Original subtitles

Who can turn the world on with her smile?

Who can take a nothing day and suddenly make it all seem worthwhile?

Well, it's you, girl, and you should know it.

With each glance and every little movement you show it. Love is all alone,

need to waste it. You can never tell, why don't you take it?

You're gonna make it after...

Mrs. Morgenstern?

It's Rhoda's mother from New York.

She says she can't talk long because somebody's waiting to vandalize her

booth. Mrs. Morgenstern, how are you?

Well, no, I'm not busy Thursday night so far. Why?

Tony Kramer is coming into town.

I don't know Tony Kramer.

What do you mean, would I lie to?

No, Mrs.

Morgenstern, I really...

Hello, Tony.

Thursday night.

Uh, yeah, sure. Thursday will be fine.

Eight o 'clock.

Well, thank you. It was nice talking to you, too.

Bye -bye.

Listen, uh, Mrs.

Morgenstern.

Yes, he did. He sounded very nice. But Mrs.

No, you're right, Mrs.

Morgenstern. I'm not.

Bye.

You're not what, ma 'am?

Getting any younger.

Hey, guys.

Everybody, you've got to hear this. The most exciting thing that's ever happened

to me.

Come on in, Lou. Great news.

What is it now, Ted?

Oh, Lou.

How come every time I come to you to say something, you say, what is it now,

Ted? Like I'm going to say something dumb.

How come every time I see a duck, I expect it to quack?

Ah, you answer my question first.

Newsflash, Ted.

All right, all right.

I just got a call from this guy. He's coming up to meet me now.

He's setting up a school for broadcasters, and he wants to use my

The Ted Baxter Famous Broadcasting School.

It'll be right here in Minneapolis to start, but it could spread all over the

country. Unless they find a vaccine for it.

Look, Ted, if you want to get involved in this, that's your business.

But don't you get the station mixed up in it, understand?

Right, Lou.

Me in, station out. Check.

You know, this kind of thing takes a long time to set up, and a lot of money,

too. I mean, if it doesn't work out, you could lose your shirt. But that's the

beauty of it, Mayor.

This guy Marsh has all the experience and the money.

All he wants from me is my reputation.

Well, in that case, you've got nothing to lose.

There he is.

How you doing, partner?

Great.

Hey, everybody, I want you to meet Alan Marge.

Al, this is my entourage.

Wait a minute.

Don't tell me. Let me guess.

Lou Grant, Mary Richards, and Murray Slaughter, right?

You know, Ted's told me so much about all you guys, I feel like I know you.

What you were doing when he discovered you, how he found you, cleaned you up.

Maybe your first breath. Oh, they don't want to hear all that.

So, Marsh, Ted tells me that you've had a lot of experience in setting up these

schools. Tell me, what do you get out of it?

Pleasure.

You know what it feels like to watch a kid off the street turn into a disc

jockey? You see, Lou, it's kind of a mission with me. I travel around, I stop

a city, I sort of...

Plant the seed, nurture it, watch it sprout.

Sounds fine.

What do you need Ted for?

Fertilizer.

That Mr.

Marsh is such a nice man.

He says one day Ted's name will be a household word, like spatula.

Come in.

Hi, Mary. Hi, Ted. Hi, Georgette.

How did your meeting go?

Mars told me that Ted Baxter's famous broadcaster school will open next week.

Gives you goosebumps, doesn't it, Mary?

Well, Ted, I have a high goosebump threshold.

Well, I guess you wouldn't know what it's like to claw your way up from the

gutter, would you, Mary? Oh, come on, Ted. You didn't claw your way up from

gutter. He clawed his way up from the middle class.

Sometimes it's tougher to claw your way up from the middle class than it is to

claw your way up from the gutter.

Isn't it wonderful, Mary?

Only in America could a man who never graduated from school own one.

Isn't it wonderful?

Mary?

Mary, look out there.

You know what that is out there?

54 Chevy?

That's my town, Mary. Minneapolis.

M -I -N -N -I -N -N -N.

I love that toddler town. My school's going to be out there, Mary.

Out there for kids who won't have to make the long, hard -growing trip to the

top that I made.

Out there for kids who want to learn the blood and guts of the broadcasting

game. Out there for any kid with dreams and ambitions and 300 bucks.

I'm going to be rich, Mary.

I'm going to have all the things that only money can buy. Happiness, good

health, spiritual fulfillment.

And then...

Then one day, I'm going to use my money to do something good for my country.

I'm going to make a huge contribution to a presidential candidate and buy myself

a political appointment.

Ted Baxter, United States ambassador to Hawaii.

This is the night, guys.

The official opening of Ted Baxter's famous broadcaster school.

I guess you guys are probably as excited as I am.

Just think.

Someday, there may be branches of Ted Baxter's famous broadcaster school all

over the country.

And this is the night when it all started.

Now you know how Colonel Sanders felt when he licked his first finger.

But you don't have to dress frowny unless you want to.

You're going to be there, aren't you, Mayor?

Well, no, Ted, I'm not. I have a date.

I promised Mrs.

Morgenstern I'd go out with this guy.

