All language subtitles for Dean Martin Dean Martin (1976)

The Dean Martin Celebrity Roast, coming
to you from the MGM Grand Hotel in the

entertainment capital of the world, Las
Vegas, Nevada.

The glittering city of excitement and
laughter provides the scintillating

backdrop for tonight's star -studded
roast.

From the Ziegfeld Room of the Grand
Hotel, some of the world's greatest

entertainers are here tonight. They are
in Las Vegas in person as the Dean

Martin Show honors our man of the hour.

And tonight, guess what?

It's going to be Dean with tonight's
guests.

Bob Hope.

Orson Welles.

Jimmy Stewart.

Gene Kelly.

John Wayne.

Muhammad Ali.

Steve Kaplan.

Tony Orlando.

Howard Cosell.

Dan Rohn and Dick Martin.

Senator Barry Goldwater.

Joe Namath, Rick Little, Angie
Dickinson, Joey Bishop,

Senator Hubert Humphrey, Foster Brooks,
Paul Lind,

Georgia Engel, Betsy Russell, and our
special guest roastmaster, Don

Rickles.

And here he is.

tonight for the master ceremonies. This
is one of the great all -time thrills

I've ever had.

This is a bigger thrill than watching
Pat Boone autograph hockey pucks during

the ice bollocks.

My wife Barbara summed it up best
earlier this evening. She said to me,

said, really?

I think that's the way my wife talks.

It's going to be an exciting evening.

But don't go by her. She said that on
our wedding night.

My wife told me to be polite this
evening.

By the way, she'd be with us tonight, my
lovely wife Barbara, but unfortunately

she swam in our pool today with her
jewelry on and drowned.

Tonight we are honoring our man of the
hour, Dean Martin.

You heard the applause, Dean, I'd worry.

Can you imagine him, huh?

Imagine him if he was in the infantry in
World War II. Attack!

Oh, I want to go lay down first.

And so, who are we honoring tonight?

A man who has trouble finding his legs.

This is quite a dais. I haven't seen so
many tuxedos since the Osmond brothers

had their annual prom.

Isn't it beautiful, Dean? Look at all
these beautiful people here to pay

to you. The Senator, Rich Little, Paul
Lind on the end. Paul, if you want to

order, do it now. The kitchen's going to
close.

Sorry about your seat, Paul. Why don't
you get a pillow so you can see us?

What an exciting night, folks. You can't
believe it. I have chills just looking

around, seeing all these people. Senator
Goldwater, sorry about the election.

It could have been the president. We
could have hung out together. Gee.

How do you feel, Bob?

Spoke to the Texaco company. You're
going to blow up Thursday.

Bless you, Bob. Keep that image. They
don't know at home you run around in

underwear going, Where's Dolores?

You remember Dolores, the missus?

Uh, Jimmy?

I spoke to the family. You're doing
well.

You're doing well, Jimmy.

Spoke to the wife. She's leaving you.

Let it out, Orson. Let it right out.

Orson's mopey dick water comes out of
his navel.

We have a wonderful night. We're going
to honor Dean Martin, ladies and

gentlemen. He's a great man.

He passed away about three years ago.

Mohammed, if you get a chance, could you
watch me?

No, he's a great champion. I remember
when you fought your last fight, he

in the corner and said, I'm winning.

Listen, it's such a great thing to see
all these wonderful guests, Dean, to see

Howard Cosell. And I'll tell you,
Howard, from the bottom of my heart, you

even tell. It's perfect.

Come on, Senator, I laughed at you when
you lost.

A great state of Iowa, Arizona!

Vote Maybach!

Oh, the other senator, he just went.

I'm from Minnesota. Let's have a party.

I kid you, Senator.

You know how much you love. Look at the
seats you've got.

Later on, the Senators do back in
Arizona to stand around on the highway

look at that, a car.

I kid you, Senator Goldwater, I respect
you.

Jimmy, I respect him.

Good to see Angie Dickinson sitting next
to Joe Namath. When I blow the whistle,

yell hike.

Anyway, Jimmy, morning.

Last night he fell into his own pants.

Don't get me wrong, there's a lot of
reasons why we should honor this man

tonight. First of all, he's Italian, and
I love the Italian people.

I'll never forget the word of Carmine
Ganganonzo, who said to me in Brooklyn

a Saturday night,

Marchesi

Papanini, Ungazano Alfano Cupazzo,
Stuttanini Undanini

Gundalano. Look at this. I'm making up
names in Goldwater's writing them down.

Other people can work you over.

Italians are fantastic people, really.
They can work you over in an alley while

singing an opera. You ever watch them?

I got an album.

Dean, do you understand any of this? If
you do, blink twice.

If you don't, blink three times and
we'll let you go to the toy toy.

But it's your night, boy.

It's your big night.

And I'm perspiring.

I'm getting malaria.

A Japanese guy went, Oguri, guri.

Orson Welles, ladies and gentlemen, has
been a great star for some of the years.

This man was married to a great many
women in his life.

They're all flat now.

But this is a great creative talent. I
cannot say enough about him. I will not

embarrass him. I've made jokes about him
because I've always believed when

you're important, that is my belief in
life, when you're important, you're

certainly open to ridicule and fun and
criticism.

This man is open mostly to fun,
certainly not ridicule. He's a fantastic

And I never had the pleasure,
personally, until tonight when I leaned

said, Mr. Wells, I'm Don Rickles. And he
said, who cares?

Ladies and gentlemen, Mr. Orson Welles.

for that well -meant but rather
pedestrian introduction.

Regarding yourself, I quote from the
third part of Shakespeare's Henry VI,

II, Scene I.

Richard speaks, Where thy heart is hard
as steel, as thou hast shown it flinty

by thy deeds, I come to pierce it, or to
give thee mine.

To translate into your own idiom,
Donald, you're a yo -yo.

to Dean Martin, who is being honored
here tonight for reasons that completely

elude me.

No, I'm not being fair to Dean because,
no, this is true.

In his way, Dean, and I know him very
well, has the soul of a poet. I'm told

that in his most famous song, Dean
offers a lyric which is so romantic, so

touching, that it will be enjoyed by
generations of lovers until the end of

time.

Let's share it together.

When the moon hits your eye, like a big
pizza pie,

that's amorous.

Now that's what I call touching, Dean.

It has all the romanticism of a Tidy
Bowl commercial.

When the world seems to shine,

Like you have had too much wine.

That's amore.

What a profound thought.

Could be inscribed forever on a cocktail
napkin.

See, say this more.

