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1
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PIGEON COOS
2
00:00:12,400 --> 00:00:13,800
SHE SCREAMS
3
00:00:15,000 --> 00:00:17,839
What is it? What's going on?
The pigeon's back! It's alive!
4
00:00:17,840 --> 00:00:19,280
Where? Up there.
5
00:00:20,280 --> 00:00:21,320
I can't see anything.
6
00:00:23,400 --> 00:00:24,599
Oh, great...
7
00:00:24,600 --> 00:00:26,679
Oh, it must be a ghost.
How many times, Kitty?
8
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Sleep in your own room.
9
00:00:28,040 --> 00:00:29,200
I prefer it here.
10
00:00:30,240 --> 00:00:31,520
Aren't you late for work?
11
00:00:33,640 --> 00:00:35,199
Mike, we're late for work!
12
00:00:35,200 --> 00:00:36,479
HE SNORES
13
00:00:36,480 --> 00:00:38,120
Get out!
14
00:00:58,800 --> 00:01:00,400
Bum.
15
00:01:01,600 --> 00:01:02,839
Right.
16
00:01:02,840 --> 00:01:07,319
Bum, or neck, or leg,
but first choice, bum.
17
00:01:07,320 --> 00:01:09,879
Is it cooked?
Of course, I'm not an animal.
18
00:01:09,880 --> 00:01:11,919
Could've fooled me.
Hey, you want some?!
19
00:01:11,920 --> 00:01:13,720
All right, all right.
20
00:01:15,680 --> 00:01:20,479
So, Robin misses eating bum.
21
00:01:20,480 --> 00:01:23,759
Of... Oh, any bum.
Rump steak, why not?
22
00:01:23,760 --> 00:01:27,119
If I may, Patrick... Well, we
haven't actually finished yet...
23
00:01:27,120 --> 00:01:29,759
Good. Now, I can't be the only one
who is sick of the noise
24
00:01:29,760 --> 00:01:31,999
night after night.
Oh, not this again...
25
00:01:32,000 --> 00:01:34,039
No, I am not talking
about you, Fanny.
26
00:01:34,040 --> 00:01:36,799
I am talking about Alison
and Michael banging.
27
00:01:36,800 --> 00:01:38,359
All evening!
28
00:01:38,360 --> 00:01:41,479
Banging, hammering,
drilling, it's intolerable!
29
00:01:41,480 --> 00:01:43,679
They've been forced
to get jobs in the day.
30
00:01:43,680 --> 00:01:45,639
Now it's time to force
them out in the night.
31
00:01:45,640 --> 00:01:49,480
But then they'd be gone. Exactly.
32
00:01:51,240 --> 00:01:53,800
Bye, guys! Bye, Mikey.
Have one for me.
33
00:02:01,200 --> 00:02:03,200
We've got some more
free gooseberries.
34
00:02:08,360 --> 00:02:10,320
Now we're going to the pub.
35
00:02:11,480 --> 00:02:15,719
They're going to sit in a nice pub
and drink four pints, probably.
36
00:02:15,720 --> 00:02:18,519
Oh, my God. That sounds nice.
37
00:02:18,520 --> 00:02:22,519
And we've got to go home
and strip 26 doors. 27.
38
00:02:22,520 --> 00:02:24,560
And the skirting boards. Ah!
39
00:02:27,200 --> 00:02:30,399
I miss pints. I miss pints.
40
00:02:30,400 --> 00:02:33,879
They're broken, in retreat,
out of their depth!
41
00:02:33,880 --> 00:02:36,639
I believe it's time
for one last push.
42
00:02:36,640 --> 00:02:39,959
Strike while they're weak.
Get them out for ever.
43
00:02:39,960 --> 00:02:42,839
I don't want to! What?
I like them!
44
00:02:42,840 --> 00:02:45,159
I like Alison, and I miss
her when she's not here.
45
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So much. You're too soft.
You like everyone.
46
00:02:47,600 --> 00:02:49,439
Well, I don't like you!
47
00:02:49,440 --> 00:02:52,039
Bossing everyone
around all the long day!
48
00:02:52,040 --> 00:02:54,319
Since they've arrived,
you've become worse and worse
49
00:02:54,320 --> 00:02:56,399
and I've had enough,
to be actually honest!
50
00:02:56,400 --> 00:02:59,399
Amen! Well, I haven't heard anybody
else complain about my leadership.
51
00:02:59,400 --> 00:03:02,399
Leadership? You're not the leader!
Yes, I am!
52
00:03:02,400 --> 00:03:04,599
I'm ranking officer.
Well, we're not soldiers.
53
00:03:04,600 --> 00:03:07,079
Yeah, this isn't the Army...
54
00:03:07,080 --> 00:03:08,160
..Sir.
55
00:03:09,320 --> 00:03:11,639
Oh, I see what this is.
It's a coup, isn't it?
56
00:03:11,640 --> 00:03:15,919
A bloodless coup! What, is it you,
Julian? Taking over?
57
00:03:15,920 --> 00:03:19,759
If one were called upon to govern,
by the will of the people,
58
00:03:19,760 --> 00:03:22,759
one would be honoured.
No-one has to be in charge.
59
00:03:22,760 --> 00:03:26,159
I agree. Pat should be in charge.
No, that wasn't what I said.
60
00:03:26,160 --> 00:03:27,919
No, it's fine.
61
00:03:27,920 --> 00:03:29,799
I'll leave.
62
00:03:29,800 --> 00:03:31,559
But you'll see.
63
00:03:31,560 --> 00:03:35,600
When there's a crisis, you'll need
me, when the chips are down.
64
00:03:37,240 --> 00:03:39,039
Bum chips!
