Original subtitles

Who can turn the world on with her smile?

Who can take a nothing day and suddenly make it all seem worthwhile?

Well, it's you, girl, and you should know it.

With each glance and every little movement you show it, love is all

need to waste it. You can never tell, why don't you take it?

You're gonna make it after all.

You're gonna make it after all.

Okay, here's the editing schedule to Friday, and here's a list of the

It's worth checking to see which news item comes before which commercial.

Otherwise, it can be a little embarrassing.

Yeah. Like when Ted read that item about the rate on the massage parlors,

followed by the commercial about letting your fingers do the walking. Right.

So how come you picked Mexico for a vacation?

Well, you know what I did?

I got out a great big map, I closed my eyes, jabbed my finger and said, this is

where I'm going to spend the week. And landed in Mexico.

No, Racine, Wisconsin.

It took me 11 jabs to get to Mexico.

Morning, Mer. Morning, Mer. Morning.

Oh, what a great day.

Look at me.

I guess from a glance at my face you can tell something wonderful's happened,

can't you?

No. There are no pennies on your eyelids.

Something wonderful's happened.

Wake the town, tell the people, shout it from the highest rooftops. Ed, what is

it? Come to think of it, it's kind of personal.

No time for knocking, Lou. This is too important. Great news.

Ted, I'm very busy. What is it?

Guess.

Ted, I've got a bitter game.

Close your eyes, pick a number, and take a hike.

Lou, this is the best thing that's ever happened to me. Come on, guess.

Ted! All right, here it is.

No, wait.

I can't leave Mary out of this.

Mary, would you step in here, please?

Ted, if it's so important, why...

including Murray. Right. Murray, you too. Come on in here. I'm a double

Oh, what the heck? All you guys in there. Come on, come on. Come on to the

You wanted to see me, Mr. Grant? I don't even know what the news is and already

I hate it.

It's good news, Lou.

And good news is something you share with your friends. And you are my

And I want every one of you to be the first to know.

Ted! My mother's getting married.

I hope it's not... because she has to.

Isn't it wonderful? I knew you'd all be thrilled.

Yeah, yeah, we're all thrilled. Okay, that's it. Back to your desks.

That's really wonderful news, Ted.

Yeah.

It's been 40 years since my old man walked out on her.

40 years with no one but little Ted Bertolino.

Oh, boy.

Oh, you guys don't know how important this is to me.

You've all got fathers.

Every mother's son of you.

You don't know what it's like to lie in bed at night praying.

Praying the styles won't change so Mom won't need a new dress.

You can sleep. Now you want to chips it down, Daddy's there.

Well, now so can I.

Because I'm going to become a son.

I'm going to become a son!

Let's just hope he's not twins.

Mary. Bon voyage.

Thank you. Hey, hey, hey, here.

Let me do that.

That's a man's job. Oh, thanks. I always have trouble with it anyway.

Yeah.

If you twist that little wire, it lifts right off.

All right.

Oh, so you be careful down in Mexico, Mary. A woman traveling alone in a

country is pretty helpless.

Right, I will.

If you spread the wire, it lifts right off.

Oh, check.

Now, you know anybody down there who can need help or anything?

Yeah, yeah, I've got a couple of friends.

Mr. Mann, I think you want to tilt the bottle a little to keep it from foaming

when the cork comes out.

Oh, yeah, got it. You got my home phone?

Yes, I do.

Nothing to it.

I guess it just looks hard. None of you know what you're doing.

This is your bon voyage.

Oh, she's going by boat, huh?

What are you doing here?

Well, it's Friday night, Lou.

Georgia's got a class. Usually got dinner at mom's, but she's pretty busy

days, so I thought I'd stop by and see how Mary's doing.

Well, gee, Ted, I'd ask you to have dinner with us, but I only made enough

two. Oh, hey, that's all right. Enjoy yourselves.

I'm sure I can find a greasy diner open somewhere in this cold house.

I'll hit you and sis. Okay. Sit down.

Well, here's to my new dad.

Here's to... Gee, I don't know what to call him.

Lou, what do your kids call you?

When they were little, it was Daddy.

In college, it was Father.

Now it's Daddy again.

I like Daddy.

Father costs money.

Daddy.

Daddy.

That's for girls.

You got girls, though. I don't think a man would say daddy.

Pop.

Pop. I'd say, Pop, hi, Pop.

Morning, Pop. Pop, meet Mary.

What's his name? I don't know.

My mom just calls him her gentleman friend.

When I was little, she used to always say they were my uncles.

This is great.

Oh, thank you. It's a new recipe of Sue Ann's.

That's good.

It is.

That's another thing, Mary.

When you're down in Mexico, be careful of the food down there.

And don't drink the water.

You know why?

I'll give you a hint, Mary.

Uncle's ever played with me.

None of them ever took me to a baseball game.

They don't have Uncle and Son's Day.

