All language subtitles for Dharma & Greg s04e05 Midwife Crisis

Oh, your mother was a vegetarian.

Oh, she is. But apparently the baby
isn't, and she doesn't want to impose

beliefs.

I was just going to butter it for you.

Everyone, I'd just like to say thank you
for making this a wonderful

Thanksgiving dinner. I know I speak for
Dharma when I say that we're very

grateful that everyone was able to put
their differences aside and enjoy this

event as a family.

Right on.

What butter you were talking about?
You're just making conversation?

I'm on it.

Do you think this would be a good time
to make our little announcement?

Is that gravy or sweet potato?

Yes, well, why don't I just do it?

Abby, Larry, over the last few years,
we've come to consider you, for lack of

better word, family.

And we would like to do something
special to help out with your new

What do you mean, help out?

Well, come along, we'll show you.

Now, there's pie.

Voila. Abby, Larry, enjoy.

You're giving us a van?

Hey, we won this in some charity raffle.
We have no use for the damn thing.

But you were the first people we thought
of. Happy baby.

Wow, do you believe this?

No. I mean...

I told my parents to be nice to your
folks because of the baby, but... Boy,

good. Greg.

This is not good.

How is it not good?

So that's it, huh?

We're too poor to get our own car?

We can't provide for our own child?

We need charity from Mommy and Daddy
Warbucks?

So maybe that's how it's not good?
Maybe.

If you ask me, that was the best
Thanksgiving yet.

You're kidding, right?

No one's mad at us.

Yeah, but we'd still be standing in the
garage listening to them yell if your

mother hadn't had a sudden urge for
chicken and waffles.

Probably. Your father called my father a
pimp for the Republican underbelly.

What is that?

I don't know.

But again...

Nobody's mad at us.

I guess the smart thing to do is just
stay out of it, right?

Yeah, that would be the smart thing.

Okay, good night.

Good night.

Okay, here's the thing.

My parents have a van that they do not
want and that your parents desperately

need. That's pretty much what I came
away with.

If Larry could just get past his pride,
he has a lot to gain here. No question.

But that's not going to happen, right?
Probably not.

Okay.

Good night. Good night.

There's got to be a way to make Larry
understand that he's just cutting off

nose to spite his face.

Do you want to talk to him?

Somebody has to.

Then we'll go over there tomorrow.

Okay.

Good night.

Hopefully they'll just be mad at you.

All right, Larry, I will grant you that
it is possible that my father gave you

the van to parade his vast wealth before
you like a feudal lord tossing table

scraps to the peasants.

Thank you.

But isn't it also possible that he was
just trying to do a nice thing?

By what warped logic is giving someone a
brand new car a nice thing? Well...

Greg. Come on, Larry, regardless of what
you feel about my parents, wouldn't

this be a great thing for you, Abby, and
the baby? Yeah, and think about all

the... the things that it has that you
don't have in the old van, you know?

Power windows, built -in baby seats,
spare tire, turn signals.

Reverse.

It even comes with a built -in TV and
VCR.

TV in a van?

Yeah, and it's got a video game and
everything.

And this means a lot to your parents?

You'd be doing them a favor.

Come on.

Let's go take another look, just you and
me.

See you later.

Bye. You're doing a good thing. It's
because I'm a giver, Greg.

How are you feeling?

A little bloated, actually.

Really? Did you have anything salty?

No, I don't think so.

Oh, wait.

Yeah, this morning I had a bowl of salt.

I was thinking if I'm going to be a good
midwife for you, we should go over the

birth plan again.

Well, actually, Dharma, I have some
really good news about that.

Yeah. Do you remember when we went to
the spiritual midwifery seminar to hear

Chloe Spencer Chung?

Oh, yeah. She was amazing.

Wow.

When did the versatile vagina come out
in paperback?

Just this month. She was signing him at
V. Dalton, you know.

And I went and we got to talking.

And it turns out that she was available.

For what?

To be my midwife.

Instead of me? No.

No, no.

With you, you know? The two of you
together.

Well, don't you think that's a little
last minute, Abby? You're due in a

weeks. Well, honey, she's the best
midwife in the country.

Look, even Dr. Art Uline thinks so.

Are you sure we need her, Abby? I mean,
I'm your daughter. I've been through

your birth canal. I know the way.

I'd really like to do this.

All right, Lena, it's your birth, and if
it's going to make you happy, then

let's do it. Oh, great.

Great. Hey, you know what? If you're
feeling bloated, why don't you take a

long walk and get your circulation
going, okay? That's a good idea.

