All language subtitles for Dean Martin The Best 2

Tonight, the best of the Dean Martin
roasts with your host, Dean Martin, and

some of the world's greatest
celebrities.

George Burns, Red Hot, Senator Barry
Goldwater, Doc Severinsen,

Bob Newhart, Joey Bishop, Truman Capote,
Phyllis Diller,

Jimmy Stewart, Milton Berle, Rich
Little, Reverend Billy Graham.

Governor Ronald Reagan, Cliff Robertson,
Lorne Green, Art Carney, Sheila

McRae, Andre Meadows, Foster Brooks,
Howard Cosell, Orson

Welles, Isabel Sanford, Tony Orlando,
Wilt Chamberlain, Gabe

Kaplan, Freddie Prince, Sherman Hemsley,
Ruth Buzzi.

Angie Dickinson, Senator Hubert
Humphrey, Paul Lynn, John Wayne,

Jonathan Winters, Cody Fields, Henry
Fonda, Vivian Vance,

John Rickles.

From the MGM Grand Hotel in Las Vegas,
we bring you star -studded highlights

from the celebrity roasts of Bob Holtz,
Johnny Carson, Muhammad Ali,

Jackie Gleason.

Jack Benny, Michael Landon, Lucille
Ball, and Dean Martin himself.

It's the best of the Dean Martin
Celebrity Roast.

Hi.

Welcome to the ranch.

This is where I come to just relax,
loosen up.

Pretty nice around here, isn't it?

And you know, I'm a pretty lucky guy
because this is as much fun as working.

That's right. Some of the best times
I've ever had were on those crazy nights

did our roast.

I don't know what you do on your day
off, but I'll bet you couldn't have a

better time than I've had working at a
roast.

When you're surrounded by your pals and
you're roasting Johnny Carson, it's just

like Saturday night.

In town.

Johnny Carson is a comedian who is seen
every night in millions of bedrooms all

over America.

And that's why his last wife left him.

He found out he gave a better
performance in those bedrooms than he

own.

Johnny's certainly come a long way in
this business.

He was born and raised on a farm outside
of Norfolk, Nebraska.

I know he's a real foreign boy because
last night I saw him at the bar with a

couple of pigs.

However, he was so desperate, he played
nightclubs during his ventriloquist

acts. One night someone stole his dummy,
so he got a new one, Ed McMahon.

A lot's going to be said about Johnny
tonight, but I just want to say one

He never met a wife he didn't like.

I want to tell you that I watch your
show practically every night.

11 .30, I turn on the set, lie in bed
with my clothes off. You're very, very

funny.

The other night, I came in kind of late,
and I watched you with my clothes on.

Somehow you're funnier with my clothes
off.

And you know, now take Jack Benny. You'd
think that he'd be a great guest of

honor. But he's not.

It's very hard to make him laugh.

And he's seen me with my clothes off.

Anyway, Johnny, I'm glad I was asked to
say a few words tonight. And when I get

home tonight, I'll say to you, watch the
show and keep it clean.

I hate jumping up every minute to put my
clothes on.

Tonight's show is the most successful
talk show in history, so they say.

But what is a talk show?

It's very difficult to define.

A talk show is a show that crams 30
minutes of entertainment into 90.

A talk show... is a show that allows a
family of ten to go to the bathroom

watching a commercial break and not miss
a thing.

I'm glad Doc Severson could make it
tonight.

No, that's my card.

Oh, sorry.

Could make it tonight.

This is him and the weirdo with a horn,
Doc Sutherland.

Thank

you

very much, Dino, and thank you very
much, Truman.

I'm glad you could make it tonight.

I'm here tonight, ladies and gentlemen,
to...

to salute a great man.

Johnny Carson is the kindest, warmest,
most wonderful human being that I've

known.

And as if that wasn't enough, he's
probably the greatest comedy genius

Charlie Chaplin.

Oh, hell, Johnny, I can't read this
stuff you wrote for me.

Some of you may not know this, Johnny.
His first wife was named Joan.

Second wife was Joanne. His present wife
was Joanna.

The man just won't go for new towels.

I, uh, what's happened to the reading? I
just feel like a fool.

And these coveralls, Arnold Stebler
drove me around in a semi

-truck for the past 15 hours, and he
said we were supposed to meet down at

barn, and there's a surprise for you
there.

I just want to tell you this. The guys
feel different about you.

If you used to come home now, they'd
just beat the life out of you.

So don't come back to Norfolk right
away.

I remember, you know, I guess you do
too.

At the high school, you know, Johnny
was, he started out, he was in all kinds

things. He was in everything.

He, one thing he wanted to be more than
anything, he used to tell me, I was one

of his best buddies at the time, and him
and me would go out into an open field,

and we'd just look up and talk to one
another and everything, and he says, you

know what, I'd rather be more than
anything in the world is a magician.

And so he started magic, and he'd give
himself a name, the Great Carsoni.

And he thought on that real hard.

And so he'd take a little, we didn't
have no

bunnies, and so he took a squirrel and
dyed it white.

And pulled it out, you know, and the
people go, that's a white squirrel.

The fact that you've been able to make
two wives disappear.

Over the past ten years, here's what
many consider to be Johnny's three best

jokes. Now watch the mannerisms if the
joke doesn't work.

I know you love me tonight, but will you
respect me in the morning?

Hey, how about this? How about this
weather we're having out here in

Isn't it wild?

Isn't it wild?

Isn't it something?

Huh? Ah.

No. It was so windy. It was so windy.

Now, don't rush the bit here.

It was so windy in California today.

Are you ready for this? Are you ready
for this biggie?

No, it was so windy, it was so windy,
while Doc was helping Tommy Newsome

his kite, he lost all the feathers off
his raincoat.

Recently, uh... though I was honored by
being offered the opportunity of

substituting for Johnny Carson during
one of his many vacations.

I'll say it was an honor which comes to
every American sooner or later. It's a

lot like

jury

duty.

I must say this before I go any further.
Johnny is partly responsible for me

having my own show because, in a sense,
he taught me how to act. Because when

I'd come on his show, I had to act like
I'd been to his house for dinner.