65
00:03:39,040 --> 00:03:41,759
Bum and chips. OK.
66
00:03:41,760 --> 00:03:44,119
Which brings us back to food club.
67
00:03:44,120 --> 00:03:49,279
Now, Julian would like to talk
a bit about fondue. Fondue.
68
00:03:49,280 --> 00:03:52,999
Well, it's Swiss, I think.
Very interesting, very fun.
69
00:03:53,000 --> 00:03:55,039
In fact, sometimes I call it
fundue.
70
00:03:55,040 --> 00:03:56,639
HE SNORTS
71
00:03:56,640 --> 00:03:57,919
They're home!
72
00:03:57,920 --> 00:04:02,519
Essentially, it's melted cheese
with little bits of bread.
73
00:04:02,520 --> 00:04:04,240
Bread and cheese?
74
00:04:07,280 --> 00:04:08,719
Sorry, Humphrey!
75
00:04:08,720 --> 00:04:10,319
No, no, it happens.
76
00:04:10,320 --> 00:04:11,640
Don't worry about it.
77
00:04:12,720 --> 00:04:14,400
Alison! Alison!
78
00:04:17,000 --> 00:04:18,040
Oh.
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00:04:19,360 --> 00:04:21,080
You're not Alison.
80
00:04:23,040 --> 00:04:24,519
DOOR BELL
81
00:04:24,520 --> 00:04:26,959
We concentrate on the windows
this week and then we can start
82
00:04:26,960 --> 00:04:28,640
on the sandblasting.
83
00:04:29,760 --> 00:04:33,520
Who's that? Mike? Mike!
Lager top, please.
84
00:04:35,240 --> 00:04:36,720
Who is that?
85
00:04:38,280 --> 00:04:41,840
Sorry. Can we help you?
No, thank you. You get on.
86
00:04:46,080 --> 00:04:48,559
We're not in at the moment.
Excuse me?
87
00:04:48,560 --> 00:04:53,439
You don't need to ring
the doorbell, we're here. Oh!
88
00:04:53,440 --> 00:04:56,639
I'm such a silly pillock! I thought
you were the groundsman!
89
00:04:56,640 --> 00:04:59,399
Well... We're everything.
We're the everything men.
90
00:04:59,400 --> 00:05:02,760
Yes, it doesn't look like a lot
of gardening's gone on around here.
91
00:05:05,000 --> 00:05:07,839
I'm Fiona, Harrington Hotels.
Alison. Mike.
92
00:05:07,840 --> 00:05:10,079
Now, I'm not going to beat
about the proverbial,
93
00:05:10,080 --> 00:05:12,319
we have been looking
at this property for a long time.
94
00:05:12,320 --> 00:05:14,919
And when we heard that the owner
had finally passed away, sadly,
95
00:05:14,920 --> 00:05:18,359
we had thought
it would hit the market.
96
00:05:18,360 --> 00:05:19,919
But rumour has it that you two
97
00:05:19,920 --> 00:05:22,119
are a couple of budding hoteliers
yourselves.
98
00:05:22,120 --> 00:05:24,679
So you can tell me to
get the hell off of your property,
99
00:05:24,680 --> 00:05:26,519
if you'd like.
100
00:05:26,520 --> 00:05:29,759
But would it interest you to talk
about selling the place?
101
00:05:29,760 --> 00:05:33,799
Oh... Well, I mean, it couldn't hurt
to talk a little bit.
102
00:05:33,800 --> 00:05:36,439
Couldn't hurt at all. What's the
opposite of hurt? Pleasure.
103
00:05:36,440 --> 00:05:39,240
It would pleasure me
to talk about it. Yeah.
104
00:05:44,520 --> 00:05:46,439
No, no. You're missing the point.
105
00:05:46,440 --> 00:05:49,199
It's perfectly absurd to dip
individual pieces of bread
106
00:05:49,200 --> 00:05:51,679
when one can hold a full
slice in one's hand!
107
00:05:51,680 --> 00:05:54,719
It's not about the cheese!
It's about the fun!
108
00:05:54,720 --> 00:05:56,479
Right, so if you drop a piece
of bread,
109
00:05:56,480 --> 00:05:58,279
you have to do a saucy forfeit.
110
00:05:58,280 --> 00:06:00,639
That's when it gets very
interesting.
111
00:06:00,640 --> 00:06:03,599
There's the lucky dip.
That's a good one.
112
00:06:03,600 --> 00:06:06,839
And then there's the Swiss roll,
first you remove your...
113
00:06:06,840 --> 00:06:09,199
Everyone, everyone,
everyone! Come quick!
114
00:06:09,200 --> 00:06:12,680
There's a lady downstairs with red
hair and she wants to buy the house!
115
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TALKING OVER EACH OTHER
116
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(WHISPERING) Shh!
Guys, I don't know.
117
00:06:23,000 --> 00:06:25,000
SHE COUGHS
Sorry.
118
00:06:27,200 --> 00:06:30,159
Gooseberry? No, thank you.
Maybe later.
119
00:06:30,160 --> 00:06:34,119
So when is the work going to start?
It has.
120
00:06:34,120 --> 00:06:35,599
Oh, of course it has.
121
00:06:35,600 --> 00:06:38,919
So when do you expect to open?
Oh, she is a spunky one!
122
00:06:38,920 --> 00:06:40,959
Straight down to business!
123
00:06:40,960 --> 00:06:43,839
Well, we've had a few
setbacks, to be honest. Just a few?
124
00:06:43,840 --> 00:06:45,959
We spent all our loans
on drainage and the roof.
