Original subtitles

Who can turn the world on with her smile?

Who can take a nothing day and suddenly make it all

seem worthwhile?

Well, it's you, girl, and you should know it.

With each glance and every little movement you show it, love is all

need to waste it. You can have the town, why don't you take it?

You're gonna make it after all

You're gonna make it after

all

on a show dealing with the dangers of overweight, and this is what you bring

Mary, dear, this is low -calorie cooking.

These eclairs are only 740 calories.

Anybody else's are 750.

But I have a little secret.

I water my vanilla.

The point is, Mary, I don't enjoy being insulted, at least not on camera.

Sue Ann was insulted?

What did they get you on?

Your personality, your morality, or your age?

Oh, if you really want an answer, I could write it backwards on your head

you could read it in a mirror where you could... Mary, what happened?

Well, the doctor who was being interviewed on the show got really upset

saw what Sue Ann had baked. He started...

talking about how those things contain these little fatty cholesterol balls

can clog the arteries and block the flow of blood.

I mean, he said that kind of cooking can kill a person.

Hey, Ted, how'd the pastry?

Are you kidding? After what that doctor said?

I'm not putting any more fat on my body.

Well, I wouldn't worry, Ted. It all goes to your head anyway.

Hey, Ted, how's Georgette?

She's on her way over now.

She stops by the doctor. Oh, that's right. She's almost due, isn't she? She

better be.

You know, during the last few months of pregnancy, you can't even... Yeah, yeah.

Of course, the doctor doesn't say you can't. He does suggest... Yeah, right.

Boy,

now, one of those monks prays so much.

We all get together for dinner and watch the show tomorrow night. Well, that's

very nice of her. Not really. She's inviting everyone to my place.

Well, I'll check with Marie.

Sure.

Hi, Mary.

Hi, Georgia.

How are you feeling?

Stuffed.

I know it's one of life's great experiences to carry another human being

of you, but I've been doing it for nearly nine months now, and I wish the

bozo would get off the stick.

Hi, honey.

Hi, Teddy.

Will, what's it going to be?

Any guesses?

Well, whatever it is, we're prepared. We're attending classes.

Sit down, sweetheart.

That's right.

Ted wants to participate in the whole thing. Look, I got this for when

goes into labor. It's a stopwatch. It's for counting and timing the

contractions.

Boy, this is a lot of fun, Murray.

You don't even time anything with this. Try it.

Okay.

I'm going to see how long it takes before you say something stupid.

Is that an insult?

Three seconds.

Not bad.

Hi, Georgia. How are you feeling?

Fine, man.

Hey, this looks interesting.

Yeah.

Somebody wanted the vanilla.

Oh, Mary.

Mary's got a committee meeting tomorrow night. She just can't get away, so I'll

be coming by myself. Come where?

Oh, Mary's throwing a party so we can all watch her special.

What time do you want us to be there?

Well, listen, I'd love to have both of you, but I imagine, you know, with the

baby almost due, you probably don't want to make any plans.

Oh, that's not true, Mary.

It could happen now or it could take three weeks. So please let us come.

It's either your party or another evening of listening to Ted talk baby

my stomach.

Well, okay, terrific.

So, Mary, I'll see you tomorrow night. Okay, good.

Bye, Teddy Bear.

Bye, Georgette.

Goodbye, Winnie, Winnie, Winnie, Winnie.

Hey, Murr. Yeah?

What do you say you and I have an early lunch today?

Oh, sure, no, sure.

Boy, this is so good.

Murr, do you think Mr. Grant's been putting on a little weight lately?

I don't know why.

Father, that doctor just has me upset the way...

Kept talking about how unhealthy it is to be overweight.

Mary, you can't talk to Lou about his weight problem.

I mean, you know how sensitive he is about his appearance.

Remember the time you told him his tie was too narrow? He ripped it off and

threw it at you?

Now you're going to tell him that there's something wrong with his body?

Sir, I am not afraid to tell him what's on my mind.

Mr.

Grant? What is it, Mary?

