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The Dean Martin Celebrity Rose comes to
you from the fabulous MGM Grand Hotel in
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the entertainment capital of the world,
Las Vegas, Nevada.
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Ladies and gentlemen, from the
beautiful, world -famous Celebrity Room,
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tonight's star -studded rose has brought
together some truly great entertainers.
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Join Dean Martin as he honors tonight's
very special man of the year.
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Mr. T.
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With tonight's guests, Bob Holt, Gerd
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Kapar, Don Rickles, Gary Coleman, Nell
Carter,
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Ann Jillian, Gavin McCloud,
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Ricky Schroeder, Howard Cosell, Rick
Little, Maureen
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Murphy.
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Red Button, Ditchon, Slappy White, and
your Roastmaster,
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Dean Martin.
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With tonight's Man of the Year, Mr.
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T!
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Well, tonight we're all gathered here at
the beautiful MGM Hotel in Las Vegas to
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pay tribute to one of television's most
popular and dynamic personalities.
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From the A -team, Mr. T.
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On these roasts, we generally
acknowledge people who have made it to
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Well, Mr.
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T sure qualifies on that score.
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He's a star.
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And his show is always up there in the
top two or three.
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Mr. T is a very compassionate man and a
real hero to kids.
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And he always brings them a message of
hope.
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He's tough. He's tender.
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He's terrific.
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Get a load of the size of this guy.
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I'm not going to mess with him.
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He can wrestle. He can fight.
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And he's also a master of karate.
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I know you've got a black belt, but...
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Why do you have to wear it on your head?
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He's not getting up, is he?
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Is he getting up?
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Not getting up, is he? Our guest of
honor, a really success story. He was
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in Chicago and came from a very large
family.
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His mother had 11 children.
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He was four of them.
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Winning Mr. T is tough.
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His brother once ran off and married a
tractor.
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He's a great believer in clean living.
He doesn't smoke, he doesn't drink, and
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he doesn't party. No wonder he's so
mean.
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But we've got to give him credit. He
came a long way.
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Today he owns two homes, one in Beverly
Hills, one at the beach, and he has two
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Volkswagens, one for each foot.
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There's a little hunk of dynamite on
television whose comedy hit Different
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Strokes has been making millions of
viewers happy for a long time.
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Ladies and gentlemen, the dynamic, the
delightful, Mr. Gary Coleman.
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When I received my invitation to come
here tonight, I got real excited.
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Because since I started watching A
-Team, Mr. T has been my idol.
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So much so that I'm not waiting until
I'm all grown up to be like him.
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I'm going to be like him right now.
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The pocket size.
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Yes, sir.
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Mr. C is going to be just as bad as Mr.
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T. That's what I told my mother at
breakfast this morning when she brought
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that oatmeal.
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I said, take it back.
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I'm tough.
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I want my oatmeal with lunch.
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Even at school, when the teacher asked
me to wash the blackboard, I said, what
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for? The more I wash it, the blacker it
gets.
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That's why I run my own life like you
do.
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I don't listen to nobody.
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No way, no time, no how.
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Take that drink out your hand and pay
attention to what I'm saying.
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I just want to be a big man like you.
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Ladies and gentlemen, A.
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Jillian.
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What muscles? I mean, the man has
muscles on his muscles.
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Nancy Reagan sat on his lap and bruised
her dress.
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team is so violent that NBC had to put
on Saint Elsewhere just to handle the
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casualties.
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But, Mr. T, you know, you must be doing
something right because your show is a
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great success.
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Week in and week out your band of
vigilantes blow up buildings, highways,
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bridges. Why, I just read where Russia
wants to sign a separate peace treaty
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with the A -Team.
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And, Mr. T, you know, every time I watch
your show, there you are.
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Running your car up on a sidewalk,
knocking over fire hydrants, crashing
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store windows, and for this they pay you
huge sums of money.
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Gee, I feel sorry for the New York
cabbies. They do the same thing for
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But I know, Mr. T, that your famous
scowl and your intimidating image is all
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play acting.
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Inside that hulking, muscular body,
there's a little boy just waiting to
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out and beat up on Gary Coleman.
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with the red button.
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Yeah.
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Ladies and gentlemen, I'm with the B
team.
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I'm here tonight to ask one question.
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And one question alone.
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Why?
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Why are we giving this man a dinner and
some of the biggest people?
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In the history of the world.
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Never got a dinner.
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Adam.
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Adam who said to Eve in the Garden of
Eden, what do you mean you got nothing
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wear?
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Never got a dinner.
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Noah who said to his travel agent, how
come it never rains on Love Boat?
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Christopher, who said, where can I buy a
Frank Sinatra medal?
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Sitting Bull, who said to General
Custer, that's not my real name, but
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going to listen to an Indian chief named
Iving?
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Elizabeth Taylor, who said to Joan
Rivers, first we'll eat, then we'll
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said when he delivered Mr.
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T. He slapped me.
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Never.
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Never.
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Never does it.
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Michelangelo's girlfriend who said to
Angelo, forget the paint. Let's put a
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mirror on the ceiling.
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who said on their honeymoon, this is
your third blooper tonight?
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One of the highlights of any roast is
the appearance of the man of a thousand
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voices.
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They shall hear you.
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And he's the greatest.
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And I'm talking about the greatest
impressionist who always makes a great
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impression. Ladies and gentlemen, Mr.
Rich Little.
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It's amazing how many celebrities are
aware of Mr.
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T's popularity.
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For instance...
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President Ronald Reagan.
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Well, I'm delighted to
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be here tonight.
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The last time that I saw Mr.
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T, he was playing Santa Claus at the
White House, if you'll pardon the
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expression.
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You know, I must admit that when I saw
Nancy sitting in his lap,
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I was a bit upset.
