Original subtitles

It's a bird.

Why do you say every animal I make looks like a dog?

Oh,

no reason.

Hi, guys.

Hey. Hi, Christine.

Miss Dalvin, can I ask you a question? Sure. Oh, what a cute little dog.

Never mind.

Join us, Christine.

Oh, I can't. I don't have the time.

I just got a call from the new head of legal aid, and he wants to see me.

And you're going to do a little sucking up.

Yes,

a little.

Well, good luck.

Thank you.

Au revoir.

Bonsoir, bonsoir, bonsoir, mes amis.

It is a wonderful evening. That's a par.

Hey, Dan, look.

Would you look at that, a beagle with wings.

you to meet Miss Roberta LaPage. Hi. She works down at Mimeo. She copies them by

the thousands, but she's one of a kind to me.

She has graciously accepted my invitation for an evening of dining and

and whatever the fates may bring.

The battery's not included.

Dan is such a great guy.

Is that a fact?

Yeah. You know, it's not every... man who wants to go out with a woman once

she's taken an oath of celibacy.

An oath of what?

Celibacy. I'm abstaining from sex.

Now that was a bird.

Sounds like they're all having fun, doesn't it?

Sounds like they all had the chili for lunch.

You ready to start?

Yes, sir. As soon as Christine gets back from lunch.

I'm here.

Hold that.

Let's go.

First case, sir. People versus Trixie Dubois.

She's charged with prostitution.

Mr. Prosecutor.

Yes, sir. Familiar story. Boy meets girl. Girl asks for a C -note. Boy

badge. Girl offers discount. Boy busts girl.

Ain't love grand.

Defense? My client pleads guilty, Your Honor.

Nothing to add? Nothing. Okay, then we'll just make this $50. Not a damn

Fine.

Then I'll just call this... Well, there's really nothing left to say, is

Let's find out.

It's all pretty cut and dried, isn't it? I mean, obviously a crime has been

committed here, not one of larceny or violence, mind you, but the simple

of sex.

Let's go get them chairs.

And who stands before us to be punished for this crime?

The man?

The real instigator of the problem?

No!

Right! The woman.

The eternal victim of man's history.

You...

like a dick from an Eskimo pie.

What's your point?

like him.

Who the hell are we talking about?

Arthur Thursby, my new boss.

He... No, I don't even want to talk about it. It's too heinous.

I can take it. What did he do?

How do you know that?

I want to show you something.

This is my college graduation picture.

Gee, who would have thought you could put 700 faces on a wallet size?

That's Clarence Wentworth. He was class valedictorian.

Miss Sullivan, I can't even make out rows.

That's me, 364th from the left.

Oh, yeah. Yeah, hey, you were our cute little dot, weren't you?

I was salutatorian, the runner -up. Well, that must have been quite an

It sucks, dammit.

I'll just clam up.

I was supposed to be valedictorian. I had the highest grade average in my

until the final semester when a certain professor decided that he liked me.

So he asked me out on a date. I politely turned him down. He politely gave me a

C.

Clarence Wentworth became valedictorian.

He got a scholarship to Harvard Law School.

I got a dinner for six at Benihana's.

It's all because I said no thank you to a man who had authority over me.

I understand.

No, you don't.

I guess I don't.

But I'm sorry.

So am I.

Miss Sullivan.

Now, I'm going to ask you a question, and I want you to think about this. Do

think it could be even remotely possible that that past incident is coloring

the present? Nope.

Well, thanks for mulling it over.

Oh, you should have been there. Oh, it's so smooth.

It was all projection and innuendo.

Miss Sullivan, if you want to file a formal charge, I will stand behind you

100%. But every time one co -worker asks another one out, we can't assume that

he's a sexual degenerate.

Harry, would you tell her I've got six months to live?

Dan.

Give me a physical. You'll see for yourself.

You were saying, sir?

Okay, there are... Exceptions to every rule, but some of us would like to think

that we are in control of our baser animal instincts.

Here's your Playmate magazine, sir.

Miss Sullivan, I will have you know that this magazine contains an in -depth

interview with Justice Sandra Day O 'Connor along with many other well

and thought -provoking articles.

My pet peeves are rainy days, people who frown, and black lung disease.

Gee, so that's Sandra Day O 'Connor.

Boy, a robe makes all the difference, doesn't it?

Dad, listen to me. I didn't choose celibacy on a whim.

I needed to make a change in my life.

You didn't know the old me.

All I ever thought about was sex.

All I ever did was sex.

And all I ever wanted was sex.

What would you have thought of a woman like that?

Animals are all Hindenburgers.

Oh, I'm sorry to hear that, sir.

Well, you seem a bit more relaxed.

Yeah, I guess I am. I decided to call Arthur Thursby and politely turn down

offer for a date.

And it's all settled?

It's all settled.

He fired me.

He fired you?

I told him I didn't think it would be proper for us to see each other after

hours. He said he was sorry to hear that since my job was involved.

I told him that sounded like sexual harassment. He said, hit the road.

Well, I guess the next step is obvious.

Right, we kill him.

Then we rip his face off.

Then we put it back on upside down.

You subscribe to Drawn and Quarterly, don't you?

You should go out tonight after all. Did I mention I have a trapeze?

The truth is I'm afraid.

I have a net.

Stan, let me be honest.

I know that your remarkable presence, your obvious virility, would persuade me

to abandon my oath of celibacy and regress into the hot animal passions I

expressed so freely.

Ecstasy. Then it abandons me there.

I need satisfaction and I need it now.

I understand.

Do you want to be alone?

Yes. Yes.

Yes, I understand.

Come in.

Excuse me, Monsignor. The good, the bad, and the ugly just dropped by.

