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Hello?
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Anybody home?
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Party was at 8, right?
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Fuck so.
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00:00:11,350 --> 00:00:12,350
Kitty?
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Quiet. No shouting.
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You'll wake it.
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Wake what?
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Demon.
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00:00:21,290 --> 00:00:23,210
Oh, demon, demon, demon.
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She means your mother.
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I finally got her to sleep.
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What about the party? Where are the
other guests?
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They're on their way. Where's my father?
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In the garage in the Mercedes.
16
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Why? Because it's bulletproof.
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Celia!
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She's alive.
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00:00:47,740 --> 00:00:48,740
What do you think?
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00:00:49,420 --> 00:00:51,860
Well, I think one of us should go talk
to your dad.
21
00:00:52,920 --> 00:00:54,960
Ed, I think you should go talk to your
mom.
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00:00:55,620 --> 00:00:57,280
I know what you just did. Me too.
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00:00:57,680 --> 00:00:58,680
Go with God.
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00:01:00,100 --> 00:01:02,590
What? What do you get when you kiss a
guy?
25
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You get enough germs to catch pneumonia.
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00:01:05,450 --> 00:01:08,310
Then when you do, he'll never phone you.
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00:01:08,750 --> 00:01:11,390
Never fall in love again.
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Oh, hi, Dharma.
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How are you? Pretty good.
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00:01:19,370 --> 00:01:20,630
What you doing out here?
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Oh, listening to the radio, reading my
owner's manual.
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What else is new?
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Well, your mother -in -law is going
through women trouble.
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I see.
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Regular, ordinary women trouble?
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No, no, no, no. I think this might be
the big one.
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I think she's going through menopause.
Like Sherman through Atlanta.
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is good for both of you. No more worries
about birth control. And you can be as
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spontaneous and loving as you want.
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You should be celebrating, not hiding.
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I thought she might be able to help you.
Help me with what?
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I'm a certified menstrual termination
counselor.
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Excuse me? She took a course at the
Goddess Institute.
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It was part of their midwife to midlife
program.
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00:03:16,190 --> 00:03:22,170
Anyway, Kitty, I'm an expert, and I can
love and guide you through this mystical
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transition. At no charge, of course.
We're family. Oh, that's very sweet of
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Abby, dear, but there's no problem here.
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Okay.
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Well, this was a good first session.
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And if you need me, call me.
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Okay, let's go, Dharma.
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That's it. I know what I'm doing. Okay,
bye -bye.
53
00:03:41,060 --> 00:03:42,060
Hang in there, kitty.
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Fine, go, go, go, go, go. Everybody
leaves.
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00:03:50,140 --> 00:03:53,420
Oh, this wasn't supposed to happen to
me.
56
00:04:01,420 --> 00:04:03,340
And now you're a beautiful woman.
57
00:04:03,600 --> 00:04:04,600
No, you don't understand.
58
00:04:05,180 --> 00:04:06,980
You don't understand. I was stunning.
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00:04:07,200 --> 00:04:10,820
I was drop dead. Leave your wife
gorgeous.
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00:04:11,900 --> 00:04:13,700
Look, look, look, look, look, look,
look.
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00:04:14,540 --> 00:04:15,660
Ballet, cotillion.
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00:04:16,019 --> 00:04:20,279
Ah, here I am. Look at my skin
glistening as I'm riding Prince Rupert.
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00:04:30,670 --> 00:04:32,430
Toledo Bath and Tennis Club pageant.
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00:04:32,850 --> 00:04:35,750
Hey, second place. Good for you, Kitty.
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00:04:37,330 --> 00:04:38,330
What's that?
66
00:04:38,490 --> 00:04:39,490
Well,
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00:04:40,130 --> 00:04:42,010
that's young Miss Newport Beach.
68
00:04:42,430 --> 00:04:43,690
Second place again.
69
00:04:45,110 --> 00:04:46,670
Oh, what about that?
70
00:04:47,190 --> 00:04:48,570
Oh, Santa Barbara.
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00:04:48,910 --> 00:04:50,310
Miss Congeniality.
72
00:04:50,690 --> 00:04:51,690
You're kidding.
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00:04:55,030 --> 00:04:59,490
All these contests, I never won any of
them. Oh, but Kitty, you've gained.
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00:05:00,120 --> 00:05:03,980
Wisdom and experience and every bit of
it shows on your face.
