Original subtitles

Who hops?

There we go.

Frogs, huh?

Look, it's Daddy. Maybe he'll read you your new book. Oh, you know what,

sweetie? We don't even have the time. Oh, come on. It's your daughter, for

sake.

Here's a quick little read, and then I... Okay, sweetie. Here we go. A little

quick fashion. Okay. Here we go.

Who hops?

Frogs. Let her turn the page.

She likes to be part of it. You turn the page.

Okay.

Oh. Who hops?

Frogs hop. You're holding it too close to her.

Pardon me? She's not focusing because you're holding it too close to her eyes.

Let's start again. Here we go.

Okay. Who hops?

Frogs hop. She heard that part already. Okay, you know what, sweetie?

I love you like I do. Tell me who can start my heart as much as you.

Let's take each other's hand and jump into the final frontier.

Final frontier.

Okay, we, my little friend, are packed and ready to go for our weekend in Los

Angeles.

I'm very excited about this. This is going to be great. This is great. This

like a weekend for the record books. I'm not going.

I say this is a great, great weekend. I don't want to leave Mabel. I'm sorry.

Honey, it's two days.

It's two, not, and with a time difference, like a day and three

oh, seven, eight.

A day, a day and 21, 24th.

It's, it's less than two days. I'm still not going.

We've talked about this, okay? This is a big deal for me. This is not some small

agent. Honey, listen, I'm talking to you. This is not a small agent. This is

Gardner Malloy flying me across the country for a meet and greet, okay? Not

a meet. He does the meet and then a little extra greet.

Why can't he do that on the phone?

Come on. He's trying to decide if he wants to represent me. You know, he's

to shake my hand, look me in the eye, take the measure of me.

Why can't he come here? Because they don't do that. They don't do that,

We go there.

Mm -hmm.

Do you have any idea what it means if Gardner Malloy wants to be my agent?

does it mean? Oh, you have no idea. Come on. It means I can finally make the

documentaries I want to make. You know, we're talking about Paul Buckman can

finally become an actual person. Oh, sweetie, you're a person.

No, I'm not. No.

Not really. I'd like to be, you know. Someday, I'd like to be a person, and

Gardner Malloy can do it. Gardner Malloy can make you a person. Really? Yeah.

Henry Weitzman, Jules Monti, Frank DeSantis. Never heard of them. Just

Gardner Malloy doesn't represent them. You see?

or left her alone for a whole weekend?

Sweetie, she'll be right here with her grandparents.

I am so sorry.

Sweetie, they haven't ruined a child in over 30 years now. All right, we'll go.

Plus, Malloy's paying for the whole trip.

We get to eat out of the minibar? Anything. Little can of pretzels, $32.

Who cares?

Hiya, Mama.

Hiya. No, no, no.

Oh, Mabel, baby.

Clarex was having a white sale, so we brought you some towels. Oh, Sylvia,

that's so sweet. If it's all the same to you, we'll use them while we're here.

Make sure you get an aisle seat on the plane. That's where the action is. And

make them give you bottled water. They say they don't have it, but they do.

keep it up front.

You're the pilot.

All right, good to know. All right, Pop.

Thank you. All right, sweetie, I think that's it. I think we are ready and

to go. Okay. All right, come on.

Just absolutely ready to go. All righty. Okay, we're leaving.

We're leaving.

Leaving on a jet plane.

Now, we're leaving.

Okay. Big old jet airliner coming to take us away.

Sweetie, big flappy, flappy jet, jet, jet.

Sweetie, you want a couple more minutes? Yeah. I see.

Look at this, honey. The King Vidor suite.

You know why they call it a suite, don't you? Look at this. This is sweet.

I can't believe the airline lost our bag.

Look, over the bed, they got a drapey thing there. You put the bag on the

in the beginning, you take it off in the end. How hard is that?

Oh, swans.

Hello, Mr. Swan.

Don't annoy the swans.

Why did it have to be the bag with Mabel's little picture in it? Sweetie,

have 17 ,000 pictures of the child. No, but her little finger in her nose.

