Original subtitles

Who can turn the world on with her smile?

Who can take a nothing day and suddenly make it all seem worthwhile?

Well, it's you, girl, and you should know it.

With each glance and every little movement you show it. Love is all alone,

need to waste it. You can never tell, why don't you take it?

You're gonna make it after all.

You're gonna make it after all.

Here's your humorous filler for tonight.

I don't get this.

Never mind.

Explain it to me. I want to know. I want to understand.

Explain it to me.

Firemen are supposed to put out fires, but their building burned down.

Probably an accident.

Oh, say, Luke.

Luke, I'd like to talk to you about my blazers.

What about your blazer? Well, don't you think it's about time I got a new one?

Something in keeping with my personality?

Oh, sure, Ted.

How about a white canvas one with long sleeves that buckle behind your back?

See, if you want anything around here, all you have to do is ask for it.

Mr. Grant.

I called you in here because I wanted to apologize for snarling at Ted.

Tell Ted I'm sorry.

Well, why don't you tell him?

I'm not that sorry.

No, it's just that I'm in a lousy mood today.

I was reading a paper this morning and saw something about a friend of mine in

Detroit that really made me mad.

He was doing an article on some mobster and somebody took a shot at him. Oh,

gee, that's terrible. Yeah, why couldn't it have been me they shot at?

Nobody ever shoots at me.

There was a time when I was out there digging for news, too.

I was one heck of a reporter.

I was really good.

Maytime Magazine.

Under Press.

Detroit's Grant.

A taste for booze and those for news.

Oh, listen, what you do here is pretty important, too, you know. Yeah, all we

around here is just rip the news out of a wire service machine.

In those days, I used to go out and get it for myself.

I'll bet you were some reporter, too.

You want to see something?

You know what this is?

Well, it looks like an old, dusty, broken -down typewriter.

Yeah, but it's not just any old, dirty, broken -down, dusty typewriter.

This is my grandfather's typewriter.

Was he a newsman, too?

No, a pharmacist.

He banged out a lot of pill labels on this baby.

on it, too.

I ever tell you about the time they threatened to kill me?

Really? I was working in Chicago.

I was doing a story on racketeers and the nightclub business.

And these two gorillas came up to me and they said, Grant, drop this story

or tonight you'll be sleeping with the fishes.

What'd you do?

I dropped the story. I didn't want to sleep with no fishes.

I know. I printed a story.

Boy, those were great days.

I really thought I was doing something useful, something worthwhile.

Now look at me.

The only thing I've got to do around here is pick out new blazers for Ted.

Well, Mr. Green, if you miss reporting so much, why don't you do some?

I mean, now that I'm producer of the news, you've got some spare time. Why

you take advantage of it?

I'm just like this old typewriter here.

My keys stick.

My ribbon's all faded.

My insides are clogged with gook.

Oh, Mr. Grant, that's not true.

A little oil, new ribbon, a couple screws tightened, you'll both be good as

Well, you'll be uncovering so much crime and corruption, your life won't be

worth a plug nickel.

You really think so?

been sleeping? Uh, no, no, no. I must have just dozed off while lying in bed.

Gee, you know, we're sorry. It never occurred to us that you'd be asleep at 9

.30. Yeah, well, no, usually I'm not. I haven't been to bed by 9 .30 in years.

Usually I stay up, you know, during the week till 11, 11 .30, most of the time.

Gee, even on school nights?

stay. I'll fix some coffee.

Mary, you won't believe what I've got in a folder.

A guy over at Democratic Party headquarters gave me their files on

contributions in this whole area.

Now, I'll bet you somewhere in here, there's dynamite.

All you've got to do is find it.

Me? Yeah, I have to have them back there by midnight.

Now, why don't you and Charlene go through them? There's another lead I

follow up.

I got to meet this ex -con in a pool hall.

Why are you so excited?

You know how long it's been since I met an ex -con in a pool hall?

Well, listen, what exactly are we supposed to be looking for?

Just make a list of who gave what to whom, who got what from whom, and who

what for whom. But, Mr. Grant... Forget it, Mary.

