Original subtitles

Any further bids on our 1214?

Going one. Ooh, let's bid on that.

Going twice. A chainsaw?

All right, don't come crying to me next time you want to take down a Redwood.

Sold on 12 -14 to the gentleman with the cast. I told you, I wasn't bidding.

Oh, honey, look at this. What is it? A honeymoon weekend.

What is that? Three days and two nights at a lover's paradise nestled far from

civilization on acres of pristine beauty.

It's the honeymoon you never had. It doesn't say that. Absolutely it does. A

delightful getaway filled with charm that will also relieve the crushing

you must feel at never having taken that special someone on a honeymoon. Even

after seven years, your wife, Jamie, will thank you.

We'll bid on the honeymoon package. Paul?

Jamie? Dr. Lee! It's so good to see you! How is Mabel? Great.

That's so great you took time off to come down to the auction.

Actually, my waiting room is full.

And my patients will all resent me tremendously for the inconvenience. But

very pleased to be here.

Here you go, bunny.

Thank you, boo -boo.

Diane?

Paul, hi!

What a surprise!

No, well, yes, what a surprise.

You, you and you, to get you two. Oh, you silly thing. I'm sure Jamie told you

she set us up.

Didn't I?

Doctor? Nurse? Sure. Medical professional. Sure.

Besides, I just really wanted you to be in a relationship.

Oh, look!

A lost flamingo with propellers!

Come on, let's go look. You know what? We were just getting ready to... All

righty.

Bye, Boo -Boo. Come back soon.

So, to the woman... Boo -Boo.

Oh, Boo -Boo, I get it. Boo -Boo, because she's a nurse?

No.

So you and Diane, huh?

How's that going?

We spend every night together.

I haven't slept in three weeks, and I fear my work is suffering.

But for the first time in my life, I'm completely sexually satisfied.

All right, then.

Until now, sex has been a quixotic experience for me, filled with murky

-doubt and general self -loathing.

But Diane has taken me beyond my previous limits as a man.

And as a lover.

She's a deeply sexual being.

Fearless and athletic.

With incredible talent and a tacit understanding of my body.

She's not afraid to teach and I'm not too proud to learn.

She leaves me hungry for nothing but hunger itself.

And how are you? I'm fine.

is just the greatest.

Bunny seems great.

And he reminds me so much of Paul.

Ah, you don't say.

Okay, the next item off the page is lot 1217.

Sterling silver wild boar hairbrush.

That's what I came for.

50. I have 50. Do I have 55?

55. Excellent.

What? I always wanted one of those things. I have 55.

60. 100.

I have 100.

105. Can I speak to you, sweetie? What? I want this. silver boar thingy. Sold

for $105 to the fetching young nurse.

You set up Dr.

Lee and Diane?

Yeah. No, listen, I never, I mean, good for you. I never would have, never would

have pictured them together.

A little jealous?

No, I'm not jealous. Look, I understand I can't have Diane, but for her to be

with another guy, that, that's just, that, that, that's not right. I see.

Do I have any more bids on our 1218?

1218? Oh, that's your honeymoon package. Going once. Bid, bid, bid, bid. I don't

know. How much is it worth? I don't know. I'm not sure. Going twice. Well,

just take a moment and figure out a nice price, and then we'll let you do that.

$2 ,000.

Oh, just do that.

Wow. Going once, twice, sold. My 1218, the royal bouncer.

The what? The royal bouncer.

To the odd woman by the table.

Next item up for bid, the honeymoon getaway. No, no, no. I'm getting our

back. I know.

that all the sick and injured children want to thank you for your generosity.

You're going to love that royal bouncer.

It was a mistake, actually.

We thought we were bitten on the honeymoon package.

Oh, how unfortunate.

But you know, I might be able to help. My uncle is in the travel business.

Honeymoons are his specialty.

Really? Yes.

It's best if you contact him directly.

He cares little for me, his only nephew.

But he'll bend over backwards for total strangers without hesitation.

There you go. Very nice of you to help us out. There you go. See, now we can

have everything. We can have the honeymoon and the royal bouncer.

What is a royal bouncer?

Well,

it's certainly an exciting addition to our living room.

When we get back, we can sell it to a clown college.

Who is it?

Gentlemen. Okay.

