Original subtitles

Who can turn the world on with her smile?

Who can take a nothing day and suddenly make it all seem worthwhile?

Well, it's you, girl, and you should know it.

With each glance and every little movement you show it, love is all

need to waste it. You can never tell, why don't you take it?

You're gonna make it after all.

You're gonna make it after...

the dishes.

I don't know. You have to wash a pot that you just boiled water in. How

know? I only use paper pots.

There's some fresh fruit if you want anything.

Oh, no, I'm still on my diet.

Got any wax fruit?

I called you earlier. You were out.

Yeah, my super terrific Wednesday evening meeting of calorie cutters.

Fatty's anonymous.

Oh, yeah, that's right. It was tonight, wasn't it? Yeah.

Does Murray still go to that?

Go to it? Didn't he tell you?

Murray's our group leader, or as we affectionately call him, the Grand

Listen, Mayor, tonight he announced that all the calorie cutters in this city

lost a combined weight of 9 ,333 pounds.

Wow, that's really a lot.

Best October in history.

Hey, so what? If you go out, be careful. With all that fat floating around

Minneapolis, it's very contagious.

Yeah, I'll watch myself.

9 ,000 pounds?

Yeah.

You know, I don't like to dwell on it myself.

I mean, if you took all that fat and sort of shaped it around, you could make

over 600 strange little people.

600 mushy little round things.

They may never eat again.

So how many of the 9 ,000 pounds were yours?

20.

20? Rhoda, did you? Yeah.

At the weigh -in tonight, I was 20 pounds lighter, with my watch off and

Mrs. Castellani holding up my hair.

Excuse me. I mean, just lay off, huh?

Uh, what did I say?

I'm sorry.

I really am, kid.

I'm so bad about this.

See, all my life I've had this weight thing, you know? But I always figured if

could lose those 20 pounds, I might begin to look, you know, okay.

Rhoda, you don't look okay.

I don't? Come here. What? What are you doing?

Over here.

If you could just stop the defensive stuff for a minute, you might begin to

realize that you are now a...

Very clean. Of course, in that elephant dress.

All right, I want you to just look in the mirror. Forget your Rhoda, who does

lot of put -downs about herself, and just look at yourself like a stranger.

Hi, new in town?

Will you come out and look?

Look.

Mary?

You know something?

It's going to sound silly, but I had no idea the whole look was, you know, so

right. The figure?

The hair?

I wish you could begin to feel good about the weight you lost. How can I,

This is the first time in my life when I can't say, boy, if I could ever lose 20

pounds. Just think how terrific I look.

Maybe if I lose another 20 pounds. Oh.

And have my legs lengthened.

You just have to eat lunch alone.

Oh, I hate to eat lunch alone.

It's horrible. You feel so self -conscious.

Like you're sitting there chewing your food and you don't know where to look.

How long can you pretend you're intrigued by cutting your food?

So you try to act like you're really involved in reading the newspaper.

Every time... you try to turn the page, it wrinkles, and it won't turn, and then

you start thinking that people are staring at this poor fool who nobody

have lunch with, and who can't even turn a newspaper page without knocking over

a cup of coffee, and it's horrible, and I hate it.

Why don't you bring your lunch?

I hate to bring my lunch.

I never know what to bring, yogurt or an egg, and the cold cuts always go on.

You look too many spots, Mary.

Oh, Mr. Grant.

Huh? By any chance, are you free for lunch today?

Can't. Got a department head meeting. Maybe some other time, Mary.

Well, I don't know how much you hate to eat alone, but here's a good chance to

find out.

Ted?

Why not?

Why not what, brown eyes?

Well, Ted, I was just wondering if you'd like to go to lunch.

Sounds interesting already.

No, no, it wasn't important. Go to where?

Nowhere, Ted, really.

Go to La. You said go to La.

La, La, La.

London. Go to London.

No.

La, go to La.

Luggage. Go to luggage.

No, London's best so far.

La, La.

La, La, La. Go to lunch.

Go to lunch. That's it, isn't it? Would I like to go to lunch?

You... want to have lunch with me?

Uh, yeah, Ted, that was it. Sorry, I'm busy.

Hiya. Hiya, Rhoda. Rhoda, you saved my life. Terrific. You're getting to be

psychic. Let's go to lunch. I'm having lunch with Murray.

Lunch with Murray? Yeah.

See, I start my maintenance today on the calorie cutters thing.

Yeah, it's my first day. Murray's in the middle of his maintenance, so we

figured... Misery loves company. Yeah, but look at her. Doesn't she look

fantastic? She does, and I hope you are taking notes.

What do you say, Rhoda?

Hiya, Lou.

Hey, you look different.

You know, really good.

I like it.

I like it back here, too.

I have a feeling he's going to kick my tires.

Awesome weight, that's all.

On calorie cutters. Oh, that thing Murray's on. Right.

Yeah. Well, it really looks terrific.

Maybe someday I'll do it, too. Yeah. If I ever feel that I'm overweight.

