All language subtitles for Dean Martin Michael Landon (1984)

The Dean Martin Celebrity Roast, coming
to you from the MGM Grand Hotel in the

entertainment capital of the world, Las
Vegas, Nevada.

Ladies and gentlemen, from the beautiful
Ziegfeld Room, tonight's star -studded

roast has brought together some of the
world's greatest entertainers. They've

come from all over the world to be here
tonight.

here in Las Vegas, in person, joining
Dean Martin as he honors tonight's very

special man of the year, Michael Landon.

With tonight's guests, Merlin Olsen,
Brian Keith,

Don Rickles, Melissa Gilbert, Rip
Riddle, Dick

Butkus, Lauren Green,

Bubba Smith, Maureen Murphy, Vic
Payback, Pat Harrington

Jr., Dick Strong, Orson Welles, Norm
Cosby,

Flappy White, and your Ghost Master,
Dean Martin.

With tonight's Man of the Year, Michael
Landon.

Tonight, we're all gathered at the
beautiful MGM Hotel in Las Vegas to

of the most distinguished, respected,
and talented men of our profession, Mr.

Michael Landon.

I don't know about you, but I was almost
late getting here.

Do you know how tough it is trying to
find a parking spot in the lobby?

I'm going to try to move this thing
right along.

A little while ago, I had a margarita
sent up to my room, and she won't wait

night.

My guest of honor is me.

a credit to television.

His shows are wholesome family
entertainment.

There's no nudity or sex on his shows.

Now, sex on television is not the same
as sex in real life. In real life, you

don't have to stop for a commercial.

All of Mike's shows reflect his
upbringing.

He was a good little kid.

square side, but he was a good little
kid.

Like on Halloween, other kids would go
trick -or -treating dressed like

Frankenstein. Michael used to get
dressed as an insurance salesman.

Mr. Rich Little.

Michael,

You've done a lot of series over the
years.

But the one that I remember the best,
Bonanza, right?

Right.

I used to watch it as a kid, you know,
every single episode.

Do you know that I'm an authority on
Bonanza?

For instance, I'll bet you didn't know
that Michael Landon, Dan Blocker,

Roberts and Lorne Green were not the
first choices for Bonanza.

They had other people in mind before
them and couldn't get them.

For instance, do you know who they
originally wanted to play the part of

Cartwright?

Ronald Reagan.

Ronnie Cartwright.

Could you picture Ronald Reagan as Ben
Cartwright?

Well, boys, there's been some complaint
about how I'm

running the Ponderosa.

Little Joe says that I'm spending too
much.

Hoss says that I'm having trouble
balancing the budget.

And Adam says that our deficit is too
high.

Well, I don't agree with them.

I'm doing a good job running the
Ponderosa.

Now, let me explain how my program
works.

Now, the part of Adam Cartwright went to

Pernell Rodgers, right? You know who
they originally wanted?

Don Rickles.

Did you know that Don did the first
three episodes of Bonanza before he

Don Rickles as Adam Cartwright.

Come

on.

I want off this cockamamie show.

The part of little Joe.

They originally wanted Jack Nicholson.

Pa.

I gotta tell you, man. I gotta tell you.

The problem is, Pa, that I'm carrying
this show.

You and those other two bozos aren't
doing a damn thing, you know what I

All you do every week is come on at the
beginning, tell me there's a problem

over in Carson City.

I ride over there, solve the problem,
then 50 minutes later, ride back, you

how did it go? I say, fine, you grab
your 40 thou and the show is over.

Well, if you're looking for some kind of
laughs, I'll tell you about some

laughs.

Have you ever seen Cary Grant sneeze?

For a lot of years

on that hit series, One Day at a Time,
we've been laughing out loud at the

genius of Pat Harrington Jr.

In his role as Schneider, the super of
his building, he unclogged so many

drains, when the show ended, they gave
him a golden plunger.

Mr. Pat Harrington, Jr.

question before us tonight is very
simple why are we roasting this man I

his show is a hit the ratings are up the
networks love him and now he works for

God any network executive who tries to
cancel his show is going to find out

roasting is really all about Michael

here just got

steady work as an angel I just lost
steady work as a janitor

He went right up to heaven.

I went right down the drain.

