All language subtitles for dharma_greg_s04e11_the_box

I can fix your frame, but you really did
a job on this box spring and mattress.

It was our anniversary last night, so we
kind of kicked it up a notch.

Congratulations. Thanks. What about the
shelves back there?

How'd you do that? Okay, you know how
it's impossible to get any traction on

silk sheets? Darn it.

Can you just give us a price on all the
damage?

All right, well, starting in the
bathroom.

Your shower head needs to be reattached
to the wall.

I told you it wouldn't hold your weight.

And you were right.

Go ahead.

Oh, that window glass might be hard to
match. Yeah, Greg was doing a strip

and he kicked off a shoot.

Why don't we just show him the
videotape?

Honey, no one likes to sit through home
movies.

What anniversary was this?

Three and a half.

Nice. You guys are going to be putting
my kids through college.

Glad to help. There's also some damage
in the apartment downstairs.

Put that on our bill, too. We knocked
their ceiling fan clean off its

But if they ask, all the bees are dead
and I'm fine.

What?

It was late when they called. I had to
think fast.

I don't think they bought it.

You know, it's amazing with all the
advances with the internet and cloning,

still have to bring a mattress home the
hard way.

For the record, Larry, it was free
delivery until you started negotiating.

Free delivery?

Sure, as long as you buy the mattress.
Larry, we did buy... Never mind.

Hey, you might want to wait till we get
the old one out.

Hey, look at you.

Thinking.

Dharma, have you talked to your mother
lately?

Yeah, this morning.

Did she happen to mention maybe why she
hates me?

She doesn't hate you, Larry. She's just
had a baby. It's perfectly natural to be

depressed after you've had a baby. My
mom's still depressed.

Maybe I should get her a gift.

Nah, just tell her you love her and that
you'll always be there for her and then

give her lots of big hugs.

Nah, she can get that from some crazy
homeless guy.

Crack open the wallet and buy her
something.

What do you think I should get her?

I don't know. Something that says, I
think you're pretty, like a blouse or a

male prostitute.

That's probably more than I want to
spend.

Hey, Jane, check this out.

Guys, I'm a little stuck here.

Then get her a scarf.

Found this under Greg's side of the bed.

Open it up. It's locked.

Why would Greg keep a locked box under
the bed?

I knew a guy who had a box like that.

Turned out it was full of fingernail
clippings from everybody in his

I don't think my husband is some kind of
psycho manicurist.

No woman wants to think that about her
husband.

I don't know. She's got plenty of
scarves.

I'll just put it back, and if Greg wants
to tell me what's in it, he'll tell me.

I'll bet it's naked pictures of his old
girlfriend.

Well, that would be funny.

Framed with your fingernail, Coach.

Come on, let's bust it open.

No, no, we can't.

But if it happened to open accidentally
while we were moving the bed... That's a

good, strong box.

Yes, it is.

I'm really stuck.

Try looking through some catalogs.

Boy, I wish there was another way I
could phrase this.

Come on, darling, let's break in the new
mattress.

Don't you want to fill out the warranty
card first?

brand new bed and a pretty girl. I
couldn't be happier.

Me too.

What's the deal with the locked box
under your side of the bed?

What? The box that's under your side of
the bed that isn't mine, that's locked.

Oh, that's just some old stuff.

Huh. Well, I put it back under the bed.

Thanks.

Jane wanted to open it, but I said, no
siree, that is Greg's box.

If he wants me to know what's in it,
he'll tell me or show me.

But that is up to him.

Yep.

Until then, that box remains undisturbed
directly beneath us. Actually, a little

over. Right about there.

Does it bother you that I have a box
under the bed?

No, no.

I'm just a little curious why you feel
the need to keep secrets from me. That's

all. It's not secret.

It's private. I don't see the
difference.

If it was secret, it would be something
that I was hiding from you. So I can see

what's inside? I'd rather you didn't.
It's private.

Okay.

You

tell

me if the box was full of weird, creepy
stuff, all right?

What do you mean, weird, creepy stuff?

Oh, other people's fingernails.

So creepy about that.

Hey, Ed. I was just coming up to see
you.

I thought we agreed you wouldn't do
that.

This is kind of an emergency.

Like yesterday when you couldn't
remember the name of the George Segal

Worse.

Let me ask you something.

What do you get a woman who just had a
baby and is feeling kind of fat? And

don't say poncho because I gave her one
at dinner and it made her really mad.

That would hide the fat.

That's what I told her.

You know, I usually get Kitty a little
perfume or a nice outfit if I really

to kiss some patootie, a piece of pricey
jewelry.

So you just pick something else. Oh,
God, no. That would be suicide.

Kitty does the shopping. She has it
wrapped, sent over to the office. I take

home. She pretends she's surprised.

