Original subtitles

Who can turn the world on with her smile?

Who can take a nothing day and suddenly make it all seem worthwhile?

Well, it's you, girl, and you should know it.

With each glance and every little movement you show it. Love is all alone,

need to waste it. You can never tell, why don't you take it?

You're gonna make it after all.

And to brighten your day, I've just placed on your desk two humorous

one of which will be loused up by Ted on the 6 o 'clock news. Oh, thank you,

Murray. They're my favorite part.

Uh -huh.

We'll use this one.

What's the matter with that one?

I don't know, Murray. I just don't believe it. I mean, in the first place,

would you get an elephant into an elevator?

And in the second... place, I just don't believe a real nun would carry a whip.

Hi, Mary.

Morning. Murray, what do you like on Sunday?

The Rams or Dentry? What's the point spread?

Well, my bookie's got the Rams a 14 -point favorite.

I think I'll put a half a dollar on the Rams.

Well, Mr. Grant, if you only want to bet a half a dollar, I'll bet with you.

Mary, when I say half a dollar... I don't mean 50 cents.

That's just betting slang.

You see, with real gamblers, a dollar means $100, a nickel is $500,

and a dime is $1 ,000. You understand?

Not only do I understand, Mr. Grant, I think it's adorable.

but they really played great in the preseason games.

Yeah, I'm going to go with the Rams.

Hey, football chatter, huh? I love it when you guys do this.

Now, what about Washington and the Giants?

Can I play, too?

What? Please, haven't you noticed we've been hanging around the newsroom every

time you guys talk about this stuff?

You noticed it? No.

I've trained myself not to see them.

Well, I've been waiting for you to say, come on, Ted, talk football with us.

Ted, is there something else you can do?

Well, that's just the point.

Nobody seems to care.

I have nothing to do.

Never have anything to do.

I'm in here at 9 o 'clock, punctual as a church mouse, quiet as a church mouse.

Well, I'm not noisy either.

Ted, I'm figuring out how to bet real money. I gotta concentrate.

Please, let me be part of this. Ted!

All right, Louie, even if you won't let me, I just want you to know I'm grateful

for the few minutes you've already given me.

Thanks, Lou.

Thanks, Murray.

Now I'll go.

stare at my wall.

All right, you can stay.

So I go with Washington, but I got to give 16 points. Got to give 16 points.

What does it mean to give 16 points?

Excuse me, Lou, I think I'll go stare at Ted's wall.

Oh, Lou, Lou, let him go. You'll see. I'm much better to play football betting

with.

Tell me, what does it mean to give 16 points?

You wouldn't understand, Ted.

Why wouldn't I understand, Lou? Because I'm too dumb.

Is that what you think?

Yes.

Well, you're wrong, Lou.

People have been making that mistake about me all my life, even as a kid. The

other kids wouldn't let me play games with them because they think I wouldn't

understand the rules.

So they wouldn't let me play Monopoly with them or chess or hide -and -go

Well, I'm tired of people thinking I'm dumb. I'm not them. I know how to play

hide -and -go -seek.

I know how to play chess, too, except for those pieces that look like horses.

I'm not dumb. I don't like people treating me like I am.

All right, I'll explain it to you.

Thanks.

All right.

Now, this is the betting line I get from my bookie every week. Go slow. I want

to understand this.

It tells you what team is favored by how many points.

Now... In the Washington Giants game, Washington is favored by 16 points. Uh

-huh. So say you bet Washington.

That means if Washington wins by more than 16 points, you win.

Uh -huh. But if they win by less than 16 points, you lose. Uh -huh. You

understand? No.

Yeah.

Here's the lead story you wanted to see.

Oh, thanks.

You didn't have a good day yesterday, did you?

I lost all three games.

I never should have bet Washington.

A little voice in the back of my head kept saying, don't bet Washington, don't

bet Washington.

So why did you bet Washington?

Because the voice in front of my head said, dummy, you gonna listen to a voice

in your head?

Yeah, we had an unlucky day, didn't we?

What do you mean, we?

No, you know how I love to gamble. But since I promised Marie I wouldn't, I get

my kicks watching you. I mean, when you win, I'm happy.

And when you lose, I'm twice as happy because it wasn't me.

Hi, Lou.

Lost $150 yesterday, didn't you?

Yes, Ted.

