Original subtitles

Shower, Inspector.

Dharma, I'm going to be late for work.

I'm sorry about that, sir, but I have a job to do.

So I'll be a little late.

Uh -huh, you're going to be a lot late.

Hang on, soap in my eye.

Hey, look at that, you've got a gray hair.

Where? Not out there, in here.

Ow! Got it!

Hey, it's got a buddy. Leave the buddy! Leave the buddy!

Excuse me.

I'm Rick Sanderson. I have an appointment to see Greg Montgomery.

So he's expecting you?

Yeah, I assume so. I have an appointment.

So you're not sure?

No, I was kind of making a joke.

Sir, this is a security area. There's no joking.

Also, I didn't get it.

When you make an appointment, that means somebody's expecting you. Okay, well,

now you've completely changed your story, haven't you?

Is there a problem here? No, no, everything's fine, Chief.

Code orange. Code orange.

I'm Rick Sanderson.

I went to the same law school as Greg Montgomery.

I made an appointment to see him through the Alumni Association, so he is

expecting me. This is the third story he's told me.

Morning, Larry. Walter. Hey, Greg.

Oh, Greg Montgomery?

You don't have to answer that.

I'm Rick Sanderson. Oh, great. Come on up. Thank you so much for taking the

to see me, Mr. Montgomery. Oh, please, call me Greg. My dad's Mr. Montgomery.

Oh, yes, sir.

Okay, cancel code orange.

Resume code green.

Yeah, so I think the coolest thing was Mr. Montgomery let me sit in on a

with the legal department. You really can call me Greg.

Right, I'm sorry. That's how I was brought up. It's not because you're old

anything.

He's getting there. Did you tell him what I found in the shower this morning?

It didn't come up, darling.

So does your wife know that she's married to a legend? Oh, sure, that part

the shower story you tell them.

I imagine he's talking about something else.

Yeah, see, every fall, the third -year law students do something to freak out

the first year. So the story is Greg passed out fake campus maps at

so everyone looking for constitutional law wound up at the communication arts

building.

They're still talking about that, huh?

It's ancient history.

Oh, no kidding.

Well, anyway, I should probably get going. Thanks for dinner and everything.

Sure, sure. You know, let me know if there's anything else I can do.

Yeah, just don't call in the afternoon because that's when he takes his nap.

I said that's when you take your nap.

Thanks again, dear. See you later.

Aw, you're not really upset, are you? No, just grumpy. I'm a grumpy old guy.

I mean, you're not old. You can't tease real old guys because they yell and

shake their canes at you.

I know you're teasing, but that kid out there giving me the business seriously

thinks I'm an old guy.

You think maybe it's because you say things like giving me the business?

All right, all right. That kid that was dissing me.

Dissing? Ooh, it's hammer time.

Oh, Greg? Yeah?

How long has this bronze army guy been in here? So you don't put it in Ziploc

something, it can get crusty.

I don't believe this.

I've been Eisenhowered.

Rick must have snuck this in through the back door when he came in here to get

water.

Okay.

Why?

Now, when I was in law school, there was this club, and we used to play this

crazy game, and apparently they still do.

I'll bet he got the glory schnauzer.

Let's not jump to any conclusions.

The Glory Schnauzer is that little ceramic doggy lighter, and it's like the

trophy, you know? And the guy who has it is the big dog, and I had it for like

ten years.

Wow.

Just for the record, I married you without even knowing you were the big

Well, I'm not anymore.

That little punk.

Now, coming in here, taking your little Glory Schnauzer, giving you the

business.

Let's get him back.

Dharma, it's not that easy.

This game has very specific rules invented by very drunken law students.

We have 23 hours to switch it back. We have to be invited into the victim's

home. And because it's the re -Eisenhower, which is the response to

Eisenhower, I'd have to get a photo of Rick with the head in front of the

Jamaican flag.

The Jamaican flag? Yeah, not all the guys were drunk.

Sounds like a blast.

Let's do it. I used to have fun doing this when I was in law school, but I

had fun, you know, playing the I object drinking game in moot court. I'm grown

up now.

Oh, great.

You play games. You play golf. You play tennis. Last night we played pizza boy

at the women's prison.

I'm not going to do this. Why?

Because I've got two gray hairs. Just one now.

makes you look distinguished.

Sorry I'm late. I was making really good time, so I just kept going.

Whatever.

I hit all the green lights. You can't pass up a thing like that.

Pickle scene, it doesn't matter. You can come in late, you can come in early,

you can sleep here, you can stay home. It really doesn't matter what you do.

Wow.