What gets me is how they have a big show
like Johnny Carson's and only spend $37

on the set.

Two crummy sofas.

Looks like the back of a Greyhound bus.

And believe me, I'm an expert on the
back of buses.

And do you ever see the way the dudes
dress on that show?

That Mac Man looks like the funny papers
after kids read it.

Doc Severinson looks like a fire sale on
a push cart.

And Johnny dresses like a pimp on Sesame
Street.

Ladies and gentlemen, I must say it does
seem strange to be on this dais

honoring Johnny Carson because only a
few short years ago,

I was his idol.

Now, he's my idol.

And for some reason or other, it was
more fun the other way.

If I were to make one cogent comment
about Johnny, it would concern the

he made to me lately about his show.

Johnny said to me, you know, Jack,
millions of people lie in bed every

and watch me.

And after I've entertained them for 90
minutes, they turn off the TV and I'm

last face they see.

That night.

Now, brother, how conceited can you get?

And now, it's time to hear from our man
of the week.

Ladies and gentlemen, he...

Dean, I thank you. You did a great job
as master of ceremonies.

Those remedial reading classes really
come along, don't they?

I really am flattered that Senator Barry
Goldwater could be here tonight. He was

the only Republican who was out on bail.

But the senator may have to leave early
tonight because he may be president at

any moment. He is next in line right
after Sammy Davis Jr.

But I thank you, Senator, for being
here.

You were even funnier tonight than you
were when you ran against Johnson.

Now, Bob Newhart is a very good friend
of mine.

And whenever I'm stuck with a bunch of
dull guests on The Tonight Show, I can

always count on Bob Newhart to run right
over and blend in.

Now, it's half the floor that Red is
here tonight because his ancestors

originated the idea of roasting people.

remember this evening, probably, as long
as it takes me to get to my car.

For

one

memorable evening, we managed to catch
Rapid Robert between wards, and just to

make him feel right at home, we decided
to attack him.

I was born in... Al from England, one of
seven brothers, and oddly enough, there

are similarities in our birth data or
data, either one. Bob was the fifth son

a stonemason, and I was the stone son of
a white mason with a fifth.

As a young boy in England, Bob never had
much to say. He couldn't afford writers

then.

And Bob's last Christmas show in... In
Vietnam, it was Ho Chi Minh himself who

said to Bob, which means, no more bring
Jim neighbors.

Bob Hope is a man of remarkable
accomplishments.

He's been America's most favored
comedian at a time when America was in

bewildered state of mind.

He's entertained six presidents.

He's performed for 12.

Seriously, Bob, I know that over the
years you've received many tributes and

awards, and it gives me great pleasure
to tell you that in honor of this

occasion, the state legislature has
unanimously passed a bill naming you

California's foremost citizen.

I vetoed it.

I'm here tonight to salute Bob Hope.

A man who knows the secret about how to
make people laugh.

And the one thing you can say about Bob,
he sure knows how to keep a secret.

You know, as a matter of fact, I was in
a picture with Bob

one time. It never reached the theaters.

It was Bob's first dramatic role.

And his last one. But Bob played a
sheriff.

And in the big scene, he'd just been
shot, see.

And I was kneeling in the street beside
him with a cradle in his head and my

hands. And they'd written this marvelous
death speech for him. And I remember

Bob looking up at me. And he had a sort
of a dramatic cough

that he'd worked up.

and his face was all twisted in pain,
and he began his dying speech, and he

said, This is Bob. It's good to be shot
in Tucson, Hope.

I want you to get those two guys that
shot me.

One of them was tall and skinny.

He was so skinny.

you had to tie knots in his legs to make
knees.

The other guy's real ugly.

In fact, vultures used to fly past him
with one wing over their eyes.

One

of the

reasons that I think that Bob Hope has
lasted is because of his genuineness.

He's absolutely genuine, 100%.

There's no pretense about Bob Ho, except
when it comes to counting his golf

score.

We've been friends for a good many
years, but there's nothing probably that

wouldn't do for each other or to each
other.

For instance, I recall down in Dallas
some time ago, we were golf partners in

golf tournament with Byron Nelson.

And Bob asked me to sign his scorecard.

And I had to refuse on the grounds of
the Ninth Commandment.

Thou shall not bear false witness.

So you know what Bob did?

Bob signed my name to the scorecard on
the grounds that there's no commandment

that says thou shall not commit forgery.

When I first came to Hollywood, it was
Bob who discovered me. I was working at

kennel.

Testing flea collars.

Bob, what a lover.

He really knows how to kiss a girl. I
haven't seen movement like that with

since I gave my dog a sticky tootsie
roll.

Now, I'm not saying the picture was bad,
but the premiere was held at a

photomap.

We kid.

We kid about great stars such as you,
Bob Ward.

Because you're old and washed up.

But I tell you this.

Is he laughing, Dean? Take a look. See
if Bob's laughing.

If he ain't laughing, show him a picture
of Jack.

I kid,

Jack Benny, a great star, God bless him.

Milton Berle, great people. This is
wonderful being here at the home.

And I say this for my wife.

No, it's a joke. It's a joke.

It's a joke.

Take it back. It's a joke.

It takes many years to be a great
comedian.

Sure does. You'll be reached that year.

Thank

you,

Jerry. Thank

you, Jerry. Kid, I took

Jeannie's Italian. Do we need the
Italian people?

to find out where the mail goes.

We need people like Marco.

He's not Irish, he's not Jewish, he's
not Italian, he's not black. Just an all

-American guy. When he was born, he came
out of his mother with a flag wrapped

around him.

All our great stars. Governor Ronald
Reagan, who's going to retire after so

years of good service.

And, Governor, I say from my heart, I'm
fed up with you.

Dean, I'd like to thank you for giving
me the privilege of introducing the

of honor, which, oddly enough, is what
we call him at home.

So, ladies and gentlemen, here's that
moment we've all been dreading.

The man of the hour, my husband, Bob
Brooks.

Thank you very much.

I wish she'd get steady work.

No, it's nice to see her.

I haven't been traveling too much
lately, and I've gotten to know some of

family personally.

