Original subtitles

Who can turn the world on with her smile?

Who can take a nothing day and suddenly make it all seem worthwhile?

Well, it's you, girl, and you should know it.

With each glance and every little movement you show it. Love is all alone,

need to waste it. You can never tell, why don't you take it?

You're gonna make it after all.

You're gonna make it after all.

Scutch of Winnebago got a surprise yesterday when he harvested his crop and

found an 11 -pound turnip.

Look, what's so amazing about that?

We have a 165 -pound vegetable doing the news every night.

You know, Marie, it seems to me there are a lot of stories like this that we

don't think are so important, but other people just might find interesting. The

only way we'd do that story, Mary, if Roy Scutch were killed by an 11 -pound

turnip. Oh, Marie.

Here's some changes.

Where are you coming out?

Oh, nothing.

It's... Nothing?

Well, it's just an idea for something I thought we might do on the show.

Okay, let's hear it.

Well, it's going to be a surprise.

Surprise me.

Surprise?

Newsroom? Just a moment, please. It's for you, Mr. Grant, New York. Come on,

come on. What's your idea? Mr. Grant, I'll tell you later.

Oh, all right. But don't forget, because I still want to hear about it.

I got it. You're going to suggest Ted interview the turnip.

stories like this every once in a while. I mean, if the newspapers can do it.

What are you guys talking about?

Newspapers. Oh, I don't care much for them myself.

Well, he's very blasé now, but you should have seen him run in and grab the

paper when he heard Nancy and Sluggo broke up.

All right, you guys, get around, but I've got very good reasons for not

the newspapers.

Oh, what are they?

One, they're a competition.

And two, I always get that black stuff over my hands after I read them.

And when people watch my show, they don't have to wash their hands.

Terrific, Ted. We can advertise a six o 'clock news. Doesn't get your hands

dirty.

Doesn't get your hands dirty.

Hey, that's a good one, Mary.

Did you hear that, Mary? Oh, come on, Ted. It wasn't that. Hey, did you guys

just hear what Mary said?

I'm going to tell this to Lou.

What can you expect from a guy whose favorite Marx brother is Zeppo?

last night by the Roseburg Medical Association.

Dr. Richards announced his retirement after 21 years as chief of surgery for

Roseburg County Hospital. I don't believe it.

Murray, this is my father.

Oh, Mary, are you kidding?

I've got to call home. Why didn't they tell me anything?

Well, maybe they promised the newspaper a scoop.

I talked to my mother three times last week. Wouldn't you think... Hello, Mom?

It's Mary.

Listen, Mother, how come you didn't tell me that Daddy was retiring?

Yes, that's Dad.

Well, what are you going to do? What are you planning now that you've got

retirement to look forward to?

Uh -huh.

Uh -huh.

And what about later today?

Mom, I mean, what are your plans?

Oh, you are?

Yeah, that's terrific. When?

Okay. All right, Mom. Call me later then.

Right. Bye -bye.

so make sure I have enough ice. There you are, Lou. Lou.

You want to have a good belly laugh?

Mary and I were talking, and I said, when people watch my show, they don't

to wash their hands?

And then Mary said... Well, Mr. Grant, it really wasn't funny at all. Oh, come

on. Don't louse it up, Mary.

I said, when people watch my show, they don't have to wash their hands? And then

Mary said... We can advertise that the 6 o 'clock news doesn't get your hands

dirty.

Is that what you said?

That isn't funny.

Hiya. Oh, hi.

Hey, yeah, when you decide to come down off your barstool, you want to go out

and grab a sandwich? Oh, gee, I'd love to, but I can't. My parents are coming.

Oh, wonderful.

How long are they going to stay?

Well, they're moving here.

Can I have my wonderful back?

Rhoda. Mary, do yourself a favor. Tell them to stay where they are or go

someplace else or anything but come here.

Rhoda, I could never do that.

Well, then I'll do it. Don't worry, I'll make the call anonymous and in very

good taste. It's too late before it's left. They'll be here any minute. Mary,

you have got to send them back the minute they get here. Listen to the

experience. When I lived in New York, my parents kept following me all over the

Bronx. I'd move, they'd move.

