All language subtitles for Dean Martin Joe Garagiola

The Dean Martin Celebrity Roast, coming
to you from the MGM Grand Hotel in the

entertainment capital of the world, Las
Vegas, Nevada.

The glittering city of excitement and
laughter provides the scintillating

backdrop for tonight's star -studded
roast.

Ladies and gentlemen, from the Ziegfeld
Room of the Grand Hotel, some of the

world's greatest entertainers are here
tonight.

They are in Las Vegas in person.

As Dean Martin honors our man of the
hour, Joe Gargiola, with tonight's

Yogi Berra, Mickey Mantle,

Gabe Kaplan, Shirley Jones,

Hank Aaron,

Dan Husell, Luis Pina, Red Button,

Carl Finley, Paulie Wells, Jack Carter.

John Crosby, Foster Cook, Nipsey
Russell, Willie Ray,

Orson Welles, Pat Henry, and your roast
master, Dean Martin, with tonight's very

special man of the hour, Joe Cangiola.

This evening is a little different than
usual roasts because most of the people

on the dais are not in show business.

Willie Mays, Mickey Mantle, Jack Carter.

Joe Garagiola, the man we're honoring,
is a big leaguer in every sense of the

word. Joe is an inspiration to young
athletes all over America.

I've never seen this man with a drink, a
cigarette, or a comb.

Do you realize that seated up here are
probably the greatest collection of

hitters in baseball history?

Do you know that?

Well, in their careers, they sure swung
a lot of bats, and I've seen some of the

old bats they swing with.

Joe's first year in the big leagues was
in 1946 with St. Louis Cardinals. As a

rookie, he didn't find it too easy. Joe
didn't have a Willie Mays arm or a

Murray Wills legs.

All he had was a tally of all of his
head.

Joe was never much at running the bases.

One season he was thrown out at home 61
times.

Once at the ballpark and 60 times by his
wife.

I just want to say, being your host this
evening is like being Zsa Zsa Gabor's

next husband. I know what to do, but how
can I make it last for an hour?

Ladies and gentlemen, here's one of the
funniest guys I know, and I ain't

kidding, Mr.

Jack Carter.

Good to be here on this wonderful night
for baseball. I know it's for baseball

because when we got here, Dean was
already bagged.

We saw him in the lobby last night
trying to play records on a cigarette

machine.

And he and Foster Brooks were dancing to
it.

That's my man, Louis Tian. That's our
man. Hello, Louis.

I'm signing autographs for Finley. He
don't know he just signed for three

with no money.

Such a cute head. Look at that nice
little round head. What size hat do you

wear? Seacup?

I don't know why you chose to become a
catcher. Joe, you're such a cute man. I

mean, Yogi Berra, I can understand.

He had to wear a mask.

You know why I like to watch you catch?

When you get behind a plate and squat,
you look like my mother when she walks.

Kidding. My mother's 78. She swings
better now than you ever did.

My mother even had a chest protector. My
father.

I'm at the ballgame. All of a sudden,
they go to get some hot dogs. There's a

scream and a roar. I come back. Ma, what
happened? What's the score? She says,

two -nothing.

I said, who's winning? She said, two.

lived and slept and he ate baseball.
Once he was leaving the stadium and he

a baby tottering in a window three
stories up and the kid fell out and Joe

over and made a shoestring catch and
saved that baby.

Then like a yacht, he threw the kid to
second base.

But he's a natural catcher. You want to
know why Italians play ball and they

catch good? Because they got no necks.

I think when they were born, God screwed
their head in too tight.

And I go way back in the history of the
ancestry of the

Garagiola clan.

His uncle, Guguzio Gabagoola Garagiola,
fought with Julius Caesar in the Roman

legions, and he ran up and said, my
emperor, we're in trouble, but I've

an instrument of warfare that will save
us. It's called surrender.

I was his ancestor, his great uncle.

I came to America, and Ellis Allen
wanted to be a citizen. He studied. He

hard. He went to school. Then he came
before the judges. He says, George, I

hard. I study everything, the
Constitution, the bylaws, the Bill of

I study all of the presidents, the
Georgia washing machine.

I know Abraham Linguine.

I know everything, but I don't think I'm
going to pass the test.

And the great judge looked down with
dignity and said, Non joie, you're going

pass.

When our astronauts first walked on the
moon

in 1969,

They found some mighty strange things.
Gray rocks, gray boulders, and a

that was hit by Mickey Mantle.

Ladies and gentlemen, Mr.

Mickey Mantle.