He's only going to be in town tonight. Tonight.

Marie?

No, I can't either, Ted. You see, I promised Marie I'd take her and the kids

dinner. We've had the reservation for weeks.

Lou?

I won't be there either, Ted.

Oh, Lou, why not?

Because the idea of going makes me sick to my seat.

Well, as long as you've got a good excuse.

Newsroom.

Just a minute. Uh, Ted, it's for you. It's the manager of the Regency Hotel.

Oh, thanks, ma 'am.

Hello, Ted Baxter here.

What?

Oh, well, uh, Mr. Marshall will take care of that. Why don't you contact him?

He's right there at the hotel.

He did?

Oh.

Well, I'll get back to you. Thanks a lot.

What was that about, Ted? It seems Marsh didn't pay for the banquet room at the

hotel.

And he left late last night without paying his room bill. What do you think

means, Lou? I think it means that Marsh is a con man who's taken a powder with

the school's money and left you as the fall guy for the whole scheme.

What do you think it means, Murray?

I think Lou's right.

Mary? I think Murray's right. Lou? Ted?

Well, I just don't think you'd take off like that. I mean, I've got faith in

him. How can you have faith in a guy who skipped town?

I've got to. I loaned him my car.

Boy, I guess I really made a fool of myself, taken in by a cheap con artist.

Ted, you should have known better than to trust a man whose business card lifts

aliases.

My mother was right.

When I was just a kid, just starting out in school, she took me on her knee and

she said to me, Ted, you're going to be a failure.

Oh, Murray.

Murray, what am I going to do? I mean, you've got to help me.

I mean, hundreds of people are going to be demanding their money back. I could

get arrested.

I could go to jail.

And it's not even a big enough crime to write a book about.

Don't worry, Ted. They're not going to put you in jail for something silly like

conspiracy to commit fraud.

Murray, I think you and I better talk to Mr.

Grant.

Come in.

Mr. Grant, Ted really needs help.

I've known that for ten years.

Come on, Lou. A thing like this could cause big trouble.

Look, I told Ted when he started up this whole business that he was strictly on

his own. But he's not on his own.

Mr. Grant, we are all involved.

Suppose tomorrow's headlines were to read, W .J .M. Anchorman Jailed in

Broadcast Swindle. What would your feelings be then?

Mixed.

Maybe you're right, Mary.

Yeah,

Lou?

How much will that hall for tonight cost?

$200. Say it, then you go there and tell those students what happened. I don't

have $200.

You haven't managed to save $200 on your salary?

Oh, you mean in the bank?

Ted, refund everyone's money.

What? What if 100 people signed up, Lou?

$300 a...

That's $30.

$30 ,000.

$30 ,000.

Either that or come up with a school, Ted.

You know something?

I'll bet we could.

We could? We could what? Anything as long as it doesn't cost $30 ,000.

Come up with a school.

You, Mr.

And if we all pitched in, I bet we could put on a show. Mary could make the

costumes. Mary could write the... And I'll ask my father to let us build a

stage in the bar.

We can't run a school.

Maybe for only one night.

We could look like a faculty.

If it works, Ted would get an extra week before his next class to get somebody

else to take over.

I don't know.

Oh, I could get someone in a week, Lou.

Please. Please.

What time does this class start? 8 .30. We can put something together by then.

Yeah, Lou.

Please.

Please.

Okay.

Thanks, guys.

Thanks, Lou.

I can't tell you how grateful I am.

And if ever there's anything I can do for you, remember, all you have to do is

ask. Get out of my office.

You got it, Lou.

Now we're even.

Oh, come on. We've been at this for an hour.

How difficult can it be to come up with an orientation lecture?

Where are we so far?

Welcome student.

Mary, we don't have much more time to come up with something.

I think we're looking too hard.

I think it's right here in front of us.

Now, we're all in broadcasting, right?

And the class is about broadcasting.

So all we have to do is tell the class how we do what we do.

That's terrific.

Mary, of course you'll tell about writing. Mr. Grant can talk about what

does, budgets, scheduling. I don't want to talk about budgets.

Well, that's what you do.

I know, but it's boring. I don't want to talk about it.

Yeah?

I'm looking for a Mary Richards.

My date. I forgot.

Tony.

It's so nice to meet you.

Nice to meet you.

Come in, won't you, please?

This was Lou Grant.

Lou. And Murray Slaughter.

Murray. This is Tony... Kramer.

Kramer. Very nice to meet you.

Nice to meet you.

Oh, these are for you.

Thank you. Listen, Tony, I really have to apologize about tonight.

Since I talked to you on the phone, something has come up, and I'm going to

busy for the next couple of hours.

Oh, well, that's all right.

I've really got nothing else to do. I don't know anyone else in town, so if

don't mind...

I could just wait around and we could go out to dinner afterwards.

Well, uh, sure, if you don't mind.

Great.

Do you like French food?

I don't know why I brought it up. I don't know how to talk about what I do.

don't know what I do. I just do it.

I like French food myself.

That and Chinese are my favorites.

Budgets. Who wants to hear about budgets? I hate budgets, Mary.

All right, guys.

Ted finished the school song.

