All language subtitles for Dean Martin Valerie Harper (1975)

The Dean Martin Celebrity Roast, coming
to you from the MGM Grand Hotel in the

entertainment capital of the world, Las
Vegas, Nevada. The glittering city of

excitement and laughter provides the
scintillating backdrop for tonight's

-studded roast.

Ladies and gentlemen, from the Ziegfeld
Room of the Grand Hotel, some of the

world's greatest entertainers are here
tonight.

They are in Las Vegas in person.

As Dean Martin honors our Woman of the
Hour, Valerie Harper.

With tonight's guests, Nancy Walker,
David Grohl, Rich Little,

Kelly Winters, Ed Asner,

Isabel Sanford, Phyllis Diller,

Ed Everett, Milton Berle, Foster Brooks,

Georgia Engel, Julie Kavner.

Nipsey Russell, Jack Carter, Red Button,
Eva

Gabor, Jack Albertson, Harold Poole, and
your Roastmasters, Dean Martin,

with tonight's very special woman of the
hour, Valerie Hopper.

Tonight we are here to pay tribute to
the star of the Rota show, Valerie

And everybody's here tonight except Carl
Malden. He was a little delayed.

Someone stole his American Express card.

Valerie, you're one of a kind. You can
sing, dance. You're able to do

comedy, bits.

dramatic scenes.

How many actresses can do that? Just you
and Ruth Buzzi.

Then one day she said to herself, if I'm
ever going to make it, it's going to be

in California.

Well, she went to California and it was
there that Valerie won instant

recognition.

In just a couple of weeks, she was known
by every head waiter in Hollywood.

They even had a special name for her.

Waitress!

After that, things started to happen.
One day, she auditioned for the Mary

Moore show, and the producer said,
there's no end to this girl's talent.

There's no beginning either.

My next guest, Rich Little, does so many
impressions that when he talks in his

sleep, his wife applauds.

Rich Little.

Thank you, darling.

As you know, I do an impression of you.

Would you like me to do it so you know
what you said?

Let's do the drink anyway. This has got
to be a put -on. This has got to be

ginger ale.

That's ginger ale. I'm Sammy Davis, Jr.

Now, I do a lot of crap, Valerie, and...
you've got even more

fans than you think.

When I was in Washington recently, some
of your biggest fans asked me to deliver

a message to you.

And here's one from Henry Kissinger.

Harry.

My wife, Nancy, and I watch your show
every Monday night.

I must say that we find it very funny.

Here's one from Teddy Kennedy.

Well, Valerie, all of us Kennedys want
to, of course, send you the very best.

And each week, our entire family tunes
into the roadshow.

And if you add a couple of Catholic
families on the block, well, that's

to keep anyone in the top ten for the
next 50 years.

Here's a message from President Ford.

Now, I'm not too sure how big a fan he
is. President Ford.

I'd like you to know that Congress
introduced a bill to congratulate

Harper on being Woman of the Hour. I
also want you to know that I

vetoed it.

I'd like to present our next guest.

She's the wonderful star of The
Jeffersons, Isabel Sanford, the lady who

whittles George Jefferson down to size.

Isabel Sanford.

Valerie, I need you to be able to stick
together.

Someone once gave me advice about
staying successful.

There are some very important things you
have to keep in mind.

Things like protecting your image.

The first thing, drive carefully.

Remember, if you ever have an accident,
the newspaper sprints your real age.

Speaking of age, whenever anybody asks
you, just tell them you're 30 -ish.

Give or take an ish.

Number two, go back to your old weight.
Get heavy again.

The bigger you are, the less people they
can fit in the scene with you.

And always remember, honey, keep your
name in the public eye.

Get in the gossip column. Start fooling
around with someone other than your

husband. Even if you don't get the
publicity, what do you care?

Now, listen to me, Valerie.

Here's something they told me that's
really important.

When you climb that ladder of success,
break every rung.

Make sure that nobody can follow you.

Forget me. I used to have to sit in the
back of the bus and the back of the

train. Since I had my own series, the
company gave me a chauffeur.

So now I have to sit in the back of the
car.

