Original subtitles

Who can turn the world on with her smile?

Who can take a nothing day and suddenly make it all seem worthwhile?

Well, it's you, girl, and you should know it.

With each glance and every little movement you show it. Love is all

need to waste it. You can never tell, why don't you take it?

You're gonna make it after all.

You're gonna make it after all.

Mary, how does this sound?

A memo to Ted Baxter from Murray Slaughter regarding last night's show.

Dear Ted, when you finish with one page of the script, please turn it over.

This handy hint will prevent the recurrence of last night's embarrassment

you read the same page twice.

What do you think?

I think you really earned your paycheck this week.

Mary.

Marie and I were talking the other night as we were laying in bed about three o

'clock in the morning, having one of those casual conversations.

about how to survive on my salary.

And she asked me a question I couldn't answer, so I thought I'd ask you.

Oh, well, what is it?

Uh, how much money does Ted make?

Oh, well, Murray, I don't think I can tell you that.

That's even more than I thought.

See you in two weeks, girls.

I'm here.

Hi, Ted.

Who are those ladies?

They're my groupies.

Officers of the Ten Factor Fan Clubs International.

Oh.

Care for a cookie?

Oh, gee, I don't think so.

Kind of a funny shape, aren't they?

Well, that's my face.

The girls had a special cookie cutter made in my profile.

Oh, sort of like animal crackers then, aren't they?

Mr. Grant wants you to sign your contract renewal.

Oh, sorry, Mayor. I'm not going to do it. I'm not going to sign it.

What?

I'm tired of being Mr. Pushover. I've been taken advantage of long enough.

This year, it's going to be different. I want what's coming to me.

Ted, Mr. Grant is going to be very upset if I don't come back with your signed

contract. Well, tough toenails.

Just because Ted Baxter is a pussycat is no reason why everyone should take

advantage of him.

Don't do something you're going to be sorry for later. Just sign the contract.

You know what I think of this contract?

That's what I think of this contract.

Ted, this is your contract.

And what's this?

That was your paycheck.

Oh, you're not Mary.

You're Rita.

No, Ted, I'm not Rita. I'm Rhoda. Of course.

I'm always getting you and Rita confused. You look so much alike.

I bet a lot of people do that.

Mary!

Ted! Hi, Mary. What are you doing here?

Well, just driving through the neighborhood. I thought I'd drop in.

I'm a little concerned about the way my contract negotiations are going.

Mr. Grant won't talk about it. Well, that's what I'm concerned about.

Mary, look, you're on the inside.

What do you think is the top figure I could get? Ted, I think you're getting

Well, that gives me a rough idea.

Look, I was thinking maybe you could use your influence with Lou and help me get

a raise.

Ted, I really don't think I can do that. Oh, sure you can.

Lou respects your opinion.

I bet if you told him you thought I should get more money, why he'd do it?

I know he would.

Ted, are you bribing me?

I know.

Does that look like a bribe, Rhoda?

Maybe in Minneapolis, not in New York.

Ted, I can't take this money. Nonsense.

It's a gift.

Ted. No, just think of it as a small token of my appreciation for all the

you've done in the past and for what you may do in the future. Ted, I cannot

take this money. There is just a gift just between friends.

Thanks a lot, kiddo.

You're a great little gal.

In that case, I won't talk to you or your agent. Oh, come on.

Just talk to her. She's right outside the door. She?

Lou, how's it going to look? My very first agent, you won't even talk to her.

Ted, I am not talking to your agent. Shh, please, Lou. You don't want to

embarrass me, do you? Ted, I am not talking to your agent.

Just give me a raise. Just give me a little raise. You won't have to talk to

her. I'll fire her. What has she ever done for me?

Lou, I'm not asking for a lot. Just a little bit more money.

Lou, I'm... I'm not getting any younger.

I've got to make it now while I can.

Pretty soon it's going to be all over for me.

Gray old man out in the cold.

Alone, hungry.

No one to turn to.

Stopping strangers on the street.

Buddy, can you spare a dime?

Dad. Yes, Lou? Dang, you're Asian.

Thanks, Lou. I'll never forget you for this. Dad.

Yeah? You groveled great.

Thanks.

Bella?

Lou, I wanted to meet my agent, Bella Swan.

Bella, look right.

So nice to meet you, Mr. Grant.

Nice meeting you, Miss Swan. Won't you sit down?