Just be thankful he doesn't want pictures of everybody getting it and

and giving it.

Okay.

Let's hear what everybody's got. Mary.

Well, Mr. Grant, after two weeks, what I've gotten mostly is discouraged.

Me too. I have never seen so many honest elections.

Boy, it really makes you feel proud.

So, can I join you?

This doesn't concern you, Ted.

Oh.

Well, maybe you two haven't come up with anything.

But good old -fashioned legwork paid off.

I think I found our man right here.

Oh, I like him. He's perfect.

Can I be the one to tell Teddy's fired?

Never mind the jokes.

This is Charles Hartney, councilman from the 17th ward and quite possibly the

next candidate for governor.

Why doesn't it concern me, though?

Because it's just for newsroom staff, Ted.

Oh.

and this guy strikes me as the kind of subject we're looking for.

Oh, God.

Well, I've never heard a word against Hartman. And he's got an honest face.

Oh, I know that sounds dumb.

I mean, you can't tell a crook by his face, but this guy looks like... Well,

he's got the kind of face that people would look at and... What are you

Murray? I voted for him.

So did a lot of people.

And I'll admit, his record looks clean.

But I've heard a couple of rumors.

I'm newsroom staff, so this does concern me.

Mind like a steel trap.

Are you guys planning a surprise party for me?

Ted, will you please get out of here?

Hey, I know that guy. Harkness, Harkley or something. He's a politician.

Should we invite him to the party?

You can't fool me. I don't know, Harkley. Ted, believe me, what we're

really doesn't concern you. Yes, it does concern me, Lou. I want to know what's

going on, or I tell.

Tell who?

Him. Tell him what?

Why should I tell you?

All right, all right. If you want to stay, stay.

But this is top secret, so you be quiet.

I don't even remember being here.

I think he means it.

have you heard about harkening? Well, at this point, it's just innuendo, but

I've got a newsman's hunch.

Something smells funny to me about his campaign, and we're gonna root it out.

Uh -huh.

We're gonna dig deep.

And the first thing that means is that we're subject to counterattack.

We've gotta be clean.

So if any of us has anything in his background that could compromise our

investigation, I wanna know about it now.

Not me.

Murray.

Well, uh...

Lou, when I was in college, I belonged to this organization and was arrested

once during this demonstration.

A

left

-wing riot?

No. A fraternity panty raid.

A panty raid.

And all I got was a pair of sweat socks.

Lou, I'm pretty clean.

Unless you count swinging.

I do.

I'm clean.

Okay, okay.

So we go get the facts. A full -scale investigation.

Now, that'll mean long hours, hard work.

And I want to warn you.

This is a rough game.

It could mean threats, intimidation.

Maybe even physical violence.

Well, it's like you said, love. It doesn't concern me. It doesn't concern

Mary, I'm expecting a visitor.

An important one. All right, I'll buzz you when he gets here. What's his name?

This kind of guy, you don't ask his name.

He's what we call a source.

He provides information for money.

If anyone's got the goods on Harkney, he does.

You mean you're paying for information?

It's a last resort, Mary.

I'm starting to get a little discouraged.

For the past three weeks, I've checked out Harkney's income tax records, his

campaign finance statements, his investments, and so far I haven't found

thing to write about.

The first day I took out my old typewriter, I spent a half hour cleaning

keys. They're still clean.

I have to keep my keys clean.

Otherwise the E's start looking like O's.

And before you know it, Ted's announcing that the cops have arrested a pooping

Tom.

I'm looking for Lou Grant.

My name is... That's all right. I don't have to know.

Hiya, Jack. Oh, good to see you, Lou.

I got the information you wanted. I added a one -page summary.

Everything in a nutshell.

This is it, Mary, our million -dollar story.

Oh, it's 25 bucks, Lou.

25 bucks? That's all you want?

Oh, I didn't do it for money, Lou. I did it for old time's sake. And just enough

money to cover the Xerox expenses.

Oh, hey, thanks, Jack. That's terrific of you. That's terrific.

25 bucks.

Yeah. Uh, 25.