Tippy -tippy -tay.

Like a gay tarantella. Like a gay
tarantella?

Apparently, Dean, there's a side view we
know nothing about.

I think you drew like a pastor. Excuse
me, but you see back in old Napoli,

that's Amore. No, Dean.

That's Infermo, Italian for sickening.

Now, lyrics like that, lyrics like that
ought to be issued with a warning.

A song like that is hazardous to your
health.

Ladies and gentlemen, you're now looking
at the end result.

along with our bombastic review, we have
a great show for you tonight.

A guy that I've seen on Hollywood
Squares many, many times. Perry Como

discovered this guy in Florida in a
swamp sucking on a crocodile's neck.

He's a fantastic star.

He's been in my dressing room many times
going, I'm a fantastic star.

He just recently returned from Guam
where he was there waiting for the war

end.

The black guy went, I didn't know the
war was still on.

Horace did one. I did.

Great artist, Mr. Paul Lee.

Vanity Hour.

I can't tell you what a thrill it is to
be here. The only thing I give this up

for is being guest of honor at a flash
flood.

I suppose I'm here because I did some of
Dean's variety shows.

They were television's first family
hour.

If you happen to come from a broken
family.

In case you're interested, Dean and...

I don't socialize very much. We have
very different tastes. I prefer museums,

gourmet cuisine, legitimate stage.

Dean likes bocce ball, pizza,

and the pussycat theater.

To him, an intellectual discussion is
analyzing the plots.

of Gilligan's Island.

And when it comes to culture, forget it.

When Dean went to the ballet and saw
everyone up on their toes, you know what

said?

Why don't they just get taller girls?

I remember once going to a party at
Dean's house. It was really quite

Well, unique isn't exactly the word.

The word is tacky.

First of all, he had me picked up in his
private limousine of $50 ,000 Mercedes

Benz with a plastic hula girl hanging
from the mirror.

You should see some of the people he had
working at the party.

It's the first time I'd ever seen valet
car stripping.

Half the guests were outside writing
down the numbers of police cars.

You can always judge a person by the
paintings in his house.

Well, the most tasteful picture I saw on
Dean's wall was an unsigned seascape

from the Good Times Motel.

When I got real lucky, Dean introduced
me to some of his personal friends,

Carmine, Benny, Big Louie, Nunzio, and
Nails De La Rosa.

That was his priest.

has to get in training for the big
football season that's coming up next

just finished a great year with the jets
they finished the season one of the

greatest quarterbacks of all time who
said to the jets hurry it up i gotta

this chicken about an hour they kid
about joe being looking for women and

searching and wandering he's now 32
years old and he's tired of sitting and

looking in the mirror going hope this
clears up

Alabama University, where all the broads
went, I just kippity -doo -dah.

Kippity -day.

I don't care what fuck I ride, I'm gonna
ride it today.

They call him Broadway Joe. They can
call him most anything under the sun.

the game starts, he's a champ.

Joe Naiman.

In fact, after last season, I'm glad to
be anywhere.

It was so rough last season, I may need
another operation.

They want to remove some cartilage from
my left knee and Mean Joe Green's helmet

from my chest.

It was a rough season. Actually, I do
have a selfish motive being here

I just found out that one of the major
studios wants to make my life story as a

movie. Really, the perfect one to play
my part in my life is Dean Martin.

I mean, why not? For years, I've been
playing his.

Dean would be perfect playing me. He
even has my characteristics. We're both

broad -shouldered and broad -minded.

I'm known for the long bomb.

Of course, Dean, he's been bombed for a
long time.

The President of the United States is
indeed one of the rarities of our life.

Ladies and gentlemen, such a man is here
tonight to honor Dean. We are all

delighted. He is an American and a true
one, the great Senator Barry Goldwater.

I appreciate that round of applause.

It seemed to create a little draft,
which may be what my good friend Hubert

has been waiting for.

You may wonder why I stand here
attempting to match wits with the likes

Hope, Don Rickles, Paul Lynde.

It's unfair for me to compete with
comedians.

After all...

I've had 19 years of comedy experience
in the United States Senate.

I'm proud to list Dean Martin as a dear,
close friend.

And to show the depth of his friendship
at my last re -election, Dean drank to

my good health.

He also drank to an armadillo.

Now, when I arrived here in Las Vegas,
Dean invited me to a party to meet some

of his friends.

And I'm sorry I had to turn down your
offer, Dean.

But lately I've learned from the
newspapers that if you're a politician,

better not get introduced to strangers
by Italian singers.

This being an election year, I feel that
it's healthy for our country to have...

as wide a choice of candidates as
possible.

What I'm suggesting, it's not too late
for a new candidate.

And for those who aren't gone on wrong
or all aboard for Ford, I proudly

offer a third choice, Dinos or Bambinos.

There's room in our political spectrum
for the man of the hour.

If not president, then maybe something
even more important, senator.

In these troubled times, the country
needs candidates to look up to.

And Dean, I suggest, is the perfect
father figure. One might even say

figure.

that my candidate is for full
employment, just consider what he's done

farm workers.

On martinis alone, he's kept 10 ,000
olive pickers in business.

My candidate believes in equal
opportunity for women.

He chooses all the gold diggers
personally.

To find out if they give off the right
vibrations, he has the most unusual

He taps each gold digger with a tuning
fork.

leaving no stern untuned.

I told Earl Butts that joke wouldn't
work.

You know, I wish we had a hundred like
you in Washington.

Unfortunately, we have 10 ,000.

Dean, a lot of your friends throughout
the country

Couldn't be here at the MGM tonight.
However, they sent some telegram, which

going to read.

Dear Dean, you're the only man I know
who falls down more than I do. Signed,

President Ford.

Senator Goldwater went, not even funny.

Here's a telegram from General Franco,
but you better not read that now.

Here's one from the Smithsonian
Institute.

Thank you for considering us for your
future donation.

But we have the livers of five dinosaurs
that are in better condition than

yours.

Ladies and gentlemen, the next lovely
star that I'm about to introduce is the

star of Police Woman. I'm happily
married.

I think of this lady often.

I want to be with a soap head.

I love my wife, but my wife is ill.

She's a lovely star. She's known as
Pepper Schmutzkedick, whatever her name

Pepper, Pepper Pot, whatever they call
her. I never miss the show. I use it for

a nightlight when I fool around with my
wife.

It's a great show.

Number four in the country, so you know
how our country is going.

Hubert Humphrey went, is there something
wrong with the country?

Forget about it. I had my shot.

