Original subtitles

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Tell me who can start my heart as much as you.

Tell me all your secrets and I'll tell you most of mine. They say nobody's

perfect. Well, that's really true this time.

I don't have the answers.

I don't have a plan.

All I have is you. So darling, help me understand what we do.

You can whisper in my ear where we go.

Who knows what happens after here?

Let's take each other's hand as we jump into the final frontier.

I'm mad about you, baby.

Yeah.

I'm mad about you.

I'm off to the new health club, then Chinese food, then bra shopping.

Sweet and sour soup, please, and I'm a 36C.

And Nancy will bring Mabel back around four.

Right. I like having a nanny. Is that wrong?

No.

Coveting your neighbor's wife is wrong.

Also, cockfighting. I've always thought that was wrong.

Splinky? How you doing? Is James home?

Uh, she's in her bedroom. Good. Quick, come here. Look. Uh -oh.

Guess what's in here.

A Chevy Impala.

What? Well, it's obviously aspirin.

No, it's not.

Okay, well, don't say it like that. It's an aspirin bottle.

Paulie, you think I'd make a big deal about aspirin? I had a wino. What is

This, my friend, is Viagra.

Really? Yes.

Huh. Isn't it amazing, Paulie, a pill that can do what that does?

Uh -huh. I mean, in the old days, our forebears, when they got into trouble,

they did not have a pill. All they had was their shame and the wrath of their

womenfolk.

Huh.

Hey, sorry.

What? No, I didn't know you were having trouble.

I'm not having any trouble.

Hey, it happens, you know. You're not exactly a kid anymore. Oh, Paulie, I am

not having any trouble. I am as reliable as the sunrise, even more so. I see. So

what are you doing with that stuff? I was curious.

Uh -huh. I was. I was curious. I had curiosity. I sought knowledge. So

you get that stuff?

I lied to my GP.

You lied to Dr. Kaplan?

Yeah. So?

My God.

Oh, come on, Paulie. Look me in the eye and tell me you are not just a little

bit curious.

Why would I be curious if I'm not having a problem?

Because. You never know. Maybe this stuff could make you run a little

Jump a little higher. I run and jump just fine, thank you. What do you mean,

tummy dick? There's no room for improvement?

Did you get the be -all and end -all of erections? Hey, hey, hey, hey.

Neighbors. You're a new father, okay? You're exhausted all the time. Your life

is chaos. A symphony of self -sacrifice in which your body is a daily casualty.

Now, surely that takes some sort of toll on your sexual prowess.

Put down the sandwich. Why?

You always said you could come in here whenever you want and just make yourself

a sandwich. Give me that. Get out of here. Just go. And take your Viagra with

you, because nobody here is interested.

Viagra? Can I see it?

It's so pretty.

Can we keep it? Of course you can.

Do you need that? No, but aren't you a little curious?

No, am I the only one willing to leave a wrecked enough alone? We have made it.

Come on, let's see if it does anything. Let's play.

Really? Why not? It'll be fun.

Yeah, but I did. Why? Why? There's no protection.

Okay. Okay,

so listen. You take it about an hour before you're going to have sex. And

for four hours thereafter, you're a wreck. Hey! Hey!

Hey! Hey!

Hey! Listen,

you take the Viagra now. We'll make love when I get back.

Does that work out for you? It's outstanding.

Now, I've got to tell you, there may be a few side effects.

Here we go. Okay, what? Well, it could give you a headache.

All right. Yeah, and an upset stomach. Okay. And it may give everything you see

a bluish tinge.

Now you're just making stuff up. A bluish tinge?

What the hell kind of side effect is that? I'm just telling you. A bluish

plus patients apparently think they're Sergio Franchi. It'll be fun. Don't you

think it'll be fun? I do. I think this will be nothing but tremendous fun. A

little fun wouldn't be the worst thing in the world.

Okay, yes. Hey, no question. Here we go.

All right.

Just gonna... Here we go.

Oh,

are you okay?

Big pill.

You want me to cut it up for you? No, I'll be fine.

You could grind it into a powder. No. Roll it up in a piece of cheese.

I'll be fine.

Okay.

All right.

Here we go.

Ready? Yeah.

Hello, Ira.

And so how much longer is this going to take? My arms are spasming. Just wait.

Oh, my God.

Ooh.

I have to report of myself that I notice a certain

fullness. What?