Yes, you're right. It's one of a kind, and yet, life goes on. Here we go. Thank

you very much. That was, uh, great.

Okay, this is terrific.

Thank you.

It'd be a buck a bag even here, right?

God, it's bright in Los Angeles. What is that?

That's the sun, sweetheart.

But if you don't like it, I'll have them turn it right off.

Who is?

Room service with a basket of goodies.

We didn't actually order anything.

Compliments of Mr.

Gardner Malloy.

Oh, well, okay.

There we go. Look at that.

Champagne. Champagne is nice.

See, a little spark of life there. And look at all this.

Oh, my God.

Truffles and olive paste.

Goose liver pate.

Nobody you know.

Thank you very much. Thank you.

Well, this is pretty impressive, huh?

Yeah. All right. I would like to make a toast, if I may, to the most beautiful

woman I know, who, by weekend's end, may very well be married.

To a client of Mr.

Gardner Malloy. Here, here.

Ooh, that is good.

Oh, very good.

It is, isn't it?

I gave the guy a five. Does that seem like that?

He came straight from his tennis lesson. And right after this, he's due in the

Valley. But he knows he only has you here for, what is it, two days?

Oh, not even. More like a day and 30, like a five, 50, you know.

Two days, yeah. Okay.

Well, he really wanted to see you, so... Oh, no, thank you. I went at the hotel.

What are you kidding?

Gardner. Speaking.

Paul Buckman is here. What?

Paul Buckman is here. Oh, good, good, good, good, good.

Hiya, Paul Buckman.

Hiya, Gardner.

Malloy.

You look well.

Nice to meet you. Give me a minute. I've got to rinse and repeat here.

Sure. You know what? I'm going to have to wait outside. Gardner!

talk. Let's chat.

Have a seat.

Sit, sit, sit, sit, sit.

So good to finally meet you.

I've got to tell you, I'm a little starstruck.

Oh, starstruck, really?

Yeah, because I'm a very imposing figure.

Hey, can I get you something?

I'm fine, thanks.

Muffin. Fine, thanks. Coffee.

No, thanks. Peach.

Peach, sure.

Peach sounds good. I'll have one, too. See if you can't scare us up a couple

peaches, huh? Okay.

lost it and we made a little bit of a fussy wussy.

Wow, boy, my wife will be happy to hear that.

Here we go.

Peaches. Peaches, yay!

Yes.

Peach. Toss it right over the top there, Paulie.

Peach coming in.

Hey!

So, how'd you like that goose liver pate?

Oh, that was something. Boy, what a big basket. Thank you so much.

Too much, wasn't it? A little wasteful?

No, no, no. It was a great basket. Thank you.

Look at that.

You gentlemen all right in here? We're just great. Thank you. Uh, can I take a

peach? No, you don't have to do that. Oh, it's okay. Yeah, it's all wet and

dripping now. It'll be my pleasure.

Are you sure?

Paul? Yes? Give him the peach.

Okay.

Thank you.

He's very good.

I gotta tell you, this whole trip has been such an eye -opener. We have just

been... Hey, how are you, mister? Okay.

So good to see you. Hi, nice to see you. Nice to meet you in real life.

Directions okay?

Directions were very good, thank you. I had, uh, came down, uh, San, uh... La

Cienega. La Cienega, La Cienega there. Just zip, zip, zip, zip, zip. No, the

ocean is right out there.

Paul Buckman. Yes, yes.

Tell me something. Mm -hmm, sure.

What do you want your next documentary film to be about?

That's a very good question. I'm in the process of trying to come up with a good

idea. There's so many good ideas. I'd like to help you find it.

You would?

I'd like to help you sell it, too.

You would?

Yep. What are you saying?

I am saying I would like to be your agent, if you'll have me.

If I... Oh, well, hey... You don't have to answer now.

Oh, I can answer now. Take your time. You can think about it.

I thought about it. Would you like to answer now?

