Original subtitles

Who can turn the world on with her smile?

Who can take a nothing day and suddenly make it all seem worthwhile?

Well, it's you, girl, and you should know it.

With each glance and every little movement you show it, love is all alone,

need to waste it. You can never tell, why don't you take it?

You're gonna make it after all.

You're gonna make it after all.

Any word on nominations for the Television Editors Award?

What, is it Teddy time again?

I nearly forgot.

Nothing in here, though.

Hi, guys.

Ted, what are you doing here so early?

My dear child, I've been working through the night.

On what? You don't know how to do anything.

Just a few letters I had to get out of my correspondence.

These are all addressed to television editors. Why are you writing to them?

Why don't you read us one of Ted's letters, Mary?

Well, I wouldn't want to just tear them. That's okay, it's okay. They're not

sealed. You can't get the bulk rate if they're sealed.

Dear Ed, I know you're not supposed to criticize a critic, but I can no longer

refrain from telling you that I consider you the most brilliant reviewer in the

Western Hemisphere.

Your review of Tony Orlando and Dawn will live in literature.

My hat's off to brilliance, Ted Baxter.

Ted, it won't work.

Why not? It worked last year. I won, didn't I?

Well, you're not going to win twice in a row.

People win twice in a row.

Lots of people. That's the real test, Mary, winning twice in a row.

And after that, impeachment.

After that, retirement.

Well, actually, I won't retire. I'll just sort of become a living legend.

I think you got a pretty good shot at that, Ted.

answer something for me. Every year the television editors give something they

call the Albert Mason Award for unforgettable contribution to

And you know, every year I wonder who was Albert Mason?

He was a crook who established the award for a phony tax dodge.

And not only is it a phony award, but they always give it to somebody who's

the hill.

That award marks the end of your career.

What are you doing?

I'm writing in Ted's name for the Albert Mason Award.

I don't want to carry it.

Besides, generosity is second nature with me.

Are you visiting anyone in particular in the hospital, or are you just window

shopping? Well, it's part of my campaign for the Teddy Awards. I want people to

think of me. Well, I'll certainly think of you, Ted, every time I put out the

garbage.

They also gave him a bunch of balloons, but Ted laid those on the graves of the

Civil War dead.

You are a real nice... Ted, you know that? I mean, I would hate to be caught

with less than nine boxes of raisin bran.

Wonderful.

Ted hates raisin bran.

He picks the raisins out with his spoon and flicks them at the cat.

We have to go now, Ted.

The photographers are waiting. What hospital are you going to visit?

Maternity. Ted wants to have his pictures taken kissing a newborn baby.

Yeah. Then I saw a picture of what one of those things looked like.

Anyway, I'm going to have a picture taken shaking hands with one.

Shh.

What is that? Some kind of trouble?

It's going to be. The roof is going to fall in.

I just heard from a friend on the Teddy Awards Committee. And this year, Ted

isn't even nominated.

How can that be?

He spent all week visiting the sick.

Which actually did a lot of good.

Got them back on their feet in record time.

I know.

But his competition topped him.

Whatever he did, they did better.

If he visited the sick, they visited the dead.

They topped him up and down the line.

What about that Albert Mason award?

No, no, they haven't decided it yet. And that's not a nomination, that's

bestowed. And Ted's too young for that.

It's never given to someone who can still chew his own food.

And Ted know that...

No, and I don't want him reading it in the paper.

One of us has got to break it to him.

Well, yeah, one of us should do that.

We used to have a saying in the Army, Mary.

It's better to volunteer than be drafted.

We used to have a saying in the pom -pom girls, Mr. Grant.

Never date a guy in the band.

Well, I just want you to know you're not the only one with those old sayings.

Okay, I'll tell him.

Ted? Yeah, Luke?

Will you have a second? Come to my office.

Just a second, Luke.

Well, what do you want us to do, Luke? You want us to stay or what?

No, I'd better do it in private.

And you don't know anything about it?

Another thing.

Let's play down the awards this year. What awards?

Never heard of it. Yeah, this whole discussion never took place.

Hi, guys.

Hi. Hi, people.

I am absolutely delirious. No kidding. What have you been doing? Sucking a

fermented fig?

There were two wonderful pieces of news.

I have been nominated for a Teddy Award.

No one else at the station was.

Which includes you, dear, and I feel terrible about it.

Who wants me to get another glass?

Must be good news. He wants to propose a toast.

Probably about the awards.

Ted, the awards don't mean a thing.

for this award.

I baked and basted and fricasseed and hemmed and flounced and flocked and

puckered my little fingers off for this lousy award.

Oh, don't tell me it isn't wonderful.