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00:05:04,480 --> 00:05:06,860
Hey, look at this one.
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00:05:07,560 --> 00:05:09,680
Here you are with the first place
trophy.
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00:05:10,040 --> 00:05:12,080
Where? Right there at the pretty yellow
lab.
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00:05:12,560 --> 00:05:13,980
No, that's the dog's trophy.
79
00:05:14,720 --> 00:05:18,360
Yeah, she was best of show at
Westminster, blah, blah, blah.
80
00:05:19,160 --> 00:05:21,700
Well, at least she let you hold it.
81
00:05:22,800 --> 00:05:25,300
And you know what came with that trophy?
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A rawhide tiara?
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00:05:36,080 --> 00:05:41,740
To be a beauty queen, I just... Of
course you do, but Kitty, wouldn't it be
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fulfilling if you threw off the shackles
of estrogen enslavement and took your
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rightful place as an elder of the tribe?
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00:05:51,040 --> 00:05:53,540
I said I want to be a beauty queen!
87
00:05:55,360 --> 00:05:56,360
Mrs.
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San Francisco, huh?
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00:05:59,400 --> 00:06:02,380
It's the only beauty contest for a woman
her age where she doesn't need a Harley
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or a stump.
91
00:06:05,390 --> 00:06:06,390
Come on, Pete. Let's get going.
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00:06:06,690 --> 00:06:07,810
See you later. Bye.
93
00:06:08,830 --> 00:06:09,830
Okay,
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00:06:10,090 --> 00:06:11,090
good. Well, this is the one we'll do.
95
00:06:11,530 --> 00:06:12,530
What are they doing?
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Mrs. DeFrisco Pageant celebrates the
beauty and sophistication of the mature
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married woman.
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You can't enter my mother in a beauty
contest.
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00:06:22,090 --> 00:06:24,610
It's her dream. Well, it's my nightmare.
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00:06:25,890 --> 00:06:28,310
Fine. You call her and tell her she
can't enter.
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00:06:29,870 --> 00:06:31,930
Well, what exactly would she have to be
doing?
102
00:06:32,830 --> 00:06:34,150
Jane. A piece of cake.
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sing a song, save the world, boom,
beauty contest.
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00:06:39,120 --> 00:06:42,780
If I can do it, anybody can do it. I'm
not going to have to look at my mother
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a bathing suit and high heels, am I?
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00:06:44,940 --> 00:06:46,800
Not unless you ask a nice.
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I have to go now.
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00:06:51,020 --> 00:06:56,300
Come on, Pete. This is sweet. The
contestant's husband reads a love poem
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the evening gown competition.
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What do you mean, if I can do it,
anybody can do it? You didn't tell Pete
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00:07:01,820 --> 00:07:03,400
won a bunch of teen beauty pageants?
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Excuse me, I have to take Mr.
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Montgomery his lunch.
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You're letting in a draft.
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Sorry.
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Oh, hot.
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What are you trying to do in here? Cure
a ham?
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I had a chill.
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00:07:48,480 --> 00:07:49,600
What are you writing?
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Revising Edward's will.
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What can I do for you?
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Well, um, remember how you said you
always wanted to be a beauty queen?
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No.
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Kitty.
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00:08:03,840 --> 00:08:08,240
Oh, I remember Miss Congeniality. the
yellow Labrador, your daddy's love.
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00:08:08,660 --> 00:08:09,660
Oh, yes.
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00:08:10,300 --> 00:08:13,180
Well, I found the perfect pageant for
you.
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Mrs. San Francisco?
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Is this a pageant for older women?
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No.
131
00:08:20,960 --> 00:08:22,360
No, it's not.
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00:08:22,580 --> 00:08:25,840
It's for married women of all ages over
50.
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00:08:28,100 --> 00:08:32,280
Over 50? You know what? This was a bad
idea. Thought up by a bad person. You
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00:08:32,280 --> 00:08:33,280
remember Jane.
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00:08:35,789 --> 00:08:37,990
Conceivably, I would be the youngest
contestant.
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00:08:39,090 --> 00:08:40,830
Not conceivably, definitely.
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Surrounded by a bunch of old biddies.
Which would be bad. And I told Jane that
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you would... I love it. I knew you
would!
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So let us get cracking.
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I will need a dress, a talent, a
philosophy of life.
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00:08:58,890 --> 00:09:01,190
Come, Dharma, you have work to do.