Why does she... I don't know.

Oh, there you are. Yes.

Hey, I bought you something.

Raising the black child.

Uh -huh.

Well, thank you. So, listen, there's a few things we have to... Oh, my God. A

royal bouncer?

Wait, wait. Is this new?

An enormous and inflatable castle in the middle of our living room? Yes.

Oh, pretty please, with sugar on top...

We have to keep it in good condition. Okay. Now, listen. Murray has to be

three times a day. There's no food in the refrigerator.

Sorry. Any questions? Yes.

Can I bounce on it if I'm super careful? Lisa! No, come here. Come here. Pop

quiz. Tell me the house rules, please.

Okay. No long -distance calls. Yes.

No falling asleep with the bathtub running. Yes. And, oh, no showing my

the people across the street after 11.

Okay. Yeah.

It's very simple. Don't worry. I mean, I'm a great housewife. sitter. I know.

Hey, remember when I was, um, house -sitting at the Klostyak's place and

was that explosion? Who called 911?

She's kidding.

Here it is.

The honeymoon suite.

Ooh, I recognize it right away.

Oh, my gosh.

The two want to be alone, so I'll just quickly snap your arrival phone. You

don't even need a picture. All right, very good.

And if you can keep your hands off each other for just one more second, I'll

take you to the highlights of the room.

The theme is love.

To my right is the popular lip couch.

Above the heart -shaped bed, a panoramic mirror.

And remember, objects in mirror are larger than they appear.

On top of your TV, your cheese plate of love, featuring the heart -shaped Gouda.

Hotel information on channel one. You might want to take a gander at it before

you get too involved in extracurricular activities.

Or you can save the info for later if you'd rather get started. Oh, all right.

Whichever you prefer.

I'm not asking questions. Well, that's very gentlemanly of you.

Okay, thank you.

Hi, how you doing?

I'll be honest with you.

I have always wanted to make love on a heart -shaped bed. You did?

Yes.

So how do you... Right.

Hey, look, the bottom of my heart.

Oh, the feet.

A little short.

Sweetie, I love you, but it's been a long drive. I think I'm just going to

a little nap in the left ventricle.

What are you staring at?

Hey, my ass.

Oddly, my ass also heart -shaped.

Consisted we come to. We got the room across the hall.

Oh, isn't that nice? We made this for you and sweets for your sweetie cooking

class. Oh, and that's sweet for the sweetie. I myself am hyperglycemic and

to black out if I have sugar.

But you, without the debilitating disease, eat up.

Well, thank you so much and thanks for coming by. Oh, our pleasure. This room

great.

You have so many heart -shaped things. What a wonderful bed.

I like the honeymoon so far.

Yes, it is.

Are you ready?

Yes, I am.

What?

Do you remember, did they say it's tomorrow continental breakfast or full

breakfast?

I think they said full.

Oh, okay, good.

What's the matter? It's been so long since we've had French toast. Oh, boy,

really is.

You know, there's no rule says we have to... I don't need to know. Yeah, okay.

Great.

Yeah.

Okay,

but after, you'll tell me why?

Hey, Lisa!

Over here by the dungeon! It's all right, I'm coming. Hey, by the way, I'm

flattered that you should call me.

Well, yours is the only number I have memorized. because it spells Jekyll

Rattles. Here we go.

Ow, my hair.

Oh, my button. I think it's caught.

Ow, ow, ow.

Don't move your body anymore, ever.

You called out Paul's name during relations.

So what?

That makes me unhappy.

Bunny, bunny, bunny, bunny, bunny, bunny, bunny, bunny, bunny.

Want to go back in the champagne cup?

No. The champagne cup holds no appeal for me now.

Oh.

Oh. Oh.

Oh. Paul!

I don't like this hotel.

Marvin, it's okay. It's not like we're dying or anything. Calm down!

It'll be a second!

What are you doing?

Hey, hey, hey!

For God's sake, just untangle us.

I can't.

I can't move. I don't do well in enclosed spaces.

Think about that before you jumped in here.

I thought I could conquer my fear.

Turns out, no.

Maggie, help! We're stuck in here!

Is it getting smaller?

Is the mesh tightening?

Can somebody please dignify me with an answer?

believe that three grown adults are trapped in a child's toy.

