All language subtitles for sanford_son_s05e15_can_you_chop_this

Hey, Pop!

Come in here, son.

Hey, Pop, is lunch ready?

Yeah, you're going to love it.

I got a recipe from the cavort and
connoisseur.

It is right here. You're going to love
it, I told you.

What is it? What you want it to be.

Somebody else's lunch?

Good evening, Topkin. Oh, oh.

Well, good afternoon,

Lamont, Mr. Sanford. I just dropped over
to bar... Oh, I see you have been

watching the cavorting connoisseur
yesterday.

It's an old southern recipe, Louisiana
quiche. The connoisseur calls it

Louisiana quiche.

But I'd call it Oklahoma crud.

That's crude.

Crude crud, ain't it?

Well, I'm having a little get -together
this week for some of the ladies in the

neighborhood. Oh, at the Sanford Arms?
Yes, correct.

Yes, it's sort of a get -to -know -your
-minority party.

I wonder if I might borrow a bowl for my
potato chips. Oh, sure. I got one right

here. Oh, good.

There you go.

How about that? That's fine.

Time for my bathtub is backing up again.
Now, what do you suggest?

I suggest you get in it, take it out of
reverse, and drive it off the cliff.

Well, I never tried you like it.

I can sit down and have

your lunch.

You expect me to eat that?

It could be worse. How?

You could expect me to eat it.

I'll grab myself a fat burger after the
next delivery.

You know, I'll tell you something, Bob.
No, wait a second.

One day, I'm going to come in this
house, and you're going to fix a decent

for me.

Is that today's mail?

Yeah, that's today's mail. I sorted it
already.

Yeah.

These... These go to you, and these go
to me.

And this one goes in the filing cabinet.

Goodbye, Bill.

Oh, wow, it came, Pop.

I've been waiting for this for weeks,
man. I've been accepted.

Accepted? Oh, the adoption papers.
Somebody's going to dig you on my hands.

No, Pop, well, you remember Lee
Ginsberg, he came down to the Y a few

and he saw me in one of my acting
classes, and he said I was terrific,

yeah? Yeah, and he's accepting me in his
workshop.

Listen, it's an honor to study with Lee
Ginsberg, Pop.

I mean, he's a fabulous teacher, and
besides that, he developed an entirely

method of acting.

Let's see that.

Tuition, $200.

He developed an entire new method of
robbery.

Hey, the class starts next Wednesday. I
hope I have enough money saved.

Listen, now, wait a minute. Now,
remember, that money in there, that's my

in there for the work that I did.

I know, Pop, and you deserve a fair
share for the work you do around here.

tell me something.

Here's a dime.

$168, $169, $170.

I'm $30 short, but I think I can have
the money by next Wednesday.

Well, listen, son, why don't you forget
about this old Ginsburg guy? I can teach

you more about acting than he can.

Oh, sure you can. Sure I can.

Give me that money.

Hey, would you give me my money back?

Listen, see there? I got you acting like
a guy who just lost $170.

Now, look, Pop, I just want to tell you,
I know this doesn't mean anything to

you, and $200 is an awful lot of money,
but this is very important to me, Pop,

and I hope you understand.

Listen, Lamont, you're my son. I do
understand.

Good.

Thanks a lot, Pop.

And I can't wait to see you starring in
your first movie. Yeah.

Deep Dummy.

Oh, hi, Hutch. Hi, Lamont. See you
later, Pop.

off of smell.

It's a recipe I got from the cavortin
connoisseur. Like to have some?

I don't think so. I think you burned it.

Well, put some solar cane on it. You
won't know the difference.

Hey, that reminds me. The cavortin
connoisseur is on now.

And that's it for today's edition of the
cavortin connoisseur.

We missed it.

I do hope you enjoyed the show,
especially Mrs.

Waterford's household hit, How to Make
Sour Cream in Your Own Home.

You don't know how to... to make a soft
drink in your own home, you get some

stem milk and hold it up in front of
Edson's face.

