All language subtitles for Dean Martin Ralph Nader (1974)

The Dean Martin Celebrity Roast, coming
to you from the MGM Grand Hotel in the

entertainment capital of the world, Las
Vegas, Nevada.

Ladies and gentlemen, from the beautiful
Siegfeld Room, tonight's star -studded

roast has brought together some of the
world's greatest entertainers.

They've come from all over the world to
be here tonight, here in Las Vegas, in

person.

Your roast master, Dean Martin.

And tonight's very special man of the
week, Ralph Nader.

Thank you, and I better drink this
before Ralph Nader recalls it.

We're gathered here tonight. I sound
like Jessel. We're gathered here tonight

honor a man who pioneered safety
precautions for the consumer.

Ralph's motto has always been, better
safe than sorry, which explains why I

him coming out of a drugstore this
morning blushing.

we can thank for all the safety devices
in cars.

Even as a child, he was a safety nut.

When he was 10 months old, he insisted
on being potty trained with a seat belt.

Safety features in cars are important. I
even have an emergency belt in my car.

I keep a pint in my glove compartment.

And thanks to Mr. Nadar, next year's
cars are going to have another...

Safety feature, all the St. Christopher
statues will be wearing crash helmets.

Pollution doesn't bother me. I've been
polluted for years, so... And that's

another thing. Ralph Nader doesn't touch
liquor.

He only drinks milk. He believes milk
can do wonders for you. He's right. Look

what it did for Nixon.

Now, I'd like you to meet Mr. Jack.

Clugman, co -star of The Odd Couple.

Jack got some real good news today. ABC
tore up his old contract, and now he's

the only one on that network with a torn
contract.

Ladies and gentlemen, a beautiful guy
and a very fine pal, Mr. Jack Clugman.

Look at this man.

What an enormous face.

He's the only man in America I would buy
a used car from.

Let's see now, what is it? Maybe a
couple of things I can say about him.

Well, for instance, he is dull.

I'm sorry, he is dull. But it's not a
crime to be dull.

I mean, how many fun guys are there? You
count on your finger the funny guys.

There's Alan Ludden, Jack Palance, Lorne
Green.

I'm sure that you know.

And also, one other thing, you cannot
have fun Christmas shopping with this

He spends all his time in the complaint
department.

And also, let's see, one other thing,
he's very suspicious, he's wary.

Right now, on this day, he's the only
guy who's wearing a seatbelt.

And he's a bachelor, right? Lucky guy.

But that's because every time he gets
serious about a girl, he has her mother

recall her and correct her defects.

The truth is, though, that as everyone
knows, Ralph Nader has been a bastion

against unsafe automobiles. How often
automobile executives have said, throw

that... You

all

know our next guest.

She's actress Jane Withers, the star of
Under the...

Hollywood movies are now famous as TV's
Josephine Diploma.

And she's the only plumber I know that's
not employed by Nixon.

Ladies and gentlemen, the only actress
who can boast that her career went down

the drain, Miss Jane Goodall.

thrill when they asked me to come here.
You know, I had no idea it was going to

be such a really swell affair, otherwise
I'd have worn my formal coveralls.

You know, the ones with the plunger
neckline.

But Mr. Nader, honestly, really and
truly, I can truly appreciate the kind

letters and mail that you must receive,
because I don't know if they're anything

at all like the complaints that I get
from some of these marvelous housewives

and these dear little ladies that they
really think I'm a plumber, you know?

And, well, I want you to try some of
these that I brought tonight on your

okay? Now, here's one.

Dear Josephine, how do I turn off that
grip that drives me crazy all night?

So, I answered her, go to bed with a mud
pack.

Here's another one.

Dear Josephine, how can I get my child
to stop dropping his marbles down the

kitchen sink?

So I wrote back, tell him very nicely
that if he continues to do that, the

fairy will come and give him a fat lip.

This one I really love. Dear Josephine,
I just love this lady, I am planning a

large family gathering. Could you please
tell me how to fix a 20 -pound turkey?

I said, sure.

Next time, why don't you buy one that
isn't broken?

