All language subtitles for Dean Martin Ronald Reagan (1973)

The Man of the Week!

Your Roastmaster, Dean Martin.

And tonight's very special Man of the
Week, the Governor of the State of

California, Honorable Ronald Reagan.

Wonderful.

Thank you.

When I first learned we were honoring
Governor Reagan tonight, first thing I

was call all his friends.

That didn't take too long.

Personally, I don't understand the man
we're honoring tonight.

For years, he was on TV as the host of
Death Valley Days, where every week he

worked with a team of mules.

From there, he stepped into something
soft.

Politics.

his picture career, he never made an X
-rated movie. His pictures were rated M.

You couldn't get in to see one unless
you were accompanied by a moron.

His movies were so bad, they were shown
at drive -outs.

There were a lot of your friends in Mars
who couldn't be here tonight.

However, they sent you tellers. I'd like
to read some of them now. The first one

is from the editor of Playgirl magazine.

Dear Governor Reagan,

We wonder if you would consider posing
nude for the centerfold of our next

issue. We feel that the American public
would love to see a politician who has

nothing to hide.

Finally, here's a telegram from the
president.

President Nixon, dear Governor Reagan, I
am sorry I couldn't come to your roast

tonight. Dean invited me, but I don't
trust anybody named Dean anymore.

Jackie Vernon.

Tonight I have, as a tribute to you,
compiled a series of slides depicting

highlights of your career.

Here you are doing your first bit part
in the movies.

Here's an actress showing the police the
part you bit.

Governor, here you are winning your
first gubernatorial race.

And here's the goob who came in second.

Finally, here you are during your last
campaign lending President Nixon your

support. And here's President Nixon
wearing it.

Thank you, Governor.

And good luck.

Thank you, General Phillips Gillard.

Governor Reagan has always been a
fabulous person. He started out as an

underweight, inexperienced, untalented
dishwasher in

Tampico, Illinois.

Unfortunately, he never lived up to this
early promise.

But he's been a terrific governor, and
I'll never forget. The last time Ronnie

ran for office, I saw a pregnant woman
wearing a campaign button that said,

Reagan's a man.

Ronnie, I want to thank you for one
thing.

If you ever get to be president, and I
think you may, and there's a depression,

Try not to have it at a bad time, like
when everybody's out of work.

When his limousine pulled up in front of
the studio tonight, a woman started

screaming, Ronald, he's here, it's
Ronald Reagan, he's here, the governor's

here. I thought Nancy would never shut
up.

I'm here to pay tribute to you as a man
you recently appointed to the state

Supreme Court.

We're very honored to have him here
tonight.

Justice Angelo Beducci.

I'm so glad to be here.

You're like one of my family.

Before continuing, may I offer my
condolences to the loved ones

of your opponent in the last election.

I understand he met with an unfortunate
accident tomorrow night at 8

o 'clock.

Thank you, Don Dollar.

Ladies and gentlemen, Mr. Pat Henry.

The last time I saw Sammy Davis...

Before

I start, Governor.

Would you like to confess anything?

You can talk into the flowers. They're
bugged.

But I admire everything this man has
done for the state of California.

And I say that because I live in New
York.

And when I was growing up in New York, I
had an uncle, Fungie, who loved to

vote.

Man, he'd be at the voting booths at two
in the morning and he'd vote.

And he'd vote. And he'd vote.

You could have used him.

He was such a beauty. I never figured
how you look at this man, have tears in

his eyes, and he said to me, oh, if I
was only a citizen, you'd really see

both.

And I hear all this talk about Governor
Ronald Reagan trying for the White House

in 76, but with all respect to you,
Governor, I must tell you, you're

your time.

How can you aspire to such a high
office?

You've never even had a good scandal
attached to your name.

No cheating, no lying, no boozing, no
bugging, no running around with wild

broads.

Who's going to trust a politician like
that?

My next guest is Mark Smith.

A young man who won seven gold medals in
last year's Olympics just got married,

Mark did. Instead of a honeymoon, he and
his bride swum upstream and spawned.

Ladies and gentlemen, a great athlete,
Mark Hope.

You know, Governor, you and I had very
similar careers.