Oh, it is, Sue Ann, and you deserve it. Oh, thank you, dear. That's why I was so

anxious to tell you both.

Well, it's just a nomination, but it's closer than I've ever gotten before.

What category are you in?

Daytime programming. It's a broad grouping.

My competition is a religious program and a bowling show.

Keep your fingers crossed.

Oh, you're a shoo -in. Oh, frankly, I'm a little worried. The bowling show's a

piece of crud, but that hotshot priest's a killer.

Poor Ted.

Although I must say, he is taking it pretty quietly. I know.

Mr. Graham must have told him by now.

Yes? I didn't say anything.

Say, Lou, this isn't meant as a criticism, because I really love having

talks with you. I really do.

Good.

But are you aware of the fact that we've been sitting here now for five minutes

and you haven't said anything?

No, it's really been five minutes.

Where is the time?

You said you wanted to tell me something.

Right.

Right.

Maybe you'll need this.

Is it normally toast good news with champagne?

Of course, it's bad news.

If it's bad news, Lou, I'd rather not hear it. Ted. I'm not strong, Lou.

Some people take bad news rather well. I mean, it rolls right off their back.

But not me. I take bad news badly. I don't want to hear any bad news.

Ted, I can't help it. Sure you can, Lou.

But if you were thinking of firing me, you could change your mind.

Ted, I'm not thinking of firing you.

Oh, that's great news.

That wasn't the news.

Lou, I can't take bad news.

Unless it's about you, I might be strong enough for that.

Ted, it's not about me. Look, take a really good mouthful of that. Come on,

a hatch.

Down a hatch.

No, no, I mean actually swallow it.

Now, Ted, I'm going to give you some bad news, and I want you to take it like a

man.

Because if you can just reach deep down into yourself and find that inner

strength, I always felt that you have, you'll be all right.

And what's more, you'll gain from knowing all this because you'll know

you're a real man.

You weren't nominated this year. I'm sorry, but there will be other years.

Pull yourself together and be a man.

Very well.

Very well.

I'm myself now.

I'm sorry.

Commit suicide.

Good. That's a good choice.

I've got a better way of showing the world what they've done to me.

I'm going to let my appearance go to hell.

Ted, don't you think that's a little drastic?

Desperate men use desperate measures, Murr.

I'm going to neglect the crease in my pants.

Let the part of my hair grow crooked.

I'm going to... wear unshined shoes, and clip -on ties.

My career's all washed up.

Mary, Mary, I'm sorry I let you down.

Oh, Ted, you didn't... Ted?

Ted, uh... You want to know why you weren't nominated?

It was... my fault, Ted.

My rotten writing cost you the nomination.

I wondered about that.

Well, now you can stop wondering and just don't blame yourself.

That's right.

You're to blame.

You're the reason I didn't win the nomination.

Thanks, Murr.

It was rotten writing, that's what it was. Rotten writing was all Murray's

fault.

Thanks, Murrah. Rotten writing.

Rotten writing, that's what it was.

Thanks, Murrah.

Yeah, I should have known better.

Would somebody get me a glass of water?

I just had a bit of bad news.

Mr. Grant, what's the matter?

What is it, Lou? You look terrible. I must.

They're giving me the Albert Mason on it.

Oh, Mr. Grant.

Oh.

Hey, gals. Have you heard the great news?

The Teddy Brass has tapped me for a presenter's gig.

Oh, kid, those are the most wonderful words I've ever heard.

What do they mean?

That means I'm going to help present the awards.

Actually, it's better than winning one. You're right, Ted, it is. Everyone knows

that.

Oh, Mr. Grant, here's the information you wanted.

Oh, thanks, Mary.

What are you going to do about Ted?

Ted's going to present the Teddy Awards.

He was tapped with a brass gig.

It sounds awful, but it's really wonderful.

Oh, great.

Well, I'm glad you're happy about the awards, Ted. I'm glad somebody around

is happy about the awards.

Mr. Grant has been given the Albert Mason Award, and it's a big honor.

Then why is he grinding his teeth?

Because I don't want it. They only give that award to old crocs.

I'm not an old croc. I'm a young middle -aged croc.

Mr. Grant, will you just tell me what's so terrible about receiving an award?

I'll tell you what's so terrible. The winner has to make a speech, and I'm

afraid of making speeches.

Well, can I offer you a word of wisdom?

Ted, you can't spare it.

be afraid of giving a speech for a large group.

Then one day, an old radio announcer came up to me and he said, think of them

all sitting out there naked.

I've never been nervous since.

Occasionally, I giggle.

And once in a while, I get excited.

But never nervous.

Well, I am. Mary, you handle this. I think I'll go get drunk.