I'm very happy to be here to honor my
old buddy, Joe Garagiola.

As I look at him now, it's hard to
believe that Joe was ever a St. Louis

Cardinal.

He looks more like a bald eagle.

It's true that Joe wasn't a great ball
player.

You can tell when you look at his
record.

He was traded more times than his
bubblegum cards.

Once he got traded from one club to
another between games of a doubleheader.

I'm glad to see that Joe's become such a
success on radio and TV.

But deep down inside, I've got to admit,
I'm a little jealous.

After all, I'm the one who compiled all
those records, and Joe's only claim to

fame is that he was Yogi Berra's speech
instructor.

He's been invited to the White House,
and he danced with Betty Ford.

If I'm lucky, I get a foxtrot with
Whitey Ford.

I got to tell you, you brought a lot of
peace and tranquility into my life.

Whenever I'm nervous and tense, all I
have to do is to listen to you describe

the game of the week, and I fall asleep
just like that.

A great Orson Welles first came to
national prominence when he frightened

America with his terrifying recreation
of an invasion by the Martians. I

remember that Sunday night all too well
because I actually saw those hideous

Martians coming after me with their
green hands and yellow eyes.

And what frightened me even more was
that Orson's show was on radio.

The one and only, a terrific, wonderful
person, and such a learned man,

Mr. Orson Welles.

Ladies

and

gentlemen, honored guest, and Dean
Martin, wherever you think you are.

I'm a little uneasy here tonight with
all these skillful fun makers. What

contribution could possibly be made by
somebody like me in a room so filled

superb comics and great comedians?

All I have going for me is a little wit
and good taste.

With which I shall now declaim for you
what is very possibly one of the

loveliest poems ever recited in this
room.

It was a gloomy situation for the
Cardinals from St. Louis.

With two outs in the ninth, the lads
were trailing 5 -2.

If they didn't win this game, the answer
was quite clear.

For the good folks of St. Louis, no
championship this year.

But Kurowski slapped a single with his
mighty Polish stroke to show those guys

who acted wise he was no Polish joke.

Jerry Moore then got a base on balls
with Musial got one too, and now a grand

slam homer would win it for St. Luke.

Then up came Joe, not DiMaggio, but Joe
Garagiola.

Strikeout Joe didn't know a base hit
from Shinola.

Let me get it up to that plate, Joe
cried, for hitting I am ready.

But the only plate where Joe was great
was a plate filled with spaghetti.

Then a cub brought in a pitcher who
really was a meanie, with a wicked curve

that seemed to swerve like a strand of
wet linguine.

Contemptuously, he looked at Joe and
made some snide retorts, then blazed two

fastballs past him that burned his
jockey shorts.

One last strike left. Joe raised his
eyes to pray, and though he was Italian,

heard him say, oy vey.

The pitcher pitched. The batter swung
and hit a lazy pop. The outfielder

as if to say, this ball I'll never drop.
And that's when Joe pulled off his cap,

and with it, his toupee.

Small paint caught the bright red sun,
sent out a blinding ray. The fielder

tried to shield his eyes from the flash
from Joe's... Ball domed.

But as he did, he dropped the ball and
four runs scampered home.

Oh, somewhere birds are singing and
somewhere bands do play.

Somewhere fans are cheering and
somewhere fans are gay.

I suppose they're that kind of fans,
too. Especially in St. Louis.

Well, legend has it said the Cardinals
won the pennant because Joe used his

head.

An old friend and former teammate from
the minor leagues, ladies and gentlemen,

let's bring out the great lefty
Akarokropoulos.

What is he? Ball.

An Italian.

So was Mussolini.

We were the best pitcher -catcher
combination in the minor league.

Our names were on everybody's tongue.

Acapulco. Acapulco. Acapulco.

Acapulco.

Acapulco.

By the time they got through her
announcing us...

By the time they got through

announcing us it was too late to play.

You forgot the most important thing.

The old team.

Remember our play when we ran out in the
field?

Ladies and gentlemen, another day ago.

Thank you, Gene. I'd shake your hand,
but I see they're already shaking.

What it's like to be here, drive all the
way from Palm Springs to honor Joe

Garagio.

That's a phony name if I ever heard one.

It's an Italian name, and you should be
proud, Joe, because my real name is not

Pat Henry. I'm not ashamed of my real
name. It was by Squally Enrico Viginzi

Scarnato.

I had to change mine. Somebody else was
using that name in show business.

Why am I here to honor a man who looks
like the melon I ate for breakfast?

