All language subtitles for dean_martin_jackie_gleason_1975

The Dean Martin Celebrity Roast, coming
to you from the MGM Grand Hotel in the

entertainment capital of the world, Las
Vegas, Nevada.

The glittering city of excitement and
laughter provides the scintillating

backdrop for tonight's star -studded
roast.

Ladies and gentlemen, from the Celebrity
Room of the Grand Hotel, Dean Martin

honors our man of the hour, Jackie
Gleason, with tonight's guest, Phyllis

Dillard.

Art Carney, Gene Kelly, Danny Thomas,
Milton

Berle, Audrey Meadows, Sid Caesar,

Foster Brooks, Sheila McRae, Jane King,
Nifty Russell,

Frank Gorshin, and your Roastmaster,
Dean Martin.

And tonight, very special man of the
hour, Jackie Gleason.

Show me a guy who can eat, drink, and be
merry, and I'll show you a fat grinning

drunk.

I won't say you're getting fat, but the
June Taylor dancers could use your pants

for a dressing room.

I'd like to see Earl Shy paint him for
$39 .95.

When he was born, the stork delivered
him in a U -Haul.

Support stockings. He wore a support
diaper.

He was born in Brooklyn, New York, in
the poorest of neighborhoods. And I mean

poor. Anyone who paid their rent on time
was arrested for suspicion of robbery.

When Jackie went to school, he was a
dropout.

The floor caved in.

nightclub Jackie ever played was a clam
house in Atlantic City.

Jackie had a very unusual act. He
cracked crabs to the tune of Claire de

Then came Jackie's success on television
to Honeymooners. On that show, Jackie

had something special, something
magical, something America couldn't wait

every week. Art Carney.

And for Art's performance on that show,
the Television Academy gave Art an Emmy.

Jackie, the way Art carried you, they
should have given him a truck.

Jackie Gleason now makes Florida his
home and has endeared himself to all the

people in Miami.

Each New Year's Day, he allows the
Orange Bowl Committee to use his body as

float.

after the show tonight, Jackie is
leaving for San Diego where he will

a fundraising benefit at SeaWorld.

Don't miss it.

Shamu the whale is going to ride Jackie.

Phyllis Diller is here for several
reasons.

She's a nice woman, a funny lady, and
she keeps crows out of the room.

So let's bring her out with a great big
round of pity.

And here's a gal who always makes me
laugh.

The adorable Miss Phyllis Diller. Yes.

I can't tell you what a thrill it is to
be here honoring the man from Flab.

I first met Jackie in Florida, and I was
in Miami Beach, in tears over Bebe, not

Reboza, my bra size.

I wanted so much to get on television,
so I auditioned for the June Taylor

Dancers, but Miss Taylor said that I
needed alteration.

My spirits were drooping, among other
things.

looking for long -stemmed roses, and I
had varicose vines.

I heard he was looking for a sexy
showgirl to come out and say, away we

I applied, and Jackie said, go away.

But I offered him my body, and he said,
no thanks. I throw away my empty sheet.

Listen, Jackie, Audrey and Sheila are
okay, but they aren't the kind of Alice

that you need.

Sheila walking around in that $2 dress
and the $65 permanent.

No wonder the Cramdon's never had any
kids. It might mess up her hair.

And Audrey used to greet you at the door
with that sweet, delicate, feminine

voice of hers.

Hiya, Ralph.

sounded like she inhaled a clothespin.

If the honeymooners ever come back, let
me be your Alice, because I crave your

body.

But that's irrelevant.

Irrelevant.

What I really mean is, I have the hots
for your pot.

Only pure passion.

See, I would satisfy you. To women,
Diller may be a killer.

But to men, Philly's a dilly.

When we decided

to roast Jackie Gleason, we invited all
the great comedians.

However, Milton Berle is here tonight
because Derwood Kirby fell out.

Ladies and gentlemen, my good pal, and I
think the best in the world, Mr. Milton

Berg.

Dean, you are to comedy what Ernest
Borgman is to tap dancing.

He's brilliant, this man. What a mind.
He thinks Cicely Tyson is an Italian

restaurant.

This is a tough roast. I've appeared on
this last month.

And, you know, you do so many of these
roasts, you run out of things to say.

Like tonight, I feel like Zsa Zsa
Gabor's next husband.

I mean, I know what I'm supposed to do,
but how do you make it interesting?

It's really a great array of stars. I
understand, by the way, that President

Ford was supposed to fly in from
Washington on Air Force One, but he

remember the number of the plane.

Henry Kissinger was supposed to be here,
too. They looked all over, but they

couldn't find him.

He was home.