125
00:06:45,960 --> 00:06:48,359
But we've been doing
the renovations ourselves,
126
00:06:48,360 --> 00:06:51,159
so that's free. Apart from
materials. Apart from materials.
127
00:06:51,160 --> 00:06:53,519
Well, you must be exhausted,
you poor little dumplings.
128
00:06:53,520 --> 00:06:56,239
So we thought when we get the first
couple of rooms finished,
129
00:06:56,240 --> 00:06:58,599
then we'll open it like that
while we do the rest. I see.
130
00:06:58,600 --> 00:07:01,679
How many staff? Two.
131
00:07:01,680 --> 00:07:05,480
Oh, like a B&B. At first. Aww.
132
00:07:07,160 --> 00:07:09,599
Well, it sounds like you really
are doing your best.
133
00:07:09,600 --> 00:07:12,239
Of course, Harrington Hotels
has the finance
134
00:07:12,240 --> 00:07:13,879
to use a vast team of contractors,
135
00:07:13,880 --> 00:07:15,959
get the renovations done within the
year.
136
00:07:15,960 --> 00:07:17,479
Within the year?
137
00:07:17,480 --> 00:07:19,879
And of course, as you know,
there's the start-up costs,
138
00:07:19,880 --> 00:07:22,199
the services, the marketing,
the big opening event,
139
00:07:22,200 --> 00:07:23,719
blah, blah, blah.
140
00:07:23,720 --> 00:07:26,559
We can afford the short-term loss
for the long term gain.
141
00:07:26,560 --> 00:07:27,959
Of course. Yeah.
142
00:07:27,960 --> 00:07:30,440
And we'd be willing to make
you a generous offer.
143
00:07:32,800 --> 00:07:34,719
Now, this ought to be a large sum.
144
00:07:34,720 --> 00:07:38,240
This house is worth at least
£1,000.
145
00:07:41,520 --> 00:07:43,119
Heavens above!
146
00:07:43,120 --> 00:07:46,000
Oh, the big boys are in town!
Shillings!
147
00:07:47,760 --> 00:07:51,119
Is that the sort of amount
you were thinking of?
148
00:07:51,120 --> 00:07:52,319
Yes, please.
149
00:07:52,320 --> 00:07:54,959
It does look like a lot
when it's written down.
150
00:07:54,960 --> 00:07:56,519
Subject to survey, of course.
151
00:07:56,520 --> 00:07:59,399
Shall we take
a look around the rest of the house?
152
00:07:59,400 --> 00:08:01,239
Yeah, please, yeah, follow us.
153
00:08:01,240 --> 00:08:03,959
My God! Does this mean they're
leaving? Yep.
154
00:08:03,960 --> 00:08:05,359
Taking the money and running.
155
00:08:05,360 --> 00:08:08,599
And worse, you heard the lady,
this place will be a hotel
156
00:08:08,600 --> 00:08:10,279
before you can say...
157
00:08:10,280 --> 00:08:12,599
Hotel. Hotel. Oh, no, I said it!
158
00:08:12,600 --> 00:08:15,039
Common room. Now!
159
00:08:15,040 --> 00:08:17,719
If everyone can make it,
and wants to.
160
00:08:17,720 --> 00:08:20,800
NOISES OF AGREEMENT
161
00:08:24,320 --> 00:08:26,039
Excuse me!
162
00:08:26,040 --> 00:08:27,879
Yeah... no.
163
00:08:27,880 --> 00:08:30,679
I don't suppose you could move me
away from his large hole?
164
00:08:30,680 --> 00:08:32,719
Who's that lady with
Michael and Alison?
165
00:08:32,720 --> 00:08:34,719
Didn't the others tell you? No.
166
00:08:34,720 --> 00:08:37,319
We are having a little break
from each other, actually.
167
00:08:37,320 --> 00:08:40,479
Oh, yeah? Got sick of you being a
bit of a prat, did they?
168
00:08:40,480 --> 00:08:43,839
No. Absolutely not! It was the other
way around, if anything.
169
00:08:43,840 --> 00:08:44,959
Now, come on. Who is she?
170
00:08:44,960 --> 00:08:47,599
Well, apparently,
she's buying the house.
171
00:08:47,600 --> 00:08:50,519
So are you going to move
me away from the...
172
00:08:50,520 --> 00:08:52,320
You're not there any more, are you?
173
00:08:53,920 --> 00:08:55,400
Yeah, he's gone.
174
00:09:06,880 --> 00:09:09,079
Guys, guys! Listen up!
175
00:09:09,080 --> 00:09:11,839
We need to think of a plan!
176
00:09:11,840 --> 00:09:14,000
Oh, he sounds like the captain!
177
00:09:17,200 --> 00:09:19,159
No, Captain would be
more like,
178
00:09:19,160 --> 00:09:20,680
"Fall in! Take charge!"
179
00:09:21,840 --> 00:09:23,639
Right, pipe down, everyone!
180
00:09:23,640 --> 00:09:25,520
Quite enough of me being
a smelly old walrus!
181
00:09:29,280 --> 00:09:32,079
I'm going to boss everybody
about and never think
182
00:09:32,080 --> 00:09:33,720
of anything myself!
183
00:09:37,920 --> 00:09:39,119
OK, guys, OK.
184
00:09:39,120 --> 00:09:41,239
Let's get to it.
185
00:09:41,240 --> 00:09:43,199
If that's all right with everyone?
186
00:09:43,200 --> 00:09:47,200
We just need to give them clear,
calm reasons not to sell.
187
00:09:52,200 --> 00:09:54,359
CHATTERING LOUDLY
188
00:09:54,360 --> 00:09:56,359
She's a witch, and I should know!
