All language subtitles for whos_the_boss_s07e18_tony_and_angela_get_d

What's taking this guy so long?

Tony, the tax returns are very
complicated.

No, they're not, Angela. I've done my
taxes every year by myself, and every

I get a refund. Last year, $84 .50.

Paid for my bowling shoe rental for a
whole year with order readers.

Marty has been doing my taxes for the
last ten years, and I've always done

well, so just relax. I am relaxed.

Good news, Tony.

Good, good news. Good news is good.

Looks like the government will be
sending you both a little refund.

A little refund.

Look, I do my taxes every year by
myself. Last year I got $700.

I'm getting back $700?

Oh! Think of all the bowling shoes I
could rent for that.

All right.

Martin Peterson.

Yes. Or as I like to call them, Mr.

Refund.

You're a special agent, Parker, criminal
investigation unit of the IRS.

You're under arrest for tax fraud.

That would be two French dips with a
coleslaw. You want French fries with

Mr. Peterson?

You have a right to remain silent. If
you give up the right to remain silent,

anything you say can and will be used
against you. Marty, what is going on

Don't say a word. They don't have
anything on us. Oh, hold it. Oh, wait a

minute. What us? What us?

There is no us. I don't even know this
guy.

You know what?

I'm so happy I broke your ball toy.

Make sure you get everything. All the
documents, all the files, and all the

returns. All right.

Hey!

What do you think you're trying to pull?
Oh, no, nothing, nothing. I was just

going to make sure that I dotted all the
I's in Maselli. You know, Maselli,

that's an Italian name.

Maselli. You wouldn't happen to be
Italian, would you?

O'Malley.

Irish, Irish. Now, would you be moving
your big foot so I could be here?

Oh, the Irish.

They're great people, the Irish. Right,
Megan?

The choice is up to you, my friend.

It ain't so long that you might awaken
to a brand new life, a brand new life, a

brand new life around the bend.

Mom, this audit is the best. You should
have seen the other kids' faces when I

told them you were going to jail.

What?

Don't worry. It'll probably be one of
those white -collar jails. You know,

jacuzzi, tennis courts, nature walks.

Jonathan, take a hike.

Careful. I may be the only legitimate
deduction you have.

Great, great. Now we're going to jail.
We are not going to jail. This is a

routine investigation. They are after my
accountant, not us. Angela, you're

kidding yourself.

That's not how this works.

Let me tell you something. When these
people start digging, they dig until

find something.

That's how they nailed my poor cousin
Vinny. And all he had was a lousy

shoeshine stand in a neighborhood.

How much did he owe? Three million
dollars.

Snack time.

Look, I'm helping you with taxes.

Well, that's very nice, honey, but why
don't you give the calculator back to

lady? Yeah, or at least use the
subtraction key.

Go ahead. Go ahead, Billy. Go up to your
room. Go ahead.

But I want to see her squeeze blood from
a stone.

Go upstairs.

Go upstairs.

Kids.

So, how's it going, Miss Foster?

Well, I'm... Almost finished. I must
say, I am very impressed with your

extensive file. Thank you.

And your cigar box was quite organized
as well.

No computer viruses in it, baby.

Just a couple more quick questions. Fire
away.

So, you have been Angela's housekeeper
for how long?

Seven happy years.

Seven, uh -huh. And he works for you
full -time? Twenty -five. Five hours a

Where does he sleep?

What?

I just wondered if Tony had his own
bedroom.

Oh, yes. Tony has his own bedroom.

Where did you think Tony slept?

And what does that have to do with our
taxes?

Oh, this is never easy for me to say.
You see, well, how much you owe the

government really depends on whether or
not the two of you are intimate.

They even put a tax on that?

No wonder Mona's always broke.

No, no, no, no. You see, one of the tax
frauds that your accountant specialized

in was having his married clients file
as singles.

Oh, so you think she and I are married?
And posing as singles? That's

ridiculous!

Oh, wait a minute. What made you think
we were married? Well, it's just that

finding dozens of receipts for gifts of
a rather personal and intimate nature

you bought for each other. Really? Oh,
well, that can all be very easily

explained. Uh -huh. Like this one from
Mr. Maselli from Pretty in Pink Lingerie

for one black teddy.

I had to replace the one I ripped.

Wait a minute. It got stuck in the
washing machine on the tumbler.

airline tickets to Italy for two. Well,
we had to go there on family business.

His family, not mine. We have two
separate families.

So you traveled 8 ,000 miles to help
your housekeeper with his family

Well, we are close.

So I see.

Not that close.

What a day.

thing wears you out like a day of
shopping mother mother come come here

please would you do us a favor would you
please tell this lady that tony and i

are not married let's examine the facts
they've been together a long time they

squabble like a couple and they never
have sex sounds married to me

Sam, Sam, come here a second.

Sam, this is Miss Foster from the
Internal Revenue Service.

Oh, it's nice to meet you.

She thinks that we owe some more money
because there's some confusion about

whether or not we're married. You know,
tell her that.

