Original subtitles

No need to waste it. You can never tell. Why don't you take

it? You're gonna make it after all.

You're gonna make it after.

This is important. Sit down.

You'll like this.

Now, you've been here, what is it, five years now?

Yes. And during that time, you've worked enormously hard. You've done a

fantastic job.

Oh, well, thank you, Mr. Grant, but I wouldn't say that.

You wouldn't? Well, let's forget the whole thing. Okay, all right.

I would say that.

Mary, there's only one way to tell you this, and that's to tell you straight

out.

I've decided to promote you to producer of the WJM 6 o 'clock news.

Oh, Mr. Grant.

Oh, well, that's... I... I just don't know what to say.

Really? I thought you put it very well.

But, I mean, it's just so incredible. I mean, because, you know, of course, I

always dreamed that one day I would be a producer, but that you would actually,

at this point, you know, make me your co -producer.

co -producer. I'm making you the producer.

Well, what about you?

I'm making myself executive producer.

That's great.

But what made you suddenly decide to make me the producer?

Well, I just thought a promotion was long overdue. Oh, thank you, Mr. Grant.

Not yours, mine.

that as producer I'd have a lot more responsibilities, you know, a lot more

things to do.

No, no, no, no.

Whatever you used to do as associate producer, you'll do now as producer.

Oh, I see, I see, I see.

Naturally, there will be certain financial benefits.

Oh?

Starting next month, you're going to get a raise of $1 ,000 a year.

Oh, that's great!

Uh, Mr. Grant, that's, uh, what, uh, 20...

Dollars a week, isn't it? I thought I was going to get a raise of $20 a week

anyway.

Well, now you're going to get it for sure.

Well, thank you.

Mr. Gale, let me just see if I'm getting this tonight.

I'm going to be the producer, but I'm going to have the same responsibilities,

the same job, the same no office, and I'll be doing the very same things I

been doing.

Right.

I just hope I can handle it.

Mary?

Hi, Ted. I got here just as soon as I could. Sit down. What's wrong?

Care for a drink?

No, no, thank you. You said it was important that you had to see me right

Well, let's, uh, let's order first, then we'll talk.

Uh... Yeah.

the veal cordon bleu with the house salad.

Mary, whatever you like. Don't worry about the price.

I'll have the lamb chops.

She'll have the $8 .95.

Now, Ted, will you tell me what it is?

What what is?

Why did you call me and ask me to meet you here? I mean, you made it sound like

some kind of an emergency.

Have some wine, Mary.

No, thank you, Ted.

We'll need it for the toast.

What toast?

Mary, to our first date.

What?

Our first date.

To us, Mary, and to many more wonderful evenings like this.

Ted, is this your first bottle of wine?

Mary, you and I have worked together in that office for five years.

I'm an attractive man, you're a reasonably attractive woman.

You can't deny you haven't had thoughts about me. Oh, yes, Ted, I have had

thoughts.

I know you probably figured me being who I am and you being who you were that I

was too far above you.

Now that you're a producer, it's a hole in a ballgame.

Well, Ted, I'm very, very flattered, but, uh, and this is a big but.

I don't want to date you.

Well, I'll tell you what.

Well, do it on the sly.

Even in the newsroom, it'll be our secret.

Oh, naturally, there'll be those meaningful glances across the desk.

Those furtive longings.

Those private jokes that only lovers understand.

Oh, Ted, please stop.

Let's get something clear right now. I don't want you to think of us that way.

Who am I supposed to think of us? Think of us as brother and sister.

Brother and sister, huh?

I've always wanted a kid sister. Someone to help me meet a lot of chicks.

Ted, I can't... help you meet a lot of chicks. Then you can't be my sister.

Well, thank you for dinner, Ted. It was a lovely, lovely evening.

Oh, it was my pleasure.

Did you enjoy the lamb chops?

Yes, very much, very much.

Well, I've got an early date.

Well,

good night, Mary.

in my living room.

There is now.

I'll have mine black, Mary. There's no coffee.

Well, tea will be fine. There's no tea.

Oh, just a glass of water. There's no water.

Mary, are you trying to get rid of me?

Look, Dan, it's just that I'm tired and I've got a big day tomorrow.

Okay, sure, say no more. I'm on my way. See you tomorrow.

Okay.

What are you doing?

Don't you want me to kiss you goodnight?

No.

I understand you're afraid of losing control of yourself.

I'm afraid of myself.

You're already losing control.

Ed, I just don't want to kiss you goodnight, all right?

Well, if that's the way you feel, why did you go out with me in the first

I respect you too much to wrestle with you.

Thank you.

After all, you don't have to give me a goodnight kiss just because I bought you

a $32 dinner.

So forget the goodnight kiss.

After all, what's a goodnight kiss?

Just a small token of friendship.

Just the way one person has it.

