All language subtitles for Animal.Practice.S01E09.Turkey.Jerky.WEB-DL.x264-PJA.en

Something's wrong with him.

I don't know the P.C. term,

but I think he's slow.

Yes, of course he's slow, mother.

- He's a turtle.
- No, I mean intellectually.

And he doesn't do any tricks.

Sometimes, I put him on his back
and spin him,

but, really,
that's more my trick than his.

I thought your only trick
was making vodka disappear.

And of course, he's almost
never out of that shell.

I don't know what he's doing in there,

but I can assure you it's filthy

like you and those long showers, George.

Uh, uh--

So I'll see you tomorrow?

What? No.
No, turtle's fine.

It's, uh, it's, uh--
I'll see you in a month.

Very funny.
Tomorrow is Thanksgiving.

You promised you'd come to dinner.

No, I don't remember saying that.

Fine, I'll come to Thanksgiving,

how did you get in my apartment?

You record our conversations?

A little trick I learned from
your father during the divorce.

You record our conversations?

See you tomorrow.

Bring a pie.

Guess what?

If I'm going, you're going too.

Corrections by honeybunny
Sync www.addic7ed.com

1x09
Turkey Jerky

Dorothy!
Hey, hey. Hi, listen.

I was wondering if I could
maybe have tomorrow off.

Ahh, Doug, sorry. I do not see your name

on my color-coded holiday
"request off" sheet

that keeps the hospital
running smoothly.

Oh, my God. That's why I
don't have any friends.

I'll cover Doug's shift tomorrow.

Since my wife left me, I have
nothing to do for Thanksgiving.

Yes!
Yams, you're the best.

Thank you.
Okay.

'Cause all I do is sit around

and think of the pathetic
and empty web of despair

my life has become.

Hey, hey, man.

That's--
Don't talk like that.

- It's her loss, right?
- No, it's my loss.

I lost the house.
I lost the car.

I lost our lost DVDs.

- You still have that lab coat.
- Yeah.

And, uh, and you got us...

- Absolutely.
- So we're here for you forever.

- Till the end.
- Miss Crane?

- Your mom's on line two.
- Gotta take that. Hang in there.

I gotta go
and have surgery--do surgery.

I gotta go to work.

Listen, I'm working tomorrow too.

I mean, it's pretty slow here
on Thanksgiving.

We'll have a blast!

I got three words for you:

"Dog," "tranquilizer,"
"Martinis."

Well, I have 16 words for you:

I'd rather just sit in my office
and cry the day away.

But thank you.

Potato.

Thank you, nurse Judy.

- I'm not nurse Judy.
- Oh!

George, hey!
What are you doing in here, man?

What, a guy can't bring

his buddy a doughnut during surgery?

You know we're not allowed
to have food in the--

Okay, one bite.

- There it is.
- Mm.

Wait a second, what's going on?
Why are you being so nice?

You get visited by three ghosts
last night?

- That's a funny joke.
- Mm-hmm.

You do jokes that are pretty funny,

and, God, the beard is looking good.

And so--I can't do this anymore.
I need a favor.

Ah, there it is. My mother's making
me come to Thanksgiving tomorrow.

I need you to come with me.

I can't handle a six-hour
passive-aggressive

staring contest broken up

by the occasional veiled insult alone.

Uh, no.
Answer is no.

I actually have other plans.

You know, my dad's coming
into town from Colorado.

We have a tradition
where we eat Chinese food,

watch football, and smoke a peace pipe,

- if you know what I'm talking about.
- I do know what you're talking about.

We hollow out a gourd,
stuff it with native grasses,

and spark that baby up, if you
know what I'm talking about.

I get it, Doug.
You get high with your father.

Whoa.
Whoa, whoa, whoa!

Be cool, man.

I'm desperate.
You can bring him. Please?

My dad is not as metropolitan
as I am, okay?

I think you'd be uncomfortable.

It's Thanksgiving at my mother's.

No one's gonna be comfortable.

Thank you, Doug.
I appreciate it.

- Ah, I didn't say I would go.
- You didn't have to.

- What does that mean?
- Exactly.

I'll see you at noon.

Mom, I mean, won't Europe
still be there on Friday?

It's Thanksgiving.

Fine, have a safe flight.

Hope you get strip searched.

- You okay?
- Yeah!

Me? I'm fine.
I'm great. Never been better.

Oh, you got plans for Thanksgiving?

No, no, no.
Just think I'm gonna, you know,

catch up on some work here
at the hospital.

Well, I'm working too.
My family's coming to me.

We're settin' up in the cafeteria.