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00:09:04,110 --> 00:09:05,530
I'm on the kiddie coaster now.
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00:09:12,730 --> 00:09:13,730
Aren't you coming to bed?
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00:09:15,990 --> 00:09:18,610
Soon as I finish your mom's homemade
dress.
145
00:09:19,970 --> 00:09:23,010
I thought contestants had to make their
own dresses. So did I.
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00:09:25,350 --> 00:09:27,270
Hey, do you happen to know your mother's
cup size?
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00:09:30,390 --> 00:09:33,170
No, but if I did, I'm pretty sure I'd
have to kill myself. Good night.
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00:09:37,260 --> 00:09:41,260
No, this is just terrific. If it could
be exactly like this, except lose the
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00:09:41,260 --> 00:09:45,980
sleeves, not so poofy, and what do we
think of the color?
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00:09:48,040 --> 00:09:51,600
Well, I guess we don't like it, even
though we picked it out.
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00:09:52,260 --> 00:09:56,640
Good. Now, I've decided on my talent,
tap dancing. Will it be difficult to put
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taps on these shoes?
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00:09:57,900 --> 00:10:01,240
Uh, well, yeah, sort of. Then you better
get started, because I need them by the
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00:10:01,240 --> 00:10:02,240
morning.
155
00:10:37,710 --> 00:10:39,150
The lines of this are just perfect.
156
00:10:39,430 --> 00:10:41,590
There's a little too much activity back
here.
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00:10:43,050 --> 00:10:45,550
And what do we think of the color?
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00:10:49,230 --> 00:10:50,230
We hate it.
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00:10:51,290 --> 00:10:52,450
You read my mind.
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00:10:53,790 --> 00:10:55,870
Now, I've been thinking about the tap
dancing.
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How's that going?
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00:10:57,190 --> 00:10:58,250
I don't care for it.
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00:10:59,470 --> 00:11:02,130
I was thinking that I used to play the
harp.
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00:11:02,430 --> 00:11:04,750
The harp, you say? The harp.
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00:11:37,710 --> 00:11:39,490
We're going to try flower arranging.
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00:11:43,070 --> 00:11:44,070
Okay.
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00:11:49,970 --> 00:11:54,330
I owe a really big favor to a clown
friend of mine, but here you go.
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00:11:55,510 --> 00:11:57,330
Take it back, dumb. Why?
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00:11:57,850 --> 00:12:01,930
This whole pageant thing. It's just too
much work. I am exhausted.
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00:12:06,760 --> 00:12:08,200
What kind of favor a clown asks for?
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00:12:09,580 --> 00:12:12,300
Well, I'm sorry, but it's just too much
for me. I'm going to withdraw.
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00:12:12,980 --> 00:12:13,980
What?
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00:12:14,540 --> 00:12:15,960
You can't do that.
174
00:12:16,200 --> 00:12:17,099
Why not?
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00:12:17,100 --> 00:12:18,100
Why not?
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00:12:18,940 --> 00:12:25,700
Kitty, I have sewn for you. I have
schlepped for you. I have
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00:12:25,700 --> 00:12:30,960
cobbled for you. You damn near poked my
eye out. And I'm getting a seamstress
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00:12:30,960 --> 00:12:31,960
hump.
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00:12:32,160 --> 00:12:33,160
And this.
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00:12:33,200 --> 00:12:34,220
Kitty, do you see that?
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00:12:34,960 --> 00:12:37,900
I wonder how you get that. Do you know
how you get that, Kitty? Do you know how
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00:12:37,900 --> 00:12:38,479
you get that?
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00:12:38,480 --> 00:12:39,580
A harp has to fall on you!
184
00:12:40,500 --> 00:12:41,500
But you know what?
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00:12:42,180 --> 00:12:45,460
I don't mind all of that because I
wasn't doing it for myself.
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00:12:45,900 --> 00:12:48,400
I was doing it for you, Kitty.
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00:12:49,180 --> 00:12:53,700
This is your dream and you deserve to go
out there and live it! But, uh... Don't
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00:12:53,700 --> 00:12:57,040
fuck me! You get your second place ass
on that unicycle and start juggling.
189
00:13:04,820 --> 00:13:07,740
unless there are other people on stage
for her to be clever with.
190
00:13:08,060 --> 00:13:10,740
She's just some nut standing there
talking to herself.
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00:13:12,040 --> 00:13:13,040
We'll check into it.
