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1
00:00:15,715 --> 00:00:17,416
(cheering)
2
00:00:17,418 --> 00:00:19,084
It's the little
american.
3
00:00:19,086 --> 00:00:20,252
I'm sorry, I'm sorry.
4
00:00:20,254 --> 00:00:22,054
(both)
jaime, what's wrong?
5
00:00:22,056 --> 00:00:24,523
Well, I, um,
I failed the test.
6
00:00:24,525 --> 00:00:25,557
(both gasp)
7
00:00:25,559 --> 00:00:26,959
And I'm getting
deported.
8
00:00:26,961 --> 00:00:30,462
Jaime, those old white dudes
are impossible to tell apart.
9
00:00:30,464 --> 00:00:32,064
I know, babe,
I know.
10
00:00:32,066 --> 00:00:34,500
(sniffling)
11
00:00:34,502 --> 00:00:35,768
Just kidding!
12
00:00:35,770 --> 00:00:37,269
I passed the test!
13
00:00:37,271 --> 00:00:39,204
Ah...
Oh, man!
14
00:00:39,206 --> 00:00:41,240
Tomorrow I become
a true american.
15
00:00:41,242 --> 00:00:42,508
I got you,
I got you, I got you!
16
00:00:42,510 --> 00:00:44,476
Yeah, jaime!
I believed you...
17
00:00:44,478 --> 00:00:46,278
It was scary.
18
00:00:46,280 --> 00:00:48,547
My heart,
it was exploding.
19
00:00:48,549 --> 00:00:49,648
I'm so sorry.
20
00:00:49,650 --> 00:00:50,616
It's so good, though.
21
00:00:50,618 --> 00:00:52,818
Hemos, tonight is
going to be a night
22
00:00:52,820 --> 00:00:55,487
That you are never,
ever gonna forget.
23
00:00:55,489 --> 00:00:58,157
We are going to sail right past
the statue of liberty,
24
00:00:58,159 --> 00:01:00,125
Like the true american
immigrants did.
25
00:01:00,127 --> 00:01:01,560
It's unbelievable that
we live in a city
26
00:01:01,562 --> 00:01:06,198
Where our ancestors
passed through ellis island.
27
00:01:06,200 --> 00:01:08,801
Yeah...
Mine didn't.
28
00:01:10,703 --> 00:01:12,404
Right.
Right, right, right.
29
00:01:12,406 --> 00:01:15,974
(men)
♪ four and three
and two and one-one ♪
30
00:01:19,946 --> 00:01:21,647
So, melody can only
put my name on the list
31
00:01:21,649 --> 00:01:24,183
Because her law firm's like,
really strict and rich,
32
00:01:24,185 --> 00:01:25,951
Or whatever,
but it should be fine.
33
00:01:25,953 --> 00:01:27,219
Dude, melody owes you.
34
00:01:27,221 --> 00:01:29,988
Her boyfriend lives
in your apartment...
35
00:01:29,990 --> 00:01:30,956
Like, completely free.
36
00:01:30,958 --> 00:01:33,792
I wonder if that aryan ghost
will even appear tonight.
37
00:01:33,794 --> 00:01:34,726
No, melody's
gonna be here.
38
00:01:34,728 --> 00:01:36,195
She e-mailed me to tell me
there's gonna be like,
39
00:01:36,197 --> 00:01:39,465
All this free booze
and all this free food.
40
00:01:39,467 --> 00:01:42,134
I brought ziplocs,
pass it down.
41
00:01:44,571 --> 00:01:47,005
Okay, have fun.
42
00:01:47,007 --> 00:01:47,639
Name.
43
00:01:47,641 --> 00:01:51,276
Hello, I am abbi abrams,
thank you.
44
00:01:52,312 --> 00:01:52,845
A...
45
00:01:52,847 --> 00:01:54,880
No, no, no, no,
I don't see it.
46
00:01:54,882 --> 00:01:56,915
It's abbi
with an "I".
47
00:01:56,917 --> 00:01:57,483
Uh, nope.
48
00:01:57,485 --> 00:01:58,917
How are you possibly
reading all the names?
49
00:01:58,919 --> 00:01:59,718
You're going so fast.
50
00:01:59,720 --> 00:02:03,288
I-- this is my space,
so just, please.
Okay.
51
00:02:03,290 --> 00:02:05,324
Oh, there it is, okay.
Yes.
52
00:02:05,326 --> 00:02:06,658
Thank you.
Thank you so much.
53
00:02:06,660 --> 00:02:08,861
But it's not
plus three, so...
54
00:02:08,863 --> 00:02:13,465
Okay, um, I have an assistant,
and they called.
55
00:02:13,467 --> 00:02:15,167
Chrissy,
did you not call...
56
00:02:15,169 --> 00:02:19,104
To change the confirmation
like I asked you to?
57
00:02:19,106 --> 00:02:23,876
Did you mess up
my plans once again
58
00:02:23,878 --> 00:02:27,412
And not call to change?
59
00:02:27,414 --> 00:02:28,714
I'm so sorry,
I forgot.
60
00:02:28,716 --> 00:02:29,748
We're trying to get
on the boat.
61
00:02:29,750 --> 00:02:32,184
This is an important
business boat meeting.
62
00:02:32,186 --> 00:02:33,819
Just please don't hit me
in front of everybody.
63
00:02:33,821 --> 00:02:36,722
You know what, your mom died
two weeks ago, chrissy!
64
00:02:36,724 --> 00:02:39,458
Get your (bleep) together!
I'm so sorry.
65
00:02:39,460 --> 00:02:39,992
No, it's fine.