Goodbye, everybody. See you next time.

See you till morning.

Don't touch that dial.

How would you like to make some easy
money?

Easy money?

He's reading our minds, Fred.

Simply call 555 -9191, and our
representative will come out and show

this do -all food chopper can improve
your lot in life.

Yeah, I got a lot to improve.

No obligation.

Call now and learn how you, too, can
earn easy money.

Oh, that Andy. That guy's crazy.

Ain't no such thing as easy money. Oh, I
wouldn't say that, Fred. You know, my

cousin became one of those whopper
chopper salesmen, and he made over $400.

$400. In only 10 days.

$400 in 10 days? That's $40 a day.

I haven't seen that kind of money
since... Since, uh... Since...

I ain't never seen that kind of money.

What'd you say that number was? Hey,
wait a minute, Fred. Now, my cousin is a

great salesman. I don't think you can do
as good as he could. I can tell

anything to anybody at any time.

me a hundred whopper choppers at a
dollar 75 a piece that's 175

dollars and i sell them for 675 and that
makes my profit

missing 432 divided by 81

goes into 792 over

yeah okay okay

Fred Sanford? Yes, I am. Good to see
you. My name is Danny Taylor, and I'm

Whopper Chopper representative.

And I'm here to tell you, da -da -da -da
-da -da, a Whopper Chopper man is hard

to beat. He looks a hundred fur from
head to feet. He's got a smile, a style,

winning weight. No matter where you go,
you'll recognize the men you see. Now,

there's some men I'd like to know. He's
got that good old...

Well, just sign here, Mr. Sanford.

Sure. This must be your paper to declare
you legally insane.

No, sir, Mr. Sanford. See, those are
just the contracts. See, I'm going to

you a rich man.

Well, guess what I want to hear about.

Sit down.

Well, thank you very much, sir. Thank
you.

Not in my seat. Yes, sir. Yes, sir. A
rich, rich, R -I -C -H,

rich man.

Hey, let me make you comfortable.

Sit right there.

Thank you.

Well, here she is, Mr. Sanford, the
Whopper Chopper.

She dices, slices, minces, chops and
grates.

She's the wonder of the century.

She's sleek.

She's streamlined.

And she's inexpensive.

And she's free Friday night.

Cute. Cute, Mr. Sanford. Well, look, I
got the rest of your Whopper Choppers in

my car. I'll just stack them up out
back.

Now, let me see. That's 100 Whopper
Choppers at $1 .75 apiece. That's 175

smackaroos. Well, as soon as I sell 100
Whopper Choppers for $6 .75 apiece, I'll

give you your $175.

I'm Mr. Sanford. You see, my policy is
COD, cash on delivery.

Well, now that's a good policy, but try
my policy.

H .I .D.

H .I .D.? Yeah, have it in December.

I'm sorry, Mr. Sanford, I guess we just
can't do business.

Let's just see. Hey, wait a minute.

Ralph, you know what? I'll just have to
sell these to Mr. Lewis across town.

Let me see. This is his fourth order.
Fourth order? Right.

He's already made $1 ,600 selling
Whopper Choppers, and you could too,

Well, if you don't have the money...
Wait a minute. I said I didn't have the

money. Here, take the contract.

I got the money. It's my son's money.
See, it's my money. He wants to remove

And I'm going to have to remove it.

Well, Mr.

Sanford, just remember, it takes money
to make money.

Well, let me think a second.

I thought... Hey, look out there.

Should I or shouldn't I?

I'm, uh, waiting, uh, Mr. Sanford. Oh,
give me a minute. I'm trying to decide.

He'll kill me.

He'll kill me not.

He'll kill me.

He'll kill me not. Uh, I'm talking
about, uh, $1 ,600, Mr. Sanford.

He'll kill me, but I'll die rich.

Here's the money.

Thanks, sir. Here's your wallet,
Chubbison. Mr. Sanford, thank you very

the money. Believe me, you won't regret
it.