I have a little surprise for you. We've
flown in a gentleman who knows you

better than anyone else in the whole
world because he's been in your personal

employer for the past 10 years.

Ladies and gentlemen, Mr. Felipe
Martinez.

How are you?

Hey, Mr.

Dean.

It's a great pleasure to be on your
show. I got a lot of respect for anybody

make a million dollars a week in a coma.

I have been a houseboy for Mr. Rao for
the last 10 years.

I'm so happy to be on this show because
this is my first night off.

You know...

Without me, he would not be where he is
today, alive.

You don't know what I'm talking about.
I'll tell you why. You know, he tests a

lot of things.

I'm the tester.

You know how he found out the electric
carving knife was no good?

This way.

This was from the electric pencil
sharpener.

The hair was my own fault, man.

He told me a million times, put the
crash helmet on when you pull the chain

the bathroom.

I got to go out now and buy myself some
false teeth.

Tomorrow we taste the electric
toothbrush.

Now we come to Mr. Mort Sahl, a man who
is best known for his attacks on social

injustices.

Mr. Mort Sahl!

Thank you, Dean.

The man we're here to honor tonight was
born in Westport, Connecticut.

He's the first baby in history who was
slapped into life by the doctor.

which is normal medical form, and
immediately slapped the doctor back, as

recall.

Why did Ralph Nader become involved in
public life?

Well, as you know, he lives a Spartan
life himself.

He has a gray suit, and he has a blue
suit.

That's it.

Lives on $100 a week gross.

Lives in a rooming house in Washington,
D .C. Has a phone in the hall.

Towel at the end of the hall.

Personally grateful to Ralph. Because
before he came here, it was a terrible

country. We were drinking, cussing.

We resembled a western frontier town
with all the attendant vices.

And then he taught us to put on our
seatbelts, even when we're at home.

And he taught us that the milk in
Duluth, Minnesota has water in it. He

us against aging. He's trying to pass a
law against it now.

He told us there was air in our hot
dogs.

He told us there was mercury in our tuna
fish.

He told us there were rats in our
meatpacking plants.

He wants to repave Lake Erie.

If it weren't for

Ralph Nader, the Watergate Hotel would
not be equipped with a fire escape.

Ralph's latest victory was over
Allegheny Airlines when his reservation

bumped at the Pittsburgh airport, for
which the court awarded him $50 ,000.

been at that airport myself often. I
often sit up in the bar. I like to sit

upstairs there, have a couple of drinks,
you know, watch my plane take off.

Anyway...

We have something for everybody tonight.
Anyway, Ralph, we... I've reached

the nadir of my speech.

Thank you very much.

Thank you, Dean.

Everybody knows Ralph Nader as a
dedicated and crusading investigator.

But what's he like on a date?

I'm one girl who knows.

I went to dinner once with Ralph.

Let me tell you, it was an experience.

But I must say, he was considerate. He
let me choose the restaurant we'd

investigate.

We ended up at McDonald's, test
-weighing the half -pounder.

The girl that brought us our order told
us that it was her 19th birthday.

Guess what Ralph said?

Gee, for such low mileage, that body's
really been abused.

Over our french fries, though, I took
Ralph's hand and stared into his big

eyes and said, which one of my defects
really turned you on, honey?

But, you know, I don't think he heard
me. He was staring into my Big Mac

for a faulty pickle.

See, she talks like I do. Ain't nothing
wrong with that. You know, as you know,

I'm man of the week.

Ralph Nader has been very...

critical of the present administration,
but in line with federal broadcast

standards, we must grant equal time to
those with opposing views.

Even though... Even though it's only...
Even though... So, ladies and

gentlemen... Everybody would say
gentlemen.

Ladies and gentlemen, straight from
Washington, D .C., where he canceled an

appearance to be here.

And before the Senate Investigating
Committee, one of America's great stand

storytellers, Richard I.

Don't try to make up to me.

I heard you all outside my house honking
your horns for impeachment.

Well, let me say this about that.

Something's going to be done about all
you people.

And let me say this about you, Mr.
Nader.

You're doing a rotten job for the
consumer.

I bought a tape recorder, and you
approved it.

Another damn thing didn't work.

