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We are high priest.

This is the Comedy Central Roast of
Charlie Sheen.

And now,

please welcome your roast master, Seth
MacFarlane.

Thank you very much.

Good evening, ladies and gentlemen.

I'm Seth MacFarlane. And yes, the big
night is finally here.

Welcome to the Comedy Central roast of
Charlie Sheen.

Yes, we're here tonight to honor and
hopefully arrest a man who was great in

things 25 years ago, Charlie Sheen.

Actually, there's a lot of sheen on TV
this evening when the show airs.

on Two and a Half Men, they're actually
having Charlie's pretend funeral,

believe it or not.

No need to switch over, though. Just
wait a few months. You can probably see

real thing.

I mean, we all know there's a good
chance Charlie will be dead soon, so I

an obituary.

Charlie Sheen, who became a tabloid
picture due to his problems with drugs

alcohol, was found dead in his
apartment.

Actually, you know what?

I kind of actually just copied Amy
Winehouse's obituary.

I only had to change three things,
though. The sex of the deceased, the

of the body, and the part that says, a
talent that will be missed.

So I know Tyson's not going to kick the
shit out of me. That's good news.

So we're going to take a few pokes at
him here tonight, but there is no

that Charlie Sheen is an icon.

You've seen him on TV, you've seen him
in movies, and if you're a prostitute,

you've seen him point a gun at your face
while you try to get him hot.

Let's take a look back at the work that
paid for all that cocaine.

Gentlemen, back.

Hey, buddy.

They're off and running.

Now, cool out.

Oh, I am cool.

What are you looking at? What are you
filing at?

I'm going to yacht you water ski behind.
How much is enough?

I am your daughter.

No, you're not.

Our two, two, two, two, two, two, two,
two, two, two, are two times ten. Tiger

blood. Yes, it's real.

It's as real as me.

I'm by

winning. Winning.

Winning. Ready.

Cool, huh? Due to pending legal action,
we are unable to show you a scene from

Two and a Half Men at this time.

Strike this mother... out.

Wild thing delivers!

You are the sexiest man I have ever laid
eyes on.

Check.

You know, I've lived a pretty wild life
with the drinking and hookers and the

drugs and the hookers.

Such a pig.

You know, usually I have to date a woman
before she treats me this way. There's

my life. Deal with it. It's on. Bring
it. Winning. Goodbye.

And now, ladies and gentlemen, it's time
to bring out the man of the hour. He

went from Ferris Bueller's day off to
having every day off.

Please welcome the rock star from Mars,
Charlie Sheen.

Thank you. Thank you.

What?

Charlie.

Thank you.

There he sits, the man of the hour.

Charlie, you claim to have tiger blood,
but with all the porn stars you've

banged, it's probably just Tiger Woods
blood, I'm guessing.

You have a lot of nicknames for
yourself. You say you're a Vatican

whatever that is. Charlie, the Vatican
does not have assassins. If they want to

shut someone up, they just buy them ice
cream and tell them if they talk, Jesus

will kill their parents.

Now, as you may know, Charlie Sheen is
not his birth name. His original Spanish

name is Señor Drugs.

Kidding aside, though, Carlos Estevez
took his dad's name to gain credibility

an actor.

I've seen your films, and you don't
really act like a sheen.

But, you know, with your rap sheet and
briefcases of coke, you're definitely

acting like a Carlos.

Charlie went on to star in TV and film,
both drama and comedy. He was the star

of Hot Shots, which is also what Charlie
feels when

he takes a piss.

I really think you and Emilio should do
a follow -up to the movie Men at Work,

and you can call it Men Who Don't Work
Anymore. Right? That would be... I'll

help you write that.

But, of course, a very public meltdown
changed the landscape.

It's interesting when you think about
it. The firing of Charlie Sheen tells

all you really need to know about
Hollywood. You can abuse drugs.

You can abuse your spouse. You can trash
hotel rooms. You can solicit

prostitutes. But don't you ever, ever
call a Jewish guy by his actual Jewish

name.

So now, Charlie is a self -contained
unit. He is dependent upon no man and no

thing, except crack, jack, crank, meth,
lewds, Vicodin, blow, acid, uppers,

poppers, E, nitrous, dust, hash, and
this one boner medicine from Norway.

He's the reason a dick with cocaine on
it is called a penis.

He's still with us, Charlie Sheen. In
fact, Charlie just celebrated his 46th

birthday.

A statement no one thought we would ever
hear. Kind of like, get Jesselnik on

the phone.

Or Jeff Ross will pay for it.

Or John Lovett saying, one at a time,
please.

Charlie allegedly made a prostitute cry
at the Plaza Hotel. I want to tell you,

though, Charlie, I think she's lying.

