Original subtitles

Okay, now pour soup through a colander to strain out the larger pieces of

chicken and the errant bone.

Okay, and now serve and enjoy your piping hot soup.

Can I

just say, I really like driving Mark's car.

You were just supposed to move it. I know, but in the process of moving it, I

drove it a little bit. What a car. What a beautiful car. It's got an inline

eight and a five -speed automatic bringing all that power to the pavement.

I read the book. There's a little book in there. Guess who I was sitting next

at a red light?

Tony Randall.

Still a handsome, handsome man.

Yes? Priority parcel.

Yay! Steve with the legs. My shoes.

Shoes? What?

Shoes? Shoes, yeah. I ordered myself a pair of Italian loafers.

the likes of which you have never seen in all your days. Good for you. You take

an outline of your foot, and you send it to this master cobbler in Palermo,

Italy, and from that, he takes it, and he crafts a shoe that's so exactly to

your foot, and it's so comfortable, it's so soft, it's like you're wearing a

calzone. Wow.

What did you say? Steve with the legs? Yeah, a priority parcel guy's named

Steve, and he has legs. Steve with the legs.

And? And he wears shorts, and you see the legs, and they're very nice. You

happy?

Hello. All right, yeah, those are some damn nice legs. Okay.

What? That's not him.

Sorry.

Paul Buckman? Yes, yes.

Excuse me, where's the guy who normally does this route?

Oh, I see. Steve with the legs. Yeah.

You call him that, too?

Hey, we've all seen him in shorts.

So, where is he? Is he on vacation?

Is he moved? Is he promoted?

Dead.

Dead? Dead.

Oh, my God, how did that happen?

Don't know.

Don't know. You don't know, or, like, cause of death unknown?

Don't know.

One day he was delivering packages, and the next day... Dead?

No, still delivering packages.

But that night?

Dead, I'm hoping.

Dead.

That is horrible. Life is so fragile.

Boy, and what a way to spend your last day, huh? Bringing boxes of stuff to

people you don't even know. I mean, what kind of life... Hey.

Hey, well, thank you, uh, Tom. Tom, is it?

Tom. Tom with the drinking problem. Okay.

That is so sad.

Oh, I'm sure Tom is seeking help. No, about Steve, it makes you think that any

day, even today, could be your last, our last.

It does?

What if this were our last day? What would you want to do before you die?

I'd like to see a monkey peel a shrimp.

Good one.

I'd like to... I would like to cure something.

What? Well, for starters, whatever was killing me.

I give all our money to charity.

I tell everybody not to worry. I tell everyone I love I love them.

That's nice. I'll do that, too.

You want to do that? Let's tell everyone we love them.

Seriously? Yeah.

All right, that's good. Let's do that. Okay.

So who do we tell? Who do we tell?

What are you doing? I'm making a list.

Now? This is it today? Today's our last day?

No, Steve with the legs.

All right, gee, okay, you're right. When you're right, you're right. Okay, so

Mabel. Mabel, for sure. Our family, Mark and Fran. Yeah, good.

Him, yeah. Right. Them, you gotta.

You know what?

Him, if it was last year, yes, but this year, not so much, yeah.

Bye. Bye -bye.

Love you, Debbie.

Love you, Joan.

We love you.

Bye -bye.

That was fun.

It sure was.

Of course I'm off. Okay.

Okay. So that's good. So we've got Mabel, we've got Murray, Debbie, and

And I'm going to talk my mom into having lunch with us, so you'll go pick her up

while I talk to some of the people only I love. Okay, good. All right, so for

the first time, the streets of this city will kiss my patini.

Shoes, shoes, patini, Italian for shoes.

You're so nice. Look at me. I'm gliding.

Look at me. I'm like Michael Jackson, but forward.

You've got to scratch them up.

What are you talking about, woman? The soles. You've got to scratch them up

with a steak knife or something.

It's called scoring.

You know, you would not last two minutes with a master cobbler, I'll tell you

that.

Hey there, Mrs. Buckman. Hey, Nat. Who there? Hey, Nat. Hey, I just saw your

sister and her tall lady friend getting out of the elevator there. Wow, that's a

whole lot of pretty in one place, huh?

Yeah, listen, thanks for making the extra stop, Nat. Oh, please, come on,

Nat, have a seat. We'd like to talk to you.

Awful words.

Awful, awful, awful words. No, Nat, no. No, no, no, please don't shield me.

Please, whatever it is, I can take it. Well, I actually cannot take it, but in

the Asian tradition of saving face, I will attempt to do so. Just a moment,

please.

Go.

No, no, no, I think you misunderstand it. It's nothing bad. In fact, it's

It's nice? Yeah. I think you're going to actually like this.

It's something nice. Yeah.

Okay, goody then.

You're free.

Nat? We love you.

Nat, did you hear us?

We said, we love you.

Nat? Is it a sex thing?

Is it a sex thing? Oh, my God, no, no.

No, it's just a true, pure, genuine love.