189
00:09:56,360 --> 00:09:59,159
Well, it's a big decision
and you need time to think about it.
190
00:09:59,160 --> 00:10:01,559
So, any questions,
just give me a tinkle.
191
00:10:01,560 --> 00:10:06,160
I mean, I think, yes. No!
Yes! Done.
192
00:10:08,640 --> 00:10:11,999
Great! So, I'll set the wheels in
motion, get surveyors booked in,
193
00:10:12,000 --> 00:10:14,479
and we'll take it
from there. OK?
194
00:10:14,480 --> 00:10:15,839
PHONE RINGS
195
00:10:15,840 --> 00:10:17,519
Sorry, I'm going to have to
get this.
196
00:10:17,520 --> 00:10:19,560
Speak soon. Don't forget
your gooseberries.
197
00:10:21,120 --> 00:10:23,240
Oh. Thank you.
198
00:10:26,280 --> 00:10:28,879
It's in the bag. They haven't got a
clue what they're doing.
199
00:10:28,880 --> 00:10:30,399
They practically ripped my arm off.
200
00:10:30,400 --> 00:10:32,480
Yeah, yeah, we can get
this for a steal.
201
00:10:38,040 --> 00:10:39,799
GHOSTS CHATTER
202
00:10:39,800 --> 00:10:41,519
Enough, enough, enough, OK?!
203
00:10:41,520 --> 00:10:44,959
We tried, we really did, but we
can't afford to do this any more.
204
00:10:44,960 --> 00:10:50,800
You need money? Mm-hm.
Right. Powwow, upstairs, now-wow.
205
00:10:53,240 --> 00:10:56,560
I will find you means
if it's the last thing I do.
206
00:10:57,760 --> 00:11:02,679
OK, they're gone. So they want us to
stay now? Yeah.
207
00:11:02,680 --> 00:11:05,039
No, I know, I don't
understand them either.
208
00:11:05,040 --> 00:11:07,079
But they're not going
to be our problem soon.
209
00:11:07,080 --> 00:11:09,079
We can find an un-haunted house to
live in.
210
00:11:09,080 --> 00:11:10,799
Let's not get ahead
of ourselves there.
211
00:11:10,800 --> 00:11:12,799
Yeah, no, we should wait until it's
official
212
00:11:12,800 --> 00:11:15,519
before we start looking at houses.
213
00:11:15,520 --> 00:11:19,439
Sorry I'm late. Oh, I remember
you guys. Yeah.
214
00:11:19,440 --> 00:11:22,799
Wow, your budget's changed.
Well, my great auntie died.
215
00:11:22,800 --> 00:11:26,599
I'm really sorry to hear that.
No, it's fine. I never met her.
216
00:11:26,600 --> 00:11:28,519
Right.
217
00:11:28,520 --> 00:11:30,759
I mean, the front terrace
really sells this place.
218
00:11:30,760 --> 00:11:31,799
So impressive.
219
00:11:31,800 --> 00:11:34,679
It was renovated by an architect
who lived here first, I believe,
220
00:11:34,680 --> 00:11:36,800
in the '60s. Let's take
a look inside, shall we?
221
00:11:39,000 --> 00:11:40,439
No.
222
00:11:40,440 --> 00:11:41,960
Sorry? No.
223
00:11:46,080 --> 00:11:48,280
I'm just not really
feeling this one.
224
00:11:49,360 --> 00:11:52,359
Sure you don't want to
see inside? No.
225
00:11:52,360 --> 00:11:54,880
She's very instinctive.
Goes with her gut.
226
00:12:06,280 --> 00:12:11,239
I know, put the house on wheels,
or a cart, move it to pastures new.
227
00:12:11,240 --> 00:12:14,559
Then the hair lady can build
the hotel in its place,
228
00:12:14,560 --> 00:12:18,039
and ours the house forever will be.
229
00:12:18,040 --> 00:12:23,119
OK. Well, it's not OK, is it?
You can't put a house on wheels.
230
00:12:23,120 --> 00:12:25,119
No, it all comes
down to money, right?
231
00:12:25,120 --> 00:12:27,639
So if they can find
their own investors...
232
00:12:27,640 --> 00:12:29,480
Me no want hotel.
233
00:12:31,080 --> 00:12:33,159
With respect, Robin, hear me out.
234
00:12:33,160 --> 00:12:35,999
It doesn't have to be a hotel
if there are investors.
235
00:12:36,000 --> 00:12:37,559
It's very clever, you see.
236
00:12:37,560 --> 00:12:40,759
You tell them they've invested
in offshore high-yields, all right?
237
00:12:40,760 --> 00:12:44,239
And then the profits they receive
are just funds from other investors
238
00:12:44,240 --> 00:12:47,119
and so on and so forth. Sounds a bit
like fraud, mate.
239
00:12:47,120 --> 00:12:48,159
Yes, sure, Pat.
240
00:12:48,160 --> 00:12:52,479
But sometimes you have to bend
the rules in order to make them...
241
00:12:52,480 --> 00:12:55,239
make you some money, so...
242
00:12:55,240 --> 00:12:58,639
We sell cakes! We can't make cakes.
Buns, then!
243
00:12:58,640 --> 00:13:00,759
That's not the issue, Kitty.
244
00:13:00,760 --> 00:13:02,439
I have it!
245
00:13:02,440 --> 00:13:06,359
I shall ghost-write a novel,
in Alison's name!
246
00:13:06,360 --> 00:13:09,399
A modern bestseller,
the most erotic fiction of the year.
247
00:13:09,400 --> 00:13:14,039
Oh, no. Michelle was
driving a car...