What is it?

Another pretty face.

Yogi Bear.

Best friend. You know Yogi Berra was the
best man at Joe's wedding?

He was the best man. The matron of mana
was a bit of bulldog.

Your face looks like Andy Granatelli
used it for a road test.

Joe, you're a credit to your race and
we're proud of your heritage.

Because I am Italian and we should be
proud. It was only...

400 years ago, Christopher Columbus left
Spain with four ships to prove the

world was round.

You know there was three ships, eh,
Yogi?

Four. One went over the edge.

That's the Yogi of Europe.

I'm a baseball...

greatest superstars, Milwaukee's home
run king, Mr. Hank Aaron.

Thank you.

I can't tell you how thrilled I am to be
here tonight. The only thing I would

give this up for is a fundraising dinner
for the Ku Klux Klan.

I really don't know what we're doing
here tonight anyway.

Most good ballplayers have been honored
by a day at the ballpark.

Joe Garagiola never had a day. He never
even had an afternoon.

You know what he got? A minute.

A Joe Garagiola minute.

They usually give the honored player a
car.

Joe got a Japanese Edsel.

The only other gift he got was a tribute
to his batting. They gave him a

toaster. Black Joe, it popped up.

I'm going to introduce

one of the best catchers in the world.
He's a winning manager and a member of

baseball's Hall of Fame.

Joe Garagiola's boyhood friend and my
good buddy.

Mr. Yogi Bear.

It's nice being introduced by Paisano.

The only difference between us, I'm 100
% Italian and you're 80 proof.

Dean was right when he said Joe and I
were pals when we were kids.

Joe was always the most outstanding one
in the gang.

After all, how many kids do you know are
going ball at the age of eight?

I remember when he went on his first
date.

I won't tell you what the girl looked
like, but we used to use her for third

base.

When it came to catching, Joe didn't
have the greatest arm.

His best throw from behind the plate.

was when he stood up and whipped the
ball directly at the next batter coming

of the dugout. Wait a minute.

You got a lot of guts to get on me about
a lousy arm. You know, as a kid, we

were altar boys. His arm was so bad, the
priest wouldn't let him carry the wine.

And I'll tell you something. You never
saw him get mad?

This guy tried to hit the ground with
the ball, threw it, and missed.

I guess we're both okay, Joe.

Did you know...

They put a plaque on your house back in
St. Louis. What did it say?

Across the street lives a great
champion, Yogi Berra.

Everybody's taking a shot. I just want
to get a chance up here to explain that

they got all the greats here, but my
kind of guys were not the stars. It's a

whole different thing. The Yogi Berras
and the Maury Wills and Mickey Mantles

and Luis Teons, they don't appreciate
baseball like my kind of guys. They go

the ballpark, they know they're going to
play.

They don't know the thrill of going to
the ballpark, not to find out if you're

going to play, but just to see if your
suit is still there.

When I played, I wish I could have been
a star. Some of the things I would like

to have tried, like at Pittsburgh when
we lost our 112 games that year.

A time ago, we had a little, you know,
we lost 13.

It was a slow start. 13 out of 15 we
lost and then had that real bad slump.

want to tell you all this and straighten
it out because these are things that

bug me, like with bats.

They always go to a guy like Aaron,
Willie Mays, Mantle, and they give them

bat and they say, how does it feel?
Always the stars.

And they pick up the bat and they go,
oh, it's a little top -heavy. It doesn't

feel too bad. How the hell do they know
how a bat feels? They only hit it one

part, the fat part. We hit it on the
end, the handle, the trademark.

We know what a bat feels like.

Those are my guys.

the lovely star of television and motion
pictures, Academy Award winner, Miss

Shirley Jones.

Hi, Joe.

Hi,

Shirley.

Joe, you and I don't know each other
very well, but I'm here for a very

important reason.

I hate baseball.

My youngest son, Ryan, is going through
the Little League stage right now.

I can't get his uniform off of him. I
just throw him right in the washing

machine.

I've got the only nine -year -old in the
neighborhood who's fluff -dried.

I think the real problem is they start
those Little Leaguers in too young.

You know who won the trophy last year?

Not my son.

They gave it to a six -year -old who
went 12 consecutive games without

his pants.

If you don't become a good baseball
player when you grow up, it doesn't

matter. After all, look what happened to
Joe Gargiola.

It's my pleasure to introduce the most
controversial figure.

Ladies and gentlemen, here's the owner
of the Oakland A's, Mr. Charlie Finley.