Can I get you something to drink? Well, a cup of tea would be nice.

I'll see if I can dig some up.

Now, bring that chair right over next to me, dear.

Do you think we could get a cup of nice, hot tea?

And a glass of... of milk for Teddy.

And a glass of milk.

Thanks. You know, Mr. Kent, I've known Teddy since he was a little boy.

Really? He was such a cute little boy.

He used to run around with this little stuffed bear.

It wouldn't go anywhere without it.

Who is the milk for?

If I'd have known it was for you, Ted, I would have put some Bosco in it.

Now, Miss Swan, I think you should know that I do not intend to give Ted any

more money. Oh, we don't want any more money, Mr. Grant.

We want our freedom.

You do? We do.

Uh, excuse me, Lou. I want to have a little conference with my agent.

Just finish drinking your milk.

Now, Mr. Grant, I've gone over Teddy's contract, and I find there's a clause in

it that says he's not free to do other kinds of work.

Such as?

Oh, well, motion pictures, Broadway, things like that.

Oh, that clause.

Now, all we're asking is that clause be stricken from the contract.

Ted's going to get a raise. I know he's going to get a raise.

Murray, Ted is not going to get a raise. Mr.

Grant isn't about to... Thanks a lot, Lou.

appreciate it. I knew it. He got it. I knew it. Nice doing business with you,

Mr. Grant. Same here, Miss Swann.

Bella. Bella.

He got a raise. I knew he'd get a raise.

He didn't get a raise.

He didn't? You see?

Well, then, what did he get? All I agreed to was a non -exclusive contract

that Ted could do movies, Broadway, things like that. Ted?

Movies?

Broadway?

And that's all you agreed to? Yeah.

Who would want Ted to do movies?

Movies!

Movies!

Thanks a lot, Lou.

You're welcome. You fell right into our trap.

You're watching TV. I'm sorry. No, no, wait. No, I've seen this part three

times. The part that keeps getting interrupted comes later.

Very good.

Because I've got some exciting news.

Mary, can I turn down the volume? Yes, sure. I'll leave the pictures so you'll

see.

Listen, you know the big corner window down at the store that they decorate

every Christmas?

Yeah. Today they gave it to me.

Well, congratulations, I guess. It's a lot of responsibility, kid, and hard

work.

Christmas windows are not all tinsel and glitter, you know.

Really. The guy that did it last year was fired.

Why?

You want to know what gifts the three wise men brought?

Portable hair dryer, an electric guitar, and a pair of fiberglass water skis.

I think I remember that window. And didn't the manger have wall -to -wall

carpeting? Right.

So what are you going to do? Well, it wasn't easy because everything's been

a hundred times, right?

But I finally...

came up with an idea that I think is truly novel. Yeah, what?

Santa's workshop.

Oh. I figure if I do Santa's workshop, they can't fire me. Yeah. One of your

safer numbers.

But I'm going to have Santa sitting in his chair, right?

He's laughing. Ho, ho, ho.

And then from the right side, in comes Mrs. Claus.

At least we're assuming it's Mrs. Claus.

She's bringing hot chocolate.

He likes it, man.

Then, down from... Right in the window, there's this assembly line of darling

little elves.

The first little elf takes a hair -finished toy, puts it on the head,

to the next little elf, who takes it, and paints on a smile.

He then hands it to the next little elf, who takes it and puts on hair.

He then hands it to the next little elf, who takes it and puts on little shoes.

Then all the little elves rejoice, and they congratulate each other.

the movie everyone and just take it. Listen, if you really like it, Mayor,

going to go upstairs and, you know, make some rough sketches. You should.

Yeah.

Bye, Mayor.

We'll be back to Channel 6's late movie after these brief commercial

announcements. Good evening, ladies and gentlemen. This is Ted Baxter. For

years, you've seen me as the anchorman of your favorite news program.

When it comes to news, I've always given it to you straight. And tonight, I'm

going to give it to you straight about the Slice Right Metric Slicer.

Famous the world over for slicing any type of fruit or vegetable.

See how the blade adjusts to any height? Just wait till you see how thin I slice

this tomato.

Look at that. Isn't that the thinnest slice you've ever seen?

Why, I know one lady in St. Paul took her all winter to use up one tomato, as

she was feeding a family of five.

Mr. Grant, turn on channel six, quick.

Slice carrots for creamy, beets for pickling. Slice a whole bushel of

in less than 20 minutes.