You started out as an athlete, and so
did I.

And as a matter of fact, you became an
actor, and so did I.

Now, if it turns out that I can't act
either,

who would I talk to about becoming
governor?

Most people don't know, Mark wasn't
always Jewish, but he was out swimming

day and ran into a swordfish.

Ah,

this guy's great.

Jack Benny is here tonight on a
political mission. He's trying to get

governor to pass a new bill creating a
senior citizen's discount at massage

parlors.

I could say many things about Jack, but
that would only take time.

He can't stay long. He only put a penny
in the parking meter.

Mr. Jack Benny.

Ladies and gentlemen, I would like to
say that Greg Garrison, the producer of

this show, told me I only have four
minutes to talk.

Well, that's impossible.

I stare longer than that.

Now, as long as I only have four minutes
to speak,

I will devote my time to our guest of
honor, Governor Reagan.

I was going to say Governor Ronald
Reagan, but with four minutes.

Ronald Reagan has done a great job for
California, although in all fairness to

Pat Brown.

When Pat was governor, we didn't have
earthquakes.

Well, ladies and gentlemen, you may
remember that Governor Reagan appeared

last television show. It was called Jack
Benny's First Farewell Special.

And because we were such good friends,
the governor agreed to come on my show

for nothing.

And I accepted.

After all, what are friends for?

With only four minutes, I certainly
could not say all the wonderful things

Ronnie that I would like to. But I do
have an idea.

Check your local papers daily for my
next television special.

And if I am successful in making the
same deal with the governor,

I will continue this speech.

on my show.

Thanks.

Jack's been doing these functions for
years.

If you look closely at the painting of
The Last Supper, Jack is the third from

the left.

I always thought it would be interesting
to invite someone who knew the governor

when he was a young boy growing up in
Tampico, Illinois. So what we did was

locate the governor's first grade
elementary school teacher and we flew

from Illinois to be with us. Ladies and
gentlemen, honoring us with her presence

this evening, Miss Maude Frickett.

What a kiss -off that was.

Thank you, Mr. Martin, for bringing me
out on the bus.

I would imagine the other stars flew in
an airplane.

Being with Fred McMurray was a joy.

fabulous dinner this has been so far,
flowers and popcorn.

Ronnie, I don't know where to begin.
There's so much to say to you and

to know that, you know, back in Tampico,
I was 19

years old and you were about 12.

When I look at you and I think how gray
my hair is and how sandy yours is.

I would imagine you touch it just a
little, don't you, Ronnie?

What a joy you were.

You know Mr.

Hotchberger, you remember him?

He's dead.

You know, when you came to me and

said, Oh, Miss Frickert, I want to go to
college.

And I thought of all the great
universities that Ronnie could have gone

in the country we have.

And he chose Eureka.

Well,

we've done a lot of research on Governor
Reagan, and we found out something

about him that very few people know. You
see, Ronald Reagan has a twin brother,

and we brought him here tonight.

Would you all please welcome Donald
Reagan.

I always loved Ronnie. Yes, I did. Even
though he was the white sheep of the

family.

You might not believe that Ronnie and I
could be brothers. It was like this. We

were kids. We were naughty, right?

And one day, my dad was chasing us. He
wanted to spank us. He said, if I catch

you, I'm going to tan your hide.

Ronnie got away.

Ladies and gentlemen, please welcome the
First Lady of California, the lovely

and gracious Nancy Louise.

Thank you, Dean.

I really don't have anything to add to
what's already been said tonight.

I really don't think I could.

But it's a very proud and happy night
for me.

And so I just thought that I couldn't
let it go by without coming by and

a kiss to the man I love.

I don't know why if he did that, I was
going to vote for him again anyway.

Thank you, Mr. Reagan.

And now we come to Don Rickles.

You know, a lot of people wonder why Don
is so mean.

There's a reason for that.

You see, he's been that way ever since
he found out Eva Braun was two -timing

him.

of the last ten days of Rickles, Don
Rickles.

The greatest thing I can say to Governor
Reagan or Regan, whatever they call

you, what do they call you, Governor?

The greatest moment I remember in your
career was when you said to Pat O

the Gipper is dying.

thought it was a fish.

