Original subtitles

Who can turn the world on with her smile?

Who can take a nothing day and suddenly make it all seem worthwhile?

Well, it's you, girl, and you should know it.

With each glance and every little movement you show it. Love is all I

to waste it. You can never tell, why don't you take it?

You're gonna make it after all.

You're gonna make it after all.

Shopping for wedding presents on a Saturday afternoon is slow torture.

I think torture's supposed to be slow, Murray.

What would be the point of fast torture?

If it were anyone but Rhoda getting married, I wouldn't have done it.

Well, she'll appreciate it, Burr. Gee, I just hope she likes what we got.

It'll be a little difficult for her to fly back to Minneapolis to exchange

Oh, she'll love everything, Mary. Who wouldn't want silver on their dining

table? The Lone Ranger.

Sure is. These bows take forever to tie.

Now, let's see. This is the silver nut dish that I got from Mr. Grant to send

her. Oh, excuse me. I think that is the nut dish.

Yeah, this is my wine coaster.

No, this is the wine coaster.

Actually,

I think the wrapping was a little overdone.

months and she was a hundred years behind me in school sit down thank you i

i didn't mean to interrupt anything did you just have a birthday or something oh

no they're wedding presents for a friend is getting married ah half my class is

already married i'm like the old maid you know right

Georgette might just have those presents re -wrapped by then.

Nice meeting you too, Mr. Slaughter.

You know who else told me about you?

Mrs. Northfield.

My old English teacher. Oh, my. Your biggest fan at Roseburg High.

Mary Richards this, Mary Richards that.

She never stopped talking about you. How is she? Dead.

would have been unwrapped listen you better mark it right away so we remember

which one it is

would

you like a cup of coffee oh no thanks i can't stay mary i didn't mean to bother

you at home i well i just wanted to ask you about your work uh -huh you want to

get into television right that's why i looked you up Carla said you were the

everybody turned to when they needed help, and I really need help.

Well, Gloria, I'd love to help, but there just aren't any jobs open at WJM

now. I know. There are no jobs open anywhere.

Well, I tell you what. Why don't you at least come in Monday, and I'll show you

around anyway.

Oh, would you do that? Sure.

Oh, wow.

Oh, just to see the inside of a TV station would be such a kick.

Well,

shall I call you or what? No, I tell you, why don't you just come in about

How's that? Oh.

Oh, goodbye, Miss Franklin.

Bye. Gee, you're super.

Oh, come on. Just like Carla said.

All right, but listen, I'm not promising anything, huh? Okay. Still, I can't

turn down Carla Munson's sister.

Goodbye.

Who is Carla Munson?

Say, I forgot to ask you, Mary. What did I get Rhoda? Oh, a beautiful silver nut

dish. A nut dish?

Yeah.

that kind of nut dish?

And a guy on the next stool says, how about shoving that down this way, Max,

somebody else can have a few, that kind of nut dish?

Not exactly. No, this is a beautiful silver dish with a tiny, delicate

of a leaf on one side. Very delicate.

Yeah. Well, one of my bars nicer.

It has a picture of Mr. Peanut.

How come your talk always sounds like food?

Fudge. I need some interruption.

The station manager thinks my show needs improvement.

You all laughed when I told you.

Lou, how do I get him off my back?

Station manager, huh?

I know Ed Schroeder pretty well.

He's always had a weakness for the ladies.

If I were you, Sue Ann, well, you don't want to hear my suggestion.

Dear Lou, dear cryptic, bashful, dirty -minded Lou, I

suppose I owe him the courtesy of listening to his vile suggestion.

my chin i noticed it was washing out under the studio light so i darkened it

with a ballpoint pen looks like your face has a little blue belly button

Charming child.

This is Gloria Munson. She'd like to get into television.

Well, you've come to the right place, Gloria.

Well, Ted actually already told her that we have no job openings.

All I want is a chance.

Well, I might be able to pull a few strings.

I'll do the lowest kind of unskilled work.

Watch it, Ted. Competition.

Lou, you should be ashamed of yourself.

And thanks.

You know, Sue Ann, she is my idol.

My absolute favorite television personality.

I don't believe I've met this adorable and perceptive youngster.

Sue Ann, this is Gloria Munson. She's looking for a job, but I... Is there any

chance that... that I could watch you tape a show, Miss Nivens, in person? I

never miss it. I even watch your reruns. I've seen your pêche flambé six times.

And I know your dumplings by heart.

Who doesn't?

It's a wonder you never became more successful.

Miss Simmons.

Oh, call me Sue Ann.

Well, may I watch you, please?

Certainly. Is it all right, Mary? Yeah, sure.

Perhaps I can help. I think television needs bright young women.

Look at me.

I mean, to a certain extent, Mary.