I've always liked Joe.

And only recently, when I was looking
for a new manager, I tried to hire Joe.

I contacted NBC, and I thought I had a
deal going until I found

out, in return, they wanted Tony Kuback,
Bill Rizzuto, and a

toupee to be named later.

I always thought Joe was a fine catcher.

Dean, I don't know whether you know this
or not, but Joe had a great pair of

hands, and if you doubt it, all you've
got to do is ask any cocktail waitress

the United States.

You know when great baseball players
retire, they seal their lockers, like

roofs, garages, musels.

Joe, when you retired, the St. Louis
Cardinals should have sealed your locker

with you in it.

Good luck, Joe.

A lot of you may think that Charlie
Finley is wearing a green suit.

That's not true. It's a tuxedo, but it's
not ripe yet.

A very funny man, Mr. Norm Crosby.

Thank you very much.

Thank you. I must say, the reason for
Dean's misconsclusion is because tonight

he is surrounded by his Paisani.

But Joe is a great name in sports, and
throughout history, Italians have

always... been involved in sports,
basketball, baseball, football, hockey.

They'll take your bet in any one of
them.

But they inherit a certain greatness
from that kind of background. As a

of fact, a group of men from Joe's
family, not relatives, just guys from

family.

We're going to lend New York City $30
million so they wouldn't have to

But the deal fell through.

Because if the loan, there was a
stimulation in the contract. If the loan

paid in 90 days, they had arranged to
have the Statue of Liberty's arms

And those were the days when young boys
ran away from home. And it was a shame

because there is no reason for a young
boy to run away from home, really,

I mean, there comes a time in the life
of every young man when you must cut

umbrella cord and surrogate. That
happens.

The different backgrounds account for
the different times. An Irish boy, when

wins a fight with his father, he is
ready to leave home. A Jewish boy, when

wins an argument with his mother, he has
got to leave home.

Italian boys never have to run away from
home. You see, usually the father and

the brother -in -law build them a house
in the backyard.

The 1975 World Series was probably the
most exciting sports event in years.

One of the reasons was the great right
-handed pitcher for the Boston Red Sox,

Luis Ciancio.

If you know Luis from Cuba,

I know a little Spanish, so I will
interpret.

and translate.

Bueno, bueno.

Also a little drunko.

Come here, Lois. Have you, uh... Have
you

ever met our guest, the owner?

Si, yo conozco. Lo conozco hace muchos
años.

He says he knows Baldo.

They probably met at a toupee swapping
party.

In other words, Louis, you are an old
friend of Joe Gargiola.

He says he knows Joe Gargiola.

We're all thrilled by your performance
in the World Series.

How did you stop those powerful
Cincinnati sluggers? Huh?

He

says

I threw spitball.

Lewis, how did you feel about being
invited here to honor

Jose?

He says it beats the hell out of cutting
sugar cane.

Here from St. Louis is a real fan, a cab
driver who used to drive Joe around the

city. Ladies and gentlemen, Mr. Ralph
Harris.

I like this troop. I had them all in my
cab, you know.

Louis T, he tips tacos.

I don't like it in my cabbie sheds.

Staying the man. I like staying the man,
you know. I once drove him to his

restaurant. He gave me the exact fare.

I said, how about a tip? He says, don't
eat in my restaurant.

Hello, Mr. Finley.

Fire somebody. Fill it home.

But they're all big spenders compared to
El Cheapo Joe here.

On his wife's last birthday, he bought
her a cake at a day -old bakery.

I'm kidding you, Joe.

Thanks to you, I own my own cab.

Before I start betting on you, I own the
whole fleet.

I respect you, Joe.

You're not much on looks, but that don't
matter.

Remember this, Burt Reynolds puts his
pants on one leg at a time, just like

and me.

Of course, he gets a chance to take him
home more often than we do.

Everybody loves you, Joe, because
success hasn't changed you a bit.

Your friends all say you're still
common.

Barbara Walter says you're still simple.

And even after your honeymoon, your wife
said you're nothing special.

Ladies and gentlemen, the very talent of
Mr.

Jackie Davis.

Ladies and gentlemen, here's one of
baseball's great Hall of Famers, Stan

Man Musial.

I knew sooner or later you'd run out of
doll athletes and get one of the real

stand -up comics.

As a baseball player, You really had to
hand it to Joe Guardiola.

If you didn't hand it to him, he'd drop
it.

Now, Joe and I are good friends, and he
comes to my restaurant a lot.

And his people say, you are what you
eat.

