All language subtitles for Dean Martin William Conrad (1973)

The Dean Martin Celebrity Roast, coming
to you from the MGM Grand Hotel in the

entertainment capital of the world, Las
Vegas, Nevada.

Ladies and gentlemen, from the beautiful
Siegfeld Room, tonight's star -studded

roast has brought together some of the
world's greatest entertainers.

They've come from all over the world to
be here tonight, here in Las Vegas, in

person.

The Man of the Week!

Your Roastmaster, Dean Martin.

And my very best man of the week,
William Hunrad.

Well, tonight...

Our man of the week is Mr. William
Conrad, which gives you an idea of the

of week it's been.

We were originally going to honor Howard
Cosell, but he's been confined to bed

with a faulty toupee.

We're also considering Mr. Danny Thomas.
We had a little accident while taking

his daily walk on the water. He was hit
by a fishing boat.

Tonight we're paying tribute to a very
fine actor, the star of a great series

called Cannon, which is my favorite
detective show. And I tell you, last

they had a really thrilling episode.

Cannon single -handedly wiped out a
whole crime syndicate. He sat on them.

I don't know whether you know this, but
Bill played Matt Dillon on the radio

version of Gunsmoke.

It's true. When they made the TV version
of Gunsmoke, they couldn't use Bill.

They had a little problem.

They couldn't fit his horse with a
truss.

Even when Bill served in the war as a
fighter pilot, he had problems. He was

heavy. Once he got in the plane, they
couldn't get it off the ground.

He had to drive it to Tokyo.

There's a lot of friends at Mars who
couldn't be here tonight.

However they sent you telegrams, I'd
like to read some. This first one is

President Nixon.

Dear Bill, I watch you on Canon every
week.

It's how I reassure myself there's no
beef shortage in America.

The next one is from the Gay Liberation
Movement. Dear Bill, we just love your

show, but of course we admire anyone who
always gets his man.

Finally...

Here's one all the way from Rome, from
the Pope himself.

Which translated means, may good fortune
ever shine upon you, fatso.

Ladies and gentlemen, a tremendous
talent, Miss Phyllis Diller.

Thank you very much.

It was so sweet of you to drop in on me
the other night so unexpectedly, Dean.

Of course, I'll never know what he was
doing on the roof.

Now, we're here tonight to honor William
Conrad, better known as Cannon.

And that's because he's always shooting
off his mouth.

How would you describe Conrad?

A fat Robert Goulet with mumps.

When he runs, it looks like a mattress
moving.

When

he

clears that wonderful voice, it sounds
like a motorboat that won't start.

I signed the code card, found him in the
Pacific Ocean, and just his head and

shoulders were sticking out of the
water. They said, can we help you? He

no, I'm on my boat.

Now, this man turned down gun smoke on
television, and now he has the

guts to say that this turkey cannon is
going to run five years.

That's because they show.

He couldn't have done Gunsmoke, because
one time he got on a horse. It's now a

big, hairy pancake.

I've never really met Bill, and I think
I want to keep it that way.

Phyllis, you were great. Incidentally,
this is the first time I've seen you

since you had your face lifted.

I hope the guy who lifted it doesn't
bring it back.

Ladies and gentlemen, Mr.

Russell.

Thank you, Dino. May I? Oh, you're going
to drink to thee.

Yes, sir. Well, that's all right. I
know, Dean, if the Ku Klux Klan will buy

booze, you'll drink to slavery.

Bill, we spent the entire week
discussing the suave, the great, the

detectives in history, and your name
never came up.

You see, in the black community, we feel
that you are like a mosquito in a

nudist camp.

Opportunity everywhere, and you can't
figure where to start.

I feel that you have usurped a province
that is rightfully ours.

All of the legendary private eyes were
Thor brothers.

Boston Blackie.

How soon you forget.

crime, you'll never become proficient
driving through Beverly Hills.

You gotta come to Harlem and walk
through the hospital zone.

Any way you walk in that zone, you wind
up in the hospital.

You see, you would never have known the
mistake. You would never have committed

that atrocity and judgment that you did
in Watts. What did he do?

He gets out of the car in Watts, looking
like a bale of hay with the middle band

busted.

What? He walks over to his old brother
in a dark doorway and throws the black

power sign.

He said, right on, brother.

The brother said, put that other hand in
the air, whitey, this is a sticker.

On the series, Shannon, he's depicted as
a man of

impeccable intelligence, a man who is
quite adept at...

scientific analysis.

He asked one of the dumbest questions in
the annals of crime.

It was at the height of a riot.

He saw a brother coming through the
window of a furniture store with a sofa

his back and asked the guy, are you a
looter?

