Original subtitles

Who can turn the world on with her smile?

Who can take a nothing day And suddenly make it all seem worthwhile?

Well, it's you, girl, and you should know it With each glance and every

movement you show it Love is all alone, no need to waste it You can never tell,

why don't you take it?

You're gonna make it.

off for a minute.

Lars and I just had an argument.

Yeah, sure.

Would you like some lunch? No, thank you.

What happened?

I was sitting on the couch reading.

Lars came over to me, put his arm around me and said, darling, don't you think

maybe it might be a good idea in view of the high cost of living if you try to

keep your spending down a little?

I turned to him and said, darling.

Why don't you go suck an egg?

And that's when Lars started the argument.

Yeah, he always was kind of a hothead.

He actually had the temerity to suggest that I start living within a budget.

What does he expect? When you write down every hundred dollars I spend?

You sure you don't want something to eat? No, I'm too upset to eat.

Not me, Mary.

To me, spending money is part of living beautifully. It's an art.

Now, maybe there are some people who can live their lives within the

restrictions of a budget, but for me, it would be like trying to make love in a

straitjacket.

Hey, uh, don't knock it till you've tried it.

$680. Here's my rent.

Here's what I allow myself for food, clothing, laundry. Wait a minute, Mary.

You've written down $100 a month for clothes.

Yeah. Now, suppose you go to Hempel's and you see this marvelous coat meant

just for you, but it costs $249 .50.

What do you do?

Well, I don't buy it.

Oh, come on, Mary.

save up for it over a period of months, and then if I couldn't manage it, Phil,

I just wouldn't buy it. That's it.

You don't understand, Mary.

This is a beautiful beige camel hair coat with leather trim, and it fits like

dream. I still wouldn't buy it, Phil. Mary!

$145 a month for rent.

Yeah, well, that's what it is.

No, it isn't. They've raised it to $175 a month.

Since when? Last month, didn't I tell you?

No!

Oh, then the joke's on me.

$175 a month?

Well, it looks like we're in the same boat, eh, Mary?

Oh, my fault.

I could have married into money, and I don't just mean money, Mary. I mean...

Real money.

One of the DuPonts, Mary.

You know which DuPonts I mean?

$175 a month.

The better living through chemistry DuPonts.

This was a third cousin.

They had a place next to ours on Cape Cod. When I was in college, he would

given anything to marry me.

But I didn't love him.

So, I didn't ask him.

Come in.

Mr. Grant, could I see you for a minute?

Sure. What's up?

Well, Mr. Grant, last month when you made me a producer, you gave me a $20 a

week raise.

Right. Well, I suppose if I came in now and asked for another raise, you'd...

Tell me to go jump in the lake, right?

Not necessarily.

I mean, I might tell you to go jump in the lake. On the other hand, I just

give it to you. There's only one way for you to find out, Mary, and that's to

ask.

Well, I did feel a little awkward about coming in here. Mary, you should always

say what's on your mind.

All right.

Well, that's... $20 a week raise that you gave me amounts to about an 8 %

increase, you see. But the cost of living has gone up 9 .3%, which means

am actually earning less this year than I did the year before, on top of which

my rent has been raised $30 a month.

And I just feel that in view of the fact that I'm now a producer, I have

additional responsibilities and duties, that it's not unreasonable for me to ask

for more money. So, Mr. Grant, could I please have a raise?

Mary.

Go jump in the lake.

Look, we're over budget as it is. Maybe in a couple of months, maybe the cost of

living will go down. Maybe you'll come up with better reasons.

I just asked Mr. Grant for a raise and he told me to go jump in the lake.

Well, Murr, I just don't know how I'm going to make ends meet. And I certainly

don't know how you and Marie do it with four kids.

Well, it's not so bad. We get by.

Marie has started canning fruit.

The girls have started making their own clothes.

My son has a paper route. And last night I held up a liquor store.

I just wish I understood more about economics. You know, maybe then I'd

understand where all my money is going. Nobody understands.

I understand.

You know who's got all the money today?

The Japanese.

They're taking over.

Nice people, but everywhere you go, you see them with their little cameras

taking pictures of all the buildings they're going to buy next.

You know who they got all that money?

While we were busy fighting World War II, they stayed home and made millions.

at least it wouldn't scar my childhood.

Yeah, sure.

Can I get you something?

No, thanks. I don't think this fight can last long.

Why do you say that?

Well, it's already been going on for six hours, and Lars always fades in the

last couple of rounds.

Phyllis is mad because Lars just cut off her charge accounts.

Hi. Hi.

So, what are you kids up to?

Well, Will, you certainly seem to be in a good mood.

Well, Lars and I finally talked the whole thing out, and I... I feel much

better. He gave me his point of view and I gave him a knee in the stomach.

You didn't. No, I didn't.

I love him too much for that.

But I pictured doing it.

Even that made me feel better. Mary, I can't believe it.

We're broke.