Because I saw the scene where you got
arrested in Wall Street. You can't even

make yourself cry.

But, you know, with all those dangerous
job shows on TV, like the ones about

crab fishing, ice road trucking, why is
there no show about the most dangerous

job out there, being an escort for
Charlie Sheen?

How long must we wait for the first
season of Deadliest Snatch? I'm ready to

that right now.

Honestly, Charlie, I never thought I
would live to see the night that you

live to see this night. I really didn't.

And now, our first roaster, John Lovett.

He was one of the stars of a Saturday
Night Live cast that the critics have

hailed as not the worst.

Ladies and gentlemen, please welcome the
star of Two and a Half Chins, one of my

favorite SNL comics ever, John Lovett.

Thank

you

for that introduction, Seth MacFarlane.

Anyway, I am John Lovett, although I
think most of you know me by my stage

J -Lo.

Well, look at this deus. Mike Tyson is
here. Yes, sir.

You know, his boxing nickname is Iron
Mike, which is what the guards used to

scream at him in the prison laundry.

I don't do that anymore, John.

Well, I know you don't do that anymore.
You're not in prison anymore.

Just making it clear.

You're funny.

Hey, how did Amy Schumer get here?

I'd ask who's bitch she sucked to get on
the dais, but she's dating Anthony

Jeselnik. So I'll just ask him.

Anthony, who's bitch did Amy suck to get
on the dais?

Who else is... Oh, hello, Steve -O. Yes,
sir.

Talked to Steve -O this morning. I said,
how's your day going?

He said, great. I woke up, took a big
shit, then got out of bed.

people on this day. I actually know
Charlie and I'm famous.

No, he's my friend. I've known him for
about 18 years and I can tell you he's

nothing like the character he plays on
TMZ.

And people say, oh, he's crazy, you
know, just because he likes beautiful

to come to his house, have sex with him
and then leave.

What a nut.

First time I hung out with Charlie was
at his house after the Super Bowl. A

bunch of hot chicks showed up and I
looked up. I saw my old girlfriend and

Charlie put his arm around me and said,
pick a hooker.

First time in my life I cried and came
at the same time.

No, it wasn't.

And now a joke.

How much blow can Charlie Sheen do?

Enough to kill two and a half men.

Man has misunderstood.

Eight balls of heroin. Bad for you? Or
as Charlie sees it, the most important

meal of the day.

Now, sure, things got pretty crazy for a
while. He was all mixed up.

But he knew it was time to get straight
when he put his dick in his coke and his

razor in his hooker.

And did you know, Charlie, according to
the Torah, he's Jewish?

And not because his mother's a Jew, but
because CBS paid him $50 million.

And he still sued the network.

Now listen, despite what you read,
Charlie's still close to all of his

Why? Well, just recently, he took Brooke
Mueller to Mexico, where he banged her

ass so hard, three balloons of coke fell
out.

But Charlie the Gentleman, he put them
back in.

Coming up, Kate Walsh. Oh, Charlie, wait
till you see what the doctor's got in

order. Mike Tyson.

Amy Schumer.

Jeff Ross.

The real Gaddafi is hiding in Charlie
Sheen's nostrils right now.

Diva. Anthony Jeselman.

William Shatner.

Patrice O 'Neill. And Charlie Sheen.
Charlie, as you put it, that just

Our next roaster is Kate Walsh.

Why are you here?

Let me say that it is a thrill to be
around the hottest, sexiest woman of

Let's give a big round of men applause
for the beautiful and talented Kate

Walsh.

Seth MacFarlane, the only difference
between you and the hooker Charlie

in the closet is that the hooker
eventually came out.

After years of playing a doctor on
Grey's Anatomy in private practice,

actually think I'm a real doctor, so I
figured I'm going to start giving some

professional diagnosis to these people
over here.

For instance, Jeff Ross, your results
have come back. And I'm going to tell

something that you have never heard
about any of your TV pilots.

You tested positive.

Congratulations, Jeff.

And Jeff, listen, I know you're
concerned about your complexion, but you

stop letting Mike Tyson all over your
face.

He looks good. I like the way he looks.
Thank you very much.

Anthony Jeselnik, I don't normally do
this, but I have to break doctor

confidentiality. Your results came back,
and it turns out that that

embarrassing, nasty parasite on your
penis is Amy Schumer.

And there is no cure.

I am so, so happy to see that William
Shatner is here because a medical

colleague told me that you passed on.

I said bullshit.

Have you seen his resume? Shatner's
never passed on anything.

Just wait.

You look great.

Your skin is so tight. I can't tell if
you've had a facelift or vaginal

rejuvenation.

Thanks, O 'Neal. I understand you have
diabetes, and as you know, this disease

is very serious and often linked to a
poor diet. So my advice is simple.