Certain fullness happening. Don't make me spell it out. Oh.

You must love aircraft carriers. It looks terrible so far to the left. Wait

minute. Wait a minute. Tell me.

Is your experiencing a fullness even while listening to your mother's voice?

Hello? Is anyone with me? Of course.

This pill is something special.

Do you know where the showers are?

down the stairs.

So get a clue.

What makes you think you can speak to strangers that way? Hey, mama, nice

cookies. How long did it take you to think of that one?

Was it just going to be, hey, mama, at the last minute you thought? Oh, I know.

Nice cookies. You are throwbacks.

You are mouth breathers, and the train of evolution is leaving you all behind.

What's that?

It's the train of evolution now leaving all aboard, but sorry, not the mouth

breathers. Hey, mama, nice cookies. You're pathetic.

Excuse me.

What? Excuse me.

Hey, Mama.

Nice cookies.

I take so much of what I just said back.

All of it. In fact, the cookies look delicious. You have a lovely son, and

go that way.

Ma 'am, I'm sorry, but it's awfully dangerous back there. You really can't

in there, ma 'am. It's horribly unsafe.

You mean I have to go all the way around?

I'm afraid so. I mean, if you got hurt, we just couldn't live with ourselves.

Oh, well, thank you.

All the best.

Stay well.

Taxi!

Hey, you want to share a cab?

No.

No?

Staring at you like there's nobody else on the road. Like they never saw a

pretty girl in a towel before.

With long blonde hair.

Creamy white skin.

A titillating scent of vanilla.

Watch the road.

Animals!

You know what? All I really need to do is get around the block.

Gotcha. I'll take fifth.

What? Well, 36 is one way against me. And seventh is total gridlock right now

because Tony Blair's in town.

Tony Blair gets gridlock? I guess.

Whatever. I'm going to take the West Side Highway.

Listen, do you understand? I need to get right over there. The fastest way

around the corner cannot possibly be a seven -block detour.

You want some chicken?

No, thanks. I'm good. I had a cracker in April.

You're not from here, are you? I'm from here. I promise you, fifth will move

like the wind.

Well, when you're right, you're right.

Excuse me.

You sure you want some chicken? Yeah, next time.

Phone, phone.

What are you looking at?

Phone, phone.

Phone.

Okay, never been happier, never been happier, never been happier. Hey, horse

poop.

Bands of light behave when they enter the water. Do they bend?

Do they... Do they... Do they bend or... Excuse me, may I use your phone?

Bands of light, you see, when they enter the water, perhaps they bend, perhaps

they don't.

Perhaps they simply... You know, I'm just going to borrow this just for one

second.

Say, goodbye, bands of light.

Goodbye, bands of light.

That was a pleasant stroll.

James!

You only attract more attention to yourself by walking that way. You try

when you're pharmaceutically enhanced.

When is James coming home? I don't know. She should have been back already. My

head really hurts now.

Really? Yeah. Hey, maybe you're getting the side effects. Does your stomach

hurt? It's not my favorite stomach.

Oh, man. What color is my hand?

Blue? Actually, no. Oh, my God. Everything here is blue. It is? Yeah.

shirt? It's blue.

Murray? Blue.

Hey, this orange? Don't ask me everything individually. I'm saying

blue. No, no, I'm sorry. It's fascinating.

Did you get these side effects when you took it? I didn't take it.

What do you mean you didn't take it? Why would I take it if I could get you to

take it?

Hello?

Don't ask me to explain. Just understand I am wrapped in a towel and I need you

to bring me some clothes.

Well, why would I need an explanation?

In the front closet, there's dry cleaning. Okay. In the front closet, dry

cleaning. Yes, sir? You see the blue dress?

I see a whole bunch of them.

Well, pick one.

I will meet you at the Empire... The what?

Let's meet in the lobby on the 5th Avenue entrance. Honey?

Honey? You're breaking up.

I don't know. Wait, wait, wait. You know what's better? I will meet you...

Honey? What happened? The phone went dead. Where is she? I don't know. She

I'm at the Empire and then it was static.

Empire... Empire...

You know what's better? I'll meet you at the 33rd Street entrance because

there's only one.

Ah, but it's a freight elevator.

I know, I know. Here's what we'll do. We will meet on the observation deck. Be

hard to miss me, I'll be the girl in the towel.

Okay? Empire, Empire, Empire, Empire Hotel.

