Original subtitles

Who can turn the world on with a smile?

Who can take a nothing day and suddenly make it all

seem worthwhile?

Well, it's you, girl, and you should know it.

With each glance and every little movement you show it, love is all

need to waste it. You can have the town, why don't you take it?

You're gonna make it after all

You're gonna make it after

all

Why are you holding the door open?

Because I'm with somebody who walks very slowly.

Who?

There's a story connected with that. Unfortunately, I know I have the time to

tell it.

My oldest daughter called me from New York and said her father -in -law is

coming to Minneapolis and could he stay with me? I said yes.

Oh, isn't that nice?

Nice? He's the slowest man in the world.

Crossing the park this morning, a vine grew up his leg.

Thanks, Lou, for holding the door open for me.

You want to help me with my coat?

Oh, I guess not.

Look, you don't have to stand there like that. I'm sure he can find his way in.

Yeah, you're right.

What's the matter? You couldn't hold the door open?

Mary Murray, this is Morris Bender. Well, it's nice to meet you.

How do you do?

How long?

Yeah, Morris is going to be spending the day here with me. I was going to put

him on a sightseeing tour, but he said I shouldn't go to all that trouble.

I don't want to be a bother.

Oh, can I get you some coffee? Oh, no, don't bother.

It's no bother.

Okay.

You sure it's no bother? No, no bother.

Come on, Morris. You can sit with me in my office.

Only if I don't get in your way. It's right in there.

I'm sure I won't be in the way. Positive.

You'll tell me if I'm your boss. Oh, yeah, yeah. Here, here.

Coffee. Thank you. I hope it was no bother.

Nice little guy, isn't he?

Oh, look, how long is he staying with you, Lou? Oh, a couple of weeks, or

I kill him, whichever.

Mary, I have a big favorite ass.

Oh, no. No, Mr. Grant. He's not staying with me. I'll barricade my doors. I

didn't ask you to take him in, although a good friend would have volunteered a

long time ago.

I didn't ask you to take him to lunch. I have a meeting.

Just lunch? Yeah.

Yeah, okay. I guess I can do that. Oh, wait, Mary, before you say yes. I need

you for lunch. I've got a big personal problem. I've already got her, Ted.

mine. No, you don't. It's her lunch. We all get a shot at her. Ted, leave her

alone.

No, I can't.

It's a big problem. All right, all right. Look, Ted, uh... Georgette and I

talking about getting together for dinner. Why don't we just make it

can't wait to dinner. I need you for lunch. Well, look, I can't have lunch

both of you. I only have four hands.

Dinner, sure.

What am I going to do till then?

What about getting ready for your broadcast?

Oh, that's no good.

I really appreciate this, Mary.

But it's not such a bad deal. You're going to have a great time with him.

Just one tip.

When you cut his meat, make it small pieces.

Figure about one.

I'll start sending him out about 12.

Why is it always me, Murr? Why is it always me?

You really want to know?

It's because you probably get a kick out of letting people walk all over you.

That's why.

Look, I said it. I said it. I'm glad I said it. I'm not going to take it back.

Murray.

Okay, I apologize.

But you meant it, didn't you?

Yes, Mary, yes, I did.

You know, a couple of weeks ago, I read a book called The Importance of Being

Selfish. And boy, if ever there was a book written for you, it talked about

people like you, Mary Richards. It talked about people who are always

And it said the real reason they did that was because they had such a low

opinion of themselves that that was the only way they knew that they could get

people to like them.

Thank you, Mary. How very flattering.

Look, Mary, I know this may sound harsh, but isn't there a little bit of truth

in it?

That the reason you can't say no to people is because you're afraid they're

going to like you?

Well, I... maybe.

It's a terrific book, Mary.

Boy, it really helped me a lot.

I mean, everybody thinks that selfishness is this terrible thing, when

times it's just somebody recognizing his true value.

Now, I know you may not believe this, but selfishness can be a virtue.

Sounds like an interesting book. Can I borrow it?

Get your own.

Here we are.

Looks like a nice tuna fish sandwich.