Oh, they're married. Sam.

They're not married. No, Sam, Sam. What?

What do you want me to say?

They're whatsoever cheap.

Kids.

But let's just be logical here for a
minute. If we were married... Which

not. Why would we lie about it? Why
wouldn't we just say so? Yeah, because

everybody knows it's cheaper to file as
married. No, not in your case. There's a

lot of reasons to file as single.

Oh, yeah?

Like what?

Like a higher standard deduction, like
lowering your income levels and

more deductions on individual accounts,
like the contribution that Angela

deducts that she makes to your Social
Security, which is not... compared to

deduction she takes for your child care
expenses.

I think you should take your witch hunt
elsewhere unless you can come up with

some real proof that shows we're
married.

Like this receipt from the Moonlight
Motel where you checked in in South

Carolina as Mr.

and Mrs.

Maselli?

That's not bad.

But easily explained. That's right. It
was the... It was the baseball. Oh, the

convention. The convention, that's
right. And the motel lost our

and we had to take the last room that
was left, and Tony slept on the floor.

Absolutely nothing happened. Well, that
may be true, but when you check into a

motel as Mr.

and Mrs. in a common law state like
South Carolina, you can be considered

legally married.

You mean I didn't have to sleep on the
floor?

Oh, why?

Because we checked in some places, Mr.
and Mrs.? That's nuts.

Well, we have a saying at the office.

If it looks like a duck and it quacks
like a duck, it's probably a duck.

Well, we've got a saying back in
Brooklyn, and it goes something like

yeah?

Ben, thank you for helping out your good
neighbor. Yeah, yeah, and a good

lawyer, judging by your license plate.
Good lawyer.

Okay, here we go.

Okay, according to common law in the
state of South Carolina, any intention

live publicly together provides evidence
of a mutual agreement of marriage.

No, this can't be happening.

All right, look.

You have two options.

One is to produce evidence that you're
not really married. Oh, wait a minute.

Hold it. Now, how do you prove you're
not something?

I mean, they don't give out not married
certificates.

They don't say, with this ring, I don't
de -wed.

And the organist doesn't play, here
don't come the bride.

Well, all right, then your other option
is to fight it in court. You know,

people challenge these old laws all the
time and win. Oh, that's great. How do

we do that? Well, you give me a $25 ,000
retainer, I'll make a couple of phone

calls for you.

Well, how about I give you 25 bucks and
you call after 6 when the rates are

lower?

All right, listen, whatever you two
decide, I'll be happy to help. Oh,

Thanks. Guys, would you cheer up,
please?

Come on, it could be worse.

If you transported sheep across a state
line, you could be lynched.

Yeah, well, at least I wouldn't be
married to him.

Thank you.

Thank you a lot. Oh, no, Angelo, I
didn't mean that you were worse than

You're better than sheep. You're better
than sheep. Of course, you do not give

us wool.

You provide warmth in other ways, Angie.
Nice try, Tony. We've got to do

something. Like what?

Well, you're the husband. Make a
decision.

Okay, wifey. Here's what we're going to
do.

We're going to fight the IRS in court
because we're right. You know and I know

and everybody else that knows us knows
we're not married. That's right.

Idiot.

Anniversary? Yeah, we figured it out.
It's been about a year since your trip

South Carolina. Your one -year
anniversary.

Anniversary!

Come on, sit down. Because we have quite
an evening planned for both of you.

Oh, look what a cute couple.

And they said it would never last.

Actually, they said it would never
happen.

On behalf of the children, a little
something for Mom and Pop.

Good pop, good pop.

What is this?

What?

See,

now you never have to be apart.

That's very cute, guys, very cute.

And that's not all.

Here's a little something for my
daughter and my son -in -law for their

honeymoon.

Mona, what is this?

You got it upside down.

Oh, Mona!

It's a hat.

Is that it? No.

Put on the sweatshirt. Oh, I don't think
so. Oh, come on. They went to such

trouble, and it is our anniversary.

They remembered you forgot, typical.

Neg, neg, neg.

A little twisted here. Where's your
other arm? Oh!

Excuse me, honey.

It's perfectly all right. I quite
enjoyed it, dear.

Come on, let's go get the cake.

Yeah. Okay, now here's the plan. I'm
going to take the kids to a movie.

feature. Let nature take its course.

Mother.

Oh, come on. You're legally married now.

Even the federal government wants you to
do it.

Look, if you don't want to do it for
yourself, do it for your country.

Hold on, please. I assure you that's the
furthest thing from our minds right

now. That is right.

Is it getting hot in here? Yeah, it's a
little warm.

I got it.

I mean...

We'll get it. Come on.

All right, look. Right, left, right,
left. Ready?

That's your left. Right, left, right.

Oh, boy.

This isn't what

it looks like.

Quack, quack.

Married people, you sure do a lot of
married things.

Except the important ones.

Well, I don't want to interrupt the
festivities. I just wanted to drop off

revised tax bill with the penalties to
date. This is the amount you now owe.

my gosh! Oh, let me tell you something,
Ms. Forster. We are not paying this.