I'm a little short.

Uh, eight. Mary? Yeah, I'll look.

You take a check?

Oh, hey, you've been out of business a long time.

Five. Five.

That makes 13.

Ted, have you got 12 bucks?

Yes.

Give me 12 bucks, quick. What is this, the educational channel?

Like I said, that'd be terrific.

Mr. Grant, what? What is it?

I kill myself investigating a politician.

And who do I pick?

A man who's totally honest.

You want to hear the only black mark against this clown?

Listen to this.

In April 1965...

He got a $2 parking ticket.

His meter expired while he was delivering Easter baskets to an

Mr. Grant?

Mary, I'd better be alone now.

Believe me, you've never seen me like this, and I don't think anyone should.

I'm going in there.

Mary, don't. That's crazy.

I know.

Did you buzz me?

I distinctly told you... Grant, I'm coming in anyway.

Don't be concerned about my not having seen you like this before.

What's so different about the way you're behaving?

You want something different.

That

certainly

was new.

Do you think that you're going to be wanting to do that again?

No. I feel better.

I've heard that letting it out really helps some people relieve their

I don't think I probably ever could.

Mary! Chatting fast is my way of screaming.

What is it you want from me? You want to give me a little pep talk, huh, Mary? A

little pep talk? Yes, I think I would like to do, yes. I don't think a pep

talk's going to help. I'll keep it short.

Good. Cheer up.

That's it? I really trimmed it down.

happened? I kill myself working three weeks on a documentary I can't do and

ask me what's happened that's so awful? Why can't you do the documentary?

Because he's an honest man.

Well, what's so wrong about doing a documentary about an honest man?

Oh, Mary, that's stupid.

Mr. Grant, I don't think there's any reason to be calling names. Mary, you're

dope.

Look, I told you not to come in here, didn't I? You can't do a show about an

honest man.

People don't want to see that sort of thing.

Our job is to turn over flat rocks and show people the slimy things underneath.

Oh, so slimy.

Well, that's what life is.

I think people would love to see a documentary with good news in it.

Anyway, you've spent all that money filming Harkney. You've already set

hour of airtime. Why not give it a try?

No, Mary.

The answer is no.

Well, that's just stupid, Mr. Grant, and you're a dope.

Okay,

you talked me into it.

I don't know why you're doing all this. None of this stuff seems all that dusty.

Because I'm nervous. I can't just sit around waiting.

What's to be nervous about?

Lou's going to come back from editing, and either he's going to say, Mary, it's

a good show, or Mary, you're fired.

Yeah, right.

And I know it's easy for me to say, but what is the point of worrying, huh?

I remember one time... Oh, you don't want to hear somebody else's dull story.

Yeah, sure I do. Maybe it'll distract me. Oh.

Well, the point is, I was worried about a show once, too.

I was playing Vegas and dating a lot. A friend of mine had fixed me up with a

doctor the night before, and I was dog tired.

My arrangements hadn't arrived, and I... Frank Sinatra? Yeah, and we'd been out

late. My arrangements hadn't arrived, and... You went out with Frank Sinatra?

Yeah, yeah, we'd been out late the night before. My arrangements hadn't arrived.

You went out with Frank Sinatra?

Yeah, he was playing there, too. Anyway, my arrangements hadn't arrived, and so

I had no chance to meet her. Oh, blue eyes?

Yeah.

What was he like?

Nice, nice guy.

So anyway, my arrangements didn't arrive. I got three hours before show

Did you date him more than once? I don't remember.

Anyway, there I was. The show's about to open. It's a sellout crowd.

I have no arrangements, no rehearsal, and my conductor is fogged in at an

airport in San Francisco. You don't remember whether or not you dated Frank

Sinatra more than once?

I don't know. It must have been ten years ago. The point is, my worrying

out to be for nothing.

I think we can relax.

It looks good.

What?

The show.

Oh, Mr.

Grant, that's wonderful.

Wow. Are you going to watch it with us tomorrow night? Yeah, I'd love to, but

I've got to work. Oh, listen.

There's a TV behind the bar. Why don't you both come and watch it with me?