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As a matter of fact, I turned to what's
-his -name, the vice president.
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Another personality that's aware of Mr.
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T is Mr.
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John Houseman.
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My name is John Houseman, actor,
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producer,
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and hamburger salesman.
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It's the first time that I've ever met
Mr. T before
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in my life.
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However,
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I did have a chance last week to watch
his acting techniques
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on the A -Team.
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I've come to the conclusion that the man
makes money the old -fashioned way.
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Deals.
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Rodney Dangerfield is aware of Mr.
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T.
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Hey, hey, what a crowd, what a crowd.
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I got no respect, you know what I mean?
No respect.
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Do you know I was the first choice to
play Mr. T in the A -Team?
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I went to the director and I said, hey,
I'm the toughest guy in Hollywood.
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First day on the set, I crushed 2 ,000
pounds of steel with my bare hands.
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I drove the director's car into a stone
wall.
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No respect.
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When they asked me to blow up a bus,
blow up a bus, I burnt my lips on the
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exhaust pipe.
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Fine.
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I would like to call on probably my
favorite performer of all time, Kermit
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Frog.
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Wait a second.
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Wait a second here.
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Rich. How are you going to read the cue
cards if you're standing like that?
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Never mind. I'll read them for you.
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Hi. I'll read them for you, too, Gene.
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Green eyes for red eyes.
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That's the key.
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Gosh, look at the size of this guy.
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You sure you don't sell shade for a
living?
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Would you stand up here a second? Just
stand up here a second.
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Wait.
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Listen, Miss Piggy was going to be here
tonight, but she's a little upset with
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you.
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See, you stole something of hers.
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Do you remember this?
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And that Myers couldn't be here tonight,
so they sent some wires.
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And I'd like to read a few of them to
you. This one is from Walter Mondale.
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Dear Mr. T, how much would you charge to
kick the right stuff out of John Glenn?
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This is from the brokerage firm of E .F.
Hutton. Dear Mr.
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T, when you talk, we even listen.
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This is from the doorman at the MGM.
Dear Ricky Schroeder, please come to the
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front desk. Your roller skates are
illegally parked.
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00:15:18,420 --> 00:15:22,720
Now I'd like to do my impression of Cary
Grant sneezing.
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Cheers.
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years back, starred in a great movie
called The Champ, and who now has his
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TV series called Silver Spoons.
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Let's welcome the talented Ricky
Schroeder.
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I'm here tonight because I'm a fan of
Mr. T, and I appreciate all he's done
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us kids.
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Wherever he goes, he preaches decency,
dignity, and love of learning to young
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people. As a matter of fact, he's even
come out with his own version of the
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-known children's fairy tales, written
in his own personal style, so that kids
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in his old neighborhood can still relate
to them.
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I thought maybe I'd read one of them
tonight.
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Once upon a time in the south side of
Chicago, there was a foxy little lady by
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the name of Little Red Riding Hood.
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One night while she was sitting home
with her ghetto blaster on,
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for the latest Motown hit, Luciano
Pavarotti sings the best of the
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Her mama said, Hey, Red, your
grandmother's feeling kind of poorly.
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00:16:45,110 --> 00:16:46,890
So why don't you take her to this basket
of food?
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It's got some fine chicken necks, hog
maws, okra, and grits.
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Grits, says little Red?
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How many?
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00:16:55,690 --> 00:16:57,370
How do I know how many, said her mother?
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There must be millions of those little
things.
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and picked up the bat and cut out for
Granny's pad.
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But unbeknownst to Little Red, a big,
bad wolf, a crude and rude dude, if
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ever was one, had been following her
fine frame all the way.
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See, she got the granny before she did,
so when Little Red entered the room,
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there was the wolf already in bed,
dressed like her sweet, loving
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Why, Granny, said Little Red, what big
eyes you have.
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The better to dig your very mod bods,
said the wolf.
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What a big nose you have.
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The better to pick up your fine perfume.
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Ham hocks number five.
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00:17:49,800 --> 00:17:53,440
But by now, Little Red was getting hip
to this whole scene, and she warned the
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wolf. You come near me, and I'm going to
call the police.
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00:18:04,900 --> 00:18:05,900
neighborhood?
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00:18:10,000 --> 00:18:12,820
How are they going to know it's a black
neighborhood, asked Little Red.
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00:18:13,240 --> 00:18:15,200
You call them the police and they'll
know.
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00:18:18,060 --> 00:18:21,940
Just as the wolf was about to make a
move on Little Red, came the sound of
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00:18:21,940 --> 00:18:27,200
thunder and Mr. T, the Southside
Superman, better known as the Incredible
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00:18:27,360 --> 00:18:30,300
came crashing through the back door.
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Actually, there was no back door at the
time, but he made one.
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Mr. T just stood there looking mean.
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And with one mighty blow, he slam
-dunked that wolf into eternity.
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With one shot, he made Wolf jerky out of
that turkey.
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00:18:45,240 --> 00:18:48,840
Mr. T had saved the day and once again
proved that crime doesn't pay.
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00:18:49,400 --> 00:18:52,220
From that time on, a legend has grown in
the ghetto.
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They say on nights when the moon is full
on Hawkins, the cold wind from the
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00:18:56,560 --> 00:18:58,240
north comes whistling over Lake
Michigan.
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00:18:58,780 --> 00:19:02,860
You can still hear that panic -stricken
wolf crying, Please, Lord!
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I look forward to being here this
evening so I could introduce our next
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He's done it all. The stage, the screen,
television.
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He's touched us all in good times and
bad with a miracle that has kept America
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00:19:36,460 --> 00:19:37,460
going.
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Laughter. Ladies and gentlemen, my good
friend and certainly yours, Mr.