Hey, Ted, look, don't go have dinner by yourself. Have dinner with us. We'll

give you some of ours. You don't mind, Mr. Grant, do you?

No, I guess not.

Gee, thanks, guys.

You know, it wasn't easy for my mom.

She had to be both mother and father to me.

You know, that little lady actually put on boxing gloves to teach me to fight

because she thought a boy could learn.

Sounds like a wonderful woman.

And a wonderful teacher.

By the time I was 13, I could knock her silly.

Every time I call her, she's too busy.

Thanks. That's enough, Georgette.

Oh.

Oh. Is your back better?

Yeah, but now my neck hurts.

Can I tell you something? Not now, Georgette. I think I'm getting a

too.

Can't listen to me.

It's hard for me to make people listen because I don't have a very forceful way

of talking.

But sometimes what you say is more important than how you say it.

That's not true. Say that's not true.

This is what I want to tell you.

I don't think there's anything wrong with your back or your neck.

Then why do they hurt?

I think they hurt because deep down inside you think you're losing your mom.

All these years she's taken care of you and now... She's taken care of me?

I've been sending her money every month for 20 years. There's no telling how

much.

Somewhere between 60 and 61 ,000 bucks.

And she's given you comfort and advice and love.

And now your brain is telling you back in your neck your mommy's leaving you

they're not taking it too well.

It's what doctors call psychosomatic.

Psychosomatic? Yes, Ted.

What you have to realize is you're not losing a mother. You're gaining a

Yeah, that's right. I'm not losing your mother. I'm gaining a pop.

When we get married, they come visit me. I can visit them.

They take me to dinner. I can visit them.

We'll be just like one big happy family.

Of course you will.

Hey, you know something? My back doesn't hurt anymore.

And my neck doesn't either. And my headache's gone.

Yeah, as soon as I realized there was nothing to worry about, the pain went

away. That's wonderful, Ted.

Yeah.

And you thought it was psychosomatic.

How come we didn't get backup coverage on the remote?

Oh, Mary usually takes care of that.

This whole week, every time I've asked a question, I've gotten the same answer.

Mary usually takes care of that. Why can't someone come up with a new alibi?

Mary usually takes care of that.

I realize how hard she works.

I'd never have given her a vacation.

Hi, guys.

Sorry I'm late, Lou. I've been running all over town making plans for the

wedding. When's the big date, Ted?

I don't know. They haven't set a date yet.

Walter just came into town this morning.

Gosh, I can't wait to meet him.

It's going to be a beautiful ceremony.

I cry every time I think of it.

Why? Are you paying for it?

Well, actually, I am, and it isn't easy. I've got to take care of all the

details myself right now. I'm trying to pick out an orchestra.

See you, Lou.

Which one of these two do you think is better, the Lester -Goldman trio or the

electric bananas?

Ted, Mary's gone and I've got a lot of extra work to do, so if you don't

Oh, just one more question, Lou.

Do you think your friend Murphy, the combat photographer, could do a wedding

album?

Sure.

If the bride and groom don't mind wriggling to the altar on their bellies.

It's going to be a beautiful ceremony.

I'm going to give away the bride.

Give away?

I figured you'd find a way to sell her.

Mom wants it to be one of those modern ceremonies where the bride and groom

read something they've chosen themselves.

Walter's going to read a poem by Tennyson, and Mom's going to read a

passage from The Joy of Sex.

the minister she wants.

Boy, that reception's gonna be something, too.

When I propose a toast, it's gonna be the most beautiful, touching, moving

tribute that ever poured out of a son's heart.

Write me something, Murr.

Hello, Mom.

Hi, did Walter arrive in time?

Oh, good.

Say, listen, Mom, about the minister for the wedding. What?

What?

Oh, yeah.

Yeah, I'll, uh... I'll call you when I get home.

What's the matter, Ted?

Nothing.

Come on, Ted, what's the matter?

Mom and Walter are...

Getting married after all.

So they decided to break up?

No, they decided to shack up.

They hung up.

What's the difference?

Probably some lurid scandal magazine.

It might have been your mother.

Don't mention that name.

You mustn't be like this, Ted, sitting in your apartment all weekend with the

drapes closed.

You missed a beautiful sunny day.

It may be sunny out there, but in here, it was night with early morning cloud

cover.

No rain, baby, not tonight.

The fresh air would have done you good.

Oh, yeah.

Out in the streets where people would stare at me, pointing, whispering,

snickering. There goes Ted Baxter, the one whose mother is... No

one even knows your mother is... And anyway, your

mother is really a very sweet person.

I remember the first time you took me to meet her.

She gave me a big hug and led me over to the couch and sat me down and took a

good long look at me and said, so your kid's broad.

the only decent thing to do when two people are, you know.

It is?

Of course it is.

You believe that? Of course I do. Marriage is the only way for

people of their gender.

I'm going to say.

Phone company recommends that, you know.

