All language subtitles for dharma_greg_s03e17_the_spy_who_said_he_loved_me

Oh, Mrs. Montgomery, you can come in
now.

Is he going to be all right, Doc? I feel
a little responsible here.

He has a mild hernia.

I'm sure it's nothing you did, Mrs.
Montgomery.

Actually, it is. I already told him how
it happened, lifting something.

It was me.

See, we were in the shower, so we were
both soapy and slippery. He doesn't need

to know this.

Honey, he's a doctor. He needs to know
the facts in order to help you.

Anyway, it was Monkey Love Monday, which
means you try... You try something new,

so I asked Greg to pick me out. So what
about the hernia? Do I wear something,

take something, what? Excuse me.

Hold on a second. Go on. It was soapy
and

slippery.

That's pretty much all there was to it.

Oh.

So what do we do here, Doc?

Well, I don't think this is serious
enough to require surgery, but you're

to have to avoid any strenuous activity
for a couple of weeks. No lifting, no

sex, no golf. No sex?

How would golf hurt it?

What if I was on top, you know, and I
was really careful and I did all the

and everything?

What if I got a caddy?

I'm sure you'd be very careful up there
on...

top, but if Greg's anything like me
during sex, that pelvis has a mind of

own.

Any kind of vigorous motion could
aggravate the inguinal canal.

Oh, that sounds bad.

Oh, yeah.

I remember my first hernia. I was single
at the time, but I was seeing this

young Filipino woman down at San Bruno,
and she was very gentle.

I was an eager beaver, ripped myself
from stem to sternum.

Thank you very much, doctor.

Honey, he's a doctor. You need to listen
to him.

Yeah, she was quite a gal.

She had a tattoo on her back that showed
Lindy landing in Paris.

She moved certain muscles just right she
could get the wheels off the ground.

Dharma, they're painkillers. They're
good for anything.

Well, I just want to make sure they're
the right thing.

See, I feel kind of responsible.

We were having sex in the shower, and he
tried to lift me up, and pop, boink,

the weasel.

These will be fine, thank you.

Dharma?

Scott?

Hey!

Oh, I thought that was you.

God, you look great. You too.

It's been great, Greg. This is Scott. I
told you about Scott.

We used to go out. Oh, sure.

Nice to meet you. Hi.

Godzilla, that's a lot of condoms.

It looks like a lot. It's only a dozen
of them, Fox.

Greg can't have sex right now.

Well, tell him the whole thing.

We were having a little jungle love in
the shower. I lifted her up. I got a

slight strain.

A man's got to know his limitations.

How was Afghanistan?

Dirty and dangerous.

I loved it.

What were you doing in Afghanistan?

Well, I travel a lot. I'm a professional
tennis player.

I didn't realize there was a tennis
tournament in Afghanistan.

It's not televised.

Anyway, I'm moving back to San
Francisco.

Well, you know, if you need a place,
there's a vacancy in our building,

Craig? I don't think so.

Fleur, you helped him move last weekend.
You made him zucchini bread.

Is this a going away present?

Oh, yeah, then. That's vacant.

Why don't you come by tonight?

We'll show you the apartment.

Great. Same old building.

Thanks, darling.

Nice to meet you, Greg. Same here. See
you later.

Wouldn't it be perfect if Scott moved in
down the hall? Yeah, perfect ending to

the perfect day.

Anyway, I carry a lot of extra cat guts
for my tennis rackets. Well, little did

I know I'd be using it to restring Yo
-Yo Ma's violin during a private concert

for the Sultan of Brunei.

Hold on, hold on. Yo -Yo Ma plays the
cello.

Sure, but when the Sultan wants to hear
Devil Went Down to Georgia, you pick up

a fiddle.

So how are you liking the new apartment?

Oh, I love it. It's great. It reminds me
of that little condo I had in Beijing.

What were you doing in Beijing?

Teaching table tennis.

To the Chinese, the Chinese are the best
ping pong players in the world.

Thank you.

Hi. Hi. Excuse me.

Scott, honey, you said you were going to
wash my back. I'm sorry, baby. I'll be

right with you.

Yikes, I completely forgot I left her in
the tub.

Greg, do you have any condoms? I'm all
out.

Two dozen a week ago.

You're right. It's my own fault.

Thanks for the coffee, neighbor.

We'll see you guys later. See you later,
Scott.

I completely forgot how much fun he is.
How is it possible that a man his age

could have met all those people, done
all those things, been to all those

places? I know.

He'll be so down to earth. It blows your
mind, doesn't it?

I need an adjective.

Liar. Uh, that's a noun.

Lying.

Okay, now a noun.

Sure.

Okay, good, let's read it.

I love the holidays.

Every year, Dad goes to the Sultan's
Palace and chops down an eight -foot

pathological liar.

Meanwhile, Mom is making up a big batch
of lies.