It's nice to be here, Dean, and I wanted
to tell you that I'm happy that NBC

renewed your liquor license for another
year.

Don't you love the way Dean reads cue
cards?

If he doesn't like the joke, he breathes
on it and erases it.

And I do want to thank Governor Reagan
for his kind words.

Incidentally, the governor has no
presidential aspirations.

In fact, he just made a tour of 43
states just to tell him he's not running

anything.

And I really enjoyed Phyllis Diller, the
girl who inspired that great movie,

Psycho.

And thank you, Billy Graham.

Star of radio, television, and heaven.

And I didn't expect to see General Jimmy
Stewart here. As usual, Jimmy's a man

of few words and even fewer laughs.

Now, Jimmy had me over to his house this
week, and what a thrilling evening. He

showed slides of his last trip to
Fresno.

And Don Rickles got some news today. He
was made poster boy for Tidy Bowl.

John, I just can't figure out why you're
doing commercials for right guard. You

should be on for raid.

Closing, ladies and gentlemen, it's been
a great night. You know, somebody once

said you can measure a man by the
caliber of his enemies, and I flatter

to believe it might also apply to the
friends who've come to roast him.

If I'm right in that assumption, and it
is rare that I'm not.

Then I thank all of you giants of our
business for the size your affectionate

malice lends to me. Thank you very much.

I played it smart and surrounded myself
with some real heavyweights the night we

took on Muhammad Ali, but the last round
was his, and he still looked good.

No one can deny that he's a great
fighter. He's got all the equipment,

body, great legs, and he's got a 21
-inch reach.

And that's just his tongue.

I'll call Frank.

I like him because he's a very moral
man.

He doesn't smoke, doesn't drink, doesn't
gamble, doesn't go running around with

wild women.

If I did that, I could beat up everybody
too.

He's a God -fearing man.

Nice to know he's afraid of somebody.

See, but Muhammad Ali showed all us kids
that it was possible for a poor boy to

get out of the ghetto.

And that's what my mother always wanted
for me. She would say to me, Freddy,

what's the matter with you?

Who wanted to be a doctor in my
neighborhood? It's difficult to make a

call to a burning house.

There's plenty of teeth in the
neighborhood.

She was right. They were over there,
over there.

There's a difference between a black
fighter and a Puerto Rican fighter.

Like a black fighter come up to you. All
right, chump, look out here. I'll come.

Show me your best.

Puerto Rican fighter just come out.

Okay, Ming.

Why are they giving this man a roast
when some of the greatest black people

the history of the world never got a
dinner?

That's right, when they never got a
dinner.

Sidney Poitier, who once said to Lester
Maddox, Guess who's not coming to

dinner?

We've got a dinner.

Bill Chamberlain's mother, who once
said, kids don't look up to their

anymore.

Not about a dinner.

Uncle Remus, who once said, said to
Uncle Ben, you're a credit to your rice.

Her baby, he said when she was invited
to the White House, I'll sing and I'll

dance, but I don't do windows.

I got a dinner and certainly one of the
greatest black... of all time, Shirley

Temple Black.

We've got a dinner, but as ambassador to
Ghana, she could be the dinner.

You can't go on fighting forever,
Mohammed.

I mean, let's face it, you're not Sonny
and Cher.

Matter of fact, he's so enterprising,
Mohammed, one night he called Freddie

I, Freddie Prinze with the house.

Remember this one, Freddie? Yeah.

Calls up, always creating a new business
idea in case it's all over, and he

says, Tony, I got it. Me, you, and
Freddie are going into a soap detergent

business. We're going to call it Spick
and Shine.

before I slam one Pisano.

They don't have me up here because they
wanted someone who was tall, dark, and

handsome.

They could have gotten someone a lot
darker.

Most people don't realize that you had a
physical hand attack when you were

born. Did you know that Muhammad was a
girl?

Once again, everyone, Howard Cosell
coming to you.

We are coming to you live via satellite
from Manila.

The Philippines.

Pearl of the South Pacific.

Muhammad Frazier was incredible. How'd
you feel about the contest?

Everybody's talking about Joe Frazier.
Don't talk about...

Oh, that's a lot of

nonsense. I'm still so fast.

And you know I'm so pretty.

I'm so fast I can turn out the lights in
my bedroom, be in my bed before the

room gets dark.

Muhammad, I don't care what any of these
detractors have to say.

If I was shipwrecked on a desert island
and I could pick one man to have as my

companion, I'd pick you.

On a desert island, you need a Man
Friday.

Everybody talks about you.

Everybody wants to see me do something
to you. Right?

I don't want the lawyers to sue me. I
don't want the TV company to sue me. But

I've been waiting.

You're always there, my honey.

You're not the same man you was years
ago. Show the people now.

Show the American public.

You're not the same. You was a few years
ago.

You want to know the truth?

I found him when he was a little black
kid in Louisville stealing bikes. I made

him what he is. That's it.

You Muhammad Ali, huh?

You look like nothing to me, child.

You want to step out in the alley?

Alley.

I can't stand the sight of blood.

Especially your own blood.

Ladies and gentlemen, Mr.

Muhammad Ali.

Some comedians up here, I've heard of
guys throwing fights. I'm sure

you all have heard about guys that throw
fights.

But this is the first time that I've
seen anybody throw a roast.

And Claude Patterson, you know when I
fought you, man?

I almost put you to sleep. And with that
stuff you're talking tonight, you

almost put me to sleep.

And you, you are intelligent. You two
fighters are intelligent.

Most boxers couldn't even read what y
'all read. I watched y 'all read.

No kidding.

You get George Foreman or Joe Frazier
kidding on the parade.

You, you're great.

You are really great.

I mean, you come here, you come here
high and you still can make it look

It don't seem like a man would have a
big television show like this and such a

world figure, nice looking. And he don't
care nothing about these shows. He

don't care nothing about the strips.

He came in and they had it, champ.

How you feeling?

I'm not talking about it.

Got your thing down? Yeah.

All right, we're going.

Hey, John.

He's serious.

Everybody's got some type of talent,
Colesale.

We've made it either being great, or
good looks, or personality, or

or some type of influence. But you are
living proof that you don't need nothing

to make it.

