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Wouldn't it be great to live in a world
where everything could be settled with a
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00:00:03,960 --> 00:00:06,960
handshake? Hi, I'm Greg Montgomery,
attorney at law.
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Maybe someday it will be that simple.
4
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But until then, if you have a legitimate
legal problem, you need an honest,
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reputable advocate.
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Someone you can trust.
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You may never meet me, but aren't you
glad to know I'm here?
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I know I am. Whoa!
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Let's take it from your last line, Mr.
Montgomery.
10
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And action.
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You may never need me, but aren't you
glad to know I'm here?
12
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Oh, he's not going to do the whole
thing?
13
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But aren't you glad to know I'm here?
14
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I know I am. Oh, did I just say yeah?
15
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I'm hungry. I probably said that because
I think I'm hungry.
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But aren't you glad to know I'm here?
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I know I am.
18
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I know.
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I am.
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Oh, what's the line?
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I am.
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I know I am. Yes! Oh, you didn't say
cut.
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But aren't you glad to know I am here?
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But aren't you glad to know I'm here?
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I'm sorry.
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I'm sorry. I'm sorry. I really am.
27
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but aren't you glad to know I'm here?
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I know I am.
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Yes! Take 26. Nailed it.
30
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Well, uh... What do you think?
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Gregory, how could you do this to me?
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I'm sorry. Exactly what did I do to you?
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I don't even know where to begin.
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I just... Edward?
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Well... We have done everything for you!
We sent you to the finest schools you
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could have been, anything you wanted to
be. And here you are, selling yourself
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on television like some sort of a...
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Magic mop.
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Okay, Dad.
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Well... You see, you've broken your
father's heart.
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Just because he did a commercial?
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I agree with that word.
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Advertising causes desire.
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Desire causes discontent. And discontent
causes suffering.
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Therefore, the cause of all suffering is
advertising.
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And war and disease.
47
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Sorry, Greg, I think you're encouraging
people to litigate the same way gun
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commercials encourage them to shoot each
other. There are no gun commercials.
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Small victory.
50
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And bullets.
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Bullets cause suffering.
52
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Hold on a second. Don't you think I know
that most of the lawyers that advertise
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on television are sleazy ambulance
chasers? But why can't a lawyer with
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00:03:17,400 --> 00:03:19,920
integrity show people that there's
another choice out there?
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So that when someone's being oppressed
by Injustice Larry, they can call me for
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help. And maybe I'll make a little money
doing that, unless there's something
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wrong with the free market system, Dad.
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Well, soon that phone is going to ring,
and at the other end is going to be
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someone who really needs my help and has
nowhere else to turn.
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Okay, maybe not now, but eventually.
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Whoa, freaky.
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Let me.
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Greg Montgomery, attorney at law. How
may I direct your call?
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Please hold. I'll see if he's in.
65
00:04:00,060 --> 00:04:06,920
Thank you for calling. Your call is very
important to us.
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00:04:07,000 --> 00:04:10,420
And will be answered in the order in
which it... Uh, Greg Montgomery,
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at law.
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00:04:12,160 --> 00:04:13,099
Oh, yes.
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The commercial.
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Thank you. Thank you very much.
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How can I help you?
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Dharma, it's for you.
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They want you to be in their commercial.
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Hello?
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Oh, thank you.
76
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Yes, it was my first commercial.
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No, I don't have an agent.
78
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But I do have a lawyer.
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I'm going to have you talk to him.
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They liked my work.
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I can't believe I'm going to be in a
beer commercial.
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Listen, Dharma, we need to talk about
how to handle these negotiations before
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these guys come in.
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Anaconda Ale.
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The being that squeezes the life out of
you.
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Come on, be serious. There's a lot of
money involved here.
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Anaconda Ale.
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Hide your pet.
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Are you done?
90
00:05:08,470 --> 00:05:09,470
Sadly, yes.
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00:05:09,970 --> 00:05:10,970
Okay, now listen.
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When your loved ones say, A .A., reach
for Anaconda Ale.
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Now in family size.
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Done.
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While we're here, I'm not your husband,
I'm your lawyer, which means you have to
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trust me to handle the negotiations.
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I trust you completely. They're going to
want to get you for nothing, and I want
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to get you the best deal possible. So
there might be a lot of back and forth,
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might get a little heated.
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Are you trying to turn me on?
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Let me do the talking. These TV ad guys
can be pretty slick.