I'd like to bring on this girl.

And when we bring her on, let's have the
whole day as attacker.

is The Police Woman is a great show.
Isn't it a great show, Orson? Great.

You're in Spain. How would you know?

You're sitting around in Spain going,
Ole! Ole!

Sorry, Jimmy. I woke you up. I'm awfully
sorry.

Jimmy was taking a quick nap and we
snapped him out of it.

Anyway, I'll put you in a hot tub and
watch your duck sink.

Barry Goldwater went, Now it's starting
to roll.

What am I bid for this broad before I
introduce it?

Look at this. The old guy went, $4.

and bite into a tongue sandwich, Don.
May it be your own tongue.

Dean, you know, I've been a long -time
fan of yours, even before Rio Bravo.

And I especially liked when you

played Nat Helm, that dashing spy.

Or as we called you around the studio,
James Bombed.

you're so good as a detective in movies
I thought maybe you could do an episode

of Police Woman I can just see us
together Pepper and Schlepper

we'd have the script tailored just you
know for your

image and talent we'd have the scene
where you jump out of the car and you'd

okay up against the fender and I'm gonna
frisk you from head to toe and I oh I

hope it's me

have the dramatic scene where you you'd
come to me and you'd say pepper I'm

quitting the force and I'd say why Dean
why why and you'd say

they just gave me orders to go down to a
back alley and take a pint away from a

wino you see the Dean that's police
brutality

and then we get back in

to our patrol car after I'd persuade you
to stay on the force.

And we'd go to a neighborhood filled
with people doing dangerous,

things. My jaws are so tired.

Hey, this isn't a dental show. Just do
your act and get off.

Well, that's the idea.

Now do your job.

Let's get back in the alley.

and he will go down in history, I say
that from my heart, the great champion

Muhammad Ali.

Mr.

Dean Martin, looking at you reassures me
that when God

created you, he had a sense of humor.

I would like to give you some advice.

Some good advice.

I'm not... Just don't give me your
right, that's all.

The man who has no imagination stands on
the earth. He has no wings,

he cannot fly.

Is that too heavy for you?

Let's see, Howard Cosell, everybody.

You have an imagination, I'm sure.

Why is it that I'm the most famous, the
most successful, the greatest fighter of

all times? Because I have an
imagination.

You have an imagination. You have a
gimmick.

You act like you're crazy.

What are you laughing about, Cosell?

Don't open your mouth to me.

Cosell, this is not your show. I'd have
made you famous enough.

you all over the world so everywhere i
go you follow me to get publicity every

time i want to show you come you follow
me all around so we don't want to why

did you invite him

so

let me tell you something else tell him
when it's over are

you telling me

Wouldn't it be a heck of a combination
if he was my manager?

You don't steal, do you? No, no, no way,
Muhammad, unless you say so.

Wait, hey, anything you say, I do.

Why do you talk like that?

Well, that's just to put on.

You can still talk like you're supposed
to talk. I know. Now, if you met an

Italian, do you talk in Italian?

No, no. I never talk in front of them. I
tap them.

You know, since I was a kid, as I said
to him in the dressing room, I said,

I was nine, Jimmy, I saw you in your
last movie, you know.

And they lifted him up.

They lifted him up out of his makeup
chair, and he went, oh, really?

But we kid about Jimmy Stewart. Why?

Because he's a great star. He's
Hollywood.

He knew all the greats. Clark Gable,
Hunts Hall, Leo Gorsuch.

He just came back from England where he
starred in Harvey.

He came here, right from England, to be
with Dean.

Jimmy should be put in a home.

Guy gets off a plane and comes right
here to be with this Charlie bomb juice

here.

He's got to belong in a home. Let's face
it.

I said, Jimmy, why are you here? I don't
really know.

I'm delighted to share the dais with a
man who's being honored, Dean Martin, by

his dear buddy, one of the greats, Jimmy
Stewart.

Don, I thank you.

I was just sitting there

watching you up here. It reminded me of
a picture I did not very

long ago, and it had...

the same kind of warmth and gentility.

The picture is called The Man Who Shot
Liberty Valley.

We're really here to pay our respects
and pay tribute to Dean Martin.

I'm sure Dean will remember this
occasion the rest of his life.

Too bad he won't remember it tonight.

One thing you have to say about Dean, he
knows how to relax. I remember we did a

picture together called Bandolero
several years ago, and Dean was forced

off a three -story building.

And he was forced to do it. And right in
the middle of it, he fell asleep.

lot of fun in the picture we every day
we practice shooting by lining up a

bottles on the fence and before i had a
chance to get my gun out of the holster

i dean drank the target i've got
something to tell you a little more

serious than that because i and i want
to do it at this time i on that same

picture uh dean saved me from drowning
as a matter of fact he

he saved my life it was we were doing
this scene and we were

crossing a river and i fell off my horse
and and dean rescued me and

pulled me to shore and gave me mouth -to
-mouth resuscitation

and you know you

can't imagine what effect mouth -to
-mouth resuscitation

From Dean Martin to me.

I was going

back to my hotel room to learn the lines
and study the scene for the next day,

and all of a sudden I said to myself, I
ought to heck with it.

I'll just show up when the cameras start
and read it off the cue cards.

day, during lunch break, without knowing
it, I found myself in a phone booth

calling a gold digger.

Would you believe it? I ended up with
Frank Sinatra and Sammy Davis. We were

our way to Acapulco. They were having a
big blast.

So, Dean, if it's okay with you, will
you...

The next time you see me drowned, just
leave me there.

Ladies and gentlemen, a bright new star
and a dear friend to Dean and

to all of us, Mr.

Gabe Kaplan.

about Dean's drinking, and I think all
these jokes about Dean's drinking have

gotten out of hand.

I mean, people talk so much about Dean's
drinking, they forget his other vices.

He has so many vices that AA wouldn't
take them. He had to join EA.

Everything's anonymous.

It's not that Dean drinks.

It's what he does when he drinks.

I mean, asking Kate Smith to go to
Hawaii for the weekend.

Going to an orthopedic hospital and
singing Breaking Up is Hard to Do.

I mean, I've heard of guys having
blackouts, but Dean can't remember

that happened between the years 67 to
71.

But Dean likes sports, and he likes to
drink. So I am going to enter Dean in

first annual Drunks Olympics.

Yes, they're going to have events like
the Wino Povolt.

They set the bar at six inches.

Another event is the Hop, Skip, and Bar.

Then they have the Decathlon.

Ten drunks trying to find their cars.