Nah. Hey, Empire Diner? No, no, it's like Empire, but the Empire... But the

Empire... I got it. Empire of the Sun.

Okay, A, no.

But I know exactly where it is now. Where? Just as you go for Chinese food,

could only be Empire Szechuan.

No kidding? Absolutely. Blue dress, blue dress, blue dress, blue dress.

Here we go.

Hello?

Hello?

Hello?

Your phone cut out.

Unbelievable.

They got a pill for your penis. He can't finish a phone conversation.

You are correct, sir.

How are you feeling? Shame.

I have to go.

Excuse me, hi. I'm looking for a woman...

Yes, I'm sure. She said, Empire, I'm pretty sure she said... Please, go

I'm just, I'm trying to, with a towel.

No, I will.

Look,

this is a family restaurant.

Thank you for this pill, by the way. Hey, how do you think I feel? I can't

in there anymore.

You know, if I could get physically close enough to punch you, I would.

Pauline, where are we going? I don't know. I'm just running for my life at

point.

Wait a minute, wait a minute, wait a minute. What?

Jamie said... She was going bra shopping. So?

So, bra shopping.

Put two and two together. She said, how many places could they... Yes? Do you

have a listing for Empire brassiere shop?

Or Empire bras?

Or bras of the Empire? Anything like that?

That's not the Empire.

Empire lingerie. Perfect. Where is that?

Right near the house. Thank you very much. Okay, don't ever doubt me.

How are the side effects?

Not so good. My head hurts. My stomach's killing me. Yeah? Things look blue? A

little bit, officer.

Did you know that if you spit from this height, by the time it reached the

ground, it would be hail?

What?

Uh,

hi. Excuse me. Has there by any chance been a woman in the... Oh, sir. For

sake. She's a mannequin.

Don't shoot.

Don't shoot.

Not a gun. Not a gun. The money's in the register.

Not a gun. There's not a gun. How do I explain...

Sorry, forgive me, but why don't you just go home and relieve yourself?

Hey, hey, hey, hey.

Hey, that's not the kind of thing you'd talk to a person about. And two, it

ain't gonna happen anyway.

Why not? Because this is, this is, you know, you know like when the weatherman

says, this is one of the ten great days of the year? Yeah. Okay, well, picture a

lovely day in June, okay?

And I ain't wasting this one on a picture of Steffi Graf. Yeah? Steffi

Yes, thank you.

The point is, vitality like this does not grow on a tree, my friend.

And if it did, you wouldn't want the tree to prune itself.

Oh, you're quite the poet, Paul. Meanwhile, maybe my head could just

would feel a little less painful than this. Is your stomach still bad, too?

Stomach? Yeah.

How's the blueness? It's vivid, man. It's really blue.

Postmen are dressing really well now, aren't they?

Empire what? Empire something, right?

Empire... You should be ashamed of yourself.

So what is it?

Empire? What is it?

Oh,

my God!

Oh, boy, I got to tell you. I'm sorry to bother you.

I'm... Yeah, I know. You're my biggest fan.

No, it's not that at all. My wife is a big fan. Would you mind one autograph?

No, my wife is a big fan. Would you mind one autograph? I don't... Sorry to

bother you.

Please, sorry.

Sorry to bother you. Big fan.

You're happy? Now you're scaring famous people.

I thought he would have been nicer. You know, what are you going to do?

So what did she say? She said, Empire...

Something. Empire what?

Empire... Hey, don't look at me like that. It's weird.

Josh, I'm thinking of something.

You can think without looking at my fullness, please. Hey, hey, hey, I got

What? The Empire State Building.

Well, A, thank you. And two, yes!

Excuse me, can I use your phone?

Sweetie, I love you. Please, just for a second when you're finished. It's an

emergency. Honey, I promise you, nothing in the world can ever come between us.

I'm glad to see you. Yeah, clearly.

What took you so long?

It's a long story.

Just come into the elevator with me right now, please.

Right now?

Believe me, you're going to like me very much. All right, sir.

I'll just take the stairs.

You may want to stand back. I know.

That was one long elevator.

Thank you.

And we have two hours.

baby comes home. Look at that.

What do you want to do?

Poop.

And the new series continues, same time tomorrow night. Miss it and you'll miss

out, obviously.

There's glamorous goings -on in Just Shoot Me at 9 .30 after Medical Matters

with Becca, next on Paramount Comedy.