Phyllis, come on, how can you be broke?

What about your stocks, your investments? Stocks were all bought on

Margin. Margin.

is down to 25. Isn't that a comment on our society?

Disney, down to 25.

Disney, who's given us Mickey Mouse, Bambi, Donald Duck,

Huey, Dewey, and Louie.

Helen Hayes.

Our Polaroid went from 88 to 14 in six months. Well, what do they expect, the

dummies? Getting that Sir Lawrence Olivier to do those commercials, they

have saved a fortune, gotten Durward Kirby.

Come on, Beth.

Phyllis, you can't possibly be broke.

I mean, look, Lawrence still has his practice.

Business has been terrible lately.

In a recession, dermatologists are the first ones to get hit.

People need brain surgery, no matter how trivial.

They find the money somehow.

If people get a rash...

for you.

I have just... I say, I have just been collected Woman of the Year by the local

ladies chapter of the Elks Club.

Good.

Thank you very much.

As soon as I heard I rushed up here to tell you, I knew you'd want to put it on

tonight's news.

I mean, a member of your own station getting a major award like this.

I knew you wouldn't forgive me if I...

Didn't come to you for the story first.

So, Lou, I assume there's still plenty of time to get it on tonight's

Yeah, yeah, there's still plenty of time.

You are going to use the story, aren't you, Lou?

Well, I'll tell you, Sue Ann.

I don't handle that anymore.

That's the producer's job.

Well,

I'm sure Mary won't. I don't want to turn down a terrific exclusive like

Will you, Mary?

Well, Sue Ann, it's just that there are so many big stories breaking today.

You know, I just, I wouldn't know which one to bump.

Yeah, I mean, we sure hate to lose the one about the two -headed chicken.

I understand you. You probably need more time to think about it. Right.

Time to think.

Of course, there's no hurry. I don't want you to feel you're under any

whatsoever. You take all the time you want.

I won't come back until I finish what I'm cooking.

Minute rice.

You're not seriously thinking of using that Sue Ann story, are you?

Well, I don't know. Mr. Grant, it is my decision, isn't it? This is a news show,

Mary, and I don't want any publicity puffs on it. I don't care who they're

And I want you to tell Sue Ann, if she ever comes around here again asking for

silly plug like that, I'm going to throw her out of the...

Why didn't you tell her that yourself?

I'm scared of her.

Mary. Hi, Phil. Sorry to bust in like this, but I had to tell you. Murray,

you'll be interested in this.

I, Phyllis Lindstrom, have decided to get a job.

Phyllis, that's sensational news.

Yeah, but somehow I don't think it's going to bump the two -headed chicken

either.

Aren't you impressed, Murray?

Well, sure I am, Phyllis, but you've had jobs before.

Ah, but that was... different that was in order to make better use of my god

-given talents to fulfill myself as a human being now all i want is the bread

so here i am out looking for work lou i just

wondered are there any jobs open on your show i'll take anything i don't care

how low or menial it is how about mary's old job bill mary has

mary's old job

office you worked in last year. Why don't you go back there? People don't

houses in a recession, Mary. The Lakeview Real Estate Agency is a

restaurant.

I told you. I told you.

What about Chuckles the Clown?

I saw him in the elevator. Are there any jobs on his show?

Well, I heard they need a new Wanda Wishbone, but I don't know if you've got

right legs for it.

Wanda Wishbone?

Yeah, uh, two kids come out of the audience and each one of them pull on a

The winner gets a bicycle.

How do they decide who the winner is?

I don't know.

But they have to hire a new Wanda for every show.

Uh, Mary, can I see you a second?

Have Phyllis and Sue Ann met since the time that Sue Ann had the affair with

Phyllis' husband?

No.

Didn't she threaten to rip Sue Ann's face off the next time she saw her?

Yeah. Well, you better get Phyllis out of here fast. I just passed her. She's

her way out. Uh -huh.

Please, have a seat.

I'm Helen Farrell. Oh, you're a woman.

That's right.

I'm so glad.

I was afraid you might be a man.

But I know that as a woman, a sister, as it were, you'll be more compassionate,

understanding, sympathetic.

Honey, it's been a long day. Don't bust my chops.

What sort of job are you looking for? Well, something interesting.

A position of authority that pays extremely well, but would still give me

of free time.

Have you considered running for vice president?

Do you have any special skills?

Of course.

All right. Computer training?

No.

Typing?

operate a switchboard? No.

What are your special skills?

Well, I have an uncanny knack of choosing the right wine for dinner.

That certainly narrows things down.

Well, why don't we take a look and see what we've got?

Okay.

Oh, here's... one. Must have come in while I was out to lunch.

Bright, charming, intelligent woman for assistant to president of public

relations firm.

No experience necessary.

Expense account plus $15 ,000 a year. Oh, that's wonderful.

Mr. Greshner, I have a bright, charming, intelligent woman who'd like to apply

for that job.

Oh, good.

