Original subtitles

Just keep the old one. I think that's better.

And I will do. And tell me who can start my heart as much as you.

Tell me all your secrets.

I'll tell you most of mine.

They say nobody's perfect.

Well, that's really true this time.

Cause I don't have the answers.

I don't have a plan.

All I have is you. So baby, help me understand. What we do.

And you can whisper in my ear. Where we go.

Who knows what happens after here.

Let's take each other's hand and jump into the final frontier.

Final frontier.

I've

never

felt better in my life.

I'm so energetic. I'm full of pep and vim. I'm focused. I'm alive.

I'm alert.

I am lord of the galaxy.

Hey.

Oh, my wife is here. I gotta go.

Are you home for lunch?

Sadly, no. Home for the truck file, which I forgot. I was so exhausted this

morning that I left without it in the presentation for this afternoon.

We still own the child, right?

Yes, we do. She's out with Ira and Lisa. Oh, good.

Yeah, they do this thing where Lisa pretends she's the mom. It's...

You know, it's cute, but it's really incredibly sad.

Well, there's nothing wrong with my sister having a little fun, spending

Hello.

You look nice.

Thank you.

Here's a thought for you, just off the top of my head. How would you like to

stay home for lunch?

I'm not hungry.

When I say lunch, I don't really mean lunch. I mean... lunch.

Oh. A little quickie, huh? A little afternoon delight.

A nooner.

A nooner?

Is that an expression you use?

A fast one. A leaner.

Oh. A mulligan.

What? What do you do all day? Oh, all right. You know, it's a good point.

One hour martinizing.

Good. All right. All right. Okay.

What do you have here? What is it?

Hey, sweetie, either you have a very long wait at the bakery. I signed up for

10K charity run.

Really? Well, good for you. What charity did you pay? Mother Teresa's Magic

Children. Good for you.

You know what?

I'm going to sign up, too.

Yeah, we'll run together, you and me. We'll run. It'll be fun.

Sweetie, not everybody has to run physically. You can run in spirit.

What do you mean?

Sweetie, it's a 10K, 10 whole K.

Right. You're saying you don't think I can run 10K? In a row.

That's very nice. My wife, who's supposed to be, like, my biggest

don't think that I have the energy to run a measly...

Ten little K. Do you even know how much a K is?

Yes, a K is one -tenth of a 10K. Uh -huh.

The point is, if you can do it, you're pretty sure I can do it. Okay.

You know what I think? I think you are afraid, my little friend. Afraid of?

Eating my dust.

I see. Uh -huh.

But you know what? Under the circumstances, I'm going to let it go.

kind of person I am, and I'm going to offer you a lunch wiggle.

Oh! Come on, come on. All of us will mumble.

Sweetie. I'm tired.

I'm late. I can't find my file. Yeah, okay. Big 10K person doesn't have the

strength for a little fiddle faddle. Honey. I understand. You're a mom.

working. Who has the energy for a Chattanooga choo -choo? It's all right.

Really?

No kidding around? Uh -huh. So we have time for a flopsy? Yep. Yeah, we'll be

behind. Humphrey.

One more. I'm going back to the office. Last one, I swear.

losing all that weight after Mabel was born. Please, don't do this. The last

pounds were really bad. You understand, you are not her mother. And the

lactating and the... Thank God, you're just her aunt.

Hey, I'd be an amazing mother. Oh, yeah?

Yeah.

In fact, I think I want a baby of my own right now.

Okay, Liz, just a couple of things to consider, all right?

Like what?

Like you're nuts.

Yeah. Yeah, and, like, what are you going to do about a husband?

I'll adopt.

Hey, don't even joke about something like that.

I have a need to mother.

Well, maybe you should not start at the top, you know, like with a baby human.

Maybe you should start with, like, a cactus, you know, or a banana.

I can mutter more than a banana.

How about a monkey?

No, no. A monkey's too evolved.

A turtle.

Get yourself a turtle.

Oh, no, no. It has to have fur.

You can't be a mother unless the thing you're mothering has fur. A gerbil.

A cow.

Iguana. A horsey. Parrot. Cat.

Hey, that sounds pretty good. Good. Adopt a cat.

Yeah, I will.