The whole house smells like complete
crap.

The highlight is when Dad sneaks into
the People's Republic of China dressed

like a tennis pro.

Well, not quite the fun with words
promised on the cover. I cannot believe

you buy anything this guy says about
himself.

Honey, there's no reason for you to feel
threatened by Scott. I am not

threatened by Scott.

Oh, God,

not again.

Okay, you want to play another game?
Yes, sure.

We'll play cheese. Here's how it works.

We take turns naming a cheese, and the
first person who can't name one loses.

I'll start. Cheddar.

Camembert.

Monster.

Gruyere.

Cheese.

So we were in bed playing cheese, and
somewhere around mozzarella, Greg

feeling a little thirsty.

I can't imagine the cheese that would
make me frisky.

Although there is something about a nice
smoked gouda when you peel back that

brine.

Well, it wasn't just the cheese. My old
boyfriend moved in next door and he was

having pretty loud sex. You know, talk,
talk, talk, talk.

Can we chat when I'm not flapping in the
breeze?

Greg, part of being a good doctor is
listening to the patient. Go ahead,

That's pretty much it.

Oh.

Well, listen, son. I know it's hard with
the ex around.

I remember one time I wound up at a ski
lodge right next door to my ex -wife and

her latest fellow.

I made damn sure they were kept up all
night with the sounds of love.

It would have been a little easier if
I'd brought a lady friend with me.

And the best part is gravity.

Keeps your kishkis from slipping down
into your goody sack.

This is not what I meant by a second
opinion.

Hey, Scott.

Hi, sorry to bother you. Do you have any
candles I could borrow? Oh, sure.

Uh, scented, okay? Oh, yeah, that'd be
great. And maybe some romantic CD, maybe

Marvin Gaye. Sure.

He's just taunting us these days. Come
on in, my folks are here.

Oh, hey, Abby!

Larry!

Great to see you. Wow, what you been up
to? Hey, still working for Greenpeace?

Greenpeace? It's unbelievable, Greg.
Scott takes his dinghy out to the ocean,

and he puts himself right between the
Japanese fishing boats and poor

defenseless whales. Really? Why would
you characterize that as unbelievable?

Oh, I had to give it up. The Japanese
whalers put a price on me.

Oh, no.

It's called a shinjoukai.

A shinjoukai.

I better get going.

I'm running a bath.

Great to see you guys.

Yeah, it's great to see you, Scott.

Later, man.

Oh, what a wonderful human being.

Look, I don't want to be the one to have
to say this, but that guy is a complete

fraud. Oh, here we go again. Abby, will
you tell him your thing about jealousy?

Okay, okay, but I can't take credit for
this. It's actually an old Navajo myth.

One day... I'm not jealous!

Look, here's a listing of every
professionally ranked tennis player for

20 years. Scott Kelly is nowhere in
here. I'm sure there's a logical

explanation. Of course there is. He
can't play under his own name. He has a

Shinjo Kai on his head.

Fine. How about this? I spy...

NBC television, 1965.

Robert Culp plays secret agent Kelly
Robinson, who masquerades as a tennis

accompanied by his partner Alexander
Scott, played by Bill Cosby. Does any of

this ring a bell?

Sorry, man. The 60s are kind of a blur.

Hi.

Oh, I'm sorry.

I'm looking for Scott Kelly's apartment.

Yeah, just go down the hall and stop
when you hear Marvin Gaye.

Thank you.

Looks like the fourth woman Scott's been
with this week.

Sixth, and apparently none of them know
how to bathe themselves.

Abby, do you think Scott was seeing
other women when I went out with him?

say he was faithful?

Constantly. Well, there you are. It must
be true, because we know he's not a

liar.

1972, I was in Fresno.

But I didn't have a TV.

Kimberly Scott's such a hound.

Norma, let me explain something to you.

There's an amino acid in the penis which
makes men evil.

Scientific fact.

I don't know about that. I mean, do you
think Greg is evil?

Greg has a penis.

Ergo, he's in a continual state.

Maybe I'm thinking about this the wrong
way.

Maybe Scott's just trying to find the
right woman, so he's dating a little. It

doesn't mean he was dishonest with me.

Oh, for the love of Mike!

Honey, are you okay?

Fine.

Anyway, it's really hard for Scott to
find a woman. When I met him, he just

his wife in this horrible boating
accident.

The finals for the America's Cup, I
think.

Honey, are you sure you're okay?

Evil acid reflux.

So who taught you how to pick a lock,
the FBI?

Jane.

So, uh, what exactly are we looking for?

Proof that this guy's not what he claims
to be.

Like what?

Pictures of him not playing tennis?

Just look for stuff. Bank statements,
letters, anything that might tell us who

he really is.

Bingo.

What are you doing?

Star 69.

I'll find out the last person he talked
to.

Good thinking.