I wouldn't say Jackie was heavy then,
but it's the only time we ever roasted

anybody and had some leftovers.

Jackie, you do look beautiful. I won't
say you've been fat, but the June Taylor

dancers could use your pants for a
dressing room.

When Jackie went to school, he was a
dropout.

The floor caved in.

When came Jackie's success on
television? The Honeymooners. On that

had something special, something
magical, something America couldn't wait

every week.

Art Carney.

This is the tough roast I've appeared on
this last month.

And, you know, you do so many of these
roasts, you run out of things to say.

Like tonight, I feel like Zsa Zsa
Gabor's next husband.

I mean, I know what I'm supposed to do,
but how do you make it interesting?

This is really a great array of stars. I
understand, by the way, that President

Ford was supposed to fly in from
Washington on Air Force One, but he

remember the number of the plane.

Andy Kissy was supposed to be here, too.
They looked all over, but they couldn't

find him.

He was home.

Did you... Pardon me.

I got so much gas, I'm being followed by
Arabs.

You know, I worked for Jackie for quite
a few years.

And you couldn't ask for a more
generous, kind, and understanding

Because if you did ask, he'd fire you.

Now, let's talk about Jackie's movie
account.

Not the ones that he was in. The ones
that he influenced.

One day, he was floating on a raft in
his swimming pool. And he rolled over.

Some guy saw him.

The Poseidon Adventure.

He rolled over and land.

Earthquake.

Reggie Van Gleeson. We saw the side of
Jackie that was wild, raucous, drunk.

A man so desperate for booze that he
once tried to squeeze the juice out of

scotch tape.

You know, being Jackie's TV wife, Alice,
it was just marvelous.

Being hugged and squeezed by him, it was
much more important than you think.

It was the beginning of violence on
television.

really lucky, though, to get to do
Alice.

Because at this time, although it's not
generally known, some of the biggest

stars in show business were auditioning
for the part.

For instance, Jackie told me that Zsa
Zsa Gabor was dying to be Alice. And she

looked at her and she said, Ralph,
darling, I simply would adore being Mrs.

Crandum. I mean, Crandum.

Crandum. I don't know what it is. I
can't pronounce it. But whatever it is,

would adore it, darling.

I would never, never look at another
man.

And in the way you're built, I haven't
finished looking at all of you.

Doesn't the gym look nice tonight?

Thank you, Mr. Martin.

It's nice to find a person of your
heritage sitting up.

my official capacity.

Ralph Crandon, I'm here to pay homage to
you as legally elected representative

of royal order of the raccoons.

Somebody walked into the room.

I want to give you the old raccoon
signal.

Not to forget the old raccoon. Your
raccoon handshake.

Your raccoon ain't what it used to be,
Ralph.

What'd you do, have a spade?

The tides of emotion are turning.

Our reunion tonight in this glorious
tribute can only help to up my morale.

And knowing how you feel about me...

Up yours, too.

I am the personal physician.

I am the

personal physician.

I am the personal physician.

it is true that Mr.

Greaseball is a trifle overweight.

A thorough examination of him this
morning proved conclusive.

Proved conclusive.

Proved without a doubt.

He is not a slob.

He's not a pig.

He's not fat.

He's pregnant.

You may ask, how could old bubbly belly
here get with child?

The usual way.

Dinner, dancing, a few drinks.

He said, me have a baby.

Me, me have a baby.

Have a child.

I said, he said, that's inconceivable.

Pound for pound, the funniest guy in the
world, Mr.

Jackie Gleason.

to say something about you, pal.

You and I have simpatico.

Dean and I have been on more floors than
Johnson's wax.

And Phyllis Taylor, what a pleasure to
see you again.

I haven't seen you since Zoo Parade was
canceled.

Phyllis is so skinny.

She once walked by a pool room and they
chalked her up.

It is great to see you, Milton Berle,
tonight.

I've been Milton's friend for almost 30
years.

And there are many reasons for that.
Mostly bad luck.

And Audrey Meadows.

I'm so happy for her.

She married an airline executive, and
she's doing a real charitable thing

tonight.

She's turning her check over to a
minority group, the Friends of Milton

Lucy, has been as much fun.

as watching the Walton family sort
cranberries.

And there's an old saying that a man
drinks to forget.

And now that the evening is over, I'm
heading straight for the bar.

Welcome to the second half of our
branding party. You know, all the roasts

special occasions, but one of the nights
that was a great memory for me was the

night we roasted Jack Benny.

The character that Jack had developed
over the years was an easy target.

The real Jack Benny was a kind and
generous guy.

I never heard anyone ever say an unkind
word about Jack, except in fun.

This was a fun night for us.

Special roasts for a special man, Jack
Benny.

I'm going to tell you a few stories
about Jack, and they're all true.

We've been friends for a lot of years,
about 55 years.

We've been very, very close friends, and
there's a reason for it.

I always tell Jack how much I love his
violin playing, and he always tells me

how much he loves my singing.

And that's how we've stayed friends all
these years.

lying to each other.

One night, Louis B. Mayer gave a
musicale, and we were all invited. There

Gracie and myself and Mary and Jack.

He was going to introduce his new
singing star, Jeanette MacDonald.

And after dinner, they lined up two rows
of chairs around the piano.

And when Jeanette MacDonald got up to
sing her famous song, In You Love Call,

hushed fellow with a room.

And I leaned over to Jack and I said,
Jack, when this charming lady starts to

sing, it would be very rude if you were
to laugh.

Well, she no sooner got the first note
out of her throat than he fell down and

he laughed out of carry -on.

So he not only ruined Jeanette
McDonald's song, but he ruined Louis B.

musicale.

See, you see, I'm not the only one who
makes him laugh. Jeanette McDonald made

him laugh, too.

And you can't blame him because Indian
Love Call is a very, very funny song.

Anyway, as I said, Jack, we've been
friends for 55 years, and it's time we

stopped lying to each other. And I know
that you despise my singing.

Can I tell you something?

I still think I sing better than you
play that lousy violin.

I'm going to reveal an even more
heartwarming secret.