He said, no, I'm a psychiatrist on a
house call.

I don't want you to be made of that
aspect of your talents and aspirations.

He is a dumb singer.

I heard him a few times on the Dean
Martin Show last year, and as a result

his virtuosity, he made a command
performance in England.

Got excited and sang, God Save the
Weasel and Pop Goes the Queen.

No doubt some of you saw him on the
Sonny and Cher Show, and you know the

excellence of his musical bass voice.

He is really a basso profondo.

This bastard sang a song.

On the Sonny and Cher show.

The song was so sensitive, sad, and
appealing that a man in the audience

to commit suicide while he was singing.

A bullet from the man's gun.

I guess people don't know that he had
his spine fractured in an air accident.

The girl's husband flew in town
unexpectedly and fractured his...

Well, they say that all detectives
suffer with flat feet, and I guess they

caught his feet in the wrong flat.

But as a file seal... You want a minute
to work on that?

We need you, Bill.

We need Bill Conrad and we need Cannon
to catch the criminals and catch the

spies and keep mischief out of our
government and keep our government out

mischief.

Some of the most beautiful things in
England are finding their way into our

country, like the London Bridge and the
Queen Mary, but I think the nicest thing

that ever came over is the lady I'm
about to introduce, the beautiful and

-talented Mrs. Petula Clark.

Well, I'm sure some of you may be
wondering why I, an English...

Songstress and present at a ceremony
honoring William Conrad, the answer you

is very simple.

I'm his mistress.

He's only kidding, honey.

Well, Mr. Woodley, I have been ever
since I stole him away from the Supreme.

It's not easy, of course, with him
living in Los Angeles and me in London.

We meet once a year in a shack in
Bermuda.

Yes, that's where we shack up.

You're telling everything, huh? Please,
it's one of those meetings. We had such

fun together last year.

I was a Red Cross nurse and he was a
Japanese colonel.

I'm only kidding, of course. Bill is a
truly fine person and devoted husband.

And as much as I regret it, there is no
hanky -panky between us. We can arrange

something.

Thank you, ladies and gentlemen. Thank
you, Dean. And thank you, Colonel

Noguchi. Our story.

You've all seen the Bob Newhart show.

It gives the viewers a chance to calm
down after the Mary Tyler Moore show.

Ladies and gentlemen, the crinkle in the
CBS eye, Mr. Bob Newhart.

As is true in most of these roles,
people get up and they say really

things about...

And you might get the idea that the man
is an ogre. And I would like to set some

things straight about our guest tonight.

No one has mentioned his distinguished
war record.

Unfortunately, he was on the German
side, which is probably why no one

it.

There have been rumors that he is not a
bright man.

There's a story going around.

That's not true.

Well, now, you can deny this. There's a
story going around.

Things were not going that well in the
acting profession, and Bill decided to

take a civil service examination.

It was an oral examination, and he
studied for a full year.

And he went before the examiner, and the
examiner's first question was, what has

five fingers is made of leather, and you
wear on your hand.

And Bill shook his head.

And the examiner said, it's a glove.

Then he presented the second question.
He said, what is made of leather has ten

fingers and fits on both hands.

And Bill pondered that for a while.

And finally shook his head. And the
examiner said, two gloves.

Then the examiner said, let's change the
category. We'll go into civics.

Who was president of the United States
from 1924 to 1928?

And Bill said,

Three gloves?

Thank you,

Robert. You know, Bob started as a
comedian in Chicago.

When the wind shifted, they didn't know
who to blame it on, Bob or the

stockyards.

real funny guy. I'm talking about Jackie
Gale. He was so funny when we roasted

Mr. Hugh Hefner that we painted a star
on his dressing room door.

Jackie was real happy about it because
it covered the word gentist.

Ladies and gentlemen, Mr. Jackie Gale.

Welcome again.

Thank you, Dean.

Thank you.

It's really wild.

Distinguished looking man. I love your
mustache.

You look like the owner of a chain of
Taco Bells.

You're my kind of man.

That's right.

You know, he's a beautiful man. And
there's a conspiracy here against fat

people. There's definitely a conspiracy.

And you know why? Because they're
jealous of us. Because we enjoy food. We

enjoy it eight, nine times a day.

What have they got to look forward to?
Love affairs?

That's all. Love affair.

And believe me, it's not eight, nine
times a day.

That's the truth.

It's been 15 minutes since you had a
bite. Relax, we'll get this right.

You're my kind of man. You're the kind
of guy who knows where to get fried

chicken after Colonel Sands is closing.

You know, when I said fried chicken,
Nipsey Russell woke up. I did.

I remember.

I know that.