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Bob Hope.
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Thank you, Dan. I'm so glad to be here,
and it's such a thrill to get such a
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00:19:57,570 --> 00:20:00,390
glowing introduction from a host with a
glow on.
239
00:20:03,330 --> 00:20:04,970
I am so happy to be here.
240
00:20:05,170 --> 00:20:09,390
When Mr. T invited me to be a guest at
his roast, I couldn't turn him down.
241
00:20:09,630 --> 00:20:12,350
That's because he's one of NBC's hottest
new stars.
242
00:20:12,830 --> 00:20:17,070
He's a great guy, and I prefer to have
knees that bend in only one direction.
243
00:20:20,390 --> 00:20:22,710
No, he's hot. All the talk shows want
him.
244
00:20:23,070 --> 00:20:24,530
Merv wants him to talk to him.
245
00:20:24,910 --> 00:20:26,570
Letterman wants him to talk to him.
246
00:20:26,770 --> 00:20:29,210
And Johnny Carson wants him to talk to
Joanna.
247
00:20:31,890 --> 00:20:35,610
Now, Mr. T did our show in Hawaii, and I
found we have quite a bit in common.
248
00:20:35,890 --> 00:20:38,310
We agree on almost everything except
barbers.
249
00:20:40,830 --> 00:20:44,810
And what a welcome we got when we landed
in Honolulu. They put a layer on Mr.
250
00:20:44,990 --> 00:20:46,390
T's neck, and he ate it.
251
00:20:49,030 --> 00:20:51,450
He got a lot of money for us for doing
that show, too.
252
00:20:51,740 --> 00:20:54,060
That's because his fist is as big as my
agent.
253
00:20:57,720 --> 00:21:02,180
We handled Mr. T very delicately on the
show, especially after I found out where
254
00:21:02,180 --> 00:21:03,620
all the gold he wears comes from.
255
00:21:04,540 --> 00:21:05,540
Comedian's teeth.
256
00:21:08,140 --> 00:21:11,860
Now, he's an intimidating young man.
When we were in Hawaii, I took him to a
257
00:21:11,860 --> 00:21:15,120
luau, and when we sat down, the pig
choked on the apple.
258
00:21:21,320 --> 00:21:23,240
Kidding. He doesn't have a mean bone in
his body.
259
00:21:23,480 --> 00:21:24,520
It's all gristle.
260
00:21:26,680 --> 00:21:29,520
He's got muscles in places where I don't
even have places.
261
00:21:32,420 --> 00:21:36,960
And I wouldn't say Mr. T was brave, but
he once ran into a burning building and
262
00:21:36,960 --> 00:21:38,540
bodily dragged out six men.
263
00:21:39,440 --> 00:21:41,040
Unfortunately, they were firemen.
264
00:21:45,480 --> 00:21:47,400
And I love the way you style your hair.
265
00:21:48,360 --> 00:21:50,640
Looks like a skid mark from a Greyhound
bus.
266
00:21:55,160 --> 00:21:56,280
I'll tell you, he's mean.
267
00:21:56,520 --> 00:21:59,900
That feather hanging from his ear used
to be the NBC peacock.
268
00:22:02,640 --> 00:22:06,140
Now, he was always tough. When he was
18, he got a job driving a bus.
269
00:22:06,500 --> 00:22:09,820
So powerful, he used to change tires
without jacking up the bus.
270
00:22:14,140 --> 00:22:16,060
Can you believe all that gold he wears?
271
00:22:16,780 --> 00:22:18,680
He looks like Fort Knox with legs.
272
00:22:21,380 --> 00:22:23,620
He's got Sammy Davis beat by a mile.
273
00:22:23,880 --> 00:22:26,760
If Sammy Davis wore that much gold, he'd
have to have Mr.
274
00:22:27,000 --> 00:22:28,000
T carry him around.
275
00:22:30,080 --> 00:22:34,560
And let me tell you, Zsa Zsa Gabor is
crazy about him. She loves any man who
276
00:22:34,560 --> 00:22:36,980
that much community property hanging
around his neck.
277
00:22:37,980 --> 00:22:39,960
Right out there where the judge can see
it.
278
00:22:45,070 --> 00:22:48,830
He doesn't drink. He doesn't smoke. He
lives such a good, clean life. He makes
279
00:22:48,830 --> 00:22:50,530
Ricky Schroeder look like Scarface.
280
00:22:54,830 --> 00:22:57,430
Did you know he was a bodyguard for
Phyllis Diller?
281
00:22:58,090 --> 00:22:59,670
Nobody laid a hand on her.
282
00:22:59,930 --> 00:23:01,190
That's why she fired him.
283
00:23:03,390 --> 00:23:06,510
Say, I'm so glad to have this chance to
help honor you here tonight.
284
00:23:07,090 --> 00:23:11,470
The character you developed on the A
-Team has captured the imagination of
285
00:23:11,470 --> 00:23:13,070
adults and kids all over the country.
286
00:23:13,710 --> 00:23:17,790
And I want to congratulate you for doing
so much for so many people on your own
287
00:23:17,790 --> 00:23:19,610
time. The T in Mr.
288
00:23:19,810 --> 00:23:21,050
T stands for one thing.
289
00:23:21,510 --> 00:23:23,450
Terrific. You keep it up, you hear?
290
00:23:34,590 --> 00:23:36,450
Mr. Gavin McCloud.
291
00:23:46,280 --> 00:23:49,440
You know, I was so concerned about what
I was going to say tonight that when I
292
00:23:49,440 --> 00:23:52,900
ran into Johnny Carson and told him my
problem, he said, Gavin, just be
293
00:23:52,900 --> 00:23:53,900
yourself.