We're going to fight this to the end,
period. Fine, fine. But I must warn you

that during your protest, substantial
interest penalties will continue to

Happy anniversary.

Who are you?

Get off me. Will you spread out, please?

All right, look, look. Don't worry about
this, Angela, because we're going to

win this. We're in this together, right?
Wrong.

What? Wrong. I quit.

I am not going to spend years in court
with the IRS. I am going to pay this and

get it over with. But it won't be over
with, Angela, because in the

eyes, we'll still be married.

Okay, then we'll get a divorce.

I can't get a divorce.

I'm Catholic.

Well, we have got to do something.

Well, what about Uncle Carmine, Dad? He
was Catholic, and he got out of a

marriage. Yes, and they never did find
that body.

No,

Dad, I'm talking about his first
marriage.

Oh, right, Sam. You're brilliant.
That'll solve all our problems. So what

going to do?

We're going to go upstairs and pack.

I'm taking you on a little trip. Come
on.

Probably the last thing Uncle Carmine
said to his wife.

And now, by the power vested in me by
the state of South Carolina, I now

pronounce you husband and wife.

Now, go on, son. Kiss him.

That was a beautiful ceremony, Your
Honor. You made me cry.

Here's my handkerchief.

Oh, thanks.

She's so sentimental, Your Honor. I'm
sorry. It's just I'm really touched when

see two people bonded together, pledging
their love into eternity.

Well, now, what can I do for you?

Terminate our marriage.

What? Oh, yeah, we're here for an
annulment, Your Honor. We need you to

this document.

An annulment? Yeah, well, that will
prove that our marriage never existed.

right? Yes.

Great. We'll take one of those.

Well, if you ordered a gnomon, I need to
know what your grounds are.

Uh, grounds.

Uh, sure. Okay.

What do you got?

Did you see Golden Arches when you drove
in here, son? This ain't a fast food

restaurant.

We're very sorry, Your Honor. We meant
no disrespect. We were in a hurry, and

didn't have time to research the
process, and we would appreciate any

could extend us. Well, marriage
unconsummated.

Bingo! We have a winner.

Frank, we'll take that. Marriage
Intoxicated. Right, that's our ground.

Unable to perform husbandly beauty.

Right. Hold it.

Wait a minute, wait a minute. That can't
go down on my permanent record.

First of all, nobody would believe it.
You know, I'm Italian.

And second of all, whoa, I'm Italian.

This is getting very complicated. The
simple truth is that we got caught in a

technicality and we never meant to be
married.

So you're saying there was lack of
intent?

Yes, total.

Well, those are sufficient grounds.

For real, Your Honor? For real.

Thank you, thank you. I knew this would
work out.

But I won't give it to you.

Four score and seven years ago.

I'm sorry. You see, it's just so rare
that I see a couple that obviously cares

for one another so much and belongs
together. Now, in my heart, I just

grant this annulment.

Case dismissed.

Wait a minute. Wait a minute, Your
Honor. I got something to say.

Tony, please, don't tell him you pay his
salary.

Mano, look, when I get married, I want
it to be on my terms when I'm good and

ready. Yes, and I want romance and
flowers and a beautiful little wedding

maybe outside by a pond. Oh, hey, you
want a small wedding? Oh, yeah, I had a

big one the first time. You know how
that turned out. Yeah, well, you know,

and Marie, we eloped.

Oh, so you'd want a big wedding. Well,
hey, you invite my family, Mano, and

you've got a big wedding.

No, but you know, you've got to have a
hassle. You've got the RSVP, you've got

the invitations, you've got the
caterers. Excuse me?

Sorry, we got a little carried away.

Look. Your Honor, when I marry an
appropriate

person, I don't want it to be because I
signed in some places,

Mr. and Mrs. I want it to be because I
love her and I cherish her and I want to

spend the rest of my life with her.

You make an impassioned case.

Well, it means a lot to me, Your Honor,
to both of us.

Well, by the power vested in me by the
state of South Carolina, I hereby

declare this marriage a no.

Oh, thank you, Your Honor. Thank you.
Angela, we're unmarried.

Oh, you are Italian.

We did it. We did it. We have proof.
Angela.

Tony, you were fantastic. You really
pulled it off. What a relief.

No kidding.

Hey, what's the matter?

Nothing.

I don't know. Just for a second I felt a
little sad.

You mean like as if you maybe lost
something?

Yeah.

That's funny.

Me too.

Well, that's crazy.

Because we never wanted it in the first
place. Yeah, we wanted to be single, and

now we are.

We should be happy.

Absolutely, huh?

Hey, now that you're single, are you
free for dinner?

Maybe, but I should warn you, I don't
kiss on the first date.

We'll see.

I cannot believe... that Tony would go
to anyone you recommended after that

fiasco with the accountant?

Mother, that was one isolated incident.
He forgave me and he trusts me again.

And besides, Antoine has been doing my
hair for years.