Original subtitles

Who can turn the world on with her smile?

Who can take a nothing day and suddenly make it all seem worthwhile?

Well, it's you, girl, and you should know it.

With each glance and every little movement you show it, love is all alone,

need to waste it. You can never tell, why don't you take it?

You're gonna make it after all.

You're gonna make it after all.

paper there. That's mine. This one's yours.

Oh, I'm sorry.

Wait a minute. Rhoda, what difference does it make? They're both the same.

Uh, what's your headline say?

Uh, something about transit strike averted. Mine says Mary Richards is a

terrific date. Hey!

Oh, you know who had this made up? Wes Callison.

Probably had it done at one of those novelty stores and then he dropped it

so I'd find it this morning. Wes, is that the guy you were out with last

Yeah. Gee, this is just like him. He is such a fun guy.

I met a fun guy like that at a party.

Oh, he was wearing Bermuda shorts, a propeller beanie, and a T -shirt that

Olympic Sex Team.

Do you know what really bothered me, ma 'am? It was a come -as -you -are party.

Now, Lance isn't like that. He's really great. He's sweet and got a great sense

of humor. He's the kind of guy you should meet.

No, good, ma 'am. I always get a guy with a great sense of humor.

What I'm looking for is a guy with a great sense of theory.

What's he do?

He's a writer at the station.

News writer, huh?

No. No, he's a comedy writer.

What show?

Chuckles.

Chuckles, the, you know, clown. But it's only temporary.

He really wants to be a comedian. Wait a minute, Mary. Are you telling me a

grown man actually sits in front of a typewriter and writes, Chuckles hits Mr.

Pussycat over the head with a rubber chicken?

Mary, I would bet anything he wrote the Chuckles anthem.

How does that go again?

Come on, girls. Come on, boys.

You can make a lot of noise.

Run around, cavort, cut up.

There are no grown -ups here to say shut up.

Hi.

Hi. Hey, you're in kind of early, aren't you? I had to. Chuckles was on the

warpath again. He didn't like my last script.

This is Chuckle's idea of a rejection slip.

He wanted a new twist on his old pie -in -the -face routine, so I had this idea

where a midget runs in and hits him with a shortcake.

That sounds kind of funny to me.

Chuckle said he thought it was too subtle.

You're kidding.

Anyway, he's looking at my new script now, so I thought I'd stop by for a cup

kind words.

Hey, listen, I love my newspaper this morning. Oh, really? Yes.

Mary, I really had a wonderful time last night.

Wait a minute. I think the girl's supposed to say that.

Oh, hey, Wes. I had a wonderful time last night. That's terrific.

Anyway,

I just came in early. I'm sorry.

I hope I did.

I've got to get going. It's time for Chuck's 9 .30 tantrum. I'll see you

Mary.

Mary.

Don't kiss in the office.

All right, that's it. That does it. I've had it.

Wes, what's wrong?

I just quit.

Well, what happened?

Right after I left you, I walked into Chuckle's office. The first thing he

me with is my new script.

What was the matter with it? I don't know. He just kept hitting me with it.

One thing led to another, and, well, I quit.

Mary, I'm supposed to be a writer.

You want to see something?

Look at this.

this is what he makes me wear in the warm -up before the show.

Do you know what it feels like for a grown man dressed like this to stand in

front of a bunch of screaming kids going, chuck -a -luck -a -chuck -a

chuck -a -luck -a -chuck -a -wuck?

It's not dignified.

This is really neat.

Why don't we get some T -shirts like that with my face on it?

Kid, would you go somewhere else and talk about T -shirts, please?

Oh, oh, sure, okay.

I think you did the right thing.

You do?

I do.

Boy, I don't. At least I won't go hungry. I got a whole gag file full of

shortcakes.

Well, we don't have those kinds of problems on our show, do we, Murr?

We're more than anchorman and writer.

We're comrades in arms.

Pals.

Amigos.

something about doing a five -minute humor spot on the news. Yeah, he even

title for it, The Lighter Side.

West could do that.

What do you mean, write it? Yeah, he could write it. He could perform it,

Not on my show. I mean, he's always wanted to be a comedian, and I think he

done some performing. Not on my show.

I think it's a terrific idea.

Mary, tell Lou this is my show, and nobody goes on it unless I say so. Okay,

Ted, I'll tell it then.

Ah, second thought, I'll tell him myself.

Well, how you doing?

Mr.

Grant, are you busy?

Yes, I am busy. Well, are you really busy or just, you know, busy? I would

just, you know, busy.

In that case, I want to talk to you about having Wes Callison do a five

humor spot on the news. I thought we could tape an audition demo, you know,

then play it back.

At your convenience.