Forget about the $5 they were made to sell for. We're cutting the price in

Today only we will include this Trim Neat hair trimmer. Like the way my hair

looks?

I use my Trim Neat every night before I do the 6 o 'clock news.

Call this number, 201 -4823, and call right now.

Yes. Oh, hi, Rhoda. Yes, I saw it.

Rhoda, it wasn't funny.

Emergency call from Mr. Grant.

Did you catch it?

Right there for the whole world to see.

Ted Baxter, my anchorman, selling a tomato slicer.

I saw it, Lou.

We all laughed, right?

Movies, Broadway, things like that.

Nobody thought that things like that might be commercials, did they?

Oh, boy, did we get sucked in.

You going bowling, Mr. Grant? No.

It was the only way I could work off my anger, legally.

I looked down that alley. Every pin had gray hair and Ted's dressing.

As soon as I got so mad, I threw the ball over the pins and hit the wall.

My best ball.

And I bent it.

You'd think with the kind of money we pay him, that'd be enough.

But no, not Ted.

He's not satisfied to make $31 ,000 a year.

I just reached up and tore my pocket off. Ted, I'm sure it was an accident.

Well, it better be.

You don't just tear my pocket off like that and get away with it. Ted, excuse

me. I've got to see about Murray.

Get my pocket back.

Bella?

Teddy.

Yes, I thought that... slicer thing went pretty well myself.

Got anything else lined up for me?

Oh, a Dogford commercial, eh?

Or they want me to be their spokesman or something?

Oh, well, I guess I can do that.

Well,

oh, no, I can't do that.

I've got my dignity to think about.

After all, I am an anchor man.

Tell him I'll bark, but I won't pet.

gone over his contract a dozen times.

There's nothing I can do to stop him.

First it was that tomato slicer.

Then it was that commercial for that woman's product.

I didn't even know what it was.

I had to ask my wife what they used it for.

he's got me.

Mr. Grant, how about if I fix you a nice drink?

You haven't had a nice drink in days.

Mr. Grant, I'm worried about you.

Somehow, booze just doesn't taste good to me anymore.

You know, sometimes I think I'm losing contact with

reality.

Like, last night, I was watching a movie on TV,

you know, to try and forget.

And this dog food commercial came.

And I could have sworn I heard a dog bark that sounded just

Anything I can do.

He's so quiet.

He hasn't yelled at anybody in days. He's not drinking. This is terrible.

31 ,000.

Good evening, this is Ted Baxter in the 6 o 'clock news.

The Soviet Union announced today that talks with China over disputed border

areas have been broken off.

This and other top stories of the day after this brief commercial message.

sausage that lets you make a pig of yourself.

And now,

the news.

Merritt, when Farmer Ted finishes the news, tell him to mosey his keister into

my office.

Ted, I'm going to give it to you straight.

You're giving up those commercials.

No, I'm not.

Maybe I didn't make myself clear.

I'm ordering you to give up those commercials.

You can't do that, Lou.

My new contract is non -exclusive.

I know.

I know, but that's the way it's going to be.

Well, I'm sorry, Lou, but I have a big career ahead of me in commercials and...

And you've got no legal ground for stopping me.

Ted, if you don't stop doing those commercials, I'm going to punch your

out.

What?

I said I'll punch your face out.

You can't do that.

Why not?

Well, it's against the law. I'll have you arrested.

Be too late.

finding work with a broken face, Ted.

You're not serious.

Are you?

You are serious.

You can run, Ted, but you can't hide.

I know where you live.

I know where you eat.

I know where you do your laundry.

I'll be waiting for you. You're bluffing.

I have a terrible temper, Ted.

You want to see what I did to a bowling ball?

No. But I don't want you to think I'm not a reasonable man.

How much do you figure to make doing those commercials?

Well, I said maybe $30 ,000, $40 ,000 a year.

Mm -hmm.

I'll give you a raise.

$25 a week.

$25 a week, or... I punch your face out.

Sounds reasonable. I'll take it.

Lou, I'm taking my hair trimmer back.

Say, Mayor, I'm having a problem with my new paycheck that Lou may not have

anticipated. Oh, what is it?

Well, since I have to pay 10 % of my salary to my agent now, I'm making less

than I ever did. Even with my raise.

A raise?

A raise I got now.

amounts to a little less than 5 % of my salary.