Incidentally, the June Taylor dancers
may be here a little later. The last we

heard of them, they were on a Santa Ana
freeway forming a flower.

And in your honor, Jackie, I'm sure it
will be potted.

Look at this poor soul.

He has more chins than you can find in a
Chinese phone book.

I got so much gas, I'm being followed by
Arabs.

On this day, it's nothing but winos and
drunks.

I never saw so much, look, I never saw
much drinking in my life. And you know

what would be funny?

If Dino's the one who drives us all
home.

routine, because I live with him. Every
morning he starts off with a pick -me

-up. A crane comes and lifts him out of
bed.

After that, he has breakfast, coffee,
and toast. He doesn't like orange juice,

so he goes out and squeezes Anita
Bryant.

And he keeps telling me that that's the
way he loses weight. But who wants...

Gleason to lose weight.

Once you've seen a side of beef, it's
hard to get used to a slice of ham.

Gleason is out on the golf course and I
play golf with him and I must admit,

Jackie, he's a great golfer, ladies and
gentlemen, but at times he has a

tendency to hook a shot.

I can't understand it because Gleason
just isn't built right for a hooker.

That's when Gleeson, when the sun goes
down, when the tide goes down.

Oh, shut up.

When the sun goes down, that's when
Gleeson really starts to live.

He loves to party, loves to booze it up,
loves to stay up all night.

This man has seen dawn more than Tony
Orlando.

Ladies and gentlemen, our great
chameleon and my good friend, Mr. Danny

Dearly beloved, we have gathered here
this night.

I am tonight absolutely thrilled
witnessing this remarkable sight.

Gleason being roasted.

And Dean's already stewed.

You know what an experience it is for me
to stand between two men and watch them

ferment?

Friend, you have got to change your
lifestyle. There's still time.

Give up this life of sin, drunkenness,
and gluttony.

There's a...

Three of the seven deadly sins.

You're going to wind up in hell.

You think you're being roasted up here.
Wait till they get you down there.

You'll spend an eternity on a
rotisserie. You'll never see it.

Jackie, you won't be living a good life
down there.

The devil won't be giving you any booze.
And as for romance, you'll only find

one June Taylor dancer.

And it'll be a guy.

Big Jack, don't think me insensitive. I
know your problems.

I know the problems of men.

You're torn between two faiths.

You're a reformed Catholic and an
orthodox drunk.

Go back to faith, hope, and charity.

You remember those three broads you run
around with?

And everything else fails you, and you
can't tell your troubles to a priest or

minister or a guru. Come to me.

Tell me about your life, about the sin,
about the drinking and the women and the

wild parties.

And invite me to one.

Jackie, a lot of your friends and
admirers couldn't be here tonight.

Yes.

So they sent some wires, and I'm going
to read them to you. And here's the one

that said, Dear Jackie, help!

Sign your chair.

Here's one from the American Society for
the Preservation of Culture.

Dear Mr. Gleason, a great talent like
yours should be...

Preserved for posterity, we have
prepared a time capsule to be opened 1

years from now. Please report Tuesday
and bring toothbrush and pajamas.

Lucky to have on the dais or the dais,
whichever you prefer tonight. Not one,

but two, Mrs.

Ralph. Cramden, in show business, it's
not unusual for more than one person to

have played the same role. Oh, no, no,
no. For instance, there were six

different Tarzans and eight different
Lassies. Our next guest is that very

versatile actress, Audrey Meadows, who
played the first Mrs. Cramden, the

Tarzan, and the sixth Lassie.

You know, I worked for Jackie for quite
a few years.

And you couldn't ask for a more
generous, kind, and understanding

Because if you did ask, he'd fire you.

And it was Jackie who was the pioneer
for women's lib.

Most of you don't realize that long
before Gloria Steinem and Betty Friedan,

Jackie had the idea of having the first
woman astronaut.

It's true.

Don't you remember every week he used to
say to me, Alice?

You're going to the moon.

Now, let's talk about Jackie's movie
attractions.

Not the ones that he was in.

The ones that he influenced.

One day, he was floating on a raft in
his swimming pool. And he rolled over.

Some guy saw him.

The Poseidon Adventure.

We saw the side of Jackie that was wild,
raucous, drunk.

A man so desperate for booze that he
once tried to squeeze the juice out of

scotch tape.

And that's what he did for the average
man.

The shy, timid little character always
being pushed around by a cruel society.

Jackie called him the poor soul.

We call him the American taxpayer.

was Ralph.

Plain old Ralph the bus driver.

Loud, belligerent, opinionated, filled
with hatred.

He was the Archie Bunker of the Stone
Age.