Yeah. You need money?

Were you in trouble? I hate to God, you need money. You get my every last nickel

and dollar. This is just about the feelings we have for you over the last

years. We feel love. We love you.

Well, it's just that you just love me?

We love you. That's all.

Wow.

Holy cats.

Good people like you love me, and I'm loved.

I mean, you know, I just...

Please upset.

There should be a new word for happiness.

It's just... I just want... You should know that... Excuse

me. Can you just try and take it in the spirit in which it was intended?

Geez, what'd you do to him?

Nothing. We were just... These are new shoes.

Aren't they nice, though? These are very spiffy. Yeah. You know what? You better

score the bottoms or you're going to break your neck. You should use a letter

opener. Okay, now, two of you, why don't I just get into a cheetah for half an

hour? Leave my shoes alone. Sit down.

All right, but you got to make it quick. I got a rat loose in the storeroom.

Marvin is hunting him with a crossbow.

Okay, well, we'll just jump in there.

Uh,

it's really kind of simple.

Ira, Jamie and I, we just, we want you to know that we love you.

I know. Now, what do you want to see me about?

That. Just that. We love you.

We're pretending we're dead tomorrow.

What the hell's the matter with you two?

What? Are you putting me out? No, no, we just... It's like I don't have a

business to run. Can you take it in the spirit in which it was intended?

I'll come by next Tuesday. We can cuddle.

All right, so that's two more. Okay.

Leave me, Emma, won't you?

Maybe I'ma need you.

You're the only one I care about. Ooh, I love this car. I love my driving glove.

Maybe I'm crazy, but I just can't live without your love.

How's she doing? She's all right. She broke one rib and two arms. She broke

her arms? Yeah, but just the one rib.

Hello, bright side.

Thank God you were right there.

Yes, yes, that's a blessing.

Did you see the actual accident?

Yes, I did. Yes, I did.

Oh, my God.

it looks.

The doctor says in less than six months I might be able to pick up a spoon.

How did this happen?

You mean you don't know?

No. Oh, this'll be fun.

I was standing on a curve. It was a beautiful day today. If you recall, the

was shining in my face.

and I was thrilled with the prospect of meeting the two of you for lunch, when

all of a sudden... I hit her.

What? I hit her with the car. You hit my mother with a car?

Foot slipped.

What? Foot slipped. Off the brake, onto the gas, foot slipped right away. Your

foot slipped? Yes. You mean your shoes slipped? Okay. Did you score it? You

didn't score it. I failed to score it. Honey, wait a second. You ought to check

and make sure that he's okay. After all, Paul was in the accident, too. Are you

okay? Fine. Good. Now tear into him. I told you not.

Oh, my darling.

Oh, sweetheart.

Oh, are you all right? No, I'm fine.

The doctor is teaching me to applaud with my feet.

How did you know I was here?

Paul, he called me. Yeah, don't worry about it. I called everybody. I called

Patrick and Jamie and my parents and Gus.

Gus?

Gus? You called Gus?

Well, he was married to you for over 30 years. Whoa, whoa, whoa. Wait a minute.

Let's just review this.

You run me over, and then you call my ex -husband and my boyfriend to meet me

here in the same room here?

Well, I thought at a time like this, your husband and your boyfriend would

possibly together... Wrong. Okay, wrong. So I get it now. Okay, wrong.

Maybe there's a silver lining here, Teresa. Maybe the fates have conspired

lift the veil of secrecy under which you've hidden our love.

See? So it could be a good thing.

But it could be not. Okay. Okay.

Has no one brought your flowers? Well, then I'm off to the gift shop, soon to

make a beautiful, if currently teapot -shaped girl a wee bit happier.

Can I get anything for anyone else? You know, if you see a candy machine, I

haven't eaten anything since I hit her.

He offered.

My darling.

Sweetie, are you ready?

Teresa, Jamie and I have something we want to say to you. Are you kidding me?

Well, why not?

You hit her with a car.

One would argue all the more reason.

All right.

Teresa, it's sort of something that we wanted to say. In fact, it's the reason

we wanted to have lunch with you in the first place. I hope you like it. We hope

it makes you happy. It makes us happy to say.

You're pregnant.

What? You're going to have another baby?

Oh, I see. Oh, that's incredible.

You're going to have... Hello in there. Oh, that's wonderful.

Paul.

Paul, you little...

Dick and dick.

Mom, no.

Not pregnant? Sorry, no.

Okay, then what was so important that you wanted to tell me?

We love you.

Excuse me?

We love you.

You love me.

Yes, we love you. That's what we wanted to say to you.

And you, you love me too?

Yeah, but he's the one who wanted to tell you now.

That is just so cheap.

You're going to get me all excited about being a grandmother again.

And then after knocking me clear into next week with the car, you try to make

for it by telling me that you love me?

You love me? You ought to be ashamed. I'm ashamed. I'm ashamed.

I am a little bit ashamed. There's a lot of shame. I feel more shame. Shame!