I mean, these things are so easy to get in and out of.

Human foot.

Somehow the foot gives me hope.

Let go of my foot. This little piggy went to market.

This little piggy went home.

This little piggy had a big beef sandwich. This little piggy had a

break.

It wasn't on purpose.

Do you know how sick that is?

Let's not use labels. It's sick.

It's profoundly sick.

Why can't you see it as something positive?

Oh, this ought to be good.

You know, I think it demonstrates a very strong self -image. Yes, I would say

very strong.

You know, at least I know who I am.

Honey, can we please just talk about it in the morning?

Diane, my fragile self... image has been crushed to the point of probable

lifelong impotence.

But you sleep well.

Where are you going?

I'm going to the gift shop.

Is it wrong that I think of myself as a sexual being? Is it wrong that I'm

capable of arousing myself?

I mean, is it wrong? Is it wrong that... Help me.

Why don't you have a nice honeymoon with yourself?

Where are you going?

I don't know, the gift shop.

Oh, Jamie!

You see that? Where was that ten minutes ago?

Hi. Hi.

Sorry. All right. I was on my way to the gift shop, but I was listening at your

door and heard you talking.

Jamie, you are understandably upset.

Thank you. All right, don't we think we're making just quite enough of this?

You mean you heard me?

It's okay.

Oh, I'm so embarrassed.

As I'm sure you are, too, Paul.

You guys heard me?

Oh, yeah.

Jamie, may I sleep with your husband?

I'm sorry? Better you than me, Doc.

Where are you going to sleep? You got a king -size bed?

And then some. Perfect.

Oh, dear, Chester.

I got your message.

Oh!

doing? This is Paul and Jamie's therapist.

I'm Ira. Hi, Ira. Hi. Hey, this is Lisa.

Enchanté. Right back at you.

And this is Marvin, and Maggie's foot, and over there is Maggie.

Hello. Hello.

What's with him?

He's a major claustrophobic.

Well, what's he doing in there, then?

Come on out, little fella.

Stay in there.

Could you help us, please?

Boy, have I only had a nickel for every time I heard that.

Just one minute, please.

Am I not entitled to one drop of pleasure in my life?

75 people yelling Paul in one hotel.

What?

I'd like you to admit you have a crush on my husband.

Oh, I have a huge crush on him.

I think he's sweet and vulnerable.

Get older and comfortable in his own skin.

He's got a great smile and really good eyes and his teeth.

Wowie.

But he's your husband, and as such, he's off limits.

All I can do is toast your good fortune, live my own life, and ask for your

forgiveness if, at an unguarded moment, I fall down.

Okay.

You're a very lucky woman, Jamie.

Yeah.

To where you're from.

You okay there, Dr. Lee?

Yes, it's most comfortable.

The sofa's nasal bone is right in the small of my back, causing intense

on my spinal column.

But this is part of the charm of a novelty item.

Look, Dr.

Lee, I just want to say I'm sure Diane and I both deeply regret that we called

out my name during sex.

My little boo -boo has very strong feelings for you, Paul.

Well, be that as it may, let's focus on Diane.

I'm sure it's not any big deal to you, a guy who's probably always gotten any

woman he ever looked at.

That's true.

But it's a big deal to me.

I can't compete with you, Paul. I'm aware of that.

We both know that all you'd have to do is snap your fingers and boo -boo would

be yours.

And so I'm asking you, As an act of mercy.

Please. You're already married to a fantastic woman.

Release Diane.

Release her.

I suppose this once I could. Thank you. That's very kind of you.

I'll spend the rest of my life knowing that I am only with Diane because of

largesse. And I'll question to the death whether or not her love is true.

But thank you.

You have such awesome hair.

No, you do.

No, you.

No, you do.

No, you.

Hi. Hi!

Raising the black child.

I tell you, whether you have a black kid or not, this is a killer book.

Hey, let the nice lady's leg go.

is you more Paul or Jamie?

Mary, what are you doing?

Hey, hey, what's going on? I'm filthy.

Get me out of here.

Get me out of here. Jamie, get away.

You sure you didn't want to stay for the whole weekend?

Sweetie, we don't need a fancy hotel for a honeymoon.

All we need is each other and an apartment to let him be.

You know, there's always Acapulco.