Ladies and gentlemen, one of the all
-time greats. That's the biggest word I

say. One of the all -time greats and a
man that Mr. Martin cherishes and

everyone on this day is. Ladies and
gentlemen, the great man himself, Mr.

Kelly.

I'm very pleased I could be here to
honor my old buddy, Dean, because

actually... We met many years ago
through Frank Sinatra, and that's the

At that time, Frank and I were doing an
MGM musical called Anchors Away.

It was all about two sailors trying to
win World War II by singing, tap

and begging Jose and Terby to play the
piano.

Well, it must have worked.

We won.

That's when he told me he had a new
friend in town, Dean Martin.

Also known as a Steubenville slosher.

And that they were partying it up every
night at Dean's favorite Italian

restaurant.

Frank was nice enough to invite me to
come along.

When I walked into the place, I got my
first inkling that it was, uh, not one

your Duncan Hines -approved restaurants.

A hat -check girl wouldn't let me in
unless I checked my hands, which I did.

Yeah, you don't say no to a hat -check
girl named Bruno.

Dean, it's been great knowing you all
these years.

You're my kind of guy.

You really are.

You put your cards on the table and
yourself under it.

without any further ado, a man that we
all respect and love, Democrat or

Republican. He's the former senator from
Minnesota.

He is the distinguished senator from
Minnesota.

He will be the former senator from
Minnesota.

Not Minnesota.

Minnesota. Minnesota.

Not Soder.

Okay, fine.

A great man, and I am delighted that
he's here for Dean, and ladies and

gentlemen, without any further ado, the
great Senator, Mr. Hewlett Humphrey.

introduction I've been here just
literally fascinated watching you emcee

prestigious affair and I'm amazed at
your tireless ability to talk talk

how good it is to be here with my

friend and colleague Barry Goldwater you
know we we do have very much in common

we both ran for president we were both
defeated

And neither one of us can recognize
former vice presidential candidate

Miller unless he holds up his American
Express card.

Dean, as I sat here and listened to your
friends talk about you, I was amazed.

Really, I've never heard such scurrilous
things being said about anyone.

who wasn't running for office.

Some of you out there in election land
may wonder what a politician is doing on

a show business roast.

But why not?

The fine line between show business and
politics is getting finer all the time.

In fact, one of our distinguished
opponents from the other side, as you

a former actor.

I don't want to mention his name because
according to the equal time rule, If I

do, I'll have to mention the names of
every other candidate, and we would be

here till way after the 11 o 'clock news
just with the Democrats alone.

Now, tonight in 1976, our bicentennial
year, we have come to honor Dean Martin

as the man of the hour.

But I believe that Dean could have been
the man of any hour in our nation's

glorious history.

Why can't you just see, Dean, at the
very birth of our nation, you know, the

Revolutionary War?

He may not have fired the shot heard
round the world, but he would have drunk

it.

At the Battle of Bunker Hill,

when the British were attacking,

I can just hear Dean electrifying the
colonists with his immortal cry, don't

fire till you see the reds of their
eyes.

You will recall that Paul Wevere rode
through Middlesex County at midnight,

waking up the revolutionary soldiers,
sending them from their warm beds to the

battlefield.

Dean would have fallen up, riding from
door to door, unselfishly comforting the

lonely wives.

is modest about his patriotism, but his
pretended ignorance of American history

is a sham.

I know for a fact that he remembers and
relives the Whiskey Rebellion.

It occurs to me, Dean, that you probably
are related to the original discoverer

of America.

He, too, was an Italian.

When he started out, he didn't know
where he was going.

He didn't know where he was when he
arrived, and he didn't know where he had

been when he got home.

And so we're here to pay tribute to this
one man for all seasons.

Now, despite the fact that members of
this dais come from different walks of

life than we do, with varied political
philosophies, But isn't that the

way?

Here I am from the Democratic Party,
Barry Goldwater from the Republican

and we're both here to honor Dean
Martin, who is in favor of a third

fourth party, or a fifth party, or any
party, as long as the ice holds out.

Jimmy right away leans back, and then we
got a lot of talk.

Anyway, uh, Ubit, when I blow the
whistle, move up, too.

Anyway... Hey, this is what... Look at
the elderly lady

who's going, How do I look, Harold?

Nobody's looking at you, lady. Forget
about me.

Except Bob Hope, who's lonely.

You don't look at an old lady.

It's what you feel in your heart.

Do you fool around at all?

The man who probably knows Dean Martin
better than anyone else is his

producer for the past 12 years.

In order to handle talent like Dean, a
producer has to be strong, vigorous, and

forceful. Well, here he is, ladies and
gentlemen.

Dean's longtime producer, the dynamic,
rugged Gary Von Grixen.

Thank you, Mr.

Rickles.

As you say, I've been Dean Martin's
television producer for 12

years.

And the first thing I'd like to do
tonight is to say hello to him.

Well, it's one easy.

Didn't you notice?

Nervous for a wreck.

See this?

Before I met you, I used to be like
this.

He could drive you crazy with those cue
cards.

He could cheer you harder.

Can you read that?

It's a pleasure to introduce the great
John Wayne. Duke, it's all over. How

can you ride into the sunset?

It's murder when they gotta give you a
chair and boost you onto the horse.

But you're a great man. Marion Morris. I
guess years ago you dressed up and

mixed.

But, Duke, that's what all your friends
call you, Duke.

I call you Mr.

Annoying.

Important man.

A man that made the West and all of us
live in a great, wonderful, wonderful

Walter Mitty world.

One of the great giants of the motion
picture screen, Mr. John Wayne, better

known as Duke, to his buddies.

Thank you, children.

As soon as I figure out what you said, I
think I'm going to get sore.

Ladies and gentlemen, it's nice being
here, and I hope you don't mind the way

walked out. It's just my impression of
Rich Little.

Hello, old -timer.

Wait a minute. What happened?

You must have crammed in a lot of living
since our last picture.

I got a 60 -year -old saddle that looks
better than you do.

I feel kind of close to this wrinkled
old wrangler, because Howard Hawks and I

sort of broke him into westerns.

Before that, he'd made a lot of musical
junk, you know, kissing girls, guys

leaping all over, singing and dancing,
fancy costumes, you know, that red silk

handkerchief. Well, the first time he
showed up on the set of Rio Bravo, he

decked out all right in authentic cowboy
outfit.

but he had that red silk handkerchief
hanging out of his holster.

I pointed out to him that his pretty
jingling silver spurs sounded musical,

that he had them on backwards.

