All language subtitles for Dean Martin Telly Savalas (1974)

The Dean Martin Celebrity Roast, coming
to you from the MGM Grand Hotel in the

entertainment capital of the world, Las
Vegas, Nevada.

The glittering city of excitement and
laughter provides the scintillating

backdrop for tonight's star -studded
roast.

Ladies and gentlemen, from the Celebrity
Room of the Grand Hotel, Dean Martin

honors our man of the hour, Mr.

Telly Savalas, with tonight's guest,
Angie Dickinson.

Don Rickles, Dick Martin, Ernest
Forsythe, Dan Rowan,

Phyllis Dillard, Shelly Winters, Rich
Little,

George Kennedy, Richard Ramfrey, Howard
Cosell,

Robert Stack,

Nipsey Russell,

Alec Terrace, Dom DeLuise, Peter Gray.

Foster Brooks.

Jaron McGavin.

And your Roastmaster, Dean Martin.

And tonight's very special man of the
hour, Kevin DeValle.

Tally. You are without a doubt the
biggest star in show business today, and

that's the first of many lies you'll
hear tonight.

You're a new kind of sex symbol, rough
and tough. Every week this man gets over

10 ,000 fan letters, all from bald
-headed women.

is today's most popular sex symbol his
wife is never jealous because Telly has

great strength of character women are
always asking Telly to cheat and he

gives them the same answer yes

he lives

by the wisdom of Socrates who once said
show me a man who wears a

robe

of sackcloth, burlap sandals, and walks
with a goat by his side, and I'll show

you a contestant on Let's Make a Deal.

Terry, I hope your life gets more
interesting because people are beginning

walk out of here.

Now it's time for our very funny friend,
Phyllis Diller.

Phyllis has a singular distinction for
the past two years. She's been on the

best dressed list for men.

There's another singular distinction.
When she visits her psychiatrist, he

her lay on the couch face down.

Ladies and gentlemen, here she is,
Granny Walton West, Miss Phyllis

I'm here for one reason.

I want to be your secretary.

You see, every detective on television
has a Girl Friday, and I want to do

things for you, Telly. Just you. I don't
want to work for Columbo. He'd smoke

all my cigars.

And I couldn't work for Cannon because
he's so fat he'd want to wear my panty

girdle.

And who wants to work for McCloud? At
the end of the day, he comes back to his

office and kisses the horse.

I'd be great in police work. Believe me,
I would. I have everything Angie

Dickinson has.

Only with me, I have to search a little
longer to find it.

And I know office work, and I'm crazy
about you.

You could fold, spindle, and mutilate me
all you want.

And I'd never tell.

Look, I'm no kid. I've been around.

I've been spindled before.

And in no time at all, I'll break up a
dope ring. You and your brother George.

I'd even help you break up prostitution
rings.

I'll even help you start one.

Like I said, I've been spindled before.

Believe me, I want to get crimes of
passion off the street and back into the

bedroom where they belong.

Kelly, I'd die for you. I've looked into
the barrel of a .38 before.

I took a bullet in the chest last year.
I lost a pint of blood and two quarts of

silicone.

I know what a man like you needs when he
comes home. A pipe, slippers, and a dog

lying at his feet.

Me.

I understand the Drinker's Hall of Fame
has just retired your liver.

Before I do pay my disrespects to Telly
Savalas, I should like to pay my

respects to the appearance on the dais
of my Monday Night Football compatriot,

Alex Karras.

Number 71, Dino, you didn't mention
that, who has become a legendary figure,

course, in the history of professional
football.

It's now documented that a fat man out
of shape can be one of the all -time

greats.

Now I should like to turn the spotlight
on Telly Savalas, but I'm afraid the

reflection would blind everybody.

In actuality, Telly is very versatile.

As you've all borne witness to see, he
does everything badly.

Telly has made a number of motion
pictures over the years. His pictures

had a message, and that message was,
don't go to see them.

His ego has reached such monumental
proportions that one night on his show,

expect to see him get shot down.

and perish in his own arm.