Okay. Because, see, the reason I was thinking about it was that I remembered

you kept saying we've got to get some humor into the news. Mary, I already

okay. Tape it.

Okay? Okay.

Mr. Grant, you're having fun with me, aren't you?

Yes, Mary, I am having fun with you.

This is probably the most fun I have had.

Pretty soon I will have to stop all this. fun and go back to work.

After all, Mary, life is more than just mirth and whoopee, isn't it?

I will go and take it.

Mary, thanks for a great time.

As soon as we stand in the checkout line that says eight items or less, suddenly

realizing we have nine, we bid a fond farewell to a great evening at our local

supermarket.

This is Wes Callison for the Lighter Side.

Mr. Grant. Boy, I gotta give you that. I mean, this is just what our show can

use. It's got warmth, charm, humor.

Boy, you sure were right.

Don't you think?

That you were right, Mr. Grant?

Mary, I don't think that belongs in our show.

But, Mr. Grant, this is just the kind of material that people can identify with.

I mean, like what we just saw. Everybody goes to the supermarket.

I don't go to the supermarket.

Well, I mean, you've got to admit it was funny.

I mean, all right, it wasn't funny, ha -ha, but it was certainly funny, sort

of... Whimsical?

Right, whimsical.

I hate that.

This is very... This is a very nice guy.

That's all right. No, Mr. Grant, you certainly don't owe me an explanation.

I want to explain it to you. No, no.

Mary, you're getting that voice, that chalk -on -a -blackboard voice. I don't

like it when you get that voice.

I'm sure I don't know what voice you're talking about. Yeah, that's the voice.

Well, I'll certainly try to watch that voice in the future.

Mary, you're letting your personal feelings get in the way of a purely

decision. There's nothing personal here, and you have no right to be mad.

You're right.

But you're mad.

All right, Mr. Grant, I will not be mad.

I enjoy saying no to somebody, but that's my job.

And it's especially unpleasant for me to say no to someone as nice as Wes.

Okay. When do you want to break it to him?

Uh, I think you'd better handle that.

You got a great dinner working there. Rack of lamb, fresh asparagus, chocolate

mousse for dessert.

Yeah, well, I forget it's the least I can do for him. Gonna give Wes the bad

news tonight, huh? Yeah, gee, I wish there was some nice way to break it to

Well, I guess that's everything.

Oh, everything except the scotch. I forgot to buy scotch. Oh, Mary, you

get some scotch. I mean, it's hard for a guy to drown his sorrows in fresh

asparagus.

Fellas usually have some scotch. I'll see if I can borrow some from her. He

wrote it.

Down for a few minutes in case Wes shows up. I'll be right back. Sure.

Hi.

Ah, Wes.

Rhoda. Yeah.

I ran into Mary on the stairs.

She said you'd entertain me until she got back.

Okay. What do you like, tap dancing or bird calls?

Hey.

Looks like some kind of celebration, doesn't it?

It does look like that, doesn't it?

I got the job, didn't I?

Wes, I think Mary should be the one to tell you.

Oh, come on, you can tell me.

No, no, I really, I don't think I should.

Listen, Rhoda, I promise to act surprised when Mary tells me. Please

Really, Wes, I would rather not, if you don't mind.

She told you, right?

Yeah, she told me.

Well, then you can tell me.

No, really, Wes, I can't tell you, okay?

Okay. How long have you been a neighbor here at Mary's? Oh, two years now.

I initially wanted to... No, please tell me.

All right.

Thank you. You know, I really appreciate it. Uh -huh.

You didn't get it.

I didn't? No.

Didn't get it. Right.

Maybe you heard wrong.

Gee, Wes, I don't think so.

Meh.

That's the way it goes, I guess.

Certainly not the first time I ever lost a job.

Right. I guess it won't be the last.

into a mayonnaise jar.

Where's Wes?

He's in the kitchen.

Oh, well, listen, you better get going now. I mean, I do have to tell him.

Right. Oh, I didn't get...

Certainly not the first time I ever lost a job.

Doggone it, I didn't get it!

Well, I guess it won't be the last.

Hi, Wes.

Hi, Mary.

Hiya. Hi.

Ready for lunch? Yeah, in about two minutes.

Wes.

Hiya, Lou. Good to see you. How you been?

Good, thank you. Nice to see you.

Oh, you look great.

Thank you. Doesn't he look great, Mary?

Yes, Mr.

Grant, he certainly does.

Yeah. So what's new?

Hi, Wes.

Hi, Chad.

I saw you audition.

I hope you don't mind a little constructive criticism from an old pro.

Not at all, Ted. What do you think?

You're never going to make it on television with that kind of dumb stuff.

You should listen to Ted when he talks about dumb stuff.

It's his specialty.

You know what I mean?