He wanted to run off enough so everyone could have their own coffee.

So I opened a class with it, you know. Give an up -tempo feel of the

proceedings.

Okay.

Listen, everybody.

We had no gym and we had no pool, but we have heart at Ted Vax's famous

broadcaster school.

because the whole idea is dumb and stupid and ridiculous, and I don't want

have anything to do with it.

Oh, boy, it's times like this when you find out who your real friends are.

Lou, we don't need you. We'll do it without you. That's fine with me.

Of course, if you like good wine, there's no sense going to a time.

Right. Well, listen, if we're going to be there on time, everyone, we'd better

leave. Right, dear.

Lou, you sure you don't want to come with us? No.

I feel stupid trying to teach broadcasting to a lot of green kids.

Oh, come on, Mr. Grant.

There must have been a time in your life when you were young and inexperienced.

Yeah.

Someone older and more experienced helped you?

Yeah.

Showed you what to do and how to get started when you needed it?

Yeah.

Well, think of this as a way of paying back that.

All right. All right, I'll do it for Shirley.

Do you like French movies?

Oh, yes, I do.

Very much.

where the Ted Baxter Famous Broadcaster School is supposed to meet? To the best

of my knowledge, yes.

Where are the other students?

Are you the teachers?

Yes. Yes, we are the faculty.

You're late.

Class was supposed to start at 8 .30. It's 8 .40.

You mean that everybody left because we're ten minutes late? Nobody left.

Nobody was here to leave.

Come here.

What's up, Lou?

Ted, there's only one guy in your school.

You think the rest of them are out sick?

I think we can't teach a course to just one person.

I'll handle it.

Look, kid.

There's not going to be any school.

As you can see, the turnout tonight is less than we expected.

Now, Mr. Baxter here will refund all the money that you paid in full.

Ted, write the man out a check. I don't want my money back.

I paid for ten weeks of school, and I want ten weeks of school.

I changed around a lot of plans to be here.

When I leave here, I want to leave as a sports announcer.

Listen, let's be reasonable about this.

You wouldn't want to be the only student in the whole school.

Who would you study with?

Who would you take to school dances?

You can understand how that wouldn't work, couldn't you?

No. All my life, I've been the understanding, nice guy.

People push me around.

I understand.

When my parents gave my brother, Richard, piano lessons, my father took

and said, we can only afford piano lessons for one of you, so we're going

give them to Richard.

Understand? And I said, sure, Pa.

I understand.

And then when it came time for college, my father said, we can only afford to

send one of you, so we're going to send Richard.

Understand? And I said, sure, Pa.

I understand.

And now you want me to take my money back and say I understand.

Well, no deal.

I don't understand.

So start the class.

Or you can all talk to my lawyer, Richard.

Testing one, two, three.

Ladies and gentlemen, I'd like to take this opportunity to welcome you all to

the first semester of the Ted Baxter Famous Broadcasters School.

I want now, if I may, to introduce the members of the TBFBS faculty.

On my far right is Lou Grant, the executive producer of the WJM 6 o 'clock

Please hold your applause until everyone's finished.

Next to him is Mary Richards, producer of the WGM 6 o 'clock news.

And next to her is Murray Slaughter, head writer for that same news show.

uh, of course, that's Georgette.

She's my chick, so I like to have her around.

And last but not least, well, yes, as a matter of fact, he is least, uh...

What's your name again, fella?

Tony Kramer from New York.

He's Perry's date for the evening.

Thank you. Thank you.

Now, this will be an ambitious program of intensified study in the many and

varied aspects of broadcasting.

I think I see a hand out there.

The gentleman in the plaid jacket, would you please stand up?

What's the passing grade for this course?

The passing grade.

Blue is... You want to field that one?

We'll probably go by a class average.

Is that plotted on a normal bell curve?

blotted on anything you like.

Thank you. Now, as I was saying, each of you will have the opportunity

to find his or her niche in this glamorous field.

Yes.

What about Christmas?

How Christmas?

Do we get off? And for how long?

Well, Christmas is not for six months.

The course will be over by then.

Okay, I just want to check these things out.

You'll all have the chance to see and hear and experience communication

firsthand.

You.

faculty? Mary?

Uh, no. We are just the department heads.

Who is this person? What are you doing?

Yes, during the next ten weeks, you'll work long and hard.

You'll all know you're ready to enter the wonderful world of broadcasting.

When you finish.

At the end, there will be a graduation ceremony.

And I have high hopes of getting Eric Severide to be here personally to

congratulate you.

Now, before we continue, let me just mention that immediately following this

orientation class, coffee and cake will be served.

And we can... break up into smaller groups so that we can get...

And

so, in the weeks ahead, we'll discuss such topics as on -the -spot reporting,

libel laws in broadcasting, program logs, and the anchorman in these

times. Thank you.

No, don't.

That was Mary Richards, our Dean of Women.

So in conclusion, let me just say this.

Tonight, you have taken the first step on that long but exciting journey to

being a broadcaster.

Work hard, study hard, and remember, you are the Ted Baxters

of tomorrow.

Ah, one final question.

Can I still get my $300 back?