Original subtitles

Murray, it's just dental hygiene.

Oh, come on. Yummy, yummy, yummy.

Oh, come on.

You've changed.

Physics for 200. This isotope is used to make an atomic bomb.

What is cryptology?

Cryptox? No, no, no. The stuff that gets hot in it. What is uranium -235? Yes.

All right, like I'm going to know that. Okay.

Abbreviations for 300. In the military, it's what the initials GI stand for.

GI, GI, GI. Your hair smells terrific.

General, general, general.

Get me out of the army now.

What is government issue?

Right. All right, GI, GI Joe. GI Joe. Of course.

Well, what is Guadalcanal? That's the doorbell.

Okay. Hail to the chief for 400, the easiest one on the board. This was LBJ's

middle name. I know it.

Barry? No. Bobo?

Bob. Billy Bob.

Linden? Billy Bob?

Hayes. Hayes. I think it's Hayes.

B. LBJ.

Not Hayes. Not Hayes.

What is Baines? Baines. Well,

we always this stupid or is this recent?

What?

Next one.

Hello, Skunky. Hi.

All right, which one of you picked Moby Dick for the book club?

Okay, that was her.

I wanted I Like Lollipops by Tully Savalas, but no.

Moby Dick.

Moby Dick is a classic. Hey, Tully Savalas, pretty complicated man.

What do you got there? A little gift for my niece.

Buckman and Temple family tree.

Look at that.

Don't they see how far back they go?

Look at that. Yeah, look at that.

Spartacus Stemple. Who knew?

You mock, but this way your daughter will know from whence she came.

From Holland, apparently.

Mm -hmm. So you're, really, you're part Holland, Hollandish, Hollandarian?

Holland, Hollandish?

Dutch?

Dutch. Okay, all right. I want to point out just a little sort of anomaly.

If you look at the temple great -great -great -grandmother... Hester.

She is connected by a squiggly line to... Erwin Buckman. Huh, that's funny.

So then, if you go to the Buckman great -great -great -grandfather... Erwin

Buckman. His son, Maximilian... Known as Jorge to his friends, which is

interesting. Is also connected by a squiggly line to... Eleanor, daughter of

Romulus and Alexa.

Exactly.

I don't know what you're talking about.

Your cousins.

We're all cousins.

And worse yet, in fact, we are descended from cousins.

I told you we were stupid.

Honey, I can't believe you waited until the day before the book club to read

Moby Dick.

On the off chance we don't make it all the way through the books, maybe we

should pick up the clip notes?

The cliff notes for this are going to be 200 pages. Great.

Is there, like, a pop -up book or something we could get? Next thing,

renting the movie. Good idea. Hey, look at this. So you think you married your

cousin.

That's a joke book. No, it's... Oh, Jeff Foxworthy. Okay.

Come here. The Complete Guide to Genealogical Relationships. All right,

just look and see exactly how disgusting and immoral we are. Okay, right here.

So we're... So, according to this...

We are... Fourth cousins, once removed.

No, not removed. You're only removed if you're not the same generation.

So we're fourth cousins?

I think so.

So that means I'm a cousin of somebody who is a cousin who has as their cousin

somebody who is a cousin of yours?

Huh?

Maybe children of cousins are not the best people to be figuring this kind of

thing out.

We're fourth cousins, Paul. Okay, so we're fourth cousins. All right. Big

Good.

supposed to happen to people like us? Not to use stereotypes or labels, but

is the kind of thing that generally happens to people a little more hillish,

little more billyish.

I'll tell you this much. We are hiding those family trees and we're swearing

Debbie to secrecy. Oh, believe it. Can you imagine what my mother's going to

say? So what do we do now?

Go home, grab our banjo and brush our tooth.

All right, congratulations.

We've been reading Moby Dick for two hours. What page are you on? Four.

Good for you.

It starts on three. I understand.

Ask me what page I'm on. What page? Three. Good.

Why does he type so small?

He shouldn't. No, you write a book. Be proud.

And be clear.

You know, how about this?

You want to maybe split it up? I'll read half, you read half, and then later

we'll tell each other what happened in the other half.

All right, so that would be half of 850...

Seven, so that would be 430.

No, actually 20.

420?

No, you carried the one wrong.

It's a lot of pages, whatever it is. How about this?

I'll read the end, and you read the beginning, and I'm going to skip the

You're not going to understand the end if you don't read the beginning and the

middle. Oh, I'm not going to understand the end even if I do read the beginning

and the middle.

You would just skip the whole middle? Yeah.

What happens in the middle? Nothing happens in the middle. Nothing

Otherwise, you wouldn't need the end.

I am not ready to throw in the towel and cheat.

All right. Let me tell you, you can run from the chromosomal mistakes of our

ancestors, but you can't hide.