294
00:23:54,240 --> 00:23:57,280
Tell the truth. Right now, I'd rather be
Johnny Carson.
295
00:23:58,140 --> 00:24:03,760
Because if I were, I'd probably be able
to say something like, here at the MGM
296
00:24:03,760 --> 00:24:06,460
Grand, they gave me a room next to a
honeymoon couple.
297
00:24:07,020 --> 00:24:10,060
But while I was paying for the room, I
had the right to listen.
298
00:24:12,240 --> 00:24:13,119
You see?
299
00:24:13,120 --> 00:24:14,480
I can't do those kind of jokes.
300
00:24:15,120 --> 00:24:16,480
I'm an actor, not a comic.
301
00:24:16,840 --> 00:24:18,960
So how am I going to make fun of Mr. T?
302
00:24:19,700 --> 00:24:23,040
Well, if I were Don Rickles, I could
say, Mr.
303
00:24:23,320 --> 00:24:28,060
T is so mean, he watches mouthwash
commercials and cheers for the germs.
304
00:24:31,500 --> 00:24:35,080
Well, if I were the beloved little red
-headed comic Red Buttons, I would be
305
00:24:35,080 --> 00:24:39,760
jumping up and down and asking the magic
question, why should we give this man a
306
00:24:39,760 --> 00:24:41,960
dinner when Eli Whitney...
307
00:24:42,400 --> 00:24:47,060
The inventor of the cotton gin who once
said, get your cotton -picking fingers
308
00:24:47,060 --> 00:24:48,060
off my gin.
309
00:24:49,100 --> 00:24:50,100
Never got a gin.
310
00:24:51,720 --> 00:24:52,720
You're right.
311
00:24:54,180 --> 00:24:57,240
But those are the kind of things only
comedians can say.
312
00:24:58,040 --> 00:25:04,000
So as an actor, I guess I'll just say,
keep up the good work, Mr. T.
313
00:25:05,040 --> 00:25:06,040
You're a star.
314
00:25:06,340 --> 00:25:07,480
You deserve to be.
315
00:25:08,520 --> 00:25:10,660
And any time you want to come aboard the
love boat.
316
00:25:11,340 --> 00:25:12,900
There'll be a seat at the captain's
table.
317
00:25:13,180 --> 00:25:14,360
Thank you very much.
318
00:25:18,820 --> 00:25:23,460
And then Mr.
319
00:25:23,920 --> 00:25:25,260
Slappy White.
320
00:25:36,460 --> 00:25:37,560
Final Mr.
321
00:25:37,780 --> 00:25:38,780
T from Chicago.
322
00:25:39,660 --> 00:25:44,100
And in his neighborhood, the Avon lady
would ring and run.
323
00:25:45,920 --> 00:25:50,800
But it's safe to go through his
neighborhood at night if you're a
324
00:25:53,200 --> 00:25:59,900
But look at him now, 30 pounds of gold
chains around his neck, $200 slacks,
325
00:26:00,440 --> 00:26:03,800
$150 shoes, and no underwear.
326
00:26:18,000 --> 00:26:21,740
One thing I can say about Mr. T, he's
got a lot of nerve.
327
00:26:22,400 --> 00:26:26,380
Anybody will walk around with a haircut
like that, have to have a lot of nerve.
328
00:26:27,540 --> 00:26:33,600
Then again, black people got more nerve
than white people.
329
00:26:35,060 --> 00:26:37,380
Would you buy a Cadillac without a jar?
330
00:26:51,400 --> 00:26:56,040
But I'd like to say one thing about Mr.
T because, see, I've been watching you
331
00:26:56,040 --> 00:26:59,620
and you've been doing so many nice
things for the kids to help humanity and
332
00:26:59,620 --> 00:27:05,400
bring good cheer to America so we can
come up with a nice life. And you're a
333
00:27:05,400 --> 00:27:09,240
great man. I want to do a special piece
of material and dedicate it to you.
334
00:27:09,640 --> 00:27:11,640
It's called Brotherhood.
335
00:27:13,220 --> 00:27:17,000
It's the white man and the black man.
336
00:27:18,480 --> 00:27:19,580
Would just work.
337
00:27:20,660 --> 00:27:26,620
Hand in hand, they could make this whole
world a promised land.
338
00:27:27,260 --> 00:27:31,980
You had George Washington, and we had
Booker T.
339
00:27:32,740 --> 00:27:36,960
You got congressmen in Congress, and so
have we.
340
00:27:37,700 --> 00:27:41,560
Einstein split the atom, no ifs, ands,
or buts.
341
00:27:41,820 --> 00:27:43,020
Look what Dr.
342
00:27:43,300 --> 00:27:45,120
Carver did with the little peanut.
343
00:27:45,710 --> 00:27:47,850
We will forget about slavery.
344
00:27:48,630 --> 00:27:51,110
You forget the Indian raids.
345
00:27:51,650 --> 00:27:56,570
We quit calling you hunkies, and you
quit calling us spades.
346
00:27:56,990 --> 00:28:02,870
Together, we'll wipe out poverty,
hatred, and we'll conquer outer space.
347
00:28:03,190 --> 00:28:08,210
So why don't we just get together and
let all men share God's grace.
348
00:28:08,430 --> 00:28:09,570
Thank you and God bless you.
349
00:28:29,900 --> 00:28:33,260
Ladies and gentlemen, our most unique
talent, Mr.
350
00:28:33,480 --> 00:28:34,480
Dick Shawn.
351
00:28:41,340 --> 00:28:42,640
Clappy, you're absolutely right.
352
00:28:43,480 --> 00:28:44,480
Incredible.
353
00:28:46,460 --> 00:28:49,360
The black and the white problem is a
problem in America, but we're forgetting
354
00:28:49,360 --> 00:28:50,360
about another group.