Nice tie.

All right, thank you very much.

Mr. Vann, I know this is probably none of my business, but when I saw you take

those chocolate eclairs, I had to come in here. Oh!

Oh, you want a bite?

What's the matter? It's delicious.

No, I'm sure. I just, I don't care for any right now.

Oh, it's not because I took a bite out of it. Oh, no!

Really,

what I wanted to talk to you about... If you offered me a bite, I'd take one.

Yeah, I'm sure you would.

Mr. Grant, do we really have to keep talking about this? Yeah.

If somebody turns down a good homemade eclair, there's got to be a good reason.

For example, one reason might... Okay, okay.

You didn't have to take such a big bite.

What do you want to talk to me about?

You come in here to eat or talk?

Mr. Grant, would you sit down?

We did a show today on how unhealthy it is to be overweight.

Terrific. Terrific.

There's a lot of people walking around out there with too much blubber on them.

Good.

I'm really glad to hear you feel that way, Mr. Grant, because don't you think

that people who care about those overweight people should tell them?

Not necessarily.

How come not necessarily?

Because I'm beginning to catch on, that's why.

Do you think I'm fat, Mary? Oh, Mr. Grant, see, there you go. You always use

harsh word when I don't want to, when actually I want to, you know, use a...

any word you use would mean fat.

Well, I guess you take it that way.

Mary, I'd rather you didn't tell me that I was fat.

Well, I think we've already gone past that, Mr. Grant. I think that I already

have sort of said that you were... No, no, no, not yet.

Not yet.

We can always go back.

You can walk out that door.

We can both pretend that you just came in here for a bite of my chocolate

eclair. We can still remain friends.

Be smart. Let's pretend.

I can't.

You've got to lose some weight.

Well, you didn't.

You called me fat.

What do you think?

That I don't have any feelings? Huh? You think I don't care about my appearance?

Huh? Is that what you think?

How would you like it if I insulted you, huh? I started discussing your faults.

I'm just trying to help you. Right.

But first let me help you with some of your faults.

Let me sit down, Mary.

Don't look so confused.

You think you don't have any faults?

Mary Chipmunk Cheeks.

Marry no folks? Every little strand in place?

Let's all go on a self -improvement kick.

What do you say?

I'll lose some weight, and you lose some teeth.

You must have 50 or 60 of them.

Are you quite finished, Mr. Grant?

Yes.

seem to have felt some need to hurt me because I'm trying to help you.

But I won't respond by insulting you. I'm simply going to try to bear in mind

that some people, when hurt, say things they can't possibly mean.

I really hate it when you get classy.

How very unfortunate.

I am not fat. You are, too.

Okay. I'll do what you want. I'll do without food or drink. Nothing. No food

drink. Okay?

Satisfied? Starting today, I'm fat.

Nothing? Is that it? Anything else? No.

Yes.

I also came in here to invite you to dinner tomorrow night.

Well, how you

doing, Georgette?

Pretty good, Murray.

But I'm getting tired of being kicked in the stomach by a stranger.

Indian women are smart.

They carry them on their back, you know.

Hang in there.

Dinner's almost ready.

Hi. Hey, Lou. Hi, Mr. Grant. Hi.

Am I late? No, no. We're just about to have dinner. Well, I'll just sit and

watch you thin folks eat.

Mr. Grant, please. Please don't start that again. You see, Mary thinks

I should lose weight.

Oh, nonsense, Lou.

Your body's perfect. I wouldn't touch it.

If I did, I wouldn't stop.

Well, Mary thinks that. Dinner is served.

Oh, great.

Are you going to keep this up all night? Of course not, Mary. You ought to know

better than that.

Fat people are jolly.

Boy, doesn't this look good.

Oh, look at all that.

Hey, Mary, tell me.

Do you think a single raw carrot would put any more ugly fat on me?

Not if you stuck it in your nose.

What did you say, Mary? Nothing. I said nothing.

You see, fat people sometimes have hearing problems. Oh, Mr. Grant, stop.