66
00:02:39,994 --> 00:02:41,193
Just get on the boat,
just get on the boat.
67
00:02:41,195 --> 00:02:43,128
I don't care.
All right, we'll
deal with this later.
68
00:02:43,130 --> 00:02:46,165
I don't care.
Okay, thank you.
69
00:02:46,167 --> 00:02:48,333
I want to
give this to you.
70
00:02:48,335 --> 00:02:49,535
Bye-bye, balloons.
71
00:02:49,537 --> 00:02:50,102
Wait up.
72
00:02:50,104 --> 00:02:51,170
♪ cha-cha cha-cha
cha cha ♪
73
00:02:51,172 --> 00:02:53,805
♪ cha-cha cha-cha cha ♪♪
74
00:02:53,807 --> 00:02:55,140
♪♪
75
00:03:02,715 --> 00:03:05,050
(laughing)
76
00:03:15,828 --> 00:03:16,562
It's fantastic.
77
00:03:16,564 --> 00:03:18,497
You have like,
a full-blown family.
78
00:03:18,499 --> 00:03:20,399
Well...
How old is your daughter?
79
00:03:20,401 --> 00:03:22,401
Well, she was born
in q-3 of '012,
80
00:03:22,403 --> 00:03:25,237
So she's
11-quarters old.
81
00:03:25,239 --> 00:03:27,606
(lincoln)
maybe I should start wearing
belts with seafood on 'em.
82
00:03:27,608 --> 00:03:33,545
I bet every guy on this boat
is into annas with bananas.
83
00:03:33,547 --> 00:03:34,279
Huh?
84
00:03:34,281 --> 00:03:37,716
Denises with penises.
85
00:03:37,718 --> 00:03:39,751
Gals with dongs, bro.
86
00:03:39,753 --> 00:03:40,419
Oh.
87
00:03:40,421 --> 00:03:41,987
Lawyers love 'em,
so hot.
88
00:03:41,989 --> 00:03:45,824
You say that about every single
white-collar professional.
89
00:03:45,826 --> 00:03:49,194
(scoffing)
90
00:03:49,196 --> 00:03:50,295
So, where do
you guys live?
91
00:03:50,297 --> 00:03:52,531
(together)
murray hill.
92
00:03:52,533 --> 00:03:55,500
But I'm moving
to williamsburg!
93
00:03:59,505 --> 00:04:00,372
This is gonna
take forever.
94
00:04:00,374 --> 00:04:02,074
You know what, jaime,
this is your night.
95
00:04:02,076 --> 00:04:03,008
You're not
waiting in line
96
00:04:03,010 --> 00:04:05,110
Like some bridge
and tunnel club meet.
97
00:04:05,112 --> 00:04:06,245
It's okay.
Yeah, you know what,
98
00:04:06,247 --> 00:04:07,813
Why don't you guys
go check out the view?
99
00:04:07,815 --> 00:04:09,348
We'll wait it out.
What do you want?
100
00:04:09,350 --> 00:04:10,449
Really?
101
00:04:10,451 --> 00:04:11,717
Yeah.
102
00:04:11,719 --> 00:04:13,819
Okay, I want a gin and vodka
maraschino sizzle,
103
00:04:13,821 --> 00:04:16,088
Okay, with curacao,
and a...
104
00:04:16,090 --> 00:04:18,190
And a little splash
of crème de menthe.
105
00:04:18,192 --> 00:04:20,425
That sounds good.
I'll have one, too.
106
00:04:20,427 --> 00:04:21,893
Okay.
Two, coming up.
107
00:04:21,895 --> 00:04:22,894
Okay, bye.
108
00:04:22,896 --> 00:04:24,296
They are totally
getting beer.
109
00:04:24,298 --> 00:04:26,098
(bevers)
hey, abi-dab!
110
00:04:26,100 --> 00:04:27,499
Oh, bevers.
111
00:04:27,501 --> 00:04:30,769
Melody and I have been looking
for you guys everywhere.
112
00:04:30,771 --> 00:04:33,071
She just went to the can,
she had to take a doody.
113
00:04:33,073 --> 00:04:35,107
I'm sure she'll be
so happy you told us.
114
00:04:35,109 --> 00:04:37,442
You guys aren't waiting in line
for the bar, are you?
115
00:04:37,444 --> 00:04:38,410
You don't
have to do that.
116
00:04:38,412 --> 00:04:40,879
(whispering)
I know where they
keep the liquor.
117
00:04:40,881 --> 00:04:41,980
Um, we're fine,
waiting.
118
00:04:41,982 --> 00:04:44,650
What? No. Trust me,
I've sailed on this boat
119
00:04:44,652 --> 00:04:46,918
With melody
for 12 quarters now.
120
00:04:46,920 --> 00:04:48,387
I know all its secrets.
121
00:04:48,389 --> 00:04:51,356
The captain
is a murderer.
122
00:04:51,358 --> 00:04:52,190
What?
Really?
123
00:04:52,192 --> 00:04:55,827
(mocking)
yeah, really.
124
00:04:55,829 --> 00:04:58,964
They don't let murderers
be captains.
125
00:04:58,966 --> 00:05:00,198
Come on, let's go.
126
00:05:00,200 --> 00:05:01,800
Come on, let's get
some stuff.
127
00:05:01,802 --> 00:05:04,069
Come on, come on.
128
00:05:23,189 --> 00:05:25,957
Ah... All right.
129
00:05:32,465 --> 00:05:33,498
Whoa!
130
00:05:33,500 --> 00:05:36,068
Whoa, bevers.