355
00:28:52,880 --> 00:28:53,880
It's the red man.
356
00:29:02,280 --> 00:29:03,280
and the Jewish man.
357
00:29:06,660 --> 00:29:10,640
To get together hand in hand for a
wonderful land this would be.
358
00:29:11,200 --> 00:29:16,920
Hey, you gave us the beautiful
Pocahontas, Sitting Bull, and the
359
00:29:16,920 --> 00:29:17,920
Niagara Falls.
360
00:29:18,140 --> 00:29:22,440
We gave you Joan Rivers, Don Rickles,
and a recipe for matzo balls.
361
00:29:25,640 --> 00:29:29,260
That's right. You told us how to live
out on the reservation, getting by and
362
00:29:29,260 --> 00:29:30,260
eating buffalo meat.
363
00:29:30,560 --> 00:29:33,680
We told you, make the reservation first,
then go out and eat.
364
00:29:36,080 --> 00:29:37,100
So come on, everybody.
365
00:29:37,360 --> 00:29:41,360
Put your hands together like this.
Please, everybody, put them together
366
00:29:41,360 --> 00:29:43,240
this. Seal it with a kiss.
367
00:29:44,460 --> 00:29:47,400
Let's all have some fun out of life and
do things like this.
368
00:29:54,990 --> 00:29:57,690
The man is laughing now. I'm really
surprised. I thought there was going to
369
00:29:57,690 --> 00:30:01,070
lot more problems, but he's a wonderful
human being. I thought, I was so scared
370
00:30:01,070 --> 00:30:03,390
that I brought a golf club with me.
371
00:30:04,450 --> 00:30:08,090
I don't have to use it now. And when I
was just trying to decide what club to
372
00:30:08,090 --> 00:30:12,930
use, I didn't know what club to use. I
looked at his head and I said, it looks
373
00:30:12,930 --> 00:30:14,350
like an eight iron to me.
374
00:30:18,230 --> 00:30:23,510
The jewelry, $300 ,000 I read, right?
$300 ,000 worth of jewelry the man
375
00:30:23,510 --> 00:30:27,320
around. That means from the chin up, he
is richer than Yugoslavia.
376
00:30:31,320 --> 00:30:33,140
But this is the paladin. He could sing.
377
00:30:33,520 --> 00:30:35,680
You can imagine him coming out on stage
doing a song.
378
00:30:36,100 --> 00:30:37,660
This rap song, rapping away.
379
00:30:38,240 --> 00:30:39,640
Oh, take on time.
380
00:30:39,880 --> 00:30:40,679
Take on time.
381
00:30:40,680 --> 00:30:41,680
Take on time.
382
00:30:42,120 --> 00:30:43,120
Take on time.
383
00:30:43,280 --> 00:30:44,280
Hey, everybody.
384
00:30:44,400 --> 00:30:45,500
Don't you mess with me.
385
00:30:45,700 --> 00:30:49,680
I'm the one and only Mr. T. I don't take
no lip. I don't eat no crow.
386
00:30:49,980 --> 00:30:52,340
If I bop you on the head, you ain't
never gonna grow.
387
00:30:56,590 --> 00:30:58,970
You fool. Keep off the grass. Go back to
school.
388
00:30:59,870 --> 00:31:02,990
I'm going to rip off your face and stick
it on your back. Kick you in the
389
00:31:02,990 --> 00:31:04,250
eyeballs. Put you in a sack.
390
00:31:04,510 --> 00:31:06,570
Because I'm rough, tough, mean, and
cute.
391
00:31:06,790 --> 00:31:11,890
I'm a hot toddy. Look at that body. You
can talk about your muscles, but you
392
00:31:11,890 --> 00:31:12,709
ought to see mine.
393
00:31:12,710 --> 00:31:17,670
Hair on my head like a bowl of twine.
Skin on the belly. Every time I walk, I
394
00:31:17,670 --> 00:31:18,670
bum, bum, bum.
395
00:31:31,790 --> 00:31:37,230
My good pal, and we did a picture
together a long time ago, Mr. George
396
00:31:49,910 --> 00:31:54,330
Tonight I'm here on behalf of the A
-Team, the whole group, on a very happy
397
00:31:54,330 --> 00:31:59,110
mission, to pass along our good wishes
to a guy who has done so much.
398
00:31:59,580 --> 00:32:01,300
to ensure the success of our show.
399
00:32:02,180 --> 00:32:06,060
And I'm talking about my friend, T,
Brother T.
400
00:32:06,740 --> 00:32:12,400
A little bit bigger than life, with his
intimidating scowl, outlandish mandinka
401
00:32:12,400 --> 00:32:17,300
that parts his scalp, the oak tree arms,
and that wild profusion of chains and
402
00:32:17,300 --> 00:32:18,300
gold jewelry.
403
00:32:18,760 --> 00:32:20,400
He's probably bigger than ten lives.
404
00:32:21,800 --> 00:32:24,520
But there's a T you've never seen the
way I have.
405
00:32:25,020 --> 00:32:28,740
That T exudes the kind of compassion and
humanity
406
00:32:29,550 --> 00:32:31,410
that very few human beings can.
407
00:32:31,990 --> 00:32:35,450
There's a saying, you can't fool a
child, and that's the truth.
408
00:32:36,110 --> 00:32:40,390
For despite the ferocity of the roles
he's portrayed in Rocky III, and more
409
00:32:40,390 --> 00:32:44,130
recently in our show, he hasn't fooled
the kids of America one bit.
410
00:32:45,150 --> 00:32:50,450
They sense, they know, that underneath
the surface toughness is a kind of
411
00:32:50,450 --> 00:32:53,090
childlike quality, which they recognize
in themselves.