Ladies and gentlemen, a fine young
actor. You enjoy him every week, as

husband, Mr. David Grohl.

Now, most of the speakers tonight have
been, well, they've been talking about

the negative side of Valerie Harper.

And that's certainly understandable.

But I thought I'd take a different
approach.

Talk about the good things about
Valerie.

Well, here goes nothing.

A lot of people want to know what it's
like to play somebody's husband on a TV

show.

I wonder how it feels to kiss a big
television star.

I really wouldn't know. You'd have to
ask Valerie.

Now, to give you an idea of what this
lady is really like, I remember when

first went on the air.

Valerie said, I'm going to make it to
the top, but I don't want to destroy

anyone on my way up.

Unless, of course, it'll help.

Ladies

and

gentlemen, a comedian.

most respected by his pairs?

Ears! Ears!

Red button! One of the best!

I'm watching it, pal. You've been
putting it away pretty good.

Pretty good, you're not going to believe
this. Folks, you are not going to

believe this.

Right here, today, at the Lion's Den
Lounge, right here in my favorite hotel,

the MGM Grand,

Dean drank two fifths and a cocktail

waitress.

a dinner for Valerie Harper when some of
the greatest women in the history of

the world never got a dinner.

Eve, who said to Adam in the Garden of
Eden, what do you mean the kids don't

look like you?

Never got a dinner. Got an apple, but
never got a dinner.

To Moshe Dayan, how come the Arabs have
the gas, we have the hard bank?

Noah's wife, Stephanie.

Noah's wife, Stephanie, who said to
Noah, after it had been raining for 40

and 40 nights, it's your turn to put the
papers on the floor.

Jack the Ripper's mother, Rhoda.

I never see you with the same girl
twice.

Martha Washington who said to her
husband, George, sure, I let you out of

house one night. People tell me you
slept here, you slept there.

Mrs. Evel Knievel who once said to her
husband, why do you always go to pieces?

is not without foundation.

Valerie, you are proof that a girl can
make it in this business and

become a huge star.

Huge star.

By studying, struggling, persevering and
bringing coffee for Mary Tyler Moore.

Ladies and gentlemen, here's a terrific
lady, a wonderful comedian, and I do

love her, Miss Philip Dillon.

I do love this man, but I really wish he
wouldn't drink so much.

And Dean claims he only drinks when he
smokes.

Right now he's up to eight cartons a
day.

You love my dress? Yeah. I got lucky.
Milton's wearing a tux tonight.

But, Dean, I know why you invited me
here tonight.

Just to stand up here and take cheap
shots at a lovely, successful girl like

Valerie Harper.

Thank you, Dean.

But when I think about it, why should I
insult Valerie?

I mean, her Rhoda show is in its second
season.

I had a series once, you know.

My watch ran longer.

Because I do believe that I'm less
temperamental than you are, Valerie.

I asked her director if you were
difficult to work with, and he said,

seen Jaws?

And the last director that yelled at
Valerie, cut, was.

even insult Valerie's body. She looks
wonderful.

And she used to be fat and dumpy.

Ha! For me, that would be a step up.

Ladies and gentlemen, the most talented
performer and, uh...

A friend of mine, Mr. Jack Alfred. I
love him.

Sorry, darling, before I start, I'd like
you to know that I canceled a dental

appointment to be here.

And if you want to know the truth, I
think I made a terrible mistake.

But it really is very nice being here.
because there are some old friends here

don't get to see very often, like, well,
Shelley Winters, for example.

Something occurred to me about Shelley.

In her first big picture, Place in the
Sun, they drowned her.

In the Poseidon Adventure, they also
drowned her.

Shelley, I have a feeling they're trying
to tell you something.

And now, Valerie, back to you.

Now, before I do, I'd like to
acknowledge an old Broadway buddy of

Walker.

I happen to know you sacrificed a lot to
be here with Valerie this evening.

Your self -respect.

Nancy, after working in the business all
these years, it's nice to see you're co

-starring in a series with one of the
great comic personalities of all times,

Rock Hudson.

that Rock Ellison.