Incidentally, partner, that Durango
Motel says you still owe him $200 for

ripped sheets.

And the cocktail.

waitress figures that $9 ought to about
do for the pantyhose.

This by Santa here is some kind of an
actor, I'll tell you that. In fact,

I really wanted you to co -star with me
in my last picture.

Park called for a brave, rough, tough,
brawling sidekick. I figured you were

perfect. The studio insisted on Katie
Hepburn.

so when you take in rooster cogburn see
all those love scenes dino remember it

was supposed to be you and me well
enough of this buffalo butter

enough jokes i'd be a liar if i didn't
tell you that i love this lush he's been

my friend for the best years of my life
he's done for me what he's done for

millions of people all over the world
because like so many of you i Feel good

every time I see him. I'm entertained by
him.

I laugh with him as well as at him.

And when I leave him, I worry that he'll
find his way home.

Dino, to you.

May you live forever.

And I say this from the bottom of my
heart.

May you live forever.

And may the last voice you hear be mine.

To you, pilgrims.

It's movie time. In the last three
years, a lot of big stars have appeared

Dean's roast.

And even though they couldn't be here
tonight, we wanted you to see their

touching tribute to Dean.

I've been watching you on TV for years.

A lot of years.

I heard all those stories about the way
you boozed it up. I just want to tell

you, if you fall down tonight, I'm not
picking you up because it's not my job.

Look at Dino. He don't know where the
hell he is.

Happy, smiling, relaxed.

He still thinks he's on every week.

I just love this man, but I really wish
he wouldn't drink so much.

And Dean claims he only drinks when he
smokes.

Right now, he's up to eight cartons a
day.

Now, I think you're about to see a
television first.

Dean accidentally drank a glass of
water, and he's going to self -destruct

five seconds.

Thank you, Mr. Martin, and may I say it
is very gratifying indeed to see one of

my patients doing so well.

might set a bad example for his many
viewers.

After only one consultation, he vowed
that he... This is what he said to me.

He said, no more drinking on the air.

And this is what he did. He would take
his tuxedo and dip it in booze, and then

from time to time, he would just tuck
his sleeve.

As you can see, nothing upsets him.
Nothing upsets him.

Although the energy crisis had him
worried, he heard they might limit the

to two gallons a day, and he thought
they were talking about booze.

You know, I know he said that I am his
good friend, but I think he's got me

mixed up with somebody else, because
when I came in here tonight, he said,

hi, Ernest, how's Julio?

Now, you said I couldn't say any drunk
jokes about him.

Oh, no, I hate to lay off that stuff.
It's ungentlemanly, it's unsporting.

It's not fair to make fun of an
unfortunate individual who's the victim

affliction the demon runs.

Excessive libation is a serious problem.

I'm sure Dean will drink to that, huh?

Dean's got so many grapes in him, he's
being picketed by Cesar Chavez.

This might easily be the biggest moment
of my life because standing up here on

this day is with Dean Martin, the wino,
on one side of me, and Michael Landon,

the milk drinker, on the other side of
me. While he's fermenting, he's

You don't remember me, but I was your
first wife.

Dean. At least they measure my weight in
pounds.

Yours is in quarts.

You know, I've always liked Dean Martin
because he did a nice thing for me one

time.

After one of my jumps, I was in the
hospital and he donated a pint of his

in my name.

There was one problem. I was a little
young then and they won't let anybody

under 21 have it.

I'm going to say something about you,
pal.

You and I have simpatico.

Dean and I have been on more floors than
Johnson's wax.

Tonight, absolutely thrilled witnessing
this remarkable sight.

Gleason being roasted and Dean's already
stewed.

Night to find a person of your heritage
sitting up.

I don't know. He's sitting here nude.

He just put a tuxedo on the front part
and the bottom. He's all nude and he's

a little therapy pool.

Look at this Bob Hope winter.

He's looking for oil.

Ladies and gentlemen, I'd like you to
meet a man who is my dear friend. He is

fooling around with my wife.

Joey Bishop is a fun guy. He's the kind
of guy, when you have a loss in the

family, bring him as a mourner.

He doesn't have to know who they are. He
just sits by the cash and goes, hey,

it's a damn shame.

He knows Frank Sinatra personally, and
when they had the clan, Dean and Frank

and Peter Lawford, I wasn't in that
group, but Joey was, and he used to run

front of Frank's car and check for
grenades.

He is a great star and a friend to Dean
and to all of us, Mr. Joey Bishop.

I'm delighted to see Bob Hope here.

Thank God it means we're not at war.

I've known Dean for many years, and I
consider it an honor and a privilege to

have been associated with and know Dean.

People say, does he drink?

Some people say, no, he pretends.

One night he pretended so well it took
three guys to carry him home.

He does not pretend.

Dean Martin drinks.

I saw him one night walking around with
a snake in his hand trying to kill a

stick.

I have not lived until you have seen
Dean Martin in a drunken stupor

for his dog.

Here, boy.

I cannot believe that we are here
tonight honoring a guy who a few feet

away from us cannot see us or hear us.

happy to see Senator Humphrey here.
There's something I meant to bring up. I

hope, Senator, you realize I do this
with a great deal of respect, and I hope

you will not be embarrassed by it. But
about eight or nine years ago, we were

both in Philadelphia.

We shared a cab.

You wished to pay the cab fare, but you
had no money with you.

And I offered to pay the cab fare, and
you said, no, no, no, just loan me $10

and let me pay the cab fare. Do you
remember the incident in Philadelphia?

Okay. You have no lines. Just nod.

So I could have asked him for the $10,
but I says, no.

Hey, maybe one day he'll be president of
the United States, and I can very

proudly say the president of the United
States owes me $10.

Now what I'd like to say is, if you
don't think you're going to make it this

time, I'd like to have the $10.

because I bet him that he would win.

We'll now take a moment of silence while
I introduce this fine gentleman, Rich

Little.

He's the best impressionist in the
world. This I know because he's told me

time and time again.

Ladies and gentlemen, Mr. Rich Little.

What has this dummy ever done for me?

Oh, yeah, gave me a minute in his
dressing room once. Told me he was a big

gave me a cookie, and told me to go
away.

I'm rolling, I'm rolling.

I'm a nice guy. Am I going too fast for
you, Don?

Why don't we put a cord on you, Navel,
and float you out here as the Goodyear

blimp?

There's Gene Kelly. And you know why
Gene Kelly stayed so young through the

years? His voice never changed.

There's Orson Welles. The wings of man.

And John Wayne here tonight.