But why is it so shiny?

That's the cellophane.

Would you like me to take it off for you? If it's no bother.

It's no bother.

What's that you're having?

Egg salad.

I didn't know they had egg salad.

Well, they do.

I love egg salad.

Would you like to trade?

You don't have to trade.

I'll give you my sandwich and you give me yours.

I forgot.

It's not egg salad I like. It's cheese.

Really? Ted, hi. Come on over. Sit down.

Join us.

Ted, I'd like you to meet Morris Bender. Hi. He's a friend of Lou's. Hi.

I didn't need that name.

That's interesting.

Mary, I've got to talk to you about my problem.

Well, Ted, don't you think it's a little... Oh, I'm sure he won't mind. Go

ahead. You can't speak to Georgette.

Georgette is Ted's wife.

She's upset about David.

And that's their son they adopted last year. So he's having a little trouble in

school. She's making a mountain out of a molehill. Don't tell me.

It's a little hill with moles.

One little thing happened, and she actually wants me to take him to a

psychologist. Well, Ted, I don't see that there's anything wrong with that. I

mean, if David's having problems with his schoolwork... Mary, now, you may not

believe this, but I had trouble in school, too.

Look at me.

Today, I make more money than all those brainy, straight -C students put

together.

I'm glad I finally caught up with you.

Hi, Mary. Hi, Georgette. Georgette, this is Morris Bender.

How do you do?

Ted, will you look at this report card? All bees.

I thought I told you not to take things out of my scrapbook.

This is David's.

He's failing every subject.

I went to see his teacher, and she said he never pays any attention.

And in class, he's always daydreaming.

I think he needs some help.

I'm not taking David to a shrink.

Ted, come on. It's just a child psychologist.

I don't care how old he is.

I don't care what you say. I've already made an appointment and I'm taking him

there tomorrow.

I'm going to find out why he's getting such bad grades.

Excuse me for butting in.

I'm an old man and I've seen one or two things in my lifetime.

And sometimes there's a reason why a child is not doing well in school.

And it's very simple.

But no one ever thinks of it. What's that?

He could be stupid.

Nice wood.

Ted, will you please sit down?

The psychologist will tell us everything when he's through.

That's, uh, my son in there. There's nothing wrong with him. He's a truthful

kid. He's just in for a six -month checkup.

I'm sure he is.

Most of the children who come in here are quite normal.

Gee, that, honey, there's nothing to worry about.

Of course, there are exceptions.

Oh? Like the little boy we had in last week.

For his eighth birthday, his parents gave him an electronic hobby set.

He built a time bomb.

Blew the roof right off the house.

Fortunately, they weren't home at the time.

Oh, that's good.

Late yesterday, the cat came down in Toronto.

Oh, excuse me.

I don't know what we're doing here anyway.

You don't push a kid in a direction he doesn't belong.

Not every kid was meant to be a fifth -grade graduate.

I'm telling you, Georgette, no son of mine needs a psychologist.

Ted, you have to realize this has nothing to do with you.

David's problem isn't your fault.

You're a terrific father, a great husband, and a wonderful provider.

That's right.

I do bring in 50 Gs a year.

You told me it was 30.

Yeah, right, right, 30.

How'd it go, son?

Oh, okay, I guess.

The doctor would like to see you both.

David, you sit over there. We'll be right out, okay?

Okay.

Mr. Baxter, Mrs. Baxter, won't you sit down?

Now, giving your son an exhaustive amount of tests... Wait a second, Doc.

Before you get started, let me get one thing straight.

I'm not impressed with any of this psychoanalytic mumbo -jumbo.

To me, the whole business is just silly.

Child psychology, $40 an hour.

How's a kid going to get that kind of money?

I don't want any stranger telling me about my son. I don't want anybody

me my son's neglected or that he needs love. He happens to come from a very

loving home. Shut up, Georgia.

This is nothing to break our crayons over.

Now, as I was saying, I've given your son exhaustive tests.

Aptitude, adaptability, comprehension.

And it seems that he's in the genius category.