Keep long distance calls short. Write everything down ahead of time. Who are

calling? My father.

My real father.

Somebody's got to tell him. Somebody's got to break the news that another man

has stolen the affections of the woman he deserted 40 years ago.

That could be a real blow.

Poor little father out there somewhere never expecting a voice from a father

that will change his life forever.

This is Ted. How are you? Nice talking to you, but I've got bad news. Mom's

living with the guy. Bye.

There's no good way to break bad news.

Hello, everybody.

Hi.

Not a word about the disgrace of the Twin Cities.

She's seen your newscast, Ted.

You know how good it is to see you, Mary. We all missed you around here.

I mean, the place just hasn't been the same without good old Mary to talk to.

Oh, Ted, that's really nice of you to say.

So, how's your mother?

None of your business.

Sit down.

Ted.

criticism? Sure, if it's constructive.

You're acting like a jackass.

Food for thought.

I'm tired of you carrying on about your mother.

Lou, you don't know what it's like to spend every day in fear that someone

you're responsible for is going to make you a laughingstock.

Yes, I do, Ted.

his intentions.

What I mean is talk to him.

Tell him where you stand and find out where he stands.

Talk to him man to man.

You know something, Lou? You may be right.

That's what I'll do tonight.

Talk to him man to man to man.

Haven't you got an extra man in there?

No, because you're coming with me, Lou.

I sure appreciate this big fella.

I hope so.

I feel like a fool.

Oh, I'm sorry you'd have to come to this.

But he asked for it, messing with my mom.

There it is, slew the bell.

What'll I do?

Come out of your corner, bobbing and weaving an answer.

All right, you stay right there.

Mr. Baxter, I'm Walter Tewksbury.

This is an honor.

May I call you Teddy?

Certainly not.

I didn't know you had company.

I'm Walter Tewksbury.

Lou Grant, Mr. Tewksbury. I was just leaving.

Well, I hope I'm not breaking up the party.

Oh, no, no, not at all. I just dropped by to pass the time of day with Teddy.

I'll just be slipping along now.

Think you can handle it? it, killer?

Don't go, Lou.

I have to, Ted.

In about 15 seconds, I'm going to start to giggle.

Now,

I don't giggle often.

You've probably never seen me giggle.

Let's keep it that way.

Nice meeting you, Mr. Tewksbury.

Oh, goodbye.

But hard, like me, Tewksbury.

It doesn't put up with any funny business.

Sit down.

Thank you.

Ted, you seem to be upset, and I think I know what it is.

Now, let me assure you, I'm not going to try to take the place of your natural

father.

Oh, my natural father.

I met him once in 40 years.

They borrowed 2 ,000 bucks and split.

Well, I can ease your mind on that score, too.

I'm financially pretty well off.

I want you to know that any time you're in need of anything, you can always come

to me.

I can?

Sure.

You mean, if I needed, say, a hundred bucks, I could just come to you and

give it to me? Sure.

I want you to know, Walter, that I appreciate that very much. Of course, I

wouldn't ask you for any money.

Certainly nice of you to offer.

Listen, Walter, why aren't you and Rob getting married?

Well, we just don't want to rush into anything.

After all, marriage is for a lifetime.

But I'm sure that we will eventually.

You will?

Well, that's terrific. That's what I wanted to know.

That's quite a load off my mind.

And you'd really give me $100 if I asked you for it?

That's right.

Would you like a drink, Walter?

Yes? I'll take a little scotch if you got it.

You know, my father taught me to drink scotch long years ago.

And you know something?

It's still my poison.

Well, no one ever taught me to drink.

I had to pick it up on the streets.

He was a grand old guy, my father.

He and I had some wonderful times together.

Did he take you to baseball games?

Oh, sure, sure.

In fact, I'm a big fan.

Are you?

You're not a big fan.

Well, say, would you like to go to a twin game sometime?

Twin game?

Yeah, Minnesota Twins.

Oh, I thought you meant like when they play two games in a row.

That's a doubleheader.

You really do know the game, don't you?

got $100 on you right now, Cash?

I do.

I have good scotch, by the way.

Well, I've got to get going, Ted.

I'm very glad we had a chance to meet each other.

And you know something?

You're a splendid young man.

Well, you're four stars with me, too, Walter.

Thank you.

See you soon.

Oh, Walter, could I please have $100?

Sure. Why didn't you say so?

It's not that I need the money, you understand. Actually, I... It's just

nobody ever gave me anything before.

There you are.

Oh, Daddy.

Walter's such a terrific guy. I can't wait for Father's Day.

I'll have two fathers to send cards to.

Of course, Walter's not really my father.

Say, do you think they've got a Father's Day card for your mother's lover?

Well, if they don't, they're missing out on a sizable market.

Hey, it just occurred to me the fact that my mother's living in sin.

Does that make me, uh... No, Ted, that doesn't make me one.

think of you as one anyway.

Thanks, man.