If I could answer... Yes, please say yes, please say yes, please. Yes!

I'm so pleased!

I've dampened you.

That's going to dry right up.

Good day.

This is a great day.

What do we do now? What happens?

Right now?

We just enjoy the moment.

Thanks. How'd it go?

It went great.

He wants to represent me, honey. I'm a person.

I'm an actual person.

What's he like?

Oh, he's a great guy. He's an interesting guy. He's an upbeat guy.

that. He's sort of, you know, he's clean. I'll tell you that. He's clean.

He's kind of peppy. He's kind of peppy. He enjoys fruit. Does he have to do that

right now? He wants to represent you? That's great. Yeah, he wants to

me. And?

airplane, the bag.

Oh, right. How'd they do that?

I don't know. He's got clout. Should I take out the picture of Mabel? That's

okay. I'll see it later.

I'll look at it later.

Okay.

So, uh, what did you do?

I had a great day. I swam. I read.

I took a nap.

And you became Edith Piaf.

All right, Mrs. Buckingham. All done.

You have great muscle tone. You have such strong, gentle hands. You know

Why don't I just step outside? Sweetie, come here. What?

She said smell her. Yeah.

What is that, bread?

No, it's rose petals.

Oh, okay, yeah, of course, yeah. I took a scented bath.

Ooh. See, no more baby poop, just rose petals. Good for you.

Bye, Mrs. Buck. Bye -bye. See ya.

Good luck rubbing strangers.

I'm not tipping him nothing.

Look at you, like a shiny, cleaned -up burrito there.

I know what you need.

What is that?

SpectraVision. Want to watch a dirty movie?

Oh. So apparently massages make you want to watch dirty movies. No.

Hotels make me want to watch dirty movies.

Expensive hotels make me want to have sex.

Good.

No, no, let it ring. Let it ring. It could be Mom. Oh, let it ring. It could

Mom and Mabel. Let me just see.

Hello? Hey, Paul Bachman. Hey, Gardner. It's Gardner. Hey, Gardner. I can't wait

to meet you. We're having so much fun. Okay. Thanks for the chutney. All right,

sweetie. Chutney!

How you doing? What's up? I got an idea. Sure.

Okay. Where should we meet?

Okay. Okay, I'll be there in exactly three and a half minutes.

Fun!

Where did you learn to shoot like that?

I don't know.

Camp?

Camp? Like Dirty Harry camp?

Is it wrong that I find that sexy?

You married Barbarella. I really did.

Why don't you fire the gun there, Paul?

Because we're vigorously opposed to this type of thing.

Oh, yeah.

I need more bullets. Allow me.

Thanks, Gardner. My pleasure.

I love California.

I can see.

No, I'm going to go with you, Gardner. Give me your gun. What? Just till the

bullets get here.

My delicate flower.

So, uh, what was the idea?

Tell me.

So, after you leave... I pour myself a soda, and I go off to get a couple of

cubes, during which I look down at the ice tray, and I think to myself, now,

this is great, this ice tray. Who is this person who came up with this? Who

the person who took a tray with water with the divider thing with the lever?

This is a visionary, this guy.

Okay. You're right, it's dumb.

No, no, I'm just trying to... Oh, okay.

Then I start to drink through a straw, and I'm thinking, straw?

Who is the first person who said, I'm not going to drink this conventionally.

I'm going to draw it up through a conduit of some kind.

Yeah, so who would that be? Like the Earl of... You're right, it's dopey. No,

no, not dopey. Not dopey? Not at all. Okay, so here it is.

People who aren't famous, but should be.

That's my idea. What do you think?

Wow. Yes, I think that's... It's crap, isn't it? No, not at all. No, I... You

like it?

Yes, yes.

You like it or it's crap? No, I like it. Really? Yeah. So we'll do it or it's

crap? It's not crap.

We'll do it? We can do it, yes. We'll do it. I think it's great. It's great.

It's not crap.

No.

Okay.

She doesn't like this. You know, at home, she practically never fires a

repeating weapon.