And, Jack, I hope this won't embarrass
you. I really do.

Jack Benny saved my life.

It's true.

When I first came to Hollywood,
struggling young actor, one Christmas I

found myself in the hospital badly in
need of a blood donor.

And this kind gentleman volunteered.

And as I was getting the transfusion, I
thought to myself, what an unselfish

man.

And when I get out of this hospital, I'm
going to have to repay him with a $50

present.

And about halfway through the
transfusion, I thought,

Fly embarrassing by overdoing it.

$25 gift would be less ostentatious.

Would you believe it? By the time I had
a quart of Jack Benny's blood in, I just

said to myself, to heck with it, a
Christmas card's good enough.

Hello, folks.

This is Jack Benny in New York City with
his 1

,423rd farewell newscast.

And this is George Burns in

Washington.

from Hollywood is my very good friend to
give you all the sports, Mr.

Jimmy Stewart.

Ah, ah, but, but, but, but, but, but,
but, but, but, but, but, but, but, but,

but, but, but, but, but, but, but, but,
but,

I,

um, I'm here.

to, uh, just,

uh, I, um... And the thing

is that it just, it just, you see, I
just don't understand it.

Why'd you hurry up? He's worth dying!

Ladies and gentlemen, With great pride,
I give you America's favorite comedian,

Mr. Jack Benny.

Ladies and gentlemen, I'm in the most
difficult position of any

personality that has ever been roasted
on the Dean Martin Show.

Because nearly everything they said
about me is true.

I am cheap, stingy, frugal.

I was going to say penurious.

but nobody on this dayeth would know
what the hell I was talking about.

I'm flattered to be here because it
isn't everybody who can be chosen

man of the week.

You have to be listed in the phone book.

Now, of course, you all know that the
closest friend I have in this business

George Burns.

And we're around the same age.

Give or take a couple of minutes.

And we have a lot in common.

Now, something like this was mentioned
earlier in the evening, but we can't

that when we prepare material.

We don't know what they're going to say.

But the other night, George and I went
to see, and I won't mention the picture,

and it wasn't deep throat, we went to
see an X -rated movie.

And we both fell asleep.

Jimmy Field, of course, is a person.

And he and his wife, Gloria, are great
animal lovers, which you probably all

know. And they're on the board of the
zoo, the Los Angeles Zoo.

So every year around the holidays, Jimmy
rings my doorbell and asks me to buy a

raffle ticket on an elephant.

Now, what the hell am I going to do with
another elephant?

And I must say, Dean, I really
appreciated this evening's tribute.

Let's face it, all of us in show
business enjoy recognition.

And believe me, it wasn't easy for me at
first to make it in Hollywood.

I can't drink like you do.

I can't act like George C. Scott.

And when it comes to Frank Sinatra,
well, good night, folks.

I had the night we roasted Michael
Landon was when a guy came on as a

Indian and really hit a nerve.

I wasn't sure I could stop laughing. And
Don Rickles was no help.

That's coming up in just a few minutes.
Now, watch.

Michael was born in the East. He comes
from a pioneer strain.

His great -great -grandmother came out
west in a covered wagon and...

had 27 children. And believe me, that's
quite a strain on any pioneer.

While Michael was one of the
cartwrights, he was so busy mending

the fields, and branding cattle, there
was no time for romance in his life,

except in one episode.

He fell in love.

With a horse that shaved its legs.

I'm no expert. I happen to be from a
family of cattle ranchers. And maybe

why I spot certain things on your show
that give you away as a city boy.

Like the time you tried to brand your
cows with a magic marker.

And that unforgettable time your...

daughters asked you, Daddy, what do you
do if we're attacked by Indians and you

told them, don't worry, I'll make them
marry you?

Son.

Very sentimental.

I'd like to say,

Sit up, sit up straight.

Keep your hands off the table and put
the cigarettes away.

Put on your shoes.

Mike is a little excited tonight.
There's no school tomorrow.

We all know that we played father and
son on the show.

And in many ways, that relationship was
very real.

And it still exists.

To this day, he treats me like a father.

Never thinks of me.

Never comes to see me.

Didn't call me on Father's Day.

I must say, though, it's wonderful that
we all ended up on Bonanza. I mean,

there we were, a 47 -year -old father
and three 40 -year -old sons.

And I just knew he would make it big
because the first, I think it was the

day in Bonanza, he came in and he looked
at the Ponderosa and he said,

someday all this will be mine.

And then he loosened the brakes on my
car.

The MGM Studios recently signed one of
Hollywood's greatest film producers to

prepare. a motion picture that will star
Michael Landon, and with us this

evening is the producer, ladies and
gentlemen, one of America's great

of Western classics, Mr. John
Whitestone.

Business probably shouldn't be mixed
with pleasure.

Contrary to what a young lady told me at
the bar before.

But this picture we're doing is a must
for you.

Remake of the great western movie
classic, Wagon Boat.

Which starred Humphrey Bogart, Gary
Cooper, and Robert Mitchum. The opening

scene was unforgettable.

Especially the Indian chief who will be
played by you.

Said.

I don't know.

There's no cow in the men's room.

Why don't you ask him if we can go
through the...

There.

you get the smoke to pay me.

All right, I will.

all muscularial territory.

Ain't that wild?

I think that's just dancing.

Well, if I go up and get it, I wonder
what he can see.

Oh, yes.

A key -wanna -wanna. A key -wanna
-wanna. He wonders.

Right, I wonder.

All right, Chief, let's hear you sing.

Ladies

and

gentlemen, our man of the hour, Mr.

Michael Landon, the Chief.

To say the least.

I'm a little nervous being up here. I'm
not a comedian.

I'm not used to getting laughs.

And I can see that none of you are
either.

Commander Blake.

Commander, it's very nice seeing you
here.

Even though I did ask for a part of a
sandwich.

Warren was...

It was wonderful. It was a lot of good
years. Lauren played my father on

for 14 years.

And I'll never forget those days.

Never forget the times that I used to
wander into the room at night and say,

Lauren, please, can I have the keys to
the horse?

You know, you people out there think you
know Don Rickles. I know Don Rickles.