412
00:32:54,150 --> 00:32:58,430
That's why children swarm around him in
the streets. They do everywhere we go.
413
00:32:59,590 --> 00:33:05,670
That's why they relate to him when,
despite his very busy life, he finds
414
00:33:05,670 --> 00:33:10,310
visit them in the hospital wards and
always inserting that big brother
415
00:33:10,310 --> 00:33:13,890
admonition. Now, you go to the library
and study books, you hear?
416
00:33:14,830 --> 00:33:18,290
This is Mr. T, this modern -day Pied
Piper.
417
00:33:18,870 --> 00:33:21,690
This is the Mr. T that I and the rest of
the A -team know.
418
00:33:22,430 --> 00:33:27,990
And the big secret that we all know is
the T really stands for tenderness.
419
00:33:29,420 --> 00:33:30,460
He's a team player.
420
00:33:31,020 --> 00:33:32,020
He's a professional.
421
00:33:32,700 --> 00:33:33,780
And he's my friend.
422
00:33:35,040 --> 00:33:37,560
I am truly so thrilled by his success.
423
00:33:38,300 --> 00:33:40,460
I'm glad I was around to see it happen.
424
00:33:41,340 --> 00:33:42,440
Thank you very much.
425
00:33:58,320 --> 00:34:02,920
In the field of sports commentary, when
you think of phrases like honesty,
426
00:34:03,100 --> 00:34:09,000
straight from the shoulder, and tell it
like it is, you think of one man, Howard
427
00:34:09,000 --> 00:34:10,000
Cosell.
428
00:34:16,920 --> 00:34:21,540
Mr. T was raised in a neighborhood which
has been described by sociologists.
429
00:34:22,080 --> 00:34:28,139
as an area of cultural deprivation
characterized by economic instability
430
00:34:28,139 --> 00:34:30,860
paucity of opportunity for upward
mobility.
431
00:34:31,219 --> 00:34:35,179
English translation, it was a slum.
432
00:34:39,100 --> 00:34:46,000
Now, all this led him to the hit NBC
show, The A -Team and Wealth Beyond His
433
00:34:46,000 --> 00:34:50,780
Wildest Fantasies. Just look at him,
diamond rings and earrings.
434
00:34:51,600 --> 00:34:54,080
Now we know what the T stands for.
435
00:34:54,300 --> 00:34:55,300
Tiffany.
436
00:34:57,520 --> 00:34:59,040
You're like an oyster.
437
00:34:59,360 --> 00:35:00,660
Cut through that shell.
438
00:35:00,920 --> 00:35:06,240
You're all soft inside, baby. You're
really a pussycat.
439
00:35:16,080 --> 00:35:19,840
This is cuter than a koala bear.
440
00:35:21,180 --> 00:35:23,180
Miss Maureen Murphy.
441
00:35:32,260 --> 00:35:33,260
Thank you.
442
00:35:33,560 --> 00:35:38,960
It's a real honor to be here tonight to
roast you, Miss T, because we really
443
00:35:38,960 --> 00:35:44,380
love you in Australia because it's a
very overly macho country there. The men
444
00:35:44,380 --> 00:35:45,720
are very macho.
445
00:35:46,100 --> 00:35:47,240
That's why they love you.
446
00:35:48,270 --> 00:35:50,750
There they'll get a woman pregnant just
to kill a rabbit.
447
00:35:58,270 --> 00:36:01,790
And I tried to explain to my mother I
wanted to be an actress. I said, Mother,
448
00:36:01,790 --> 00:36:05,630
want to learn to cry real tears. I want
to be able to show great emotion for
449
00:36:05,630 --> 00:36:07,090
someone I don't really care for.
450
00:36:07,550 --> 00:36:09,050
She said, Become a housewife.
451
00:36:11,290 --> 00:36:15,310
But she told me if I went into movies,
I'd have to do a nude scene.
452
00:36:16,400 --> 00:36:20,560
Now, I wouldn't do a nude scene. I think
if God meant us to be naked, he'd make
453
00:36:20,560 --> 00:36:21,660
our skin fit better.
454
00:36:25,160 --> 00:36:30,280
But in Australia, there's so much, you
see, and our idea of the perfect wife is
455
00:36:30,280 --> 00:36:31,280
Nancy Reagan.
456
00:36:31,400 --> 00:36:32,960
And I know you met her in person.
457
00:36:33,360 --> 00:36:35,240
And I met her in person, too.
458
00:36:35,700 --> 00:36:39,220
And I was so impressed, because she
seemed so lifelike.
459
00:36:47,370 --> 00:36:49,850
I would like to be in movies, just like
you.
460
00:36:50,330 --> 00:36:57,290
And my fantasy is that I'm Princess Leia
from Return of the
461
00:36:57,290 --> 00:37:03,570
Jedi, dressed as a slave girl, forced to
dance for Jabba the Hutt, this huge,
462
00:37:03,650 --> 00:37:09,330
fat, slug -like creature which makes
strange sounds like oompa -gabba -wabba
463
00:37:09,330 --> 00:37:10,330
-woompa.
464
00:37:11,290 --> 00:37:14,350
But you put a beard in his hand, he
looks like any guy watching Monday Night
465
00:37:14,350 --> 00:37:15,350
Football.
466
00:37:21,840 --> 00:37:25,440
about the game that's why i watch monday
night football and howard cosell
467
00:37:25,440 --> 00:37:28,960
because i like to see someone else who
doesn't know anything about footballing
468
00:37:28,960 --> 00:37:36,340
well
469
00:37:36,340 --> 00:37:40,120
i don't know if you've ever played
football but i wouldn't marry a football
470
00:37:40,120 --> 00:37:46,880
player because i wouldn't want to have
kids that don't have necks oh and my
471
00:37:46,880 --> 00:37:50,880
other fantasy is to kiss don wrinkles
472
00:37:53,000 --> 00:37:54,780
Till I met him here tonight, and...