Thanks a lot, Murray.

Okay, what'd you bring, Noda?

Oh, well, I got my two ounces of hard -boiled egg whites here and my four

of low -fat.

and got some food and brought it back for myself. Sure, Mary.

Are you kidding? Bring it right up. You have your lunch right here.

Hey, Rhoda, look, I got this terrific new book on cholesterol.

It shows you how fat globules are broken down.

So that's what a fat globule looks like.

Listen, guys, I think I'll just have lunch alone.

Mary?

Maybe she's back from York or her burglar's afraid of the dog.

She got back last night.

Well, congratulate me, kid. I just completed my first day of maintenance.

Oh, Rhoda, I'm sorry. No, no, no, no. You sit there and you finish that. I

you have a right to live too, right?

Mia, what does chocolate taste like?

Tastes like? Um, really? Yeah, yeah. I can't remember.

Please, just tell me. And don't hold anything back.

Well, it tastes dark.

Sorry.

Yeah. Dark, I got that.

And textury and richly smooth, right?

In a way.

Mm -hmm. What about almonds?

Does it have almonds?

Phew. Are you eating an almond right now?

I thought I heard an almond.

Boy, this is the best candy bar I ever watched.

Ah, truly delicious.

Hey, you know what I'm in mood for?

Butter pecan ice cream.

Why don't you have some butter pecan ice cream?

though. Maybe later?

Yeah, we'll see.

Mary!

Hi! Hi, hi!

Welcome home.

How are you?

Oh, what?

I don't believe it.

You've lost so much. Oh, yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah.

But you must have lost. Yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah.

All I can say is you really dropped a ton.

No!

No! She's right. It's exactly true. I did drop a ton. Why shouldn't she say

that? Well, there are ways of saying things. No, Mary, no. Phyllis, you're a

breath of fresh air. Our own little voice of truth.

And that's why I've been saving my news to tell the two of you. You and Phyllis.

Okay, now listen to what happened. I'm so glad you said that about truth,

I always try to be truthful.

Great. Well, here goes.

My news by Rhoda Morgenstern. Thank you.

I work at Hempel's department store, right?

And down at Hempel's department store, they have hundreds of employees, right?

Right. Well, they had to choose ten girls to be contestants for their beauty

contest.

And guess who those geniuses picked as the semifinalists.

Just guess.

Rhoda, how wonderful. Now, no, Mary, I want to hear what Phyllis says.

Yeah, Phyllis, that's true. I, Rhoda Morgenstern, am in a beauty contest.

What do you say to that?

Congratulations.

Congratulations?

I shouldn't be in that contest.

Why not? You look fantastic.

Thanks a lot, Phyllis.

I can get that kind of stuff from Mary.

And so we all wish you a happy birthday, Ted.

This is really nice.

You guys shouldn't have done it.

Just this one?

Cufflinks. They're beautiful.

Look how they match.

The price tag. The price tag. I'll get that.

Gee, this is really moderately nice of you guys.

Thanks. Well, happy birthday, Ted. Thanks, Mayor.

Thanks,

Murray.

Thanks, Lou.

Say, you look terrific.

No, don't listen to him, Rhoda. You really look terrific.

Uh, how about a little lunch?

Oh, I don't think I can.

Uh, it's my birthday.

Oh, congratulations, Ted. I'd really like to, but I'm on maintenance.

Oh, well, just as soon as you finish cleaning up, I'll...

Hi.

Oh, man, Rhoda.

Latest bulletin. They've now... I wrote down the number of girls today to five.

And then I've been at the store.

Oh, Luda!

How great!

What? What's great? I guess we're confusing Murray here.

See, where I work down at Hempel's department store, they're having a

contest. It's too stupid to even talk about, Murray. But I don't want to

you, so see, I'm nominated.

Luda, you're a beauty contestant. Hey, that's terrific.

They just needed someone to make the other contestants look good. Staying

to Morgenstern, kids, you'll look great.

Ms. Hemple?

Like M .S. Miss?

Oh, yeah, yeah. When we first heard, a lot of us objected to the fact that they

were even having a beauty contest.

You know, the whole thing that it's the wrong way to think about a woman and

all. So the store figured if they call it Ms.

Hemple, it evens things out.

Oh, fringe benefit, ma 'am.

The store photographer took my picture.

Freebies for the contest. Yeah, let's see.

Here. Guess who?

Oh!

Hey, that's sensational.

Hey, wait till I tell them what calorie cutters tried over coffee and celery.

Yeah, well, they got a great retoucher.

Rhoda, it is not the retoucher. Sure it is. The guy's a fanatic. I had to stop

him before he took my nose out.

Listen, I kept saying no. The mouth is not just a large wrinkle. So if you

please keep it in the picture, I'd be... Oh, Rhoda, will you stop it?

It's so easy to say nice things when you describe yourself.

You try it, Mary.

Go on. You try describing yourself.

That's not the point. Go on.