A lot of people say Michael is a lucky
guy, but if you've been wowing them for

25 years and the audience keeps asking
for more, then you can forget about

That's talent.

That's charm.

That's Michael Landon.

Here's the beef.

Ladies and gentlemen, Dick Butkus.

And Bubba Smith.

Thank you, Dean.

The size of these guys, you know.

He's 6 '12", I think.

By the way, I saw that beer commercial
you two did. Do you guys really enjoy

opera? We sure do.

My favorite is Rigoletto.

That's mine, especially with little
spaghetti and meatballs on the side. I

it. Yeah, and I like the Barber of
Seville.

So do I, but I ain't going to go all the
way to Spain just for a haircut.

I'd rather quit while I'm behind.

Dick,

would you like to initiate or commence
our portion of the show?

No, but I'll begin if you like.

Probably a lot of you are wondering why
2X football players who've never met our

guest of honor are here.

Why are we here?

I guess they wanted someone on the desk
with a little class and culture. Yeah, I

guess so.

You got it.

They think us football players are, you
know, animals who don't know about

intellectual things like the fact that
it took Michelangelo two years to paint

the ceiling of the Sistine Chapel.

Could have done it in two weeks if he
had used a roller. Well.

Let's get to our tribute, Bubba. Why
don't you say some nice things about

Michael?

Michael, our people in the ghetto.

Just love you because you are the king
of rock and roll.

Excuse me.

You have that number one album,
Thriller.

And everyone just loved it when you put
on that one glove with the sequin.

No, no, no.

No, no, no.

No, but you're thinking Michael Jackson.
This is Michael Landon.

I thought he looked a little pale.

Hey, man, you laugh at us one more time
and you're going to be drinking

AstroTurf.

We're here tonight to honor Michael
because as athletes ourselves, we

that he was a big track star in high
school. That's right. I bet a lot of you

people didn't know this, but in 1954,
Michael threw the javelin 211 feet and

turned into a national champ.

And in that same year, by mistake, he
threw the javelin at the coach and

him into a soprano.

But the real reason we're here to admire
Michael is because his living on the

Ponderosa and in that little house on
the prairie all those years has helped

perpetuate the pioneer spirit of our
forefathers.

Don't forget our foremothers.

Of course not. Without our four mothers
and our four fathers, we wouldn't have

four children.

Hey, come on. Hey, man, you're really
deep.

Anyway, man, we keep on acting and
producing and making good films like

in the Stone.

That's Michael Douglas. Like I told you
before, this is Michael Landon.

They all look alike to me.

Ladies and gentlemen, my most unique
talent, Mr.

Dick Shawn.

Thank you, Mr. Martin.

Michael.

I've never stood this close to an angel
before.

I've stood next to the devil.

But it's a strange feeling to be in the
middle here, honoring a guy who

represents so much to us all.

In show business, in life, people who
raise families.

And that's why it's difficult tonight to
roast this man, because he's a good

person. In fact, everything said
tonight, so far, can be said again at

funeral.

You cannot roast a man like this. You
roast people like Don Rickles because

mean.

Because we're built like a pig.

Whereas Gene Martin is a true legend and
attractive.

And not only a legend to us and the
world.

A legend of the medical profession.

There's the one thing I've known Michael
Lander twice.

I met him an hour ago and now.

So I understand the man.

I really don't know his personal life.
I'm not interested in his personal life.

His life and your visions of his life
came over in the tube. We remember him

a child, growing up, becoming a man,
accepting responsibility in this world.

I have no idea what I'm talking about
right now.

He became an actor.

He became an actor and became this
wonderful, humble kid that we followed

through. He had a wonderful life. He
grew up the right way. He found basic

values. His brothers, a father, taught
him the American way of life for 14

years. And then the father left,
disgraced the family,

started selling food to dogs.

Little Joe couldn't go back to school.

You're so embarrassed my father sells
dog food.

Then they realized they weren't stealing
the horses. He was rounding them up for

the dog.

I guess what I'm trying to say is, like
everyone else here, we're trying to give

as much love as we can to this man and
to this man.

What an incredible human being it would
be if the two of these guys were

combined into one person.

If both of them, they'd be split up in
two.

What are they going to do?

One of them cheats, the other is true.

One of them drinks, the other true blue.