131
00:05:36,070 --> 00:05:38,103
You actually
pulled through.
132
00:05:38,105 --> 00:05:40,906
Abbi, you never
give me enough credit.
133
00:05:40,908 --> 00:05:43,575
I got moves
you never seen.
134
00:05:43,577 --> 00:05:46,244
Okay, let's just get
the drinks and go, all right?
135
00:05:46,246 --> 00:05:47,479
Yeah...
Yeah, yeah, yeah.
136
00:05:47,481 --> 00:05:50,682
(bottles clanking)
137
00:05:50,684 --> 00:05:52,050
This is good.
Okay.
138
00:05:52,052 --> 00:05:54,119
This is good.
139
00:05:55,154 --> 00:05:58,557
(door clanking)
140
00:05:58,559 --> 00:06:00,826
It's locked?
141
00:06:00,828 --> 00:06:03,028
It's not my fault.
142
00:06:03,030 --> 00:06:04,996
Help, somebody!
143
00:06:04,998 --> 00:06:06,865
Rape! Rape!
144
00:06:06,867 --> 00:06:07,432
Dude!
145
00:06:07,434 --> 00:06:09,301
You're supposed to yell
"rape" in emergencies.
146
00:06:09,303 --> 00:06:11,703
No, it's "fire,"
you yell "fire."
147
00:06:11,705 --> 00:06:13,805
Oh, fine.
Fire!
148
00:06:13,807 --> 00:06:15,307
Fire!
Hello!
149
00:06:15,309 --> 00:06:16,775
Wait, wait,
move out of the way.
150
00:06:16,777 --> 00:06:17,709
I'm gonna ram the door.
151
00:06:17,711 --> 00:06:20,979
The man is gonna
ram the door.
152
00:06:20,981 --> 00:06:23,682
Wanna see me ram it?
153
00:06:23,684 --> 00:06:27,352
Ah!
(bleep)
154
00:06:27,354 --> 00:06:28,186
(bevers moaning)
155
00:06:28,188 --> 00:06:29,421
(abbi)
are you okay?
156
00:06:29,423 --> 00:06:31,189
Well, yeah.
157
00:06:31,191 --> 00:06:32,257
Fire!
158
00:06:32,259 --> 00:06:34,626
Fire and rape!
159
00:06:34,628 --> 00:06:36,795
Rape and fire!
160
00:06:36,797 --> 00:06:38,263
Fire rape!
161
00:06:41,067 --> 00:06:42,033
I honestly have
always thought
162
00:06:42,035 --> 00:06:44,970
That we'd die in
each other's arms at sea.
163
00:06:44,972 --> 00:06:45,704
Ah! Balls.
164
00:06:45,706 --> 00:06:49,508
Sorry, abbi, I broke your
starbucks gift card.
165
00:06:49,510 --> 00:06:51,643
Bevers, I still had
$17 on that.
166
00:06:51,645 --> 00:06:52,577
Well, maybe now
you can
167
00:06:52,579 --> 00:06:54,279
Start supporting
local businesses.
168
00:06:54,281 --> 00:06:57,048
Listen, there are 250
lawyers on this boat.
169
00:06:57,050 --> 00:06:58,150
These guys drink a lot.
170
00:06:58,152 --> 00:07:01,153
So, if each one of them has at
least three drinks per hour,
171
00:07:01,155 --> 00:07:04,423
That's 750 drinks
every hour.
172
00:07:04,425 --> 00:07:07,058
What is this,
the 2400 point sat?
173
00:07:07,060 --> 00:07:07,893
(mocking)
no, silly.
174
00:07:07,895 --> 00:07:08,927
(normal voice)
it's simple math.
175
00:07:08,929 --> 00:07:12,197
They're gonna have to restock
the bar in 20 to 25 minutes.
176
00:07:12,199 --> 00:07:15,367
We only wanna hang out with
each other anyway, right?
177
00:07:15,369 --> 00:07:17,269
(chuckling)
178
00:07:17,271 --> 00:07:18,570
So, what's the vibe
gonna be like
179
00:07:18,572 --> 00:07:20,172
At the naturalization
ceremony?
180
00:07:20,174 --> 00:07:23,008
Can I wear my american flag tie,
or would that be too gauche?
181
00:07:23,010 --> 00:07:27,379
Hold on, I'm gonna be wearing
my american flag contact lenses.
182
00:07:27,381 --> 00:07:28,747
Yeah, they burn me
very badly.
183
00:07:28,749 --> 00:07:29,347
I should stop.
184
00:07:29,349 --> 00:07:32,150
Hey, cheers to you, dude,
for becoming a citizen,
185
00:07:32,152 --> 00:07:36,321
And also to me-- this is
my first time ever on a boat.
186
00:07:36,323 --> 00:07:38,056
No, really?
187
00:07:38,058 --> 00:07:39,157
No, prank, man.
188
00:07:39,159 --> 00:07:39,991
I'm a well-to-do
dentist,
189
00:07:39,993 --> 00:07:42,027
Of course I've been
on a boat before.
190
00:07:42,029 --> 00:07:44,129
Ah, you got me.
Cheers.
191
00:07:46,132 --> 00:07:48,366
That is how we cheers
in latin america.
192
00:07:48,368 --> 00:07:51,169
Really?
No, man, prank, bitch.
193
00:07:51,171 --> 00:07:52,103
(both laughing)
194
00:07:52,105 --> 00:07:54,606
I'm stealin' that one.
195
00:07:57,043 --> 00:07:58,243
(abbi)
okay, I got one.
196
00:07:58,245 --> 00:08:00,946
Captain morgan...