Grape soda does not count as a fruit.

Mr. Sheen, the doctor, will see you now.

I have to say, Charlie, you are an
incredible medical specimen. I guess

one of the benefits of waking up every
morning at the crack of crack.

You know, it's amazing. Despite all
those years of abusing your lungs, your

kidneys, your liver, the only thing
you've had removed is your kids.

Admittedly, Charlie gets a little
confused sometimes.

He's the only guy who pulls a knife on a
woman who's already willing to fuck

him.

I drink to that.

Michael drinks to that.

But is Charlie really the worst guy
here? So he made a chick blow him for 30

grand. Mike Tyson makes you blow him
because that's it, though. That's why.

I drink to that, too.

Isn't that right, Steve -O?

I'm happy to say whether it's your
Adonis DNA, your tiger blood, or the

called Charlie Sheen, for some reason,
you're able to defy science and medicine

and continue to survive.

I'll pencil you in for your relapse next
week.

Thank you so much. Good night.

Steve -O. Just a bunch of people having
a great time being mean to each other.

And Mike Tyson. Charlie, um, enjoyed a
night of serious bamboshment. Done when

ripped your new asshole.

And, um, I still love you. No hard
feelings.

All right.

Here comes Jeff Ross.

Who actually toured with Charlie.

You know, I always thought Jeff was a
terrible comic until I learned that he

actually is seriously for real mentally
retarded.

And now I think he's an inspiration and
a hero.

So please welcome America's special
needs comedian, Jeff Ross.

Enlisters, enablers, lend Mike Tyson
your ears.

Because this lineup is so pathetic, I
was hoping I'd get replaced by Ashton

Kutcher.

What a bunch of nobodies we're left
with. Is this a roast of the Republican

primaries?

This is hard. How do you roast a
meltdown?

Charlie's meltdown was so bad, Al Gore's
making a documentary about it.

Tell us, Charlie, how do you go from
being TV's highest paid actor ever to

the highest actor ever to be on TV?

Charlie's nostrils are so snotty and
full of coke, he calls them the Hilton

sisters.

Instead of getting his life together,
Charlie went out on a national comedy

tour.

Where every night, Charlie, you walked
on stage and you told the audience you

were a warlock from Mars.

Oh, maybe you are, but I'll tell you
what you're not.

A comedian from Earth.

Charlie Sheen is to stand up what Larry
Flint is to standing up.

winning then something's wrong with the
scoreboard come on man

charlie if you're winning then this must
not be a child custody hearing

only time your kids get to see you is in
reruns

charlie don't you want to live to see
their first 12 steps

Responsible for three Mighty Ducks
movies.

You make your own father ashamed that he
shares the same fake name as you.

Martin Sheen and Emilio Estevez said
they would have been here tonight, but

had a family obligation.

I've been up to that house.

I can tell you that Charlie is
stockpiling whores up there.

The place is packed with whores.
Charlie, you should be on hoarders.

Charlie Sheen has paid for so much sex,
he keeps his credit card under his balls

to save time.

Anthony Jeselnik, some say you're the
next Greg Giraldo.

Let's hope so.

Flash, you were awesome in the opening
of the show, man. That was cool.

Always in that top hat, man.

You're like the Abe Lincoln of rock and
roll.

Especially since you haven't had a hit
in four score in seven years.

I'm kidding, Flash. Thanks for playing
my nephew's bar mitzvah last year. That

was cool.

That was really cool.

at that. Looking good. Brooke Mueller,
Charlie's ex. What's up, babe?

She's not very bright unless Charlie's
throwing a lamp at her.

Ah, John Levitz. Great job tonight, man.
That was funny.

Nice to see you taking a break from
taking a break.

John, what's your catchphrase?

Chinning.

And there's our old roast honoree,
William Shatner, one of the coolest guys

the world.

I'm not going to make fun of him because
he looks like he's on his final

frontier.

Hey, Captain Kirk, maybe Scotty can beam
your balls up from the floor.

You old pervert.

Backstage, you flashed Kate Walsh's
graying anatomy.

And I can't believe I get to sit next to
the Iron Mike Tyson, man. One of the

coolest, most amazing athletes in the
world.

Thanks for rolling with the punches
tonight, champ.

Thank you, Jeff.

I bet you haven't been shit on this hard
since you cleaned your pigeon coop this

morning.

Not only do you love pigeons, but you
sound like one.

Listen, I'm not going to make fun of
Mike Tyson.

That's right, because I'm going to shit
on you tonight.

I know, I know. If you're willing to do
that to your face, imagine what he would

do to mine.

What is that on your face? A target for
pepper spray?

