Original subtitles

Who can turn the world on with her smile?

Who can take a nothing day And suddenly make it all seem worthwhile?

Well, it's you, girl, and you should know it With each glance and every

movement you show it Love is all alone, no need to waste it You can never tell,

why don't you take it?

You're gonna make it after all.

Well, not unless it's somebody who can't tell time.

Happy 20th anniversary!

Ted, we said 7 .30.

I know it, and it is 7 .30 now.

Hi, Marie.

Hey, I'm not the first one to arrive, am I? Of course you're the first one to

arrive, Ted. I can't stay then. I don't like being the first one at a party.

Don't feel bad, Ted. We were hoping people would arrive early, really. Will

excuse me while I put my dress on?

No, you want a drink, Ted?

Okay.

Where's Georgette?

What makes you think I have to bring Georgette?

We swinging singles aren't tied down to one person.

That's the difference between us. You married guys are stuck with the same

every night.

But to me, dating is a smorgasbord.

That problem is deciding who to bring.

A little pickle herring?

Lobster Newberg?

Sweden's sour pork.

Or maybe just some good old American spaghetti.

That goes with a meatball.

Well, if you had your choice of so many, Ted, what are you doing here alone?

George, it's out of town.

Oh, hey, Ted, be the

first to see this.

Marie gave it to me. What do you think? It's a digital watch.

Hey, how do they do that?

Well, it operates on the same principle as those clocks, you know, outside

banks. Does it give the temperature, too?

Only if you stick it under your tongue.

Hey, look what I got, Marie.

Oh, looks like an engagement ring.

Yeah, well, it is.

See, when we got engaged, I was making $38 a week. And she wanted a ring, but

she understood.

Now, 20 years later, with my salary almost doubled, I can afford one.

That's dumb.

What's dumb about it?

She married you without it.

It's like buying a hunting license after you've already bagged the moose.

Hey, listen, Murray, I've got to get out of here now and come back later. I

don't want people to think I'm the first to arrive.

I mean, they might get the crazy idea that I've got nothing better to do.

That's okay, honey. Ted was just leaving.

What a wonderful time.

You're leaving? Just for a little while. I'm going to stay in the car, wait

until more people arrive, and then I'll make my entrance.

No one will be the wiser.

Least of all, Ted.

Oh, Marie, I feel terrible. I didn't bring you presents.

I didn't want you to bring a present. I told everybody not to bring a present.

Yeah, well, then what's that?

Well, you know Hilna. She always brings presents, but nobody else is. Oh.

Hiya, Mary. Hi, Marie. Thanks for the gift.

I'll put it in the bedroom with all the others.

Thank you.

Hi, Mr. Grant.

Oh, hi, Mary.

Did you bring a present?

Well, sure.

But, Mr. Grant, you weren't supposed to. It said on the invitation, no presents,

please. You don't believe those things, do you?

You go into a subway, you see a sign that says no spitting.

That doesn't mean you don't spit if you have to.

Well, looks like a nice party anyway.

My Uncle Fred died at a party like this.

Well, not exactly like this.

It was a costume party.

He went as Sir Galahad and choked on a wiener.

That's one of the things I like about you, Mr. Grant. Never at a loss for

talk.

Excuse me, Mary. Could you help me with something in the kitchen? Oh, yes.

Ellen, honey, would you get the door? Sure.

Hi,

everybody. Sorry I'm late, but you know what a busy schedule I've got.

I didn't know Ted was coming to your anniversary party.

No marriage is perfect.

Hi, guys.

Happy 20th anniversary, Mary. Thank you. Thank you very much. First 20 years are

the hardest, you know.

Right, Lou?

I guess maybe you're the wrong guy to ask about that, aren't you?

Oh, come to think of it, your first 20 years were fine.

Your second 20, they went... Ted.

Ted.

Have a wiener.

I could have plenty of dates if I wanted to. Believe me, plenty.

Just that this party was such short notice.

Chicks need time to prepare.

Sure, Ted. Right, Ted.

Well, they do.

They wash their hair, for one thing.

Several of the ones I called tonight were doing that.

Hi, Ted.

Hi, Mary. I could have had a date, you know.

Hi,

Ted. Champagne?

Oh, great party, Marie.