The fact that we can't read Moby Dick has nothing to do with being cousins.

So what is it? Part of it is aging.

Scientists say the older you get, the less you retain.

What scientists? I read a thing.

Where? 60 Minutes.

Yeah. Do you suppose we could call up Cliff and ask him what the hell he's

talking about?

Maybe they have Cliff Notes for the Cliff Notes. Let me know when you're

to give in and watch the movie.

Warm up the VCR. Yes, sir.

There she blows!

It was the great white whale, Moby Dick.

And tonight in the story of the same name, I play the part of Ishmael.

I can't believe you got the Mr. Magoo version.

That's the only way to enjoy Magoo.

All

right,

that's enough.

I'm enjoying this.

It's not going to help. How do you know? Because this is totally different from

the book. You didn't read the book.

No, but I'm guessing that in the book, Ishmael doesn't try harpooning a

instead of a whale because he's so nearsighted.

Well, fine. The book club is in 16 hours, so what do you suggest?

All right, come here.

I suggest a little visual aid. The problem with this book is there's too

words and not enough pictures. Yes, there's like virtually no pictures.

We have to encapsulate. We have to summarize. We have to...

Hone in on a few facts that we're absolutely sure of. All right, great.

Which, what would those facts be? Okay.

All right.

This is the ship.

The Pequod. Pequod.

Okay, and this is the whale.

Moby. Moby Dick. Okay.

And this is the captain, Ahab.

Doesn't look like a captain, but...

That's all I'm asking. All right.

From what I understand, Ahab, on the Pequod,

hunts Moby, who kills Ahab.

Okay. And?

And that's it. End of story.

That can't be it. That's too simple.

You must be missing something. Of course I'm missing something. I didn't read

the book.

Which in a book club, that's really the whole point, isn't it? Come on, it's

fine. We'll wing it. Let's go to sleep.

All right.

All right. Good night.

Good night, cuz.

Good night, sweetie.

Okay.

What? What? Nothing.

What? You don't want to kiss me? No, no, I do.

I do.

Okay, good night. What?

What? No, what? Nothing. What is it?

You look like my Uncle Lenny.

Apparently, Queequeg is some sort of mystical character. Oh, honey, don't do

this to yourself. Do what I do.

Embrace your stupidity.

Look, I made sandwiches in the shape of little boats.

I'm embarrassed to be your cousin.

Hey, finally!

Look what I made for you nice people.

Look, Bert, they made the sandwiches.

Sandwiches look like little hats. They're little boats.

How are they boats?

How are they hats?

Can I eat it yet? Yeah, all right. Okay,

I thought we would open with some general impressions of the book. Who

like to start?

Henry? Me?

Oh, boy.

Pressure.

Lead off.

Set a ring.

Flop sweat.

Panic attack.

Gotta go home.

I'm just kidding, of course.

I liked the book. I was fascinated by the idea that water

is somehow tied to human meditation.

That the truth is lying out there, hiding somewhere by the sea. And until

go, you're left behind in the dark, alone, always asking questions.

It's today, Tuesday.

Where'd you get those pants?

Is that turkey salad?

Very profound, Henry.

No, I'm asking, is that turkey salad?

I'll tell you what.

I'm going to make a long story short, okay?

Moby Dick is about dating, period.

I'm sorry? Ahab is the ultimate bachelor. The whale is the ultimate

Hoo -ah!

Hoo -ah!

Hoo! I can argue with that. It's a very valid point.

Ira, really, seriously, think about it. This guy Ahab, he goes out there, he

gives everything he has for this whale, even though he knows it's going to kill

him. You know, he's like a moth to a flame.

Or like a guy named Ira to the girl across the street who won't close her

blinds.

Thank you, Ira.

Marvin. Well, I have to say that I don't like that they kept on calling Moby a

whale.

Every page, whale, whale.

Hey, look at that big whale.

Did you see the size of that whale?

Hey, Whaley!

Hey, Whaley!

Oh, but he is a whale.

Well, don't you think he knows that?

Pop, what do you think?

Well, to me, Ahab is a man who squeezed the very last drop out of life right to

the end. If you're going to die, that's the way to go.

Strapped to this massive animal, surging through the ocean at 60 miles an hour,

staring death in the face.

Either that or you go in your sleep.

Jamie, what do you guys think?

I like what... These are very provocative.

You know, sure. I used to say, you know, I get it.

Perfectly, perfectly valid.

I will say this.

Ahab on the Pequod?

Hunts Moby who kills Ahab.

And Quentin, to me, seemed like a mystical character.

Who? Quentin? Was that mystical?

He was sort of mystical?

What did you make, for instance, of Ahab's leg?

You, yes.

What was the question?

What did you make of the leg?

What do we make of it? Yes. How do you mean?