Well, can I get you folks anything?

Coffee? Tea?

Noose?

Mr. Thursby, I'm Judge Harold T. Stone. Judge Stone, it's a pleasure to meet

you, sir. I've heard so much of your outstanding humanistic work on the

Oh, yeah?

Well, thanks.

Well, I can assume you're here to discuss the matter of...

Miss Sullivan's dismissal. You bet we are. I'm very glad to hear that. I'd

to do whatever I can to rectify the matter. Oh, yeah? Well, thanks again.

How am I doing? Oh, you got him on the ropes, sir.

Give me a chance.

Here. What's this?

That's a copy of the letter we've written to the Judicial Review Board. It

charges you with sexual harassment.

I see.

Well, then...

Perhaps you'd better take a look at this.

It's a letter I'm sending to the review board.

You mean she sexually harassed you, too?

If you're not getting enough air, I can open a window.

Wait a minute. Why are you sending a letter to the board?

Well, it tells my side of things. Even the innocent sometimes need a good

defense. And just what do you need a defense against, Thursby?

Wrongful accusations, hasty conclusions.

Getting my face ripped off.

Thursby, answer me this.

Did you or did you not tell Miss Sullivan that you wanted to spend time

after work? Well, I did.

Uh -huh.

And did you or did you not tell her that her job was involved?

I did. Uh -huh.

And did you or did you not plan to demand sexual favors from her?

No, I planned to offer her promotion.

Ah.

Huh?

Absolutely. Judge Stone, I'm new at this job.

Everyone in this department is just a piece of paper to me. Now, what kind of

manager would I be if I made an important and pressing decision like

on the basis of a resume?

I asked Miss Sullivan to meet with me only to make sure she was as impressive

person as she is on her record.

Thursday, this good guy act of yours is as phony as this picture of your kid.

Look at that. It doesn't even look like him.

Fernando is my foster child in San Salvador.

The picture was taken after his second operation.

Much more of this and I'll go out with the guy.

Here's a copy of the promotion recommendation I sent to my superiors.

Look, when you mention sexual harassment, I may have overreacted by

But as a lawyer, I don't have to tell you the kind of damage wrongful

can do.

It can destroy a man's life.

Oh, my God.

Excuse me?

I have accused an innocent man.

Uh, hello? Hello? I'm sorry, what was that?

I made a mistake.

A mistake?

As in a boo -boo of some sort?

I'm sorry.

You're sorry?

Did you hear that? She's sorry.

I stood by you. I believed in you. I trusted you. And here I am, looking like

complete... Yutz?

Thanks. Oh, don't mention it.

Look, I understand completely.

Judge Stone, you thought you were protecting a friend.

I admire that.

Yeah, well, I guess I'll be slinking out of here now.

It's been my pleasure.

Are you coming?

Yeah, in a minute. I think I should apologize to Mr. Thursby.

No.

Really?

Well, when you're done groveling here, why don't you slither down to my office

with whatever shred of dignity you have left so I can stomp on it?

Good day, Mr. Thursby. Good day, Judge Stone.

Mr.

Thursby, I'm sorry I thought about ripping your face off.

Me too.

Mr. Thursby, I feel awful. Oh, no, that's all right.

Oh, no, it's not all right.

If I had persisted with these accusations, just think what might have

Oh, you're really a wonderful man, adopting this sweet young child.

Actually, he's not that young.

Wait a minute.

This is Herve Villachez.

I'll admit the resemblance is striking.

And that's Ricardo Montalban in the background.

I never thought anybody would look at it through a magnifying glass.

Then you lie to me!

I do that sometimes.

Don't you come one step closer.

Or what?

After crying wolf a few minutes ago, your credibility is shot.

Isn't it?

Christine?

The minute I laid eyes on you, I knew I'd have you.

Admit it.

Christine.

You're glad I did that.

As a matter of fact, Mr. Thursby, I am.

That's thick.

I like it.

Are you all right? I'm fine.

Did he grab you? Oh, it was just like one of the nightmares I've had about

Down, boy. Down.

Heel.

Go wait outside.

I promise we'll save you the face.

Miss Sullivan, you got the evidence?

Oh, I got plenty, sir.

What do you mean, evidence? You have no evidence of anything. It's my word

against hers.

Oh, well. That would be true, Mr.

Thursby, if it weren't for Dr.

Congo's pendicurical, self -fabricating comedy, Hand Talk.

They're insane!

They called me mad at the university.

You don't know Dr.

Congo's Thursby? It's a great gag, really. You pick it up in any novelty

It's a powder. You put it on some thing, like an envelope.

And then you hand that envelope to someone.

Now, when their sweat gets on it, things start working.

About five minutes later, anything they've touched is going to turn bright

Kind of like your face just now.

Getting a little sweaty, are we, Mr. Thursby?

Let's wait this one out for a couple of minutes.

Just for laughs.

What do you say?

Okay.

Okay.

What do you want?

I am going to file formal charges.

And we are going to get you out of this job, out of this office, and out of this

profession. You can count on it. Okay.

No female talks to me like that.

I'll go where I want to go when I'm damned good and ready.

I'm ready now.

Hey!

That was a pretty nifty little scheme of yours, Miss Sullivan.

Oh, well, I couldn't have done it without your help, sir.

No, I know what all the Dr.

Khan goes.

Guess you could say we caught him red -handed in the end, huh?

I don't see a handprint. What?

I don't see a handprint.

Are you sure?

Oh, look all you want, but there's no handprint.

Wait a minute.

He's right. There's nothing there. I mean, there's something there, but

no handprint.

Well, what happened?

Well, this isn't the envelope I put the powder on.

It's not?

No. Roz must have given that envelope to someone else.