Original subtitles

Who can turn the world on with her smile?

Who can take a nothing day and suddenly make it all seem worthwhile?

Well, it's you, girl, and you should know it.

With each glance and every little movement you show it. Love is all alone,

need to waste it. You can never tell, why don't you take it?

You're gonna make it after all.

You're gonna make it after all.

Whole ground wheat with raw nuts and raisins.

Ted, you're wasting your time.

That's health food cereal. They don't put prizes in it.

I didn't know you made Lou's breakfast for him, Mary.

Starting tomorrow, include your rank in there, will you?

I like Cocoa Puffs, Kaboom, and anything they shoot out of a cannon.

No, Ted, I'm not going to make your breakfast for you. I volunteered to do

for Mr. Grant because, well, since Mrs. Grant left him, he hasn't been handling

things like meals too well.

Wasn't eating his breakfast?

Well, his version of breakfast, a bottle of beer and some Oreos.

Is he still coming over every night, Mayor?

Yeah. Well, you know, he just doesn't know what to do with himself.

I mean, he and Mrs. Grant were married for 26 years.

He's just not making it on his own. I mean, even things like waking up in the

morning.

I mean, he was oversleeping every morning until I started giving him a

call. He missed one, Ted.

Ho, ho, ho.

Sorry, Lou.

Right, Murr.

Mary, in my office.

Something wrong, Mr. Grant?

Mary, you've got to find me a laundry.

My washer and dryer broke.

It's reached the point where this is the only shirt that still looks good in the

whole house.

Mr. Grant, could you move the bags?

Oh, yeah.

You want me to find a repair service for you? No, thanks. I've called a repair

service. What'd they say?

The man should be there sometime between 9 and 6, they say.

Oh, how convenient, I say. That exactly coincides with my working hours. That's

what they say.

You know what else they do when you're working? They say they'll send a man

at noon. So at noon, you race home, and you find a note saying, Sorry, we miss

you.

It's too much.

Mary, you missed my point. I'm not here to swap stories over the back...

I want to get my laundry done. I will find you a laundry. All right, thanks.

Mary, that was favor number one. Now we're up to favor number two.

Yeah, sure.

Could you sort of casually drop in on Edie and then come back and tell me how

she's getting along?

Oh, Mr. Grant, no. You want me to spy on her? Oh, Mary.

I'm not asking you to spy on...

I wouldn't have to get a spy on her.

I'm just saying, could you visit her and then secretly report back to me

everything you know?

One slice of banana?

Mr. Grant, I don't want to do this. A lot. I mean, I just don't want to be in

the middle.

Look, Mary, you're not going to be in the middle.

I'm really worried.

She's out there alone somewhere without a master charge.

I just want to know how she is. But I'm sure she's just fine.

Would you go if there was a really important reason to see Edie? Yes, of

I would, but there's nothing like that.

How about this letter?

With the stamp of the United States of America, which must go through.

There's cash in there.

Yeah, two cents from Reader's Digest.

I mean, no place blue? You're dreaming.

Oh, Rhoda, I hope not. But he said he wasn't coming over for dinner tonight.

Mary, he always says he isn't coming over tonight.

I mean, every night he's come over, he said he's not coming over.

Hey, listen, I want to ask you a tough question, and I want you to be truthful.

Oh, that question.

Well, the answer to that is, when I was 20.

wants me to see Mrs. Grant as a kind of a go -between.

Do you think I should?

You call that a tough question? That's not a tough question. A tough question

if you and Paul Newman were stranded on a desert island and he had amnesia,

would you tell him he was married to Joanne Woodward?

That would be a tough question.

In answer to your question, don't be ridiculous.

She'll only get in the middle. I know, I know. But I just keep thinking maybe it

would help get them back together. I mean, you know, anything that works.

Little did you know that when they split up, you'd get custody of Lou.

Listen, Rhoda, if he does come over, would you stay?

Sure, I'll stay.

Listen, he's cute.

I love how he lumbers in here, wondering about his dinner.

He walks in that door every night at 8 o 'clock, dumps his life in my lap, and

then leaves at 11.

I mean, I don't even go out at night anymore. I just, I can't stand the

of him knocking at that door and not getting any answer.

Hello? Hello?

Thank you.

I said to myself, I know Mary's making ham. Smells great.

Well, thank you, but it's red snapper.

Red snapper?

That's not a kind of ham, Mary.

That's a kind of fish.

Well, yes, I know.

Red snapper's a fish.

You didn't tell me we were having fish, Mary.

Don't you like fish, Lou?

Fish has bones in it.

You pick around the bones. That's how that's done. You see, you just pick

them. I just thought we were having ham, that's all.

Lou, I know I am speaking for Mary.

Mayor, I hope this is all right.

Mary can take the bones out of your fish before she even serves you your fish.