I could have brought a date, you know.

Would you like one, Mr. Baxter?

Oh, yeah.

Thanks, Bunny. Looks like great chicken.

You're welcome, Mr. Baxter, but the chicken is shrimp and I'm Ellen.

All the dates I wanted.

Everybody, I'd like to propose a toast to the happiest marriage I know and the

nicest couple, Marie and Murray.

Speech, speech.

hear some words from you. Oh, I can't make a speech. Well, try.

But I will give an endorsement. I got this guy in 1955, and he's still

as good as ever.

I don't think they make them like that anymore.

Well, that's not a bad speech.

Okay, Murray, your turn. You've got 20 years to prepare something.

Yeah, come on, Murray. What do you write?

I'd like to make a little confession.

It's something I've never told anybody before, but I'd like to say it now.

I'm bald.

I wake up in the morning, I look in the mirror, and I say, Marie, you're bald.

And sometimes when the problems of the day mount up, I feel like I'm getting

balder by the hour.

But then when I come home, Marie gives me a kiss and a smile and...

Suddenly, I'm Cary Grant.

I'm bald, but Cary Grant.

Anyway, what I want to say is that maybe someday somebody will find a better way

to grow hair, but nobody will ever find a better

woman.

Hey,

everybody, I'd like to say something, too.

had a lot of dates tonight.

Yeah.

Hey, Lou, I want to apologize for being so late to work this morning. Oh, forget

it. That was a terrific party you gave.

Must have been.

Going by the way I feel, it must have been one of the great parties of the

decade. A little hungover, huh?

It's nothing serious.

It's just that every time the bell on my typewriter rings, I scream.

Sit down.

I'm great at fixing hangovers.

Did your head hurt?

Only when I breathe.

All right, lean forward and relax.

I can't. My tongue will fall out.

Now,

all of these nerves are connected.

We learned about this in the service.

What were they teaching you, First Aid?

Actually, it was how to kill a sentry before he can yell, Achtung.

Hi, guys.

Hiya, Ted.

Lou, have you got a moment? I'd like to ask you a little question.

Shoot.

What is life?

Life? Yeah, what does it all mean?

What are we all doing here?

What's it all about?

What are we all here for?

Ed, we're all here for a purpose.

My purpose is to produce the news.

Murray's purpose is to write the news.

And your purpose... Ed, I don't know what we're here

for.

I'm serious, Lou. Last night after I left Murray's party, I... I took a long,

hard look at myself.

And I...

I couldn't fall asleep.

Yeah. I have trouble sleeping with an upset stomach, too.

You don't know how I felt, Murray.

Seeing you surrounded by your wife and your family.

By all that love.

Last night when I went home, I just lay in bed and re -examined my whole life.

And finally, when I went to sleep, I had this terrible dream.

I dreamt I was an old man.

All wrinkled and shriveled.

Sitting alone on his park bench.

And then this guy walked up to me and he looked kind of familiar.

And he just stood there looking at me.

Finally I said, who are you? And he said, I am the son you never had.

And then... And then this woman appeared.

And I said, who are you? And she said, I'm the daughter you never had.

And then about 20 kids appeared.

And I said, who are you? And they said, we're the children of the children you

never had.

Then a bunch of dogs and cats appeared.

And I said, who are you? And they said, we're the pets of the children of the

children you never had.

And then a bunch of guys in white coats came up. And I said, who are you?

And they said, we're the veterinarians of the pets of the children of the...

Just skip to the finish of the dream.

Tell us how it ended.

Well, like all my dreams end, with Marlowe Thomas and Winston Churchill

applauding me.

The general concluded by saying that the threat of a nuclear war...

Days are over, my friends.

What? Did you know anything about this?

What, that his days were over?

There's a little lady out there. She knows who she is, and I hope she's

listening, because this is Ted Baxter saying, will you marry me?

for the future, Mrs. Baxter.

Oh, George, yes.

Congratulations.

Ah, wait, no. You're not supposed to congratulate the woman. Why not?

I don't know. It's considered inappropriate.

Especially in this case.

What do you think of this big, impetuous love popping the question right between

a nuclear war and a flea collar commercial?

Sure made me jump. And then my phone started to ring. It was my mother. She'd

seen it, too.

