Original subtitles

He's dead.

I know.

Alan's dead.

I saw the whole thing, honey.

My ex -boyfriend is gone forever.

Yes, but on the good side, husband's still alive.

You know what, sweetie? I understand.

I really do. I get it. You do? Yeah, I mean, it's upsetting when someone your

own age just passes away. It shines such a disturbing light on your own

mortality.

No, that's not it.

That's not it? No.

Oh, I know. Yeah, you're thinking of his family. My God, how hard is that for

them? I mean, you know, to be snatched out of their midst so before his time. I

mean, they couldn't have been ready. No. No, not that.

Is it that it's just so stupid for a grown man to get killed from a bee

Sorry. So, what is it?

Paul, I loved him.

You did, huh? Well, once. I loved him once.

Was it just once?

One time. I loved him at one time.

I mean, I continued to love him after that one time, but at one time I was in

love with him.

And when someone you were in love with dies, no matter how much time has

a little part of you dies with them.

I did not know that.

Just wait till one of your ex -girlfriends dies.

Hey, one already has. Who?

Heather Locklear.

I'm not dead. No, but I said hello to her once at an airport.

Nothing back. She is dead to me, my friend.

Baby delivery. Hi, Smokey. Did you have a good day? Just perfect.

Our day wasn't great, but Mabel was.

We'll talk about it later.

I'm sorry. Somebody asked me if I had a great day, and I tell them the truth.

Later is the time that we'll talk about it. All right. I'm sensing something in

you two. Why don't you tell me? What is it? We're just having a little problem

setting a date for our wedding. Yes. One of us would like to do it reasonably

soon, while the other is waiting for what?

What? Ooh, got a nice piece of that one. What is with him?

Ever since we got the golf channel.

Whoa!

Right now to Chelsea Piers and hit some balls. Oh, I'm okay. I don't have to go

to Chelsea Piers.

Damn visitors.

See, what I need is a nice course with no doorbell. That's what I'm trying to

do. Hi, Pete.

It's Paul. Please.

Hi, Chris.

Jamie. This is Chris, Alan's brother. This is my sister -in -law, Debbie.

Oh, and my friend, Joan.

Hi. Hi. What are you doing here? Is everything all right? No. My brother

a bee sting.

Oh. Stan, you know, I meant, within that context, is everything all right? No.

I should be at the wake, but I wanted this out of my house before the rage and

bile that it inspires and it became gushing out all over the sides of

Wait, okay.

What is it? Well, just stick it in your VCR and find out, Pete.

All right, thank you.

We were so sorry to hear of your brother's past. You are. All of us were

moved. Just watch the tape.

Hi, everybody.

Hi, Jamie.

Welcome to my last will and testament.

As witness and notarized by my lawyer, Mr. Daniel Kaufman, of the firm Michael

Best and Friedrich.

Hi, folks.

Lawyer Zeppo.

Okay. I, Alan Toski, being of sound mind and body, do hereby leave everything I

own in the world...

including all my personal items and about $35 ,000.

Actually, if I may, Alan, $29 ,000. Right. After lawyer's fees, about $29

Anyway, I leave it all to the great love of my life and the greatest regret of

my life, to the only woman for whom I ever felt transcendent feelings, one

Buckman. Oh, my God. Okay, easy, Jamie.

Nice. still think you're nuts.

It's just that I've come to realize that you're worth it.

No one has ever moved me like you did.

And ever since I broke up with you. I broke up with you, pal.

No, Jamie, I broke up with you.

No, you didn't. Yes, I did. No, you didn't. Yes, I did.

You're arguing with a VCR. No,

you didn't. Yes, I did.

Damn it.

You see? You see, Jamie, the simpatico? Not even Pete can deny that there is a

profound connection here. How hard is it to say, Paul? I don't... And in the

years since I broke up with you, I've been walking this earth knowing that my

life was out of kilter and incorrect somehow because I was not walking

beside you.

Oh, shut up.

Don't tell him to shut up. You know what, you can shut up too, I'll be quite

honest with you.

No knock on Pete. Pete's a perfectly nice guy.

If you like that type.

But I think we both know that what you and I had was on a different

plane. Okay, where is his body now?

So if you'll allow me this humble gesture of leaving you everything as

you were my wife.