Yeah, Jackie was a screamer and a
shouter, but I must say he also had a

tender side.

I remember the day that I was rushed to
the hospital and I couldn't do the show.

And as soon as Jackie heard that I was
sick, He showed me what kind of a man he

really was.

He picked up the phone and he said a few
words.

A few words that will live in my memory
forever.

Do you remember what you said, Jackie?

We hired Sheila McCracken!

So, Jackie, in memory of those wonderful
days, I have a few little gifts that

I'd like to present to you.

This, you may remember, is a book that
you gave me when we first met, entitled

101 Ways to Fall to the Floor with
Dignity.

A rare 8x10 photograph of the Jackson 5
having their shoes shined by Lester

Marner.

The unlisted and private phone number of
Ozzie and Harriet.

A contour whoopee cushion once sat on...
by Toadie Fields.

A bottle of dandruff from the head of
Telly Savalas.

And last but not least, a five -pound
wedge of fat chimera mozzarella.

acclaim for his starring role in...
Ladies

and gentlemen, my good buddy, Mr. Gene
Callis.

I didn't come here this evening really
to insult and ridicule my old friend,

Jackie Gleason.

He has too many other dear friends for
that.

Our association goes way back, but I
guess it began very strongly

in 1962.

Jackie came up with an idea for a
picture.

The picture was called Gigot.

Jackie's idea was...

Jackie's idea was that he would play a
mute.

Now, he wanted to titillate our ears
with such sparkling dialogue

as...

Because back

in 1962, we had Panavision, Vithavision,
and Tadeo Sound,

but he wanted to make a sound.

Jackie asked me to be the director of
this visionary project.

And I said, me?

Attempt to direct this peerless, perky,
pugnacious, proud pachyderm of

prankery?

Do I dare?

I mean, do I dare?

Don't look at me.

I'm still working on that pretty, perky,
porky, piggy stuff you just said.

says you can't say it again.

What, you mean fearless, perky,
pugnacious, proud, pachyderm of

I could say that, but it's not in my can
of peas.

Well, I was about to say, before being
interrupted by our Sicilian sauce, I

took the job, as you go.

And we did the film in France, where
Jackie behaved very well, contrary to

everything you heard about tonight.

He never guzzled on the set.

Of course, between scenes, he'd slip out
of the back alley and siphon a wino.

So that's who stuck the rubber hose down
my throat.

Fantastic artist. All the comedians
rolled into one, but besides that,

Irish.

Here's one.

Favorite funny man.

Mr. Nipster Russell.

For men who choose a life of booze, I
have no sympathy at all. My sympathy

with you sober guys.

These drunks are having a ball.

And Jackie Gleason is the greatest. He
may never be as good as he once was, but

he's as good once as he ever was.

I'm here tonight to proclaim that
Jackie,

is a libertarian.

He fought for the minorities when we
were not black and beautiful, we were

black and burly.

I mean the days when you couldn't get in
television. At least we couldn't. Bill

Cosby wasn't on television.

Flip Wilson wasn't on television.

Sanford didn't even know his son.

You didn't even see a Negro in the
commercials. And I know darn well we got

breath.

but at that time he was a perfect
specimen of physical fatness.

He had a belly so big that when he got a
shoe shine, he had to take the boot

black's word for it.

I leave you with one word.

Mother nature and father time can't get
together, it seems, because by the time

we learn the game, we're too old to make
the team.

A few years ago, our guest of honor
became a real golf nut.

To explain why he developed such a
sudden interest in the game, ladies and

gentlemen, please welcome Jackie
Gleason's personal caddy.

Oh, caddy of the fairways.

people out there and it's almost enough
to scare the pants off me.

Bring in another thousand.

Oh, Mr. Martin, you Puerto Ricans have
such a wonderful sense of humor.

But I came here to talk about golf.

When I first met Mr. Gleason, he was
very inexperienced.

He couldn't swing at all.

Now we have a regular routine.

Early in the morning, he picks me up
where those in my profession wait for

clientele.

It's one of the nicest candy houses in
Miami.

little trouble seeing the ball because
of his stomach.

Jackie Gleason on one side of me and
Dean Martin on the other.

A little girl like me standing here with
two biggies.

Incidentally, Jackie has sought
professional help by engaging the

the world's foremost weight counselor.
We are fortunate to have that man with

tonight, ladies and gentlemen, Professor
Ludwig von Gross.

Could you tell us something about your
background?

Yes, I first studied nutrition for four
years at Heidelberg. Then I took my

master's degrees. I had three years at
Oxford.

From there, I went to my doctorate at
Harvard.

And incidentally, that's where I met Dr.
Henry Kitchener.