One of them says, go to bed early. The
other one says, with who?

Ladies and gentlemen, here's the best
there is at what he does, Merlin Holt.

Thank you very much.

Thank you. It's always a real pleasure
for me to see you.

And Michael, an honor to be here. And
not only do I have the greatest respect

for your talent, but you've been such a
help to me in my career.

I'm just I'm proud to have you for a
friend.

So when Dean called, of course I said,
yes, I'd be glad to be here. And now,

unlike some of the other members of the
dais, I didn't have a lot of time to

prepare. You see, Dean only called me a
couple of hours ago, but he had a very

good reason for doing that. You see, Bob
Hope couldn't make it.

It's true. It's true. So on very short
notice, here I am. And there is one

problem. You see.

They gave me Bob Hope's speech, and I'm
afraid that's going to be a real

challenge. But, well, here goes.

This is Merlin. It's great to be here at
the MGM Grand Olsen.

How about this kid, Michael Landon? He's
beautiful, isn't he? But a little bit

square, you know. When he's listening to
his Lawrence Welk records, he's almost

shouting, one more time.

Not all this sex on television.

You know, the other night I tuned in
Night Court, and here was this judge

wearing a see -through robe.

And this violence on TV is really
something, isn't it?

Last night I saw three cars explode,
five muggings, and three shootouts. And

that was just on Sermonette.

Baseball's getting more violent, too.
And how about those New York Yankees?

about them, Dean?

The other day I saw a guy get picked off
first base by a sniper.

Hey, Michael.

It's great to be here with you, and this
is a night I'll never forget.

Good night, Dean, and good night,
Merlin.

has been a father figure to Mike Landon
on and off the screen for many, many

years. I've known Lauren for a long
time. I don't know how old he is, but

he was born, the heavyweight champion of
the world was white.

Ladies and gentlemen, Lauren Green.

Dean, I can't tell you how pleased I am
to be here.

Well, tell me anyhow.

I'm very pleased to be here.

And I must tell you that the people of
the MGM Grand really have gone out of

their way to make things very
comfortable for me.

They gave me a beautiful suite.

And not only that, they allowed me to
keep my dog in the suite.

Yeah, I saw you up here at the bar last
night.

It's always nice to see my, I don't know
what to call him, my pal, my friend, my

co -worker.

Ever since we were together on Bonanza,
he's been like a real son to me.

And if he minds his manners and behaves
himself tonight, I'm going to let him

stay up and watch the Johnny Carson
show.

On Bonanza, he always wanted to clean up
the town.

On the little shack, little house in the
prairie.

He spent every waking moment trying to
clean up the town.

Big deal.

I'd like to see him go over to a show
like Dynasty and clean that up.

You know, when little Joe was born in
the Ponderosa, I remember we thought of

him as having been sent down from
heaven.

Like a baby angel from above.

And now he believes it.

However, I still question your ability
to work miracles.

If you want to make me believe, really
believe in your powers, you come over to

my house next Sunday. I have 20 ,000
cans of Alpo in the deep freezer.

And your task is to turn them all into
caviar.

Ladies and gentlemen, my pal, Mr. Norm
Crosby.

Thank you very much.

You know, despite the jocularity and the
misconscrued laudables that you're

going to hear about our guest of honor,
Michael Landon has always portrayed a

hero.

A man who was virile and masculine and
circumventive.

The type of rugged pioneer hero that we
all need to look up to for insulation

and crotchiality.

And how ironic that we should have this
roast here in Las Vegas, which is

probably the most concrete example of
man's pioneering spirit in America

Look where we are.

Take a moment, walk out on the sidewalk,
and look bisexually around this time.

The party nears who came here. Men like
Michael Landon and Dick Butkus and Bubba

Smith.

We need heroes.

Scandals and things that are going on.

Doesn't it make you feel better to know
that we have a man in the White House

who is physically incapable of a sexual
scandal?

around think of the western hero colonel
william b cody who devoted his entire

life to hunting for buffalo because he
was a moron to go to albany on the new

york freeway buffalo you can't miss it
we

need to think people don't think no more
we're becoming robots i mean that we

really need heroes to make us think
we're numbers

You've got zip codes and area codes and
social security numbers. You've got a

pocket full of plastic credit cards with
numbers, right?