Mike, the ironic thing is after all the
faces you bashed in, the one you f***ed

up the most is your own.

Hardest hitting right hook in history.

Your opponent spent more time bleeding
in the corner than Charlie's ex -wives.

Too soon? Too soon?

Too real? Too real?

Has anybody seen your ex -goddess Brie
Olsen's latest movie?

Last time I saw that many guys coming
out of the same hole, I was watching The

Rescue of the Chilean Minors.

Charlie, by taking these punches from us
tonight, you proved to all your fans

that you're the new king of the
comebacks.

In fact,

you've won more backs than anyone in
Hollywood.

Charlie, when you were on the tour, I
roasted you eight times in eight

cities, and I got meaner every time you
were a great sport, perhaps the greatest

sport. in roast history.

And I don't know what you're going to do
next, but whatever you decide, I know

firsthand that there's an army of fans
out there waiting to check it out and

support you in a big way.

I love you guys. Thank you so much.

Coming up.

We're not going to be bashing ourselves,
but we're going to listen to Charlie

get bashed. Mike Tyson, Devo, and
William Shatner. We roasted William

and now he's back.

Can you show everybody he's a good
sport?

No, I'm not a good sport.

I'm not for revenge.

All right, our next roaster is Mike
Tyson.

Tyson's had three marriages. The first
two ended in knockouts.

He's a guy... I'm doing the... Please
don't murder me. He's a guy...

He's a guy who's beaten every opponent
he has gone up against except the letter

S.

So now...

Please be patient as he sounds out his
jokes. Ladies and gentlemen, Iron Mike

Heister!

Thank you.

Thank you very much, Seth.

Oh, man.

Well, you know, during a very dark
period in my life, I found inspiration

reading a great epic poet to Iliad.

So see, Seth, you're not the only person
that's gotten by by taking ideas from

Homer.

Idiot over there.

Idiot with a two E. Okay.

All right.

Well, if I must confess, I'm really not
a roaster because, of course, you know,

everyone, I don't like hurting people.

And I'm living, you know, more of a
spiritual life now through poetry.

And I've written...

Well,

you know, I've written, you know, many
verses in my secret garden, and now I'd

like to share them with a few of you
here today.

Thank you, everybody.

Well, this will be an honor, because as
the Bard once said, all the world's a

stage, and Charlie's been booed off the
mall.

Okay.

In this first verse, you'll recognize
the classic AABBA poetic structure.

There once was an old man named Ross
whose jokes were covered with moss.

His punchline was musty. His premise was
dusty.

I wish he was going to exhaust, you
know?

Oh, so excuse me.

What you gonna do, Jeff?

I must say, you know, I'm rather
intrigued by your puffy, grotesque

face, Jeff, you know.

Normally when I'm next to somebody whose
face is as grotesque as yours, they

throw in the f***ing towel, man. You're
a mess, man.

During your performance, I wish I bit my
own ears off, you know.

F***ing f***, man.

That was the best part.

Now, come on, stop. I got to do this
shit right. I didn't do well in school,

but I'm trying to do this shit.

All right.

Charlie, our next poem was inspired by
the great Emily Dickerson, who I

a real goddess.

You know, whatever happened to them
hoes, man?

Charlie, let me remind you something
every man must know.

Once the money goes, So does the hoes.
Trust me on that one, Charlie.

Come on, let's keep it real. You know,
Brooke, Charlie had every f***ing

known to man.

But still, you suck his d*** before you
shake Steve -O's hand.

You know?

That's just it, right?

This white, beaten coke head claims he's
some rock star from Mars.

Man, if he was black, he'd be behind
bars, you know?

Bullshit, because I'm the greatest poet
alive.

I'm the greatest wordsmith ever.

I'm Robin Frost.

I'm Lord Byron. My verses are impetuous.
My rhymes are impregnable.

I want to eat your children.

Of

course, I'm

using poetic lessons, and they haven't
revoked that one yet.

And thank you all, guys.

May your guys continue and resume to...

Being nasty and talking mean to one
another.

God bless you.

Bye, guys.

I'm finished.

Still to come.

Anthony Gentleman.

Charlie Sheen keeps saying he's winning.

That guy couldn't win a goddamn coin
toss.

William Shatner.

You sit down.

And Charlie Sheen. You can't help but
feel for him because he's your friend.

Plus, you know, he owes me a hooker, so
I'm looking for...

Does anybody know where he is? Our

next

roaster is Anthony Jeselnik.

Anthony Jeselnik's act combines the
excitement of standing there with the

of saying words.

You know him best from me saying his
name right now. Please welcome...

A man who's got a bright future in
something other than comedy, Anthony

Thank you. Seth MacFarlane, everybody,
huh?

This is MacFarlane's third time hosting
the show, which has come as no surprise.