Uh -huh.

Hey, Pop, who's that dude?

What's in the box?

What box?

Oh, in the box.

Fa -la -la -la -la, la -la -la -la.

It's your Christmas present. And don't
open it up till 25th of December.

Whopper choppers?

A television commercial?

Pop, you didn't. No, I swear I didn't.
And take my life for it.

You gave that dude... my tuition money
for those whopper choppers. You stole my

money. Don't say that. I mean, when I
sell the whopper choppers, I'll give you

your money back and I'll have enough
money to give you that 30 bucks extra

need. But it's stealing, Pop.

No, it ain't. It's stealing with
interest.

Banks do it all the time.

You stole my money, man. You know how
much that acting class meant to me.

Well, I'll get it back. Pop, if I don't
have that money by Wednesday, man, I'm

splitting. I'm leaving.

Oh, son, don't say that. I mean, that's
all I've done for you. Well, stop doing

things for me, man. How come every time
you do something ridiculous, it's for

me? It's never for you.

If I don't get that money, Pop, you will
have messed up a great opportunity for

me, and I'm not going to let you do it
anymore.

What? I didn't know that the acting
class meant more to you than your old

father, who's been taking care of you
for 35 years with all the writers.

Don't you understand, Pop? It's not just
an acting lesson.

This is the last straw, man. If I let
you get away with this, there's no

what you'll do next. Wait a minute, son.
Be real. Be real.

Oh, shut up. If Lamont leaves, I'll die.

I'll die.

What am I going to do?

Freddy's life's gone down the drain.

God pulled out the stopper.

Stole money from my only son for these
lousy waffle choppers.

Do you really think you're going to sell
some of those waffle choppers at the

party? Well, I better, because I only
got two days to get Lamont's money back.

You said you could sell anything just by
turning on the charm.

Yeah, and I'd turn on the charm, and the
people would turn on their sprinklers.

You mean you didn't even sell one
Whopper Chopper?

Not one.

Well, you better move fast if you don't
want Lamont to move out.

Yeah. Well, I don't want him to move
out. He might be a dummy, but he's the

dummy I got.

That must be the guest now. I'll get it.
See you later, Fred.

Okay.

together. Well, make yourself at home.
Sit down. My door's always open. Thank

you so much. Oh, hello, Janet.

How's your husband? Oh, he's fine.

Hey, how long you been married now?

Three weeks.

Three weeks.

Well, I've been doggone. I remember when
I was married three weeks, I said to my

son, Lamont.

Oh,

Mr. Samford, you are a caution, and I
might add a very, very

gracious host.

Not only a gracious host, but I'm
supplying the free entertainment.

Oh, splendid. How interesting.

Yes. Well, what... Hey, what's with you?

What's with you? Why are you crying?

See this again in your life. You will be
amazed.

Now this is an onion.

Amazing.

I want you to notice there's nothing up
my sleeve.

Here's the hat. And there's nothing in
the hat.

So forget the hat.

Here's what I want to talk about. The
Whopper Chopper.

Here it is, ladies.

I want you to look at this Whopper
Chopper. This little gadget you can have

the low, low price of $6 .75.

You just take an onion and drop it right
in there like this. And all you have to

do is turn the half. And you grab it.
Wait a minute. Are you all right?

Wait a minute.

Wait a minute. Oh, my God.

Oh, my goodness. You need a safety
catch. Mine has a safety catch on it.

You got one of these?

Oh, yes, indeed. We all have one, you
see.

Mrs. Miller had a Whopper Chopper party
last week. We all bought one.

You mean none of you ladies are going to
buy Whopper Chopper?

What has that to do with the party?
Come.

Let us get on with the magic.

Oh, you want magic?

Yes. All right. Now is my disappearing
trick.

Can you really make yourself disappear?

Not me.

You.

Your cavorting connoisseur has done it
again.

Duck a l 'orange.