And I pretend I'm not.

So I should get Kitty to help me shop.

I would.

Because I'm always happy with the stuff
I get her.

Right. Thanks, Ed. Sure.

This is the lobby. Aren't you coming?

No, I want to stay here and listen to
the rest of the song.

Why wouldn't he want to tell me what's
in the box? How bad could it be?

until I opened the box this thing came
in.

Woof.

Well, it's the thought that counts.

What's the thought here? My old lady is
a giant toaster?

Okay, I'm sorry, honey. We were talking
about you and Greg.

Yeah, you can't have a good marriage if
you keep secrets from each other, right?

You know, honey, I think a few secrets
are okay.

Maybe even healthy.

You know what really ruins a
relationship?

Ponchos.

He was just trying to cheer you up. I
know, I know, and I'm tired and

and I'm having those typical new mommy
fantasies of killing the daddy in his

sleep.

That's a secret you're keeping from him.

No, he knows.

All right.

So you think I should just quit bugging
Greg about what's in the box?

Yeah, I do.

Okay.

What do you think, Sid?

We'll start at Neiman's, move on to
Saks, possibly Bloomingdale's.

But then there's always the risk of
running into one of those dreadful one

sales.

How many cows you figure died to make
these seats?

I don't know, Larry.

There's a manual in the glove
compartment.

I really want to thank you for helping
me out here.

I mean, I thought I hit a home run with
the poncho, but go figure.

You did the right thing coming to me,
Larry.

Just between us, if there was a Nobel
Prize for shopping, Kitty Montgomery

know where to buy it.

Carpet in this car is the softest thing
I ever felt.

Oh, Larry, put your shoes back on.

Hey. Hey.

What you got there?

Kind of tears you up that you don't
know, huh?

Not really.

Good. Because I decided I need a box of
my own to keep things that are private

to me.

Private.

Okay.

Do you want a ride to work?

No, thanks. I have to wait till you
leave so I can put this somewhere where

won't find it for three years.

Okay, okay, it's Q -tips and some
Canadian change. Now tell me what's in

You know what?

Wait here a minute.

Here's the box.

Here's the key.

I mean, I'd like to have a little
privacy, but it's not worth driving you

I'm going to go now. Okay. You have a
good day.

Bye.

Oh, you evil bastard.

This is a lovely purse.

Great, let's take it.

Larry, you can't take the first thing
that you see.

Kitty, I'm not very good at this. Just
tell me what I'm looking for.

Larry, you will know it when you see it.
It will speak to you. It will say, take

me, I'm yours.

Will you hear it too?

Mrs. Montgomery, always a pleasure to
see you. Oh, Charles.

You did not buy that here. Oh, you
caught me.

Charles, this is my... Larry.

And he's looking for a gift for his...
woman.

I need it to talk to me. I know just
what you mean.

Great. Wrap it up. Hey, that wasn't so
painful.

Relax, Larry.

Charles, we could use a little
champagne. We're going to browse.

Certainly.

Kitty, you're being a real sport here.
Let me buy the champagne.

It's free, Larry.

Sure, if you buy the bag.

Now, look at this scarf.

It's nice.

All right, I'll look at this one.

Well, this seems a little nicer.

Uh -huh.

And you are right.

It is twice as nice.

Have you seen anything you like?

Like? Yes.

Love? No.

Larry, you are doing beautifully.

Charlie.

Stay close with the champagne.

Bless me, Father, for I have sinned.

Well, actually, I haven't sinned yet.
Unless it's a sin to use a confessional

you're not Catholic.

I mean, don't get me wrong. It's not
like I've never done anything bad. I'm a

leggy blonde. Trouble finds me.

Is there something I can help you with?

Yes. The reason I am here is because I
heard you guys are really good at

secrets. Do you have a mustache?

Do you have anything to confess, my
child?

Oh, here's the deal.

My husband has this lockbox full of
secret stuff, which is bugging the HD

hockey sticks out of me, if you know
what I mean.

Uh -huh.

And he gave me the key, and he said that
I can open it if I want to, but I'm

afraid that if I do that, it'll mean
that I don't trust him, which is where

come in.

The box is outside of your little door.
The key's on top of it, and if you could

just open it and let me know if there's
anything in there that I should worry

about, I'd really appreciate it.

I don't know. That's not the kind of
thing we normally do.

Oh, pretty please, with a saint on top?

All right.

You know, as long as I'm here, one time
when I was 19, I did something with a

baseball player whose name I don't want
to mention, which may have affected the

outcome of the World Series, which I had
money on.

Coincidentally. See anything good yet?

Okay, I am opening up the box.

Yeah?

Ooh.

Ooh like ooh or ooh like ugh?

I remember these.