197
00:08:00,948 --> 00:08:06,084
Jack daniels,
svedka vodka, robot...
198
00:08:06,086 --> 00:08:07,419
(ilana)
easy-- kill the dudes,
199
00:08:07,421 --> 00:08:10,489
(bleep) and marry
that robot.
200
00:08:10,491 --> 00:08:11,590
You guys know that
human-robot marriage
201
00:08:11,592 --> 00:08:15,827
Is gonna be the civil rights
issue of our lifetime?
202
00:08:15,829 --> 00:08:16,828
Oh, really?
203
00:08:16,830 --> 00:08:17,662
(bevers)
I got one.
204
00:08:17,664 --> 00:08:23,001
Would you rather
drink a cup of mayonnaise,
205
00:08:23,003 --> 00:08:26,338
Or a cup of jazz?
206
00:08:26,340 --> 00:08:27,539
What the (bleep)
is jazz?
207
00:08:27,541 --> 00:08:30,509
You know, you jerk off
and jazz shoots out.
208
00:08:30,511 --> 00:08:33,178
I knew that that was
gonna be something awful.
209
00:08:33,180 --> 00:08:34,679
Why did we ask?
210
00:08:34,681 --> 00:08:35,780
I like to call it jazz
211
00:08:35,782 --> 00:08:37,916
Because it comes
out of my horn
212
00:08:37,918 --> 00:08:40,352
And you never know
where it's gonna go.
213
00:08:40,354 --> 00:08:42,487
That is so gross.
214
00:08:42,489 --> 00:08:44,022
(with patois accent)
me hearing a lot of chitchat.
215
00:08:44,024 --> 00:08:48,126
Me don't hear you answering
that question, why?
216
00:08:48,128 --> 00:08:49,661
And you never will.
217
00:08:49,663 --> 00:08:51,196
I would chug the jazz.
218
00:08:51,198 --> 00:08:53,198
(chuckling)
219
00:08:53,200 --> 00:08:55,100
(jaime)
lincoln, can I tell you
a secret?
220
00:08:55,102 --> 00:08:57,736
I want to practice talking
in an american accent,
221
00:08:57,738 --> 00:08:58,470
But I'm very scared.
222
00:08:58,472 --> 00:09:01,640
You're in international waters,
man, spread your wings.
223
00:09:01,642 --> 00:09:04,276
Okay, I do this
for you.
224
00:09:04,278 --> 00:09:05,210
Um...
225
00:09:05,212 --> 00:09:09,514
(american accent)
I love hamburgers...
226
00:09:09,516 --> 00:09:11,683
And I love dui's.
227
00:09:11,685 --> 00:09:14,219
(man)
hey, bro, do I know you
from michigan state?
228
00:09:14,221 --> 00:09:16,021
Were you delta sig?
229
00:09:16,023 --> 00:09:17,889
Eh...
230
00:09:17,891 --> 00:09:20,025
(american accent)
that's correct, bro-sef.
231
00:09:20,027 --> 00:09:23,395
I was a frat bro
upon the campus.
232
00:09:23,397 --> 00:09:24,996
I knew it.
233
00:09:31,571 --> 00:09:35,140
Uh, abbi, I don't think
anybody washed those.
234
00:09:35,142 --> 00:09:38,910
I don't even care,
I am so hungry right now.
235
00:09:38,912 --> 00:09:42,981
You're in luck,
you can eat some of my shrimp.
236
00:09:42,983 --> 00:09:45,784
Bevers, why do you
have shrimp in your pocket?
237
00:09:45,786 --> 00:09:47,953
Because the shrimp
is always the first thing
238
00:09:47,955 --> 00:09:49,421
To get eaten on
these boats.
239
00:09:49,423 --> 00:09:52,390
I gave you a ziploc
this morning, did I not?
240
00:09:52,392 --> 00:09:56,161
And she is occupato.
241
00:09:56,163 --> 00:09:57,896
You're welcome.
242
00:09:57,898 --> 00:09:59,898
Dude, check this out.
243
00:09:59,900 --> 00:10:02,701
(abbi)
oh, my god.
244
00:10:02,703 --> 00:10:03,435
Whoopsie.
245
00:10:03,437 --> 00:10:05,403
It was supposed
to be a surprise.
246
00:10:05,405 --> 00:10:09,307
I'm gonna propose
to melody tonight.
247
00:10:09,309 --> 00:10:13,211
(vocalizing dramatic fanfare)
bom-bom bwooom.
248
00:10:15,214 --> 00:10:16,448
I really haven't
thought about it,
249
00:10:16,450 --> 00:10:18,617
But I'd be
posh spice.
250
00:10:18,619 --> 00:10:19,551
Oh, you're so posh spice.
251
00:10:19,553 --> 00:10:21,486
I wish there could've been
like, a latina one
252
00:10:21,488 --> 00:10:22,954
Called "the spicy spice,"
253
00:10:22,956 --> 00:10:24,723
But this is just
a fantasy of mine.
254
00:10:24,725 --> 00:10:26,925
Open your eyes, man.
255
00:10:26,927 --> 00:10:30,261
Shakira is
spicy spice.
256
00:10:30,263 --> 00:10:32,564
Oh... My god.
257
00:10:32,566 --> 00:10:34,132
You're a genius.
258
00:10:34,134 --> 00:10:35,066
Wait, this is insane.
259
00:10:35,068 --> 00:10:37,235
I mean, have you even
talked to melody about this?
260
00:10:37,237 --> 00:10:41,272
No, but we've been dating
for like, 12 quarters.
261
00:10:41,274 --> 00:10:43,642
I mean, three years.