So a lot of you people out there, Don
is, well, he's first disgusting.

He's obscene.

And then he's lewd.

But to those of us who know him and love
him, he's exactly the opposite.

First he's lewd.

Then he's obscene. Then he's disgusting.

Seriously, this has been a fun evening.
You're all... All of you up here on the

day is very big talent.

But the fact that you're all big in
television doesn't really mean that much

me.

Let's face it. Television is an
invention where...

You're entertained in your living room
by people you wouldn't have in your

house.

Now here's Lucy, my favorite redhead.

You know, I always thought that Henry
Fonda was such a nice, sweet guy, but

know what he said about this lady?

Well, you'll see.

But it's all right. Lucy, she hits back.

There isn't anything this woman can't
do. She can sing, she can dance, she can

get laughed, especially with her singing
and dancing.

Go on, Broadway.

It was Samuel Goldwyn who saw her
dancing in the chorus. Mr. Goldwyn

take his eyes off Lucy.

She had something no other girl in the
chorus had.

Torn underwear.

It was while Lucy was under contract to
RKO that she met a young Cuban

bandleader, Desi Arnaz. He soon fell in
love with Lucille's style of physical

comedy. But enough of your wedding
night.

But Lucy's got her problems, too. Now, I
happen to know that she wants to dye

her hair back to its original color, but
she can't remember it.

All my life, I have tried to look like
Lucy. I even use the same beauty cream

Lucy uses, but nothing works.

You know that ugly skin on your elbows?

My whole body looks like that.

I'm going to tell you the truth about
Lucille Ball.

I knew all her innermost secrets.

You see that nice, fresh look she always
had over the years?

she isn't with Desi anymore.

She got him a job as dialogue coach on
Chico and the Man.

He still keeps up the payments on his
bongos.

Actually, I'd like to stay out here a
little longer, but I know Lucy has to

up early tomorrow morning.

Earl Shive's doing her hair.

Today, Lucy may have her millions.

But her rise to fame was an uphill
battle. I know this. When Lucy was just

innocent kid of 19, she always had that
frightened look of a new girl at a

Sinatra party.

Did you know that Lucille Ball used to
travel with the Kay Kaiser band?

She wasn't a singer. She just liked to
travel with the band.

Yes, ladies and gentlemen, Lucille Ball
has worked hard to get where she is

today.

She was a chorus girl in a nightclub in
Hollywood Boulevard, I think it was the

Tractor Bureau, where every night, Lucy
did the Dance of the Virgins, which she

performed from memory.

You don't remember me, but I was your
first wife.

don't know why I'm here. They called me
up and said, Tony, we need a pretty

face.

Look at Diller. I want you to look at
Diller over there.

Look at the hair. Do you believe it?

She looks like her head fell in the
cheese dip.

Stop touching me.

in my dressing room before the show.

Banging on my door, banging on my door.

I had to let him out.

This is the only guy I know who takes
vitamin E and Somonex so he can sleep

through his orgies.

All these years, I thought Lucy was such
a swinger.

When I first met Moose, he called me a
toady. Come on over.

We're going to have a pot party.

You know how excited I got?

I'd never been to one of those things.

I went over.

She was selling Tupperware.

Lucy, darling.

Yes? You have been a big star for many,
many years.

And it must kill you.

to see a young kid like me stepping into
your shoes.

I know the idea of these roasts is to
get up here and insult the guests of

with a lot of lies, but if you don't
mind, I'd like to be a little different.

I'd like to tell a true story about Miss
Ball.

It's insulting, but it's a true story.

About a hundred years ago, I was... I

was sharing bachelor quarters with Jimmy
Stewart.

And Jimmy was dating Ginger Rogers, and
I was insanely jealous because I was

secretly in love with Ginger myself.

And one night, Jimmy asked me if I'd
like to double date with a friend of

Ginger's, a young actress.

under contract to RKO named Lucille
Ball.

She was going nowhere.

Well, we went dancing, and actually,
Miss Ball and

I were having a great time together. She
was a lot of fun, full of laughs, and

who knows what might have developed.

But you may notice that I'm the only one
on the podium that calls her Miss Ball.

Mine was intimate enough to call her
Lucy.

That's the point of the story, yeah?

I made a terrible mistake.

Both girls looked ravishingly lovely in
the soft lights, and we danced till

dawn. But when we came out into the
harsh glare of the daylight, the girls'

makeup looked about an inch thick.

And it was... Well, what it was was
ugly.

It's simply untrue what Miss Ball has
been telling people all these years that

went to the gutter and retched.

I was just coughing a lot.

I'd like to take this opportunity after
all these years, because it was a very

ungentlemanly thing, to...

To apologize.

Miss Ball, Lucy, I love you.

You

probably

don't remember me.

But we go back a long way.

Actually, I've known Lucille Ball, man
and boy, for over 20 years.

And during that time, I consider the
years I spent on I Love Lucy to be

the biggest rip -off of my career.

I remember when she was head of Desilu
Productions, she had a sign on her desk

that said, The buck stops here.

I didn't realize at the time that she
meant it literally.

What a night. Who are we honoring?

And I'm just delighted. I must say,
pardon me, I'm just delighted because I

always wanted to meet Henry Fonda.

Henry Fonda, you and Jesse and the ball
and with Frank, the whole thing.

With Jackie Cooper, you were so good,
Henry. God bless you.

Now it's time to quit.

You are as beautiful as ever. My wife
said to me last night, as we laid in

she said, is Luthing young?

And I said, baby, young is not the
point. It's what's in your heart. Right,

Lucy?

Lucy? Put her in a home.

Look at this. The husband went, yeah.

I kid. Gary, we've known each other
many, many years.

And you always said to me, be kind to
Lucy.

I say this to her, shut up. I hate when
a, when a spade butts in.

Now.

Use that spade one more time and
there'll be troops in front of your door

tomorrow.

They can't do nothing because I top
down.

Just two words I know. Lucy Boss.

Thank you.

Thank you. This has really been
something.

You know, some performers can go through
their entire career and never, never

have a night like this.

Those are the lucky ones.