He's the only man I know who can walk
into an empty room and blend right in.

And now back to you, Valerie.

Oh, I almost forgot.

My very dear friend, Ava Gabor.

Ava is still upholding the tradition of
the Gabor sisters.

Last night, she went out with a $6
million man.

And today, he's known as the $3 million
man.

I see an old friend of mine from
burlesque days.

Red Button.

And I want to tell you, I saw you on a
pitch of Stagecoach with John Wayne, and

I have to tell you, I was proud of you.

All the Indians called Red Great White
Father.

And two of the squaws actually proved it
in court.

And now, Valerie, it's really time for
me to get back to you, but I see the

allotted me has expired.

policy, so I want to say that whatever
the others on the day have said about

goes for me, too. I love you.

Ladies and gentlemen, a dynamic actress
who has starred in every medium,

Shelley Winters.

Thank you for that wonderful
introduction, Dean.

You know, you are a very unique man.

You're the only Italian I never married.

It's very hard for me to do put -downs.
But looking at you, Valerie, somehow

it comes easy.

You're a kooky lady.

I remember when you won your Emmy.

In your speech, you thanked your
psychiatrist.

Now, Dean Martin has won millions of
awards.

Did he ever congratulate his bartender?

Nipsey Russell won awards. Did he ever
thank his witch doctor?

I don't understand what's gotten into
you, Valerie.

Tantrums, temperaments, screaming,
walking off the set.

What are you trying to do, become
another Shelley Winters?

gentlemen, a man who has made a great
contribution to the world of laughter,

Milton Burke.

Thank you.

It's a thrill for me to be here tonight.

It's more than a thrill.

It's a damned inconvenience. That's what
it is.

I like working because I've got a
problem.

My wife ran away with my best friend,
and I miss him.

Well, you'll have to laugh faster
because I've got to fly back to New York

the show. A -Beam and the city of New
York are giving a big dinner to

Ford at the Automat for separate checks.

Nancy Walker, you're looking great.
You've taken off height.

And when Rich Little first came from
Canada, he could only do two voices,

Eddy and a moose.

And I'm very happy about Jack
Albertson's success.

He just signed a three -year contract
with General Motors.

He bought a new car.

Valerie did not become a star overnight.
Hard work, perseverance.

She made a lot of pilots.

One from TWA.

You don't remember me, Valerie, from New
York. We were at a dinner together

about 10 years ago.

And where you were honored, it was kind
of 12 years ago. I was there. I remember

you very well because I never forget a
dress.

Here is where the excitement is, Las
Vegas.

I got to tell you, last night some guy
came over to me in the casino and he

says, would you like some action?

I said, yes. So he held me up.

It's a wild town. There's a woman
attacked here every 60 seconds. You

know that?

No, I did not. Got a minute?

Now, I'd like to say one thing about

this lovely woman of the hour, Valerie.

I'm very... She's really very happy
about your success and about your high

ratings and how terrific Rhoda is going.

But if I may make one comment, in all
honesty, Valerie, you made one big

mistake.

I should have played your sister.

Well, ladies and gentlemen, here's a guy
who plays a divorced man who's cynical,

depressed, and boozes, which earned him
an Emmy for comedy.

Ed Asner.

Let me tell you something about Valerie
the Harper.

When she first came to the Mary Tyler
Moore Show, We all knew she was going to

be a star.

How did we know?

Because she used to sit around on the
set memorizing Mary's life.

Now, before the first season was over,
Mary was letting Val have all the

It was either that or Mary every morning
finding the tires on her car slashed.

Personal things about Val that you may
not know. For instance, Valerie Harper

married. A lot of people don't know
that, including Valerie.

And there is her big -heartedness, her
generosity.

I mean, for instance, while she was on
the Mary Tyler Moore show, she won

four Emmys. I lost count.

And every time she won, she insisted.

on sharing them with the rest of the
cast at $2 a glance.

In the brilliant comedy show

MASH, here's one of the funniest guys in
the company, Corporal Klinger.

The Marines build men, but the Army
offers you an alternative.

You know, dressing like this, I've
learned a lot about women's beauty

know how to make women look better.