There is one arena in which Telly truly
excels. He is renowned for his

proclivity in the pursuit of the
opposite sex. In fact, he's the poster

the Massage Paula Foundation.

Showtellers, through this compendium of
divergent information, your true

personality has emerged.

I don't understand a word you're saying.

What else is new?

Telly Savalas is vain, oversexed,
egomaniacal, insufferable.

And he is overbearing, which proves...

As I view it, that you are truly a well
-rounded human being. Right.

A few years ago, George Kennedy had a TV
series called Sarge.

In it, he played a cop who became a
priest.

You might say he went from bunco to
bingo.

George and I appeared in a picture
called Airport.

He was in the ground crew.

I was the pilot, which gives you a good
idea why he wanted to stay on the

ground.

Ladies and gentlemen, very fine acting,
a good guy, Mr. George Kennedy.

On an evening dedicated to making light
of the attributes of our...

honored guest.

I find myself a minority of one. How can
I possibly disparage a man like this,

who in the maturity of life has become
such a huge success, despite being bald,

Greek, and funny looking?

Who can measure the anguish in his soul
when a stranger approaches and says to

him, she's a telly, here comes George
Montgomery with a polishing cloth.

Nature can be cruel also to those born
slightly to the lust of Cary Grant.

Now, you and I frolic at the beach
without a care in the world.

Telly steps out onto the silver sands, a
gull swoops down and tries to hatch his

head.

And now that Telly has become a giant in
our profession, one question remains.

Will success go to his head?

Probably, but it'll keep sticking out.

Tonight we have with us the man who
guides Kelly Stavallis through any

crisis. One of the country's leading
psychiatrists, Dr.

J. William Koch.

Thank you, Mr. Martin, and may I say it
is very gratifying indeed to see one of

my patients doing so well.

This virtuosity, this...

Virtuoso,

this virtuoso... Out of the video.

came to me fretful that his drinking
might set a bad example for his many

viewers.

After only one consultation, he vowed
that he... This is what he said to me.

He said, no more drinking on the air.
And this is what he did. He would take

tuxedo and dip it in booze, and then
from time to time he would just suck his

sleeve.

When this Armenian armadillo...

First came to me, he walked into my
office and he burst into tears. Doctor,

said, doctor, I have trouble holding a
woman.

And then I said, do like I do, grab
anything that doesn't have cold cream on

I had to use the latest psychiatric
techniques in order to cure this

to free associate, and he did. He took
my nurse to the Grand Hotel, the MTM.

it was grand because it was free.

The man was insatiable. I thought it was
Italian.

In fact, my nurse called him Helen
because he was always ready.

Tony Savalas, by the way, this is really
serious, has a deep -seated fear of the

opposite sex, and it's manifested in
this.

Every time he removed the wrapper, He is
symbolically undressing a female.

That's true.

To tell you the truth, this is a woman.

To me, this is a woman.

A lot of your friends couldn't be here
tonight.

Reset wires or telegrams.

Oh, there's Tully.

Dear Tully, enjoy your show, but don't
care much for the strange

-sounding name Kojak that you use. Sign
Kodiak, Banachek, and Kolchak.

Finally, this one. Dear Tully, I heard
you say in an interview that baldness is

a sign of... Ver -verility. I would like
proof of that. Signed, Mrs.

Tully Savala.

Now I'd like you to all meet Mr.

Peter Graves.

Since we're roasting a TV detective, we
felt we should get the star of Mission

Impossible, but we couldn't reach Peter
Lupus.

The only man.

with black dandruff, Mr. Peter Graves.

Now, I think you're about to see a
television first.

Dean accidentally drank a glass of water
and he's going to self -destruct in

five seconds.

Now, he mentioned my hair. I guess
really one of the main reasons that I'm

at the MGM Grand Hotel tonight on this
day is because of my hair.

And later on, I'm supposed to give Telly
head -to -head resuscitation.

Now, you know, some people knock
detective shows, but I think Kojak has

very good effect.

You know, the crime has dropped off so
much in one city that the mafia laid off

seven judges.