Because when Seth MacFarlane does
something, by God, he repeats the living

out of it.

My good friend Jeff Ross is here.

Even though it's laundry day.

And Kate Wall, I don't watch that stupid
show you're on.

But I did think it was interesting that
you have your own line of perfume.

For that special lady who wants to smell
like who gives a...

I'm

glad William Shatner could squeeze this
roast into his schedule.

In between cosmetic surgeries.

Bill, your face is so plastic that when
you're done with it, They're going to

have to cut it up into little pieces so
that birds don't die.

What's up, Steve -O?

Steve -O, I know you were in a dark
place for a while. You were struggling.

now you're trying stand -up comedy.

I actually saw you perform once at the
Comedy Cellar. And here's some free

advice, Steve -O.

Don't give up your suicide.

Patrice O 'Neill is here.

You literally cannot miss him.

Holy Christ, you're fat. You look like
you deep fry your hands before you bite

your fingernails.

Mike Tyson.

That's the whole joke.

Mike Tyson, I love you. You're my
favorite boxer of all time.

I don't even want to stand up here and
make fun of you.

Besides, what can you say about Mike
Tyson that hasn't already been the title

a Richard Pryor album?

Oh, shit.

You got it. I did. Patrice got it. Too
many white people to get that. Too many

white people?

You know what no one ever says? It's too
few black people.

Mike, to me, you will always be the
champion.

You will always be the champion.

Thank you very much.

The champion of having more shit on your
face than seal.

Mike Tyson got a tattoo on his face.

So that every time he looks in the
mirror, he can be proud that converting

Islam is only the second dumbest thing
he's ever done.

That's good.

We regret it.

I will later.

And now for the man of the hour, Mr.
Charlie Sheen.

understand why you're not grateful for
what you have right now.

I mean, after all, the only reason you
got on TV in the first place is because

God hates Michael J. Fox.

Charlie, you are a monster.

Every moment of your life looks like the
first two minutes of Law & Order SVU.

You've convinced more women to have
abortions than the prenatal test for

syndrome.

And Charlie, I think the craziest thing
about you

You thought you were going to go back to
your TV show after calling your boss a

Jew.

If people got to keep their jobs after
calling their boss a Jew, Charlie,

then everyone would do it.

But Charlie.

Despite everything I've just said.

You're a good sport for being here
tonight.

Thanks for letting me be here, too.
Thank you, everybody.

Thanks.

The Comedy Central Road with Charlie
Feen is brought to you by 5 -Hour Energy

and FIFA Soccer 2012.

Still to come, Devo. This is critical if
I'm going to have a future beyond

breaking bones and shoving things up my
butt.

Amy Schumer.

I'm going to get shit, babe. I'm going
to be flaring and throwing up on

strangers. And Patrice O 'Neal.

This should be my last show.

Our next

roaster is Devo.

This guy makes it easy for us to bust
his balls and pull his leg because his

balls are usually stapled to his leg.

So now, please give up your horse semen
for Steve -O.

What an honor to be here with Mike
Tyson.

The last time I hung out with Mike, we
locked ourselves in a bathroom and

through five grams of cocaine.

But Mike's really changed his ways,
though.

See, here he is taking a beating for a
check, and it hasn't been made out to

King.

Some people know Kate Walsh as a
television actress, but

most people don't know her at all.

And my hero, Charlie Sheen.

He definitely has tiger blood coursing
through his veins.

Unfortunately, that tiger is a helpless
drug addict.

Dude, your nose is like my ass.

There's nothing you won't shove up
there.

I've been clean and sober for three and
a half years now.

But Charlie still hasn't hit rock
bottom.

I know he's looking forward to it,
though, because he thinks there's a rock

there.

You know, when Charlie started referring
to his girlfriends as goddesses, I was

confused. So I looked it up in the
dictionary.

It said goddesses, plural, noun, two
dumpsters who got sick of

buying their own drugs.

But Charlie, don't ever pretend that
you're not a totally bitch and rock star

for Mars, because you are.

And I love you.

And I am so grateful that you've let me
be a part of this tonight.

Right now, I'm going to do something
insanely stupid for you.

I am going to attempt to get a black eye
from the former heavyweight champion of

the world.

ready. Let me get that fist.

We're not going to call the police or
anything after this.

All right.

One, two, three.

I think that'll do it.

what it looks like when an asshole gets
fisted, I guess. All right.

All right, what can I say about Amy
Schumer?

I actually mean that sincerely. I've
never heard of this woman.

So please get ready for the comedy
stylings of the fourth runner -up of the

fifth season of Last Comic Standing, Amy
Schumer.

Mike Tyson.

Am I saying that right?

Wasn't he great up here?