What a cute baby.

Oh. Thank you.

You know, I was in labor for over 70 hours. Here we go.

Got to love those nooners.

Let's hear it for a nooner. Is it noon?

Let's have a nooner. I'm hungry. Are you hungry?

Let's eat. Make me lunch.

Sleeping. You promised you weren't going to make me lunch. Aren't you hungry?

Aren't you?

Aren't you?

I'm trying to sleep. Okay, correct me if I'm wrong, but that was right up there

with the best ever. Honey, just... No talking. Just sleeping.

And yet, ironically, incredibly, happily, wonderfully, among the very

best. I'll give you $20 to be quiet. I feel so energized.

$30. So filled with voltage. I love this. This energy. These volts.

I sing the body electric.

It's chi.

Huh?

It's chi.

Chinese for life energy.

You have taken all my chi.

I'm totally empty. Even the extra tank.

which is why now, according to Chinese legend, I must sleep for a thousand

years.

Let me tell you something, buddy. That is some primo chi you got there, because

I am late, officially late. You know what? I don't need that file for my

presentation. I'll do it off the top, on the spot, right off the top of my head.

You're not making me lunch, are you?

Can't even talk. Gotta go. Okay.

Let's grab a Cobb salad.

I just fell asleep again.

How about this one? Looks just like Annette Bening. Yeah, that's just what I

need. A cat that's better looking than me.

Hey, look at that one.

What? Oh,

that's a kangaroo.

It'll probably kill a rabbit.

Wow, look at his coat. I wonder what kind of cat it is.

That'll be the very rare homicidal jumping cat.

He's feisty.

Excuse me.

I'd like to adopt this cat, please.

That one?

You have a problem with that?

Are you sure about this? This cat looks like it just got out of Bellevue.

I'm telling you, go with Annette.

See,

he needs me.

Oh, yeah, scratch my back. That feels good. What? It's fine.

Buckman at the five and Murray in hot pursuit.

I say Murray in hot pursuit.

Hiya. Hi. Did you forget something at home two days in a row? Oh, boy, the

is the first thing to go. That is just so sad. But I want you to know, honey,

don't worry. We're going to put you in a nice home somewhere. Not one of those

state -run facilities. I'm talking like a lovely place in the country, you know,

with finger paints and roses and a nice little duck pond. Can we have a nooner?

Can we have a nooner? It's noon.

What do you think? Do you think you can just march in here unannounced whenever

you want and I'm supposed to hop to it and service your every primitive need?

Yes. Exactly.

You know, after yesterday's nooner, I got Donald Trump to fund a daycare

The thing is, I have to somehow today get him to pay for an environmentally

friendly playground. I have no idea how to do this.

So it occurred to me, hey, I know, let's have another Nooner, which will be

barrels of fun in and of itself, not to mention it may be able to, like, jog my

thinking a little bit.

I'm only doing this for the environment. You're a giver.

I signed up for the charity 10K.

Hey, hey, hey.

Don't talk. Okay.

I've never been used like this before in my life, and I must say, me likey.

Eleven, would you please?

Oh, hey, Eleven, me too.

Oh, yeah, Bethesda.

You know what? I know that Eleven would be lovely.

I'm a new mother.

Really?

But translated into running, what we just did is maybe an eighth of a K. And

look at you.

Don't look at me. I'm grotesque.

Hey, Lee.

Hey. Hey, hey. Did you learn to knock? Please, I'm bottomless under an Afghan

here. Can I leave this here for a couple days?

This? Did I say this was going to happen? I knew it.

No,

it's okay. It's okay. It's just a little putty cap.

I got to go. I'll walk you out.

Wait a minute. Wait a minute. Wait a minute. Wait a minute. Wait a minute.

a minute. Wait a minute.

Wait a minute.

Wait a minute.

just to warm up. Oh, honey, do you know how few things there are that are less

likely right now?

Come on, Uncle Joe.

What is that, Uncle Joe? Because you're moving kind of slow.

You're so funny and so clever.

Honey, what do you think the odds are of you running a 10K tomorrow if you can't

leave the house today?

All right. You want to see running?

You want to see running? We'll see some running. You will see me run like

lightning. Oh, every day my feet a little further away.