What do you think of it?

I think it's a fine leg. It's a good leg.

No, no, but symbolically.

Well, symbolically, yeah, you know, because... Well, yeah, think about it.

have to have legs. Yeah.

Otherwise, it's just Ahab standing on the prow of a boat, legless, you know,

which is like sitting, basically, so... So what, do you have to go out? Do you

have to get legs? Yeah. Where is he going to get them? Like, go to some

where they sell them? I don't think so.

No, that's all right. Guys, Ahab had a wooden leg.

I know.

I'm saying. Yes.

What?

Because, you know, how, I mean, it's so hard to chase a whale anyway. So imagine

with a wooden leg, I mean, how hard is that? Yeah, you try it. Yeah.

You two didn't read the book, did you?

No, no, you know... Isn't this just great? You know, you pick the longest

ever written. You make all of us read it, and you don't bother to read it

yourselves? Golly. I am really offended.

Me too. Double golly. You didn't read the book?

Honestly. What does it matter with you people?

Tell him. We're cousins.

Hilarious. She's my cousin. She's my wife. She's my cousin. She's my wife.

I'm glad you think it's so funny. This affects all of us. You, me, everybody.

I mean, we're practically circus people.

Well, it doesn't affect me.

My family knows well enough to go outside the tent to get their nookie.

Right, Marvin. Like you have not been in love with your mother your whole life.

In love with her, yes.

But I never even asked her out.

Oh.

raise the banner of sanity for a moment here? Please. I would like to comment on

this sort of thing.

I once had an aunt.

She wasn't exactly my aunt. Actually, she was a friend of the family. But I

called her aunt until one summer afternoon on Nantucket when I

her step out of the pool shower.

After that, I called her Rita.

But I digress. My problem is, may I, please? I am puzzled by these squiggly

lines. We don't see them anywhere else on either family tree. Because they mean

that somebody did something very wrong.

Excuse me. There's something that simply must be said. It wasn't her fault. I

want to welcome you to the family now.

Now?

I'm telling you, this is very bad.

Jamie and her new cousin, Mom, they're like, they're inseparable.

Do you think you're overreacting? No.

Hey, how was your lunch?

I have to tell you, your mother, when did you get to know her? Eight shades of

nifty.

Help me, Lord.

Would you stop? Just ignore him. He's being very childish. Yes, he is.

What's that?

Oh, Sylvia gave it to me. She said it was in the family. That's lovely.

Isn't that sweet?

I've got to go call her.

Mom gave her grandma's brooch. I told you this was very bad. I have always

promised that brooch. I know. Do you know the things I've had to do to get

promise? Please.

The mother -daughter fashion shows.

I know. The matching culottes. Sure. The freaking bake -off of 92.

She's breaching on your brooch.

Something has got to be done. That's all I'm saying.

Snuff's enough, sister.

Cousin.

Quiet, quiet.

Shh.

Did the doorman see you? Sleeping.

Good. In general, that's bad, but tonight, that's good. You got the

Yeah.

Brooch. Also, a couple of little extra trinkets, just so it wouldn't look

suspicious. Some old cheap necklaces. That's an old watch of mine.

Burglar takes a Taco Bell novelty watch?

I'll let the window open so it'll look like the burglar used the fire escape.

It's perfect.

The brooch will disappear, and Ma will tear Jamie apart.

You're very sweet to say that.

God bless her.

It's all right.

But Grandma's brooch. Now don't blame yourself.

I feel so bad.

No, the important thing is that you're all right.

You're so wonderful, Mommy.

No.

No, it's nothing. It's nothing. Look here. Take my watch.

Just kidding.

What's up?

Well, I was inspired by your little announcement the other day to do a

deeper genealogical research.

And could I possibly put these down somewhere?

Sure, of course. Hi, Avon lady.

Just kidding.

It's like Avon calling. No joke.

You know, actually, there are a lot of arcane abbreviations used in genealogy.

For instance, the carrot indicates a second marriage.

Now, the brackets indicate a maiden name, and those squiggly lines, also

as a swung dash, indicate quite fascinatingly, and how do I put this

um, servitude.

Erwin Buckman and Hester Stemple were never married. He was actually her

What? Her valet. He picked up her clothes. He carried things around. The

with Maximilian and Eleanor. They were not married. He waited on her hand and

foot. There's quite a history of Buckmans being bossed around by Stemples

but I make no judgment.

I'm just kidding, of course.

Wait, wait, wait. So our family is not inbred? That's right.

So we're just naturally stupid? Yes. Oh!

Isn't that great? Oh, God, yes. Mommy, isn't that great?

Yeah, give me the watch.

Come here, you.

What's the matter?

You okay?

You got a headache or something?

You know we're not cousins.

What is it?

I miss Mommy.