Three very important... You know,

Ralph, Ralph

has

asked repeatedly where those missing
tapes are.

That's a very good question.

Are there any more very good questions?

I'll be frank.

I don't know what happened to those
missing tapes.

The last time I saw them was when Yule
Gibbons came to dinner.

As I recall, he said they reminded

him of the taste of wild hickory nuts.

Is he laughing? Is he laughing?

But I'm determined to ferret out the
truth. So I have appointed a new, hard

-hitting, impartial special assistant to
investigate the whole Watergate mess.

Believe me, if anyone can get to the
bottom of this, it's David Eisenhower.

Well, let's be fair.

talk about what I've been doing for the
country.

I've driven prices down.

Especially in the stock market.

Now even poor people can afford to buy
IBM.

And when industry came and asked me to
choose between using high polluting

and authorizing the building of a
pipeline, many congressmen suggested I

the pipe.

One of the reasons I've recommended to

return to daylight saving time is that
I've been working 16, 18

hours a day myself, and I think I've
kept America in the dark long enough.

let me say this about that.

I refuse to turn my back on a job I'm
best qualified for.

Selling.

I don't know the meaning of the word
quit.

That's one of my problems.

And when things get tough, I turn my
eyes upward for help toward that

source of wisdom and power, B .B.
Robosa.

I say that things in America are
wonderful.

They've never been better. And if we all
pull together, maybe they won't get

worse.

Ladies and gentlemen, here on one of his
rare house calls, Mr. James Boland.

Well, thank you, Dean.

Ralph vowed that he would single
-handedly bring the automobile

their knees.

And he has.

They're down there right now praying
he'll get hit by a truck.

Now, Ralph has had so much success in
getting the defective autos recalled

he's started to expand his efforts. You
see, he's found out that a lot of people

have the same sort of defects that cars
have, and so he's trying to get them

recalled, too.

For instance, he wants to have the whole
White House staff recalled.

Well, he claims that they've all got
screws loose.

You know?

He had Phyllis Diller recalled for
faulty end alignment.

You know?

And Marlon Brando for appearing in The
Last Tango without wearing a seat cover.

He even had Aristotle Onassis recalled.

Jackie was complaining that he was
always running out of gas.

We Americans should be grateful to Ralph
Nader.

He's always looking for faults.

He's always complaining.

This won't work.

That's wrong.

Send it back. It's too dangerous.

Well, may I tell you something, Mr.
Nader, that if you ever get tired of

crusader, You can always get a job as a
mother -in -law.

Before we go any farther, Ralph, many of
your friends and admirers couldn't be

here tonight, but they sent some wires
and more. I'd sure like to read them to

you. First, here's one from Attorney
General John Mitchell. Dear Mr. Nader,

I'm following your advice and no longer
driving my unsafe car. I got rid of it.

I gave it to Martha.

Ladies and gentlemen, the loveliest, the
prettiest, and I love her very much,

the truly great comedian, Miss Ruth
Buzz.

tonight as Gladys Ormsby, the
international sex symbol, but as a

-blooded female consumer.

And it's true that we girls are
frustrated by the energy crisis.

All the gentlemen I date seem to have
that problem.

All these days, it seems to me that
everything that's supposed to stick

comes apart, and everything that's
supposed to come apart sticks together.

And I've got two words for the National
Association. Association of

Manufacturers, how come?

How come the cereal, which is supposed
to be so good for the kids, is supposed

to be so bad?

Mr. Jackie Gale.

How do you follow that?

It's a great day as they got for you,
Ralph.

This side looked like they came in a
Volkswagen camper.

But it's really nice. You know, you do a
lot of investigating. You want to

investigate something important. Why
don't you investigate his singing?

People don't know this man was
considered a... a presidential

last Democratic convention.

But he held out for King.

I'd love to see him in that gray suit.
He's been wearing this suit for two

years. Two years, the same funky suit.

If he's going out formally, rinse a
crease.

I mean, this man, I'm telling you
something, if this man was around in the

days of this country, we'd have no
progress.

He would have told Benjamin Franklin the
kite wasn't safe.