Because I feel that if there were any justice or poetry in this world, you

have been my wife.

You were the one.

And then you were the one that got away.

Ha!

Go ahead, smirk.

You deserve it.

You won.

I love you.

I always have.

And I always will.

And I know that someday we will meet again.

You'll see.

This will is binding in all 50 states and the District of Columbia. No

alteration, reputation, protestation, or repudiation of this will is or will be

entertained by the executing parties. We grieve deeply for your loss.

Holy smokes.

What did you do to my brother?

Nothing. You bewitched him. No. You're a witch. You're a witch. She's a witch,

Pete. Okay. A, kindly stop calling my wife a witch, please.

And two, where does he get off saying we'll meet again? Does he not grasp the

fact that you are Pete's wife?

No.

Your brother was very romantic.

Thank you for seeing that. Does anybody want to watch this again? So

now her ex -boyfriend's every possession

is being delivered to our home. So what?

So I don't want to look up on the shelf every day for the rest of my life and

see Alan Tufsky's tchotchkes.

Please. I'll tell you something else. I don't want his lousy $29 ,000 either.

Debbie said after taxes it's more like $14 ,500.

Are you kidding me? No.

Uncle Sam with a healthy bite there, huh?

No. Well, whatever it is, I don't want it. Why not?

Because it's his love money.

That's his he -loves -you money.

That's the money of his love, and I don't want it. We can use it for Mabel's

college education.

No, that's exactly what I don't want to do, is have your ex -boyfriend put my

daughter through college.

Listen, when she's going to a frat party, you know, and drinking beer and

throwing up and everything, I want to pay for that.

This is the dying wish of a man who is now dead. You must grant such a wish.

Who are you, Don Corleone?

I must grant such... What are you talking about? I'm talking about

You know, this is what really gets me, Sheila. There's not even so much as a

of recognition from my friend here that this whole business is just entirely

unseemly and it's inappropriate.

He's dead, Paul. He doesn't care about being appropriate.

Well, I'm alive and I do.

callousness, the coldness. Well, I can't believe the amount of slack you're

cutting this guy just because he passed away.

Oh, my God.

I'll tell you, if guys knew that all they had to do to please women was die,

they'd be jumping off bridges by the thousands.

He died, Paul.

Well, tell me again. Did he die? Because I hadn't heard that.

If our therapy session is interrupting your golf practice, you'll let us know,

won't you?

Just working on my grip is all I'm doing. A hobby is one thing. An

This is like a rapid obsession.

That's how golf is. You know, it gets under your skin. It gets into your

You stink at it, by the way.

I, I, oh, yes, okay.

Yes, I stink, but with hope.

I stink with hope.

I don't understand this. Suddenly my husband chases a little ball around the

house for five hours a day. That's what Murray does, Paul. Do you want to be a

dog?

What do you think?

Plenty of naps?

Lots of food?

My guess is no other dog dies and leaves your wife everything. Yes, yes.

I wish to be a dog.

Oh, gosh.

We are tragically out of time.

But let me say this. Paul, Alan cannot possibly be a threat to you anymore.

After all, he died.

Who died? I didn't know.

And, Jane, you put yourself in Paul's place. If one of his exes had left him

everything along with a declaration of eternal love, you might not be so happy

either. I guess that's true.

All right, then. So we'll see you next week. Thank you.

are his corn holders, his bottle cap collection, and his blue jeans. Oh, his

blue jeans.

Oh, pants of a dead boyfriend. Isn't that nice?

And that's the last of it, except, of course, for this, the $14 ,500.

Here, don't spend it all at the witch store.

Uh, if there are no objections, I think we'll take the cappuccino machine, the

turntable, and the National Geographic. Right, Bert?

Did you know that the tortoise is the farmer of the seas?

Did you want that Barker lounger because your father -in -law looked so

comfortable in it? Yes, actually, I did.

Why? Just sentimental value.

What? Just don't go there, okay? Just... Kind of sentimental value. What

happened in that chair?

Take the chair, Father. The chair is yours.

goes the bequeathal? Well... A bad question. Yeah.

That's why I brought you something to cheer you up.

Top of cake. Wow.

Always works for me. That's incredibly sweet of you.

Let's go get some dishes.

This is unbelievable.

What's that?