Of course, I'm not only glad I'm
overwhelmed that Henry Fonda came here

We're great friends, I'm happy to say.

We've done two pictures together, and
whenever Hank was around, the set always

came to life.

I wish I could say the same for Hank.

Phyllis, darling, although we've never
been close, after tonight I'm sure we

never will be.

Really, Phyllis, the years have been
kind to you.

It's the weeks in between you who louse
yourself up.

Milton, darling, it's always good to see
you.

You know, Milton Berle is an inspiration
to all the kids of America.

They figure if he can make it, anybody
can.

Milton, I kid you really, but you've
really given us a lot of pleasure at our

house. You never come over anymore.

You know, during my lifetime, I've had
audiences with the Pope.

I've dined with presidents.

Once I was an overnight guest with the
Trumans when they were at the White

House. But being here tonight with
people in my own business, I can

say... How great it was being with the
Pope and the President.

Well,

they finally turned the tables on me.

Taking over my spot as host, Don Rickles
proved that behind that warm smile,

there's a hothead.

Tonight, we are honoring our man of the
hour.

Dean Martin.

You heard the applause, Dean. I'd worry.

Can you imagine him, huh? Can you
imagine him if he was in the infantry in

War II? Attack!

Oh, I'm going to go lay down first.

And so, uh, who are we honoring tonight?

A man who has trouble finding his legs.

What an exciting night, folks. You can't
believe I have chills just looking

around, seeing all these people. Senator
Goldwater, sorry about the election.

So close. You could have been the
president. We could have hung out

Gee.

How do you feel, Bob?

Spoke to the Texaco company. You're
going to blow up Thursday.

Bless you, Bob. Keep that image. They
don't know at home you run around in

underwear going, where's Dolores?

You remember Dolores, the missus?

Jimmy, I spoke to the family. You're
doing well.

You're doing well, Jimmy.

Spoke to the wife. She's leaving you.

Hey, listen. It's such a great thing to
see all these wonderful guests in, to

see Howard Cosell. And I'll tell you,
Howard, from the bottom of my heart, you

can't even tell. It's perfect.

Come on, Senator, I laughed at you when
you lost.

Good to see Angie Dickinson sitting next
to Joe Namath. When I blow the whistle,

yell hike.

Anyway.

Jimmy! Morning!

Last night he fell into his own pants.

But it's your night, boy.

It's your big night.

And I'm perspiring.

I'm getting malaria.

The Japanese guy went, Oguri, guri!

In his way, Dean, and I know him very
well as the soul of a poet, I'm told

that... In his most famous song, Dean
offers a lyric which is so romantic, so

touching, that it will be enjoyed by
generations of lovers until the end of

time.

Let's share it together.

When the moon hits your eye, like a big
pizza pie,

that's Amore.

Now, that's what I call touching, Dean.

It has all the romanticism of a Tidy
Bowl commercial.

When the world seems to shine like you
have had too much wine, that's amore.

What a profound thought.

Could be inscribed forever on a cocktail
napkin.

So you're the man of the hour.

I can't tell you what a thrill it is to
be here. The only thing I give this up

for is being guest of honor at a flash
flood.

I suppose I'm here because I did some of
Dean's variety shows.

They were television's first family
hour.

If you happen to come from a broken
family.

In case you're interested, Dean and I
don't socialize very much. We have very

different tastes. I prefer museums,
gourmet cuisine, legitimate stage.

Dean likes bocce ball.

Pizza.

And the pussycat theaters.

I'm proud to list Dean Martin as a dear,
close friend.

And to show the depth of his friendship
at my last re -election, Dean drank to

my good health.

He also drank to an armadillo.

This being an election year, I feel that
it's healthy for our country to have as

wide a choice of candidates as possible.

What I'm suggesting, it's not too late
for a new candidate.

For those who aren't gone on wrong,

or all aboard for Ford, I proudly offer
a third choice.

Dinos are bambinos.

Yes, there's room in our political
spectrum for the man of the hour. If not

president, then maybe something even
more important.

Senator.

A candidate believes in equal
opportunity for women.

He chooses all the gold diggers
personally.

To find out if they give off the right
vibrations, he has the most unusual

He taps each gold digger with a tuning
fork, leaving no stern untuned.

Now listen. You're so good as a
detective in movies. I thought maybe you

do an episode of Police Woman.

I can just see us together.

Pepper and Schlepper.

We'd have the script tailored just, you
know, for your image and talent. We'd

have the scene where you'd jump out of
the car and you'd say, okay, up against

the fender and I'm going to frisk you
from head to toe and I, oh, I hope it's

me.

And then we'd get back in to our patrol
car after I'd persuade you to stay on

the force.

And we'd go to a neighborhood filled
with people doing dangerous,

things. My jaws are so tired.

Hey, this isn't a dental show. Just do
your act and get off.

Let's get back in the alley.

Why is it that I'm the most famous, the
most successful, the greatest fighter of

all times? Because I have an
imagination.

You have an imagination. You have a
gimmick.

You act like you're crazy.

What are you laughing about, Costello?
Don't open your mouth to me.

Costello, this is not your show. I'd
have made you famous enough.

I know you all over the world, so
everywhere I go, you follow me to get

publicity. Every time I want a show, you
come. You follow me all around.

But we don't want to. Why did you invite
us?

So live and take is something else.

Who's going to tell him when it's over?

Are you telling me to go? No, dismiss.

How about you, baby? Roll right along.

I'm going to live in Memphis whenever
you want.

I drive the school bus and you go to
school.

You're not as dumb as you look, boy.

thing you have to say about dean he he
knows how to relax i remember uh we did

picture together called bandolero
several years ago and dean was forced to

off a three -story building and uh he
was forced to do it and and right in the

middle of it he fell asleep

I've got something to tell you a little
more serious than that, and I want to do

it at this time. On that same picture,
Dean saved me from drowning.

As a matter of fact, he saved my life.

We were doing this scene, and we were
crossing a river, and I fell off my

horse, and Dean rescued me and pulled me
to shore.

and gave me mouth -to -mouth
resuscitation.

And, you know, you can't imagine

what effect mouth -to -mouth
resuscitation from Dean Martin can

have on you.