Yeah, I say, well, I guess it all worked out for the best anyway.

I finally got a job this morning doing something I've always wanted to do.

Oh, Wes, that's terrific.

I opened Friday night at the Melody Lounge as a comic.

Congratulations.

Very. It's just sort of a tryout.

I think you're going to be just great. So do I.

Well, maybe so, but I'm going to need some laughers.

So, Murray, Lou, I'd like for you to be marrying my guest.

Not a bad deal. Free drinks and dinner, and all I ask is you laugh very hard at

everything I say. You're all right.

I'll see you then, okay?

Oh,

Ted, you're welcome to join us if you're not busy Friday.

Oh, thanks. I'll see if I can make it.

What was the bowling alley?

I didn't know.

Too bad. If I'd known, I would have brought my ball.

You can bring us some drinks when you're ready.

Not a very big crowd, is it?

Well, it's early, yeah. I mean, you know, it'll fill up as soon as the show

starts. Don't you think, Mr. Grant?

Yeah. It looked like the six and seven lanes were about finished.

Oh, there come some people now.

I told you, madam, I don't care where you sit.

I don't work here.

I didn't tell her it was going to be a polling alley.

Tim, why did you wear a tuxedo anyway?

Well, it's opening night, isn't it?

I want to look nice when he introduces me from the audience.

Hold up. The show's starting.

Good evening, ladies and gentlemen.

Melody Lounge of the Midtown Bowling Lanes, Bruno D 'Angelo, general manager,

operating 24 hours a day, is proud to present a rising new comedian,

Wes Callison.

Nice to see you all here.

A lot of you are probably wondering who I am, so I thought I'd tell you a little

bit about myself.

I come from a... little town in Kansas to show you the kind of town it is. They

didn't have a movie camera in the bank to take pictures of a robber. They had

old man in the back doing charcoal sketches.

I don't get it.

Then I left Kansas to go to New York to become a writer.

My first job is on the television show Password.

So now with your permission, I'd like to do some of the more famous words I

wrote while on that show.

Remember broccoli?

How about boxcar?

Brings back the old memories, doesn't it?

Droopy.

Xena.

popular noodle.

By the way, if any of you remember any of these words and want to say them

with me, don't be afraid to.

And then I wrote cupcake, lips, and my favorite, and I certainly hope one of

yours.

Is there anybody here with a green

station wagon with license plates 9AD732? Your lights are on.

Let's see, where was I?

Oh, yeah, my favorite one of yours was yo -yo.

Then later on, I was fired from Password by Alan Ludden when I used the word

xylophone in the lightning round.

Lightning rounds where they go real fast. I guess that word...

xylophone. Then I got my next job, which was on Sesame Street. I wrote the first

three shows, A, B, C.

Are you going to be alright?

by a few.

There are good bowlers and there are bad bowlers.

You can't let Wes see you like this.

his old job back if he wants it.

He can?

Yeah. He's had five writers since Wes left and he's fired every one.

The last one was his dad.

I said...

American, whether you run around town, go back to sleep, go back to sleep.

Do you ever think if a horse had a sore leg? He didn't finish.

Appreciate you all being such a nice audience.

I hope you pick up all your spares.

Good night.

I did have this one routine that I was going to do about the world's first

undertaker, but maybe I'll do that for you on the second show.

Thank you.

Didn't even introduce me from the audience.

Ted, what do you say you and I go out and see if we can find a pair of patent

leather bowling pumps?

He put on a tuxedo and he didn't introduce me from the audience.

Murray, I think I'm going to join you.

Listen, kid, we'll talk later.

I'll make him pay for the rental of this tuxedo.

You going to be okay?

Well, Mary, you want to go watch

this bowl a couple games?

No, thank you, Mr. Gray. I'll just wait here for Wes.

Yeah, sure.

Rotten, rotten.

Wes, you were not rotten.

Chuckles called me this morning and said I could have my old job back.

Well, it won't be so bad, will it?

I guess not.

Mary, will you bury me?

What? I was just looking for something to pep up my evening.

chance to be it i guess you're right there's a lot of people in this world

go through life wanting to do something and never getting a chance to do it

right more are they lucky we

were so poor my my parents couldn't afford baby shoes so later on they had

feet bronze

I couldn't even afford to have my tonsils taken out, so they just had them

loosened. Oh, no.

You're just laughing to make me feel good. No, I am not.

How do I know that's a real laugh?

Because my phony laugh is lousy.

Let's hear your phony laugh.

You really liked it, huh?

Yes, I did.

Well, that's about it for our second show, and you've been such a nice

I think I'll take you home now.

Did you really think I was funny? Yes, I did. No kidding. I mean, seriously. Did

you really think I was funny? You were funny. You were really laughing.