Keep going, you'll punch. We'll get your
own show like Red Fox.

I want you to feel at home. After the
show, you'll come up to my house. I got

some aspirin bottles you can pick the
cotton out of.

I want to... You know, Nick, you always

bug me. How come when you pull up to a
car with black people in it, they got

great jazz music on their radio, we
can't get on our cars?

And we got a lovely lady with a two
-lift car. When I first heard that name,

thought it was a gasoline station.

What do you want, the ethyl up a tool? I
said, I don't care, fill it up.

And she made a record that really bugged
me, Downtown.

I loved it so much, I took her advice, I
went downtown, I got mugged.

You know what he told me about English
singers?

The great groups come from England, the
Beatles, the Animals, the Rolling

Stones. They're born in Liverpool,
Blackpool, London, they come here, they

contemporary American songs.

And of course, we've got Phyllis Diller.
I love Phyllis Diller. And I love your

laugh, Phyllis. When you laugh, wild
geese all over the world are changing

directions.

And I want to say now... Getting hot,
Gene. We're getting hot, baby.

We got him, Gene. I'll get him back for
you.

I'll get him back.

That's right, Phyllis. I hear all that
talk about the facelift. It's not true.

She didn't have a new facelift. She had
the old one ironed.

that commercial, Phyllis, where you say
milk gives you elasticity.

What kind of commercial? I can't believe
that.

Elasticity. I've yet to see a glass of
milk hold up a pair of old jockey

And of course, we've got Bob Noir. Bob,
it's good to have you back on

television. I mean that.

We haven't had that much excitement
since Ozzie Nelson left.

That show. Did you watch that show,
Dean?

Bob, if you watch his show, great
dialogue.

Hi, honey, I'm home. Any calls?

Not anybody can handle that kind of
dialogue.

Your show should get an Emmy for
yawning.

And his home life's not that much more
exciting either. The other day, a

Tom looked through his window and fell
asleep.

And I know Bob tells everybody he's a
modest man, he's quite... And believe

underneath all that's a vain man.

Believe me, he's a vain man. He's got
four children all named Bob Jr.

And two of them are girls.

We came here to pay tribute to this
wonderful man.

Everybody thinks that this man is just
an actor. This man was a great director.

You know what kind of movies he gave us?
He directed a picture called Two on a

Guillotine.

Remember that, Biggie? Two on a
Guillotine. You forgot it already, Dean.

Then he gave us another big one you all
remember, Brainstorm. How about that

one?

Everybody forgot Brainstorm.

And the big one, My Blood Runs Cold,
which the Academy Award gave you an

for. I know a lot of people are saying,
why do we honor?

Bill, and I say to you, I don't know.

But in conclusion, I would like to say,
this is a great man because you don't

understand about this man spent many
years at Warner Brothers, where he made

movies, 200 television shows, and a
couple of starlets.

And I want to say, and I would like to
say in conclusion, Bill, and I mean this

in the bottom of my heart, you're a
great actor, a great star, and fat is

beautiful.

Now it's my pleasure to introduce our
guest of honor, Mr.

Bill Conrad.

Well, before we get popular...

Before I present our award to Bill, I'd
like you to know that we're paying him

thousands of dollars to be here tonight,
and it's really a bargain because it

works out to about $1 .49 a pound.

Bill, this plaque is for you, and it's
inscribed, the Dean Martin Comedy Hour

Man of the Week Award presented to
William Conrad. Thank you very much.

okay.

Really, I'm so pleased to have been
asked to come here this evening.

As you know, I'm not used to telling
jokes in public.

And it's obvious that nobody else around
here is either.

But I'm really glad you showed up
tonight, Dean.

I hated to tear you away from your New
Year's Eve party.

Now about Nipsey Russell.

I'd like to thank you, Nipsey.

As you know, Nipsey has always been
behind civil rights.

Yes, sir. About ten years behind.

lot for the movement. He makes
Steppenfetchit look militant.

And I was really surprised seeing Jackie
Gale here tonight, considering he

wasn't invited.

And of course, you all know Mr.

Bob Newhart.

Carol Burnett's warm -up.

Bob used to be an accountant, and from
what I hear at CBS,

it's sure a good thing that you've got
something to fall back on.

So, thank you, one and all.

And borrowing a phrase from Maude, I'd
just like to say, God'll get you for

this!

I want to thank my guests tonight, and
especially the guest of honor, our man

the week, Bill Conrad.

Everybody thinks Bill is terrific in
canon because every week he knocks off a

case. That's nothing. I knock off three.

Bill is starting a new paper. He's going
to track down the guy who wrote his

speech tonight.

Good night, everybody. I'm on my way
home, Captain. Warm up the hot