Smells positively scrumptious.

Isn't it gorgeous?

Hey, this must be the place here.

And you know what? There's a dead duck
in this building.

I know what you're doing.

Listen, Hutch, I got to get rid of these
wopper choppers. This is my last

resort. That's all this time. Where am I
going up in the crowd where everybody

is? In the audience. In the audience.

Excuse me.

Put me down.

lucky people in the audience to join me
in this marvelous repulse.

But right now, let's take time out for a
commercial message.

Mr.

Commissar. Hi, Danny. How are you?
Great. Couldn't be better. Hey, I just

to tell you what a pleasure it is to be
running our commercials on your program.

Whopper chopper sales have tripled.

Happy to help. Hey, listen, it's awful
early. I'll see you later.

Talk to you later. Right.

And we're back.

Well, who's going to be my dining
companion today?

Fred G. Sanford. And if you got any, the
G is for gravy.

Nice to meet you, Fred.

I take it you like duck.

I can take it or leave it.

It's from a baby.

Your baby?

Little Lamont.

Doc, I'll arrange for an infant, Mr.
Sanford. Should he be eating baby food?

Yes, well, you don't think I'd take a
drumstick and shove it down his throat,

you?

His food has to be chopped and sliced
and diced. And that's why I'm here.

Pureed. Pureed. I love a pureed.

Look at here, folks, for the low, low
price. It smashes, it slices, it dices,

does everything in the home. All you
have to do is just turn the handle

Wait a minute now.

Hey,

Fred, let me help you.

Hold it.

Hold it.

You're ruining my company's image. Stop
the tape. Stop the tape.

Keep rolling. Keep rolling. I love it. I
love it. My audience will love it, too.

Wait a minute. You can't show this on
TV.

I'll be the lobbying stock of the
chopper. industry. Hey, throw this guy

here. Mr. Samford, I'm warning you.

Warn this.

Warn this. All right then, Mr. Samford.
Okay, look. All right, look.

I'm begging you then. I'm begging you.
Look, just don't sign the release.

Release? Yes.

I mean, how are we going to show this on
television? They can't do it without

your consent.

I'm signing. They didn't give me long
until I get my money back for these

whopper choppers. Oh, no. Okay.

I'll tell you what, Mr. Samford. I'll
buy them all.

$175 for what? Oh, for what? For your
100 Whopper Choppers. Now, just a

Now, you're a businessman.

Now, you know I paid $175 for those
Whopper Choppers, and I can't sell them

the same price. Ain't no profit in that.

All right, how much more?

Well, see, there's overhead.

Overhead? What overhead?

Well, onions, a torn shirt sleeve.

Knuckles, that's $200.

$200?

All right, $200, but you've got to give
me your word that you'll never sell

another Whopper Chopper ever.

That's $5 more.

$5 just for your word? My word started
$5 apiece.

All right, that's $200.

And $5 for your word.

Here's my word.

What are you watching that for? That's
the 15th time you've seen that movie.

Son, that movie is a classic.

Now, if you could stay home and watch
movies like that, you wouldn't have to

to that old dumb acting class.

You don't just learn acting by watching
movies. You have to practice.

I've learned a lot in those classes,
Pop. Look, here.

Now, you read this, and I'll show you
exactly what I mean. Now, you be Father

Callahan. Go ahead.

Father Callahan.

This is Father Callahan, killer.

You haven't got a chance.

You're surrounded, Miss Hunter.

Come out with your hands up. Ooh, you
dirty rat.

You'll never take me alive.

You're the guys that gave you to my
brother, and I'm going to give it to

I'm coming out blasting. This one's for
you, kid.

What do you think, Pop?

I can't believe that a guy that never
had acting lessons before in his life

could be that good. All right.

I loved it.

I was terrific.

Let me do it with you again.

Come on.

Now listen, you dirty rat. No, no, more
teeth, more teeth. I know how to do

this.

Moodle me the world.