Now, the Gentile gentleman here had no
idea. A kipper.

That's a Jewish fish. Don't be dumb. I
hate a dumb guy.

He wouldn't be governor if my people
didn't go, okay.

There's always one dumb guy in the
audience.

And you're probably important. My luck,
you'll be the president of NBC.

Isn't this fun, Governor, huh?

Better than trying to hit Jess Unruh
with your car.

Those of you from all around the United
States, Jess Unruh is a great Democratic

candidate who opposed many things that
the governor did, and he's a great

politician, and the governor would be
the first to agree.

And that's what makes our country so
fantastic.

that we have different people, as I do.
I stand on a stage or on a lectern or I

stand here next to Dean Martin, one of
the great guys, and I say this from my

heart, Dean, you have a problem.

And the governor is the great politician
of all time. He laughs at anything. My

brother died.

I tell you out there, America, our

governor is dumb.

The show is off the air and the
governor's over the room with three guys

the state troopers. All right, Joe,
let's hear the joke about the governor.

Let's hear the one about him being dumb.
Let's go.

I don't know who you are in the middle,
but you're starting to get on my nerves.

There's one guy with a honk and it's
sucking up his lips.

about you, my dear friend and honorable
governor. And sir, we've never met

formally, as we've said before.

But I will never forget the stories I've
heard that you standing on the White

House lawn, throwing rocks at Richard
Nixon's window going, Dick!

Don't beg. Don't beg.

it up. Just stand on the lawn and say,
move out of there!

Is this confessable to you, Dean?

Dean Martin came from Youngstown, Ohio.
Is that right, Dean?

Steubenville. Why, that's better.

You, Governor, are a great man.

You can tell because you don't see many
governors with clip -on bow ties.

There are many people that are planted
around here to look like they enjoy

Dean Martin said to me when Governor
Reagan or Regan, whatever they call you,

don't care.

What do I care what they call you?
You're the governor, and if I got a

getting the chair, you better make that
phone call.

But I say this from my heart, Governor.
I met you once in the hallway at NBC, as

you remember.

And I'll never forget your words.

Get out of the way, kid.

I kid you, sir. You are a

politician. Black, white, Jew, Gentile.
We're all working for one cause.

To figure out how you became governor.

I want to say, Don, your speech ran
longer than your last series.

Ladies and gentlemen, the governor of
the state of California, Ronald Reagan.

Thank you very much, Bill.

I've listened to the entire show.

And the best thing I can do to show my
appreciation to all of you is to invoke

executive privilege. I refuse to release
the tape.

I know that you all realize without my
having to tell you that in the job I

now, you have to make a great many
decisions.

And let me just say about the decision I
made with regard to tonight.

With hindsight, to the best of my
recollection.

At this point in time, I really goofed.

It was the Dean Martin show over at Dave
Time Television with Sam Urban.

But when you imagine all these people,
Mark Spitz showing up all dried off.

My daughter is going to be so thrilled.

You've really had an impact.

I don't mind her swilling all that milk,
but now she's trying to grow a

mustache.

And I'm thrilled to have Jack Benny
here.

We've known each other since we were
both 39.

Jack's no tightwad. That, too, is part
of the act. On my last birthday, he gave

me a set of the Encyclopedia Britannica.

Paperback.

And then there are some men, there are
some men who achieve fame and go beyond

that to become veritable household
words.

Now, Don Rickles is such a man.

He has become a household word.

The kind they erase in X -rated movies.

I am happy to be here on the Dean Martin
Show. Dean and I have a lot in common.

About the same size, we both like
horses, like golf.

Of course, we both made a lot of movies.

Only difference is, I knew when to quit.

No, Dean's had a fabulous career.

Stop to think of it, vaudeville,
nightclubs, recordings, movies,

to think he won't even know it all
happened to him until he sobers up.

Well, enough of this. I'm honored,
grateful to all these wonderful people,

seriously, and grateful to you, ladies
and gentlemen.

I asked Nancy what I should say when I
came out here, and she told me to just

say something warm and gracious and sit
down.

So, gracious, wasn't it warm in here
tonight?