Marie, who do you like next Sunday? Denver or Pittsburgh? Well, I won $180.

You want $180 off football?

That's right.

Bet six games at $90 a game. Won four, lost two.

See? Here are my bets.

You bet all these teams?

Of course.

See, once you explained that point thing to me, I got to thinking.

They're all professional teams, right? I mean, anything can happen in football.

So I invented this system.

I bet the underdog in every game the bookie gave 11 points or more.

Very scientific system.

Why did you pick 11?

It's my lucky number.

You're telling us that you actually gambled all that money yesterday?

That's right.

Who'd you bet with?

Myself.

Yourself? Sure, I just put it on paper.

Well, Ted, if you were just making imaginary bets, how come you only bet

Why didn't you bet $100?

Oh, I'd have been too nervous to enjoy the game.

Mary, could you come in here for a minute?

That's a great idea, Ted betting with himself.

And if he doesn't pay, he can hire someone to beat himself up.

Yes, Mr. Grant.

Look, Mary, could you do a personal favor for me and cash this check for me

the bank?

I kind of took a beating in a football game yesterday, and I got to pay the guy

this afternoon.

Yeah, sure.

Mr.

Grant, you know, I'm kind of curious about something.

Why do you gamble?

What do you mean?

Well, look, I'm not going to say the obvious things that people always say,

know, about how only suckers gamble.

Or how you can't possibly win because the odds are stacked against you.

How gambling is really another form of addiction.

Because I'm sure an intelligent person like you must have a very good and

compelling reason to do it.

And I'm sure that once I hear it, I'll say to myself, well, you silly goose,

did you do that yourself?

If you don't want to go to the bank for me, just say so. No, I didn't say that.

I just wondered why you gamble. You know, I just really like to know.

All right.

You want to know why I gamble?

I'll tell you. Because it's fun.

Look, I can get anybody to go to the bank for me. No, no, no, Mr. Grant.

I didn't say I wouldn't go. I just wondered why you put yourself through

agony week after week.

Because I'm having a good time.

Another great day for the system.

Won six, lost two. That means after five weeks of betting, Ted Baxter has won $2

,200.

Ted, it's not real money.

Well, it's still better than nothing.

Let's get something straight.

I don't want to hear about the system.

I don't want to hear how much the system bet.

I don't want to hear how much the system won.

In fact, I don't want to hear anything at all about you and your dumb paper

bets. Is that clear?

Sure, Lou. Anything you say.

Lou doesn't want to hear that the system's ahead $2 ,200.

It's okay with me.

Now, listen, Ted.

If you're so sure of this dumb system of yours, why don't you put some real

money on it?

Well, so happens I've been thinking of betting some real money. You're going to

bet some real money? That's all right. I just may do so this week.

Okay, Ted, I'm going to call my bookie right now.

And if he's open for business... Hello, Al?

Lou Grant.

Yeah, uh -huh, uh -huh. Listen, I got a friend of mine here, and he'd like a

little action.

Yeah, his name is Ted Baxter.

And here he is.

Hello, Al. Can you talk?

you, bookie?

Gee, I never talked to a real crook before.

Hello, he wants to talk to you again.

Yeah?

No, it's not a joke.

Oh, again, it's me again, Al.

Listen, you got the line in front of you?

Well, I want you to do me a favor.

How many games are there with an 11 -point spread?

Seven games, huh?

No, I don't have to know who's playing. Listen, here's what you can do for me.

I want to bet a dollar on the underdog of each of those games.

Right?

Okay.

Very nice doing business with you, Al.

You satisfied?

Yeah, Ted, I'm satisfied. Okay, Fred.

Ted,

wasn't that an awful lot of money to bet?

Oh, sure, but what the heck? I can afford to risk $7.

Oh, wait.

thing i think you don't know see as mr grant explained it to me bookies have

their own kind of language you know and when you say you want to bet a nickel

that means five hundred dollars when you say you want to bet a dime that means a

thousand dollars and when you say a dollar a

dollar

means a hundred dollars

oh

Oh, boy, is that a relief.

Oh, thanks, Mary.

I got $700!

Can you believe it?

Ted made $500 on that dumb system of his.

He won six out of seven of his bets yesterday.

Six out of seven bets?

Yeah. What did he say about the one he lost?

He took her very well.