473
00:37:54,780 --> 00:38:01,660
Well,
474
00:38:01,900 --> 00:38:07,700
I thought we were the same height, but I
noticed that you are a little taller
475
00:38:07,700 --> 00:38:08,638
than me.
476
00:38:08,640 --> 00:38:14,300
And an older man should never kiss a
short woman, because the skin all falls
477
00:38:14,300 --> 00:38:15,300
forward.
478
00:38:16,820 --> 00:38:18,820
And you look like a basset hound.
479
00:38:30,510 --> 00:38:32,190
Mr. Don Rickles!
480
00:38:44,450 --> 00:38:46,390
I bring love and I bring peace.
481
00:38:47,910 --> 00:38:49,750
And I bring kindness and warmth.
482
00:38:50,690 --> 00:38:52,130
I love the black people.
483
00:38:59,530 --> 00:39:04,070
People of my life, my world, they do
what they're told.
484
00:39:07,890 --> 00:39:08,890
We're honoring Mr.
485
00:39:09,050 --> 00:39:09,888
T.
486
00:39:09,890 --> 00:39:10,890
Why?
487
00:39:13,530 --> 00:39:17,210
I met this man many, many years ago in a
7 -Eleven store and he said, give me
488
00:39:17,210 --> 00:39:18,210
your money.
489
00:39:22,750 --> 00:39:25,810
And of course, this little annoying
midget.
490
00:39:28,230 --> 00:39:32,270
You were great in that picture, Ricky. I
loved it. J .J., if I were you, you'd
491
00:39:32,270 --> 00:39:34,830
just... Sniffling and whining all over
the screen.
492
00:39:38,330 --> 00:39:40,630
And, Angeline, you're a lovely woman and
gorgeous.
493
00:39:41,170 --> 00:39:43,250
I'm happily married, but my wife is ill.
494
00:39:46,650 --> 00:39:50,250
Her body dances and tingles. My wife's
body just lays in the bed and goes...
495
00:39:56,710 --> 00:39:58,930
walrus, but I gotta be nice, because
everything's in her name.
496
00:40:01,490 --> 00:40:05,690
Of course, Rich Little, who does
impressions, but he doesn't do one of my
497
00:40:05,690 --> 00:40:08,990
biggies. My first picture, Rich, he
could never top me on this. Clark Gable,
498
00:40:08,990 --> 00:40:11,550
-starler on detail. I'm gonna tell you,
Mr. T, I don't give a damn what's
499
00:40:11,550 --> 00:40:14,370
happening. Take the ship down. Down,
down, down, down.
500
00:40:15,330 --> 00:40:17,850
Anyway, uh, please, don't applaud.
501
00:40:18,130 --> 00:40:20,910
Don't applaud. You're not going anyplace
doing fraud tricks on your shoulder.
502
00:40:21,850 --> 00:40:25,610
A little laughing, and the black guy
just rolled you.
503
00:40:30,380 --> 00:40:34,060
I'd like you to know this is Nell
Carter. I did have the pleasure of being
504
00:40:34,060 --> 00:40:37,120
guest star on her show, Give Me a Break.
I brought her a lovely gift. And she
505
00:40:37,120 --> 00:40:38,240
said, I'm not talking to you, man.
506
00:40:38,460 --> 00:40:39,460
I'm not talking to you.
507
00:40:39,780 --> 00:40:41,700
She's a lovely, lovely star. You ask
her.
508
00:40:44,120 --> 00:40:46,720
I've seen her in her bathrobe and the
dressing room when people go, I'm being
509
00:40:46,720 --> 00:40:47,720
sucked under!
510
00:40:50,160 --> 00:40:53,580
And George Pappard, who keeps calling me
on the phone saying, Why is that black
511
00:40:53,580 --> 00:40:54,640
guy getting the bigger lines?
512
00:40:55,360 --> 00:40:59,240
Anyway, George isn't jealous, but when
you go to bed tonight...
513
00:40:59,840 --> 00:41:00,840
Try to listen for a clock.
514
00:41:03,740 --> 00:41:06,820
Your park, George, is getting smaller
and smaller. Tell him what you told me,
515
00:41:06,840 --> 00:41:08,620
how you're fed up with the blacks and
you don't want them in your
516
00:41:10,340 --> 00:41:15,280
But we need the blacks. Without them,
there'd be no Olympics.
517
00:41:22,220 --> 00:41:24,840
That's right. These people are great
runners. You put a gun in their can,
518
00:41:24,840 --> 00:41:25,840
can beat a bullet.
519
00:41:31,280 --> 00:41:35,720
I would be amiss if I didn't mention
that Bob Hope is here tonight. It's good
520
00:41:35,720 --> 00:41:36,698
see you, Bob.
521
00:41:36,700 --> 00:41:38,380
He's here because there's no war on.
522
00:41:40,800 --> 00:41:44,140
And Howard Cosell, I say from the bottom
of my heart, you're annoying and you
523
00:41:44,140 --> 00:41:45,140
should go away.
524
00:41:49,640 --> 00:41:54,220
And so, again, to Mr. T, you're the
best, you've proven that, and continued
525
00:41:54,220 --> 00:41:55,440
success. Thank you very much.
526
00:42:08,300 --> 00:42:13,040
We've been doing these roasts for a lot
of years, and we've honored some of the
527
00:42:13,040 --> 00:42:15,300
biggest stars in the show business.