No, I'm asking. I couldn't understand a
word he said.

Mike, your voice sounds like a girl
crying.

Every time you speak, do you give
yourself an erection?

Sometimes. That's what I'm talking
about. Hey, hey, hey, Mike, here's

you'll never hear. Great tattoo.

You have a slutty lower back tattoo on
your face.

I don't know whether to be scared of it
or finish on it.

It's so dark and wrinkly and constantly
getting pounded. It's like Patrice's

grandmother's asshole after a gospel
brunch.

I'm just assuming she raised you.

Patrice O 'Neill, one of my favorite
comics. Patrice has always been destined

for stardom and diabetes.

So tonight... is not just the roast of
Charlie Sheen. It's also a farewell

for Patrice's foot.

Holy shit.

Evil.

I was sitting next to this bitch the
whole time. I didn't know this was

That's true.

If Amy had as many dicks coming out as
she had going in, she'd look like a

fucking porcupine.

It's his interpreter here.

What's your last name?

Vandersloot. What is it?

You have all the likability of a Hitler
youth. Look at you.

Speaking of Kate Walsh. Kate, to some
people, Grey's Anatomy is more than a TV

show. In fact, Grey's Anatomy is what
William Shatner calls his balls.

Right?

William.

I've seen less bloated men dredged out
of rivers.

What's going on?

And Steve -O is here. Steve -O, great
try.

Steve -O!

But I truly am, no joke, sorry for the
loss of your friend Ryan Dunn. I know

must have been thinking it could have
been me, and I know we were all

why wasn't it?

Thank you.

away from me.

Speaking of things that should already
be dead, Charlie Sheen is still alive.

Charlie, I'm a fan. You were amazing in
Platoon. Your marriage to Denise

Richards, it was kind of like her
Vietnam because she was constantly

being killed by Charlie.

But there's no denying how famous you
are. I mean, it was international news

when you ruined the lives of those two
girls living with you.

You know, your daughters.

But no, I mean, Charlie, you get a bad
rap, but you're just like Bruce Willis.

You know, you were big in the 80s and
now you're old slot being filled with

Ashton Kutcher.

But all joking aside, if you ever need a
friend to pee in a cup for you, I'm

your gal. Thanks for having me.

You know what's funny? I've never met
William Shatner. Coming up, William

Shatner. And I'm very much looking
forward to meeting Shatner.

Patrice O 'Neill. That's just crazy,
man. And Charlie Sheen. Wow, look at

statues.

Sorry. What was the question?

All right, our next roaster is the
legendary William Shatner.

Here he is. I can't joke about this guy
because I think he's the greatest.

The guy who played Captain Kirk back
before Star Trek looked like a bunch of

guys working in a Mac store, William
Shatner.

Thank you, thank you, thank you. Keep it
going for a test, Bono.

Uh, Charlie.

I was driving by tonight, and I heard
that they were doing a roast, and I

thought, what a great, great opportunity
to offer this young Mexican a bit of

fatherly advice he so clearly hasn't
been getting.

You see, I've been doing this for quite
a while now, and I think that I can

bestow on you some of the vast wisdom
from my experience in this wonderful

business of entertainment.

First off, Charlie, I'm 80 years old.

You're what, 47?

46. How come we look like we went to
high school together?

You're going too fast, son. You've got
to slow down and smell the roses, my

That's why I have such a storied and
illustrious career.

Because I'm patient.

I was willing to wait a long time to get
into the right projects.

Just like Patricia O 'Neill's family.

Okay, sorry.

You're out of a job. Don't feel sad.

I know another famous guy who was kind
to whores and always kept 12 losers

around. And he got crucified by Jews,
too.

And people worship that guy.

Look, look, Carlos.

I've had my share.

The wild times with the senoritas.

I've had sex in space with green women.

Sure, you've had sex with blue women
because unlike you, they couldn't handle

their drugs.

that kind of press, Charlie.

In my day, if I wanted that kind of
publicity, I had to do something drastic

like kiss a black girl or let an Asian
drive.

May I suggest to you, Charlie, that

you re -examine your relations with
women?

Prostitutes cost a lot of money,
Charlie. Hasn't anyone told you that

will sleep with you for free?

That's Hollywood 101.

You should have called.

You know what will help you get through
this tough spot?

You have to give something back.

See, I was recently at a celebrity
auction where I sold one of my kidney

for $75 ,000.

Oh, yeah. Oh, yeah.

Do you understand what I've done?

I synthesized uric acid.

and calcium inside my bladder and turned
it into a house for Habitat for

Humanity.

Who's the warlock now, bitch?

Actually, Emilio, we're not that
different.

You're a rock star from Mars.

Yes, you are.