You are a very nice man.

No, actually, I'm a bit of a bastard.

But with you, my hands are tied.

Why?

Because your daughter is married to Ed Montgomery's son.

Go on.

Whoa.

Welcome, big dog.

Say hello to your glory schnauzer recovery team.

Jeremiah, I thought I'd made it pretty clear that I've hung up the schnauzer.

You can't hang up a schnauzer that you don't have, Greg.

Now hear me out.

Ladies.

Now, Rick Sanderson lives in a four -story apartment building on Post

According to reliable sources, at 6 .30, Rick leaves for an hour workout at the

gym.

At 6 .31, Marcy will approach the doorman. She's hysterical. She lost her

grandmother's brooch in the bushes.

At that moment, Simone will walk by and relieve the doorman of his keys.

Wait a minute.

Doorman, it's not that easy to pick someone's pocket.

Simone hands the keys off to Pete.

Pete and Susan enter the building.

Using the stolen keys, Pete and Susan enter apartment 4C, directly above

apartment. The occupants are away on their honeymoon. The woman in 4B gives

six months max.

Pete and Susan now place the Eisenhower head into a hollowed -out panda doll,

which they attach to a rope and take into the bathroom.

By this time, Rick is back. He is stopped by Simone.

I'm going dancing tonight with my girlfriends, and I can't decide which is

sexier, my low -cut cashmere sweater or my sheer blouse.

Could you help me decide?

They agree she'll come to his apartment to model the outfits later.

Rick looks forward to this.

Rick suspects nothing as he passes the neighborhood bag lady, Ruby.

Or is it Ruby?

The pigeon is in the building.

Now, for reasons we don't fully understand, Rick owns a large stuffed

Hang on. How do you know that?

Pete took some pictures from across the street.

Oh, Pete.

Some of those are from another case I'm working on.

Anyway, there's a knock at Rick's door.

It's Susan.

My water was turned off in the middle of a shower. Can I finish in your

apartment?

Rick shrugged. A woman in a towel is never a bad thing.

Susan hides the towel, being careful not to disrupt any of Rick's possessions.

She also retrieves the panda.

At this point, Simone swings into action, most likely Rick approved.

As Simone heads to the bathroom to change into outfit number two...

You, my distinguished friend, arrive as a parcel delivery man, looking handsome

as a man in uniform always does.

Wait a minute. He'll recognize me. No, he won't, because you'll be wearing my

father's Oliver North mask.

What Oliver North mask?

The one he wore to the Iran -Contra protest that no one got because it

like Dick Clark.

You might be suspicious of a delivery guy, but because he looks like Dick

if he suspects anything, it would be that he's won some sort of creepstakes.

Hang on. Hang on.

I wouldn't look like Dick Clark. I'd look like a guy in a mask.

The point is, you'll be disguised. You can wear what you wore last Halloween.

I'm a pirate delivery guy?

You find a disguise.

Anyway, you occupy Rick for a moment at the door. How?

Introduce him to your parrot.

Meanwhile, Simone unrolls the towel and tacks it to the wall.

On the reverse side is the flag of Jamaica.

She sets the fake panda bear in position. When Rick sees the flag, he's

confused.

At that moment, Simone unveils the Eisenhower.

Rick looks around for a camera, but hey, you're just a delivery guy holding a

package.

reunites in front of the building, will calmly walk to the van, simply drive

away.

I'm in.

John, how's it going?

Two days, not a puff. Great.

Where have you been? Rick Blatt, everyone's in position.

Where's your mask?

Dharma, I told you a mask isn't going to work. I stopped and picked up this.

You're going to be a fisherman?

Stage makeup.

The subtle illusion of character.

You don't know about stage makeup? For your information, I was in four hasty

pudding reviews at Harvard, and in our summer camp variety show, I performed an

excerpt from Mark Twain's Night. I got a standing ovation. Okay, fine. Boom!

Okay.

Here you are, ma 'am.

A quarter?

Wait, I think you have to make a...

Cheapskate. Marcy, that's your cue.

Oh, I thought you really had an itch.

help you?

I lost my... Yes?

I'm sorry. I can't lie to you. I haven't lost anything.

Hands off, Columbus. You just got enough.

Make it look real.

Two words.

Brass. Mint.

What happened?

I'm sorry. I should have told you. I'm a terrible liar.

Is the part of the delivery... person still open.

Okay, fine. Don't lie, but just distract him. Go.

Simone! Hi, remember me? We met earlier.

Actually, we didn't meet.

Oh, I like your shoes.

Ma 'am, would you like me to call you a cab?