Saying to another person, I like you, person.

a simple, innocent kiss goodnight. But that's all right.

Ted, if I kiss you goodnight, will you go home?

can resist Ted Baxter.

Hi, guys.

Hey, where you been all day? We go on the air in 20 minutes.

I told you, Lou, I was guest speaker at a veterans group luncheon.

Oh, yeah.

How'd it go?

Great. They were sitting on the edge of their seats.

Probably because of their old war wounds.

Where is, uh, Mary?

Oh, she's in editing.

Oh. I'll just leave these candies on her desk.

Maybe I ought to write her a note.

Dear Mary, I'll always remember last night.

Love, Ted.

Oh, last night.

Was there ever a night like last night?

Ted, what happened last night?

I don't think it's any of your business, Lou.

However,

since you brought the subject up, it just so happens that Mary and I had a

last night.

Ted, have you been putting anything funny up your nose?

I want to level with you guys.

I've had my eye on her since the first time I saw her.

And yesterday when I realized you've been here five years and I haven't

made my move yet, well, I said to myself, if you're ever going to make a

now's the time to make it.

Otherwise, before you know it, another five years will go by and she'll be too

old for me.

Well, uh, what did you and Mary do on this date you had?

Well, we had an intimate dinner at the Chez Antoine, then we went back to her

place for coffee.

You went back to her place for coffee?

Well, we went back to her place for a week.

Didn't have coffee.

If you know what I mean.

Mary and Ted.

It's impossible.

Joey Hetherton amounts a ton.

Who brought me the candy? Oh, Ted left that

and the notes.

Ted.

Honestly, sometimes I don't believe that man.

Right. You wouldn't believe the... a story he just came in here with.

What story?

Ah, some crazy story about you and him going out on a date last night.

Ted said that he and I had a date.

There was no date. No date. All it was... Mary, you don't have to say a

know Ted.

Yeah, Ted's always bragging about something, and today it's you, so don't

about it. Right, believe us. We didn't give it a second thought.

Oh, hi, Mary.

Say, listen, did I by any chance lose a cuff link in your apartment last night?

Yeah, you did, Ted. I found it in the couch this morning.

hand with this coupling. It's kind of tricky.

Just make sure that Porky Pig is facing out.

Oh, excuse us, guys.

Look, Ted, I'm not quite sure how to put this.

Oh, you mean about the candies? Listen, nothing's too good for Ted Baxter's

woman. Ted, I am not your woman.

That's right, Mary. Play hard to get. I love to throw the chase.

Ted, there is no chase. There's no thrill. No chase, no thrill.

I don't want you going around giving people the impression that anything did.

Say no more.

I'm going to zip up my lips and lock the zipper and hide the key.

something I'm not supposed to know?

Oh, Ann, um, let me get something clear.

Oh, Mary, you don't have to. The blush in your cheek speaks for itself.

Isn't it wonderful that two people who for five years have shared nothing but a

business -like respect and admiration for one another, between whom no word of

love has ever passed, should one day one day awake and discover they have the

hots for each other.

All right, everybody, I'd like to say something.

I don't know what Ted told you happened last night, but I would like to get it

straight, just so there's no misunderstanding.

Not that it matters one way or the other, but just for the record, Ted

and I did not go out on a date last night.

True, we did have dinner together in a restaurant, and true, he did bring me

back to my apartment, did in fact come inside the apartment, and true, I did

kiss him goodnight, but there was no date.

Right? Oh, sure.

Good.

Who said there was a date? I mean, why should we think there was a date? Look,

Murray, if I were going out with Ted, I would admit it, wouldn't I?

Murray, you will come to my office first.

I'm going to tell you a little story.

When I was in the Army, I had the bunk under this guy. He used to get these

great packages of food from home.

One week, he got this giant salami.

And the next day, everybody in the barracks went out on this hike except

had the flu.

Anyway, when this guy got back to the barracks, he found that his salami

was missing.

Now, he never accused me or anything, but I could see it in his eyes every

he looked at me.

He figured that I was the one who stole his salami.

Finally, one day, I couldn't take it anymore.

And I went up to him and I said, Bernstein?

Tell me the truth.

Do you think I took your salami?

Do you really think I'm a salami thief?

And he said, yeah.

So I punched him in the nose.

You see my point, Mary?

Neither did Bernstein.

which, of course, convinced him that I was the one who stole his.

Anyway, what I'm trying to say is, you can't let yourself worry about what

people think about you, or you'll go crazy.

Look, you know what happened between Ted and you. Nothing happened between Ted

and me. All right, you know what didn't happen between you and me. I would like

to know that everyone else knows that nothing happened. The point is, who

what anybody else knows or thinks they know?

that you write for us. Thank you.

Hey, Mr. Grant, did they ever find out who stole Bernstein's salami?

I did.