He just looked up to heaven and said, that's okay.

Nobody's perfect.

Mr. Grant, have you gone over the budget the station manager was supposed to

have at Friday?

Soon, Mary, soon.

Yeah, well, that's what you said a couple of hours ago.

Well, now I'm confirming it.

Hey, look, guys.

I just met Al DeBookie in that bar you sent me to. He paid me off in $100

He calls them Benjis. Get it? For Benjamin Franklin?

I knew Chris Benjis.

I've already made my bets for next week.

What are you going to do, Lou?

I don't know, Ted.

Come in with me, Lou. We'll be partners in the system.

Ted, will you leave me alone?

You're prejudiced, Lou. You know what? That's what you are.

I mean, if Murray thought of the system, or Mary thought of the system, or

Malcolm Grebler thought of the system, you'd be thrilled to go in on it.

Grebler? Who's that?

A total stranger.

Mr. Grant, I just ran into the station manager, and he really wants that

Mary, I'm busy.

Hey, Lou, look. Why don't you go in with Ted for one week? I mean, what do you

got to lose?

Come on, Lou.

Well, I guess I can't do any worse than I've been doing. All right, Ted. Great.

You won't regret it. Here.

Here are the system's bets for next week.

Mr. Grant, the teletype machine. Mary, I'm busy.

All right, Ted. Bet whatever you want. I'm in for a half. Okay.

Mr. Grant, come into your office.

Was that it? I mean it, really. Only a wizard could make me feel that I am

intruding because I want to discuss news in the newsroom.

No, Mary, you're not intruding at all. Mr. Grant, these bets are becoming an

obsession with you, and I realize it's none of my business except that it's

getting really hard to get any work done around here. Are you jingling?

What? Are you wearing bells on any part of your body?

I have them on my belt, and that's all.

I am going to discuss about it, Mr. Grant, because that's a tactic of yours

try to change the subject and make me feel awkward about something ridiculous.

Like bells, Mary?

Mr. Grant. I apologize.

Look, I don't think that... You're absolutely right in everything you've

will say.

Now, is there anything you'd like to add to that?

Mr. Grant, I came in here to have a serious discussion.

Mary, Mary.

I've already made your point for you You don't want to belabor this, do you?

I'm wrong Okay,

I accept your apology We all accept your apology We all?

more for the remote crew?

Yeah.

Hey, Lou.

I picked up this week's winnings.

I'll put it in the system's bank account this afternoon.

Two Benjis, one Ulysses, three Alexanders, and four Avis.

That's Lincoln.

Oh. Thanks, Ted.

Isn't it wonderful?

I'm not only making money, but I'm learning a lot about American history.

Looks like the system won't be able to make any more bets from here on in.

won't be any more spreads with over 11 points.

But we'll do it again next year.

It's such a wonderful thing we're doing.

Ted, don't make it sound so noble.

Oh, it is noble, Mary.

Do you know who's behind gambling?

Organized crime.

That's who.

And that makes it noble?

Of course. If I keep on making this kind of money, I'll bring the syndicate to

its knees.

As long as we do something to stop crime in this country, I'm going to keep on

betting and winning.

As long as there's a breath of life left in me.

My bookie's not part of any mob.

He's a men's room attendant.

And he...

loses, he just cuts down on supplies.

So all Ted's doing is just driving a lot of men out into the streets with wet

hands.

Anything wrong?

I'm not sure.

If you're not sure, there's probably something wrong.

I don't know.

Suddenly I just feel a little depressed.

Do you want to go to lunch with me?

It'll cheer you up. It is such a gorgeous day outside.

I mean, it's really nippy.

What do you say, instead of going to some stuffy restaurant, you and I go

to the rink, rent a couple of skates, and skate the lunch hour away?

I've never done that on my lunch hour.

And I never will.

The stuffy...

I hope you don't mind my taking you here instead of skating.

No.

Look, if you want some exercise, I got some pinball machines over there.

Mr. Grant, are you aware that you were pretty unhappy when you were losing

money, and now that you're winning money with Ted's system, you're still pretty

unhappy? Right, and I'm not quite sure why.

Let me tell you a little story.

Maybe it's a good analogy. Maybe it isn't.

Maybe it'll make you feel better.

Maybe it won't.

Maybe I'll tell it well.

Mary.