Oh, what'd she say?

She got very excited, and I said, Mother, I know how you feel, but it's my

to throw away if I want to.

Big, impetuous lie.

Have you set a date?

I'll leave that up to Ted.

Right. Once Baxter makes his mind up, events move forward with blinding speed.

Listen, I've got some top -level arrangements to take care of, okay? All

Bye, Mary. Bye, Mom. Bye.

I'll call you tomorrow, honey.

I don't want to get married.

I don't. I don't want to get married.

Ted, you're just suffering the normal reaction of a man... I don't want to get

married. ...of a man who suddenly finds that... I don't want to get married.

...that he doesn't want to get married.

Ted, listen to me. You just got cold feet, that's all.

Everybody. Men, women, both. I mean, it's a big commitment.

You suddenly realize that marriage is forever.

It scares you.

Briefly. But the point is, you're not the first person to feel this way.

Oh, sure. It's easy for you to say. You're on the outside watching the gate

swing shut.

Well, ask Marie then.

I felt the same way, Ted.

Really?

Absolutely. Mary's right.

It's perfectly normal to have second thoughts, so don't you worry about it.

Really? Really.

Really? Really.

You don't know how much better that makes me feel to hear that.

I don't mind telling you, I was a little upset.

Well, you covered it beautifully.

Well, you guys place my mind at ease. Thanks a lot. You're really good

Oh, hey.

Say, is Lou in his office? Yeah, he is.

I guess I'll go in and pass the time of day.

Talk about wedding plans.

You know, stuff like that.

Guy talk.

I don't want to get married.

What do you want me to do about it? Help me.

How?

I don't know.

Maybe I should go out of town.

Well, now, Ted, that's a tempting notion.

No, I wouldn't have to, really.

What we do, before each newscast, we announce that I'm broadcasting via

satellite from Brazil.

Oh, Ted, that's ridiculous.

We could fake it. Be easy, Lou.

We just get a new weather map with some Spanish numbers on it. No, Ted.

No.

Forget it.

Lou, you seem to be forgetting that I saved your life once.

You never did.

Well, what if I didn't? All I'd have to do is ask.

Ted, if you don't want to get married, tell George yet. Just grow up and be a

man. We've got a show to do.

All right. Those are your feelings, and I respect them. But before I go, I'd

like to take an additional moment of your valuable time to offer a further

on the subject, which I think deserves your consideration.

Please!

Think about that, will you, Lou?

Mary, come on in.

Ted, are you all right?

Who, me?

Yeah, tip -top, first class, grade A.

Well, then why'd you ask me down here?

I need your help, Mary.

Please sit down.

Ted, I don't want to sit down. It's almost air time. No, this takes

Sid. Ted, really. Sid!

I'm sorry.

Mary,

I called you because I believe of all my so -called friends, you're the only

true one.

You're the only one I can count on.

You're the one who put her hand in the fire for me.

Ted, I'm not going to put my hand in anything until you tell me what it is

want.

I want you to tell Georgette that I'm going to Brazil.

You're bananas.

No, I'm serious, Mary.

Ted, that is the dumbest lie I ever heard of.

It's a fib, Mary, not a lie. Lie's an ugly word.

Just a fib, a tiny fib.

Why?

Because anybody who'd look at you would know that nothing as disgusting as a lie

could ever pass between those innocent cupid doll lips.

Dad, you are going to have to tell Georgette the truth.

Mary, I'm not ready for marriage. I can't handle responsibility.

You're my old man.

You walked out on my mother when I was two years old.

It's a shame you didn't walk out three years sooner.

I wouldn't expect you to understand.

Your folks are still married.

Probably runs in your family.

You could get married as many times as you like and it'll all work out.

Mary, all I want you to do is tell George that I'm going to Brazil and I'm

busy to talk to him because I'm practicing my Spanish lessons.

Mary, you can't fool me.

You can't fool me. You'll lie for me. Mark my words, when the chips are down,

you'll go along with me. I will go along with you, Ted, only if you tell the

truth. All right, all right, I'll tell the truth.

I'll tell the truth.

Buenos dias.

The United States Bureau of Mines announced today that oil shale refining

could be built in this country, resulting in cheaper oil for the United

Hey, what are you doing? Ted still has several more minutes. I know, but I

watch anymore.