Did you know that pygmies, because their culture is so isolated, have no idea

they're short?

Does Debbie seem okay to you guys?

Yeah, why?

I don't... I don't know. It's odd the way she refuses to set a wedding date.

Maybe she has cold feet.

They don't get that, Bert.

Plus, yesterday, did you notice how when she introduced me, it was, uh, this is

my friend, Joan. Did you get that? This is my friend, Joan. My friend. What?

You're not friends?

I'm her fiancé, Sylvia. Who's arguing?

Or at the very least, her girlfriend or her lover or her partner or her

companion or some damn thing. You're her sister.

I'm sorry?

Well, Debbie was talking to me the other day about who's gay and who's not,

which is a little game that we play now.

And when someone was gay, she would say, yep, she's a sister. Or, oh yeah,

she's a sister.

Or, oh boy, she's a big sister.

So you're the sister.

No, you can't marry your sister.

Registered mail for Paul and Jamie Buckman. That would be us. Thank you so

And the best of days to you.

And may I say that those are lovely socks they're giving out to the group

now.

It's dry and bright in a person's day, and what do you guess?

Also, I think I'm going to take the soap and the Manhattan clam chowder. Oh, my

God. Fine. I'll leave the chowder.

What? What is it? Look at this. Matter of Kleinman versus Buckman for medical

expenses plus punitive damages.

What? Okay.

Sheila. is suing us. Oh, come on. There it is, right there. Look at this. We're

being sued by our own psychotherapist. Do you know that pygmies have no concept

of litigation?

It says that in there?

No, that I knew.

Can Sheila do this? Let's ask Debbie. Debbie's got a good brain for these

things. Debbie's got a really good legal mind. Debbie's got... Look what

Debbie's got.

Uh -oh.

Uh -oh. What is it? I can't see.

Uh -oh.

She's gone.

She's gone.

She's gone.

Your wife -to -be is now your wife that never was.

Oh,

I was so looking forward to this wedding, gender issues notwithstanding.

How could you do this to me? Who are you kidding?

Four years ago, when I told you I was gay, do you remember your reaction?

I was given pause.

You tried to throw yourself out the window.

Yes, after the pause.

I mean, I was devastated. I thought, how could I lead my daughter down this

misbegotten path? I believed, as anyone might have, that death was my only

honorable exit.

Boy, this is cake.

When I met Joanie, she's so pretty, she's nice, she's a doctor.

Someone who loves you. Not like that reptile you were married to, may his

be blotted out.

Gary, Gary. I came to terms. I looked deep within myself and I found the

strength to accept. More than just accept, I embraced.

I started to recycle.

I even bought myself a pair of men's boxers.

I imagine myself running nude down the beach with my book club. And now what do

you do? You turn around and you throw it all back in my face. What am I supposed

to do? Call up my friends and tell them that my daughter is straight?

These are not calls I want to make.

Okay, Mom. A, no nude running.

Why? Just because, okay? And two, and I say this with love, this may not really

be all about you.

What happened? I don't know.

The minute I saw that guy, I wanted him.

Whoa. Believe me, I was the most surprised of anybody.

But there we were standing in the kitchen, and I felt all the blood rush

head, and the voice said, catch him.

So I did.

And then the voice said, throw him down on the kitchen table?

Yeah. Okay, that voice, at any juncture, did it mention that you're a lesbian?

They can do that, just change back like that?

Yes, Dad.

Lesbians and werewolves.

Is it Joan? I mean, maybe you've fallen out of love with her. No.

Maybe all we have to do is find you another woman. It's not Joan. What about

that postal girl?

She was cute.

I mean, she could have been a sister.

We have not fallen out of love, Joan.

All right, I've made my decision.

What? You, Missy, are grounded.

Grounded? Grounded?

Yes, that's right. I want you to go back to your apartment. I want you to think

about what you have done and who you have done it with.

Wait a minute. Wait a minute. Wait a minute. Wait a minute.

Wait a minute.

Do you remember the weekend before you married Gary?

Yeah. Okay. Remember what you did?

What I did?

With the caterer?

With the caterer. With the caterer, what you did? Remember in the kitchen? In

the kitchen. In the kitchen of the catering, of Arnold's of Great Neck. In

kitchen.