262
00:10:43,644 --> 00:10:44,709
It just feels
like it's time.
263
00:10:44,711 --> 00:10:46,211
Besides, we already
live together.
264
00:10:46,213 --> 00:10:48,947
No, you do not
live together.
265
00:10:48,949 --> 00:10:50,782
You have your
own apartment.
266
00:10:50,784 --> 00:10:52,317
Jesus!
267
00:10:54,253 --> 00:10:56,888
Does this mean that
you'd be moving out?
268
00:10:56,890 --> 00:10:58,223
I've been dreading
this conversation,
269
00:10:58,225 --> 00:11:02,861
But, yeah, I know,
I feel sad about it, too.
270
00:11:02,863 --> 00:11:04,229
I actually wanted to
ask you, though,
271
00:11:04,231 --> 00:11:06,998
If you would
be my best man.
272
00:11:07,000 --> 00:11:08,299
Bevers, you have
four brothers.
273
00:11:08,301 --> 00:11:12,737
But, I feel like you're the one
who really, really gets me.
274
00:11:12,739 --> 00:11:13,605
When we get
out of here,
275
00:11:13,607 --> 00:11:16,374
I'm gonna pop the big "q"
in front of everybody.
276
00:11:16,376 --> 00:11:19,010
I already worked it
all out with the dj.
277
00:11:19,012 --> 00:11:20,612
I'm such a showboat.
278
00:11:20,614 --> 00:11:22,814
This is rude, I'm sorry,
but bride marriage
279
00:11:22,816 --> 00:11:24,749
Keeps women
treated like property.
280
00:11:24,751 --> 00:11:26,618
I thought all women
wanted to get married.
281
00:11:26,620 --> 00:11:29,154
Wake up, bevers.
Yeah, one day.
282
00:11:29,156 --> 00:11:32,090
No offense, but women
don't hit their sexual peak
283
00:11:32,092 --> 00:11:36,027
Until their
extremely late 30's.
284
00:11:36,029 --> 00:11:37,829
I just feel like
you guys are young
285
00:11:37,831 --> 00:11:39,497
To be lockin' it down.
286
00:11:39,499 --> 00:11:41,900
Government-mandated monogamy
is for old people,
287
00:11:41,902 --> 00:11:45,670
Like facebook invites
or network tv.
288
00:11:45,672 --> 00:11:47,572
Or it's not, ilana.
289
00:11:47,574 --> 00:11:50,108
Bevers,
you love this woman.
290
00:11:50,110 --> 00:11:53,011
She is your lock
and key.
291
00:11:53,013 --> 00:11:55,313
Marry her, start
a new life together,
292
00:11:55,315 --> 00:11:57,215
Get a new apartment.
293
00:11:57,217 --> 00:11:59,584
Go for it, man.
294
00:11:59,586 --> 00:12:02,987
I'm the king of america!
295
00:12:02,989 --> 00:12:04,823
All right, switch,
now I get to be rose.
296
00:12:04,825 --> 00:12:05,857
Okay, okay.
297
00:12:05,859 --> 00:12:06,391
I'm confused.
298
00:12:06,393 --> 00:12:10,095
You and lincoln seem like
a pretty serious couple.
299
00:12:10,097 --> 00:12:10,862
We're sex friends--
300
00:12:10,864 --> 00:12:15,600
Although we haven't had sex
in like, four days.
301
00:12:15,602 --> 00:12:18,403
You know, today I was
actually with him all day,
302
00:12:18,405 --> 00:12:21,106
But I didn't see
his dick once.
303
00:12:21,108 --> 00:12:23,308
Melody and I
haven't had sex in weeks,
304
00:12:23,310 --> 00:12:24,342
On purpose, though.
305
00:12:24,344 --> 00:12:25,577
It's called "edging."
306
00:12:25,579 --> 00:12:26,444
Edging?
307
00:12:26,446 --> 00:12:27,378
It's like when you
308
00:12:27,380 --> 00:12:28,880
Get yourself
super aroused,
309
00:12:28,882 --> 00:12:30,915
But you don't blow
your orgasm,
310
00:12:30,917 --> 00:12:32,317
You never
blow your orgasm.
311
00:12:32,319 --> 00:12:34,352
You know how whales
have that blow hole?
312
00:12:34,354 --> 00:12:35,120
Yeah, o-okay.
313
00:12:35,122 --> 00:12:38,790
Ab, do you think lincoln and I
are like a "couple"?
314
00:12:38,792 --> 00:12:40,258
I don't know, I mean,
you've been spending
315
00:12:40,260 --> 00:12:41,793
A lot more time with him
lately, right?
316
00:12:41,795 --> 00:12:42,794
And if you're
not having sex,
317
00:12:42,796 --> 00:12:45,663
He's either your boyfriend
or your best friend.
318
00:12:45,665 --> 00:12:46,397
Ow!
319
00:12:46,399 --> 00:12:47,365
You are my best friend!
320
00:12:47,367 --> 00:12:49,834
Don't you ever call
anybody else that!
321
00:12:49,836 --> 00:12:51,169
What the (bleep)?
322
00:12:51,171 --> 00:12:53,071
He's not my
boyfriend!
323
00:12:53,073 --> 00:12:55,006
I'm wild and I'm free!
324
00:12:55,008 --> 00:12:58,243
I'm a sexual x-man,
I'm wolverine.
325
00:12:58,245 --> 00:12:59,744
I'm vulva-rine.
326
00:12:59,746 --> 00:13:01,646
(bevers with british accent)
me thinks the lady
327
00:13:01,648 --> 00:13:05,316
Doth protest too much.