I guarantee you, in a couple of years,
there will be no names. Nobody will have

names. Everybody will have a number.

Then when you go in the bakery, you have
to take a name.

Think about the Michael Landons. Look at
Michael Landon and think about the

little houses on the prairies.

And walk out there on the desert and
look up at the sky and think.

Think. Where do the clouds go when they
drift away? Think about that.

Why is grass green?

Why do nudists always play volleyball?

Think about that.

Think.

What if Khrushchev had been assassinated
instead of President Kennedy?

Do you think that Aristotle and Assis
would have married Mrs.

Khrushchev?

Realize, friends, when you go to court
in front of a jury, that you are putting

your fate in the hands of 12 people who
weren't smart enough to get out of jury

duty.

Thank you, Michael.

Here's the lovely young lady who was
Michael's radiant young co -star all

years on Little House on the Prairie.

Pretty Miss Melissa Gilbert.

To you

young people watching.

For a long time, it's been clear to
Michael that a crusade against the

dragon of drug abuse is one of the
highest priorities in our country.

He personally felt the pain of
witnessing one of his own children in a

struggle against chemical dependency.

It was then that he threw himself
wholeheartedly into a real -life role,

one as an all -out activist against this
pervasive evil.

That battle reaches all the way up to
the White House and our First Lady,

Reagan. I have seen Michael work with
teenagers constantly.

He warns them of the hazards of drugs.

Sometimes they don't listen.

But he keeps trying.

God knows he tries.

And he feels that as long as his vision
is alive in one teenager's heart, he

hasn't failed.

I love you.

Please welcome our very talented
performer, Mr. Vic Haylock.

I'm glad that I was invited.

You know, doing Alice all these years,
it's just nice to get out of the

No, I mean, you visit with a lot of old
friends, like Dick Butkus and Bubba

Smith. Last night, we were in a hotel
lobby together, and everybody asked for

their autograph.

Me?

They asked for recipes.

I've got to say hello to a real dear old
friend of mine, Lorne Green.

Lorne's whole life has gone to the dogs.

He even puts newspapers under his hush
puppies.

Oh, by the way, Don, when you were on
foul -ups, bleeps, and blunders,

I never missed one of your shows.

God knows I tried.

Mike, all the luck in the world on
Highway to Heaven.

And if you happen to drop by Mel's
Diner, there will be a piece of angel

cake waiting for you.

A half price.

Let's meet that little wonder from down
under, Miss Maureen Murphy.

I think that you should be the next
actor to run for president.

Because we need an angel in the White
House.

Even President Reagan takes his orders
from a higher power, Nancy.

She has such confidence in her husband
that when he won the second election,

was so filled with emotion, she almost
blinked.

That, you know, I want to be like you.

I really do. I would like to be like
you.

And women can be like men now if they
want to. They can. And vice versa.

I went out with a man and he acted very
feminine. You know, he dimmed the lights

and poured the wine. I acted real
masculine.

I took off all my clothes except my
socks and lay on the bed and started

snoring.

But in my life, the perfect man has a
nice face.

A good body, and he's a doll.

And can be deflated and put in a drawer
when you're finished with him.

And I thought, because I never met
anyone like you, and I thought if I

an Australian, it might make me old
before my time. Women worry about that.

mean, I asked Mrs. Don Rickles once,
when she first started to notice old

She said she woke up one morning and saw
it lying beside her.

A real angel with women. A real
gentleman.

And I didn't have any luck like that.
Because in Australia, you see, a bloke

will take you out to dinner.

And if you don't fool around, he won't
ask you out again.

I mean, it's different in America.

Here, you don't get dinner.

And you know what's really exciting for
me is to be here and meet Bubba Smith

and Dick. butt kiss.

I'm very attracted to football players,
you know.

Because I went out with one once and he
could do push -ups with one hand because

he needed the other hand to count.

And one more thing, if you don't mind me
saying so, because I saw you on the

Tonight Show with Johnny Carson.

And you said that the reason that you
let your hair grow long and everything

like that is because you want to cover
your ears up. Because you're ashamed of

them. Because they're real big.

And you shouldn't be ashamed of your
ears. You should let them stick right

Because a woman loves a man with big
ears.