Once I told them I was moving, they moved.

My parents and I have always gotten along just great. My mother is terrific.

Uh -huh.

No, really.

My dates used to like her as much as they like me.

Oh, that's swell.

There isn't enough competition running around.

Tell me, ma 'am, these perfect parents of yours, does he ever bring up the

subject of why you aren't married?

Well, uh, not directly.

Every once in a while, my father used to mention that he was the only department

head in the hospital who didn't have any grandchildren.

Heh, heh, heh.

Was that, uh...

Oh, yours.

Oh, no, that was his, just to let me know he was kidding.

Hey, hey, hey.

Hey, Rhoda, you remember that party I gave and your date made those dumb paper

airplanes? Yeah.

A little souvenir.

Hey, you know, I haven't seen him since that evening either.

See if he's up there, huh?

Good boy. No wonder I haven't seen him.

Here's my phone number.

clean apartment.

No, darling. It's just that my father's never been here, and I want the place to

look clean.

So, uh, how tall is your father, anyway?

I don't know. Maybe it's because Daddy's in surgery, but he's always been very

particular about everything he comes in contact with being germ -free.

Oh.

Where you going? I gotta boil my...

You'd never guess that he's 16 years older than I am, now would you? That's a

new record for working it in fast.

Oh, honey, it's so terrific to be here. Remember the last time I was here and we

went shopping together and people mistook us for sisters? Yeah. I always

that. Hey, now, Walt.

Walt, isn't this a darling place?

Yeah.

What are you paying, Mary? About a hundred?

Uh, yeah, about a hundred.

And? Thirty. Uh, five.

In Roseburg, you can get a whole house for that.

No, you...

That's what our house payment was.

135 wasn't our house payment. That was our phone bill.

Mary, this place, does it have a John or is it in a hole? Yes, Dad, it has a

John. It's right in here. I want to wash my hands.

Dad, I'm a big girl now. You don't have to say that anymore.

Oh, yes, I do. I got them filthy on that banister out there.

Oh.

Well, you know, honey, we're going to have to start looking for an apartment

soon. And I want a place just... Just like this, only bigger and newer.

Well, I'll take you around on Sunday. It'll be fun to see all the apartments I

couldn't afford.

How do you think you're going to like living in Minneapolis?

It's going to be pretty different from Roseburg. Right.

Mary, I want you to know that moving here wasn't my idea. It was your

Oh.

What are you going to do, Mom, now that Dad's retired?

Well, I kind of thought I'd go back and finish nursing school.

Oh, Mother, you've been saying that for years.

Well... That's your mother's way of reminding everybody. just how young she

when we got married.

You know, Dad, I was really surprised you decided to move to Minneapolis.

Mary, it wasn't my idea.

Oh, but Mother said... Oh, this is good cheese, Mary.

What kind is it? It's so different.

It's called American.

Walt,

would you like some American cheese?

No, no thanks.

Mother, didn't you just say that... Walt, Walt, you've got to admit now that

Minneapolis offers a bigger variety of things to do now, doesn't it?

Walt. Mary, isn't that the plate I got for your mother at the Seattle World's

Fair? Yeah.

Had an inscription on it that said... Seattle World's Fair? Yeah, something

that. Read the back.

Oh, yeah.

To Dottie from Walter.

Your father's the last of the romantics.

Come in.

Hello, Mary.

with the paper.

Then I figured it out.

You're going to suggest that we replace Ted by televising newspaper clippings,

aren't you?

No, Mr. Grant.

Oh, that's too bad because it's a good idea.

What's your suggestion?

Well, I was going to work up a whole presentation for you, you know, but I

haven't had the time.

Well, anyway, what I thought we might do is just use stories like this on the

news.

You mean to say we missed out on the turnip story?

Okay, Mr. Grant.

Biggest turnip story of the century, and we missed out.

Sorry, Lou.

It was either that or the yam that looked like Millard Fillmore.

I blew it, Lou. An honest, honest mistake.

Well, don't let it happen again.

Well, if you like it that much, I'll type it up for you, Lou.

This is what I love about work.

After that, you're still looking for cute little stories?

I'm looking for a cute little apartment for my parents.