Now, one final note on Telly. He is a
dedicated actor and a fine performer.

And he has dared to do something that
nobody else on television would do. He

hired his brother.

Your fans are really devoted. We have
one of them with us tonight who drove

miles to the Megum Hotel.

MGM, okay.

in a beat -up old car just to meet you.
I'd like to bring him out now. Ladies

and gentlemen, here's Teller Savalas'
number one fan.

Excuse me.

Mr.

Savalas, I just want to ask...

Wow, it's really you, isn't it?

You know, my wife, this man drives my
wife bananas.

Watched Kojak last week, went out and
shaved the cat.

I hope I'm not bothering you, sir, but
do you happen to know a cocktail

named Hilda Zabicki?

She's got a problem, sir.

To use TV lingo, you might say she's all
in the family way.

Now, wait a minute. A big TV star like
you would never take advantage of a

sweet, innocent cocktail waitress.

I wish I could say the same for you,
sir.

Mr. Sabellis, I'm sorry I bothered you.
Wait a minute.

Wait.

Maybe you can help me after all.

You see, this yo -yo I'm looking for
likes lollipops.

And, well...

He left this wrapper that I have here
between the seatbelts of Hilda's

Amulet. Interesting wrapper.

Want to know the flavor?

Great.

Funny, that's almost what Hilda
hollered.

I'll be waiting backstage for you, sir.

I thought that was really Peter Lupus.

Our next guest is the irrepressible
Shelly Winters. In the picture, The

Adventure, Shelly had to swim underwater
for a minute and a half, which in her

case is a record for keeping her mouth
shut.

Lovely lady. We all love her in this
business. Miss Shelley Winters. And a

great...

Now,

I know now why they call the MGM Grand
Hotel a lush hotel.

You know, everybody on this desk is
talking about telly, but I'm really the

one qualified to talk about them. We go
back a long time together, 12, 15 years.

We've made three pictures together,
among other things.

One of them was made in Mexico, and it
was called the Scalp

Hunters. Maybe you've seen it on
television.

Scalp Hunters. Have you seen that
picture?

he wore his hat most of the time.

You see, he was a villain and I was his
ma and I was in this covered wagon in a

brass bed.

Girls, can you imagine spending three
hot months in Mexico with Telly in a

bed?

And then we did a film called The Young
Savages in New York.

It's dangerous making pictures in the
ghetto areas in New York. Till he saved

from being molested.

He really did.

He forgot my room number.

Then we did a film in Rome. It was
called Buona Sera, Mrs. Campbell. You

have seen it. And we stayed at a famous
hotel where all the airline

stewardesses, you know, from TWA stayed.

running up and down the hallways and
shouting, try me, I'm Telly!

I wasn't supposed to say anything nice
tonight about Telly, but the qualities

that have suddenly made Telly a national
sex symbol is something I've enjoyed

for a long time.

I'd love that, Mr. Booth.

Ernest Borgnine, whose portrayal of
Marty won him an Oscar for Best Actor.

His latest movie is called Law and
Disorder, and already the Academy is

about that same Oscar. They want it
back.

My good friend, Ernest Borgnine. Let us
hear it.

You know, I know he said that I am his
good friend.

But I think he's got me mixed up with
somebody else. Because when I came in

tonight, he said, Hi, Ernest. How's
Julia?

You know, as I look at the people on the
dais, I'm reminded of an old movie of

mine, The Dirty Dozen.

Of course, now, that doesn't apply to
Don Rickles.

You remind me of another movie that I
made.

Willard.

I'm going to be honest with you, buddy.

I'm getting sick and tired of hearing
all this bunk about you being the latest

sex symbol.

Come on. There hasn't been a Greek sex
symbol since Anthony Quinn played Zorba.

And he's Irish and a Mexican.

And that's not Mexican Harris.

Here's a scene from an upcoming episode
in which two of Kojak's

undercover agents are setting up... A
stakeout.

I've got the yo -yo.

I've got the string.

You know what you're supposed to do?

Yeah. The lieutenant's been drilling me.

Okay.

What's your first move?