Remember what? What do you remember?

Not something you had to give up to be a
priest, is it?

Hmm.

Interesting.

Yep, I knew it.

I knew it was something interesting.

Let me ask you a question.

Do you trust your husband?

Oh, sure, yes, of course.

Then forget about the books.

You're saying there's nothing in there
for me to worry about?

I am saying that if you love and you
trust your husband, you should forget

the books.

I guess you're probably right.

Well, thank you, Father.

Over and out. Amen.

Yeah, as long as I got you here. I'm 22.

I'm in Cabo. A lot for tequila.

Long story short, I joined the Mexican
Coast Guard.

I never report for duty.

But every time I'm in Mexico, I use the
ID card to get into movies for half

price.

Where do you think I stand on this,
morally speaking?

You shouldn't do that.

Well, this looks promising.

You have said that in every store in San
Francisco.

And once in the Versace parking garage.

I'm sorry. I'm trying.

Nothing's speaking to me.

You understand I did not mean that
literally.

May I help you? Probably not, but take
your best shot.

I got a kitty.

I'm shopping for a gift for someone
special.

I don't know what it is, but I'll know
it when I see it. All right. Why don't

take a look at some bracelets that I
think you'll love? Well, I might like

but I can't promise love.

Yes, yes, I heard you.

Excellent. I lost my buzz somewhere
between Neiman's and Bloomy's.

You know, I'm starting to think that the
perfect gift for Abby would be

lingerie. It's a shame that didn't occur
to you when we were in a lingerie

store. Hey, I was a little distracted. I
mean, when did they start putting

nipples on mannequins?

Larry, please.

Just buy something so we can go.

Oh, these are nice.

Ah.

Uh -uh.

Oh, this is, uh... No.

Oh, wait a minute.

False alarm.

What is wrong with that?

Didn't speak to me.

I am speaking to you, Larry. Pick
something out.

Hang on a sec.

Oh. What have we here? Oh, it's
beautiful. It's perfect. Buy it.

Come on, Kitty.

Is it?

It's a cheap knockoff of a Cartier.

Thank you.

Is there a lingerie store nearby?

No, Larry, there is not.

Actually, ma 'am, there is. La Perla's
just two blocks down and Marie Saint

Laurent's just around the corner.

Of course, there's always Victoria's
Secret at the mall.

The mall.

Come on, Kitty.

You will burn in hell for this.

Hey. Hey, sugar.

Sugar? I thought I'd try it, but I
didn't like it.

That's okay. Sometimes you gotta try
these things out.

Listen, um, about the box.

I'm sorry.

The more I think about it, I love you
and I trust you. And if you want to have

some place that's private, you're
entitled to that.

So you didn't open the box?

Nope. I can honestly say that I did not
open the box.

I mean, I considered it, but I figured
either A, there's nothing in it that I

would be concerned about, or B, there's
something I would be concerned about,

but I shouldn't be, and by not showing
it to me, you're really doing me a

Unless it's C, something I...

would be concerned about, but you're
oblivious to the fact that I'd be

about it, which I guess makes C a bit of
a problem, but not as big of a problem

as D, where you know I'd be upset and
you're just screwing with me, which

me to E, which is too twisted for me to
even say, but the fact that I can think

it means we've got some real problems
here.

Okay, sugar.

Hey, I've got a minute.

What?

Okay, look, I know you feel a little...
unappreciated lately and maybe a little

fat. But I'm not going to get into that
because you're not.

You're my beautiful wife who has given
birth to my beautiful son and here.

Breathe.

Oh, wow.

You like it?

I love it. It's just like the one Kitty
wears.

I know.

You always say how much you love it. Oh,
where did you get it? Hers was custom

made by a jeweler in Paris.

Really? I got this in town.

Was it expensive?

No, the woman practically threw it at
me.

I love it. I love it. Thank you.

Oh, there.

That's weird.

Why don't you put a picture of Greg in
there?

That's not Greg.

It's not under the bed.

It's right there. I slept pretty well
myself.

It's empty.

I emptied it.

Did we get a new box?

There's no more box, Dharma.

Well, what is it now? Some kind of bag?

I still don't think it's wrong for a
person to want a little private space,

it was obviously driving you crazy, and
you were starting to scare me a little

bit, so I thought we should move on.

So, what, you got a locker at the bus
terminal?

I put everything that was in the box
away.

What do you mean away? Where away?

Here, in the apartment.

Where in the apartment?

Well, depends on the thing. I put things
where they belonged.

You mean on tables and on shelves and in
drawers?

I gotta go. I'm late for work.

Wait a minute. I never saw this before.

Was this in the box?

Oh, no. This was always here.

Bye, darling.

But it's this kind of thing.

Oh my god, I'm in the box.