Mary, are you trying to tell me not to... Excuse me.

I hate to interrupt, and I don't mean to spoil your fun.

And it's certainly no comment on the dinner, because it's delicious, and

have to give me your recipe sometime, Mary.

But right now, I think I'm going to have a baby.

George, I think you should sit down. No, no.

Hold it.

Hold it.

I'll handle this.

Everybody, sit down. Sit, sit, sit.

Sit.

I've been trained for just this moment.

The first thing to do is to be calm.

Everybody, don't lose your head. No panic, okay?

Now, sweetheart, tell me what your symptoms are, okay?

Ted, don't you think we should call a doctor? Shouldn't we do something? Mary,

don't want to slap you.

Now, we need absolute calm.

Okay?

Keep a hold of yourself, all right?

I'm sorry, Tom.

All right, Georgia. Just tell me what your symptoms are.

It's okay now. It stopped.

It went away.

But for a second, it was like my stomach got very pushed out and someone had

tied a belt around it real tight.

Oh, I heard that.

But Mary explained it to me.

You just don't quit, do you?

All right, let's see.

Stomach pushed out, belt tight, went away.

Got it.

I'll call Dr. Morton and report my preliminary findings.

Okay.

Mary, would you mind if I got a breath of fresh air? No, no, come on, I'll go

with you. I'm sorry to ruin everybody's evening. Why not?

Well, I'm having a wonderful time.

I never realized the last stage of pregnancy could be so stimulating.

Almost as stimulating as the first.

You know, I helped deliver a baby once in a war.

We were under fire in a small farmhouse in the south of France.

The local girl went into labor.

We had a medic with us, but he was just a kid and plenty nervous.

But he did the job.

He stretched her out on the straw with her head resting on a big cheese.

I helped him, and she was so grateful she wanted to give us something.

But all the poor girl had was eight gross of nylons and a thousand Hershey

There now, I feel much better. Thank you, everybody.

Ah, well, if you start feeling sick again, dear, just put your head down

your knees.

It's okay. There's no rush.

The doctor says this could drag on for days.

Apparently, he's been to Mary's party.

Now, you see, contractions can start or stop, especially with the first child.

But don't you worry. He and I are watching it very closely.

When your contractions get down to ten minutes apart, then it's time to go to

the hospital.

Well, wouldn't it be better to time the contractions while lying down?

Thanks, Mary, but I'm liable to fall asleep.

Really, I feel fine.

So, everybody, let's just ignore me and go on with the meal.

Please,

you're embarrassing me.

If you let me ruin this party... I'll feel terrible.

Let's just go back and start up where we were.

Well, okay.

Uh, let's, uh... What were we talking about?

Don't ask me.

You see, fat people sometimes have poor memories. Oh, we do. Come in, Mr. Grant.

There, that's more like it.

Come on, everybody. It's almost 9 o 'clock.

Mary, there is something wrong with your picture.

Well, the horizontal...

Oh, Lady Lou, first let me fix it for you.

Well, she's fine. Just resting.

Contraction's still 20 minutes apart. No change.

Look, I don't want to sound self -centered, but my show is about to come

Ted, are you saying they're 20 minutes apart?

Yeah, right.

Are you sure?

Sure am.

Well, how many have there been altogether, Ted? Ten.

Well, if there have been ten, how could they be 20 minutes apart when we've only

been here an hour?

Well, let's see. Ten goes into sixty... Oh.

Oh.

And I paid a buck and a half for this thing.

Teddy, I don't feel so good. I think I should go to the hospital. You want me

drive you?

Teddy, you better get her to the hospital. Keep calm, everybody.

Keep calm.

First I'll call the doctor and tell him to meet us there.

No, no, Ted. We'll call the doctor and you get her to the hospital now.

Oh, Mary?

I think it's too late for that.

Things have already started.

Started?

You mean the baby?

Here? Now? Oh, no, don't. Don't, Georgette. Please.

Please don't, Georgette. Not now.

Uh, Ted?