And every time Joe comes in, he orders
rump roast.

Ladies and gentlemen, here's a real pro,
and he's the best in the world, Mr.

Nipsey Ruff.

This Peabody Award winner caused this
illustrious dais to assemble, and I'm

happy to say that on a Dean Martin roast
you can joke about just anybody.

I'll tell a joke about the president. If
he doesn't like it, I'll go over his

head and talk to Pearl Bailey.

We must evaluate a man within the
context of his ethnic background, and it

been pointed out here, Joe Garazio is an
Italian.

And in this bicentennial year, I think
of the first Italians who came here with

Christopher Columbus.

As they stepped ashore, the Indians saw
them and said, Well, there goes the

neighborhood.

Well, Joe Garagiolo is living proof that
super talent always recognizes other

great super talent. When the great Hank
Aaron saw Joe Garagiolo play baseball,

he said, that man is a natural comedian.

He's also a natural salesman.

His commercials for the Dodge Motor
Company has caused a lot of people to

Ford's and Chevrolet.

NBC tried to renew his contract this
year. They said, Joe, we can't give you

more money, but we have great plans for
your future. If you'll just play ball

with us.

Joe said, if I could play ball, I'd
still be in St. Louis.

Gentlemen, gentlemen, Mr.

Centerfield, the great Willie.

Hey!

Willie, man!

I'm very happy to be here for a nice man
like Joe. But public speaking isn't one

of my favorite things.

Standing here, I feel as secure as the
manager of the Oakland A's.

playing days, he wasn't the greatest
hitter in the league, but he still holds

major league record.

Most consecutive slumps.

You know, in my last years in baseball,
I knew when my reflexes were slowing

down, and I quit.

That's why I admire you, Joe. You played
nine years like that.

Don't you welcome the man who discovered
Joe on the sandlots of St. Louis,

baseball's most famous scout, Mr.

Foster Brooks.

It's a great honor for me to be here to
pay tribute to the boy I discovered so

many, many years ago, Joe Gradugoo.

Joe Gucci, go on. Go on.

Gary Gio.

As a batter, he had fantastic, fantastic
power.

I once saw Joe hit a ball 500 feet on
the fly.

On the fly of the opposing center
fielder.

one thing, their center fielder turned
white.

Remember Willie?

Even at the beginning, Joe was just like
me. He had guts.

When the bases were loaded and he got a
hit, Joe would go for second base. He'd

go for third.

Same thing with me. When I got loaded,
I'd go for any old bag.

Now Joe has made it big, and I'm very
proud to have been a part of it because

we've been so close.

I alone know the secret desire he has
deep, deep in his heart.

He doesn't care about money or power or
fame.

He'd give it all up if he could just
have one thing.

Dandruff.

Mr. Red Button.

What a night. What a night. It's a
pleasure.

It's a pleasure to be here on this never
-to -be -remembered evening.

Being here tonight is about as important
as owning the World Football League.

Gentlemen, why are they giving this man
a roast when some of the greatest

athletes in the history of the world
never got a dinner?

The greatest athletes, Joe DiMaggio, who
once said to Danny Thomas, here comes

that pest, Mrs. Olsen.

Never got a dinner.

Secretariat who said when they retired
him, they're going to give us six

dollars and all I have to do is that.

Never got a dinner.

Got a mayor in trouble, but never got a
dinner.

Never got a dinner.

Billie Jean King once said to the
umpire.

What do you mean, love 40? I have enough
trouble with one.

Out of gold, Dragueo and I have in
common. I'm Red Buttons, the lovable,

comedian.

Who's a guy who spent a great deal of
his life in a baseball uniform catching

flies.

We do have something in common.

As any man knows, for years, buttons and
flies went together. Ha!

Ladies

and

gentlemen, the former star of the Los
Angeles Dodgers, and now a baseball

broadcaster, one of the greatest, Mr.

Homegirl.

Joe, you're not in play ball at the same
time, so I thought I'd look you up in

the record books. You know one thing,
Mickey?

This guy's not even mentioned in the
record books.

I spoke to some of the guys like Yogi
who did play with you, and they told me

your batting average.

Well, it was anyhow, Joe, and I tell
you, it's ridiculous. I mean, I had a

last week, and my temperature was higher
than that.

You told me how much you liked that
Dodge car that you sell.

In fact, you told me that as you drove
me over here in your Rolls Royce.

Now I hear you're up for a pantyhose

commercial. That I couldn't figure out.
Then again, it finally dawned on me,

wearing pantyhose would give you
something that you never got in

A run.