He has an IQ of 160.

160?

That's more than mine.

ask you a theoretical question.

Let's assume that someone has a kid with an incredible IQ and that someone

wasn't great in the fifth grade.

Do you think they would cause any problems between the two?

No problems at all, Mr. Baxter.

As long as the parent is a reasonably secure, mature, well -adjusted adult.

Boy, are we in trouble.

For what?

For telling me about that book, The Importance of Being Selfish. I was up

night reading it, and I realize now the amount of time I have spent in my life

accommodating people.

I mean, this book really teaches you that the first person you have to worry

about is yourself.

Otherwise, you're no good to anyone else.

Terrific. Boy, this is really amusing.

Why? What is? Well, I'm the one that told you about the book, and I want to

you if you'll cover for me tonight.

Ask me.

Would you cover for me tonight?

Not on your life.

Oh, Murphy, it feels so good.

Come on, Mary, I'm not kidding. I really have to leave early.

In your hat, Baldy.

Come on, the book said just be selfish, not mean.

Yeah, you're right, Murr. I guess I did go too far. I mean, I read it so fast,

but I am supposed to turn you down, aren't I? Well, the book was very clear

stating that there are times when you can make exceptions.

Oh, good. Then it's all right for me to cover for you tonight?

Yes. Oh, thanks, Murr. You're welcome.

Why did you say no to me on the phone last night?

I really needed you to help me out, Mary.

I think I created a Frankenstein.

Well, what did you want her to do, Lou?

Take Morris to Mount Rushmore for three days.

You don't even have to bring him back. Just take him.

Great news, everybody.

Lou, have a cigar.

Murray, Baron, guess what?

You found a box of cigars.

Better than that, my son David is a genius.

But why was he having so much trouble in school?

Well, according to the child psychologist, he was bored.

It wasn't challenging enough for him, so he wasn't paying any attention.

He's got an IQ of 160.

He could be going to college today.

Though he might have a little trouble getting girls.

Well, how does Georgette feel about it? Well, she took him to school to enroll

him in a special class for advanced children.

I should have known he was a genius.

Last night when he was saying his prayers, he stopped and said, Am I going

fast for you?

Ted, don't you think you're making too big a deal out of all this?

After all, in case somebody can't hold a dog...

I can't take you to Mount Rushmore.

Oh, that's all right.

Who wants to look at a lot of old stone faces anyway?

Come out of my office, Morris.

You sure it's no bother?

It's no bother.

Hi, everybody.

Hi. Hi. Hi.

So, how was the new school?

You should have seen it, Ted. They made such a fuss over David.

Did they?

All the children are so smart. A nine -year -old girl gave me directions to

ladies' room in Latin.

I finally had to ask a handyman.

How do you like the school, David?

Oh, I think it's real neat.

Now we have classmates I can relate to, and I think that's very, very important.

Yes, I can understand that.

I think people usually get along with other people whose IQs are...

Closer to their own.

Don't you agree, Dad?

Indubitably. Now, for instance, I'm sure the reason you get along so well with

Mr. Slaughter here is because your IQ is probably very close to his.

Interesting theory.

What's your IQ?

Go ahead and tell him, Mayor.

Most people's IQs are lower than David's. Doesn't mean anything, so

as smart as he is. Go ahead, tell him.

118. How about yours, Mr. Slaughter?

125.

You see, very... Very close.

That's why you get along so well together.

And nice little IQs they are, too.

Nothing to be embarrassed about.

What's yours, Dad?

You really want to know?

Yes, I do.

Okay. Father to son, no secrets. I'll tell you.

My IQ is 190.

Oh, sorry, I... I've got to go to the studio.

But, Dad, Albert Einstein's IQ is only 185.

Oh, we know much more now than they did then.

Hi, Torchette. Come on in.

Hi, Mary.

What are you reading?

The Importance of Being Selfish. It's a book about how a person should worry

about her own problems without getting involved in other people's. Really

terrific. Goodbye, Mary.

Come on in.

What's on your mind?

Are you sure it's okay?