Hey. Maybe we could walk up to
Vitelli's, grab a couple of meatball

Vitelli's? Are you sure? That's a very
long hike.

Yeah, you're right.

We should drive.

Controls are laid out nice.

Everything right at your fingertips.

How much longer is this going to take? I
don't know.

Larry, do you want to drive it again?

No, thanks. I don't want to put any
extra mileage on it in case I wind up

it. Good thinking, Larry.

Let's talk turkey.

What's there to talk about? Do you want
the van or not? Yes. Great.

But I'm not just going to take it.

Why? Because if I take it, he owns me. I
don't want to own you.

Good. Because Larry Finkelstein is not
for sale. Good. I think we're making

progress here. How about this? How about
I put a brick on the gas pedal and

point it toward the bay?

You were so close.

Here's what I'm prepared to do, Ed.

I'll buy it from you.

Fine. How much do you want to give me
for it?

Oh, no.

How much do you want to sell it for?

Okay, how about one dollar?

Oh, sure. And then you get me with the
undercoating and the floor mats and the

extended warranty.

I'm getting the brick, Dad.

I'm getting the brick!

Dharma.

I love your family very much.

But my father is going to bludgeon your
father to death with a brick. And I'm

going to... Uh, listen to this crap.

Labor pains hurt because our brain
doesn't know how to listen to our

So set aside some time each day to
dialogue with your uterus, your cervix,

yes, your vagina.

That's the new Harry Potter book?

Chloe Spencer Chung. Abby's bringing her
into midwife with me.

And that's not a good thing. No, please.

My mother just wants to tell her friends
that a hopsy -topsy author massaged her

perineum.

Who could blame her?

I'll get it.

Hello?

Larry? Larry, I told you, I can't deal
with this anymore.

You'll have to work it out with my
father.

Larry, I can't hear you. You're breaking
up. We're going through a tunnel.

Yes, the whole apartment.

Yes, I do.

Now, the first thing I do with all my
moms is make sure there's a good

birth plan.

Will there be chanting?

Are we underwater?

Are we doing anything festive with a
placenta?

Well, actually, yeah, Chloe, Dharma, and
I worked out our birth plan.

There you go. I think I got everything.

Very nice, dear.

I'm sure there are things in here we can
use.

Anyway, a lot of my...

and moms have had success with a squat
position.

Oh. Well, that's a possibility. I could
squat.

Squat. Abby, I thought we decided that
you were going to bend over the big

rubber ball.

She has a bad back.

Yeah, I understand, but that's no reason
to turn it into a circus act.

No, Abby, let's say squatting, and I'll
find you some stretching exercises for

your back. I think it's a little late
for stretching.

This woman dropped a lamb chop yesterday
and had to lay down to eat it.

You know, I think I'd like to squat.

Good for you, dear.

Now, let's discuss creating a conducive
atmosphere in that cold, sterile

hospital room.

Yeah, um, we actually have some ideas
for that. We're going to bring in a lot

houseplants and throw pillows. And here
are our choices for aromatherapy, Sam.

Oh, aromatherapy.

Lavender.

No.

Sandalwood? My goodness, no.

What is that word?

Eucalyptus. Are we expecting a little
koala baby?

We're obviously starting from square one
here. I'm a little pressed for time,

actually. I've got to fly to L .A. I'm
appearing on Celebrity Jeopardy.

Wow. Yes.

So why don't we all regroup on Thursday?
and we'll straighten it all out. I

can't. I teach a yoga class Thursday
night.

Oh, well, I'm sure your students need
you much more than we do, so why don't I

just meet up with Mom alone, huh?

Ta -ta.

Ta -ta.

Ta -ta.

Unbelievable. Yeah, I know.

Chloe Spencer Chung is going to check
the dilation in my cervix.

You're living the dream.

some stretching exercises before you get
into bed.

No.

Okay. Remember from Chloe's book that
says you should stretch before you lie

down. Why not let Mom decide and not
rely on what you read in a book?

But it's your... Okay.

Abby, how about I put some music on? Do
you want whale sounds or Jan at the inn?

Dharma was a cassette in my bag marked
early labor. Why don't we put that on?

Why don't we let Mom decide what she'd
like to hear? Oh, I don't think we want

to bother her now, do we? But you
just... Okay.

What are you asking me for? I'm just
here to crush the ice, change the music,

and keep this stupid smile on my face.

Hey, Abby. How's it going?

Don't ask Mom how it's going, because
that might seem like we're rushing her,

right?

Sorry. It's all right.