102
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Because you are.
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Hi -ya!
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I am so sorry we kept you waiting. It's
my fault. I was on the phone with my
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mom. It's her birthday.
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Pretty slick.
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Hi. I'm Greg Montgomery. This is my
client, Dharma.
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Montgomery. No relation.
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I'm Jay, and this is Adam. This is very
exciting.
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00:06:04,300 --> 00:06:07,360
We have been killing ourselves trying to
find the right woman to be our
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spokesperson. And then yesterday, I
turned on the TV channel 63 or something
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up there, and I saw your commercial. And
that's why you're here. Well...
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Maybe we're here.
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Or maybe we're running late.
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For the sake of argument, let's say
we're here. What exactly would be the
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It's scale payment plus residuals.
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Touching!
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Maybe kaching. Could be kaching. We'll
know when we get here.
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00:06:40,460 --> 00:06:45,060
I think that what my client's saying is
you've made a nice opening offer.
120
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We have our only offer.
121
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Oh, also, we should ask if you're okay
working with a six -foot snake.
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A six -foot snake?
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It keeps getting better and better.
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Excuse us for a moment.
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You're making it difficult for me to
negotiate.
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I would do this for a box of donuts and
a poke in the eye.
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We may not be as far apart as I
initially thought.
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I've been shipwrecked on this island for
three weeks.
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I didn't know anyone else was here.
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That's so.
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What can I get you?
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You wouldn't happen to have an anaconda
ale, would you?
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Coming up.
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Do you have an opener?
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Do.
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Let me know when you're ready for
another.
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Anaconda Ale.
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Hide your path.
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Anaconda Ale.
140
00:08:47,210 --> 00:08:48,109
That's my girl.
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00:08:48,110 --> 00:08:54,110
Excuse me, but what happened to
advertising being the root of all evil?
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evil. My kid's on TV.
143
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So how are you going to spend all that
money?
144
00:08:59,070 --> 00:09:03,070
Well, I'd like to do something for the
community, you know, give something
145
00:09:03,210 --> 00:09:04,290
Good for you. Yeah.
146
00:09:04,590 --> 00:09:06,570
You know that vacant lot down the
street? Yeah.
147
00:09:06,970 --> 00:09:08,210
I'm thinking Ferris wheel.
148
00:09:09,370 --> 00:09:12,970
But first I'm going to pay back the loan
Greg took out for his lot commercial.
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00:09:13,190 --> 00:09:15,150
No, honey, I'll pay back the loan with
the money I earned.
150
00:09:15,580 --> 00:09:18,780
Why don't we pay it back with the money
I earn? Because the money you earn is
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yours.
152
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So what's the money you earn?
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That's ours.
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Okay, I don't want to rock the boat here
because I think I'm getting a pretty
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sweet deal. But can you explain that to
me? Sure, it's simple. The money you
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earn is yours and the money I earn is
ours.
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Wow, it's so much clearer when you
repeat exactly what you just said.
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All I'm saying is that I'd be more
comfortable paying my bills with the
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earn.
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Because I'm a woman? No, no, it has
nothing to do with that. It's just that
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money you earn is your money, and the
money I earn is ours.
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Hey, Pete, that $500 in my savings
account, is that mine or ours?
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That's gone.
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happy with my long distance carrier.
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00:10:29,730 --> 00:10:32,670
No, I'm not interested in a friends and
family package. Frankly, I'm more in
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touch with them than I want to be.
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Let me ask you a question. Do you ever
reach out and smack someone, program?
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It's not chasing if it's parked.
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Hold the door!
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00:11:32,370 --> 00:11:35,310
Hey, I know you. You're the guy from the
law commercial.
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00:11:37,090 --> 00:11:40,530
Good news, I finally got a case.
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00:11:41,150 --> 00:11:44,310
Oh, honey, that's great. If I'd known, I
would have used tongue.
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00:11:45,770 --> 00:11:48,410
Anyway, you know how you say the
universe provides? Well, the universe
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a pothole, and this guy fell in it and
broke his foot.
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And I just happened to be there. I
didn't have to chase him or anything.
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Well, that is good news.
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Anyway, I brought you these. I wanted
you to share in my success.
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These are beautiful.
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I love them.
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00:12:08,140 --> 00:12:10,300
Hey, I have some good news, too.
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I just got my first paycheck from the
commercial.