It's the doctor.

Oh.

I'm sorry. I forgot my training.

Don't worry, Georgette. Everything's going to be fine.

That's right. And we're right here with you.

you're going to have a baby.

Therefore, there are certain common sense things that should be done when

someone's going to have a baby.

Like what?

The doctor says don't try to move her when she's starting labor.

The hospital's too far.

Put her to bed and wait for him to get here.

I don't think he's going to make it. I don't think I am either.

I think somebody do something.

I can't let Lou do it all alone.

No, no, no. Never mind, never mind. I'll go in there.

Wait a minute. Oh, Mary.

You introduced me to a good -looking young guy in the elevator a couple of

months ago.

Now, didn't he say he was a doctor? Yes, he did. Oh, but, Marie, I couldn't tell

you which apartment.

Third one down the hall on the left.

I just happened to notice.

The commercial's on. I'll go get him.

Murray, shouldn't you go in there? I mean, after all, you've had children.

Marie had the children.

Look, I couldn't even watch when we adopted one.

You go in there, Mary. No, Murray, a delivery room is no place for a woman.

Somebody's got to help me.

There's something like flies in there.

I wanted to help. I really thought I could go through with it. It's okay,

It's okay. You did just fine.

I'm sure Georgette appreciated the knock -knock jokes.

Now, I'm going to need someone in there to help me.

You're not fat.

because something like this calls for a woman. Oh, no, it doesn't. Yes, it does.

But I don't have any experience. I do, I do. I remember it all from France, but

I need a woman in there.

Okay, Mr. Grant, I will. I'll try, but I never, I never, I never, I never.

Is there anything I can do? Yeah, see if you can find me a great big cheese.

So, Ann, where's the doctor?

The doctor is a Ph .D. in economics.

However, he did suggest we boil lots of water and set up a trust fund for

college.

This is the most frightening moment of my life. Why isn't Georgette here when I

need her?

Where's the doctor? What's he doing?

Well, he's busy tonight, but we're having dinner Friday.

She means the real doctor.

He's not here yet, ma 'am.

What's happening?

What's happening? The baby,

Georgette.

That's it.

That's it.

I've got to help.

I've got to go in there.

I'll study.

I'll study.

Oh, everything's going.

This is awful. I feel awful.

Why didn't somebody warn me? Childbirth is hell.

are we doing out here?

A woman is giving birth to a baby in Mary's bedroom.

I know, and it's probably the most exciting thing that'll ever happen in

I just wish there was something we can do. I mean, a baby is being born in the

next room, and we're not doing anything to help.

Taking any responsibility.

I do. I take full responsibility.

Congratulations, Ted.

George, that's fine.

You're the proud daddy of a fine, beautiful, healthy -looking baby.

Thank goodness.

What is it? A boy or a girl?

That's wonderful.

Congratulations. Congratulations?

Yeah. For what? For being a coward?

For leaving Georgette?

In her hour of need.

She'll probably never want to see my face again.

Ted, your wife and daughter would like to see you.

Daughter?

How do I look?

Like a father.

What a sweet little girl.

I've never seen anything so beautiful in my whole life.

And you did it.

Oh, come on, Mary.

I did nothing that a competent surgeon couldn't have done.

I really think you're terrific, Lou Grant.

This is a very sweet moment, Mary.

Yeah, it is.

I can't wait for it to end.

How are they, doctor?

They're fine.

I want to congratulate you both.

You must have done everything right.

May I use the phone?

Yes, it's right over there.

Thank you.

Hey, when did Murray and Sue Ann leave? I never said goodbye.

Oh, well, I did. You sort of had your hands full.

Hey, I'm a daddy, I'm a daddy. Have a cigarette.

We're on the way to the hospital now. Oh, incidentally, Georgette and I have

been talking and...

We want to name the baby Mary Lou.

Sorry, big fella, but Lou Mary sounded dumb.

Nice meeting you both.

Same, doctor.

Just a minute, please.

Thanks for the party, Mary. We had a wonderful time.