Oh. What part of Minneapolis are you looking in?

St. Paul.

St. Paul?

Yeah, well, you know, it's nice over there. It's quiet over there.

And it's over there, right?

It's not that I don't love them, you know. I mean, I really have enjoyed this

last week with them. It's just that I think I've outgrown spending all my free

time with them. Yeah, I know. What do you mean?

Do they have any friends here? No.

Hoping I can find an apartment with some friendly people.

You're looking for a friendly apartment, Mary? Why don't you move into my

building? Oh, well, gosh, Ted, I don't think I could stand all that happiness.

Anyway, it's not for me. It's for my folks.

Well, that's still all right. There's plenty of vacancies.

I wonder why.

Anyway, Ted, don't you live in one of those swingin' singles buildings?

Yeah, it's swell.

We've got a social director, sweet rolls on Sundays.

Volleyball tournaments?

Of course, I'm the biggest celebrity there.

Oh? The guy with the chimp must have moved.

My mom lives there, too.

Your mom?

Well, she's single.

But she was married once, wasn't she, Ted? Oh, sure.

Everybody loves mom.

If your folks move into the building, they'd love her, too.

Yeah, well, the thing is, they're not single, Ted.

Oh, yeah.

Well, if they ever decide to break up, send them over.

He's a happy man, Murray.

I know.

It drives me crazy.

Excuse me, is this where... Oh, hi, Murray.

Dad! Hi!

What are you doing here?

I was at the hospital right around the corner.

You were at the hospital? Is anything wrong?

Uh -huh. Oh, just dropped in to watch a couple of operations.

Oh, how were they?

Fair.

Uh... They don't even give you a private office, huh?

Oh, well, Dad, see, a newsroom is like that. You know, everything's sort of out

in the open. Nobody has any secrets. Oh, nobody needs an office.

Except for Mr. Grant. He's got a, you know, not that he has any secrets or

anything. He's just, you know, got a... Murray, this is my dad. Dad Murray

Slaughter. Oh, Mary, he talks about you all the time. It's a pleasure. Thanks.

This is really a nice surprise.

Come on, I'll buy you lunch.

Oh, gee, Dad, I'd like to, but I... Well, if you can't make it, I

No, no, no, no. I'll rearrange a few things. Hey, I got a couple of

that I think are kind of interesting.

Oh, we already rented one this morning.

You did?

Mm -hmm.

Here in Minneapolis?

Yeah. Where else?

Oh, well, I was just thinking it might be over in St... Well, whereabouts?

Well, after we had breakfast with you this morning, we just drove round and

round until we found this place. I've got the address right here.

Dad, that's right around the corner from my place She couldn't find anything in

your building

last night. Gosh, Mom, I don't think 11 .30 is so late.

Well, I guess I better be going.

Hey, Mayor.

Honey, do you have an extra key?

Why, are you going to come back tonight, Mom?

Well, uh, Phyllis has had to let me in a couple of times the past few days and,

you know, I really didn't want to bother her.

Oh, well, it's no bother. Phyllis doesn't mind doing things like that.

good. I'll get her to make me a key.

Hey, Rhoda. Yeah? Would you like to go to a movie later?

as it's not one of those sexy ones, you know? All those naked bodies just remind

me of work.

Oh, man.

What is it you do, dear?

Oh, mannequins. I dress mannequins in a store window.

Thank heavens.

Well, have a good time, honey.

What time do you think you'll be home?

Oh, gee, I don't know, Mom.

Well, have a good time anyway, dear.

And don't forget, tomorrow's a working day.

I won't.

Hey, Rhoda, I'll pick you up at 8, okay?

Good deal.

And listen, I'm not going to change.

Oh, no, me neither. Be prepared, they'll take us for sisters.

Probably, darling. So long.

Gee, I can hardly believe she's your mother.

Yeah? Why?

Oh, Mary, she's so young.

She's just like a regular person.

If my mother was here, she'd be driving me crazy.

Rhoda, she's driving me crazy. I know. Does it show?

You think my mother knows? They never know.

Must have had some great time.

Look, Rhoda, whatever I did, it's my own business, okay?

That good, huh?

I'm sorry. That wasn't meant for you.