Hiya. Hi, Mary. Come on in.

I'm sorry to bother you. No, you're not bothering me. I have to go out tonight

for the journalism class.

You want to see me about something in particular?

Yes.

You want to tell me what it is?

Yes.

Does it by any chance have something to do with Ted?

Yes.

Has somebody been telling you things about Ted and me?

Yes.

That's what you wanted to talk to me about. Yes.

Oh, wow, I'm glad I got that off my chest.

Georgette, I am not interested in Ted.

How could I possibly be interested in Ted?

I mean, how could anybody?

Georgette, what I'm trying to say is that if I worshipped Ted, I wouldn't get

involved with somebody you care about.

Oh, Mary, I'm so glad to hear that.

Well...

Listen, I gotta get to that class. There's coffee on the stove if you want

Oh, thanks.

I've gotta go home.

Bye -bye. Bye.

Georgia, could you answer that for me? Sure.

Oh, hi, Georgia.

I brought you some flowers.

It's all right, Ted. Don't try to pretend. I can see how it is.

And, Ted, maybe I'm just a fool, but I want you to know if it doesn't work out,

I'll take you back.

Well, that sounds fair.

Joe Jan, who was that?

Ted. Hi, Mayor.

What are you doing here?

Three guesses.

Before things get really crazy, I want you to explain to me why you are doing

this. I mean, why are you doing this all of a sudden?

And why are you doing it to me?

I got you, Mary.

Why this? Why now? Why you?

Yes, will you please tell me? Why not?

Mary, you don't know much about me, do you?

I mean, probably just what you read in my bio.

haven't read your bio.

You know nothing about me.

So, Mary, you're not going to tell me about Fresno, are you?

I'm not going to tell you about Fresno, where it all started in the 5 ,000 -watt

radio station.

No, Mary, I'm going to tell you about me and women, things I've never ever told

a human being before.

The only reason I'm telling you is that I'm hoping deep in my heart that after

you hear all this, you'll be a pushover.

No, no.

Mary, all my life, there's been a certain kind of woman that's

never been interested in me.

Classy, you know what I mean?

Uptown, she -she, ritzy, chic.

Dad, I'm not that kind of woman.

Well, I know, Mary, but you're as close as I'll ever get.

I know.

And Georgia, it's really better for me than you are.

Just once, I'd like to prove that I can get the kind of girl like you.

But, Ted, you didn't get me.

But nobody else knows that.

Good morning, everybody.

I just want to tell you, don't make any plans for this afternoon.

I am taping a very special show, and you're all invited.

It's called Soul Food for the Adventurous Wasp.

All right.

Okay, that does it. I've got to say something.

I don't know what I'm going to say, but I've got to say something.

What's wrong?

This whole crazy thing with Ted has just gotten out of hand. Now everybody in

the building thinks I'm easy pickings.

Ridiculous, Mary.

Oh, really?

Tony at the newsstand, who for five years has been saying, Good morning,

Richards. Today he greeted me with, How's tricks, cookie?

And just now, Ollie, the elevator man, stopped the car between floors, leered

me, and said he was out of gas.

Oh, what's the big deal? Ollie has to be at least 85 years old.

No wonder he's out of gas.

care what people think but i do i can't help it that's the way i am i wash my

hair before i go to the hairdresser somebody's stomach rumbles i'm terrified

that people will think it's mine once i went into a bookstore to buy a copy of

what you always wanted to know about sex but were afraid to ask i was afraid to

ask for the book so you can see why it's very important for me to know that you

all believe me about ted

here trying to get you to believe me, the less you do believe me.

Mary, we believe you.

How can you believe me? If I were listening to me talk like this, I

believe me.

Mary, you've got to calm down. Well, I can't.

Mary, you want to come in my office? No, Mr. Grant, the Bernstein story won't do

it.

I never did understand it.

Look, I'm really sorry.

I just, I thought I could maybe clear things up, and I don't even know what

talking about anymore, and I'm...

I'm very sorry, so let's just forget it and we'll go back to work.

Hold it.

Everybody stay where they are.

Now, now hear this.

For the past couple of days, I've been saying things allegedly there's

between Mary and me. Well, I lied.

In the first place, she didn't propose to me.

In the second place, she never offered to take me to Hawaii.

And in the third place, there are no fingernail scratches down my back.

They're all lies. I made them all up.

To sum it up, I am not now nor have I ever been Mary Richards' lover.

Okay, Mary?

I realize that was very hard for you to do, Ted.

Well, nobody's going to mess around with my little sister.

And if anybody ever gives you any trouble, you just come straight to yours

truly, okay? I mean anybody.

Even me.

And so you see, Chuckles, no matter what you heard, nothing happened between

Mary and me.

And I want to apologize if I said anything to give you the wrong

All right, okay, I'll see you.

Four down and 53 to go.