Original subtitles

Who can turn the world on with her smile?

Who can take a nothing day and suddenly make it all seem worthwhile?

Well, it's you, girl, and you should know it.

With each glance and every little movement you show it. Love is all alone,

need to waste it. You can never tell, why don't you take it?

You're gonna make it after all

You're gonna make it after

think of anything.

Me neither.

What? What about... Ah, no.

It stinks.

Mary, you can't get an idea by being negative. Let's try being positive. Who

knows? Maybe your idea will be terrific.

Okay. What about a documentary on women's changing role?

That stinks.

I know.

Mr. Grant, this is crazy. We finally get the money to do a documentary and we

can't even think of one.

All right, I'll tell you what. Sit down.

I'll just throw... out a lot of ideas really fast. You know, just anything to

get us thinking. Doesn't have to be good. Just anything. Move us into the

areas just real fast, okay? Okay.

Okay.

Maybe it'd be better if we went slow.

I'll tell you what, I cut some magazine articles out a little while ago. Why

don't we look through them?

Maybe we'll get an idea.

Yeah, yeah.

I mean, I'm not a model or anything. The very idea. I mean, me?

A model?

Me? A model?

What I'm saying is, I am too plain to ever be a model under

any circumstances.

You're just saying that.

Tell us.

We're working here. What do you want?

Well, the ballet opens tonight, and I was wondering if I could possibly borrow

some earrings.

Well, I don't have any.

I hate everything I have. I'm absolutely desperate. All right, all right. Just a

minute.

They're dancing Coppelia tonight.

Such a beautiful ballet.

As the curtain opens, the bell ringers alight, quickly followed by wildflowers.

Fellas, we are working here. We are working. We are looking for an idea for

documentary. Oh, I have one. Yeah?

What about the rising public interest in the supernatural?

Hey, you know, Mr. Grant, that's not a bad idea. What do you think?

No, that's not too bad. That could be pretty interesting. Thank you.

Mary, great.

Mike has never seen them.

Mike? Uh -huh.

Mike. The guy I go out with.

I need them to be nice and tight for when I toss my head back in that way I

have.

No, what do you mean the guy you go out with? I mean, does... Oh, I guess I

should explain.

As you know, Lars and I have this perfect marriage based on...

Mutual respect and esteem.

There's just one problem.

When it comes to culture, Lars is a pinhead.

So I've got myself a companion. Really bright, interesting guy. He and I go to

the ballet, concerts, and museums together.

Lars, of course, totally approves. I see.

I know it's a daring new concept, the idea that a man and woman can be just

friends.

But I've always been a pioneer.

If you'll remember, Mary, Lars and I had the first water pick in the building.

Oh, excuse me, I was looking... Mike!

Oh, hi, Phyllis. Lars told me you were up here.

Oh, Mike, this is my friend Mary Richards. Mike Tedesca. Mary, hi. Come

please. Do we have time to sit and chat?

Yeah, sure, we got time.

Lou, this is Mike Tedesca, little grand.

Oh, hi, Mike. Lou?

So, you like the ballet, huh? I certainly do.

Yeah, I've never been myself.

Well, you should go.

Yeah, I've been meaning to.

Well, I mean, there's something really beautiful about the way they move.

The timing, the coordination. It's like watching a double play from Reese to

Robinson to Hodges.

Yeah. Yeah? Yeah.

That was some team. Billy Cox III?

For real on, right? Ah!

to relate to everyone at his own level.

Well, I think we should be going.

We don't want to be late for Coppelia. Right. Well, it was nice meeting you

both. Yeah, same here. Thank you. Good meeting you. Say, Phyllis, thanks for

that idea on the supernatural.

Oh, yeah, it should make a great documentary. I know. When Channel 4 did

week, it was wonderful.

like a terrific guy.

Oh, I don't mean it that way, Murray. I mean, he just wasn't what I expected,

you know? I mean, he really was terrific.

Phyllis going out with another man? Why, that's disgusting.

A married woman playing around behind her husband's back? Oh, that's just

disgusting.

It's not what you think. Mike isn't interested in Phyllis for that sort of

thing.

Oh, I get it.

You mean the guy's a little...

What's four floors between friends?

Hi, Lou. Hi, Mike. How are you? How are you doing?

Mike, I'd like you to meet Murray Slaughter and Ted Baxter. This is Mike

Tedesco. Hello, Mike. Nice to meet you.

Oh.

Oh.

Mike, hello.

Hello. So, how was the ballet?

Oh, it was great. Just great.

Ballet, huh?

Mike went to the ballet.

Oh, well, either way, it's all right with me.

I've never cared what a guy's race, religion, or sex is.

Black or white, Jew or Gentile, AM or FM.

I mean, what the heck, we're just all people.

Some of us are.

Come on, Murray, it's your turn not to think of an idea for a documentary.