192
00:13:15,600 --> 00:13:20,020
What are you people doing sitting
around? Come on, this is D -Day. This is
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00:13:20,020 --> 00:13:21,740
drill. You told us we were in the way.
194
00:13:21,940 --> 00:13:23,480
And I'm about to tell you again.
195
00:13:24,240 --> 00:13:25,240
Where's your father?
196
00:13:25,600 --> 00:13:26,700
Probably in the car.
197
00:13:27,060 --> 00:13:29,460
Well, did he finish the poem he's
supposed to read during the evening gown
198
00:13:29,460 --> 00:13:30,760
competition? I don't know.
199
00:13:32,120 --> 00:13:33,520
What, is this a game to you?
200
00:13:35,020 --> 00:13:37,160
Well, if it is, it isn't a very fun one.
201
00:13:38,320 --> 00:13:41,760
I'm sorry you're not having a good time,
but unless all the horses are pulling
202
00:13:41,760 --> 00:13:44,480
in the same direction, I'm never going
to win this thing. What do you mean by
203
00:13:44,480 --> 00:13:45,500
I'm never going to win?
204
00:13:45,800 --> 00:13:47,200
I mean your mother.
205
00:13:47,660 --> 00:13:50,240
Kitty, I, me, I couldn't care less.
206
00:13:51,420 --> 00:13:53,580
Take a last look before I load her in
the car.
207
00:13:55,260 --> 00:13:59,800
Oh, my God, her eyes are all puffy. Did
you let her have salt?
208
00:14:00,000 --> 00:14:03,020
She had a bag of pretzels taped to the
back of the toilet tank.
209
00:14:05,160 --> 00:14:08,160
put them there. They must have been
Edward's. You know, I don't think you
210
00:14:08,160 --> 00:14:12,820
to win. I do, I do, I do. Well, winners
don't eat things that they find taped to
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00:14:12,820 --> 00:14:14,160
the back of toilet tanks.
212
00:14:15,760 --> 00:14:19,620
Now, Jane, go slap a couple of tea bags
under those eyes, and you two, go find
213
00:14:19,620 --> 00:14:22,500
Edward and hold him upside down until a
poem falls out of him.
214
00:14:23,580 --> 00:14:25,740
Mother, I think you look beautiful.
215
00:14:26,100 --> 00:14:27,100
Thank you.
216
00:14:28,060 --> 00:14:29,140
Did you not hear me?
217
00:14:31,480 --> 00:14:32,980
You married your mother.
218
00:14:36,400 --> 00:14:38,540
You've had three weeks to write this
thing.
219
00:14:38,800 --> 00:14:40,460
But what's wrong with it? It rhymes.
220
00:14:41,400 --> 00:14:45,280
Roses are red, violets are pretty, the
gal in the dress is my wife's kitty.
221
00:14:47,600 --> 00:14:48,900
You got a gift, Ed.
222
00:14:49,460 --> 00:14:51,200
It was easy once I got to pretty.
223
00:14:53,460 --> 00:14:58,960
And Tupac's compassion garnished with a
sprig of generosity.
224
00:14:59,580 --> 00:15:03,140
And that, Gary, is my recipe for a
better world.
225
00:15:03,630 --> 00:15:06,350
Well, that's a spoon that I'd like to
lick.
226
00:15:07,830 --> 00:15:09,490
Well, thank you, Mrs. Kitty Montgomery.
227
00:15:11,930 --> 00:15:16,210
I'd like to suggest that this is Elaine
Barclay's. Oh, the thrill of
228
00:15:16,210 --> 00:15:18,230
competition. Wasn't I wonderful?
229
00:15:19,030 --> 00:15:20,730
I was very, very confident.
230
00:15:21,030 --> 00:15:24,650
Yeah, that was all good. I think you
strayed a little bit from our speech.
231
00:15:25,370 --> 00:15:29,230
It's choppy as I was ad -libbing. The
judges may have been confused when you
232
00:15:29,230 --> 00:15:32,550
-libbed the phrase Catholics and other
people of color.
233
00:15:34,250 --> 00:15:36,690
Really? I thought that was rather
neutral.
234
00:15:37,750 --> 00:15:40,630
Okay, let's not dwell on it. I think we
still have a really good shot to win
235
00:15:40,630 --> 00:15:41,289
this thing.
236
00:15:41,290 --> 00:15:42,950
And now, Mr. Francis Weber.