528
00:42:15,600 --> 00:42:21,240
Tonight, we pay tribute to a guy who
gives unselfishly to bring a little
529
00:42:21,240 --> 00:42:27,180
happiness to kids all over the country.
You can't get bigger than that. Ladies
530
00:42:27,180 --> 00:42:28,440
and gentlemen, Mr.
531
00:42:47,950 --> 00:42:48,950
Thank you, Dean.
532
00:42:49,210 --> 00:42:55,050
And my two little buddies, Gary Coleman
and Ricky Schroeder, you are a couple of
533
00:42:55,050 --> 00:42:56,050
wonderful kids.
534
00:42:56,090 --> 00:42:57,990
Your parents must be real proud of you.
535
00:42:58,970 --> 00:43:01,690
Don Rickles, you are too much.
536
00:43:04,650 --> 00:43:06,310
You should be on the A -team.
537
00:43:06,670 --> 00:43:12,130
If you're wondering where I get my
jewelry from, well, Liberace had a
538
00:43:12,130 --> 00:43:13,130
sale.
539
00:43:18,870 --> 00:43:25,390
George Pappard, you've been like a
father to me, and I love you so much,
540
00:43:25,390 --> 00:43:28,890
are the reason why the A -team is number
one.
541
00:43:41,390 --> 00:43:47,070
Howard Cosell, you're a great
sportcaster in my book.
542
00:43:48,300 --> 00:43:49,300
Know why?
543
00:43:50,000 --> 00:43:51,640
Because you tell it like it is.
544
00:43:52,440 --> 00:43:54,020
And you're a very kind man.
545
00:43:54,520 --> 00:43:56,780
And I want to thank you for the nice
words.
546
00:43:57,800 --> 00:44:04,620
And Bob Hope, it ain't a day in my life
that I don't read about you flying
547
00:44:04,620 --> 00:44:10,000
off somewhere to do a benefit or to
entertain our guys in service.
548
00:44:10,820 --> 00:44:13,100
You really have a heart of gold.
549
00:44:14,020 --> 00:44:16,620
And Dean, you're a fun -loving
superstar.
550
00:44:17,770 --> 00:44:21,910
And because of that, I want to give you
a big hug for making all this possible.
551
00:44:37,830 --> 00:44:40,970
This has been a very special moment in
my life.
552
00:44:42,210 --> 00:44:46,130
I never would have thought that in my
wildest dreams as a kid,
553
00:44:47,240 --> 00:44:52,080
growing up in the south side of Chicago,
that some of the most famous people in
554
00:44:52,080 --> 00:44:58,680
the show business would gather in one
place to pay an honor to me
555
00:44:58,680 --> 00:45:05,620
by kidding me, by making jokes about me,
and having fun with me. I
556
00:45:05,620 --> 00:45:12,480
am very sure that my mother, my father,
and my daughter Lisa are very proud
557
00:45:12,480 --> 00:45:14,640
tonight. I know I am.
558
00:45:15,500 --> 00:45:22,010
Because... This bit of fame that you
have given me makes it all possible for
559
00:45:22,010 --> 00:45:26,730
to go out and do a lot of things that
are dear and near to me.
560
00:45:27,790 --> 00:45:34,430
Like giving my name, my hand, and my
heart to all people who are in need.
561
00:45:36,130 --> 00:45:39,110
Like kids who can't read but should be
reading.
562
00:45:40,370 --> 00:45:43,730
Like kids who are sick in a hospital
somewhere.
563
00:45:44,940 --> 00:45:46,560
God, where should I sign that?
564
00:45:47,440 --> 00:45:49,000
Where do you want me to sign that?
565
00:45:49,800 --> 00:45:52,840
Sign my name. Where? Here, there, or
where?
566
00:45:53,560 --> 00:45:54,900
Right there. All right.
567
00:45:56,880 --> 00:45:58,560
2JN. J -A -N, right?
568
00:45:59,460 --> 00:46:00,460
Right?
569
00:46:01,540 --> 00:46:03,680
All right. I'm going to put it down
there. Get well.
570
00:46:04,840 --> 00:46:05,840
Get well.
571
00:46:06,160 --> 00:46:07,260
See them little kids?
572
00:46:07,540 --> 00:46:10,000
They like me. I like little kids.
573
00:46:14,440 --> 00:46:17,500
That's Mickey Mouse there. And I got a
poster for you.
574
00:46:18,360 --> 00:46:21,540
That's Mickey Mouse right there.
575
00:46:22,220 --> 00:46:23,220
See?
576
00:46:23,860 --> 00:46:25,440
Who is that right there?
577
00:46:25,920 --> 00:46:26,920
Who is Mr.
578
00:46:27,000 --> 00:46:28,000
T?
579
00:46:28,200 --> 00:46:29,740
All right.
580
00:46:30,840 --> 00:46:31,840
Wow.
581
00:46:32,100 --> 00:46:33,960
You got ice cream.
582
00:46:34,500 --> 00:46:36,560
Golly. You got fish.
583
00:46:36,780 --> 00:46:38,680
Wow. You're going to be strong.
584
00:46:39,880 --> 00:46:41,180
You want to touch my hair?
585
00:46:47,080 --> 00:46:48,080
Give me a big hug.
586
00:46:49,840 --> 00:46:55,440
This is truly God's work, and I'll do it
as long as he wants me to.
587
00:46:56,340 --> 00:47:02,160
So I just want to say from this kid, who
have come a long, long way,
588
00:47:02,260 --> 00:47:03,660
thanks.
589
00:47:04,960 --> 00:47:06,780
And that's from the bottom of my heart.
590
00:47:07,860 --> 00:47:08,860
I really mean that.
591
00:47:09,360 --> 00:47:11,180
Thank you, and God bless you.
50147
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