- You should join us.
- Oh, no, I could never impose.

- Well, suit yourself.
- Unless you insist.

'Cause, you know,
usually, people insist.

- I insist.
- Uh, well, if you insist.

Yes, yeah.

You're late.
You said you'd be here at noon.

I didn't say that I'd--oh,
okay, oh, yeah, I am. I'm late.

I see you brought your friend
Ratso with you.

You know his name, mother.

Hey!
The two of you behave.

And, mother, you remember Doug?

Hi, Mrs. Coleman.
This is my dad Jack Jackson.

What is this?
What's going on?

When did this become a soup kitchen?

Oh, you owe me so huge.

Doug and his dad had no place to go.

I told him that you would be happy

to share your home with them
on Thanksgiving, right, mother?

So your name is Jack Jackson?

Call me Jack.
Call me Jay.

Just don't call me late for dinner.

Here you go.

Should be a fun night.

Oh, Juanita!

This is so awesome!
Your whole family's here.

Oh, yeah, we do it big for the holidays.

- Oh, mom!
- Juanita, baby!

Look at you!

- And this must be Dorothy.
- Hi!

- Oh, girl, please.
- Oh.

Oh, she is scrawny.

You were right, child.

Feel like I'm bringing in firewood.

- Oh!
- Anna, get over here!

Like hugging a bag of hangers!

More like hugging a bicycle,
if you ask me.

- Okay, all right.
- Clara, get in this!

Well, I do love
all this huggin'.

My family stopped hugging
when polio got big.

Oh, she funny!

- Hey, what are you doing?
- Nothing.

- I'm working. I love to work.
- Are you calling your wife?

Yes.
I was bored and lonely.

I wanted a Thanksgiving booty call,

a little turkey jerky,
if you catch my drift.

Look, I know it's tough
being alone on a holiday.

My boyfriend's in solitary, huh?

He has to jerky his own turkey.

But don't blow
your emotional progress.

Make it through today.
Tomorrow will be easy.

- You think?
- Yeah!

And I'll help keep you distracted.

Now grab a stick,
and meet me in the hallway.

That's what my wife used to say.

I cannot believe
that you are so terrified

of being alone with me
that you have brought

Harry and the Hendersons
to my home for Thanksgiving

after I have slaved all day
on that stove!

That's the dishwasher. That stove
making all of your favorites.

Did you make
these takeout boxes as well?

Stop that.

Stop rummaging around in that garbage.

You're just like
you're small-fingered father.

We got plenty of food.
They had no place else to go.

- Try to be welcoming.
- Look at them.

- Yeah, your arm smells like an animal's butthole.
- No, it doesn't.

Look at them, sitting up there in that
ottoman like it's a regular chair.

- Yeah.
- You smell like cow dung.

[ The Turtles' Happy Together playing ]

♪ Imagine me and you, I do ♪

♪ I think about you day and night ♪

♪ It's only right

♪ to think about the girl you love ♪

♪ and hold her tight

♪ so happy together.

Hey, come out here and participate.

You're being rude.

- Horse bite!
- Ooh!

Ha. Gotcha on that.

Almost touched me
in my no-zone.

So, Mr. Jackson,
I understand

that you are a veterinarian as well.

Actually, I'm a large animal vet.

I specialize
in horses, cows--

So basically, you're a farmer.

I think what everyone needs

- is a little more to drink.
- Yes, hit me.

So sorry I don't have any moonshine.

You know, you have a lot to
learn about the country, lady.

Yeah. You have a lot to
learn about the city.

Doug...

What's our gourd situation?

Oops.
Look at that.

We are all o-o-o-out

o-o-o-of wine.

Doug, do you wanna give me a hand?

Yeah, yeah, absolutely.

This is a disaster.

Why did you give her more wine?

I'm trying to get her
from grumpy to sleepy.

Well, that's pretty dopey, Doc.

- You guys should leave.
- Yeah, okay.

We can still catch the game,
eat some Chinese food.

Sorry for dragging you into this.

- Whatever, man.
- Hey.

That's not for you.

Let's go.

Uh, uh, hey, what the hell
is going on in here?

Oh, we were--we were
just getting to know each other.

Two minutes ago, you hated each other.

Well, our anger led to passion.

Have you never seen
a Katherine Heigl movie?

You know, it's very much
in spirit of Thanksgiving

when you know Jesus,
um, apparated the meats.

Uh, oh, shoot me.
I've had three glasses of wine.

Hey, dad, we gotta leave.

We got other plans that I forgot
about until right now.

Dougie, Dougie, that's so rude.

Uh, we can't go now.

Ginny hasn't served the turkey yet.