As a matter of fact, I was the one that
told Phyllis Diller to get her face

lifted and moved a little to the left.

Tonight, Valerie, I thought I'd give you
a few tips on how to improve your

appearance.

Starting at the bottom.

Leave that alone.

You've got to do something about your
hair.

I would suggest electrolysis.

Valerie, the most important thing is to
dress so that you accentuate your strong

points and cover your weak points.

And in your case, that means open -toed
shoes and a veil.

If you followed my advice, you'd be
every bit as pretty as Mary Tyler Moore.

But you'll never look as good as Ted
Knight.

Please!

Where's the Ava Grabber?

Gabor recently dropped 10 pounds.

She lost a diamond earring.

Eva Gabor.

You know, you're really very funny.

I wish you were my lover.

I love to laugh.

Well, tonight I'm here for lovely
Valerie.

Oh, Valerie, you look so beautiful in
that dress, darling.

No one would ever dream that it was from
last year.

Oh, why didn't you come to me first? I
would have warned you about that dress.

You never can tell what you get when you
rent a dress for the evening.

Seeing how everyone here is talking
about Val's show and everything, I

it might be interesting to take a trip
around her medically.

I'll buy a ticket for that.

Valerie Harper is a perfect medical
specimen.

For example, let's study her...

Basal ganglia.

Oh, yeah.

And, Dean, basal ganglia are nerve
endings.

Oh. Valerie has magnificent basal
ganglia.

If I was going to ganglia, I'd use her
basals. Well,

what would you say about the deep, dark
threshold of Valerie's palatine fossil?

I think I'm going to leave that alone.

Well, just for that, I'm not going to
tell you about her quivering articles.

Or her wet, lacrimal ducks.

Everett, you can make an aspirin sound
like we're about to get raided.

Valerie Harper is a beautiful lady, from
her cerebellum to her metatarsals,

which is just another way of saying from
the top of her pretty head to the tip

of her lovely toes, she's a very special
lady.

Yeah.

Oh, boy, I don't know them kind of
words. I have a tough time at all ways.

I ain't gonna say that.

I want to see you say, you come up here
and say that. Come here, put that card

back.

You say that card. No, read it. No, no
jokes. Just read that card.

I will more than tell the choir.

Thank you, Chad.

That sounds like your esophagus caused
the quickening of the ventricles.

you, Chad.

Yeah, the sounds from your esophagus are
causing a quivering of my ventricle.

Oh, yeah, and I couldn't say that again
if it meant an Oscar.

What is it? Let's make a deal?

Some of the greatest women in the
history of the world never had a

their ventricle.

I'm still here. I'll be gone soon.

Oh, look at this. I won the place
setting.

Look down. Help me.

We want you to meet Julie Kniever.

No, Kavner. I know.

She was an instant sensation from the
time the show first went on the air.

Even the producer said, she's better
than Valerie.

And he still says that to anyone he
happens to meet at the unemployment

Well, this kid's sister, Brenda
Morgenstern.

Well,

all these people, Valerie, putting you
down, you know, and it really hasn't

easy for me to sit back and listen to
all those terrible things they've been

saying about you. I mean, a couple of
times I really wanted to jump out of my

seat and just shout, hey, right on.

But really, I really am glad that I
came. I mean, we really sort of do this

the road to set, but... It's more fun
saying these things to her face.

But Valerie did talk me into coming
here, and she really poured on the

She said, look, I'm not trying to be
your big sister, but just think of this

a request coming from someone who likes
you, respects you, and can have you

fired like that.

I understand that the object of this
roast is for me to viciously attack some

the people who I love more than life
itself.

And I told them I wouldn't do that. But
then they told me how much money that

they were paying me.

So, Valerie, stick it in your ear.

We're cheering for Valerie Harper
tonight, and I'll be leading the cheers.

It's a pleasure to root for Rhoda. I've
been a Rhoda rooter for years.

It's a sincere compliment, and I know
you wish you could jump up and kiss me,

but don't do it.

Because once you go black, you never go
back.

The Roadshow is based on two
relationships.