And as one rocket man to another,

If I may give you my most important
piece of advice tonight, never,

ever forget to book your next rehab stay
through Priceline .com.

Charlie,

see, you take it from the master, that
little subtle plug there, $65 right in

the pocket.

Look at the time. Oh, geez.

Simply, I must get home. I want to catch
that new Ashton Kutcher show.

Do you know him?

Nice guy.

I went to high school with his wife.

Thank you very much.

He was so fattenery. How awesome was
that?

Our next roaster is Patrice O 'Neill.

You may recognize Patrice from his many
speaking roles in movies, but only if

you've sat in front of him in a theater.

I know.

I know. Some of these jokes may come off
racist, which is why it's important to

remember that Rosa Parks fought so
Patrice could take three seats on the

So please welcome a guy who looks like
Chris Farley after a mineshaft

the very funny Patrice O 'Neill.

Thank you very much.

I, uh, it's strange because I had all
this planned shit, but I didn't.

I didn't know William Shatner was going
to be quasi like an old racist man. But

everybody's giggling like, whoa, you're
an

asshole, Captain Kirk.

What are you talking about?

Like, I don't respect him, but I respect
him because he's Captain Kirk.

But I think he might be racist because
his hair plugs look like black girls'

hair.

This is amazing.

Like, I wasn't going to be mean to
Anthony. I don't know him. I never met

Like, so I'm sitting here watching him,
and I'm like, he has way too much

confidence.

Like, in my world, he's an open mic.
Nobody knows him.

And nobody should. Like, nobody should
know Anthony.

I refuse to learn his last shitty name.

I learned Galifianakis.

That's the last shitty last name.

This is what you're going to learn in
this fucking town.

He reminds me of a medieval restaurant
waiter. Like, his old demeanor, like,

hello, may I welcome to, and you just
want to go shut the fuck up and bring me

my giant turkey leg, you nothing.

How the fuck can I be too mean?

after all this shit. I can't believe it.
I'm dying of diabetes and you

motherfuckers are like, oh, that evil
fat, you know.

I consider Seth an icon. I do. Like, I
got a critique about Seth.

It's too much Seth.

It's... Like, it's almost like he's
jealous of his own creation.

Where he wants to prove I'm better than
the cartoons.

But he's not better than the cartoons.

See, but I think the problem is with
Seth is that he don't have a partner.

You know, like the South Park guys or
Hanna -Barbera.

I know we've read that old story that
Hanna once said, I'm bigger than Yogi.

Barbera slapped the shit out of him for
saying that.

Seth needs a Barbera.

To slap him and slap him twice.

Once to say, hey man, don't forget why
people love you.

And two, just say you're gay.

No straight man writes that many show

tunes. That's a fact.

I love Mike Tyson and I don't have much
to say. I'm just disappointed and hurt

at how much.

comfort white people have around you
now. I don't like it.

As Steve -O, this noose of dude not
drunk you, it stinks, man.

Why are you still looking at me like
that, Mr. Shatner, sir? You're like,

had more for that. I didn't say it. I
should have said it because he's an

asshole.

Jeff Ross, I love you, I guess.

Look, Jeff Ross is a legend. His
funniness is a legend.

But when I say legend, I mean a myth.

Like the Loch Ness Monster or Bigfoot.
We all believe they exist, but who

ever saw it?

I've turned down many roasts. I have.
About three or four of them. And I said

yes to this, and I'm dead -ass serious.
I said yes to this because I respect

Charlie Sheen. I do. I say yes because I
respect... Not his body of work.

Like, not... It's all been very
Christian Slayer -ish. Like, it's just

He sucks, but he's good. But he sucks at
the same time.

His stand that he made against the
business, I think this is a business,

stood up. He still survived.

And he proved that nobody can keep like
a sheen down, you know.

They can keep Estevez down because his
brother.

And he's the good one that most do
everything right. And that career is

Holy.

Tiger blood? He's selling his own blood
to make money.

But I want to say to your eyes, man, I
love that you stood up to what you

thought was wrong. And I'm impressed by
you. And I wanted to say that.

So thank you, man. Thanks for having me.
Y 'all take care. Thank you.

Charlie Sheen goes off.

He's winning. I mean, when you're
winning, you can take anything.

Give it as good as you get it, my
friend.

I hope all you clowns are ready for my
sheen yet.

And now it is time for the moment we've
all been waiting for.

We're going to get to hear a ranting
tirade from the man himself.

Ladies and gentlemen, I give you a man
with a big heart because it's been

dangerously enlarged by cocaine use.

Charlie Dean.

Hello. I'm Charlie.

Wow. Wow.

Wow.

What a night.

Until tonight, I never realized how up I
was.

All this time, I thought I was just
having fun.

Yeah, it's true.