Where do you think he got his action
from, you know?

Before he met me, he talked like Donald
Duck.

Can you beat him in front of the United
Nations?

Professor, may I ask you, in treating
Mr.

Gleeson's eating problem, what was the
first advice you gave him?

I told him, never eat while you're
taking a shower.

The first thing, your lettuce goes limp.

You can't imagine what it does to the
mashed potatoes and the gravy. Oh, boy,

don't know.

Well, that's a very interesting piece,
these. How did you arrive at that?

Well, one day I was eating in the
shower, and I was having a plate of

And I couldn't finish the soup. The
plate of soup kept overflowing.

I kept on eating the soup, and it was
overflowing. Well, what did you do?

Well, what do you mean? That's what I
do. I call the plumber.

Well, what would you do if your play was
overflowing? And besides, it was

ruining the case of my past.

Ladies

and

gentlemen, here's another member of
Jackie's TV family, Miss Sheila McRain.

Being Jackie's TV wife, Alice, it was
just marvelous.

Being hugged and squeezed by him, it was
much more important than you think.

It was the beginning of violence on
television.

I was really lucky, though, to get to do
Alice, because at this time, although

it's not generally known,

Some of the biggest stars in show
business were auditioning for the part.

For instance, Jackie told me that Zsa
Zsa Gabor was dying to be Alice. And she

looked at them and she said, Ralph,
darling, I simply would adore being Mrs.

Cromdom. I mean, Crimdom.

Cromdom. I don't know what it is. I
can't pronounce it. But whatever it is,

would adore it, darling.

And I would never, never look at another
man.

I mean, the way you're built, I haven't
finished looking at all of you.

Now, even Carol Channing wanted to be
Alice.

Carol Channing's very elegant, and I saw
the test that Carol made. She kept

saying, Oh, yes, it's wonderful to be
Alice.

Yes!

Listen, he's so cheap. I kept telling
him, I kept saying, well, diamonds are

a girl's best friend. Yes, so what did
you think he brought me? Two

albums by Neil Diamond.

Some people look up to our man of the
hour, but none more than Art Carney,

known as Ed Norton. But then, when you
work in a sewer, you look up to

everybody.

Ladies and gentlemen, a dear friend of
our guests of honor, Mr. Ed Norton.

Doesn't the gym look nice tonight?

Thank you, Mr. Martin.

It's nice to find a person of your
heritage sitting up.

with this Jackie Gleason stuff.

This is Vegas.

Pick a new name to fit you. Something
like Howard Huge.

Ralph, I understand they're supposed to
roast you tonight.

I don't know how they're ever going to
fit you in the oven, frankly.

What are they honoring you for, Ralph?
Driver of the Year?

With the black guys at this table, I
figured it's... to have something to do

with bussing.

Did you arrange for Nipsey to sit near
the end of the

table?

I can move Russell next to the wino
here. Then it'll be Nipsey and Tipsy.

leave town without even saying goodbye.

Not even a word.

Could have written a little farewell
note and flushed it down the drain.

It would have got to me.

Now I'd like to proceed to my official
capacity.

Ralph Crandon, I'm here to pay homage to
you as legally elected.

Representative of Royal Order of the
Raccoons.

Somebody walked into the room.

I want to give you the old raccoon
signal.

Not to forget the old raccoon handshake.

it used to be, Ralph.

What'd you do? I'm a spade.

Jeez, what a thought.

Well, then, it is getting late.

In closing, I'd like to add a few words
of my own.

Ralph, your sudden disappearance caused
great gloom.

of emotion are turning.

Our reunion tonight and this glorious
tribute can only help to up my morale.

And knowing how you feel about me, up
yours too.

I guess it's Frank Gorshin who has the
reputation of being a very talented

impressionist. But his wife doesn't go
along with that. She told me that on

their honeymoon, Frank didn't make any
impression on her at all.

Ladies and gentlemen, here's a man of
many voices and paces, Mr. Frank

Ladies and gentlemen, Jackie Glees.

Started his career over 30 years ago by
playing in amateur shows.

He may end his career the same way by
doing this one tonight.

He's sometimes called the great one.

The greatest star in the history of show
business.

Well, that's his opinion.

who might object to you being called the
great one.

I mean, a great actor like Richard
Burton. Friends, Germans, alcoholics.

I come to Betty Gleeson, not to praise
him.

The great one, indeed.

Alexander the Great, Winston Churchill,
Mark Antony, they were not the great

ones, and I played them all.

How dare you place yourself on the same
level as Alexander the Great?

who took his army of 40 ,000 sleepless
men, starving, destroyed the city of

Thebes, conquered Persia, soon
thereafter the world, what could you

You would have looked at your starving
men and said, Pals, how about a little

Chinese food?

