apologize for losing my temper
this morning. Darling, do you forgive

Sure.

No, sweetheart, I've missed you so much.
And my heart has been aching because I

was so cruel to you this morning.

But, Walter, darling, I'm going to make
it up to you.

I'm going to make it up to you like
you've never had it made up to you

Because I love you, Walter.

Walter, I adore you.

That new bathroom spray's not bad.

Walter, that's night of love.

No kidding.

Do they have it in pine?

No, but I could get you something in
pine.

Oh, could I get you something?

Why are you wearing your bathrobe?

Go downstairs.

I promised Arthur I'd finish that
cribbage game with him. Walter, I

apologize to you.

And I accept it.

Walter, when a passionate, warm,
seductive woman apologizes, she expects

and make up.

Oh, okay.

Arthur's downstairs making a snack.
We're going to set out the crib. Oh,

no more bulletins on Arthur.

Unless you hear him being pistol
-whipped by a prowler.

In which case, I'll make hot cocoa
forever.

Very funny.

Then why don't you laugh, Walter?

Why don't you laugh? You laugh at
everything Arthur says.

Elephants don't ride bicycles.

How come you never laugh with me?

You want me to laugh with you? Yes.

I'll laugh with you. Ha -ha, ha -ha.

Walter, don't you see?

He's driving us apart.

He's been in the house only three days
and already you're questioning your

marriage. Who's questioning?

I'm very happy with our marriage. No,
you're not.

You're eating yourself up inside because
your friend downstairs is footloose,

free to come and go as he pleases. No
wife to tie him down. Isn't that what

want, Walter? No. Don't lie to me,
Walter.

Let me tell you, it's not easy being a
wife either.

For example...

Just once, Walter, just one day, I would
love to drop my dirty clothes on the

floor and then find them magically
cleaned and folded and neatly put away

drawer all on the same day.

Now, who do you think does that, Walter?

Who do you think does that, Walter?

Who, who, who?

Maud, if you're through apologizing,
I'll go downstairs.

With my good casserole dish.

He's broken my good casserole dish. I
didn't know it was a casserole dish. It

sounded like a glass. Look, I know my
crockery, and that was a casserole.

That was a glass.

He has got to leave. I mean, he's not
only trying to wreck our marriage, now

he's starting it on the house.

Maud! He has got to leave.

Maud!

Maud, wait a minute.

Please, you can't do this. Maud!

Maudie, Maudie, Maudie, I'm afraid I had
an accident in the kitchen. I broke one

of your dishes.

And my heart.

But don't worry about it. Walter, tell
him.

Tell me what, Walter? Never mind,
Arthur. Maud, be reasonable. You have 30

seconds, Walter. All systems are going
counting.

28.

Maud, stop that counting. If I can do it
for an egg, I can do it for Arthur.

25. Wait a minute, Marty. 24. Am I
involved?

Only for the next 18 seconds, and then
you're out of it.

15. 14.

Okay, Maud. You want me to get rid of
him?

I'll get rid of them. Get rid of them?
Stay there, Arthur.

What are you going to do, Walter? I'll
get rid of them.

The only way to make sure you get rid of
somebody for good is to rub them out.

No wonder the Japanese lost the war.

Give me it. Maybe I can fix it. Give me
that gun.

Not like you dirty rats.

I'm going to give it to you just the way
you gave it to me.

Walter, he's got it working.

That's my girl.

Don't you, that's my girl, me, Walter
Findlay.

and I'm sorry.

I only did it to show you how silly you
were about Arthur.

Listen, you two, I think I'd better go
to a motel. Oh, no, please don't.

I'd rather have the two of you operating
out of the house.

Do you realize that this is the first
thing that we have done together since

arrived, and I had to use a gun to join
you?

I mean, why couldn't, why couldn't you
have included me in just once?

Well, we meant to, Moira. I never meant
to cut you out, Marty. No, you get a

couple of guys and it's like Saturday
night.

Why didn't you say that was all you
wanted?

I tried.

Just couldn't bring myself to say it.

I'm jealous.

You fake.

Come over here and sit down.

No, Walter.

Listen,

Walter, I... Arthur, sit down.

Okay, Wallace.

Arthur? Yeah?

Is there such a thing as three -handed
cribbage?

Huh?

Well, there is now.

Now, Maude, the first thing to
remember... Wait a minute. What's the

No, Dad.

Do you really mean that I'm going to be
included in on everything?

Absolutely. Sure.

Good.

Then tell me.

Darling, I'm so sorry I was so upset
with you.

But now that Arthur has moved back into
his own house, I feel nothing but warmth

and love for you because we're alone and
together again.

Thank

you,

Walter.

Maud was recorded on tape before a live
audience.