I take a kayak to Quincy or Nyack. No.

No, you don't.

I take a kojak to Quincy or Mojack. No.
No.

take a powder to Boston for chocolate.

All right. I remember it well.

Good. Now, what time do we meet?

We meet at nine.

Oh, we meet at eight.

I'll be on time.

Oh, you'll be late.

Ah, yes.

I remember it well.

I dine with friends.

You dine alone.

A tenor sings.

Baritone.

Everybody loves song.

Can

we

get a tenor? Never mind that. Have you
got a straight so far?

Yes. I remember it well.

That dazzling April moon.

There'll be.

No moon that night in the month of June.

Of course.

That's right.

That's right.

Didn't Kojak teach you anything?

Sure, he taught me his specialty.

His specialty.

Right. Taught me that, too.

Police brutality.

How did he do that? Well, he made me
listen to his album.

His album? Album.

That's brutal, all right. It sure is.
How come everybody loves him?

Everybody.

Somebody. Somebody.

We're all going to sit down.

Let's subway ride.

I'll let you drive me home.

You lose a glove. No, Kojak's cone.

Oh, yeah.

on our credits, many people with helping
him become a star, but none more than

the man you're about to meet.

Ladies and gentlemen, please welcome
Tully Savalas' personal barber, Mr.

Brooks.

Oh. Oh.

Hi, Saggy.

I happen to be the personal barber for
Tally Saliva.

I am always on call in much the same
fashion as many of

the damsels of this fair city.

in my hand, this crafty razor.

The finely honed instrument which has
made Telly stand out in her crowd.

Unless he's among you, Brenner, Mr.

Clean, or Norman, Norman Vincent, after
I peeled him.

Yet great as my contributions have been,
I cannot claim so credit for Curley's

success.

Much of the credit must go to this gusty
Greek himself.

Because, you see, ladies and gentlemen,
in a world full of armpits, he dared to

be an elbow.

I'm going to introduce our next guest,
who I met just once, but now, Richard

Roundtree, who became an overnight
sensation as the star of Shaft.

A great guy, Mr. Richard Roundtree.

We're here tonight to pay tribute to
Teller Savalas, or as I'd like to think

him, the...

Hunky Isaac Hayes.

Nobody ever worked harder to achieve
success than Telly. He spent weeks

preparing himself for the role of Kojak.

Prowling the streets of New York,
observing the city, studying its

beating up winos.

But the most important thing Tully
brought to Kojak was his own

Now, he has taken a character of a New
York cop and given him a great dignity,

in much the same way that the black man
was given dignity by Amos and Andy.

Let's introduce a fine actor. As the
dynamic Elliot Ness, he casts a spell

American ears with such electric lines
of dialogue as, let's go.

Come on, men.

And once in a two -parter, you're
surrounded, Roselli.

I'm speaking about Mr.

Robert Stack, ladies and gentlemen.

I think I was invited here tonight
because about a third of my life ago I

a law enforcement officer.

That has to be the reason because I
don't know Mr.

Savalas.

This evening, however, I've listened and
learned a lot about him.

I've learned his nose is not the one
nature endowed him with, but rather a

cutting from Karl Maldon's.

I now know that this great man has a
tendency to do strange things with

lollipops.

I've learned that his head is either an
egg, a moon, a cantaloupe, or upon

closer inspection, a model for half of a
maiden format.

I now know a lot of things about this
remarkable man. And after leaving them

all, I can truthfully say, I'm glad I
never met him.

If Telly were not such a passionate
lover, he would have his curly locks

But women have hugged, kissed, and
patted till they rubbed his hair away.

What I find ingratiating about the man
is his affinity for the underprivileged,

and why not?

He's a poverty kid from a large family.
He had so many brothers and sisters, he

used to come home late so he could sleep
on top of the pie.

what it was to be hungry.

If somebody threw that dog a bone, the
dog had to signal for a fair catch.

And now he's become a star, contrary to
the prevailing opinion.

He is not proficient in police methods,
telling anybody would know you don't

frisk a streaker.

That's why.

That's our profit.