Yo.

And Howard Kelston.

a man who was slowly becoming a legend
in his own mind.

Then, of course, Hubert Humphrey is
Hubert. I'm pleased as punch Humphrey is

here.

I was saying to my wife, Muriel, just
the other day, I said, Muriel, and she

said, that's right.

Jimmy Stewart.

Paul

Lynn

was here.

Oh, I think this roast is disgusting.

wanted to present Dean Martin's first
partner, Gladys Lewis.

I'm sorry I ever made it with you.

All this could have been yours, so just
eat your heart out.

And you, you mozzarella mashem.

You know, I'll never forget the first
time that he saw me in a bikini. He

oh, boy.

Because you look like one.

When I first met him, he only sang in
the shower. Well, take it from me,

he didn't have much to sing about.

circuit. Where'd we go?

Louisiana, Texas, Florida.

We never worked up north.

He did his best working heat.

Because of him, I went to a plastic
surgeon.

At first, the doctor thought I was
hopeless.

In those days, they didn't have
industrial strength.

That's where I found him.

He's a fine... Tony Orlando and Dawn
just have skyrocketed to fame. I was

backstage before, and I said, Tony, how
do you feel? And he said, I'm

skyrocketing.

He's a Greek and has Puerto Rican blood,
and it's a mixture, and when he's born,

he came out as an olive.

Ladies and gentlemen, a wonderful young
star, Mr. Tony Orlando.

After watching you here tonight, Don, I
realized I made a mistake in one of my

songs. I should have called it Tie a
Yellow Ribbon Round Don Rickles' Tongue.

Ten years ago, I tried to sell a song to
you, Dean.

I don't know if you remember that. Yeah,
I remember when I went to NBC and

pulled in the parking space next to
yours.

I knew it was yours because yours was
the only one on a slant.

You suggested we talk at your house, so
I followed you home.

You're amazing, Dean Martin, you're
amazing.

Mulholland Drive has 500 curves, and you
did it in one straight line.

Dean, I would like very much to pay
tribute to you, because after all, you

the light. You were the one that, when I
first saw you, that I said to myself,

yes, I want to be an entertainer.

And I can't, I can't find a way to
express my thanks.

And I hope this is proper tonight in its
roasting tradition to pay tribute to

you this way. I'd like to pass on to you
a piece of advice that Dean has given

me. He said, prior to going on your
show, Tony, remember three things.

One, be considerate to your audience.

Two, be kind to them. Three, be drunk.

see Georgia Rangel on the Mary Tyler
Moore show, I can't get over her sweet

gentle way.

She's a girl who wouldn't hurt a fly.

She'd try to talk it into committing
suicide, but she wouldn't hurt it.

and gentlemen, a girl who's so
considerate, if you would, she carries

credit cards for purse snatchers. Ladies
and gentlemen, Miss Georgia Rangel.

for some more of those hard -hitting
zingers the producer gave me to say

the stars here on the dais.

I hope I don't hurt anybody's feelings,
but here come the clouts, the put -down

stick, and a couple of rimshot hits.

Ba -dum -ba -dum.

I'm glad to see Bob Hope on the dais.

Bob misses entertaining servicemen so
much, he bought his own war.

say that, Mr.

Hope. I know how you feel about our men
in uniform.

I saw you earlier today doing a
monologue for Three Bell Hops.

It's a privilege seeing Orson Welles
here tonight.

He's such a great actor.

They say he used to chew up the scenery,
and when you look at him, it's pretty

obvious he did.

glad to see Don Rickles here. I hope the
network doesn't see him or they'll

cancel this show too.

And now we come to our guest of honor,
Dean Martin.

Oh, I hear that Dean was found this
morning with his bed on fire.

He said, don't blame me. It was on fire
when I got in.

this morning, and you were exactly where
you were last night, on the floor in

the lobby.

I hope I didn't say anything bad about
anybody, and that's it for the video.

Thank you, Georgia.

There she goes, the Tinkerbell of the
Hell's Angels.

Those of us in comedy really respect.

Get ready, Nipsey.

It's either that or we both take the
train to Baltimore.

He's a real pro and a superb monologist.
Ladies and gentlemen, Mr. Nipsey

Russell.

The doctor said, he said, the best thing
for any man's health is to give up

women, give up whiskey, and give up
staying out at night. Dean said, Doc, I

don't deserve the best. What's the next
best?

I'm overwhelmed by his vitality and his
dynamism and his youthful appearance.

I said to him, Dean, what is the secret?

How do you look young? He said, the best
way to look young is to hang out with

old people.

social topics.

I asked him, I said, Dean, do you think
black children should be bused to white

schools? He said, hell no, let them take
a cab.

I said, but it's always sex and drinking
and carousing. I said, don't you know

what good, clean fun is? He said, no,
what good is it?

He has a very weird sense of humor.

He takes pornographic film home and runs
it backwards. He likes to see people

get dressed and leave.

So I say, Dean Drucker, sober, rich or
poor, cloudy or fair weather,

I'll stand beside Dean Martin because we
Sicilians stick together.

We haven't talked much about Dean
Martin's past tonight.

One element which hasn't been touched
upon is the fact that in his formative

years, he was a member of the Boy
Scouts.

We are proud to have with us tonight the
leader who helped form our man of the

hour, his scoutmaster from Steubenville,
Ohio, Mr. Foster Brooks.

I'm here at the MGM Grand Hotel tonight
to...

I'm here to...

My

bosom...

My...

My butt, buzz, and swells with pride.
Something Ruth, Ruth, Buzzy might even

with.

You may like, like it, Luke. Look, you
may look.

You may, you may look at me and say,
push through it. Kiss, pop, pop, kiss.

when this purple pixie was a cub scout.

The happy hours we spent on a summer
evening sitting

around a campfire in our little short
pants, roasting our weenie.

And, of course, warming our buns.

I'm sorry, your dream wasn't fulfilled.

This Latin log could have been a gifted
surgeon.

He was the first scout to perform an
emergency vasectomy on

a great horny owl.

And you'll hear that bird singing
pitifully.

As

I

leave you,

you may ask why all these nice people on
this dais

have given of their time and traveled
many miles.

to honor Dean Martin.

As I said before, it's a dirty job that
somebody's got to do.

Ladies and gentlemen, I'd like to meet a
man who I've known for many, many

years. This man has been doing fights
since Joe Louis fought Johnny Paycheck.

But ladies and gentlemen, we make fun of
Howard Cosell, and why not? Look at

him.

This man has a fantastic nose.