Hold it.

Mr. Grant, you're not going anywhere. There's no need to go get drunk.

What the hell? about awards. I mean, you see what it's doing to people?

People are nervous. People are miserable.

And for what? The award doesn't matter.

Come on, it's our work.

Our friendship. Our respect for each other. That's what counts.

Not awards. Awards are forgotten the next day.

Who remembers, for example, the name of the Albert Mason winner last year?

Carl Frobisher.

Okay, poor example. Who was...

two years ago. Morton C. Foster.

Best daytime documentary, 1971.

St. Paul solved its sewage problem, John Epstein, Betty Ann Barnes.

Come on, I'll buy you a drink.

Best kiddie show, 1957.

Buffalo Bob Fogle.

Mary, can I tell you something privately?

Yeah, sure.

Well, if anybody deserved a nomination this year, you did.

I mean, you did the news, you produced it for the first time, you did a great

job. No, I didn't. Yes, you did.

No, I didn't.

Yes, you did.

If I go one more round, will you?

Sure.

Yes, you did.

Hey, how come you guys didn't bring any dates tonight?

Well, frankly, Ted, I was embarrassed to bring a date, especially after the

things that have happened the last couple of years.

Me too.

Now, Marie has boycotted the award since that time Ted came over to our place

after losing, swallowed a handful of pills out of the medicine can. I didn't

hear about that.

Well, it didn't do any harm, except Ted will never get pregnant.

It was terrible.

I retained water for two months.

I have a hunch you're going to win, Sue Ann. I just have the strangest feeling

deep down inside.

So do I.

I think I'm going to throw up.

Mr. Grant, it's almost time to go.

I can't, Mary. I have to wait till my date gets here.

Where's she coming from?

Malta.

I think this is going to be the worst evening in the history of Western

civilization. Hey, Mr. Grant, if you're nervous about that speech, why don't you

try it out on us?

Once you see that everyone likes it, you won't be so nervous about doing it

later. Maybe you're right. Yeah, of course I am. Hey, look, everybody, could

gather around for just a minute?

Mr. Grant would like to try out his little speech on us.

Ladies

and

gentlemen, and members of the Television Editors Association.

Wonderful.

This award is stupid.

And I would tell Albert Mason to his face.

But in 1967, he skipped to Argentina when he was charged with the crime of

selling the military unsafe latrines.

Thank you very much.

Yes, Mary.

You can't deliver that speech.

Well, listen, it's a free country.

You can't deliver that speech and remain in Minneapolis.

No. But it's the truth.

But you can't publicly ridicule everybody in that room.

You know, Mary, for the first time, I'm sort of glad to get that award.

Lou? Huh?

I thought it was great.

You took my tip and pictured everybody naked, huh?

No, Ted, I didn't picture everybody naked.

That's funny. I did.

This year, the nominees are three fine programs.

The Happy Homemaker hosts Sue Ann Nivens. Strikes and Spares hosts Morty

Flemish. And Countdown to Glory hosts Father James Dannenbrink.

And the winner is, oh, the winners are, we have a tie here, Sue Ann Nevins

and Father Dannenbrake.

presumptuous of me to thank you for this award since in a much larger sense you

cashed your ballots not for me but for someone with whom i am unworthy to share

it oh thank you this

award

confers great honor it also carries certain financial

benefits

be contract time very soon.

Thanks to you, this year, Father Dan and Brink and I can really put the screws

to the big shot.

And now to present the award for Best Newscaster, here is last year's winner,

WJM's inimitable... Ted Baxter.

Hey, good to see you again. How you been?

My friends, this is what America is all about.

A former winner getting up here and giving away an award he should have won

himself.

That's why Mike told you you're running late. You should have started sooner.

What is an anchorman?

Wasn't it Shakespeare who once said, All right, all right.

Nominees are Ernie Reeves, Headline Report, Pete Aldi, Evening Headline,

Do It, Reported Evening, and The Winner Is.

Thank you.

Well said, Lester.

That's it.

There's no one else but me.

And so it is now my privilege to introduce this year's winner of the

Mason Award.

The grand old man of the WJM newsroom, Lou Grant.

I'm not going to go up there.

Lou, you've got to.

I'm not leaving this chair.

Mr. Grant, you have got to go up there. You said I couldn't give my speech. I

have nothing to say.

Can someone accept the award for him?

Uh, yeah.

She'll accept it.

Accepting the Albert Mason Award for Lou Grant is... What's your name, dear?

Mary Richards.

Mary Richards.

Mr. Grant, I am not going up there. You won that award. Now you are going to

accept it. Now go.

I accept the award.

Would you toss it over?