Good seeing you, Mike. Yeah, nice meeting you.

I'm a 19th floor.

Oh? I hope it was on the 11th floor, but... Well, you know, four floors is

thing, but going 12 floors for someone else, that's a commitment.

So, how was the ballet lesson? I asked you that, didn't I?

Yeah, listen.

This old friend of mine, a guy named Angie I grew up with in New York, I've

never forgotten his mother's cooking.

Well, by some wild chance, she's come out here. Mrs. Biamonte, his mother, has

opened up a restaurant.

I went there a couple of nights ago.

And Mary, it has, without a doubt, the worst food in the world.

So the point is, Mary, I would like to have dinner with me someplace else.

Oh.

Well, Mike, I'd love to, but the thing is, I'm just so very busy here.

Just, well, I know it doesn't look busy here.

Underneath, where it's really very busy. It's just, well, so much work, I can't

even think about it.

Well, look, if you, you know, should suddenly find yourself free.

Why don't you call me? I'll give you my number. Good, good, good.

And if you should lose this paper, don't worry. I'm in the book.

Okay. And if you should lose the book, don't worry. I'll call you.

My thanks for stopping by.

I, uh... Well, just... Thanks for stopping by.

Yeah, so long.

So long.

Well, he seemed like a nice guy.

He is.

He just asked me out.

Oh? Of course, I said no.

I mean, he's Phyllis's friend.

Well, Phyllis's platonic friend, you know, but still, I... Well, I'll be in

editing a few things.

Okay.

That guy is Mariel, huh? Yeah.

I just hope he's not trying to use her to get to me.

Come in.

Hi, how are you feeling?

Oh, not the same.

Well, I got you the magazine and the ice cream.

Oh, very great.

Ever since I was a teeny tiny little girl, whenever I'd get sick, my mommy'd

prop me up in bed, bring me a lot of magazines and ice cream, and now you

brought me magazines and ice cream.

Thank you, Bobby.

I love vanilla.

Whenever I love something, I'd say, I love it.

But not just with vanilla. Whenever I like something, I'd say, I loved it.

Like I love candy.

I love licorice.

I love daddy.

I love mommy. Phyllis, you're making me nauseous.

to have you miss the rig of the Nibelunga just cause Dub V caught a Dub

Hey, I got an idea. Why don't you take Mary?

Oh, no, no. Yeah, you know, I was just about to suggest the same thing myself.

Oh, no, thank you. Mary, please. I'll feel terrible if you don't go.

Well, okay.

Well, good, good.

Hey, come on, we better go. I know these Wagnerian operas. They don't feed

anybody during the last six hours. Yeah.

Phyllis, I hope you feel bad.

Oh, thank you.

Mary, could I see you for a second?

Yeah, sure.

Look, I'll bring the car around front, okay? Okay.

Mary, could you bring me back something after the opera?

Sure, Phil. What do you want?

Mike.

Lives in New York, doesn't she?

Yeah, Mr. Grant, she does. Mary, why are you making all these long -distance

calls? Well, Mr. Grant, it's just that sometimes things happen in my life, and

need to talk to Rhoda. I need her advice.

Well, why don't you use me?

Mr.

Grant, I'm sorry to laugh. It's the last thing in the world I would talk to you

about. Oh, no, no, no.

Don't get up. Sit down. Sit down.

The last thing in the world you talk to me about.

I'm your friend, right?

Right. And you're always talking to me about why don't I break away from this

thing about men are only good for some things and women are only good for other

things. I mean, why does a woman have to feel she can only confide in a woman?

Why can't she confide in a man just as well?

I think I'm going to be sorry, but I'll give it a try.

Hey, Lou, you want to go to lunch? I can't. Mary's going to confide in me.

Oh, yeah? What's the trouble?

Well, it's the kind of thing I usually don't talk to men about.

But I knocked the pegs out from under her, and now she's got it.

Well, you know this guy, Mike, who came to the news?

about four or five times in the last couple of weeks, and I'm beginning to

a little funny about it, you know? I mean, he's Phyllis' friend.

Well, how serious is it between you and Mike?

Oh, no, it's not serious at all. I mean, no.

We're just friends.

You mean he's never made a pass at you?

No. Well, maybe Ted was right about that.

Now I know why women never confide in men.

listening outside that door in silence.

Walk it up.

And do you seriously believe that a guy and a chick can go out five times

together and nothing happens? I mean, do you? I mean, it goes against nature.

Yeah.

Oh, and the man upstairs decreed that there would be two kinds of people in

world, male and female, and he did it for a reason.

Some people are squeamish about saying what that reason is, but I'm not afraid.

I'll come right out and say it. The reason is S .E .X.

That's why he made men and women different from each other.

He wanted them to have S .E .X.

If you didn't want them to have S .E .X., you'd have missed all the same.