She can do that, Lou.

Couldn't you do that, Mary?

I could do that, Mr. Grant.

Well, either way, I just thought we were having ham, that's all.

What else do we have?

What vegetables?

Corn. Corn?

Well, corn's okay. I'm not in love with corn.

What else?

Well, I thought we'd have a big... Oh, corn is more than okay. No, corn's fine.

Good choice, Mary Corn.

What a relief.

So, what kind of day did you have, Rhoda? Oh, me, Lou? A good day. Very

thank you. What kind of day did you have, Mary?

Did you know what kind of day I had?

Well, maybe Rhoda would like to know what you did.

Yes, Mary, what did you do today?

I'll tell you what she did.

Her boss, her friend, asked her to do him a little favor.

Just a small favor to go see his wife.

And she said she wouldn't. Mr. Grant, we went through all that. today. Do we

have to go through it again now? Look, I don't want to get in the middle of your

fight. Why don't you sign my report card? I'm going to my room. Hey, what

is it? There's a good fight on TV tonight.

Oh, gee, Mr. Grant, I really don't feel like watching a fight.

Lou, why don't you go upstairs and watch the fight on my TV?

Hey, I don't have to see it if you two want to watch something else.

No, no, that's okay, really. If we want to watch something, we'll watch it at

Rhoda's. She's got this little, what is it, tummy TV.

Got a little...

screen about that big. Last night I watched Torah, Torah, Torah.

However, all I got was Torah, Torah.

Hey, I don't want to put you two out.

Why don't I go watch the fights at a bar or something?

No, Mr. Grant, I don't want you sitting alone in some dumb bar. I want you

staying home tonight.

I mean, here.

In my... Because this isn't yours.

It's mine.

I'll see Mrs.

Grant tomorrow.

I will. I will do that.

Oh, yes. I will.

Sure.

Well, Mary, hello.

Hello. I was so glad when you called.

Well, listen, I really, you know, can only stay a little while. I mostly was

just wondering how you are.

How sweet of you.

Well, this is it.

Won't you come in?

Well, yes, okay, but really, just for a minute, just a minute.

Everything here is an et.

This is a kitchenette, a dinette.

Would you care for a drinkette?

It's really great.

You know, it looks like you.

Thanks, I kind of thought it did, too. Has my eyes.

So, how are you?

Tonight, pretty good.

Good. Come sit down, Mary.

It's really nice of you. to drop by, especially since you're so much closer

Lou than to me.

Oh, no, I like to think that I'm close to both of you.

Really, Mrs.

Edie?

How's Lou?

Fine.

You know, I miss him.

I'd like to call and invite him to dinner, but I'm afraid he'd take it

read all sorts of things into it, like I want to get back together again or

something.

Maybe you could...

No, I don't want to put you in the middle. Oh, well, no.

Put me in the middle.

What is the big deal about being put in the middle?

What night would you like him to come over?

Well, how about Thursday?

I'll ask him.

Excuse me. Sure.

and I said to myself, why does she always get to be the good one?

And I'm here to see to it that Ted doesn't stay too long.

Oh, come on in.

Can I get you anything?

No, no, thanks.

Are you sure, Mary? Yes, really.

I'll have a cream soda.

Tall glass, lots of ice, and a twist of lemon.

I don't think I have cream soda. Would you take ginger ale instead?

Oh, well, never mind.

Edie, I want to come right to the point.

Lou, is heavily involved with a French showgirl named Brigitte Dubois.

And if you don't make your move pretty soon, you're going to lose him forever.

Ted! Ted, a phone call for you.

Oh, excuse me. I'll have that ginger ale.

You are just making matters worse. Look, I can't explain it to you now, but I

will later at the office, okay?

I got you, got you.

Hello?

There was no phone call either? No.

Tell Mr.

Cronkite I can't speak to him now. I'll call him later.

Hello.

Edie, I was out of line with what I said before because it wasn't the truth.

The real truth is, Lou is ready to crawl back to you.

and crawl back to you begging your forgiveness if you'll only take them

Oh, come on, Edie, be a sport.

Telegram, Ted.

All right, so I'm not the most diplomatic person in the world, but I

Edie, I know I speak for all of us when I say all we want is for you two crazy

kids to sit down and at least talk this thing over.

All right, Ted, I'll tell you what.

Mary, why... Why don't you ask Lou to come here for dinner Thursday evening?

That's a good idea, Edie.

Where?

And you thought I was going to come here and just make a fool of myself?

Morning. Morning, Lou.

Oh, Mr. Grant.

I saw Edie last night. Oh, yeah? That's nice. Murray, let's try to get those

demographic charts out by tonight.

Could you come in for a minute, please?

What'd she do? What'd she say? How'd she act? Wait.

Okay, what'd she do? What'd she say? How'd she act?

Wait.