It gives her something to hang on to.

awesome world thank you once

upon a time when concepts such as

microchips satellite dishes and digital
readouts

were still dancing in the heads of our
scientific thinkers there was a

relatively simple form of home
entertainment

Radio.

This, of course, was in the pre
-television, paleolithic period that the

archaeologists refer to as B .C., before
Carson.

And when radio was the reigning monarch
in our living rooms, one of its happiest

gifts to us was the sparkling humor of
the great Fred Allen show. And I

when old Titus Moody...

That Cracker Barrel Socrates, who was
one of Fred's more curiously eloquent

inventions, defined television thusly.

Well, he said, I don't hold much with
furniture

that lights up and smiles at you.

Well, that smiling, leering.

yelling piece of furniture has been
dominating our lives ever since. It's

brought us boredom, banality, and worse,
violence.

But this still very young man has
throughout his career made a valiant

reverse that tide. And he's doing it
again at a time when the most cherished

staples of TV entertainment are crime
and car crashes.

Here's a courageous fellow daring to go
against the grain by portraying an angel

who performs acts of kindness and
charity.

Kindness and charity?

What a wild notion.

Are we really ready for anything that
radical, that revolutionary?

And we're prepared to give up our
beloved karate kicks to the groin,

helicopters, and the mating sound of two
pickup trucks colliding?

Let's devoutly hope that we are, and
that there's still a place on the tube

Michael's kind of programming with its
emphasis on real human values.

In a world where all things frightful
are beamed straight into our homes the

instant they happen, we need Michael's
weekly injection of goodness and decency

as desperately as the diabetic needs his
insulin.

Ladies and gentlemen, my pal, Slappy
White.

Every time Dean had a roast show, he
always called me to come up to be on the

show because I'm the only one up here
who know where to find barbecue ribs at

o 'clock in the morning.

And what about this hotel, Hans? Grand
Hotel, MGM Grand.

The towels are so big and fluffy, you
can hardly close your suitcase.

I would just stand in the men's room and
make $8 worth of change.

Landon said to me, he said, Slappy, the
town has about 100 ,000 people here this

week, and we're a little short on rooms.
You have to room with Bubba Smith.

So Dick said, Slappy, I used to room
with Bubba.

He'll keep you awake all night with his
snoring.

I said, I don't care how loud Bubba
Smith snores, he's not going to keep me

awake. So I come out the shower, Bubba
laying over in the bed, and I walked

and kissed him right in the mouth.

He stood up all night watching me sleep.

People from L .A., if you're going to
drive back to Los Angeles tomorrow, the

best time to get in L .A. is 9 o 'clock
in the morning.

By that time in the morning, the Jews
are in Palm Springs, the Catholics are

church, the blacks are in jail, and the
Mexicans can't get their car started.

blackjack last night, a big black guy
was dealing the cards like this. Now it

was three black guys here, I was here,
two black guys here, and Michael landed

on the end. Michael gets blackjacked and
was scared to say it.

He don't say, what you got? He say, gin.

remember him from his hit series, Family
Affair, and now he's starring as that

crusty old judge in his new show,
Hardcastle and McCormick, ladies and

gentlemen, Mr. Brian King.

Ah, thank you, Dean. I can't tell you
what a pleasure and an honor it is.

To have been asked here tonight to pay
tribute to a man I admire so greatly.

Mike, I love your new show.

Highway to Heaven. And I think we'll all
agree that

Mike is a very classy guy. But you know,
with Lorne Green, who first exposed him

to the finer things in life, Lorne
taught him the proper wine to go with

alcohol.

You people might not know this, but when
Mike filmed the shows out on the

prairie, there were no modern
conveniences. There was no hot water, no

electricity.

But he managed. When he wanted to blow
dry his hair, he'd take his head out the

window and wait for a tornado.

Michael always managed to bring along a
carload of hairspray.

And if you watch the reruns, you'll
notice that his hair is always hard as a

rock.

One of the episodes, he was captured by
Indians and they had to scalp him with

power tools.

I also hope that someday you'll ask me
to do a guest appearance on Highway to

Heaven. I mean, I'm expensive, but I'm
beautiful.

I'd like that very much. But first, to
be perfectly frank, I'd like to get a

guest shot on Dynasty.

It's not that I don't like sharing a bit
of heaven with you, but I would rather

raise a little hell with Joan Collins.