Hello? Who's this?

No, I asked you first. Who's this?

I know I called you, but I asked you
first.

Hang up.

Ah, here we go.

Hello.

You called me this time, pal.

Just look.

Oh, God.

Hey, thanks for helping me out. Oh, no
problem.

I see Scott still likes his Turkish
coffee.

Well, I think he just misses Istanbul.

So great having him around.

I just wish Greg wasn't threatened by
him. Yeah, so does Scott.

This must be fun for you.

Anyway, I'm glad you and I can be
friends.

And Greg will come around. I mean, you
know, he's just in a lot of pain and

cranky because we're not having any sex.

Tell her why we're not having any sex.

So why aren't you guys having sex?

He'd rather I not talk about it.

Sex is very important to me.

You learn to live without it.

Oh, you must be so tense.

I have a video that starts like this.

I'm just more concerned about Scott and
Greg getting along.

Yeah, it'd be great if they did. Then
you guys could come to our wedding.

Getting married?

Well, as soon as his wife is declared
legally dead. You know, they never found

the body.

Oh, from the boating accident.

What boating accident?

He told me his wife died in a boating
accident.

No, he told me she died skiing.

Well, we know one thing. She's good and
dead.

That's so weird.

Why would he have lied to you?

Oh, honey.

We'll talk later.

I gotta go apologize to my husband.

Mm -hmm. Mm -hmm. You sure do.

So you and this fellow were both in the
closet? Yes.

But not how you think.

Don't be embarrassed about this, Greg.

Don't. I was once young, too.

I had questions.

Desires I couldn't explain.

I remember one late night I was a
soldier on guard duty.

The lieutenant came by and said, I'm
here to relieve you.

son.

I was confused because my watch wasn't
up for another two hours.

Are you finding your way around the
neighborhood okay?

Yes, great. Hey, thanks for the tip
about the dry cleaner. Oh, no problem.

You know, I spent a little time with
Allison today. She seems really nice.

How did your wife die?

I told you that, didn't I? She was a
professional skier.

I thought she died in a boating
accident.

She did.

Water skiing.

In the America's Cup?

They had a really good lead.

I was just screwing around.

Oh, hey, you're just in time.

What?

Scott's pants are on fire. He's trying
to put them out. You want a piece of

action?

Thanks. I don't mind if I do.

You did not use all those condoms.

Greg.

Bigger fish. Okay, I'll just put that
aside for now. This whole, uh, I spy

pong yo -yo machinjo crap stops right
here. Okay.

Okay, I have been lying to you.

I'm not a professional tennis player.

I've never been married.

My name's not even Scott Kelly.

Oh, really?

Why?

It's called an EPC.

Easily Penetrable Cover.

The idea is you see right through it and
dismiss me as a liar.

That way I can continue with my real
work as an operative for a government

entity known as the firm.

Look, pal, I worked for the government
for ten years. I've never heard of

anything called the firm.

Lucky for you.

Anyway, I'd love to tell you more about
it, but I've got to get going. Scott.

David. David.

Michael. Michael!

Whatever. For once, I want you to look
me in the eye and tell me the truth.

Dharma, we have a saying at the firm
about the truth.

I wish I could share it with you.

It's good that we cleared this up,
because I'm going to be leaving soon.

I've been reassigned.

Oh, really? Oh, so what happens now?

Some sort of stealth helicopter flies
you off to a top -secret base?

Regular helicopter.

Bunch of guts.

Remember me.

Oh, my God, he's just insane.

I'm glad you brought it up, because I
didn't want to be the one to say it.

I can't believe I was such a fool.

You're not a fool.

You're an open, trusting human being.

And that's why I love you.

Thank you.

I still say there's no way he used all
those condoms.

You know, I really don't want to wake
him. He's still in a lot of pain.

Well, Darmody, that's what we wanted to
talk to you about.

Gregory's doctor called us. Why did he
call you? He's an old friend of

We were in the service together.

Well,

anyway, he implied that Gregory's latest
injury was caused

by... How well do you know his friend?

Pete.

Is this about the thing with them in the
closet?

Gregory told you about that?

Oh, yeah.

Well, he was embarrassed, but we don't
keep secrets from each other. I mean,

when I think of some of the things Jane
and I have done... Really?

I don't approve of what he did, but he
had no choice. I just couldn't face the

truth.

So you're telling me that you're fine
with Gregory being... gay?

guys dealing with it?

Oh, well, we're fine with it, of course.
He's our son and we love him.

This sort of thing is very popular from
what I understand.

You know what?

Why don't I go get Greg and let you guys
talk to him?

Would it have killed you to play catch
with the boy?

You were the one that taught him to
dance.

That was one recital and he was
fabulous.

Well, apparently he's still fabulous.

Hey, what's up? Simon said you want to
talk to me.

Edward.

Son.

Do you want to play catch?