The mother relationship and the marriage
relationship.

The mother relationship I don't
understand altogether.

Since you're doing so well, why do you
still have your mother working as a maid

for Rock Hudson?

The marriage relationship, now let me
see.

I have a distorted impression of
marriage. I got it from the people who

the next apartment to me.

Now, this woman's got enough mouth for
another row of teeth.

She jumps on her poor husband the minute
he comes into the house.

Why do you come in here half drunk?

He said, because I ran out of money.

In the context of having a star on
television, I...

for women's liberation.

I want that Equal Rights Amendment to
pass.

I'm all for women's live. I want to see
women be equal to men instead of so darn

superior the way they've been.

But if equal rights for men and women
continue, life will be very sunny.

One day we'll see a woman as a football
coach and I'll be a playboy bunny.

Now I'd like to call on Georgia.

Georgia.

Georgia Engel from the Mary Tyler Moore
Show.

She's one of the most sweet and shy
people you'll ever come across.

In fact, she's so shy that when she
takes a bath, she blindfolds herself.

Whenever they ask me to be on one of
these roasts, they ask me to come up

some really rough singers.

However, there seems to be something
always lacking in my things.

So, as usual, the staff gave me some
things to say about the guests on the

dance. Some clout, some raps, and some
put -down sticks.

Glad to see Jack Carter here tonight. He
always speaks his mind.

Unfortunately, it limits his
conversation to 30 seconds.

There's another zinger.

There's Red Buttons over there.

Red went from comedy to drama, and it
happened right in the middle of his act.

that, Mr.

Buttons. I know you do both high drama
and low comedy.

But I've seen your comedy and it's the
lowest.

It's always nice to see Dean Martin
here. You don't generally run into a guy

like Dean. You generally trip over him.

Miss Winters is sitting on the dais.
Shelly's very unusual.

Her mouth is registered as a dangerous
weapon.

That's just a terrible thing to say,
Miss Winters. I happen to admire people

are not afraid to say what they feel and
speak right out loud.

And nobody speaks out louder than you
do.

My good friend, Valerie Harper.

All her life, Valerie's had a fear
people don't like her. So she went to a

psychiatrist. Now she's learned to live
with it.

Val knows I would never say something
like that.

I know Val worries about many things.

Her weight, figure, hair, talent.

And she's right, she should worry.

Right now, I'd like you to meet the
person who is responsible for the way

Valerie acts and speaks.

Her New York drama coach, Mr. Foster
Brooks.

I pray that very few of you here know
that Dean Meyer...

Spent a lot of time on the New York
stage.

And he also spent a lot of time on the
New York street and so few of the

alleyways.

Let me get right to my long time... To

my long time friend and star boople...

first piece lessons she has she has
speech speech problem so

I tried the best possible way to
straighten it out with straighten her

tongue twisters tongue twisters like

like this she shall shall she is by the
she shall shall

Well,

now that was her favorite.

This is laughing.

The Sicilian sponge.

The one I always liked was Rubber Baby
on the Monkey Bunkers.

Rubber Bobby's on the Baby Bunkers.

She sometimes comes over and lectures
classes at my workshop, the Methodist

Actors Bar and Grill.

A man of whom the shark in Jaws said,
He's my kind of guy,

Mr. Jack Carter.

Wonderful evening. It's a very patriotic
night. Dean is celebrating the

bicentennial. Just this morning, he took
his 1 ,776th drink.

Valerie, this is a great thrill. I come
here tonight with a great feeling of

expectancy, a great feeling of
excitement, actually.

It's more a feeling of pity.

This is the most pitiful collection I
have ever seen.

Look at all these leftovers from bowling
for dollars.

This is Lamadine. These are the big
names.

First time I've been to a dinner where
the celebrities needed name tags for

identification.

Rowe. What is that Rowe? I don't know.

And Harold Goyle.

Jamie Farr.

Maybe I can understand.

When he shaves, he's not a bad looking
broad, you know?

What a beautiful night, really. And
there are some nice ladies I appreciate

seeing here. Biggies like Phyllis Diller
and Shelley Winters.

The wind and the lion.