So, uh, who was it meant for? For my mother.

Ah. Every time I come home late, the phone is ringing. When I pick it up, the

person on the other end hangs up. Rhoda, my mother is checking up on me.

Oh, I broke my zipper. You see? Every time you yell at your mother, God makes

you break your zipper.

best mother a person could have, but no matter how hard she tries, she's still

my mother. You know what I mean?

I know what you mean, kid.

Look, it goes with the territory.

I feel every time I'm going to be late coming home that I have to call her so

she doesn't worry.

Who would have thought it? What?

This happens to Protestants, too.

I would just like to be able to go out and stay out all night if I feel like it

without coming home and finding the phone ringing.

You're wearing shorty nightgowns. to work these days? Work?

Work!

Work.

What is it? Who is it?

Don't hold a pizza cart like that. The cheese will all slide off the crust.

Mother, what are you doing here?

Why don't I have some extra meat? left over, and I knew you'd be tired and

wouldn't feel like cooking.

You, uh, just happened to know that I retired, huh?

Well, you worked all day, didn't you? Look, you can barely hold your eyes

Mom, my eyes have never been opener, and as for the dinner, thank you, but I

have a pizza.

Oh, Mary, you can't eat that. Mother, I'm going to eat my pizza.

Okay. Okay, you can have the meatloaf tomorrow.

It's always better when it's left...

I was just on my way out anyhow.

Hey, Mom.

Huh? Um, thanks for the meeting.

I made it just the way you like it.

How was your date last night?

Fine, thanks.

What did you do?

Mother, I'm not going to tell you.

I know what it is.

Uh, what?

You always get cranky. when you're sleeping. You've been like that ever

you were a baby.

Mom, listen, I'm not a baby anymore.

See, I don't need my mommy bringing me meatloaves, and I especially don't need

her checking up on me every minute.

I haven't been checking up on you. Oh, come on, Mom.

What do you call this meatloaf if it's not checking up on me?

Maybe I have been around here too much, but it's not because I've been checking

up on you. Mom, you haven't been around here too much.

Why have you been around?

Get some dinner.

Oops, don't let me kill the fun. No, Dad.

Please, Dad, stay.

Mother, are you telling me that you didn't call me this morning and then

when I answered?

Hang up?

Why would I call you and then hang up? Well, then, if you didn't call, who did?

I did.

You did?

That's right.

I got home from my AMA meeting at 11 o 'clock, a respectable hour, expecting to

find my wife there.

And when she wasn't, I called here and my daughter wasn't home either. Well,

Miss Nightlife here finally showed up at 12 .30.

But by then I was so used to calling you, I just kept it up until 8 .27 this

morning. You got home at 8 .27 this morning? Yes, more or less, yes. Dad,

as long as you were on the phone, why didn't you just say hi?

Because I didn't want you to think I was checking up on you.

I figured since you were well enough to answer the phone, everything was okay.

I shouldn't have hung up.

I certainly agree with you there.

What I should have done was ask you where the hell you were until 827.

Dad, look, I am over 30 years old. I don't have to answer that.

I don't care how old you are. You're still my daughter, and I've still got

right to worry about you. Okay, okay, look, when you lived in Roseburg, you

didn't know where I was half the time. It didn't bother you then.

Oh, yes, it did.

Well, plenty of times I started to pick up the phone, but I didn't. Well, why

didn't you?

Well, I...

Unfortunately, I made enough meatloaf for the three of us.

I'll just go warm it up.

You

know,

you still haven't told us what you did last night.

I know.

You're not going to tell us.

Oh, darling?

I guess we'll just have to get used to that.

You're right.

We'll just have to get used to that.

We'll never get used to that.

And that's the first visit by an American secretary of agriculture to

Beach.

Who tied this show? We're going to end up about a minute short. Give me

something quick.

I don't want him staring at the camera with a silly look on his face.

How can you tell?

when a man with a silly look on his face gets a silly look on his face.

Well, that's the news for tonight.

This is Ted Baxter saying, see you tomorrow.

Hold it, hold it.

I've just been handed this late -breaking bulletin.

Roy L. Scotch of Winnebago had a surprise yesterday.

harvested his crop and found...