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00:12:13,900 --> 00:12:18,100
Please tell me you didn't buy a ferris
wheel. Oh, no, that was a crazy talk.
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Those things are pricey.
184
00:12:21,220 --> 00:12:23,260
But I did get a key ball.
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00:12:23,580 --> 00:12:26,420
Pop a shot, whack -a -mole, and one
bumper car. One bumper car?
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00:12:26,980 --> 00:12:28,640
Yeah, I'm not sure how much fun that's
going to be.
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00:12:28,860 --> 00:12:32,060
But I had some money left over, so I
bought you a present.
188
00:12:32,360 --> 00:12:33,600
Oh, honey, you didn't have to do that.
189
00:12:33,980 --> 00:12:35,200
Why not? You bought me these flowers.
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Ta -da!
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00:12:40,460 --> 00:12:42,080
You bought this for me? Uh -huh.
192
00:13:28,959 --> 00:13:31,340
Yeah. Does it have a good picture? I
don't know.
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00:13:32,400 --> 00:13:34,800
What are you waiting for? Let's turn it
on. Let's worship it.
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00:13:43,950 --> 00:13:48,070
Your wife got you a big gift with her
big giant paycheck, and you're afraid
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00:13:48,070 --> 00:13:50,970
if you accept it, then that means you're
no longer a real man.
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00:13:51,190 --> 00:13:52,350
Pete, not now.
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00:13:53,290 --> 00:13:55,210
Listen, buddy, you're thinking about
this all along.
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So you're not a real man. Who cares?
199
00:14:01,990 --> 00:14:02,990
Please go away.
200
00:14:04,230 --> 00:14:07,490
The sweetest two years of my life was
when I was living with that rich old
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00:14:07,490 --> 00:14:12,350
down the marina, eating like a king,
driving around town in her Chrysler
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00:14:12,350 --> 00:14:13,350
Imperial.
203
00:14:13,550 --> 00:14:14,890
She used to buy me little outfits.
204
00:14:16,750 --> 00:14:18,830
It's no big deal. Once a week, you know.
Stop it.
205
00:14:21,250 --> 00:14:23,810
She was a dried up old Gila monster, but
let me tell you something.
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00:14:24,390 --> 00:14:26,630
She did things young gals will not do.
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00:14:43,400 --> 00:14:47,180
you something me and the boys used to
say around the marina she wants it more
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00:14:47,180 --> 00:14:53,100
than once a week you ask for a car in
your name
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00:14:53,100 --> 00:15:00,000
is he like glued to it 24 7 no actually
i don't even think he's
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00:15:00,000 --> 00:15:03,620
turned it on but anyway he's been pretty
distracted with getting his law
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00:15:03,620 --> 00:15:09,320
practice going so i thought these would
help cheer him up what'd you get
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00:15:12,560 --> 00:15:14,000
diagonal penis in their living room.
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00:15:16,460 --> 00:15:17,460
Hey.
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00:15:17,940 --> 00:15:18,939
Where's the new TV?
215
00:15:18,940 --> 00:15:19,940
I returned it.
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00:15:20,360 --> 00:15:21,360
What? Why?
217
00:15:21,520 --> 00:15:22,960
It was way too big for the apartment.
218
00:15:24,320 --> 00:15:28,140
So I'll buy you a smaller big one.
That's okay. I don't need you to buy me
219
00:15:28,700 --> 00:15:29,700
What's that supposed to mean?
220
00:15:29,980 --> 00:15:32,380
It means if I need a TV, I'll go and buy
myself a TV.
221
00:15:34,560 --> 00:15:35,560
Jane, I think you better go.
222
00:15:45,260 --> 00:15:49,700
make a big deal out of this. It's just a
TV. That I bought because I love you.
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00:15:49,720 --> 00:15:54,000
And I thank you very much for it, but I
got you a complete refund, so now you
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00:15:54,000 --> 00:15:55,060
can spend that money on yourself.
225
00:15:55,300 --> 00:15:59,080
I don't want a refund. I want to spend
the money on you. And I don't want you
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00:15:59,080 --> 00:16:01,640
to, so let's just drop it. No, I'm not
gonna drop it.
227
00:16:02,320 --> 00:16:05,540
What about all the presents you bought
for me? Oh, should I go return these
228
00:16:05,540 --> 00:16:08,160
earrings and get a refund? If you're
gonna be childish, we can't have this
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00:16:08,160 --> 00:16:09,160
company. Childish?