I could find somebody who hasn't read the book yet. No, come on in. Sit down.

Well, I hate to bother you, but I really don't know what to do, Mary.

What's wrong?

Everything.

Ted and I should never have taken David to see that child psychologist.

Well, I thought you were so pleased to find out David's bright.

Oh, I was, but Ted doesn't know how to deal with it.

It's like he's afraid of him now.

And David knows it and takes advantage of it.

I mean, Ted's so impressed with him that he lets him do whatever he wants to.

If David wants to stay up till midnight, Ted lets him. If David doesn't want to

eat his dinner, Ted doesn't make him.

Yesterday, he wanted his allowance doubled.

And Ted gave it to him?

Oh, come on. You can only push Ted so far.

Want some coffee?

Yes, thanks.

You know, David used to be such a sweet boy.

Now he's spoiled rotten.

He talks back, he throws temper tantrums, and he calls Ted the silver

And Ted just laughs at it.

Couldn't you talk to him for me?

Me? Yes.

Explain to him that even though David may be brighter than other children,

still a child and needs discipline just as much if not more than other children,

and that Ted can't be intimidated by him or else he's shirking his

responsibility as a father.

Georgette, why don't you talk to him?

I wouldn't know what to say.

Say...

Listen, Mayor, is it okay if I let David sit in the control booth?

It's something that I promised him. I know it's against the rules, but... Yes,

Ted, fine.

Okay. Then after the show, I promised him he could take one of the cameras

apart.

Well, he could probably put it back together.

I don't care what you say. I want to go.

want to go. We'll see what your father has to say about this. Hey, hey, what's

going on? I promised my mother I'd bring the baby over. David insists that I

take him to the museum instead.

They have a terrific exhibit, Dad. I want to see it and she won't take me.

mean.

What do you think, Miss Richards?

Don't you think she should take me to the museum?

David,

I think this is something your parents have to decide.

That's right. It's our responsibility.

Ted, talk to him. Use your authority.

Okay.

David, your mother wants to visit with her mother, and I think she should.

If you want to go to the museum, I'll take you tomorrow.

I don't want to go tomorrow.

I want to go now.

Kid's got a point, Georgette.

Maybe you ought to take him to the museum.

Ted, you have to be firm.

Okay, okay.

Georgette, take that kid to the museum.

David, don't you ever use that word in front of your mother.

It just means I hate her.

Dad.

All right, David, come on with me.

Where are we going?

To get spanked. Oh, come on, Dad, that's old -fashioned.

So am I.

Lou, you've got to do me a favor.

Hi, Mr. Rick.

Hi, David. How are you? Lou. What?

I've got to use your office just for a few minutes.

What do you want my office for?

I've got to spank my kid.

You don't want to spank David.

Yes, I do.

You got a hairbrush handy?

What would he be doing with a hairbrush?

I've got to do it, Lou.

He just made Georgette cry, and I'm his father, and it's my duty to teach him a

lesson. Okay, I understand.

You wouldn't want to spank him for me, would you, Lou?

No, Ted, I'll be outside.

Well, okay.

Let's get this over with.

David, you're a very smart little boy.

But it's a lot more being smart than just having a high IQ.

What you did out there just now, making your mother cry, was not smart. That was

dumb. I know.

I also know, even though I'm still learning how to be a father, what I have

do now is right.

Now, you're a lot smarter than I am, a lot cuter than I am.

I've only got one thing going for me.

I'm bigger than you are.

Come on.

Okay, Dad.

Now, don't hold this against me because this is for your own good.

Okay.

Just try to understand I'm trying to be a good father.

I also want you to be a good son.

Now, your mother loved you.

Are you all right, Dad?

I'm fine.

I didn't want to hurt you, but you had that coming to you.

Don't cry, Dad.

David, don't ever make me do this again. I can't take it.

I won't, Dad. I'm sorry.

I'm sorry I had to spank you.

You know something, Dad?

What?

though I just spanked you?

Well, spare the rod and you spoil the child.

Spare the rod and spoil the child.

That's genius.

You're a genius.