She's saving me her giblets.
Gobble, gobble, gobble.

I'll be in the kitchen.

Your whole family sucks at innuendo.

Mm.

I mean, for real, it is a joke
how smart my pet pig is.

He's a regular
Albert swine-Stein.

Albert swine-Stein!
Because he's a smart pig!

Yes!
You know what?

This is awesome because a lot of people

do not appreciate my puns.

Nita, how come you didn't tell
us your friend was so funny?

I don't know, I guess
I'm so used to tuning her out.

Now, wait until you try
my cranberry sauce this year.

I added extra zest.

- Oh, yeah! Bring it.
- Yeah, get some of that.

None for me.
I'm afraid of that extra zest.

What?
Are you allergic?

No.
I just don't like it.

Only one in the family too.

Really?
That's crazy.

What, is this one adopted?

Are you-

- That was funny. That was--
- That is crazy.

Wait a minute.

This family never stops talking.

Why aren't y'all talking?

Yeah.

I mean, it isn't true, y'all!
That's a--

We--we were talking.

So anyone see, um,
trouble with the curve?

- Oh, yeah.
- Yeah, we saw that.

Yeah, that was good, huh?

I can't believe this.

- Mama.
- I'm sorry, baby.

It's just--
your daddy was shooting blanks.

Hey! We wore tight pants
in the '70s.

Wait a minute.

You guys are punking me, right?

I can't believe you two never told her.
What you know about this, Jake?

You're still telling everyone
Damon is your business partner.

Whoo! I knew it, I knew it.

At least I didn't cheat on my husband.

Well, but-

Uncle Nate hit that hitchhiker
and left him for dead.

Uh, we don't know that.

We all know you gay as a Christmas tree!
We all know you got a big mouth!

This cranberry sauce is-

Mm, they're definitely zesty.
How many more?

Hey, look, you're eight
for eight, all right?

Let's go for a perfect ten.

Ready?

What am I, a child?
Papillon.

Oh, nice!
All right, last one.

A little oaky.

A touch of toilet water.

I'm gonna go with...
Beagle!

Yes!
High five!

Yeah! Whoo!

You did it.

No, no!
No phone! More games!

Go! Go! Go! Go!

Yamamoto, come on, come on!
He's gonna--

Go! Go! Go! Go!

Yes!

- Yeah!
- Yes!

In your face!

- Aah!
- Oh!

Are you okay?

Look, this is not Wipeout.

This is my life.

I appreciate you trying to distract me,

but there is no way I'm going to get through
Thanksgiving without calling my wife.

Oh, come on.
Don't think like that.

No.
Go take your break.

Now, if you excuse me,

I have to go pee blood.

Come on, man.
You ever planning on coming back?

You left me in there
with a Cialis commercial.

I don't know why I even invited you.

You were supposed to be my buffer,

and you let your dad turn on his "hill
people" charm and seduce my mother.

Seduce?
Are you out of your mind?

Your mom sucked my dad in
with her black magic.

Why don't you tell your dad
to jump on his tractor

and go plow something
other than my mother?

You know what, we didn't even
wanna be here, okay?

I could be chopstick-deep
in some pork lo mein right now.

Oh, right, like a rube like
you knows how to use chopsticks.

I'm sorry, did you just call me a rube?

Oh!

- Like you know what a rube is.
- Oh!

Oh, well, at least the rube
isn't hitting himself, huh?

Why are you hitting yourself?
Why are you hitting yourself?

Why are you hitting yours--

Oh, that's fine.
Yeah, just hang on!

I'll wear you like a backpack!

Boys! Boys! Boys!
No.

- What is going on in here?
- Stop!

Huh?
What's going on?

I came here to help this guy out,

and he's acting
like an ungrateful d-bag.

Please, I will not have insults

thrown around my Thanksgiving dinner,

you big, urban Sasquatch.

- What?
- What did you call my son?

Let's just suffice it to say,
I wouldn't be surprised

to see him running through the woods,

being chased by amateur photographers.

Well, at least my kid isn't
best friends with a monkey.

- That's right. - This monkey wouldn't
be best friends with your son.

You know, the only reason
why we are here

is because your son can't stand
to be alone with you,

and now I know why.

Whoa! You don't talk
to her that way.

Yes, that's our thing.

This woman invites you into her home,
pretends to cook you a wonderful meal,

lets you feel her up on the couch.

You show her some respect, or leave.

That's it.

Doug, let's go get baked.

- About time.
- And I am taking this gourd.

- We're leaving.
- Fine.