Fine with me. Mary? Yeah, sure.

Okay, we'll bring the whole gang. Come on, I'll double part. Okay, terrific.

you there. Oh.

And Mary, about Sinatra.

Yeah. You know how some guys sort of get jealous about that sort of thing? Yeah.

So please, don't say anything to Robert Redford.

Oh, hiya, Mary. Oh, Murray, hi.

I'm Charlene McGuire.

tonight's show. Oh, I'm really looking forward to seeing it. No, it's no big

deal. Nothing special.

I mean, don't plan on being entertained or amused or thrilled or anything.

Hurry. It's all right, Mary. I wish somebody had told me that about my

husband.

Anyway, I just wrote it. Actually, it was Mary's idea. She co -produced it.

Well, thank you. I just hope it works.

I mean, I just hope people will be interested in seeing a normal, decent

being in a documentary.

Although I don't know why not. I mean, that's what most people are.

I can see she's never been chased by the trombone section in a band bus.

Hi, everybody.

Hi. Charlene, I'd like you to meet Ted Baxter.

Hi, Ted. I've heard a lot about you. You're legendary.

You chicks have some grapevine.

Tony,

will you turn on to Channel 12?

Sure.

Listen, everybody. Normally, I play a set right now, but these are my friends.

And they've done a television documentary, and we'd like to watch it.

Of course, if any of you would like to watch it, too, you're... Drinks are on

me.

Want another drink, Mary?

Oh, no, this one's fine.

I'm dedicating this show to you.

Good evening, this is Ted Baxter.

Tonight we're going to examine the career of Councilman Charles Harkney.

Right after this commercial message.

Baxter, that guy's good.

This is a nightmare, Ted, in stereo.

What's on the tube?

It's a documentary.

Portrait of a politician.

I'll tell you what you missed.

Good evening, this is Ted Baxter.

Tonight we're going to examine the career of Councilman Harkin.

And then they showed a picture of some guy taking a nap on a roll of toilet

paper.

And record everything he says and does.

We'll watch him make his breakfast.

We'll go with him as he drives to work.

We'll watch him open his morning mail.

And that's a day in the life of Councilman Hartney.

This is Ted Baxter saying good night and good news.

I hope you're satisfied.

We had a fire here once and more people stayed.

You've done the impossible.

You've made Ted Baxter look dull.

Well, I'm leaving.

Uh, the check taken care of, Lou?

No, it isn't, Ted.

That's okay. No rush.

Well, I thought it was terrific. I thought it was just terrific.

In fact, I think it was more than terrific. I think it was terrific and...

am sure that everybody really loved that show.

Really.

There were 20 people here.

Not one of them stayed.

The drunk at the bar watched for two minutes and then went home to his wife.

Yeah, and he's been divorced for 15 years.

See, now I got to go back to work.

Just listen.

Just because people left doesn't mean that they didn't really love that show.

just means that they had other places to go.

What about the ones who didn't finish their drinks?

Not thirsty.

Murray left after the first commercial.

Well, Mr. Grant, I have my theory that everybody loved the show.

And apparently you have another theory.

What is your theory?

My theory is that if we showed this documentary by satellite to the world,

would no longer be a crowded planet.

They only want to watch the rotten things.

Do you know what that means, Mr. Grant?

That if it weren't for the rotten things that happen in this world, we couldn't

put on the news show.

We should be grateful to all the people who do those rotten things.

We should stop them in the streets and say, thank you, Mr. Mugger.

Thank you, Mr. Grant.

If it weren't for those people, you and I would be out of jobs.

It's a lousy business we're in, Mr. Grant.

I quit.

Mary, don't be silly. It's a lousy business, Mr. Grant, and it's a lousy

And I am going to Africa to work with Schweitzer.

It wasn't such a bad idea you had.

People probably do want to watch good news.

You want to know what the trouble with tonight was?

I'll tell you what the trouble was.

We put on a bad show.

You and I pooled our talents to produce the worst documentary in the history of

television. We did a really lousy job.

Mr. Gregg? What?

Saying that to cheer me up?