Oh, no thanks.

Oh, what do you call that?

An awning.

Hey!

He got snagged on my sweater.

No good. His keys are in a chain. All I could get was his wallet, his watch, and

his nicotine patch.

Okay, well, that doesn't really help, and it's kind of mean.

Oh, my God.

What did he do? Like, one spit up? I'm going to go get some more. No, forget

cutters, the keys. Just get in position.

Here, follow me.

Hi, how you doing?

Listen, uh, you got a cigarette, piece of gum?

Yeah, sure.

Give it to me. Come on. You have gum?

Look, we're hustling for the people in Forestry, and we need the key.

Oh, okay. Look, do me a favor. They're smokers. Give me a pack of cigarettes.

Lights, menthol, whatever.

The reports of my death are greatly exaggerated.

What do you think?

Look, you're a beautiful woman. I'm sure you'll look great in whatever you wear.

Maybe I wasn't clear. Okay, there's a good chance you're going to see my

And there's also a good chance that you have a giant boyfriend who will chain me

to the toilet and you'll end up with my stereo.

Dude, maybe you wouldn't be so worried about some giant boyfriend if you spent

more than five minutes at the gym.

Hey, okay, call Dama and let him know we're in.

All I was saying was that there was a moment during that kiss where it shifted

from acting to not acting. One more inappropriate remark and I'm out of

Why don't I just go in the bedroom, get comfortable, and whatever happens after

that's up to you.

You're disgusting.

How is that disgusting?

Panda! Panda!

Panda! Okay, hold on. Where are you going? Some place where somebody wants

see my breath.

Okay, what are you doing out here? I'm not going to spend one more minute with

that... Pete,

what happened with Susan?

Why? Is she talking about me?

Just cover for her.

What do you think? Too much? No, no, no, no, no, no. It's the subtle illusion of

character.

Hey,

sorry to bother you, man. I was taking a shower down the hall and...

For some reason, my hot water went out. Do you mind if I rinse off in your

shower? Your hair's not human, lad. Hey, let's not make a big deal out of this,

okay, buddy?

Are you crazy, man?

Hey, don't. Hey.

Package. Package. Call the cops.

No, Tom, we have to be invited.

Ask them to phone in.

Where's your phone?

It's in the kitchen.

There's the invitation. Come on.

Greg? Not hardly, Junior.

Open the towel. Open the towel. Show the plan. Make it under here.

Peace.

Consider yourself Eisenhower, Junior.

Hello, noise now.

So long, Tucker.

This is nice. What is this, velour?

Listen, I could do some security stuff if you wanted.

Did your slinky make it down all 40 flights?

Yeah, and you have to restart it on the landing. I take some of the fun out of

it, huh?

Yeah.

Hi, Walter.

When did you get the croquet set outside?

Oh, I can't take all the credit for that.

Mr. Abbey, I know I said we were going to go up to the roof and do it on the

heliport, but I'm feeling a little guilty about work.

You sure? I was listening to Garrison Keillor in the car.

Don't worry.

Your little prairie home companion will be back later.

Okay.

Don't work too hard.

No good, God.

My own solitaire is not working late, Edward.

If you don't want to see Mandy Patinkin in concert, why don't you just say so?

I don't want to see Mandy Patinkin in concert.

Well, it's a little late for that now, isn't it?

Listen, Ed, I really appreciate you looking out for me.

But I just don't think it's right, my getting special treatment around here.

Okay. Walter, no more special treatment for Finkelstein. Thanks, Ed.

Finkelstein, you're fired.

Fired? Anything else, Larry?

Edward, dear, we have to go. You're all love to Abby.

We did it!

Let's toss the champagne. I'll meet you in the bed.

You got it, big dog.

Get ready for the fur to fly.

Oh, no.

What? You can't just leave the head like that. There's got to be rules for re

-re -eisenhowering.

Is there butter on the windowsill?

Yeah. Yeah.

Then they're probably, um...

That's in the bathroom.

Okay. What do we do now? Do?

Mm -hmm. We absolutely don't do anything. Dorma, I'm too old for this.

No, you're not.

It's just what you've been doing with your hair lately.

You know, there's a time in your life for sneaking busts of Eisenhower into

people's dorm rooms, and there's a time in your life for putting that behind

you.

Says who?

Everyone believes that.

I don't.

Well, if we keep going, it gets pretty crazy. Bring it on, baby!

Hey, you ever done it with an old guy in a room full of ducks?

That depends. How many is a room full?

I'm here to apply for the security guard job.

Nice try, Pinkerstein.

It was worth a shot.