When I was in high school, I used to love to go to the football games. You

I'd sit up in the stands and I'd cheer old Roseburg high on.

And then the next year... You started betting and you lost your shirt?

No. I became a pom -pom girl.

Will you stop?

Well, I just thought you might want to make a sarcastic remark about my having

been a pom -pom girl.

No, Mary.

I'm surprised when your stories aren't about you being a pom -pom girl.

Okay, now I can go on.

Well, the thing is, Mr. Grant, I used to get out there on the field with these

two big yellow pom -poms. Hey, wait a minute. I have a question.

Do you call one pom -pom a pom and the two of them pom -poms?

Then why aren't the two of them called pom -pom -pom -pom?

Well, now, of course, the whole point of my story is going to be lost.

Go ahead.

Okay, the point is, these were very regimented routines.

And I found that my cheering became mechanical, you know, because it was

controlled by somebody else.

All the fun went out of it for me.

Mary, you spent a good part of our lunch hour warning me against ever becoming a

pom -pom girl.

The thing is that even though Ted is winning money for you, you're not having

the fun of doing it yourself.

Yeah. Maybe you're right. I got to think about that.

Good. Listen, I got to get back to the office. I have to make up tonight's

lineup. You go ahead. I want to talk to a guy here.

Hey, Al.

Wait a minute. You got dessert coming.

What do they have?

You got a choice, ice cream or a cigar.

Hiya, Lou. Sit down.

Say, Lou, could you do me a favor?

What? From now on, could you pick up your winnings instead of that guy

Every time I pay him off, he giggles.

I don't like losing to a guy who giggles and then says to me, the weed of

crime...

He thinks you're a part of the mob.

What's that about the mob, Blue?

I'm not in the mob. I'm in the john.

So what are you doing with all that money you're winning?

Well, at this moment, it's in the bank. Gee, with the state the economy is in,

you're taking a big gamble.

A beautiful spiral being held up by the wind. Bearcat Jones at his own 39.

And there's the two -minute warning. Well, there's the two -minute warning.

Looks like that's the ball game, Louie. What are you talking about?

We're only 12 points behind.

We've still got a chance. Anything can happen.

Well, I agree with that. I think the game's over.

Thanks for inviting us over, Mary. It was a wonderful brunch. Oh, thank you.

I couldn't have enjoyed the football game more if I'd understood it.

I'll just get ready, Teddy.

He hates it when I rhyme something with his name.

Sometimes I say, steady, Teddy.

Kate's most is have some spaghetti, Daddy.

She only does that because she knows I can't get back at her.

I mean, nothing rhymes with Georgette.

You bet.

Lou, if you didn't bet on the game, what are you so nervous about?

I bet it.

Come on, Pittsburgh!

You bet a lot?

Everything.

$2 ,000.

He took all the money Ted and I made this year and bet it.

Well, Ted sure is taking it calmly.

I'll say.

Ted doesn't know.

That's terrible.

You bet his money without asking him?

I had to, Mary.

I had to prove to myself that I was as good as Ted's sister.

And it's going to be okay.

Just as long as Pittsburgh scores 12 points in the next 26 seconds.

Well, yeah, that's easy enough. That's less than a point every two seconds.

Come on, Pittsburgh.

Come on, kill them. Hey, Mary, relax. It's only a football game. Shut up, Ted.

Come on, Pittsburgh.

Which one is Pittsburgh?

They're the ones who just congratulated the winners.

Hey, so what, Lou?

I mean, what does it matter whether they won or lost as long as we didn't bet

the game?

Ted, I'm going to tell you something.

No, no.

No, not in my house.

No, I had nothing to do with this. And you're going to tell him this thing in

house?

Why don't you take him out on the balcony and tell him?

No, I can just tell him here.

Mary, sit down.

Ted. Yeah, Lou?

That $2 ,000 we made on football this year, I bet it all on the Super

Bowl, and we lost, and it's as simple as that.

Murray's right.

Maybe it's better you break it to me on the balcony.

How long do you think you'll stay out there, Georgette?

You have to understand, sometimes a man just needs to be alone.

With Tad, very often, it's not his choice.

I told him I'd find a way to pay him back, but I don't think he's hearing too

well right now.

Well, I don't know about the rest of you, but I cannot bear to see that man

standing out there alone like that.