She'll be right over.

You're being voted Woman of the Year.

Thank you, Ted.

Mayor, I sure hope we're doing a story on Sue Ann's award.

Well, Ted, I already told Sue Ann that there's no room for that story. We're

spending a lot of time on Kissinger's trip to the Mideast.

Kissinger?

Why are you doing a story about someone we don't even know?

Come on, Mayor. I'm sorry, Ted. The answer is no.

Well, what would the answer be if I told you I was threatening to quit unless

that story were put on? No and goodbye.

I appreciate it. You're a good man.

Now can I have my 50 bucks back?

Hi, hi.

Hi, Phil. Hi, Phil.

Newsroom. Any luck with the job?

Yes. And all of it abominable. Oh, no.

Mary, the film on the fire downtown got here too late for tonight's show.

Oh, terrific.

The biggest fire in 10 years and we don't have any film?

Maybe we should send an artist down to draw it.

Oh.

I'm sure you want to hear everything that happened.

All right, look, Murr, we still have 20 minutes. See if you can get a remote

truck downtown. We'll do it live. Right.

Mary, I went to six different employment agencies.

Always it was the same story. I have no training. I have no skills. I have

nothing to contribute to society. Of course you have.

The chemical factory.

Oh, boy, that must be some fire. Anybody hurt? No, but they evacuated five city

blocks. I'm a mere frill. A decoration.

A boutonniere on the lapel of the universe.

Throw me in the gutter and no one would even notice I was missing.

Okay, good. The crew's on its way.

All right, I'll see if I can get a reporter to meet him. I'm absolutely

According to Darwin, I should have been extinct a million years ago.

Ah, don't listen to him.

Hello, Frank.

It's Mary. Listen, I want you to meet the remote crew downtown at the fire.

We're going to go live. Right.

Okay, Murr, we'll open with the fire.

Then we'll do Kissinger, then the bus strike, and the armed robbery. How lucky

you are.

Insulated from reality here in the fantasy world of television.

Hey, Murr, you know what I'm thinking? Maybe we should dump the robbery and

extend the fire. Mary, will you look...

how she was.

Did she get a job?

No, and she's really been trying hard, too.

Aw, that's too bad.

Yeah. She was offered one job, a receptionist at a funeral home.

But she said she'd starve before she'd wear black every day.

I gotta go to the library. See ya. Bye -bye.

just have to make sacrifices like everyone else. Of course.

Two cars will get by with one car.

Lars can take the bus to work.

No, Mary.

Money isn't the problem.

You know what's really depressing me?

You.

Me.

Remember when you came here five years ago?

You were a lost little lamb jilted by your fiancé.

A single girl.

alone and unwanted in a cold, heartless city.

And I was a secure, confident, married woman.

Every time I saw you, I felt sorry for you.

It was wonderful.

But now the tables are turned. It's you who feel superior to me.

Oh, Phyllis, come on. I don't feel superior. Of course you do. This is the

of the single girl. Free, independent, self -sufficient.

Oh, Phil, come on. Being single is not all that great.

There's loneliness.

Loneliness.

You don't know what loneliness is until you get into bed with Lars.

Bill, all right, it's a little rough right now, but you've got people who

you.

I suppose so.

I remember when I gave birth to Beth.

Lars even stayed in the delivery room with me.

Of course, after a while, the screaming got so bad the doctor had to slap his

face and throw him out.

But admit it, Mary.

You wouldn't dream of trading your life for mine.

You've got a terrific life.

Phyllis, I told you my life is not that terrific.

Are you saying you would trade your life for mine?

Well... Would you?

Be honest.

Well, to be perfectly honest with you, Phyllis, no, I wouldn't trade my life

yours. It's a lousy thing to say.

Phyllis, nobody would trade their life for somebody else's. Would you trade

life for mine?

Would I trade my life for yours?

Oh. Getting up at 7 o 'clock every morning.

Catering to the whims of my boss day in and day out.

Fending off the grubby advances of my dates. And praying desperately I'll meet

somebody I'll really care about. Would I trade my life for yours?

No.

I wouldn't. Mary!

Oh.

Oh, you're all depressed and feeling rotten about your life now, aren't you?

Well, no, I'm not feeling rotten.

Just like old times.

Isn't it wonderful?

Did you hear any more from Lou about your raise?

No. And to tell you the truth, I'm a little afraid to ask again.

Afraid?

Well, I suppose you're not.

That's right, that's right.

In fact, I've been thinking of going in there and asking Lou for a cost of

living increase myself.

Well, why don't you go in there and do that?

All right.

And I'm going to get that raise, too.

You know why I'm going to get that raise?

Because I just figured out how to handle Lou. I'm not going to ask him for a

raise. I'm going to demand it.

Okay, Mayor, heads or tails?

What are we deciding?

Which end Ted will land on when we throw them out of the air?

Thanks, Lou. Nice doing business with you.

Like putty in my hands.

Looking for me?