People who need shame, come to me. Shame!

Shame! Get your shame! I have the shame.

Teresa, how you doing?

Gus, how nice of you to come.

Whoa, whoa, what?

For God's sake, some sicko runs you over with a car and I wouldn't come over

here? Who was the degenerate piece of garbage anyway?

Hi, Paul. Hi, honey. Hi, Ben. Nice seeing you, Gus. Now, I think you should

I'm not supposed to have a lot of visitors.

Teresa, here, for you.

Looky here.

A delivery boy with flowers.

A delivery boy? Paul, would you sign for them, please, and then just give this

nice delivery boy with the flowers a tip? Oh, Teresa, I wish you would just

Gus once in a while.

You know, I'm allergic. I'm allergic to flowers. Why don't we take them out to

the nurse's station? I'm terribly allergic.

I chew.

I chew.

I chew. I chew.

I thought the flowers were lovely.

Daddy, um...

Since we have a quiet moment, there's something that Paul and I wanted to say

you today. It's something that goes unsaid. I don't think we say it enough,

we want you to know that we love you very much.

We love you, Gus.

Well, I love you, too.

That's nice to hear. Okay, so super.

Yeah. Okay.

Well, hey, you know...

Is there anything else?

Hello?

Hi. I'm looking for a redhead and a thorax restrainer. I'm looking for a

young woman in a white suit who knows the way to the cafeteria.

Follow me.

What's good down there?

Well, Monday is sloppy joe day. Oh, thank heavens it's Monday.

How cute is my dad?

Cute, cute, and also a terrific kisser.

Come in. Come in.

Come in. Come on in, please.

Come in. Oh, my God.

Oh. Oh.

Oh.

Where's Patrick?

He's sulking. He's upset with me.

Mom, don't you think it's about time that you told Daddy about Patrick? Look,

he knew I was seeing somebody that young, he would be deeply hurt.

Well, how does Patrick feel about being kept a secret?

He's deeply hurt.

So? I know. I know. It's a...

Would you like the male perspective? No!

A mother gives birth to a child.

She nurtures that child.

She takes him to her bosom. She puts him back because he's allergic, but who

could know?

That child grows up, takes a wife, and then that child and that wife betray

mother with an almost Quebecian coldness.

Who is that mother?

I am.

Well spoken, Sylvia. Thank you.

We are so sorry that you were struck by an automobile.

Here's some mint patties.

And we'll leave you with these people.

She rehearsed that all the way here. The best time was in the elevator.

Tell her she was very good.

Hold on a second.

Wait a second. Mom, what's going on? Look, it's not like we're sitting home

wondering if you love us, but it's so long as you're going from door to door.

Oh, my God.

What happened was we wanted to see, you know, what it would be like if we lived

this day as if it were our last day, and we wanted to tell everybody that we

loved them.

Everybody, but not exactly everybody.

We were saving the best for last.

What? You and Pop, we were saving the best for last. Really?

Yes.

Well, you really do love us. Yes. Of course.

You love us the best. Oh, we love you the last. The best. The best. Yes, yes,

yes.

Yeah. Of course.

Tell her again how you like the speech. Oh, we love the speech, Ma. I was much

better in the elevator.

Love you.

Hi, honey. How you doing? Oh, Gus.

I got the mother of all itches. Oh, yeah.

How did you know?

Oh, hey.

Gus, sit down.

I'm seeing someone.

Well, I figured.

Really?

Oh, come on, doll.

You? You're one in a million.

You too, guys.

Ah.

Who is it, the young guy with the bowl of flowers?

Yeah. Oh, yeah.

Oh, he's young.

Yeah, he's a young guy.

Yeah.

Oh, he'll get over that.

Is he kind to you?

Yes.

Good.

You okay?

Yeah, I'm okay. Sure. Good.

Good.

Well, I got to get going.

It was great to see you, doll.

Hey, Gert.

Uh -huh.

Oh, yeah.

It's the Sloppy Joes.

Gus. You better go right on in. She's waiting for you.

Thank you. Yeah, sure.

And you, too. I guess I'll be seeing a pair of you soon, right? Sure.

I love you, Daddy. Yeah, you mentioned that. I love you, too.

We love you, Gus.

Yeah. All right, Paul. All right.

And listen, remember, if they ever catch the guy that ran her over, you know, we

would meet together, right? Yeah, you would.

All right.

Can I say one thing? Yeah. I love you.

Have you learned nothing in the last seven hours?

Hey, Ray.

Yeah. What are you doing?

Well, I'm stealing.

Why? Why? Because the finale is a week from next Monday. I thought I'd...

Take some of Paulie and Jamie's stuff.

You know, you don't think Ron Howard would have loved to have stolen the

Fonzie's jacket?

Finale? What do you mean, finale?

The finale.

It's the last show.

Ned, listen to me.

After this episode, there's only two more episodes. The matter about you is

over, my friend.

No, finito. Done.