When the wind is right, he becomes a
hawk.

With that nose, every time he breathes,
he sucks up his underwear.

Ladies and gentlemen, one of the all
-time sports guests is Mr. Howard

It's such a sweet little thing, Don.

They talk about charm schools in my
name. Thank God you're the only guy

got more cancellations on your record
than I have on mine.

could have been served during this hour
than glorifying the Sicilian sponge.

The staggering power of pizza.

This fugitive from the planet of the
grapes.

We could have used this valuable
television time to do a one -hour

the wit and wisdom of Art Buchwald.

or a one -minute special on the wit and
wisdom of Sonny Bono.

So perhaps I am remiss in denying Dean
this hour of immortality, because this

the bicentennial year, and Dean has a
special way of touching the hearts of

Americans. Maybe he didn't say the
memorable words, give me liberty or give

death. or I regret that I have but one
life to give to my country.

But did Patrick Henry or Nathan Hale
ever say words so stirring as,

when the moon hits your eye like a big
pizza pie?

That's it.

See you, baby, after that, whatever you
can't use to say.

you meet a great comedy team, two guys
that have never talked to each other.

You remember that, Dean.

But these two dear friends of mine have
been making America laugh for over 25

years. That's a long time, and I think
they ought to give it up.

Ladies and gentlemen, my friends, dear
ones they are, and certainly Dean's, Dan

Rowan and Dick Martin.

about being here tonight, aren't you? I
certainly can.

Hey, and Don's doing a very creditable
job, isn't he? I think he always does.

You know, Don Rickles always reminds me
of a blindfolded massage lady.

A blindfolded massage lady? You never
know where she's going to strike next.

Well, he's always good for a laugh or
two, though. Oh, so is the massage lady.

Yes.

You know, I think it's certainly a
tribute to the guest of honor that this

is graced with the presence of two men,
both of whom have run for the nation's

highest office. Right. Hubert Humphrey
and John Wayne.

John Wayne has never run for president.
Well, neither has Gerald Ford.

Yes, even so.

Even though.

We are here tonight to pay our respects
to one of the funniest and most lovable

television personalities in the world.
Right. Henny Youngman.

I suppose you think that's funny. No,
but he sends me a case of booze every

I mention his name on time.

Henny Youngman. I just got you a case.
Oh, thank you very much.

I think it's time we spoke about the man
America honors tonight, your friend and

mine, Dean Martin. Yeah, I love old
Dean.

Yeah. You know, Dean was the man, a lot
of people don't know this, but Dean was

the man who put Rowan and Martin on NBC
in the program that was later to become

Laugh -In. Yes. And we shall be
eternally grateful to him for that. Yes,

the very ground he falls on.

I don't intend to stand up here and do
dumb, drunk jokes about this guy. I

happen to know that Dean is one of the
most charitable men in all of show

business. Well, last year alone.

He took in 14 wayward girls and gave
them a place to sleep.

All right, what about all he gives every
year to the sons of Italy? Right, last

year alone he gave them 14 more sons.

Well, let's be fair right now for a
moment. Talk a little bit about Dean's

accomplishments in our industry.
Personal appearances, sold out, wherever

appears. Over 18 gold records. Not to
mention television.

Television? I told you not to mention
it.

Television? He's been doing a variety
show on television for 12 years. Nobody

else can say that.

Oh, how about Howard Cosell?

Howard Cosell's variety show lasted a
few weeks. Well, it seemed like 12

There's another thing.

This man, Dean, has made a lot of people
proud to be Italian.

Well, that wasn't too tough after
Mussolini, though.

You realize that if everyone, the number
of people who have seen him, he's so

familiar to the world. If everyone who
watches Dean on television had voted for

Senator Goldwater in 1964 and had voted
for Senator Humphrey in 1968, both of

these men would have slept in the White
House.

Then Susan Ford would really have
something to tell her old lady.

I think the time has come to stop filing
around and tell this fellow what you

really think about him. Well, Dean,
you're the best. You're a great

a loyal friend, and one hell of a guy.
And that goes for both of us, Dean. Say

goodnight, Dick. Goodnight, Dick.
Goodnight, Dick. Goodnight, Dick.

I

would

like to say to you, Bob, because we
cannot kid about it, I've never liked

annoyed me i don't see how you became a
star gene kelly always said to me how

did he become a star gene tell him what
you said to me many many years

ago he gave me a break on a television
show with with hair with this not you

you i'll let you know when but it's good
that you practice standing

Later on, we're going to have you
walking and talking and mixing with

You're going to have such a good time.

America loves him. He knows Johnny
Carson personally.

He has traveled all over the world.

He's home now for a half hour to pick up
his laundry, and we just asked him off

the street to come on in and kill an
hour.

Bob, you've done so much.

In World War II, which I was in, you
came to the front, and I had to go and

attack the Japanese troops at that time.
And you said, I've done my jokes, and

you went to the back lines. I was so
annoyed.

I don't care how big you are. I'm fed up
with you, Bob.

But I'll give you $100 if you'll marry
my mother.

Ladies and gentlemen, there is nobody,
there is nobody greater.

I never saw you.

I never saw you.

Of course you didn't. They faced you the
wrong way.

I am proud to be his friend, and
certainly Mr. Martin is a dear friend to

guy. Ladies and gentlemen, a great guy,
and that's what you can say about him,

Mr. Bob Hope.

Thank you. I'd be delighted to be here
at these auditions.

But television is wonderful to do this.
And television needs another Dean Martin

Rose like the CIA needs a press agent.

But this is a great night. This night is
about as exciting as watching the

Walton family paper train their pet
rock.

haven't been this excited since john
davidson let me fill his dimples with

whipped cream and how about this

mgm grand hotel huh what mobs are the
crowds around the crap table are 12 deep

it's the only place in the world where
you have to make an appointment to go

broke

room service. 24 hours a day, you can
get anything you want sent up to your

room, unless your wife is with you.

And I really had fun playing the slot
machines here. It's nice seeing three

oranges come up and not have Crosby
force his kids to eat them.

What a super hotel.

Dean has his own helicopter landing area
and he doesn't have a helicopter.

And it's nice to see Senator Goldwater
in such distinguished company.

Distinguished company. I've seen better
bodies blown out of the Hindenburg.

Just think, Senator, you could have been
at the White House watching home movies

of Betty Ford doing the hustle with Mao
Zedong.

Now that everybody's running for
president, why not our distinguished

Dean's very popular. He has thousands of
warm friends and some men friends, too.