237
00:15:43,430 --> 00:15:44,430
What's up, Ginger?
238
00:15:49,090 --> 00:15:50,049
We're dead.
239
00:15:50,050 --> 00:15:51,050
Hard as a cock.
240
00:15:57,580 --> 00:15:59,280
Come on, Dad, you've got to write this
poem.
241
00:16:00,240 --> 00:16:02,340
I'm sorry, I just don't know what to
say.
242
00:16:02,620 --> 00:16:05,080
Okay, when you first met Mother, what
were you thinking?
243
00:16:05,920 --> 00:16:07,280
Exactly, what was I thinking?
244
00:16:09,040 --> 00:16:10,900
I mean, what did you think of her?
245
00:16:11,140 --> 00:16:16,240
Well, I... I thought she was kind of
stacked for a skinny girl.
246
00:16:18,580 --> 00:16:21,320
What is she, about a B cup? C cup. Oh,
please.
247
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Sorry, I came here to support Kitty, but
I just couldn't watch that exploitation
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of women one second longer.
249
00:16:31,140 --> 00:16:31,939
I agree.
250
00:16:31,940 --> 00:16:34,640
It's different when you have the young
ones in bathing suits.
251
00:16:35,540 --> 00:16:36,680
Larry, that's worse.
252
00:16:37,040 --> 00:16:38,040
Yes, it is.
253
00:16:38,080 --> 00:16:39,080
Worse than different.
254
00:16:42,440 --> 00:16:47,400
Well, I agree with Abby. Kitty doesn't
need to traipse up and down a stage to
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00:16:47,400 --> 00:16:50,720
prove how beautiful she is. She's
beautiful every moment of the day.
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00:16:51,080 --> 00:16:54,200
In the morning when she's sipping her
tea in the garden.
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00:16:55,270 --> 00:16:56,109
Don't stop.
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00:16:56,110 --> 00:16:57,630
Tell us more. Write down everything.
259
00:16:57,870 --> 00:16:58,789
Got it.
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00:16:58,790 --> 00:17:03,070
Sometimes when I look at Kitty, I can't
believe how lucky I am to be married to
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00:17:03,070 --> 00:17:03,989
such an angel.
262
00:17:03,990 --> 00:17:07,450
I hope you're getting all this down. I'm
on top of it. So many wonderful
263
00:17:07,450 --> 00:17:10,650
moments. Don't miss a word. He's half in
the bag and he'll never remember it.
264
00:17:13,250 --> 00:17:15,130
My heart is full.
265
00:17:16,329 --> 00:17:22,890
That's why I'm sharing these words of
love for my dear wife, Sharon.
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00:17:26,920 --> 00:17:30,780
and gentlemen. Thank you so very much.
That is a good one.
267
00:17:31,920 --> 00:17:34,020
Hey, you have your poem.
268
00:17:34,240 --> 00:17:35,240
Larry.
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00:17:36,420 --> 00:17:37,760
Jane, Jane, that's the link.
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00:17:38,100 --> 00:17:39,760
And now, Mrs.
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00:17:39,980 --> 00:17:43,860
Kitty Montgomery and a poem written by
her husband Edward. Okay, okay, okay.
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00:17:43,960 --> 00:17:46,120
Who's the queen? I'm the queen. Who's
got the power?
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00:17:46,320 --> 00:17:47,320
I've got the power.
274
00:17:49,540 --> 00:17:56,220
Sometimes when I look at Kitty, I can't
believe how lucky I am.
275
00:17:56,650 --> 00:17:58,430
To be married to such an angel.
276
00:17:59,130 --> 00:18:01,190
I hope you're getting all this down.
277
00:18:02,330 --> 00:18:03,670
I'm on top of it.
278
00:18:05,910 --> 00:18:07,890
So many wonderful moments.
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00:18:08,390 --> 00:18:09,470
Don't miss a word.
280
00:18:09,950 --> 00:18:12,590
He's half in the bag, he'll never
remember it.
281
00:18:14,150 --> 00:18:16,190
Like the day I first saw her.
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00:18:16,850 --> 00:18:20,210
Shouldn't we go back in there and watch
Grannies on Parade?
283
00:18:23,590 --> 00:18:24,910
Hey, that's not nice.
284
00:18:25,450 --> 00:18:26,450
But it's true.