248
00:13:14,040 --> 00:13:15,719
Oh, good Lord...
249
00:13:15,720 --> 00:13:19,519
Nathaniel was sitting handsomely
in the adjoining seat,
250
00:13:19,520 --> 00:13:22,399
he leans over and kisses her nape.
251
00:13:22,400 --> 00:13:24,599
"Be careful," she warns
breathlessly,
252
00:13:24,600 --> 00:13:26,119
"I'm trying to drive a car!"
253
00:13:26,120 --> 00:13:28,999
Yes. Someone take this down!
Quick, quick, quick!
254
00:13:29,000 --> 00:13:30,719
Michelle drive car.
255
00:13:30,720 --> 00:13:33,719
Nathaniel look nice in next chair...
256
00:13:33,720 --> 00:13:35,800
..and then they do it.
257
00:13:38,000 --> 00:13:39,519
I'd buy that.
258
00:13:39,520 --> 00:13:41,559
Where was I? Nathaniel
caresses her...
259
00:13:41,560 --> 00:13:44,959
OK, so, here we are.
The penthouse.
260
00:13:44,960 --> 00:13:48,119
Nice to be up high.
Away from it all.
261
00:13:48,120 --> 00:13:50,879
Indeed. OK, then.
262
00:13:50,880 --> 00:13:53,199
First thing I'm going to show you,
because let's face it,
263
00:13:53,200 --> 00:13:55,640
that's why we're up here. The view.
264
00:13:57,880 --> 00:14:00,079
You've got to be joking.
265
00:14:00,080 --> 00:14:01,600
I know, stunning, isn't it?
266
00:14:03,000 --> 00:14:05,279
And a balcony there,
if you're into gardening.
267
00:14:05,280 --> 00:14:07,759
And even if you don't,
you could barbecue there.
268
00:14:07,760 --> 00:14:10,399
And it's south facing, so, you know,
when the sun's out you can...
269
00:14:10,400 --> 00:14:11,800
GHOSTS: Hello! Hello.
270
00:14:13,960 --> 00:14:15,120
Hello!
271
00:14:17,440 --> 00:14:20,760
I just remembered,
I don't like heights.
272
00:14:22,120 --> 00:14:24,480
It's not for me, thanks.
273
00:14:27,880 --> 00:14:30,400
Nein, nein!
274
00:14:33,520 --> 00:14:36,560
Harbingers of doom.
We are running out of time.
275
00:14:37,840 --> 00:14:41,120
We'll think of something.
We have to.
276
00:14:43,920 --> 00:14:46,759
Now, then, you might not like it,
but we must have order,
277
00:14:46,760 --> 00:14:50,799
direction, leadership.
Yes, what is it?
278
00:14:50,800 --> 00:14:55,000
Nigel, um, why are you here?
Good question.
279
00:14:57,040 --> 00:14:58,639
I'm here to help.
280
00:14:58,640 --> 00:15:00,719
You clearly need leadership.
281
00:15:00,720 --> 00:15:03,239
Ramshackle bunch, moping about down
here all day,
282
00:15:03,240 --> 00:15:05,599
feeling sorry for yourselves.
283
00:15:05,600 --> 00:15:08,199
Now, look, I can lead you upstairs,
get you new quarters.
284
00:15:08,200 --> 00:15:10,119
There is no reason why
we shouldn't be enjoying
285
00:15:10,120 --> 00:15:13,159
the whole house together.
We'll show them.
286
00:15:13,160 --> 00:15:16,519
I don't think we'll be
doing that. No.
287
00:15:16,520 --> 00:15:19,119
What is it? Are you stuck down
here or something?
288
00:15:19,120 --> 00:15:21,079
No, we just don't really
like going up there.
289
00:15:21,080 --> 00:15:23,159
Not bothered. The smell...
290
00:15:23,160 --> 00:15:26,040
Do you not get tired of one another?
Well, we do.
291
00:15:27,480 --> 00:15:30,399
I mean, sure, we do fall
out from time to time,
292
00:15:30,400 --> 00:15:33,599
but it's never lasted
longer than 20-25 years.
293
00:15:33,600 --> 00:15:35,039
Exactly.
294
00:15:35,040 --> 00:15:37,839
The thing is, Captain,
this is our home.
295
00:15:37,840 --> 00:15:40,199
You know, we were thrown
in here together, and I suppose
296
00:15:40,200 --> 00:15:43,319
we belong together
at the end of the day.
297
00:15:43,320 --> 00:15:47,639
Yeah, it might be a plague pit,
but it's our plague pit, isn't it?
298
00:15:47,640 --> 00:15:49,760
I see. Yes.
299
00:15:51,280 --> 00:15:52,320
Oh!
300
00:15:56,000 --> 00:15:57,759
And we've seen some amazing places.
301
00:15:57,760 --> 00:15:59,799
Not a bull's-eye yet,
but we'll get there.
302
00:15:59,800 --> 00:16:02,799
Yeah. Now, your business plan
indicated 18 guest rooms, didn't it?
303
00:16:02,800 --> 00:16:05,279
Mmm. Oh, yeah, the business
plan, yeah.
304
00:16:05,280 --> 00:16:06,919
Ah, well, I'm immediately realising
305
00:16:06,920 --> 00:16:09,959
we can't accommodate that many
rooms. I'm such a silly duck.
306
00:16:09,960 --> 00:16:12,359
A lot of space needed
for facilities, spa,
307
00:16:12,360 --> 00:16:16,199
swimming pool, etc,
so I think my valuation
308
00:16:16,200 --> 00:16:18,639
might have been a teensy
bit premature.
309
00:16:18,640 --> 00:16:19,999
My fault entirely. Right.