I made out with the caterer in the kitchen of Arnold's of Great Neck. Oh, I

wouldn't even walk into that kitchen.

Well, what were you thinking?

I was terrified. I panicked. And meanwhile, thank you for keeping a

19 years, I think that's a pretty good job. But stay with me, because I'm on to

something very clever here. Do you remember after college? Do you remember

when... What's his name? The glasses. Herbie. Herbie Reich. Remember? And he

asked you to move in with him. Do you remember what you did?

He fooled around with his brother, Billy Rice, in the Rice's kitchen.

Yes. Wow. The point is, there is a trend, don't you see? There is a trend

Before you can make a commitment, apparently you need to play a little

tickle in a kitchen somewhere.

Oh, my God.

Wowee.

I mean, it's a fascinating psychological phenomenon.

You may or may not want to look into this further on your own time.

So it's not Joan?

It's not Joan. I've got to go talk to her. So, wait, you're still gay?

Yeah. Thank God.

This is crazy.

We had the appointment.

You cannot have a productive therapy session with a person who is suing you.

You know she's going to charge us anyway.

What are you kidding? We got $14 ,500 extra to play with. $13 ,857 .12.

What happened now? Debbie and Chris cracked the kitchen table.

It's solid butcher block. Don't shoot the messenger.

Hello.

Hi. Hi, Sheila. How are you?

Never better, and you?

We're good. Fine, thank you.

Last we met, Paul, you had taken umbrage over Jamie's ex -boyfriend's will, and

you two were going to try and see things from each other's point of view.

Right. Well, how is that going?

Okay, I guess. It's going pretty good. Well, great.

So, is there anything else on your minds this week?

Uh, well... Let's think.

Uh, golly gosh, anything on our minds?

Yes, okay, here's one. You're suing us.

All right, if you'd like to talk about the lawsuit, I'd be happy to.

Okay.

We're unhappy about the lawsuit?

You broke my nose in four places, Paul. No, no, no, he understands that. He also

understands how unbelievably stupid it was to be swinging a golf club around a

tiny little office without even looking up to see if there might be a person

that he could... Okay, you know what, sweetie? Maybe this is time to circle

wagons.

We would be happy to pay all your medical expenses.

It's the least we could do.

But the... Punitive damages?

What is that about?

Well, my lawyers think I should be compensated for my mental anguish.

Mental anguish?

Yes, my severe mental anguish.

It's humiliating.

Wearing this goofy freaking mask.

My patients feel like they're getting life advice from the Phantom of the

All right, just out of curiosity, how much do you think you would want to ask

for for punitive damages?

$100 ,000.

Okay, so now I have mental anguish.

Jill, we don't have $100 ,000.

You don't?

No.

Well, how much do you have?

What? Look, I'll tell you straight, okay? You know, for whatever reason, my

practice hasn't exactly been flourishing.

Well, here's a thought. You might want to stop suing your patients.

I'm in severe financial trouble.

My lawyer told me that getting hit in the nose like this could be the greatest

thing that ever happened to me.

If I make the most of it.

And you would do that? You would bilk us like that?

Hey, I didn't ask you to come in here and clock me in the face with a 3 -wood,

okay, pal?

Sheila, maybe there's a way we could help your practice a little bit.

How? Well, maybe we could send a patient or two your way. Like who?

Like your sister.

And her sister.

And her sister.

Well, you know people indeed.

Oh, yeah.

Maybe, maybe if you lower that punitive damage figure.

$90 ,000.

$5 ,000.

$80 ,000.

$7 ,500.

$60 ,000. $10 ,000. $35 ,000. $17 ,000. $25 ,000. $9 ,000.

Died.

You heard me.

$20 ,000.

$13 ,000.

$18 ,000.

$13 ,857 .12.

Done. Done.

So,

anything else on your bites?

No alteration, refutation, protestation, or repudiation of this will is or will

be entertained by the executing parties. We grieve deeply for your loss.

So, I think that went pretty well.

Really?

Absolutely.

That part about the one that got away?

I was very choked up. Yeah?

I barely got through the disclaimer.

I really love her.

I know.

I don't know what that's done with.

I can rest easy now.

Listen, you're probably not going to need this will for a long time. I hope

you're right.

Ooh, uh, you got a bee on your neck.

Here.

You're fine.