328
00:13:05,318 --> 00:13:06,484
Ew!
329
00:13:06,486 --> 00:13:08,553
(screaming)
330
00:13:10,856 --> 00:13:14,125
Let us out!
331
00:13:14,127 --> 00:13:15,426
God!
332
00:13:15,428 --> 00:13:16,795
Jesus.
333
00:13:16,797 --> 00:13:20,698
What are you guys
doing in there?
334
00:13:20,700 --> 00:13:22,901
It smells like
balls in here.
335
00:13:24,737 --> 00:13:26,638
No, no!
My insulin!
336
00:13:27,506 --> 00:13:28,673
(ilana)
if lincoln and I are a couple,
337
00:13:28,675 --> 00:13:32,477
It's like, why did my ancestors
even come here?
338
00:13:32,479 --> 00:13:33,311
(abbi)
I don't know.
339
00:13:33,313 --> 00:13:35,313
Why don't you just
have sex with lincoln?
340
00:13:35,315 --> 00:13:37,782
And then you're back
to being friends, right?
341
00:13:37,784 --> 00:13:40,585
You got beauty,
you got brains,
342
00:13:40,587 --> 00:13:41,686
You're a (bleep)
genius.
343
00:13:41,688 --> 00:13:42,654
Do you want a kiss?
344
00:13:42,656 --> 00:13:44,556
That's okay.
Are you sure?
345
00:13:44,558 --> 00:13:45,790
Abbi! Ilana!
346
00:13:45,792 --> 00:13:48,293
Oh...
Saved by the bell.
347
00:13:48,295 --> 00:13:50,295
The boys with
the penises!
348
00:13:50,297 --> 00:13:51,496
Where have you been?
349
00:13:51,498 --> 00:13:52,831
Oh, it's coming.
350
00:13:52,833 --> 00:13:55,266
(lincoln)
we were looking
everywhere for you.
351
00:13:55,268 --> 00:13:57,902
Except, we forgot to
look for you.
352
00:13:57,904 --> 00:14:00,271
Hey, do either of you two
have like, a knife?
353
00:14:00,273 --> 00:14:03,274
Because me and lincoln
want to become blood brothers.
354
00:14:03,276 --> 00:14:04,175
Blood brothers.
355
00:14:04,177 --> 00:14:05,543
(abbi)
I have an idea.
356
00:14:05,545 --> 00:14:09,347
♪ we should drink more,
ooh, whoa... ♪
357
00:14:09,349 --> 00:14:11,115
♪ oh, oh, whoa-oh ♪♪
358
00:14:11,117 --> 00:14:14,552
Let's go, I'll go
get some drinks.
359
00:14:14,554 --> 00:14:16,321
Not you,
you little bois.
360
00:14:16,323 --> 00:14:18,857
We are gonna do it,
right now.
Yeah?
361
00:14:18,859 --> 00:14:20,425
P to p.
P to p?
362
00:14:20,427 --> 00:14:21,993
Pubes to pubes.
Pubes...
363
00:14:21,995 --> 00:14:22,527
Come on.
364
00:14:22,529 --> 00:14:24,362
That's a weird way
to say that, but...
365
00:14:24,364 --> 00:14:27,498
♪♪
366
00:14:39,011 --> 00:14:42,513
Hey! There are
people (bleep) in here!
367
00:14:42,515 --> 00:14:43,781
Rude!
368
00:14:46,151 --> 00:14:47,986
(man)
oh, yeah. Uh-huh.
369
00:14:47,988 --> 00:14:49,888
Yeah! Oh, yeah!
370
00:14:49,890 --> 00:14:51,789
Oh! Ah, yeah!
371
00:14:53,859 --> 00:14:56,160
Oh, hey,
what's up, man?
372
00:14:56,162 --> 00:14:57,228
I remember you
from earlier.
373
00:14:57,230 --> 00:14:59,063
He's a nice guy.
What's up, man?
374
00:14:59,065 --> 00:15:01,833
Y'all have a good one.
Enjoy.
375
00:15:01,835 --> 00:15:04,068
♪♪
376
00:15:07,239 --> 00:15:08,039
(klaxon sounding)
377
00:15:08,041 --> 00:15:13,912
(on pa)
ladies and gentlemen,we're going down.
378
00:15:13,914 --> 00:15:14,612
I'm kidding!
379
00:15:14,614 --> 00:15:16,114
You all know whatthat sound means--
380
00:15:16,116 --> 00:15:18,283
It's a love emergency!
381
00:15:18,285 --> 00:15:20,285
And we're gonna needmattie bevers to the mic.
382
00:15:20,287 --> 00:15:23,821
Help me bring bevers up here,ladies and gentlemen!
383
00:15:23,823 --> 00:15:24,555
Bevers!
384
00:15:24,557 --> 00:15:27,358
(chanting)
bevers! Bevers!
385
00:15:27,360 --> 00:15:29,093
(whispering)
abbi, I don't think
I can do this.
386
00:15:29,095 --> 00:15:30,762
Yes, you can,
you can marry melody
387
00:15:30,764 --> 00:15:32,897
And you can build a life
that is-- that is
388
00:15:32,899 --> 00:15:35,266
Completely outside
of my apartment.
389
00:15:35,268 --> 00:15:37,268
No!
Tell her what you told me...
390
00:15:37,270 --> 00:15:38,870
All night long.
391
00:15:38,872 --> 00:15:43,241
(dj)
there he is!There's the man of the hour!
392
00:15:43,243 --> 00:15:45,543
Do it,
you can do this.