Do you think that neuter was the best so far? I could tell.

You let out a sound, my friend, a wild sound I'd never heard before. My sounds

were within perfectly reasonable limits.

Well, maybe you didn't hear yourself, but it was like... That

was the noise.

Actually,

that was the noise.

Call someone.

Like who?

The SWAT team.

Or the exorcist.

They'll say the pound.

Why would you call the pound?

To take away the cat.

You just returned the cat. That cat is Lisa's baby. How would you feel if

someone returned Mabel?

If Mabel were leaping nine feet in the air and biting the tails off of

sheepdogs, I think I'd be open for discussion.

The book of a thousand cats?

$1 .98. What do you care?

You know what?

You call the pound. I'm gonna get Murray out of there. Be careful.

I believe I will be careful.

Shh.

It has pronounced ears. And here's the thing. It has, like, a bone -chilling

cry.

It's sort of a... No,

it's higher than that. Like a... Really incredibly bad cat.

What do you mean it's not a regular cat?

What is it, then? Wait, wait, wait, wait, wait. Here it is.

It's a puma.

It's a baby puma. There's a puma in the kitchen?

I say, it is your department.

Please send us some half -crazed meat. You're darn tootin' all over me.

My goodness.

Paul,

walk out of here.

Honey, he's got a real knack for this, okay?

Just back out, slow.

Paul, I just... Do it!

Yes, hello.

A park ranger? Where am I supposed to find a park ranger in Manhattan? Central

Park?

Oh, Central Park.

Honey, they say we have to... Are you good?

Oh, yeah.

Give me back my cat.

It's too dangerous.

Fine. Thank you.

Would you just cut it out? And don't call him dangerous. My baby is not

dangerous, okay?

Oh.

Hi.

It's in there.

Must be exciting being a ranger, huh? Well, it has its moments. Yeah, I bet

can see far.

Oh,

isn't he a cutie?

Yeah, he's adorable.

It's a tranquilizer, just so I can get him to the zoo.

The zoo?

Oh, come on. I know he's been in a lot of trouble, and, well, you try and teach

them right from wrong, but... It's a cat.

It's not your fault.

Of course it's my fault. I'm his mother. I'm responsible. It's nobody's fault.

It's a cat.

There's so much a mother can do. Every child has its own nature. Our baby's a

fussy eater.

Your baby's a, you know, a puma.

Honey, behind you. Quick. No, no, no, no, no. Shoot me, shoot me. You want me

to? No.

Well, you know what? The guy's already here.

No. Hey, you know what? You're not a mother, are you? No. So you don't know

heartache, the worry?

Shoot him, shoot him.

What, 12 to 14 hours? Yeah. Yeah.

Honey?

Sweetie?

Paul? Born free.

As free as the wind blow.

Honey?

Huh? It's time for the 10K, sweetie.

I can't.

I know. I know.

I can't. I don't. You go. You go.

Have a nice time. I will.

I was just wondering if maybe before I do, you want to have a little flopsy?

A McMullen?

A Mulligan. Whatever it is. No.

You'll give me that edge, that little extra something. No, I don't have

to give you. Oh, sweetie, I've been shot in the ass with a tranquilizer.

There. Ow.

No, I've been bitten in the colon.

I can't. If you don't care about Mother Teresa's magic children... Don't do that

to me, please. No, no, no, fine. If you're willing to suck the magic out of

their desperate little love... Oh, I'm begging you. You know what? Most of

children have never even had a day in the sun. All right, let's go.

Maybe half a Guggenheim, but then I gotta lie down.

Look, I can't work with you this way. I asked you to meow, you leave.

I ask you to leave, you hit. I ask you to hiss, you swap.

Uh, actually, we call that swiping.

Shut up! I'm an adult!

I just spent the last five days directing a freaking cat!

Sure, now.

You call yourself a cat? You're not a cat. Murray's a dog, and he's a better

than you are.

Murray walks in, hits his mark, looks up and barks. He's not even looking at me.

See, you shouldn't even be in SAG.

Ruby Wax meets legendary Hollywood madam Heidi Fleiss at 9 .30. And at 10 .40,

we kick off our Lee Evans season live from the West End. Up next, though,

by for Frasier.