Going back to my hotel room to learn my
lines and study the scene for the next

day, and all of a sudden I said to
myself, I ought to heck with it.

I'll just show up when the cameras start
and read it off the cue cards.

And then the next day, during lunch
break, without knowing it, I found

a phone booth calling a gold digger.

Would you believe it? I ended up with...
Frank Sinatra and Sammy Davis were on

their way to Acapulco. They were having
a big blast.

So, Dean, if it's okay with you, the
next time you see me

drowned, just leave me there.

It's not that Dean drinks.

It's what he does when he drinks.

I mean, asking Kate Smith to go to
Hawaii for the weekend.

Going to an orthopedic hospital and
singing Breaking Up is hard to do.

I mean, I've heard of guys having
blackouts.

But Dean can't remember anything that
happened between the years 67 to 71.

But Dean, as I sat here and listened to
your friends talk about you, I was

amazed.

Really, I've never heard such scurrilous
things being said about anyone.

who wasn't running for office.

Some of you out there in election land
may wonder what a politician is doing on

a show business roast.

But why not?

The fine line between show business and
politics is getting finer all the time.

In fact, one of our distinguished
opponents from the other side, as you

a former actor.

I don't want to mention his name because
according to the equal time rule, If I

do, I'll have to mention the names of
every other candidate, and we would be

here till way after the 11 o 'clock news
just with the Democrats alone.

Now, tonight in 1976, our bicentennial
year, we have come to honor Dean Martin

as the man of the hour.

But I believe that Dean could have been
the man of any hour in our nation's

glorious history.

Why can't you just see, Dean, at the
very birth of our nation, you know, the

Revolutionary War?

He may not have fired the shot heard
round the world, but he would have drunk

it, and you know it.

It occurs to me, Dean, that you probably
are related, too, to the original

discoverer of America.

He, too, was an Italian.

When he started out, he didn't know
where he was going.

He didn't know where he was when he
arrived.

And he didn't know where he had been
when he got home.

I feel kind of close to this wrinkled
old wrangler.

Because Howard Hawks and I sort of broke
him into westerns.

Before that, he'd made a lot of musical
junk, you know, kissing girls, guys

leaping all over, singing and dancing,
fancy costumes, you know, that red silk

handkerchief.

Well, the first time he showed up on the
set of Rio Bravo, he was decked out all

right in authentic cowboy outfit, but he
had that red silk handkerchief hanging

out of his holster.

I pointed out to him that... His pretty,
jingling, silver spurs sounded musical,

but that he had them on backwards.

Incidentally, partner, that Garanga
Motel says you still owe him $200 for

ripped sheets.

And the cocktail waitress figures that
$9 ought to about do for the pantyhose.

I've known Dean for many years, and I
consider it an honor and a privilege to

have been associated with and know Dean.

People say, does he drink?

Some people say, no, he pretends.

One night he pretended so well it took
three guys to carry him home.

He does not pretend.

Dean Martin drinks.

I saw him one night walking around with
a snake in his hand trying to kill a

stick.

You have not lived until you have seen
Dean Martin in a drunken stupor,

whistling for his dog.

Here, boy.

I remember when this purple pixie was a
cub scout.

The happy hours we spend on a summer
evening sitting around at a campfire in

little short pants, roasting our
weenies.

And, of course, warming our buns.

Thank you. I'd be delighted to be here
at these auditions.

But television is wonderful to do this,
and television needs another Dean Martin

roast like the CIA needs a press agent.

But this is a great night. This night is
about as exciting as watching the

Walton family paper train their pet
rock.

Dean has always made news. Even as a
kid, he made medical history. He was the

first seven -year -old to have a liver
transplant.

Yes, he's been drinking since he was
seven. His family didn't know he drank

until one day they saw him sucking on a
popsicle with an olive in it.

Dean got his start in show business
singing with a Sammy Watkins band in

Cleveland. He got $7 a night, $9 when he
didn't show up.

In spite of it all, Dean is one of
America's great sex symbols. He's sort

marinated Burt Reynolds.

This gentleman in the business,
everybody from the day I first started

television was a Dean Martin show with
Greg Garrison, and they put 40 million

celebrities in the audience, including
Mr. Hope at the time.

And just every star that was available
came to watch me, and I perspired, and I

said to Dean, I'm frightened to death,
my goodness.

And he said, no, no, you'll be great,
Pally Boom and Greg Garrison. They

believed in me, and they gave me an
opportunity to be on Dean's show.

He's an unusual man.

You do not see him at too many social
functions. He's not a crowd waver.

He's just a beautiful human being that
the entire industry says, like every guy

turns around and says, boy, to be in
Dean's company is a fun thing because

a guy's guy.

I will not say too much because he would
be the first one to say it. Hey,

probably that's it.

Ladies and gentlemen, a guy that's
loved, Mr. Dean Martin.

I'll say this is a distinguished
-looking dais or dais. I never knew what

was, dais or dais. It looks like the
board of directors of a massage parlor.

I really feel honored that Senator
Goldwater elected to grace this dais

Tonight is the second time Barry
Goldwater has made the people laugh.

First time was when he ran for the
presidency.

you think of great comedy teams, you
have to include Laurel and Hardy,

Evan Costello, Rowan and Martin, all
great comedy teams of the past.

You know, I've been with NBC for over 20
years, and I'd like to thank you all

for your loyalty and for looking in and
sharing some laughs with us.

I hope my most talented friends and I
have provided you with a lot

of them this evening.

This has been the most memorable evening
for me, thanks to Jimmy Stewart,

Senator Barry Goldwater, Gene Kelly,
Gabe Kaplan, John Wayne,

Howard Cosell, Joey Bishop, Paul Lynn,
Georgia Engel, Rowan

and Martin, Tony Orlando, Angie
Dickinson, Senator,

Hubert Humphrey, Nipsey Russell, Ruth
Buzzi, Bob Hope, Foster

Brooks, Orson Welles, Charlie Callis,
Rich Little, Muhammad Ali,

and Joe Namer.

And my host, my dear, dear friend, Mr.
Don

Rickles. Good night.