Original subtitles

Who can turn the world on with her fly?

Who can take a nothing day and suddenly make it all

seem worthwhile?

Well, it's you, girl, and you should know it.

With each glance and every little movement you show it, love is all

need to waste it. You can have the town, why don't you take it?

You're gonna make it after all.

You're gonna make it after all.

Mine might bring in the baby.

Mine? I should say not.

I hope

it

wasn't something I said.

Don't take it personally, Mary.

No, no, I wouldn't do that.

Ted takes it personally.

He thinks I'll make him teed off with him.

Oh, Georgette, she's beautiful. You must be so proud.

Oh, thank you, Mary.

But let's face it, babies are all alike.

Every mother carries on as though her baby is the most beautiful and the

smartest and the sweetest.

I'm determined not to be one of those mothers who goes around babbling about

cute and adorable her baby is, even though my baby is unbelievably cute and

adorable.

Especially this morning. She blew this beautiful little bubble through her

and it must have stayed there for about 30 seconds. And as soon as the bubble

burst, she made the funniest little noise like this.

Oh.

But you don't see me talking about it. No, that's right, I don't.

how wonderful it is, but I feel really good about it. You know, it's something

I've been wanting to do.

Oh, gee, I think that's terrific, Mary.

Except that writing is so difficult.

I mean, you have to think of something to write that's never been written

before.

That's right.

I'm not writing a novel, though. I'm just writing an article about my

grandfather and what a marvelous old character he was.

Have you ever written before, Mary?

I took a creative writing course in college. The professor seemed to think I

some flair.

Anyway, it's one of those things I just wanted to try but never got around to.

Oh, gee.

Just thinking, maybe someday you'll be a famous author.

Well, no, I wouldn't count on it, Georgette. It's a little late for that.

Mary, don't sell yourself short.

Just because you're not a kid anymore doesn't mean you can't wind up being one

of the great ones.

32 isn't so darn old, you know.

Well, I'm 37, Georgette.

Well, in that case, you better get the lead out.

Hi, honey, you live around here?

Hey, Ted, look, do me a favor, will you?

Watch the door and let me know if you see Mary.

She wrote something here. I want to finish reading before she gets back.

very good. Oh, sure.

She's at Mayday, Mayday.

Hi,

hi, Mary.

Oh, Murray, I can't believe you'd go sneaking into my drawer and invade my

privacy like that.

Well, what can I say, Mary?

Look, I've seen you writing something and then hiding it in that drawer all

week, and my curiosity just got the best of me. Oh, I see. I leave an article in

my drawer, and that somehow makes your lack of character my fault? Is that it,

Murray?

What is it, Murray?

Little bugger was messing with your purse, too, Mary. You better count your

money.

I'm guilty, Mary. Guilty as charged.

That's really a terrific article, though. It's very good. Murray, whether

good, bad, or indifferent in no way affects what you've done. You've

the trust.

Terrific, Murray, or just very good?

Really terrific.

I couldn't believe you had this kind of talent. You really liked it? I loved it.

Especially that part when your grandfather went walking on the roof so

kids would think he was Santa Claus.

Mary, I can't tell you what it means to me to get the opinion of someone whose

judgment I respect.

As long as you can stop hinting, Mary, I'll read it.

Oh, hey, Lou, Mary's written a terrific article.

Oh, that's nice.

Would you like to read it, Mr. Grant?

No. Well, Mr. Grant, I realize that you're very busy, but it's only five

It won't take up much of your time. It already has, Mary.

That's not the reason I don't want to read it. I don't want to read it.

Because if I tell you I don't like it, your feelings will be hurt. You'll wind

up hating me. Mary, Mary.

Writers feel about their work the way mothers feel about their babies.

Which reminds me. I still haven't bought a baby gift for Ted and Georgette. I

don't know what to get. It's driving me nuts.

I don't suppose you'd care to go shopping for me? I'm sure we could work

something out, Mr. Grant.

What does that mean?

If I read it, you'll do my shopping?

Oh, Mary, that's not fair.

Oh, come on, Mr. Grant. You're overlooking the very distinct

she just might like my story. And besides, I can certainly take

criticism from a good friend.

I mean, far from hating you, I would love you all the more for it. Oh, Mary.

Grant, I think you'll like it. Oh, Mary, no. Would you just trust me?

Oh, no. Okay, all right.

Ted, can I have your article, please? Oh, sure.

Mary, I loved it. If the rest of it's as good as that first paragraph, you've

got to win.

Thank you.

It's not perfect.

That's right, Mary.

It isn't perfect.

That's the whole critique?

Mr. Grant, I don't feel that not perfect really tells me very much.

You're right, Mary.

It's bad.

Well,

bad is one of those words that could mean...

Interesting, but flawed.

Well -paced, but erratically structured.

It stinks, Mary.

It stinks. It's not quite as ambiguous as that.

You wanted my honest opinion.

Mr. Grant, could you be a little more specific?

What about it isn't first -rate?