I mean, I'm not just Sue Ann's stand -in. She lets me help her out in every

I can. This morning, I peeled onions, cleaned a fish, scoured the oven, and

unclogged a drain.

Oh, Mary, isn't show business just wonderful?

Hi,

Mary. Hello, Mary.

Ed, I'd like you to know my new stand -in, Gloria Munson.

Gloria, this is Mr. Schroeder, WJM's station manager. Hello, Gloria. Oh, it's

such an honor to meet you, Mr. Schroeder.

Wow, you look so young to have such an important job.

Well, I'm...

Ed's been making some more suggestions.

Oh, what kind of suggestions? I thought Sue Ann's show was very successful. Oh,

yeah, it is, Mary, but you can't rest on yesterday's laurels. The public demands

change. You must have found that on your show.

Oh, yeah, yeah, we try to change the news almost every night.

Well, listen, I've got to get going. I just wanted to say I think it's terrific

the way things are working out.

Sue Ann, I feel that your show needs some changes, some new elements.

Frankly, Jane Q. Public is getting a wee bit tired of the same old household

hints every day. The same old... The same old hints?

Here's what I'm doing today.

Tell me if these sound like the same old hints.

Lemon juice your knickknacks?

New life for your squeegee?

Moisten your suction?

Mr. Schroeder, I know it's not my place to say anything, but I think Sue Ann's

show is just wonderful, and I think you should be proud to present it on your

station.

What a sweet, generous, accurate thing to say.

Of course, I'm sure there's not a TV show in the world that couldn't stand a

changes. What sort of changes?

Well, since you asked, Sue Ann, I was thinking this morning, wouldn't it be

terrific if...

Oh, you don't want to hear this?

That's right, dear.

No, no, please, go ahead. I'd like to hear it. Well, with everyone so

with physical fitness these days, why don't we demonstrate some calisthenics

housewives? That's very interesting.

As a matter of fact, it might appeal to the male audience. After all, men love

to watch an attractive girl do gymnastics.

Marvelous idea, Gloria.

I'll just lower the neckline on my leotards.

What sort of exercises did you see me doing?

Oh, something simple like this.

One, two, three, four, five, six, seven, eight.

Wait a minute. I have got a terrific idea.

Sue Ann, you can describe the exercises, and Gloria can demonstrate them.

On the air? Of course. Oh, no. Oh, yes. Now, why don't you both work up

something for tomorrow's show? But... Trust me.

It's going to be terrific.

Bye, Gloria.

Goodbye.

I can't believe it.

I'm actually going to be on television tomorrow.

What do you think I should do for my first exercise?

What about a headstand?

What did you want to talk to me about?

Mary, did you know the best time to cut a flower is when the bud turns soft?

No, no, I didn't. What did you want to talk to me about?

Well, just that Ed Schroeder now feels that that exercise spot works better

Gloria doing the whole thing.

Oh, so you mean as well as demonstrating them, she'll be describing them, too?

Yes. Did you know a lump of sugar will make your rosebuds open faster? No, I

didn't. So, Ann, why do you keep changing the subject?

Because I'm arranging flowers, dear.

If I concentrate on these aromatic blooms, I can create a floral fantasy.

Whereas if I think about Gloria, I'm apt to rip their smelly little heads off.

Look,

I think I understand how you feel. Mary, let me fill you in.

Three days ago, he met her for the first time.

The next day, he took her to lunch.

Last night, he took her to dinner.

Today, he's been calling her repeatedly on the telephone.

Uh -huh. So she's sort of become his, uh, protégé?

Oh, Mary, how well you put things.

His protégé. I do like that word.

Protégé. From the French.

Meaning your place or mine.

Little Miss Muffet is after my job. Oh, come on, Sue Ann. Why does that have to

follow? All right, so she's dating the program manager.

become good friends, very good friends, assuming they do.

All right, all right, let's say they do.

Let's assume that she is doing what you think she's doing. Why does that

necessarily mean she's going to get your job?

How do you think I got it?

Isn't it delicious, Mary? Thank you. What's it called?

Well, I don't think it has a name. It's just a casserole. It's wonderful.

I love chicken and zucchini.

Georgette, this doesn't have either chicken or zucchini.

I know, but I love them. And I also love this.

So this reminded me of them.

Gotcha. We're going to Rhoda's wedding.

What reminded you of that?

That was a new thought.

i leave friday after work either mr grant or murray will drive me to the

if i were you i'd have them both do it just for the company i'm afraid of

i once had a very bad experience in an airplane what happened it took off

somebody, okay?

Yeah, sure.

Hello, Georgia.

That looks good.

What is it?

Not zucchini.

Would you like some?

Oh, no thanks, dear.

As a rule, I enjoy amateur food.

I'm just too upset.

Schroeder's finally done it. What now?