393
00:15:45,545 --> 00:15:48,379
(cheering and clapping)
394
00:15:48,381 --> 00:15:51,716
Hi, uh, tonight
395
00:15:51,718 --> 00:15:53,418
Is a veryspecial night,
396
00:15:53,420 --> 00:15:57,488
Because ofa very special lady,
397
00:15:57,490 --> 00:16:00,224
Melody, are you here?
398
00:16:00,226 --> 00:16:02,160
Whoo!
Okay, great.
399
00:16:02,162 --> 00:16:06,164
Uh, melody, tonight,we're on a boat...
400
00:16:06,166 --> 00:16:07,098
(man)
whoo!
401
00:16:07,100 --> 00:16:10,435
On the water,nice facilities,
402
00:16:10,437 --> 00:16:14,405
Great crew,beautiful skyline.
403
00:16:16,542 --> 00:16:21,779
Uh, yeah, so abbi...
404
00:16:21,781 --> 00:16:23,915
Is my best man.
405
00:16:23,917 --> 00:16:27,318
Abbi's the man,abbi's the man.
406
00:16:27,320 --> 00:16:28,319
She's the man.
407
00:16:28,321 --> 00:16:31,389
(whooping and clapping)
408
00:16:31,391 --> 00:16:34,058
Abbi...
409
00:16:34,060 --> 00:16:36,227
Abbi's transitioninginto becoming a man,
410
00:16:36,229 --> 00:16:38,730
And I'm just so proud of her.
What?
411
00:16:38,732 --> 00:16:41,132
(whispering)
you talk now, your turn.
412
00:16:41,134 --> 00:16:41,966
(whooping and clapping)
413
00:16:41,968 --> 00:16:43,935
(dj)
come on out hereand talk to us.
414
00:16:43,937 --> 00:16:46,871
Come on, give it upfor andy!
415
00:16:50,209 --> 00:16:52,844
Thank you, um...
416
00:16:52,846 --> 00:16:54,278
Uh...
417
00:16:56,715 --> 00:17:00,418
Okay, yeah...
418
00:17:00,420 --> 00:17:03,154
It's true.
419
00:17:03,156 --> 00:17:05,390
It's true.
420
00:17:05,392 --> 00:17:08,726
Uh, I'm becoming a man!
421
00:17:08,728 --> 00:17:12,663
I am becoming...
422
00:17:12,665 --> 00:17:14,599
A man!
423
00:17:16,769 --> 00:17:19,237
Abbi, I need you
to go talk to melody.
424
00:17:19,239 --> 00:17:23,141
She's in the bathroom again,
but she's not doodying.
425
00:17:23,143 --> 00:17:25,209
She thought I was
gonna propose,
426
00:17:25,211 --> 00:17:28,880
And she says I embarrassed her
in front of her whole firm.
427
00:17:28,882 --> 00:17:30,648
Why didn't you
propose?
428
00:17:30,650 --> 00:17:31,516
Because of you.
429
00:17:31,518 --> 00:17:32,550
You and ilana
made me realize
430
00:17:32,552 --> 00:17:34,152
That we shouldn't be
getting married yet.
431
00:17:34,154 --> 00:17:34,852
We're too young.
432
00:17:34,854 --> 00:17:36,687
So, you told everyone
I'm transitioning
433
00:17:36,689 --> 00:17:38,222
Into becoming a man.
434
00:17:38,224 --> 00:17:39,624
All the lawyers
are now into me.
435
00:17:39,626 --> 00:17:43,027
Oh, you're way too good
for any of these lawyers.
436
00:17:43,029 --> 00:17:45,196
Thanks.
437
00:17:45,198 --> 00:17:46,297
Please,
will you help me?
438
00:17:46,299 --> 00:17:49,100
I love melody so much,
but she won't talk to me.
439
00:17:49,102 --> 00:17:51,936
Can you just go talk
girl stuff to her?
440
00:17:54,206 --> 00:17:56,074
Fine.
441
00:17:56,076 --> 00:17:56,974
Don't get too sloppy.
442
00:17:56,976 --> 00:18:00,211
I need you to be
on top of your game.
443
00:18:01,713 --> 00:18:03,381
Melody, it's abbi.
444
00:18:03,383 --> 00:18:07,018
I just wanna say first
that I'm not--
445
00:18:07,020 --> 00:18:08,286
I'm not becoming a man.
446
00:18:08,288 --> 00:18:11,556
That was weird
and confusing.
447
00:18:11,558 --> 00:18:13,691
But I-- I know
that you're upset,
448
00:18:13,693 --> 00:18:15,927
Um, and it's none
of my business,
449
00:18:15,929 --> 00:18:17,862
But I know how much
bevers loves you,
450
00:18:17,864 --> 00:18:20,832
And I know that you--
you love him, too,
451
00:18:20,834 --> 00:18:22,600
For some reason,
and as much as I hate
452
00:18:22,602 --> 00:18:24,168
That he's always
in our apartment,
453
00:18:24,170 --> 00:18:28,106
'cause it's a lot--
he's there a lot.
454
00:18:28,108 --> 00:18:29,774
Like, listen, I think
we need to actually schedule
455
00:18:29,776 --> 00:18:32,743
A time to talk about that,
like, just the two of us,
456
00:18:32,745 --> 00:18:35,613
'cause he just eats
all of my stuff.
457
00:18:35,615 --> 00:18:39,517
He's not my cup of tea,
but he really cares about you.
458
00:18:39,519 --> 00:18:42,220
And I just hope
that you know that
459
00:18:42,222 --> 00:18:44,388
Even though he
didn't propose,
460
00:18:44,390 --> 00:18:48,092
That doesn't make what you
guys have any less special.