Start at the beginning. You got there.

All right, I got there. Wait.

Start with when you called.

Okay? Okay.

I called and said that I'd like to drop by.

What'd she say? She said, fine.

Uh -huh. And I said, uh, all right, then I'll see you later. What did she say?

She said, fine.

Look, Mary, see, what I'm actually looking for is something like, you said

something, and Edie suddenly screamed out, oh, my Lou, I love him so, I can't

say it.

stand living without him anymore.

Was there anything along those lines?

Well, no.

I see.

Well, I went over to her apartment.

What did it look like, her apartment?

Oh, very nice, very comfortable.

But what did it look like? Well, it looked airy, a nice couch and fluffy

pillows. Oh, there was a Queen Anne desk, a replica, or maybe it was Louis

XIV.

No, I think it was most likely Queen Anne, because I always get those two

periods mixed up anyway. What did it look like?

Did it look like the apartment of a woman who's going to stay there briefly

then move back to her husband?

Did it look like the apartment of someone who's going to be there for a

and wants to make it more attractive for another man?

What am I saying?

Evie's not going around with another man.

Is she?

How would I know? I don't. Mary, you are in the woman's apartment. There are

signs. There are hints.

Well... Was there a guy lying on the couch?

Mr. Grant, if she were seeing another man, would she want you to come over to

dinner this Thursday at 7 .30?

She... She wants me to come to dinner Thursday night?

So there's another man.

me I smell good.

Yes, I did, Ted. I really did.

I've always noticed that you're a guy who looks nice, dresses well, and smells

good.

Come on, Lou. You didn't ask me to come in and tell me I look nice, dress well,

smell good, and do a heck of a job with the news.

Yes, I did, Ted. I really did. You see, tonight is a very special night for me.

And tonight, I'm particularly interested in your smell.

Lou, how long has it been since your wife left you?

Ted, I just want to borrow your aftershave.

Oh, that makes sense.

I'll go up to my dressing room and get it.

Mr. Grant, here's the film on that railroad story you wanted. Oh, thanks.

Oh, Mr. Grant, you look so nice.

Look at your hair.

I just got it cut, that's all. Where's my other cuff link?

Well, you just... Look, your tie, the shirt, your hair. You look just... Well,

so nice.

Do we have to keep talking about this?

Lou, what happened to your hair?

It looks all arranged.

I got it cut, that's all. And it's combed. You combed your hair.

I'm just going to be seeing Edie tonight, that's all.

Oh, hey, good luck, Lou.

Really. Okay, okay.

All I can say is, Lou, my heart will be with you.

My thoughts and hopes will be by your side.

I'm just dropping by, that's all. I'm just dropping by.

Excuse me.

Okay, Ted.

Thanks.

Well, aren't you going to use it, Lou?

That's all, Ted.

everybody. I really hadn't planned on drawing a crowd.

Why doesn't everybody just go home?

Go home, everybody!

Well, I guess I'll just mosey on home.

Just remember, Lou, I'll be thinking of you and praying as hard as I can that

everything turns out right.

And also try to relax.

I never thought you'd really like any place I got for myself.

Oh, I like it. I think it's fantastic.

Very, very nice place. Yeah.

I like the carpet.

I like those drapes.

I like those drapes.

Hey, am I nuts or is that a Queen Anne desk?

Nice Queen Anne desk.

Thank you.

Nice couch.

Yeah, nice.

Very comfortable.

Wow.

I just flat come out and say, let's have marital relations.

Edie, you want to have marital relations?

No, no.

So this is a crummy place you left me for.

keep track here all the time without ever having to leave your window.

Just think, when you're an old lady, you can sit there in a rocking chair and

you can say, sold another one.

Sixteen billion and three.

Lou, I really feel that we should think of each other as friends.

Look, some theater tickets came that we ordered a while back and they're for

next Thursday and I think we should go together, but as friends.

What do you think?

To think of each other as friends.

Kind of like pals.

Buddies.

Amigos.

Is that correct?

Lou, you know what I mean.

Well, we had three daughters together, pal.

We slept in the same bed approximately 26 years, old buddy.

And now what you're saying is you want us to be friends.

Was that the word you used?

Yes, that... What's the word I used?

We're not going to be friends, Edie.

I told you I never wanted another woman when I meant it. And I told you I never

wanted another woman when I didn't mean it. And we survived it all. All of it.

I'm going to go to that play with you, Edie. Am I going as a friend or not a

friend?

Not. Not as a friend.

after shaving, he thinks he's going to sit there and dummy up on me?

Listen, I don't know what to tell you.

We talked about her new job, and I pretended I was interested.

We talked about my office, and she pretended she was interested.

I pretended to enjoy the fish.

We watched a little television.

She went to bed, and I went out to a bar and had a couple of drinks, just like

we were married.