310
00:16:20,000 --> 00:16:22,359
We'll see what it comes to once
we get a clear picture
311
00:16:22,360 --> 00:16:25,479
from these chaps, shall we? Great.
Sorry, does that mean...
312
00:16:25,480 --> 00:16:26,519
PHONE RINGS
313
00:16:26,520 --> 00:16:29,679
Ciao. Oh, hello,
Gerald. Yeah.
314
00:16:29,680 --> 00:16:30,800
Yes. She's wily one.
315
00:16:32,040 --> 00:16:34,159
Great.
316
00:16:34,160 --> 00:16:37,679
So it's a way of listening
to music on the go.
317
00:16:37,680 --> 00:16:40,839
Only instead of just one album,
the multi-deck,
318
00:16:40,840 --> 00:16:45,319
housed in the knapsack, can play
a selection from four albums.
319
00:16:45,320 --> 00:16:48,639
It's almost 50 songs.
I mean, imagine that.
320
00:16:48,640 --> 00:16:51,160
It already exists. As if!
321
00:16:52,600 --> 00:16:54,079
Does it?
322
00:16:54,080 --> 00:16:57,959
ICOEIC. Why have we abandoned my
novel? ICOEIC.
323
00:16:57,960 --> 00:17:00,199
What are you saying,
you smelly ape? ICOEIC.
324
00:17:00,200 --> 00:17:03,439
International Centre
Of Excellence In Chess.
325
00:17:03,440 --> 00:17:05,759
A lot of money in chess.
Lot of money.
326
00:17:05,760 --> 00:17:09,440
Yeah. It may take some time, Robin.
We need dough now.
327
00:17:11,200 --> 00:17:13,599
Oh, let's find some buried treasure.
328
00:17:13,600 --> 00:17:16,559
First, we need to know
where to look.
329
00:17:16,560 --> 00:17:18,800
Oh, let's find a treasure map!
330
00:17:20,040 --> 00:17:21,080
Of course.
331
00:17:22,240 --> 00:17:24,200
I know just the thing.
332
00:17:30,800 --> 00:17:35,560
Hmm. She's got a thing
about storage.
333
00:17:38,120 --> 00:17:40,999
And there's no other
nooks and crannies?
334
00:17:41,000 --> 00:17:43,959
Hiding places? No, this is it.
335
00:17:43,960 --> 00:17:45,519
I've got places with more character,
336
00:17:45,520 --> 00:17:47,599
but you said you only wanted
new build.
337
00:17:47,600 --> 00:17:49,080
Can we have a moment? Sure.
338
00:17:51,720 --> 00:17:54,039
Nothing? All clear.
339
00:17:54,040 --> 00:17:56,240
Not a ghost in sight.
340
00:17:57,440 --> 00:18:01,240
It's a really nice house.
Yeah. Nice garden. Yeah.
341
00:18:02,280 --> 00:18:04,879
It's the sort we wanted
in the first place, wasn't it?
342
00:18:04,880 --> 00:18:07,400
Mmm. Nice, normal house.
343
00:18:11,800 --> 00:18:14,880
It's quiet, isn't it? Mmm.
344
00:18:26,080 --> 00:18:29,039
GHOSTS CHATTER
They're all waiting for me.
345
00:18:29,040 --> 00:18:32,000
Well, you won't have to put
up with it for much longer.
346
00:18:34,600 --> 00:18:36,639
All right, all right, all right.
347
00:18:36,640 --> 00:18:39,959
Are they with you? Yeah. Right.
348
00:18:39,960 --> 00:18:41,440
Well, I'm going to have a bath.
349
00:18:49,120 --> 00:18:53,599
Now, if I remember rightly,
it is behind that chest,
350
00:18:53,600 --> 00:18:55,120
under the last board.
351
00:19:06,760 --> 00:19:09,079
What, you want me to lift
up the floorboard?
352
00:19:09,080 --> 00:19:12,720
Before you do, I would
like to say something.
353
00:19:15,760 --> 00:19:17,639
OK.
354
00:19:17,640 --> 00:19:22,679
When you first came here,
I thought you were a prostitute.
355
00:19:22,680 --> 00:19:24,319
I did. I can admit that now,
356
00:19:24,320 --> 00:19:27,759
and whilst I still find it utterly
impossible
357
00:19:27,760 --> 00:19:30,440
to believe I'm related to such a...
358
00:19:31,760 --> 00:19:34,599
The fact is, you are a Button.
359
00:19:34,600 --> 00:19:37,119
Of sorts. Half a Button.
360
00:19:37,120 --> 00:19:42,920
And this house, our beautiful
house, should belong to a Button.
361
00:19:44,280 --> 00:19:45,880
Should be cared for by a Button.
362
00:19:47,400 --> 00:19:51,999
Underneath that board,
is a box, and in that box,
363
00:19:52,000 --> 00:19:56,319
is a jewel, an Arabic jewel
given to my husband
364
00:19:56,320 --> 00:19:59,239
by Queen Empress Alexandra herself.
365
00:19:59,240 --> 00:20:02,080
I am quite sure it is priceless.
366
00:20:17,880 --> 00:20:23,239
If that jewel can keep this house
a home, a family home,
367
00:20:23,240 --> 00:20:25,120
then it is yours.
368
00:20:27,000 --> 00:20:28,799
Thank you.
369
00:20:28,800 --> 00:20:30,359
That's...
370
00:20:30,360 --> 00:20:32,239
I don't know what to say.
371
00:20:32,240 --> 00:20:34,039
Well, I mean,
it is yours now anyway.
372
00:20:34,040 --> 00:20:35,479
I can't physically stop you.