461
00:18:48,094 --> 00:18:50,595
It doesn't.
462
00:18:50,597 --> 00:18:54,499
I would love for someone
to love me like that.
463
00:18:54,501 --> 00:18:56,234
I love you like that.
464
00:18:56,236 --> 00:18:59,036
Ilana?
What the (bleep).
465
00:18:59,038 --> 00:19:00,872
Don't be mad,
please.
466
00:19:00,874 --> 00:19:02,440
Were you having
sex in there?
467
00:19:02,442 --> 00:19:03,508
We were just
wiping up.
468
00:19:03,510 --> 00:19:05,443
Where the (bleep)
is melody?
469
00:19:08,080 --> 00:19:08,613
Hi.
470
00:19:08,615 --> 00:19:10,548
(ilana)
jaime, I am so sorry.
471
00:19:10,550 --> 00:19:12,583
We almost missed
this moment.
472
00:19:12,585 --> 00:19:15,987
Tonight, you know, I ate
for free, I drank for free.
473
00:19:15,989 --> 00:19:17,155
I made out with a very
straight man
474
00:19:17,157 --> 00:19:19,824
By the fire
extinguisher, too.
475
00:19:19,826 --> 00:19:22,260
This is what america
is really about, I think.
476
00:19:22,262 --> 00:19:26,831
Abbi, thank you so much
for talking to melody for me.
477
00:19:26,833 --> 00:19:28,566
I did not
talk to melody.
478
00:19:28,568 --> 00:19:31,802
I have not seen her
at all tonight.
479
00:19:31,804 --> 00:19:32,570
Oh, really?
480
00:19:32,572 --> 00:19:34,872
Well, somebody must've
sweet-talked her,
481
00:19:34,874 --> 00:19:37,808
'cause we just
boned in a lifeboat.
482
00:19:37,810 --> 00:19:40,278
There was so much jazz.
483
00:19:40,280 --> 00:19:41,379
(shivering)
484
00:19:41,381 --> 00:19:42,613
There she is.
485
00:19:42,615 --> 00:19:44,348
Oh, she's so beautiful.
486
00:19:44,350 --> 00:19:47,718
(orchestra playing
"america the beautiful")
487
00:19:49,955 --> 00:19:50,988
(lincoln)
ow, my dick.
488
00:19:50,990 --> 00:19:52,657
It's too romantic,
I'm sorry.
489
00:19:52,659 --> 00:19:54,492
Ah, we just had sex.
490
00:19:54,494 --> 00:19:55,092
It's still sore.
491
00:19:55,094 --> 00:19:58,262
I'm in my refractory period,
you gotta let me rebuild.
492
00:19:58,264 --> 00:19:59,096
Fine,
I'll be gentler.
493
00:19:59,098 --> 00:20:02,233
(orchestra playing
"america the beautiful")
494
00:20:02,235 --> 00:20:04,669
Ah, romantic again.
Ilana!
495
00:20:05,804 --> 00:20:07,939
(man on pa)
frederick chu.
496
00:20:07,941 --> 00:20:09,040
(applause)
497
00:20:09,042 --> 00:20:10,908
Alia hanoon.
498
00:20:10,910 --> 00:20:12,443
(ilana)
cute. I'm into it.
499
00:20:12,445 --> 00:20:13,878
(abbi)
oh, my god.
500
00:20:13,880 --> 00:20:14,779
That's disgusting.
501
00:20:14,781 --> 00:20:17,415
That's disgusting,
right?
502
00:20:17,417 --> 00:20:18,449
Oh, guy fieri.
503
00:20:18,451 --> 00:20:20,785
I could roll with that,
he's go a good life.
504
00:20:20,787 --> 00:20:25,623
He's always in that
convertible, gettin' food.
505
00:20:25,625 --> 00:20:27,925
Oh, my god, you look
so good with bieber hair.
506
00:20:27,927 --> 00:20:30,661
You should honestly get that
now, I'm not even kidding.
507
00:20:30,663 --> 00:20:31,195
Ew, no.
508
00:20:31,197 --> 00:20:33,231
I really feel like
you fit as these dudes.
509
00:20:33,233 --> 00:20:34,265
I-- I'd (bleep) 'em all.
510
00:20:34,267 --> 00:20:35,099
I really
appreciate that,
511
00:20:35,101 --> 00:20:40,338
But I think it's more important
for me to be a woman right now.
512
00:20:40,340 --> 00:20:41,405
Lincoln, did you
see this?
513
00:20:41,407 --> 00:20:42,840
I'm sorry,
I'm too hung over.
514
00:20:42,842 --> 00:20:46,777
My eyes can't focus
on a fixed point right now.
515
00:20:46,779 --> 00:20:49,080
(man on pa)
jaime castro.
516
00:20:49,082 --> 00:20:51,782
(cheering)
517
00:20:51,784 --> 00:20:53,618
Ow! Ow!
518
00:20:53,819 --> 00:20:58,990
(triumphant fanfare)
519
00:21:02,327 --> 00:21:04,862
(vocalizing)
520
00:21:04,864 --> 00:21:06,597
♪ ow! ♪♪
521
00:21:10,936 --> 00:21:11,969
♪ hoo! ♪
522
00:21:11,971 --> 00:21:14,305
♪ ow! ♪
523
00:21:14,307 --> 00:21:16,941
♪ now ♪
524
00:21:16,943 --> 00:21:19,310
♪ ow! ♪
525
00:21:19,312 --> 00:21:21,812
♪ ow! Hoo! ♪♪
36521
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