Uh, the, um, the, uh... The

first paragraph... The first paragraph, okay, I had the feeling when I was

writing it. The second paragraph, uh, the second paragraph isn't first rate.

The third paragraph isn't first rate.

You're really having a good time, aren't you, Mr. Grant?

Believe me, Mary.

I wish I had liked your article. I really do.

Oh, sure.

But you kept insisting that I tell you exactly how I felt, and that's exactly

what I did.

By saying it stinks. Well, it does. What do you want me to say?

Well, I don't know, Mr. Penn. You could have said it isn't your cup of tea, it

didn't strike your fancy, it wasn't quite up to snuff.

No, I couldn't.

Let me tell you something, Mary.

Besides 12 -year -old scotch and playing high -stakes poker with really dumb

guys, there aren't a lot of things that I love.

Good writing is wonderful.

Do you know what really good writing is?

I thought I did. Apparently I was mistaken.

There was a desert wind blowing that night.

It was one of those hot, dry Santa Anas that come down through the mountain

passes and curl your hair and make your nerves jump and your skin itch.

On nights like that, every booze party ends in a fight.

Meek little wives feel the edge of the carving knife and study their husbands'

necks.

Anything can happen.

Raymond Chandler.

Makes you want to read on, doesn't he?

He writes well about the weather.

Mr. Grant, that's a piece of fiction. It's not fair to compare fiction to non

-fiction.

You're telling me that sap in your story is a real person?

Josiah Wallace was my grandfather.

What? He really sang Christmas carols all year round? Yes.

And carved leprechauns out of apples? Yes.

And sent cards to all the presidents on their birthdays?

All true.

It's all boring.

liked it very much, and Murray is a professional writer.

Oh, Mary, Murray likes you so much. He likes everything you do.

Well, maybe, Mr. Grant, just maybe that's what real friendship is all

I'm sorry, Mary. I wish I had liked it.

I suppose you had your heart set on sending it to a magazine, didn't you?

I did, and I still do. Read a digest, as a matter of fact.

Just because you don't like it, Mr. Grant, doesn't mean it stinks.

You're not like most people, Mr. Grant.

Most people love reading about delightful, warm -hearted old men.

You don't happen to. All right, that's your privilege. It doesn't mean that

you're right. It doesn't mean that I'm right.

It does mean, however, that you can do your own damn baby shopping.

Hey, did you happen to watch Sammy and Company on TV last night?

Uh, no, Ted. Somehow I missed it. Ah, that's too bad.

You know, Sammy Davis is kind of a profound guy once you get past the tap

dancing.

He and some famous writers were plugging their books, so I thought maybe you

tuned in to watch. Sammy Davis had writers on his show? Sure. Who?

Oh, Doris Day, Lawrence Welk, Diddy Ernest, Cab Calloway.

Sort of got me to thinking maybe I ought to write my memoirs.

I mean, after all, I'm good -looking, virile, well -turned -out, money to

And I'm not into booze or drugs or any of that weird hanky -panky with men,

women, or farm animals.

Hey, Ted, maybe it would be a good idea.

You would be the first person who ever wrote a book without ever having read

one.

I've read lots of books, Murray. Name one.

Black Beauty.

How could I have doubted you, my dear?

Oh, Murray.

A letter from Rita's Digest.

I'm too nervous, you read it.

Well, I'm too nervous. Here, you read it.

Will you come

on? All right, all right.

The answer is...

Dear Miss Richards, thank you very much for submitting your article to us.

We regret that we are unable to publish it in our magazine at this time.

That's really lousy. Yeah, you're right. Let me try it again. Dear Miss

Richards.

George, the dinner was delicious.

Oh, thank you, Mary. Why don't you go sit in the living room and I'll bring

coffee.

Toothpick, Mary?

We got plenty.

Thank you.

Feeling better, Mary?

Oh, yeah. Much better. That's good. You shouldn't be depressed about that

Reader's Digest thing. It's the way life is.

Sometimes you win, sometimes you lose.

Sometimes you're sitting on top of the world.

Sometimes you're down at dumps.

Sometimes your life is a symphony.

Sometimes life is a...

Disgusting noise.

Exactly.

Here we are.

I baked these macaroons myself.

Oh!

Macaroons? Why don't you tell me, Georgette? I just finished picking my

didn't I, Mary?

I really didn't notice, Tanner.

I'm just telling Mary she shouldn't let what happened get her down.

No, I'm not going to. I'm going to send that article off to every magazine I can

think of.

That's great, Mary. You could send it to the New Yorker, Cosmopolitan, Good

Housekeeping, Collier's.

Well, Ted, Collier's has been out of business for years.

With all due respect, Mary, so has your grandfather.

Excuse me.

I just bought the baby a little gift. I want to bring it right over.

Hi, Ted.

Hi, Lou.

Hi, Mary.

Hello, Mr. Grant.

Yeah, I sure hope she likes this. I didn't know what to get, and nobody

help me.

I went to about ten different stores.

I hope she doesn't already have one.

Oh, I don't think so.

Oh, thank you, Lou.

It's really...

Beautiful, Lou. It's something she's always wanted.