373
00:20:35,480 --> 00:20:36,800
Open it!
374
00:20:47,360 --> 00:20:50,439
"Sorry, darling. Pawned it."
375
00:20:50,440 --> 00:20:54,679
YOU THIEVING GIT!
376
00:20:54,680 --> 00:20:58,159
Look, guys. No offence,
but it wasn't just about the money.
377
00:20:58,160 --> 00:21:00,919
This isn't how normal people live.
We can change.
378
00:21:00,920 --> 00:21:02,439
Please, just stay.
379
00:21:02,440 --> 00:21:04,839
I promise I won't come
into your bedroom every morning.
380
00:21:04,840 --> 00:21:06,319
We'll be on our best behaviour.
381
00:21:06,320 --> 00:21:08,879
And I will try to stop
judging your awful manners,
382
00:21:08,880 --> 00:21:12,159
terrible posture, and... I shall
cease my wooing, should you like.
383
00:21:12,160 --> 00:21:13,519
I still make you jump.
384
00:21:13,520 --> 00:21:17,759
I shall peek no more
on your husband at privy.
385
00:21:17,760 --> 00:21:20,279
And I'll... Actually, I don't do
anything wrong, do I?
386
00:21:20,280 --> 00:21:21,519
Guys, please.
387
00:21:21,520 --> 00:21:24,679
This is sweet of you,
but I'm sorry.
388
00:21:24,680 --> 00:21:26,999
This place felt like a dream.
389
00:21:27,000 --> 00:21:30,440
It really did, but it's turned
into a nightmare.
390
00:21:31,440 --> 00:21:33,359
And now we have a chance
to get out.
391
00:21:33,360 --> 00:21:36,920
Can you honestly say you wouldn't
leave if you could?
392
00:21:40,480 --> 00:21:42,320
KITTY SOBS
393
00:21:51,560 --> 00:21:53,920
SHE CONTINUES SOBBING
394
00:21:57,520 --> 00:22:01,959
Ah, Catherine. There you are.
You've come to gloat, have you?
395
00:22:01,960 --> 00:22:04,999
Well, you've won. She's leaving.
No, no.
396
00:22:05,000 --> 00:22:07,679
I have some information
for you, Catherine.
397
00:22:07,680 --> 00:22:11,439
For your ears only. Why me?
What about the others?
398
00:22:11,440 --> 00:22:16,439
Ah, they don't want to listen
to this old walrus. You heard?
399
00:22:16,440 --> 00:22:20,400
Yes, I'm afraid so. Even about your
ear hair. What?
400
00:22:21,400 --> 00:22:23,880
No, not that bit. No. Oh.
401
00:22:29,360 --> 00:22:33,359
You love Alison, don't you?
You want her to stay? Yes.
402
00:22:33,360 --> 00:22:36,200
And you want her to be
happy, of course. Of course.
403
00:22:38,000 --> 00:22:41,759
I happen to know that woman
is trying to swindle them,
404
00:22:41,760 --> 00:22:44,439
by a considerable
amount, if I'm right.
405
00:22:44,440 --> 00:22:47,519
Now, there is something you can do.
406
00:22:47,520 --> 00:22:52,719
She'd listen to you. Her friend.
Should you choose to help her.
407
00:22:52,720 --> 00:22:56,359
The question is, what do
you care about more?
408
00:22:56,360 --> 00:22:59,720
Keeping Alison here,
or letting her be happy?
409
00:23:03,680 --> 00:23:05,119
Sorry, I've got to stand.
410
00:23:05,120 --> 00:23:06,760
HIS KNEES CRACK
Ah!
411
00:23:07,920 --> 00:23:10,919
The basement? There's plenty of room
down there for swimming baths.
412
00:23:10,920 --> 00:23:13,999
Well, I'm sure she'd have thought
of that, wouldn't she? Exactly.
413
00:23:14,000 --> 00:23:17,200
Unless she didn't tell you on
purpose, so she could pay you less.
414
00:23:19,040 --> 00:23:22,839
That crafty...! Thank you, Kitty!
415
00:23:22,840 --> 00:23:24,839
I'd hug you if I could.
I'd love that.
416
00:23:24,840 --> 00:23:26,559
I'm going to miss you, in a way.
417
00:23:26,560 --> 00:23:29,239
Maybe I can come back and stay
in the hotel sometimes. Oh, yes.
418
00:23:29,240 --> 00:23:30,319
You could stay in my room.
419
00:23:30,320 --> 00:23:34,040
We'll stay up all night talking
about balls and eligible men. Yeah.
420
00:23:35,920 --> 00:23:39,280
Right, I'd better tell them
to check out the basement.
421
00:23:41,240 --> 00:23:46,119
Hi, Fiona? It's Alison.
I've got some tremendous news.
422
00:23:46,120 --> 00:23:48,280
So if you could just call me
back when you get this.
423
00:23:53,920 --> 00:23:57,319
Have they started already?
It looks like it.
424
00:23:57,320 --> 00:23:59,039
If it make it better,
425
00:23:59,040 --> 00:24:02,959
I've seen many house come and go
here.
426
00:24:02,960 --> 00:24:06,519
No, that makes it worse. Oh, yeah.
427
00:24:06,520 --> 00:24:08,320
Is he smiling?
428
00:24:13,240 --> 00:24:17,960
Hey, you! Me. Wait there.
I'm coming.
429
00:24:19,240 --> 00:24:21,079
Oh!
430
00:24:21,080 --> 00:24:23,439
How long did they say they'll take?
431
00:24:23,440 --> 00:24:24,719
Oh, it's not too long.