Ladies and gentlemen, here's a fine
young comedian, and I watch him every

with his wet hogs, and they are
beautiful.

It's a wonderful program, and it's going
to be on for a long time. Mr. Gabe

Apple.

We're here tonight roasting Joe
Garagiola.

Joe Garagiola.

So this is what it's come to, huh, Dean?

What happened? Peter Lynn Hayes wasn't
available?

The idea of a roast is to insult the
celebrity.

We are here insulting a man nobody cares
about.

A man who got a natural...

A man whose baseball accomplishments you
could write on a piece of confetti.

There's been jokes about how bad
Garagiola was as a baseball player. You

know how bad he was?

The Cardinals used to send out
autographed baseballs at a whole team.

The St. Louis kids used to erase Joe's
name.

Stan Musial is here tonight.

What can you say about Stan Musial that
hasn't already been said about Pat

Boone?

Stan owns a restaurant in St. Louis,
which he brilliantly calls Stan

Yogi was in St. Louis. He wanted to go
there, but he couldn't remember the

And we have the great New York giant and
San Francisco giant, Willie Mays.

I asked Willie before the show what he
would have done if it wasn't for

baseball. He took out a whisk broom and
brushed me off.

Henry Aaron is here. People don't
realize the similarity between Henry

career and Joe Garagiola's career.

You know, when Garagiola retired, he was
only 741 career home runs behind Aaron.

And there's Louis Tion. Who can forget
Louis from the World Series with these

moves?

People thought he was nervous. That man
had a very bad rash.

We have Charlie Finley here tonight, a
wonderful human being.

When Charlie goes to Lion Country
Safari, the animals roll up their

Red Buttons is here tonight.

Red Buttons, who never got a dinner.

Red Buttons, who said to his barber,
Harry, keep putting that stuff in my

otherwise they'll call me Gray Buttons.

Joe, I sincerely want to say you're a
great announcer, you're a talented man,

and you're a wonderful human being, and
you can be in my class anytime you want.

Now it's time for old Gary.

One of America's great sportscasters and
TV personalities, ladies and gentlemen,

our man of the hour, Mr. Joe Garagio.

Last time I got an ovation like that,
they took me out of the game.

I tell you, this is some feeling. You've
got to be truthful about it. You look

at this dais.

Take a good look at it. You've got to
figure they're going to take the team

picture in the losing locker room.

Rogi, you're my best friend. My best
friend. Here's a guy that was 16 years

before he knew the holy water in church
was free.

And I'm so pleased that my baseball
friends are here tonight.

Luis Tian, Stan the Man Musial, known as
Chico and the Man.

My first job in baseball was as a
groundskeeper in Springfield, Missouri.

one of the jobs I had to do, and one of
the players on that team was Stan

Musial, Mr. Musial. One of my big jobs
was to wash socks.

It's true.

His socks.

That was embarrassing.

Not for me.

For him.

Because his socks, and you don't know
this until I tell you, we had to stencil

his socks.

Every sock had T -I -F stenciled on it.
So he knew, toes in

first.

Maury Wills is here.

Great bass stealer. I saw him when he
came with the Dodgers to New York and

he picked up the town's habits real
fast.

First thing he did, he mugged the Met
shortstop.

But Charlie Finley, what a thrill it is
to see him here.

Ladies and gentlemen, you're looking at
the first sports jacket made of

AstroTurf.

And my hero, Mickey Mantle. Mr. America,
right?

Let me lay some statistics on you.
Mickey Mantle struck out over 1 ,700

He walked over 1 ,700 times.

You figure it takes 500 times at bat to
make a year. This man played seven years

and never hit the ball.

And he's in the Hall of Fame, and the
way they're going, I should make it.

Nipsey Russell, he is here.

And Nipsey, he's not kidding me at all.
He's here for one reason. He thought the

thing was for Willie Mays.

Which is a very interesting coincidence
because Willie thought the same thing.

Jack Carter, who has become a serious
performer who's given up comedy.

And didn't he prove it tonight?

Huh? Didn't he prove it?

And Red Button, the very popular name,
Red, in trivia circles.

my wonderful host, Dean Martin, the only
man who can sing with a cork in his

throat.

I can show you there are no hard
feelings, none whatsoever for the

that you've put me through.

I do want to tell you that I think
you're one of the great talents, one of

real talents of television.

But if I may, and it's presumptuous, I'd
like to offer one suggestion.

Dean, have you ever given serious
thought to working with a partner?