And what a vote -getter. Most candidates
lean toward the Republican Party or the

Democratic Party.

Dean's the only candidate who can lean
toward all parties at once.

Who can win some of the crucial
primaries. Dean has a wide acquaintance

Florida. Jackie Gleason.

And we all know how... We

all know how fair -minded Dean is on
foreign policy. French, German, Italian,

Irish, Scotch. He'll drink it no matter
where it's from.

I think Dean would breathe some new life
into the administration.

It should be easy for him. His breath
would start the windmill turning on an

Dutch painting.

Even as a kid, he made medical history.
He was the first seven -year -old to

have a liver transplant.

Yes, he's been drinking since he was
seven. His family didn't know he drank

until one day they saw him sucking in a
popsicle with an olive in it.

But I'm proud of him. He's from Ohio.

And let me tell you, growing up in
Steubenville wasn't easy. There were

pretty tough characters in Steubenville.

Their idea of underarm protection was a
38 and a shoulder holster.

Dean got his start in show business
singing with a Sammy Watkins band in

Cleveland. He got $7 a night, $9 when he
didn't show up.

In those days, Dean sang all the pop
songs, but now all Dean sings is country

and western.

Now let me tell you, Dean singing
country and western makes as much sense

Greg Allman giving Sonny Bono a welcome
home party.

Dean was in the Rat Pack. Those were the
happiest days of Dean's life.

Constantly surrounded by three guys who
could carry you home.

Frank who got Dean to join the Rat Pack.
It was a private little in -group.

Frank, Dean, Sammy Davis, Joey Bishop,
and Peter Lawford.

They made Las Vegas what it is today,
the off -ramp between Sodom and

In spite of it all, Dean is one of
America's great sex symbols. He's sort

marinated Burt Reynolds.

I'd like to say that this gentleman in
the business, everybody from the day I

first started on television was a Dean
Martin show with Greg Garrison, and they

put 40 million celebrities in the
audience, including Mr. Hope at the

And just every star that was available
came to watch me, and I perspired, and I

said to Dean, I'm frightened to death,
my goodness.

And he said, no, no, you'll be great,
Pally Boom and Greg Garrison. They

believed in me, and they gave me an
opportunity to be on Dean's show.

He's an unusual man.

You do not see him at too many social
functions. He's not a crowd waver.

He's just a beautiful human being that
the entire industry says, like every guy

turns around and says, boy, to be in
Dean's company is a fun thing because

a guy's guy.

I will not say too much because he would
be the first one to say it. Hey,

probably that's it. Ladies and
gentlemen, a guy that's loved, Mr. Dean

distinguished looking deus or dais. I
never knew what it was, deus or dais. It

looks like the board of directors of a
massage parlor.

Remember the famous words of Franz
Schubert's mother who once said, Franz,

right back here and finish that fifth.

see my favorite policewoman, Angie
Dickinson, I tell you, she's one cop

can't buy.

I know.

I was in her dressing room before the
show, and I tried.

By the way, Ruth Buzzy is in great
demand on all the TV cop shows. Who else

play a hit and run victim without
makeup?

I love Ruth Buzzy. She can do my show
anytime.

But did you ever get a look at her
chest?

Looks like two bagels taking a nap.

And Howard, Howard, I know why your
variety show wasn't a hit. I spoke

to your wife and she said you haven't
been live on Saturday night for years.

I really feel honored that Senator
Goldwater elected to grace this day is

tonight. Tonight is the second time
Barry Goldwater has made the people

First time was when he ran for the
presidency.

It's always a thrill to see my buddy
Jimmy Stewart.

Although he's done so many great movies,
I'll always remember him for his great

Philadelphia story.

Jimmy spent a week with me and Sonata in
Tijuana.

and told his wife he was in
Philadelphia.

Even though, even though, even though,
even, even though Jimmy is getting on in

years, he still has all the vitality of
a hormone gingle.

A miney gingle.

I knew it was one of those guys.

comedy teams, you have to include Laurel
and Hardy, Abbott and Costello, Rowan

and Martin, all great comedy teams of
the past.

Everybody knows Joan Damon, quarterback
for the New York Jets. Joe had the

same kind of year with the Jets that Abe
Beam had with the City.

And Bob Hope, you were beautiful. You
know, From the day Bob was born,

knew that he was going to be a comedian.

Who could ever forget his first word?

But seriously, nurse.

And needless to say, I'm very proud that
Senator Hubert Humphrey could join us

at the MGM. I don't know if you noticed,
but not once tonight did the senator

say, I'm pleased as punch.

That's because I drank it.

Rich Little does a great impression of
President Ford.

In fact, it's so good, Rich's popularity
went down.

And Muhammad, don't worry about how your
monologue went over tonight.

I'll talk to the audience and try to get
you a rematch.

Nice to see Paul, Lynn.

Only time I get to see him lately is on
Hollywood Squares.

To make you feel at home, I want you to
pretend Rosemarie is sitting on your

head.

I'm glad my good friend John Wayne was
able to be here tonight.

I love the way he dresses when he's in
those Western movies.

Shiny studs on his shirt, a colorful
kerchief, and high heels.

I don't know why they call him the Duke.
They should call him the Duchess.

And what can you say about Orson Welles
that Don Rickles hasn't already said

about him?

And I'll always love to see my friend
and buddy Gene Kelly, a guy who's always

doing things for the...

Less fortunate. He just flew in from
Texas where he did a telethon to raise

funds to build a clinic for sterile
fruit flies.

And it's nice to see Tony Orlando here
tonight.

And thank you, Tony, for the nice, nice
words. Thank you very much.

about it except I'd like to thank all
you on the dais for your friendship and

want you to know I'll remember this
tonight until I get to my car you

know

I've been with NBC for over 20 years and
I'd like to thank you all for your

loyalty and for looking in and sharing
some laughs with us I hope

my most talented friends, and I have
provided you with a lot of them this

evening.

This has been the most memorable evening
for me, thanks to Jimmy Stewart,

Senator Barry Goldwater, Gene Kelly,
Gabe Kaplan, John Wayne,

Howard Cosell, Joey Bishop, Paul Lynn,
Georgia Engel, Rowan

and Martin, Tony Orlando, Angie
Dickinson, Senator Hubert Humphrey,

Nipsey Russell, Ruth Buzzi, Bob Hope,
Foster Brooks, Orson

Welles, Charlie Callis, Rich Little,
Muhammad Ali, and Joe

Namath. And my host, my dear, dear
friend, Mr. Don

Rickles.

Good night.