285
00:18:27,270 --> 00:18:29,750
Who ordered the Jägermeister? I did.
286
00:18:30,590 --> 00:18:33,390
Oh, Larry, are you going to drink?
287
00:18:36,730 --> 00:18:37,750
No, thanks.
288
00:18:38,250 --> 00:18:39,590
Nuts, give me gas.
289
00:18:45,310 --> 00:18:46,310
It's over.
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00:18:47,030 --> 00:18:51,830
Maybe not.
291
00:18:53,830 --> 00:18:58,620
Hey, now. Finally, in our talent
competition this evening, a woman whose
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00:18:58,620 --> 00:19:00,840
has been an inspiration to all of us
this evening,
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00:19:01,580 --> 00:19:06,000
Mrs. Frances Weber will now sing Looking
Through the Eyes of Love while
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00:19:06,000 --> 00:19:12,960
assigning the words for the benefit of
her hearing -impaired adopted Cambodian
295
00:19:12,960 --> 00:19:13,960
daughter.
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00:19:20,920 --> 00:19:22,040
It's everything.
297
00:19:24,300 --> 00:19:25,300
What are you doing?
298
00:19:25,540 --> 00:19:26,540
Exposing a fraud.
299
00:19:27,940 --> 00:19:29,220
I can't pee.
300
00:19:30,240 --> 00:19:37,220
What the hell is she doing? I don't
know. I hardly ever
301
00:19:37,220 --> 00:19:38,220
know.
302
00:19:39,700 --> 00:19:42,420
Oh, come on, lady. You can see me.
303
00:19:43,200 --> 00:19:46,140
What's going on? Okay, I'm sorry to
interrupt, Mr. Patrick, but I saw this
304
00:19:46,140 --> 00:19:47,660
putting makeup on in the mirror.
305
00:19:48,180 --> 00:19:50,240
Pretending to be blind, lady, is not a
talent.
306
00:19:50,860 --> 00:19:52,400
Who are you?
307
00:19:53,960 --> 00:19:55,200
you doing this to my sister?
308
00:19:57,260 --> 00:20:00,460
Sister? Yes, my sister, my blind sister.
309
00:20:02,260 --> 00:20:04,640
Please get off the stage.
310
00:20:05,500 --> 00:20:08,600
Can I just explain one second? Actually,
it's a very funny story.
311
00:20:08,880 --> 00:20:10,000
Hit the road, Blondie.
312
00:20:12,020 --> 00:20:16,360
If anybody wants to hear a really funny
story, meet me in the lobby.
313
00:20:19,860 --> 00:20:21,660
Don't worry, your mommy's gonna win.
314
00:20:24,840 --> 00:20:27,140
Don't beat yourself up, Kitty. We'll get
him next year.
315
00:20:31,540 --> 00:20:36,500
Kitty, I'm sorry about that business
with the poem. Oh, that's all right,
316
00:20:36,580 --> 00:20:37,580
Edward.
317
00:20:37,700 --> 00:20:40,360
Abby told me the lovely things you said
about me in the bar.
318
00:20:40,900 --> 00:20:41,900
Well, she did.
319
00:20:42,800 --> 00:20:44,560
Well, I meant every word.
320
00:20:45,020 --> 00:20:46,280
I'm sorry you didn't win.
321
00:20:46,520 --> 00:20:47,900
I would have voted for you.
322
00:20:48,500 --> 00:20:50,300
That's very sweet of you, Edward. Thank
you.
323
00:20:51,620 --> 00:20:54,080
Well, it's getting late. Yes, we'd
better turn in.
324
00:20:54,570 --> 00:20:55,570
Good night, Edward.
325
00:20:56,870 --> 00:20:57,870
Good night, kitten.
326
00:21:03,430 --> 00:21:08,130
Oh, you look absolutely beautiful.
327
00:21:08,750 --> 00:21:09,669
And you?
328
00:21:09,670 --> 00:21:10,670
You have lost weight.
329
00:21:11,390 --> 00:21:12,269
He's divorced.
330
00:21:12,270 --> 00:21:16,150
I absolutely know it, Bishop. The
Duchess... Please, come. I want you to
331
00:21:16,150 --> 00:21:17,310
her. No, no, no, no. I insist.
332
00:21:17,570 --> 00:21:19,530
Duke, darling, I want you to meet her.
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00:21:20,050 --> 00:21:21,950
She's from Detroit. Don't hold it
against her.
25659
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