Another guy that might be upset is the
greatest healer of them all, Burt

Lancaster as Elmer Ganser.

I shouldn't be laughing, Jackie, because
you're a sinner and that's everybody's

business.

I remember the first time I met Jackie
Gleason was on the set of Elmer Gatchby.

I said, Jackie, what are we going to do
about taking the devil's mind off of his

evil work?

You know what he said to me?

Get him abroad.

I say repent.

Repent, you sinner. Now I'm talking to
you, the devil inside of Jackie.

I'm asking you to come out. I'm telling
you to come out face to face with me. I

want you to speak to me. I want to hear
you. You, the devil inside of Jackie

that makes him do all the evil things
that he does.

I dare you to show yourself.

Oh, everybody.

man responsible for the remarkable
physical shape of our guest of honor.

Ladies and gentlemen, one of Florida's
leading medical authorities and Jackie's

personal physician, Dr.

Foster Brooke.

When you're two, I get up and... Mr.

Gleeson here yet?

Uh... As the sick... As the... As the
sick... As...

As the sick... As the sick nun just

told you.

personal physician.

I am the

personal physician.

I drink a jacket. I drink a jacket. I
drink a jacket. I drink

a

jacket.

I say he's had many a turkey to prove
it.

While it is true that Mr.

Greaseball...

of him this morning proved conclusive
proved conclusive

proved without a doubt

that

he is not he is not

a slob he is not a pig he is not fat

He's pregnant? Pregnant.

You may ask, how could old bubbly belly
here get with child?

a few drinks he

said me have a have a baby me me

have a baby have a child I said he said

that's inconceivable I said

anything's possible nowadays

a Volkswagen.

And she had it wrapped right out in
front of the house.

You are in a family way, I went on.

He cried out, why me? Why me?

I said, blame it on the Miami sun.

You're running around in heat too long.

Who got this walrus of wit into trouble?

Was it Audrey in the middle?

Was Jane a little too keen on him?

Or did Sheila McRae get him that McRae?

That's not important. What matters is
that the baby is born.

Then for Big Mama here, 1975 will be a
good year, as

it would be for any blimp.

One of the things Jackie prides himself
on is his wardrobe.

He has always felt it's important to be
in fashion no matter what the occasion.

We'd like to show you just a small
example of why Jackie Gleason is

one of America's best -dressed men.

Pound for pound, the funniest guy in the
world, Mr.

Jackie Gleason.

No, sweet it is.

But I want to say something about you,
pal.

You and I have simpatico.

Dean and I have been on more floors than
Johnson's wax.

You know, he's always telling jokes
about me being drunk.

He's never seen me drunk.

He hasn't seen anything since 1947.

Oh, and there he is, Danny Thomas.

Danny has always preached religion to
me.

He was the first one to lead me to the
promised land.

One of the better massage parlors in Las
Vegas.

And my good old buddy Nipsey Russell.

You're gorgeous.

Just think, if you were white, you could
have been Sammy Davis Jr.

And my good friend Sid Caesar.

You're still my television idol. Next to
John Cameron Swayze.

That's my boy, Gene Kelly. Where are
you, Gene?

Watching you tonight was exciting as
watching Marcus Welby give Phyllis

physical.

And Phyllis Diller, what a pleasure to
see you again.

I haven't seen you since Zoo Parade was
canceled.

Phyllis is so skinny, she once walked by
a pool room and they chalked her up.

It is great to see you, Milton Berle,
tonight.

I've been Milton's friend for almost 30
years.

And there are many reasons for that.
Mostly bad luck.

is at South Foster Brooks.

Do you ever make my life into a movie?
You play the lead.

And it's good to see my old honeymooners
group.

How lovely you look, Connie.

Oh, it's really happy now. He fell in
love in New York with a

covered girl.

She used to put tops on sewers.

Umbridge to anything I said.

Because he doesn't know what the hell
Umbridge means.

And Audrey Meadows.

I'm so happy for her.

She married an airline executive and
she's doing a real charitable thing

tonight.

She's turning her check over to a
minority group.

The Friends of Milton Berle.

I always forget the day she said to me
that she was so important to the show

that if I didn't give a $5 ,000 raise,
she'd quit.

Which brings me to Sheila McRae.

As a matter of fact, Sheila looks so
sexy tonight, I think I'll have her room

sent up to mine.

This evening has been as much fun as

watching the Walton family sort
cranberries.

And there's an old saying that a man
drinks to forget.

And now that the evening is over, I'm
heading straight for the bar.