432
00:24:24,720 --> 00:24:26,959
They just need to dig
some exploratory holes.
433
00:24:26,960 --> 00:24:29,279
It's quite common now to use
the basement to expand.
434
00:24:29,280 --> 00:24:32,199
Oh, so you've done this before?
435
00:24:32,200 --> 00:24:35,759
I think maybe we might have, on one
of our other properties.
436
00:24:35,760 --> 00:24:37,839
It was silly of me not
to have thought of it here.
437
00:24:37,840 --> 00:24:39,839
I really am a first-class booby.
Never mind.
438
00:24:39,840 --> 00:24:42,679
We got there in the end. And we
don't have to lower the price.
439
00:24:42,680 --> 00:24:44,640
Left a bit, right a bit.
440
00:24:48,200 --> 00:24:50,239
Sorry to interrupt.
All done, love?
441
00:24:50,240 --> 00:24:52,799
Not strictly speaking, no.
442
00:24:52,800 --> 00:24:56,119
There's something, um,
perhaps you should come and take
443
00:24:56,120 --> 00:24:57,560
a look for yourselves.
444
00:25:13,480 --> 00:25:15,279
Oh, it's dusty. Oh, dear.
445
00:25:15,280 --> 00:25:17,960
LIGHTS FIZZLE
Oh, it's gone all dark.
446
00:25:23,640 --> 00:25:26,919
Um... Right, so, um....
447
00:25:26,920 --> 00:25:29,999
Spit it out. Then we can get back
up into the light.
448
00:25:30,000 --> 00:25:33,759
We took up a couple of stone slabs
and started digging,
449
00:25:33,760 --> 00:25:38,999
and we had to stop,
because we found something.
450
00:25:39,000 --> 00:25:41,360
What did you find? There's a grave.
451
00:25:43,000 --> 00:25:46,960
Oh, God. Where?
We're standing on it.
452
00:25:50,320 --> 00:25:53,000
SHE SCREAMS
453
00:25:56,200 --> 00:25:58,559
Fiona, give me your hand.
454
00:25:58,560 --> 00:26:02,599
Oh, gosh! Nick, it's you.
How do you know?
455
00:26:02,600 --> 00:26:05,040
SCREAMING CONTINUES
Get me out!
456
00:26:10,040 --> 00:26:12,479
Fiona, please, this wasn't us.
It's a plague pit.
457
00:26:12,480 --> 00:26:15,159
We didn't kill anyone. Well, we've
had to alert the authorities.
458
00:26:15,160 --> 00:26:17,159
You can just dig up
the bones, can't you?
459
00:26:17,160 --> 00:26:19,119
Yeah, this doesn't affect the sale.
460
00:26:19,120 --> 00:26:21,479
They don't let just anyone
exhume human remains.
461
00:26:21,480 --> 00:26:24,439
If this is a plague pit,
it's a site of historical interest.
462
00:26:24,440 --> 00:26:26,039
They'll be at it for ages.
463
00:26:26,040 --> 00:26:29,239
I think we'll find a property
that isn't a mass grave.
464
00:26:29,240 --> 00:26:32,199
Let's get out of here immediately.
Fiona! Fiona, please.
465
00:26:32,200 --> 00:26:33,880
GHOSTS CHATTER EXCITEDLY
466
00:26:36,280 --> 00:26:40,159
Watch it, Humphrey! Bingo!
467
00:26:40,160 --> 00:26:42,839
Ah, hello.
468
00:26:42,840 --> 00:26:44,519
Did you miss me?
469
00:26:44,520 --> 00:26:46,280
Fiona, please, don't...! Please!
470
00:26:53,720 --> 00:26:56,239
Kitty, did you know
this would happen?
471
00:26:56,240 --> 00:27:00,879
I didn't, honestly. The captain
said that the basement would...
472
00:27:00,880 --> 00:27:02,680
GHOSTS: Oh!
473
00:27:03,800 --> 00:27:07,599
It was nothing, really. I'll give
you a full debrief at 1900 hours.
474
00:27:07,600 --> 00:27:11,399
Oh, good. He'll never
hush about this. Hang on.
475
00:27:11,400 --> 00:27:15,999
You made me do something horrible?
Yes. But they're staying.
476
00:27:16,000 --> 00:27:17,519
That's good.
477
00:27:17,520 --> 00:27:20,879
Did they do this?
Yep, yes, yes, they did.
478
00:27:20,880 --> 00:27:24,199
If I could cut you right up,
I could kill you
479
00:27:24,200 --> 00:27:27,559
if I could see you!
If you weren't already dead!
480
00:27:27,560 --> 00:27:28,959
Steady on, mate!
481
00:27:28,960 --> 00:27:32,039
I feel like we're going
to be stuck here for ever.
482
00:27:32,040 --> 00:27:33,839
Join the club!
483
00:27:33,840 --> 00:27:38,039
Can I sleep in your room tonight?
No. Tomorrow?
484
00:27:38,040 --> 00:27:39,759
You're beautiful when you're sad.
485
00:27:39,760 --> 00:27:42,679
Have you brushed your hair today?
It looks like a bird's nest.
486
00:27:42,680 --> 00:27:44,319
Please, guys, you said you'd change.
487
00:27:44,320 --> 00:27:46,319
Boo!
488
00:27:46,320 --> 00:27:48,759
Oh! Guys, I'm back, and I
feel amazing.
489
00:27:48,760 --> 00:27:51,200
Oh, wow! So, did I miss anything,
or was...
490
00:27:54,360 --> 00:27:57,679
Oh, come off it. Left a bit.
491
00:27:57,680 --> 00:28:00,360
Left a bit. Left a bit!
63389
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