Describe yourself.

All right.

Me. Yes.

I'm, you know, okay.

See? You do the same thing yourself.

Rhoda, it's not the same thing. It is. No, it isn't. Look, I may not say

terrific things about myself, but Rhoda, I don't say that I'm nothing.

Sure, but you don't have to worry about someone beating you to it.

contest to decide what to wear.

I don't know. I just kept putting it off, ma 'am. Gee, I wish some of my old

dresses still fit.

No, huh?

How'd you guess?

Rhoda, this contest, is it only for people who work in the store or... Are

people who shop there eligible, too? I mean, I shop there. No, it's only for

people who work there, Phyllis. Not that I'm suggesting particularly that I...

Now, do you want to go through some of my stuff again? I mean, maybe there's

something here we overlooked. Mary, you weigh three pounds.

None of you... I mean, me, a married mother in a beauty contest.

What are you doing? Aren't you still on maintenance?

It's all tight. I got this system safe.

If I eat a cookie, then I skip a night's meat and vegetable.

I always keep track.

This one puts me at a week from Thursday.

All right, let's try mine.

These could fit you. I bought them when I was pregnant.

What? Just slightly pregnant.

There are some beautiful things here.

I have no idea what I've collected over the...

I feel that ecology is more important than vanity.

I guess I just never realized that the Orlon is an endangered species.

Mary, the fact that this isn't actually fur isn't the point. The point is that

if I wore it, people would follow the example of what they thought it was.

I see what you mean. Then everybody would walk around wearing matted -down

synthetic.

The things you have here are great.

Hey, how about this?

Look at this.

No, no, I already tried that one on. No, no, no, not for you, for me.

Lars and I are going to a dinner party Friday night. Hey, Mary, could I borrow?

Sure, go ahead. Oh, thank you.

Oh,

remember when we were kids and used to sit in front of a TV set and watch a

beauty contest?

It was always so exciting. Yeah.

to have one of those two -part names, didn't she? Mary Jo, Mary Lou, Mary

Yes! Oh,

tell us, Miss Mary Jo Beth Ann Lou, what are some of your favorite hobbies?

My favorite hobbies are cheerleading, liking people, and living in America.

After I graduate from high school, I would like to become a brain surgeon.

Or a model.

Wonderful. Is there going to be a talent portion?

Yeah, Phil, I thought I'd yodeled.

I was in a contest once. I won the talent portion.

I can still remember what I did.

Phyllis.

Ten cents a dance.

That's what they pay me.

Gosh.

How they weigh me down.

Ten cents a dance.

Softies and rough guys.

Tough guys who tear my...

What's for that?

These are great, these shoes.

Hey, you know what? They look wonderful with this dress. Sure, go ahead, take

them. Oh, Mary, think I could dye them? No.

That's all right, that's all right. I don't want to do anything. Listen,

I'm starting to go slightly crazy, so I think I'm going to just ask you guys to

get out so I can get ready, you know?

I'm sorry, it's just that I'm... No, it's okay.

Okay, I just feel very... I know. Phyllis, please. No, no, no, I'm just

my coat. Oh, I miss it.

Well, Rhoda, good luck.

Yeah, thanks, Phil.

And don't spill anything on yourself.

Please, you've got to believe me. Everything is just okay. So let's not

thing, huh?

Really, I think third is really quite respectable.

Thank you, Phyllis.

Mary and I were just looking at some of my slides.

Do you want to see some? Why don't we do that a little later?

Oh, listen.

All I can say is you look sensational, smashing, terrific.

That dress, where did you get that?

I just wasn't sure if I'd have nerve enough to wear it, you know. Well, it's

just breathtaking.

It's those Swiss hairdressers.

Well, it's getting late.

I'll see you guys tomorrow.

I'll leave my vacation slides there. You can look at them later. Pick out the

ones you like. I'll have copies made for you.

Would you like some coffee?

No, I think it'd just keep me up. I'm exhausted, really, so I just think I'll

go. You sure you don't want to stay and talk?

Oh, that's sweet, ma 'am, but I really, I am so tired.

Oh, well, will there be anything in the newspapers about the contest? Oh, no,

it's just a little store thing, so.

Well. Well, I am tired.

But now I've decided I want to.

I did not come in third.

I won.

You. You won?

Oh, dear. Oh, no. I didn't tell you, Mary. I lied to you because, I don't

I was afraid everybody would make jokes and things. Jokes? You come in here and

tell me about it.

Well, you know, it was nothing.

I mean, it was nothing special.

It was a big auditorium filled with people.

I sort of heard my name called, and they were all applauding for

me. Mary, I couldn't believe it.

Me. That's so great.

And you deserved it.

Well, they gave it to me, and I took it.

middleweight beauty contest. Now I'm going after the heavyweight.

ass with a capital K.

I have to return this stuff in the morning. This is to the junk jewelry

department and this is to the junk cake department.

Mary? Oh, wow.

Boy, you sure make a big fuss over third...