He's bad enough when he's happy.

But the past four days, he's been impossible.

You know, today he asked me if the station could issue a retraction for a

marriage proposal.

Hi, Murray.

Hiya, Georgette.

Hi, Mary. Hi, Georgette.

Bye, Georgette. Bye, Murray. Bye, Murray.

Bye, Mary.

Well, well.

We haven't seen you in a few days. How's everything?

Terrible. Mary, I have to talk to you.

Well, sure.

Mary, I can't marry him. I...

I can't.

Georgette, let's take this one step at a time.

Why don't you want to marry Ted?

Well, he made up some ridiculous story about being sent to Brazil.

And I think anybody that scared of marriage isn't ready for it. He told you

that? That's terrible.

No, Mary, that's nice.

Nice? Sure. He was only telling me that because he wanted to spare my feelings.

He didn't want to hurt me by rejecting me.

Well... Yeah, I guess that is nice.

No, that's terrible.

Because how can I hurt his feelings now by telling him I don't want to marry

him? Yeah, that is difficult.

No, that's easy.

I'm just pretending to believe what he says about Brazil.

You are?

Yes.

So, Mary, when Ted tells his lie and pretends it's the truth, and you see me

pretending it's the truth, even though I know it's a lie, Please don't say it's

a lie, even though you know it is.

Right.

See, Mary, that way we can call off the marriage, and then in a week or so, Ted

can phone me and say they've canceled his trip to Brazil, and I can pretend to

believe him, and we can go back to the way we were.

Yeah, well, that's sensible.

No, it's stupid.

All right, Georgette, I'll go along with you, but it's not going to be easy.

Boy, am I mad at him.

Well, Mary, if I'm not mad at him, why should you be?

I'm mad at him because of what he did to somebody who's not mad at him after

what he did.

Mary, sometimes you talk funny.

Well, it's just not going to be easy, that's all.

Uh -oh.

Hi, Georgette. Hi, Ted.

Hi, Mary, old buddy. The chips are down.

I told Georgette about going to Brazil for a year. Mary can confirm that, can't

you, Mary?

Yeah, Ted, I can confirm that.

Lou insisted that I go, right, Mary?

Yes, Ted.

So I'll be doing my reports by satellite.

Right, Mary?

Yes, Ted.

I guess it'll kind of postpone things for a while.

Yes, Ted.

Well, it's been really fun being engaged to you. Have a nice time in Brazil.

Hasta la vista.

See, Mayor?

I knew you better than you know yourself. I knew when the chips were

come through and lie for me.

Lie for you?

Why would I lie for you?

You know perfectly well who's not sending you to Brazil for a year.

Oh, no.

No.

For six months.

Six months?

Yeah, well, we could... get the visa for six months, but I'm sure once you're

there, they'll be able to give us an extension.

Oh, and by the way, Ted, the shots are only good for three months, so be sure

you get a booster when you get them.

What shots?

Well, you know, the usual.

Typhoid, malaria, yellow fever.

Yellow fever?

Yeah, oh, well, I'm sure there's no chance of your contracting it in the

but where you're going, I understand it's the second highest cause of death.

What's the first highest cost?

Oh, Ted, I don't think you want to know that.

But I understand it's what killed Mr. Grant's Uncle Fred.

Took him two years to die.

Two years?

Yeah, the plant was a very slow eater.

Oh, come on, Mary, you're a liar, aren't you? Aren't you, aren't you?

Would these innocent, cubie doll lips lie to you?

Lou! Oh, he's not in there.

No, no, he went to see about your insurance policy.

He's trying to get them to insert a quicksand clause.

Lou, Lou, why?

Why me?

Why you what? Well, if it's yellow fever and no shots and quicksand and hungry

plants, what are you sending me to Brazil for?

Coffee.

Lou?

Will you just answer me one question?

Hmm? Mary just told me about your Uncle Fred. Now tell me the truth.

How did he die?

Choked.

Got him around the throat, huh?

No. Inside the throat.

Oh, my Lord.

What a lousy way to go.

Yeah. It was his own fault. He was eating too fast.

That's funny.

I heard he was eating slowly.

Hey, Lou.

What do you call that thing that got him?

A wiener.