It's true. I've hung around with a lot
of shady people over the years.

Losers.

drug addicts, dealers, desperate whores.

But to have you all here on one night is
really special.

My thanks to Seth MacFarlane.

Great job tonight.

Look at you, Seth. You've got the spray
-on tan, the waxed eyebrows.

The pec implants, halogen teeth, the
bleached anus,

the scrotal tuck, nipple enlargement,

taint augmentation.

But I got to admit, I envy you.

You've got boatloads of money, three TV
shows, and still, even with all the work

you've had done, you can walk down the
street totally unrecognized.

Tonight, I put all the craziness behind
me.

I say let the past stay in the past with
John Lovitz.

Steve -O, you're an animal, man.

People say I'm crazy, but you, you're
the real deal.

This guy actually got a tattoo of his
own face on his back.

There it is.

There it is.

Even he knows it was a huge mistake
because it makes Johnny Knoxville's go

Hate law.

I don't know anyone who watches your
show.

Because I date women who can still get
their period.

Anthony Jeselnik.

I really liked your slow, measured
delivery.

It's as if you were trying to savor the
moment.

Years from now, when you're locking up
at Radio Shack, you'll look back at

tonight and say, I wish I

was funnier.

The only thing slower than your delivery
is Patrice O 'Neill's metabolism.

When I first saw Patrice on this stage,
I thought the same thing we all did.

Why is Mike Tyson's mother here?

But Mike, no, no, Mike, Mike, Mike, you
were fantastic tonight.

By the way, Mike, I'm sorry for drinking
all the blood out of your tiger. I was

going through a weird phase.

Ah, look, there he is.

Jeff Ross.

Jeff, Jeff, that Gaddafi outfit is
perfect for you because you have what I

call a Libyan faith.

By that I mean it's revolting.

Oh, hey, look, look.

It's former funny man John Lovitz.

Just last week we were out on the golf
course. We chatted, had a few laughs,

then he got back on the mower and drove
off.

Amy Schumer, great job.

You really f***ed me tonight.

Which I did because I'm into anonymous
sex.

And no one's more anonymous here than
Amy Schumer.

I mean, I'm Charlie f***ing Sheen. They
know me on Mars.

They don't know you in this room.

You know, I personally asked that
William Shatner be here only because I

some clean urine.

I had to wring it out of the diaper, but
it did the job.

You've always been an inspiration to my
acting.

It was your work on Star Trek that
inspired me to act like an asshole until

rest of the cast stopped speaking to me.

But look, this has been both
enlightening and fun.

You are all worthy adversaries.

But the thing is, once again, I have
come out unscathed.

You can't hurt me.

Hell, I can't even hurt me.

Drugs couldn't kill me.

Sex couldn't kill me.

The press couldn't kill me. Two and a
half men couldn't kill me.

Did you really think your little jokes
were going to hurt me?

I'm the wild thing. Ricky and Vaughn,
man.

You're looking at a guy who thrives on
chaos.

At 10 years old, I was on the set of
Apocalypse Now in the Philippine jungle

playing with severed heads and Colonel
Kurtz's compound.

When I did Ferris Bueller, my first line
in the film was drugs.

I thought they were asking me how I
wanted to be paid.

After Platoon, Wall Street, and Major
League, I went on to have the biggest

salary on television.

Sounds great, right?

It was.

No, really, it was.

I did porn stars.

I did drugs.

I had my own television show.

And then, then I did the one thing that
everyone in America really wishes they

could do.

I told my boss to go off.

And then it was gone.

In one fiery public flame out.

And it was only when the smoke cleared,
I realized.

Just how lucky I am.

Because even after all that, I still
have a family that loves me.

That's why they're not here tonight.

Yeah, they've seen me in jail.

They've seen me rush to emergency rooms.

They've seen me dragged into court.

But seeing me on basic cable would kill
them.

But I know, I know that my family will
always be there for me.

So what I'm trying to say is that I'm
done with the winning

because I've already won.

This roast may be over, but I'm Charlie
Sheen.

And in here, in here burns.

An eternal fire.

I just have to remember to keep it away
from a crack pipe.

I'll see you all on the next adventure.

I love you. Good night. Thank you.

Yeah. Come on, Steve -O.

Don't hurt me.

Oh, shit. That's the way they're not.

That's the way they're not.

You okay? That's the way they're not.

Broken nose. You all right?

You all right? Broken nose. Oh, shit.

He broke his nose.

I'm sorry.

It's his fault, dude.

It's not his fault.

We need a medic.

I need a medic for this man. No, no, no.
It's all good, man.

Steve -O.

Steve -O? Yeah.

What the?

You're beautiful, man. I don't even know
what that guy. You're beautiful.