Tomorrow, in addition to a regular exercise spot, Gloria will also be

little baking demonstration.

her own baking spot on your show?

I don't know, dear.

Perhaps he has a weakness for tarts.

the station manager.

And he's not about to make a star out of someone who's totally incompetent. Of

course not.

He's the one who hired Ted.

The secret of Zavaglioni Tarts is to make the crust flaky as snow.

I'm sorry. I've got to turn the sound down.

I just can't listen to her. I think she's flaky as snow.

What's Juan doing during all this?

See, those are her hands passing the ingredients.

See the ones with the very white knuckles?

Something you're right, it's better with the sound off.

Sure, besides, I can give you a play -by -play.

With her left hand, she's stirring some funny white glop with a wire thing that

has loops.

Now, with her right hand, she's pouring the glop.

You know, a lot of little funny things that look like falsies.

the technical term for falsies is pastry shell.

I just can't believe it. Gloria seemed so sweet.

Well, not to me.

I spotted Gloria the minute she walked in here.

Something about her looked phony to me.

Maybe she was wearing pastry shells.

All I can't figure out is what that dummy Schroeder sees in her.

I mean, I know he's the boss around here, but I saw the show with my own

and my own objective opinion.

Glory was awful.

Good. Awfully good.

Wasn't she, guys?

Wasn't she something, that Glory?

Listen, there's going to be a celebration down on the set, and I want

be there. Right behind you, Chief.

Have you tasted these?

Glory made them all herself. Have one. Wonderful.

They're Napoleons. And after all, you are our emperor.

Long live the emperor.

I'm so glad you could all come to our little party.

People, you must try some of Gloria's creations.

Have some croquembouche.

Ah, just my luck. I had croquembouche for breakfast.

Mary, isn't Gloria's pastry delicious?

You know something, Sue Ann? You're being more than sportsmanlike.

Yeah, you got a lot of class to win. A champ.

Really, you're being terrific.

Just terrific. I'm impressed. Me too.

What are you up to?

Mary, can't you just accept the fact that I'm bowing out gracefully?

No.

Folks at WJM, I guess it's no secret that a star was born today.

It's no secret a star was born today.

Which, of course, is not to take anything away from our own Sue Ann

has always done a super job.

Always done a super job.

Right.

Personally, I do not believe that a show can operate efficiently with two stars.

Efficiently with two stars.

So here's my solution.

Maybe our station is better off without stars.

After all, if we've got good people working together as equals, who needs

Let's just do away with stars.

Schroeder, you're making a fool of yourself over abroad.

Oh, boy.

What is it?

It ain't that, what do you call it, too fast.

I think I gave myself a real bellyache.

Oh, Murr, that's too bad. I'll get you some bicarbonate.

We all ate different things, Lou.

Why? I don't feel so good.

Me either.

Is it sort of like you swallowed a hot mitten?

More like a percolator.

Now your knees shaky?

And I'm sweating behind the ears.

What is it?

Maybe we're in love.

Mustn't keep my public waiting.

We can't afford to lollygag.

Don't say gag, Ted.

You know something, Sue Ann? Suddenly, I'm getting this awful suspicion.

Don't blame Gloria, Mary.

The child's a neophyte. She's green.

She's not the only one.

Understandable accident.

Hot lights will make cream go bad like that.

You mean Gloria made the mistake of not refrigerating the cream?

No.

mistake of asking me to do it.

Sue Ann, you knew and you stood there and you let us eat that cream.

Mary, I ate it too, for the good of the show.

After all, as I said to Gloria just now, bending down to where she was lying

under the sink.

Can't stand the heat, dear. Get out of my kitchen.

I've never yet missed our show.

Oh, I'm sorry, Lou, but it only lasts a few hours.

Good evening, Mrs. Ted Baxter with headlines and deadlines from around the

world, Washington.

In a statement on the economy released earlier today, President Ford said...

able to go to New York, I would have missed Rhoda's wedding. Don't worry. If

didn't show up, Rhoda would postpone the wedding.

You ready?

Yeah. But listen, Mr. Grant, you don't both have to drive me to the airport.

I want to go. They got a great bar at the airport.

I want to check out their nut dish.

Well, Mayor, off to the airport, eh? Yep.

Well, have fun in Fun City. Thank you, Ted.

I just can't get over having that thing hit me last night right on camera.

But if I do say so myself, I think I cover pretty well.

I doubt if anyone even knew I was sick.

Except for that one time you looked into the camera and yelled, if there is a

doctor within the sound of my voice, please help me.

Oh, hi, Mary. I see you're off. Yep. Now you have fun at that wedding. Oh,

thanks. And don't forget to kiss all the ushers for me.

Sue Ann, you don't kiss the ushers in a wedding.

Mary, dear, don't tell me how to have fun at a wedding.