And don't let the door hit you
on the way out, Bigfeet--

or let me put it in a way
you might understand;

That was a little more Chewbacca,

and it's "Bigfoot,"
but I like where you were going.

Yamamoto, you gotta help me.

Some dude's after me!

- What?
- He's gonna kill this turkey!

It's Thanksgiving.
That's what people do.

No, this little guy's
gonna be part of a turkey shoot.

I overheard a trucker
talking with his friends.

They tie them down and shoot
them in the face for sport.

Oh, man, there he is.
Oh, come on.

Are you kidding, Angela?

You expect me to believe that?

This is just one of your distractions.

Hey!

Oh!
Gotta go.

Tell your friend to drop the act!

Yamamoto ain't buyin'!

Oh!

Give me back my turkey!

I'm trying to save
this poor turkey!

Help!

Hey!

You see a woman with a turkey
pass through here?

Look, buddy, I'm in no mood

for any more of Angela's stupid games.

I don't need her stupid friends
with their stupid clothes

and their stupid faces
and their stupid--

Turkey's very good this year.

Moist.

You should order from them again.

Please don't tell me you miss Jack.

That old Neanderthal
with his calloused hands

and hot, leathery breath.

Of course I don't miss him.

Good, 'cause he was all wrong for ya.

I know that.

We had some laughs, though.

Remember when he sat in that ottoman

like it was a regular chair?

Mm-hmm, it was 20 minutes ago.

Come on, you must have plenty of suitors

knocking down your door.

Oh, you don't even know the half of it.

Bitsy summers is about to die,

and I've always had my eye
on her husband.

There's the occasional stranger

who rubs up against me in subways.

I'm fine.

Excuse me.
I have to make a call.

At least I have you, Ratso.

- There you are.
- Hey.

Juanita, I am so sorry.

It's okay.
It's not your fault.

Besides, somewhere deep down,

I always kind of knew.

How?

Well, for starters, I'm
the tallest woman in the family.

I'm the only one
that can roll my tongue,

not to mention
I am so much better-looking

than the rest of them.

It's just weird to think that these
people are not my real family.

I can only imagine
what you're dealing with,

but all I know is that there
are a whole group of people

sitting in an animal hospital cafeteria,

just so they could spend
Thanksgiving with you.

I know, but I--
Right now, my dad is in Atlantic City

playing video poker 'cause,
"That's the only place

he feels alive," and my mom is
at a sex show in Amsterdam

with her trainer.

That's--that's
a little messed up.

Yeah, no, it's a lot messed up.

Well, you know what, Dorothy?

If you ever need a home
for the holidays,

you just let us know.
We can adopt you too.

Oh.

- Thank you.
- Oh, thank you.

Now, come on, let's get out there

and let everyone know that you're okay.

Oh, sure.

Oh, just to catch you up,

your Uncle Jake is gay, your
cousin Jasmine had an affair,

and your Uncle Nate
may have killed a guy.

Mm, damn it!
I hate these eating sticks.

Okay, come on, dad.
Listen.

I know that you're upset about
Virginia and everything, okay?

But, you know, who knows
when your paths may cross again?

It's like you always said
about inseminating cows--

if it's meant to be, it'll take.

- I do say that.
- Often.

Well, well, well!

Look who's here.

Come on.

Jack.

Virginia.

George.

- Doug.
- Virginia.

Stop, we all know each other!

Right, right, right.
I'm sorry.

Uh, okay.

Obviously, we recognized
that you two liked each other,

and we want to apologize
for acting like idiots earlier.

And we know things were said.

Yeah, yeah.
I'm sorry about that.

Me too.

Would you care to sit?

You know, Virginia, they have some
really good slippery shrimp here.

No, I actually wasn't trying
to be dirty.

It's actually really,
really good slippery shrimp.

Ow!
What happened?

Uh, that trucker punched you
and took off.

You saved the turkey.
You're a hero!

Why didn't you tell me
it was a real trucker?

I only stand up to fake truckers!

All right, he was a fake trucker.

I hired a homeless guy
to chase me around.

You really put me
through hell today, Angela.

This is the worst holiday
I've had since Veterans Day.

Well, the good news is,
you were out cold for so long,

you made it past midnight
without calling your wife!

- It's past midnight?
- Mm-hmm.

I made it through Thanksgiving?

Yeah!

- Help! Help!
- Come on.

- I didn't call her?
- No!

- Thank you.
- Yeah!

Come on.

What are you doing for Christmas?

I got three words for you, my friend:

"Dog," "tranquilizer,"
and "eggnog."

- Aw, yeah.
- Yeah.

Corrections by honeybunny
Sync www.addic7ed.com