Sure. What does a Greek know about being
a detective?

All of the truly great legendary
detectives have been my people.

Don't sit there and stare. I can name
them.

Boston Blackie.

to the ghetto of Watts and Harlem for a
little familiarization, he got too

familiar.

He saw a soul brother standing in a dark
doorway. He walked over and gave him

the Black Power sign.

Telly said, right on, brother.

The dude said, put that other hand in
the air. Whitey, this is a sticker.

I love you, Telly.

you on your recent marriage and leave
you with a word of caution.

Sometimes the honeymoon doesn't work out
when May gets married to December, for

the sweet young thing has never learned
how and the old goat doesn't remember.

ladies and gentlemen, is a man of whom a
Xerox machine once said, copycat.

Mr. Rich Little.

I read an article not too long ago, and
it's been said many times up here

tonight. Telly Savalas is a new sex
symbol?

I asked John Wayne about that.

And Duke said, well, Telly's

bell is a sex symbol. Well, that's the
funniest damn thing I've ever heard in

life.

Then

I

asked Truman Capote about the sexiness
of Telly, and Truman said,

Well, there's no doubt about it in my
mind that Telly is one of the

sexiest people that ever lived.

As a matter of fact, Telly Savalas has
got animal magnetism.

And he smells like it, too.

Ask Jack Benny what he thought about
Tully Savalas.

Well, what the hell, he doesn't do a
thing for me.

But then, I never asked him.

I'd like to close with a word from Spiro
Agnew.

Do you remember Spiro? Well,

Telly, as the former vice president of
the United States

of America, I just want to say one thing
to you tonight. I hope that you remain

in show business and do not go into
politics because I don't think the

ready for another Greek in Washington.
Thank you very much.

Our next guest is a beautiful lady, the
star of our own television series,

Police Woman.

I did a number of pictures with her, and
I always knew that she was destined to

do a police series, because every time I
tried to sing, she said, Dean, you have

the right to remain silent.

Here she is now, lovely Miss Angie
Dickinson.

I've just seen a preview of your latest
picture, Mr.

Rico, in which you play a San Francisco
lawyer.

And all I can say is, I object.

Kelly, your show is a tremendous hit,
and I must say you deserve it. You may

be the greatest detective on television,
but you're certainly the best dressed,

with the possible exception of Christy
Love.

Women dig that, Telly. They watch you on
television and have fantasies of being

alone with you and running their fingers
through your hat.

But the best indication of what you're
really like comes from women who've

actually met you. I mean, no matter how
casually, like waitresses, secretaries,

stewardesses, they all comment on the
same thing, your openness. You keep

nothing to yourself, especially your
hands.

But you know, I think the secret to your
popularity with women is a certain

quality you exude. It's called charisma,
which as you know is a Greek word

meaning horny.

Welcome to the beast of Beverly Hills,
Don Rickles.

It's starting to go bad, Dean.

Your body is starting to go mildew, I
mean that.

Kathy, his lovely wife, is not here
tonight. She's in the park on the swing.

so many great friends. George Kennedy,
who said to me backstage, I never met

Telly.

George, you made a fool of yourself when
you were up here. You really did.

George, my biggest claim to fame is that
Clint Eastwood is his idol.

And he and Clint Eastwood spent an
evening together watching a fly die in a

blanket.

I would like to say to Shelley Winters,
the last time I saw her, Montgomery

Clift was dropping an oar on her head
and she said, I won't drown.

Charlie, you're a great star today.
You've told me that backstage about four

times, I believe.

These are all your dear friends, Telly.

Alex Karras, the one guy you know
personally, was running in the back with

helmet on into the wall.

But it's great. And Slappy, uh, Slappy.

Nipsey. You're all, you know, you all
look alike.

I kicked a black man, and you know that,
baby. And you were beautiful to tell

me. Tell me it's a great Greek, and
you're a great black man, and I'm a Jew.

I say this from my heart. On behalf of
the Greeks and the Jewish people, don't

move into the neighborhood.

See if he's laughing.

The black people, they get moody.

I'm only kidding you. You know that.