That way, they would have been just one kind of person in this world.

Flat all over.

just hate people who borrow things and never return them. Which reminds me,

how's Mike?

He's fine.

Oh, good.

Good. Mary,

you want to hear something funny? This will really amuse you.

Remember when you told me yesterday that you and Mike were going to that

concert? Well, when I pictured you and Mike at the concert, swaying to the

seductive strains of Mahler's kindertoten leader.

Dear, funny, sweet, loony Mary.

I'm delighted that you and Mike are hitting it off so well.

Oh, Mary, I wanted to ask you, are you doing anything later?

Yeah, I'm going out with Mike.

Oh, okay.

Some other time.

Okay.

Isn't that funny?

I just felt that same pang again.

It's the most amusing phenomenon.

One minute you're having this civilized discussion with your dearest friend, and

suddenly you have a primitive urge to see her covered with honey and tied to

anthill.

But not as long as you're acting this way. Acting?

Acting how, my dear?

Bill, come on. For once in your life, will you say what you mean? Will you

talk plain?

Okay, cutie.

You want plain? I'm going to give you plain.

That dude isn't going to be interested in a cultural evening with a happily

married housewife when he's got... Action City, USA.

Phyllis, if that was bothering you, let me put your mind at rest.

My relationship with Mike is totally platonic.

I mean, totally.

Well, it's none of my business.

But I must say, I am surprised.

Because even though he knows I'm married, off limits, verboten, no

He's been so steamed up, I was afraid I was going to have to...

these pathetic little lies to make it sound like men find me irresistible.

Oh, Phil, come on.

Mike obviously enjoyed going out with you. Well, I hope you're right, Mary,

because these last few weeks have been so important to me to have someone to

dress up for.

Oh, I know I could dress up for Lars, but somehow it seems silly to put on

best ensemble for a man. who's walking around the house with a sweatshirt that

says, I'd rather be sailing.

Listen, I know how you feel.

You don't have anything to worry about. Mike and I are not involved.

Oh, Mary, that makes me feel so much better.

You were right, Mary. We should always be honest with each other.

Let's really be honest.

You know that stupid thing women have about telling their ages?

Let's tell.

tell you my age for the first time, and it isn't easy.

I am 43 years old.

That's right, Mary, 43.

Aren't you going to say something?

Boy, are you old.

We can go.

Mary, would you mind very much if we didn't go to a movie tonight?

No. No, to tell you the truth, I think if I see one more French film about a

sensitive schoolboy who learns all about life from a voluptuous yet sensitive

older woman. Who's his mother?

Right.

Would you like a drink?

No, I don't think so. Well, Mary, would you mind very much if I broke our date

this evening?

No.

But look, something's come up and I don't have much time. Can we talk?

Yeah, sure.

Look, we've gone out four or five times, right?

Right.

You've probably wondered why I haven't tried anything.

Oh, no.

Yes, as a matter of fact.

I have.

Well, look, I used to go with this girl named Sharon.

As a matter of fact, well, we lived together for about three years.

You never tried anything with her either?

Anyway, we broke up about a month ago.

That's when I started going out with Phyllis.

I had hoped it would sort of take my mind over things, but, Mary, it hasn't

worked. I've been pretty unhappy without Sharon. And as it turns out, Sharon's

been pretty unhappy without me.

And, well, so we're going to get married.

Oh, Mike.

Hey, that's wonderful.

Have you told Phyllis? No, I'll tell her right now.

Do you have any dental floss?

Lars won't eat his dinner until he knows he can floss when he finishes.

Am I mentioning Sharon, don't you?

Yes.

Well, I saw her this afternoon and we straightened things out.

We're going to get married.

Oh, Mike, how nice.

Have you told Mary?

Yeah, I just told her.

Oh, poor Mary.

I just hope that you and Sharon will be as happy in your marriage as Lars is in

mine.

Thanks. And, uh, Mary, I'd just like to say that if it hadn't been for Sharon...

Oh. Well, all I want to say is I think you're terrific. Thanks.

Fellas? Yes, Mike?

Fellas, there are no words to describe you.

you cared for Mike.

Phil, come on. I told you Mike and I were just friends. That's all.

Mary, don't try to be brave.

Come on. You can cry on my shoulder.

It's just an inexpensive selling these for a trail.

Oh.

Phyllis, in your own peculiar way, you really care about me, don't you? Care

about...

that Lars and Phyllis and Mike were having? What do you call that, open

marriage? Yeah. Well, maybe that would be a good idea for a documentary.

You know, it might be.

No, I don't like it, Lou.

Huh? No, I don't go for the idea of married people dating other people on a

purely friendly basis. Oh, come on, Murray.

Hasn't there ever been a woman in your life who was a friend and a companion

without any physical contact?

Yeah.

My wife.