We don't have to say we're sorry when
we're learning.

Great. Your father and I agreed that I
buy the van from him for fair market

value, so I dropped off a money order in
his mailbox and drove away in my brand

new van. Check it out.

Unlocked.

Locked.

Unlocked. You want to try it? No, it's
okay.

Abby,

you want to try it? It might take your
mind off things.

Maybe this would be a good time to
cleanse your aura.

Oh, you know, Dharma's really good at
that.

Oh, all right. I suppose we can let her
have a go at it.

Thank you.

Abby, just close your eyes and relax.

Dharma, we're pushing the bad energy
down.

Lift the energy up like that.

That's what I'm doing.

No.

Honey, I think you were going right
there. Okay, whatever. Chloe, can I

you for a second?

Should I keep going here? Yes!

Listen, I have been cleansing my
mother's aura since I was six years old.

Don't worry. I don't think you've done
any permanent damage.

Okay, listen.

We've been planning this birth for
months, and now Abby is throwing away

everything she wanted because she's a
little starstruck by you.

Oh, yeah, I don't think so. That wasn't
a compliment.

Anyway, here's the deal. I'm going to
help Abby get back to the original plan,

and if you'd like, you can stick around
and help. Oh, and Big Sister's got a lot

of confusing emotions with the new baby
here. I'm not confused.

I just don't like what's going on here,
and I don't like you. You're a passive

-aggressive, new -age, squatting, burst
bully.

That's great.

Let it all out.

Wonderful.

Daddy?

Mommy could do with some belly massage.

No, actually, Larry, I think she needs
some cold compress. Could you give her

the cold compress?

But we're done with the feet, right?

Let's try deep breaths now. She can't do
deep breaths. She's having ice chips.

Finklestein, what the hell is this?

$7 ,800, fair market value.

How did you come up with $7 ,800?

Ed, how much can the thing be worth? You
were going to give it away.

Oh,

hello, Abby.

The contractions are two minutes apart.

They're three minutes. Two minutes. I
timed them.

You're supposed to time them from the
start of the contractions. I did.

See? Now you stop.

No, you have to wait for the little line
to jump.

Hang on, Abby.

See? There. There. See that? That is a
labor pain. Hey, Abby. How you doing?

Okay.

Cool. Holler if you need me.

All right, Ed.

There's no way I'm paying you $30 ,000
for a used car. But you're the only one

who used it. All right. Well, how much
did you pay for this thing? I want you

know that I hear and respect you.

And I want you to know that I hear and
respect your patronizing mother.

I don't know.

Five dollars. Five.

And I think I got some change. The ones
with the X's are out of your mind.

Maybe I'm out of my mind. It's a
meditation round. I know.

You know what it means.

Just kidding.

How long do you expect me to wait in the
car?

I don't even make noise, baby.

Make your move. Look at that. I forgot
stirrers. I'll be back.

Abby, do you need something to eat? Oh,
God, yes.

We need an anesthesiologist in here.

She doesn't need drugs. Breathe, Abby.
Breathe.

Focus, Abby.

Focus. I want drugs.

I'm on it.

Wait a minute. Where the hell are you
going?

Night's going. Now she wants drugs.

How are we doing in here? This woman
needs an epidural right now.

Who are you?

She's the midwife.

You heard me. I want her.

Pickle Steve, where do you think you're
going with my van? Your van, my van.

What's the difference? You heard Abby.
She needs drugs.

From the hospital.

Sounds like the baby's crying.

Yep,

I think you're right.

This is really wild. Check it out,
Kitty.

No, no. Someone needs to stay with
Abby's face.

You know, Chloe, I got kind of crazy in
there, and maybe some things got said

that shouldn't have.

Apology accepted.

Okay, thanks.

And?

And you mustn't be too hard on yourself.
You meant well.

Tom, your mother would like you to come
back in.

Oh, what do you know? I'm back in. With
the understanding that you stand quietly

and just watch.

I'm still back in.

Let me see if I understand your
counteroffer. $300 a month at 8 %

And he gets I'm an idiot tattooed on his
forehead.

That could be a deal breaker.

I'm not bending on that one. Okay, I'll
run it by him.

I have a son.

I have a brother.

I helped deliver a baby.

In heels.

No, dear, the universe delivers the
baby. We just sign for it.

I'm sorry.

Were you here?

Look at his little hand.

I'm so proud of you, Abby.

Me too.

Hi there, baby man.

He seems preoccupied with the kid. Maybe
we can finalize this van thing.

No, no, Dad.

Just a thought.

You are such a cute guy.