She seems lovely. She's great. She's, you know, she's very accommodating.

not demanding.

How about this?

How about this? How about we go to dinner? I know a great place. Okay. We

take my plane.

Plane?

Well, the guy who invented thermoswitches, he was a genius, too.

And that sticky little lint roller takes the lint right off of you.

And the guy who invented Q -tips, it's like a tip, but with a Q.

Sir. Get in here.

Well, go ahead. I'm going to go to the acupado. Come on, sweetie.

I don't know about that, sweetie. I could get seasick and airsick at the

time. Well, that would kill for the chance to get in the hot tub with a

You think so?

Uh -huh. All right, let me check, see if I have the appropriate bathing attire.

Oh, look who's here, sweetie.

Little Mabel.

Look at that.

Oh, what a face. Is that a face?

Uh -huh.

You didn't even look. Uh -huh, I know. I'm busy.

She's so gorgeous. Look at that. I'm not just saying this because she's... I

don't want to look at her right now. All right, I know. I'm just another dopey

dad. Oh, my God.

30 ,000 feet in the air. I can't get a second to myself.

Okay, but no kidding around. Look at how the... 30 ,000 feet in the hot tub. I

can't get a second to myself. All I'm saying is that... Oh, my God. Why did I

have a baby?

What did you say?

Why did I have a baby?

Did you just say that?

Ladies and gentlemen, the pilot tells me we will be landing within the half

hour. Where are we going already?

I forgot to ask the pilot.

New York? We're going to New York? Really? We're going to New York? You

this great little French place on 12th Street.

That's right near our house. That's right near our house.

Well, Tammy, if you want to go to New York, we can go to Boston. You know, a

great little seafood place near Beacon Hill. I want to go to Boston. I want to

go to Boston. Okay, you know what? I actually think it's time to go home.

I don't want to go home.

What? I'm having fun.

Well, I'm actually not.

You miss what? I miss living like this. I miss fancy hotel rooms with swans and

shooting galleries and private planes with cut -ups. I miss my old life.

I don't want to hurt your feelings, but you never did that. That's like Joey

Bishop's old life. You're missing Joey Bishop's old life. I know.

Except we did other things that made me feel like that. We can't do those things

now. We have a baby now. I'm a mother now.

The fun is over.

Yes, but you enjoy being a mother, don't you?

Sweetie, I say, tell me you enjoy being a mother, don't you?

Stop that right there.

Thanks.

Honey?

I'm going to Boston.

Okay, because I'm going to New York. Okay, I'm going to Boston.

Really?

How was Boston?

Fine.

Gardner wants you to find the guy who invented cream pie.

All right.

You in for the night, or you going to Istanbul or something now? I'm in.

Okay, good.

I wish I hadn't said it.

Okay?

I didn't mean it.

I did mean it at the moment, but I didn't really mean it.

A part of me really meant it.

A little teeny tiny, very small part of me really meant it. But the rest of me

is really sorry for that small part.

The rest of me is so happy.

She got all that in Boston?

Well... Dad, and this.

His name is Leo.

Oh, honey, why'd you get one with a name?

Oh, it cries.

She's up?

She's been up more or less all night.

Could be she loves you, could be coincidence. Who knows?

So, Leo, you're a crustacean.

You would know. The green stuff in the middle, what is that?

You are my sunshine, my only sunshine.

You make me happy when skies are gray.

You'll never know, dear, how much I love you.

Please don't take my sunshine away.

Okay, here's one.

Toast. Yes!

Yes! The guy who discovered that when you, like, superheated bread, it doesn't

change the whole bread experience.

And staircases, huh? The guy who invented staircases.

Can you imagine what it must have been like before staircases?

Oh, I'm going to say exhausting.

Place mats!

The place mat guy!

Place mats.

The guy who invented place mats. There's one, huh?

How about this?

Matches. Matches! Because before matches, you've got to put a cigarette

mouth, put your whole face in the fire.

What do you mean?

Who was the guy who said, stop that, cut it, and cook it?