No, I wouldn't pick on Shelley. I
wouldn't put her down. Who the hell can

her up?

The only woman I know gets obscene phone
calls. Collect.

I'm gaining a little.

Laugh, Milton. I laughed when you died.

Never talk over nifty muscles.

That's the greatest smile in the world,
isn't it?

Pearly teeth. And what else would you
wear with pearls?

What's that, darling? What did they say?

And Chad, Chad Bobola, Chad Everett.
Look at him sitting there with Glen

Campbell's old hair.

Chad, never sit in a tuxedo with your
arms folded. They'll bury you just that

way.

Now, how could we go along and leave out
the beautiful Foster Brooks?

We brought Foster here especially, Dean,
so you could see what you're going to

look like about three years from now.

Ladies and

gentlemen, the co -star of Valerie's 11
-year marriage, Mr. Richard Shaw.

I'm very happy to share this tribute to
Valerie because I don't get to see her

too often.

The only way we communicate is through
little notes that we leave around for

each other.

Little notes like, please pass the
butter.

Once a note, another note from Valerie.

Dear Dick, you've been great so far.

Don't spoil it.

Just say, and now, ladies and gentlemen,
Here's Valerie.

Now, ladies and gentlemen, here's
Valerie.

This is it.

And thank you to Dean.

Dean, I've been a fan of yours for a
long time. Really, really a long time.

I mean, when I first saw you in a
nightclub, I knew you were a smash.

And you've been smashed ever since.

And I'd also like to acknowledge this
deus.

Their humor, their wit, their ad libs. I
mean, this could start a new trend in

television. Situation tragedy.

A few days ago, Dean here told me that
he needed to get a few more big names

this show.

So I put in an emergency call to Jack
Carter.

See if he knew any big names.

It's really nice to see Isabel Sanford
here. Hi, Isabel.

Gee, I never get a chance to see you
often enough. I wish we were better

friends. Of course, I never get over to
your part of town.

Beverly Hills.

lucky she never has to go to the beauty
parlor right i mean she just goes over

to a chico in the man's garage and they
take the dents out of her body nipsey

russell i always get a kick out of you
nipsey really i i really i just i just

love your uh your poems there's
something else they certainly are not

nifty's come a long way in this business
as a matter of fact there's a bronze

plaque on the house he was born in it
says Two miles to Willie Mays' house.

And Milton, Milton, you're incredible.
You did such a sweet thing here tonight.

Do you know, folks, that in keeping with
our country's bicentennial spirit, all

the jokes Milton told tonight were 200
years old?

And, of course, everybody knows Jamie
Farr from the MASH show.

You know, he's not kidding with that
dress.

A few minutes ago, he slipped Chad
Everett his phone number.

Where's Ava?

Ava. Ever since Green Acres was
canceled, I see you now every afternoon

game shows.

Now, I get to turn you off five times a
week.

I have an old alumnus of mine here from
the Mary Tyler Moore show, Georgia

Engel. Georgia is truly the sweetest
girl I know.

She's so sweet.

I think she was bitten by Pat Boone.

I love Nancy, though, but what a mouth
she has.

She bit her tongue once. Got food
poisoning.

And there she is, my kid sister.

Julie Kavner plays Brenda on the Rotor
Show. Now, Julie lives by a great motto.

You only go around once in life, and she
can't wait to get started.

You all know him as Dr. Joe Gannon on
Medical Center.

Chad, you've always had a flair for the
dramatic.

And you have proved that tonight on this
comedy show.

And my dear husband, Richard.

Richard Shaw. I truly love him. And
we're very happy. We really are. After a

of years in this business, struggling
and trying to get ahead, both of our

careers are going quite well now.

I'm making it on Rota, and Dick is
making it with Phyllis.

Well, that's about it, except I would
like to say one thing. I really would.

I love...

I love this business. I love acting. I'm
proud to be a part of the acting

profession. I've had a lot of lovely
opportunities working on Broadway, and

made motion pictures, of course
television, appearing with Mary Tyler

which got me my own show. All of these
were wonderful experiences.

And now, this evening, you can't win
them all.