You

know, a lot of

people say that Don Rickles is vicious,
rotten, and evil.

But to those of us who love him, It's
just the other way around. He's evil,

rotten, and vicious.

Mr. Don Rickles.

We're going to tell you all about this
tomorrow.

And Vic Tabak, you shouldn't have come.

You made a fool of yourself. I'm a
friend.

And Bubba, with a few almonds on your
face, we got candy.

I'm only kidding you, Bubba. The black
people belong in this country.

When the show is over, clean up these
tables.

Is he laughing? See if you see teeth
coming towards me.

At Melissa, I happen to know you're 41.

You're a marvelous young actress. I wish
you luck. I know what Michael paid you.

Her and her mother are living in two
rooms in the valley going...

Failure. Anyway.

And of course, Brian Keith, you're a
great actor we've never met before. Now

that I see you up close, you're old.

Pat Harrington, if that broad dies on
the show, your career could skyrocket.

You are a wonderful Irishman. Your
people live on beer and parades.

And of course, Maureen, there's not much
I can say about you. Are you single?

Yes, well, I'm happily married, but my
wife is ill.

Of course, Lorne, God bless you and your
wonderful career. There's so much

happening for you.

Of course, Rich Little, once you find
out who you are, your career can go

many places.

You never could do a Clark Gable like
me. I want to tell you, baby, we're in a

lot of trouble. The men are tired.

Dive, dive, dive.

I was trying to make a living out of
doing other people.

And of course, the great Dean Martin,
you and I know it's over for you, but

seriously though, Michael, I've seen you
on the shows with Wagons West, Wagons

West.

You're a marvelous actor.

You've told me that many, many times
when we met.

You're a laid -back guy. You have a
wonderful family.

And I love the way you make love. He's
great. I go over his house, he takes a

wet whip and goes, Just like it's a
wagon train going west.

You've got to make love like the Jews.
Surely you thought I'm going to get a

paper.

Thank you, Michael, really, with all the
nonsense. You're a tremendous artist.

I've never had the pleasure to work for
you. I'm not making plans along those

lines.

My career is going fine and you're not
going to slow it up.

Good luck to you.

You know,

it's not the worst passing in the world
to have Michael Landon playing the part

of your friendly neighborhood angel.

In fact.

It's perfect casting because that's the
way he is in real life.

Michael has always reached out to people
in need. His commitment to the anti

-drug campaign, his efforts for all
kinds of humanitarian charities,

that caring quality seems to be
reflected in all the parts Michael's

associated with.

There's been some talk that America's
taste is changing.

It's swinging back toward the
traditional.

Well, if it is, Michael doesn't have to
change one bit.

He's been there for 25 years.

Michael, I guess if I had to boil it
down to one sentence, it would be

this. America cares for you as much as
you care for her.

Ladies and gentlemen, Michael Landon.

Indeed, I want to thank you very, very
much for the heartfelt words.

It's also a pleasure to be with a guy
who I have admired for many, many years

from the beginning of my career. A guy
who was very good to me in the beginning

when I would do some songs and dances on
his show.

Dean has made all of us laugh for God
knows how many years in this business.

And he's a joy and a wonderful guy to be
with.

Brian Keith, a buddy of mine.

A terrific guy.

Brian, the things you said about me I
know were for laughs.

And I just wish he would have gotten
one.

sometime. Lauren, I'm not going to make
any jokes about Lauren.

You could see tonight that there just
isn't anything funny.

Lauren and I have known each other for
an awful lot of years, and on all the

years that Bonanza was on, he did treat
me like a son, and the show is off now,

Lauren, and I would appreciate it if you
would stop taking me off your income

tax as a deduction.

I'd also like to thank one of the real
giants in this business for a very nice

tribute that he paid to me.

Mr. Orson Welles, a man I've idolized
for years. Orson, I want to thank you

much.

Well, I hope you had a lot of fun
tonight.

We've had a lot of zingers, not just at
me, but everybody else here on the dais.

It's been fun for me. I think it's kind
of good that we can look at ourselves

and laugh a little bit, not take
ourselves too seriously.

Do that with everybody you know. Have
some fun with people.

Enjoy your fellow man.

Do something nice for him. God bless
you.