What a great...

Really, you should be delighted, Telly.
These are a great array of stars.

Everyone here is somebody who is really
not that big.

Dean looked around and went, I got it,
Dean. I don't give a damn.

And Bob Stack, you're a lot of fun. He's
the type of guy you meet in Carmel with

Clint Eastwood just standing around
saying, look at that, sap is dripping

the tree.

I'll put it another way, Bob, you're a
dull guy.

Peter Graves is a fantastic man.

Gets up in the morning and said, is my
brother alive?

His brother is Jim Arness. He's not here
tonight. He jumped on his horse and his

saddle was on an angle.

Darren McGavin, The Night Stalker is my
favorite show. In fact, I use that one,

your show, as a nightlight when I fool
with the wife.

Howard Cosell, I will mention your name,
only because you have asked for it.

Frank Sinatra would be here tonight, but
there was too much excitement, so he

called it off.

He's in Palm Springs, just sitting there
alone trying to pick off Australians.

To you, my golden Greek, rise, my
friend, rise.

Let the life of love and may our love
always be together.

May you do to me what I plan to do to
you.

It's not over yet.

This is Yugoslavian.

I like you very much, Tony.

I like you more than I thought I would
like you.

Please sit down because we could be
married in an hour.

Most television detectors...

have a gimmick or a trademark that they
use to show the world how tough they

are. For example, Cannon uses his size,
Ironside uses his intellect, and Columbo

uses his ratings.

So Tully came up with another gimmick
for Kojak.

of the police department, Lieutenant
Kojak himself, Mr.

Talley Saval.

Ladies and gentlemen, members of the
days.

This is an honor that comes to a man
once in a lifetime.

And why the heck did that come in mind?

Some days, on Kojak, we got better
-looking steps at the morgue.

Just think, there's $10 million worth of
talent in this day. That's before

inflation. Today, you can pick them all
up for a buck and a half.

Tonight you attacked the fact that I was
bald.

You attacked my singing voice.

My heritage.

And I laughed right along.

With you.

Somebody had to laugh.

I'm glad that George Kennedy is here
this evening, George.

If I had your talent...

I'd be doing the weather on Channel 13.

Where's Bob Starr?

Bob?

Bob, I have a little advice for you.

Being we're at the MGM Grand in Vegas,
you ought to go out to the crap table,

bet your sense of humor on a hard eight,
and if you're lucky, you'll lose.

And Shelley Winters, huh?

What a privilege to have you here.

You were so lovely to me, darling.

Here's a girl that's taken home Oscars,
Tonys.

She'll go home with anybody.

You know, she was super in the Poseidon
Adventure. Did you see her?

What? Huh?

The special effects in that picture.

You know, I wonder how they ever got
that tub to turn over.

Not the boat, Shelly.

Alex Karras, so nice to see you here.

You know, Alex was more than just a
football star in Detroit, and that's

This year, as you all may know, General
Motors is using his body as a model for

the airbag.

Oh, you guys are something else.

I wish I knew what.

You know, we're really indebted to you
for your old laughing show.

It started so many trends, like the
trend to watch Howard Gassell on Monday

Night Football.

And what can I say about, uh... What's
his name again?

John Pickles.

John Pickles?

You know, he's had that impossible
dream.

How to keep a television show on the air
for more than 13 weeks.

Hey.

I'm Richard Jountry. Where are you?

I loved you as a chef.

It was a great show.

It was still beyond.

They hadn't put you opposite bowling for
dollars.

And Howard Cassette.

Howard and I worked together many years
ago.

And he's not a very nice man.

One night he borrowed my hair, and he
never returned it.

You know, I could go on and add in
fanatum, but none of you dummies know

that means anyway.

I would like to thank you. The remaining
members of the dais, you proved one

thing.

You've got guts. Oh, yeah.

You've got guts, and you confirmed it.

Billy, sing for us.

A perfect evening is one which brings
together wine, people, conversation, and

knowing in the recesses of my heart that
one underlying truth.

How did I ever get sucked into a dull
party like this?

Good night, everybody.