It's a good thing you didn't wake up the kid to see this.

Listen, Lou, sit down, have your coffee, enjoy yourselves. I've got work to do.

I'm busy writing the story of my life.

Story of your life?

What are you up to? The part where you came in with the blue walrus.

I think I'll put this in the baby's room. When she wakes up, I'll tell her

from you, Lou.

Georgette, he won't have to. It looks just like him.

Hey, Mary, come on. Let's be friends again.

I don't know what you mean, Mr. Grant. Aren't we friends?

Oh, come on, Mary.

You haven't smiled once at me in nearly two weeks.

It's because you haven't done anything worth smiling at in two weeks.

I'm going to get a smile out of you.

Oh, do you have a plan? Yeah.

Yeah, I'm going to tickle you. That's my plan.

I'm not ticklish, Mr. Grant.

Everybody is ticklish.

My, are there no...

to the areas of your expertise.

You ready, Mary?

Huh?

Then here goes.

Stay mad.

But you know why you're mad at me?

Because you know I'm right about that article.

I know no such thing. Well, when you hear from Reader's Digest, then you

Well, it just so happens, Mr. Grant, I already heard from Reader's Digest.

Turned you down, didn't he?

Oh, boy, you are so sure of yourself.

Well, Mr. Grant, I've got news for you. They bought it.

What do you think of that?

They bought it.

They bought it.

They bought it. Check's on its way.

They bought it.

That thing about the old coot who carved stuff out of marshmallows?

Apples, Mr. Grant, and the old coot was my grandfather.

Well, if they bought it... They bought it.

They bought it?

They bought it.

Well, what can I say except congratulations, Mary?

I was never so happy to be proved wrong in my life.

That's really something.

Getting the first story you ever wrote published in Reader's Digest?

I gotta be

going.

It's nice seeing you, Georgette. I hope the baby likes her gift.

Tell Ted I said goodnight.

Oh, say goodnight, Lou.

Yeah.

Mary, you lied.

I know I lied.

I never heard you lie before. Well, I was just so angry with him.

But you lied.

I never believed you could do such a thing.

Were you lying when you said you thought my baby was the cutest thing you ever

saw?

Did you lie when you said you liked that new blue dress I bought? No, Georgette,

of course not.

How about when you said you were 37?

Any

luck?

Three rejections.

Oh, all right, Mary. I mean, so you...

Couldn't sell an article. It's not the end of the world.

Oh, Murr, it's not the rejections that bother me.

It's the fact that I lied to Mr. Grant. I never did that.

It really makes me feel rotten. I mean, how could I just have lied like that?

How's Republican Magazine? What's that?

Well, they wanted to buy my article, too.

But I had to tell them that Reader's Digest already bought it.

Again, Murray, it's habit -forming.

One lie leads to another.

I'm going to put a stop to it right now.

Yeah?

Mr. Grant.

So, what's happening to that article of yours? When has Reader's Digest printed

it?

December.

Or June. They haven't decided yet.

What are they paying for an article these days?

Oh, about the same as always.

You know, we haven't really decided on a price yet. You know, they made an

offer, and, you know, I'm holding out for a little more money.

Smart move.

Yeah. They ask you to write any more?

kicking around with one of the associate editors, and he... He, uh...

I'm lying, Mr. Grant.

I knew that.

How did you know? Your face turned beet red.

You stammered. Your entire body began to quiver.

Now, you were either lying or I'm a hell of a lot sexier than I thought.

I just want you to know that the reason I lie... Because you hurt me. Oh, I

didn't hurt you. Yes, you did. You hurt me.

Mary, I don't know how you want to be treated.

How do you want me to act?

Huh?

Like this?

Ted, get in here.

Ted also gave me something to read.

What is it, Lou?

You found out we took back the walrus.

I didn't want to do it. It was Georgette. She insisted I exchange it

sports shirt.

Ted, it's not that.

I've just been reading your book.

It's brilliant. I was a little worried about chapter three.

Marvelous chapter.

What was your favorite sentence?

Well, it's really hard to say. They were both very good.

Thank you.

of its type I've ever read.

I didn't think you had it in you, you old wordsmith.

Say what you will about the big fella.

You can always trust him to level with you.

You see, Mary, Ted's writing is lousy, even worse than yours.

But when you brought yours to me, I respected you enough to tell you the

Would you rather I had treated you like I treated Ted?

Huh? Would you prefer that I patronize you like some idiot?

Shower you with empty compliments?

Huh? Pump up your ego like you were some empty -headed, bumbling, brainless

boob? Is that what you want?

God, yes.

Okay.

Mary, I love your story.

Why, thank you, Mr. Crow.

Neutral.

See you tomorrow, Ted.

My executive producer said, see you tomorrow.

Ted?

Gee, Ted, it's 8 .30. Are you still working on your book?

My producer came in and asked, gee, Ted, it's 8 .30. Are

you still working?

Look.

Ted, why don't you knock it off? Ted, why don't you knock it off?

The three of them walk.

The greatest autobiography the world will ever read.