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00:16:20,240 --> 00:16:21,240
I'm just mean
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00:16:55,540 --> 00:17:01,820
No. Listen, this isn't about the TV. The
TV is just a symbol of
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another issue or issues.
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00:17:08,440 --> 00:17:09,440
Okay.
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00:17:14,680 --> 00:17:17,099
For the first time in my life, I'm
failing.
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00:17:29,800 --> 00:17:35,260
the money from the trust fund and i've
fallen flat on my face you know the
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00:17:35,260 --> 00:17:39,480
commercial was a stupid idea the the
only client i have i actually did have
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00:17:39,480 --> 00:17:46,440
chase because the ambulance started to
pull away why didn't you
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00:17:46,440 --> 00:17:52,020
tell me any of this because um things
were going so well for you i didn't want
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00:17:52,020 --> 00:17:56,960
to bring you down and i didn't want you
to think you were married to a loser oh
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00:17:56,960 --> 00:17:58,760
you stupid stupid mole
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Thank you for letting me.
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00:18:27,270 --> 00:18:29,990
I can't believe you bought all this
stuff.
243
00:18:30,650 --> 00:18:33,170
Well, enjoy it while you can. Tomorrow
it's gone.
244
00:18:33,430 --> 00:18:36,450
Why? I'm trading it all in for a used
tilt -a -whirl.
245
00:18:40,490 --> 00:18:43,510
I can't tell you how relieved I am that
we got all this out in the open.
246
00:18:43,710 --> 00:18:44,710
Me too.
247
00:18:44,750 --> 00:18:47,690
So you're fine with me having them bring
the TV back? Oh, God, no.
248
00:18:52,330 --> 00:18:53,750
Your money is your money.
249
00:18:54,270 --> 00:18:56,970
And my money is our money.
250
00:18:57,710 --> 00:18:59,950
I really am getting this now.
251
00:19:01,010 --> 00:19:02,270
It's supposed to be dumb.
252
00:19:04,050 --> 00:19:05,710
Thanks for understanding. You're
welcome.
253
00:19:06,470 --> 00:19:08,690
Oh, excuse me. Can I have the check,
please? What are you doing?
254
00:19:09,030 --> 00:19:10,030
Baby steps.
255
00:19:10,130 --> 00:19:15,270
I'm using a small piece of my money as
our money. No, this is my way of
256
00:19:15,270 --> 00:19:19,610
apologizing. I'll buy dinner. If you
really want to apologize, you'll let me
257
00:19:19,610 --> 00:19:20,610
you dinner.
258
00:19:21,640 --> 00:19:25,400
I don't see how this is any step towards
anything because I have no problem with
259
00:19:25,400 --> 00:19:27,100
you buying me dinner. It's just, you
know, dinner.
260
00:19:27,340 --> 00:19:28,319
Good.
261
00:19:28,320 --> 00:19:29,320
I'll take that when you're ready.
262
00:19:35,840 --> 00:19:37,820
Don't you give me your card and I'll put
it in here so we can see it. Don't
263
00:19:37,820 --> 00:19:38,820
touch that check.
264
00:20:31,000 --> 00:20:34,560
We have a birthday!
265
00:20:39,340 --> 00:20:40,340
No way.
266
00:20:43,040 --> 00:20:44,200
It's not my birthday.
267
00:20:44,980 --> 00:20:46,600
My wife is buying me dinner.
268
00:20:47,100 --> 00:20:48,100
Baby steps.
269
00:20:48,120 --> 00:20:49,120
No big deal.
270
00:20:49,580 --> 00:20:52,480
And if we're fine with it, we certainly
don't owe you people an explanation.
271
00:20:52,800 --> 00:20:53,800
Let's go, honey.
272
00:20:54,480 --> 00:20:57,840
We're going now. That's a decision she's
made, and I'm okay with it.
273
00:20:59,060 --> 00:21:00,060
Really.
274
00:21:01,380 --> 00:21:04,260
I think you handled that very well.
Thank you.
275
00:21:08,180 --> 00:21:10,220
Hey, you think dinner's free?
276
00:21:13,040 --> 00:21:16,980
Let me know when you're ready for
another.
277
00:21:17,260 --> 00:21:19,480
Let me know when... and you're ready for
another.
278
00:21:25,500 --> 00:21:28,500
I swear he's crawling into my pants.
Yeah, he's up there.
22415
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