Eli Whitney, the cotton gin wasn't
fireproof and John Hancock's pen leaked.

And Ruth Buzzy looked great. She came
here right from trick -and -treating.

I knew she was here when I saw the broom
in the parking lot.

You look great, Ruth. They must have a
hell of a special effects department

at NBC.

But this is a great woman. She gave up a
promising career as a housewife to keep

Ronan Martin in the business.

And Jack Klugman's there. I wonder what
your name was before you changed it.

And I happen to like your show, and it's
going to outlast Colucci's department.

I hear your rating picked up. Two ABC
ushers tuned in.

And my boy Mort Sully is one of the
greatest iconoclasts we have in our

business. He still thinks it's 1960,
hangs around corners in Berkeley

for riots.

He sold out, you put on a tuck, because
the Mobs got a sweater.

Mort didn't notice. They wanted him on
This Is Your Life, but he couldn't find

anybody to stand behind the curtain.

That's a wonderful man.

Surprise, the man you're raging, you're
not married. You better watch out,

they'll investigate you.

But the man is nice. I'm telling you, I
kid this man, but he's a great man, and

I've known him a long time. Let me say,
I got to the studio at 3 .30.

I think it was at quarter to four, but
it's been a pleasure because I think the

world of him. Thank you very much.

They're wonderful, Jackie.

Well, tonight, Ralph, we're pleased to
have with us one of your top assistants.

You've given him the job of test driving
all the new automobiles to see if

they're safe for consumers.

Would you all please welcome one of
NATO's chief raiders, Mr. Foster Brooks.

Thank you, Madam Chairman.

Are you Ralph Ralphie?

Yes, yes.

Yes, friends, that is my job. My job.

To test drive all new vehicles.

All new vehicles.

in the interest of safety.

You know, you wouldn't believe how
some... how some... how unsafe

some automobile cars are today.

I drove seven different cars today and
they all smashed up.

one car today, and even the clock didn't
work.

It only had one hand on it, and it kept
pointing to 130.

And the turn signals were busted, too.

The left one worked okay, but every time
I switched on the right one, the darn

car went backwards.

The only thing I could get to work with
was the lights.

pedestrian. On the way over here, one
old lady walked right in front, right in

front of my car.

I had to swerve right off the sidewalk
to keep from hitting her.

Many drivers have written to us asking,
where'd you save her?

Where'd you save her?

The automatic transmission or the
standard transmission.

Personally, I don't care for the
standard transmission.

I mean, you've got the gas pedal for the
right foot and the clutch pedal for the

left foot.

Now, how do you expect me to work the
pedal in the middle?

Ask me what I thought, what I think of
SCP.

Of what I think of SCP.

SCP.

I think it's delicious.

and gentlemen, it's time to present the
man who's devoting all his time and

energy to the benefit of every American,
our man of the week, Mr. Ralph

Nader.

Well, well, well.

It's hard to comment on a performance by
our friends tonight, but one thing is

sure. They've shown how quickly the
overprivileged can become

Thank you, Dean. I was warmed by your
eulogy tonight.

More than warmed, I was burned up.

You ought to throw the script away.
It'll help the energy crisis.

It's reassuring to know that in these
times of so -called fuel shortages,

some of you gentlemen all had the
foresight to come here already tanked up

gassed.

This is really an outstanding group of
performers.

Consider, for example, as a singer, Dean
ranks...

with Frank Sinatra as a satirist. Mark
Saul ranks with Will

Rogers.

In fact, this is one of the rankest
groups ever assembled.

As a person involved in product
evaluation,

I'm used to analyzing things and
corporations.

And I think I can state unequivocally
that this group is badly in need of

analysis, consumer style.

And breaking them down, I would say that
they're about 50 % adulterated water,

20 % brass, 2 % insolence, and the rest
is hamburger helper.

Yeah, it's been a lot of fun tonight. I
want to thank my wonderful guests for

being here, and I especially wanted to
thank Mr. Ralph Nader.

He really fights injustices, and he's an
honest man.

You know that speech he made tonight?

He's having it recalled.

All right, everybody, I'm on my way
home. Gavin, warm up the hot chocolate.